Heartburn
by Holli-chan
Summary: Look in the mirror: do you recognize the person there? Sometimes, the person you thought was you isn't at all. When this happens, you need someone else to reach through the fake and pull out the real, even if it's so painful it burns... AU, MattxMello
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This randomly came to me in Jamacia. o__o' Um... AU-ness. : )**

**OH, and this is rated M for a reason. For you jerkoffs who don't pay attention to the details, yeah, rathed M. Rated M for yaoi, yaoi buttsmex, hot makeout scenes, rape, abuse, cutting, smoking, possibly drugs, violence, and other random adult themes that will more than likely show up here. So if your not eighteen, don't read it. (Ha. Haha. Yeah. Right. That'll stop you. XD Wishful thinking, isn't it?) Anyway, I have a ton of chapters becuase I started writing this, so... yeah :)**

**Oh and, dear god, please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes *ORZ* This stupid MAC computer doesn't have SPELLCHECK on it's stupid thing T_T it;ll tell you you spelled sometime wrong, but it wont FIX IT or even tell you HOW TO SPELL IT _ I'm too lazy 2 use a regular dictionary so... sorry! :(**

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

I dodged to the side, skidding on my combat boots and narrowly missing the poorly aimed punch aimed at my side by a bulky, dark haired boy. Not giving him time to recover i jump forward, roundhouse kicking him in the ass on his way down. He howls in pain, falling to the ground and rolling as he fell, a large scrape appearing up his arm. I don't let him have time to recover from that, either, pouncing on him and pinning him down, face down in the dirt. He growls in irritation and fury, but i have him trapped, jamming my knees into his spine and clamping my hands on his wrists over his head.

"Not so tough now, are you, Butch?" I hiss into his ear, a smirk on my face as i dig my nails into his wrists. "Or are you still going to be an ass?"

Butch doesn't reply except to grunt and try to struggle out from under me, to no avail. The croud that has gathered around is now cheering wildly, many of them high-fiving - Butch isn't exactly well-liked at this school, need less to say, and is a giant bully. A few of the other boys look angry, though, since they're his friends; nobody interferes.

"Hmmmm? You done being an ass-cake?" I ask again, louder this time, and introduce my fist to his ribs. He yelps, like a kicked dog, and nods his head, muttering for me to 'please get off of him' in a pleading voice. Satisfied, I hop off of him and dust myself off. Everyone either claps, high fives, givs me a thumbs up, or grimmaces before fleeing to whereever they're going before the fuzz show. And by "the fuzz" i mean the teachers. I follow suit, grabbing my backpack and swinging it over my shoulder before hurrying off of school grounds.

As i go I see a few girls pointing and swooning, which makes me smirk. A few guys give me thumbs up, because i just beat the shit out of Butch. On my way out the gate, I smile at some nerdy girl named Tammy, because i feel a little bad for her, and she almost faints. it's kind of amusing.

As soon as i leave school grounds, though, i relax my shoulders and slump a little, exhausted. School was always this way. Everone acted happy to see me, gave me thumbs up and smied at me, or gave me high fives, or winked and flirted with me. But the truth was, nobody really knew... me. They knew the fake me, they knew the guy who beat the crap out of bullies, the me who flirted with everyone and was number two in the school rank charts and number one on the infamous "hottie list" located, in red lipstick, forever on the mirror of the girl's bathroom. That was great, sure. Every boy's dream, right?

Not this boy. Nobody _really_ likes me. People are only nice to me at that school for the following reasons: 1) they're afraid of me, 2) they want to have sex with me, or 3) they want study help. No other options. That's it. Zip. I have never, ever had a friend who didn't just want one (or more) of those things from me. Nobody really wanted my freindship at Wammy's School for Gifted Students. Why should they, though, really? I have a shitty personality.

No, really. I'm not just being an emo or whatever - I really, seriously have a shitty personality. Here's a list of my crappy personality traits:

1) I'm tempermental beyond compare. I once kicked a waitress in the crotch because he gave me chicken in my salad when i had told him i was a vegitarian. We had a whoel conversation about it, and then obivously didn't just assume i didn't want chicken even though we had a freakin' conversation about it. People are so clueless. But what i'm saying is i overreact. And kick. And hit. And throw shit. Because I hav a shitty temper and don't take bullshit from anyone. Sadly, the problem is that "bullshit" tends to be "anything remotely stupid" so everyones pretty much afraid of me now.

2) I'm a whore. That sounds really bad, consitering, you know, I'm a guy. But I am, in a way. I flirt with everyone, but really I'm just leading everyone on - the girls I flirt with I'm honestly not intersted in. I even flirt with guys sometimes, if they express intrest. That's how much of a whore i am. And i wear this really tight leather all the time, which is tottaly against Wammy dress code, and... well, anyway, I'm a whore. Not really because of the outfit, but I had to fit that somewhere. I'm not into real relationships. They're not even worth it. People just use other people - it's the truth. Besides, what's the point? Most marriges end in divorce, and eve if they don't it's just because they're too lazy or afraid to do it. Ever notice how many bad-marrige jokes there are? Well take those and multiply them by a million, and you have how many bad marriges there are. So it's not worth it. Seriously.

3) I have a surperiority complex. I have to be best at everything, and if I'm not, I get pissed. I go all out into everything I do - my looks (unofficoally #1) my sports (soccer champ and team captin, #1 at tennis as well) my popularity (popularity=not the same as having friends. In the top ten at least) and my grades (#2 on the chart). Grades are what makes me the most furious, though - because i'm ALWAYS second. Second second second. It's always taunting me. I try hard, i study all day and all night, and the fucking Nate dude (who everone calls Near because he called himself that on the first day of school, and nobody's ever questioned WHY except for me) doesn't do anything! AAAH!

4) Which leads to number four - I hold grudges. Very, very serous grudges. Which leads to Nate, first of all - he is an ARSE. A short, creepy albino arse. Big headed twit. Like i said before, I work my very, very hardest at everything I do, nonstop with no exceptions, all day and all night for major tests, even durring study hall. What does Nate do? He plays with TOYS. _Fucking. __**Toys. **_As in straight-out transformers and finger puppets. And you know what's creepy? He makes his own finger puppets... of US. As in the _other students. _What's even creepier is, the Mello doll showed up first. As in me. Yeah. He's got one of all of the top 10 now. It's immensely creepy. Just like him. So yeah uh... i have a grudge against him. Also, i hate the following people (though not as much though) such as: Linda, the annoying girl who stalks me; Misa, who is an upperclassmen i can't stand; Light Yagami, who's number two in the upper class and is all high and mighty about it, total jerk; Teru Mikami, stalks Light Yagami (see the last jerk's discription) and practicallly worships him); Butch, who's a bully/jerk; Triston, who flirts with everyone within a mile radius who has a vagina. (He even flirted with me before he figured out i did not posess that particular body part). Grr.

5) I have more than that, but this list is making me pissier than i was before. So i'm going to shut up. Oh, that;s another one - my inability to shut up.

So there's the list. I left out a few. Like violence. Or temper. Or ability to rant for hours nonstop. And my chocolate addiction (i eat it always, even durring class). And... well, I'm just a shitty person.

Good news? I recycle. : )

That was a joke.

So i guess it's no wonder my home life is the way it is.

Speaking of my home life... i slow my walk as i reach my neighborhood, lingering on the firmiliar sidewalk hesitatly. I don't want to go home. Home is where the heart breaks, that's my motto. I envy people who have good families, but that's not me one bit. But there's no way to avoid going home - i'm only a second year in highschool. I can hardly just leave home. I don't even have a car.

Sighing I pull my backpack al the way on my back and hurry back towards the house, keeping my head down as i did in case my brother was hanging around one of the neighbors houses. Luckily, he wasn't, so i reached home with no complications. Of course, reaching home at all was kind of a complication, consitering...

"MIHAEL! WHAT THE HELL!? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME BACK!"

I flinch under the angry voice from the top of the stairs. Blocking my path. I had been planning to make a beeline to my room, but she was kind of getting in teh way of that. My mother, i mean.

My mother is a tall, lanky woman with high cheekbones and fake, bleach blonde hair thta was currently crazy and bed-headed. She was once bright-smiled and beautiful, with high cheekbones and full, smiling lips. Now, at the top of those stairs, she had a scowl and shriveled, chapped lips, and red, bloodshot eyes as she glared down at me from the top of he stairs. The woman was holding a beer bottle upsidown, like a weapon, and because it still had a little liquid on it it spilt onto her white dress, which was alrady ruined with blood and dirt and - surprize surprize - more beer.

"It's my house too, mother," i say bluntly, holding my ground and setting my jaw in defiance, even though secretly i was shaking out of my combat boots, eyeing that beer bottle with fright. She would probobly throw it at me if i said the wrong thing. Her eyes narrow faurther, showing the wrinkles under he eyes even more than before.

"Who pays the bills, Mihael!? Hum!? DO YOU PAY THE BILLS, MIHAEL!?" she screeched in a high pitched, drunken voice, stamping her foot on the stair like a small children. I scan the big house for an escape route as i reply.

"No, mother, welfare checks and pity-money from Uncle Bill do," I tell her dryly. She freezes, and i know it's coming, the glint in those icy blue eyes, those eyes that i had inherited from her and were almost identical on my own face, told me it was.

I bolted as soon as the beer bottle flew from her hand, smashing on the floor where i had stood. I race through the house and i hear my mother racing down the stairs behind me. Bolting through the kitchen i dart into the computer room, slamming the door shut and locking it immediately. I hear my mother's footsteps as she comes charging towards the rom, screaming and cursing. "FUCK IT, MIHAEL, YOU UNGREATFUL BASTARD! GET YOUR SKINNY BITCH ASS OUT HERE AND FACE THE CONCEQUENCES, YOU DEMON SPAWN!" I collapse against the door, trying to block out the sound of my mother pounding on the door, of her trying to no avail to open the door, trying to block out her screaming.

_"Dearest, please come out, Miheal..." my mother whispered softly, and i knew she was resting her cheek against the door trying to hear me. I leaned against the door, trying to ignore my mother's worried pleas, and I yelled ather to go away again, but she persisted. "It's okay, mommy understands... mommy loves you, Mihael."_

"GET YOUR FUCKING FACE OUT THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT, MISTER!" my mother screamed, pouding on the door with her fist.

"GO AWAY!" I scream, throwing my backpack down on the ground and pressing against the door, panting a little. Glad that this time the beer bottle didn't hit me. I looked down at my backpack, the pink one. Yeah, pink. At least, it used to be pink, when my mom first bought it for me (she thought it was red, but it was definately red) so i spraypainted it black. You could still see the pink peeking through certain places, but it actually looked pretty cool. I wondered, as i panted and leaned against the door, trying not to listen to my mother's angry screams and threats, if maybe that was like a silver lining. I wondered if this situation had a silver lining, too.

Maybe, just maybe my brother wouldn't come home today. That... that would be a silver lining. That would be a silver lining indeed.

**A/N: Okai, so no Matty yet. : ) you still wondering how this is gonna go? hmm? you think u know, don't you? XD ya u prolly do. whatevr. at least... part of it. Anyway this chapter's too short, but... hell with it, i don't care XD stfu**

**AGAIN: THIS IS AU. SO YA. IF THINGS GET FREAKY LATER... THATS WHY *HUZZAH***


	2. Chapter 2

Morning came too soon.

I groaned as light flitted into the room through the half-lidded blinds, shining into my eyes. I squirm, feeling stiff - that was more than likely because i fell asleep on teh floor using my backpack as a pillow. Not that i wasn't used to that. I moan and stretch, looking at the clock. 6:30. I had about an hour to get out of here befoe 7:20 when school started. I would only need five.

Good. The sooner to get the hell out of here, the better.

I got up and grabbed my bag, having spent the majority of the night studying for Geometry, and gathered snuck out of the office, ees serching the hallway. I didn't see anyone around as i sprinted to the bathroom, quickly locking the door behind me as i stripped. I had a few changes of clothes hidden under the sink and i pulled one of these out now, a pair of black skinny jeans and a skin-tight leather vest. it takes about 20 seconds to change, two minates to brush my teeth. Grabbing my hairbrush, a protein bar, and my bag, i leave, sneaking out the door and thanking God or whoever the hell's up there that neither my brother nor my mother spotted me. They were probobly both asleep - i was one of the few teenage populus that is greatful for early starting hours. And then I head for school.

Just like that. That's my morning.

_"Mello, dear, wake up." I look up to see my mother smiling over me, her perfect face in an expression of love as she untucks me from bed. I follow her to the kitchen and eat a quick meal that she prepared, chugging the chocolate milk down in an instant as i hurry up to head for school. She keeps smiling at me, telling me that i'm such a good eater. That i'll grow up big and strong, just like my father. "I know," i tell her, "I'll be just like daddy!" And then she gives me my bag and i head out, a huge grin on my face as i do. "Don't forget to brush your hair, sweetheart!" she calls, and i shirnk a little under her call - how embaressing! But i don't really care. I love my mother. More than anything._

I eat the protein bar in six hasty bites, tossing the wrapper into the trashcan on my way down the driveway. That was my breakfast - not like my mom would be COOKING anything. Ha. What a joke. Pulling the brush out of my pocket i spend the rest of the way brushing my hair. That's what i do for the entire walk there, brush my hair - i love my hair. It's kind of my favorite part of me. I hate tangles, too, their a pet peev, so i brush my hair for about ten minates on my way there. It's kind of a weird habit, but my hair's perfectly silky at school afterwards. I used to get called pretty boy because of it, but then i smashed the butt of the brush into the guy's nose, so that kind of stopped. (There's still a little blood stain on the edge to prove it).

The school is mostly empty, but i don't mind. I like it that way. I can hear my own footsteps as i trek through the commons and into the hallways, unloading my backpack into the locker with ease. My locker's pretty much prefectly orgonized, save for the sticky note reminders stuck all over the inside of the door. There's one for today, too: "Geometry Test Today!!" I lick my lips to wet them, honestly not that nervous about PASSING like everyone else - no, I'm concerned about excelling. Passing that twit, Near. It's his fault i hate the word near, too. Like, whenever i say "it's NEAR that place" i always think of HIM. It ruins the word for me. Which is sad, because it's a nice word. I wish his name could be smething like Dumbass, so it would at least encourage me to stop cussing so much.

"Hey, Mello! Whatsupp!?"

I sigh at the voice me, peeking over my shoulder. I know who it is before i look at her, though - Halle. Ah, how did i forget Halle? Really, i guess she's not so bad - she's actually pretty cool - but she's sort of annoying, too. You can tell she just wants me in bed, like everyone else in the female population of this school (that's not bragging - i've BEEN in bed with half of them at least, or at least i've ALMOST been in bed with most of them, before i quickly dumped them as to not get them pregnant or something awful or gross) and is always hitting on me. What's weird is, she's actually.... well this is hard to admit, but she's more masculine than me. I mean it. I'm slender, kind of have a feminine frame, skinny shoulders, kind of a girly haircut and a soft face. I'm strong-willed and smart, which is why i win in fights. Her, she's broad shoulders and muscular, with a chiseled face and really tall, too, with chop-off hair that, while fit for a woman, is somehow much more masculine than my own haircut. She's not unattractive - honestly she's kind of striking, in a weird way. And tough, not all giggly like the toher girls. She used to actualy hang out with NEAR - weird, right? - but she started hanging around me more lately. Little bit weird, but whatever.

"Hey, Halle," i say blandly, closing my locker with a few books in my arms. Halle knows I'm not exactly her biggest fan, but she doesn't seem disgruntaled by it - actaually, i kind of hate everyone, so i guess being kinda-sorta-friendly with her is a start. She's basically the closest I've ever come to having a friend. Which is scary, just lke her - it's weird knowing a girl could easily out weight-lift you.

"Misa's being a TOTAL whore-bitch again," Halle grumbled pissily, corssing her arms over her chest. I snorted. Misa was ALWAYS a whore-bitch. She tagged along after Light like he was the best thing EVER - which only inflated his ego, by the way - and practically kissed the ground he walked on. Whenever anyone said ANYTHING bad about her, she would turn on them. It was extremely scary. Not to me, per say, since I could easily kick the asses of both her, Light, and all their shitty followers all at once and still have enough energy to jog a few laps around the school without breaking a sweat.

"What is it _this _time?" I wondered, looking at her from the corner of my eye. Oh, wow - she was even DRESSED more masculine than me - baggy jeans, tan t-shirt with a faded logo i couldn't read, and a leather jacket. I had to admit she looked GOOD, but extremely masculine all the same. I kind of envied her ability to pull it off, though.

"Oh, she went phyco on me because i accidently bumped into Light this morning," Halle explained, shaking her head as if to say 'not even worth the effort' as she continued, "Light was all like 'it's cool' but she was all OH MY GOD NO U DIDN'T!! really obbnoxiously," I smiled when she mimicked Misa's voice all high pitched with a stupid look on her face. Couldn't help it. "And then fuckin' Teru is on my ass too, yelling about how i should 'know my place' and deserved to be deleted from teh face of the earth. He's a freak, let me tell ya..."

I nod in agreement - the guy was a total freak. Probobly gay for Light, too - i have nothing nothing NOTHING against gay people, but people gay for... LIGHT? The guy was kind of scary. I doubt I'd hate him so much if he wasn't always put on a pedastol. Really, we just bicker alot - i don't really hate him. We're actually kind of.. friends. I think we're just too alike - we're both compettitive, both mischevious, both a littel bit crazy, so we clash. Like too much leather print in an outfit - it just doesn't work all the time. At least, that's what L says.

L. Oh, how dare I not mention him before? L is... amazing. No, i'm not gay for him or anything. But i love him, like as a role model. He's really smart, smarter than me and Near combined, probobly. Which is pretty impressive. And the weird thing is, he's not even all high and mighty. He's actually pretty weird. And he has similar eating habits to me, which is weird - i think it proves sugar makes you smarter. Or something. He says that being a genious helps your mitabalisum, which is why we can eat all the sweets we want. I'm not sure if it's a joke or not, but i laughed, at least. Maybe it's true. I dunno. The cool thing is, anyone can hang out with him - he's pretty much nice to everyone, from Matsuda (a total idiot here because his parents payed him in, who's actually kinda nice once you get to know him, though he's annoying) to Light Yagami (who he hangs out with for some reason or another) to, well, me. I sit at his lunch table. Actually, alot of people do: Me, Near (ew), Misa Amayne (ug), LIght (meh), Beyond Birthday (he's cool, though a tiny bit creepy), A (he's Beyond's boyfriend, also weird, nobody knows his real name), Matsuda (see above), and Gevanni (Near's...frined...thing).

It's kind of an odd little table, but it's nice. They're actually the only ones in the school who aren't after me for the listed reasons. So i guess i should add "sits at L's lunch table" to the list. I guess it's just the 'misunderstood' table or something. I dunno.

"Mello? Mello, are you lisetening to me?"

I blinked and looked at Halle again, realizing I had zoned out. I did that alot, when i was bored and had nothing important to focos on. "Yeah?"

"What did i say?"

I don't hesitate, replying, "Bickering about the whore-bitch."

Halle's face lit up. "Yeah! So anyway she...."

Let me tell you - that was an easy predictment. Whore-bitch prety much discribed every girl in the school besides Halle, Weddy (cool girl, kind of sort of my friend, also somewhat more masculine than me, we have motocycle races every Friday which people like to watch and I usually win), and... actually, that's it. And she was always bitching about ONE of them.

I head off to my classroom after a while. The first class was, huzzah, Geometry. Oh, joy. I settled into my desk, sharpenening three pencils - don't you just HATE it when a pencil breaks in the middle of a test? I do. So anyway i was prepared for the test then and i relax into my seat, closing my eyes. It was so quiet in the morning. It was never quiet at home - between my mom screaming and throwing things, my brother being... my brother, the phone ringing off the hook with my mom too hung over to awnser it, the tv constantly being left on, and other various needless sounds, it was never quiet. Not ever.

"Good morning to you, Mello."

I glance up at the boy beside me. Near, of course - who the hell else talks like that? He's there in all his creepy white albino glory, looking at me with that blank look he gives everyone. I glower at him but don't reply, crossing my legs and pointedly looking in teh other direction. I hear a little sigh from the pale boy's direction, but he makes no move to talk to me again.

Slowly the classroom fills with various students, alot of them looking anxious about something (the test probobly). The last few people scuttle in just as the late bell rings, including - no surprize here - the teacher, .

is kind of a strange person. She's super tall with really long limbs and gray hair even though she can't be over thirty that is always tied up over her ears. Her eyes are seriously reddish and always glaring at everyone, but the rest of her face shows almost no xpression. She has a pale, grayish complexion and always wears dark lipstick and white clothes. She's actually pretty damn scary looking, and she hates everyone. Especially - to my delight - Light Yagami. Pretty much hates him with fiery pasion. She also has a strange liking for Misa, though - calls her sweetheart alot. Misa doesn't seem to mind, she actally hugs her every day. Teachers pet, i guess. Anyway, is especially scary because she'll pretty much double your homework or give you a detention if you're mean to Misa in her class. No joke. Even L is a little scared of her.

So anyway, i stay away from Misa in that class. End of story.

passes out thick packets that are, no surprize, our tests. I hear Misa wail something about it being 'SO LONGG' and Linda (the whore who flirts with everyone) squeak in fear behind me. But actually, I'm glad it's big - the more question there are, the more likely to get a good grade, because if you get one or two wrong, you'll still have a good chance at geting an A. Not that i planned on getting any wrong - i wouldn't. No way in hell i would - i studied for _hours _on that son of a bitch.

I work on the test till the last second, even though i finsihed it in twenty, checking every awnser once, twice, and then three times. Over and over. With a calculator (not that i needed one, since i can do squrare roots in my head. So can Near, though, which is shitty). The bell rings and i finally turn it in on my way out, shooting glances at Near. There's no way to know if he was challenged by the test or not, or (more likely) that he wasn't. His face was blank and monotone as usual, just like his voice. It was too much to hope that i got lucky and he bombed it - i hated the twit, but I had to admit he was smart. A genious, even. But so was I.

The next five classes before lunch were uneventful, unless you count when did a dance randomly in the middle of Health. Yeah, really scary - but also immensely funny. He does it every time someone gives him an apple - he'll dance around like an idiot before he eats it. He's surprizingly flexible. He likes Light especially much because he brings one to school alot. I don't think it's because he's a teacher's pet, though. See... L always gets this really bright look in his eyes when does that. Like it's amusing. I honestly think that Light does it to make L happy, which kind of makes me hate him less. The guy is definately gay (his name's fucking Imagay) even though he's definately so far in the closet tehy probobly see his ass in Narnia on the worst days.

I was more than starving when Lunch rolled around, collapsing into my usual seat across from L with a plate of chocolate cake, an apple, and some chocolate milk. Yeah, I'm a chocolate whore, sue me. L looked up from his own plate of sweets and gave me an acknowlaging nod before returning to scarfing down a peice of cake. Light's sitting beside him, eating a bag of chips casually and looking spaced out, which was a bit unusual for him (I guess we were both having one of those days). Misa was, of course, beside Light, smiling at him with such sweetness I was surprized he didn't die of diabeties just looking at her. BB was at my left, looking creepily like L and sitting like him too, looking at L, or rather the space right above his head (he did that to everyone for some reason) and eating a sandwhich with nothing but jam on it. He used to just eat jam, but teachers made him switch to sandwiches when he was in school. A was sitting beside him, looking small as usual. He's not actually small - he's actually quite tall - but his personality is. He's super smart (number 4 in the upperclassmen age group) but he has really low self esteem. Which is sad, because he's a nice guy - he's pretty much B's siamese twin. They're not actually attached, but they're always together, and B threatened people to get in al the same classes with the gray-haired boy. It was creepy and adorable all at once. Matsuda was on L's other side, waving his feet in the air and jabbering about some TV show he'd seen yesterday. Two seats away from me Near was siting, eating his food - he tried to sit beside me the first day he came over to table 1 (that ws the number painted on teh table, by the way) but he stopped after a... erm, firm talking to. Gevanni was beside him, constantly looking at Near - i'm not really sure what their relationship is, because i nevr asked. They're not exactly friends - Near hardly looks at the guy except to ask him for something. More like a bodygaurd, i guess. He's nice, though, for an upperclassmen. He's kinda OCD.

The seat beside me remained empty. As always.

"How did Mello-kun's test go?" L asked kindly, looking up at me. He used japanize abbreviations at the end of people's names sometimes, apparently he spent some years in Japan and had aquired it as a habit. Anyway, i liked the way it souded at the end of my name, so i didn't object.

"Pretty good," i told him, eating some of my cake. it was kind of stale, like usual, but it was chocolae all the same. "Did you turn into your essay?"

"Yes, I did," L replied before dumping his sixth bag of sugar into his coffee, making Gevanni grimmace.

"You'll hve to let us read it, L," Light told him, nodding his head and eating another chip. For a second, i could have sworn a flash of pride go through L's eyes, but it vanihsed before i coudl be sure.

"Yes, i will have to, Light-kun."

"Misa-misa want's to read Light-kuns paper!" Misa whined, "But the stupidhead won't let me!"

Light sighed, irritated, and took a drink of his soda. I could tell that Misa secretly annoyed the brunette boy, but he kept her around because he simply couldn't get rid of her. I kind of pitied him for it - the girl was a giant pest. To have to deal with her 24/7 would be even worse, i imagined. But don't tell him that i feel bad for him sometimes, because I'll deny it. Matsuda grinned at Misa - I'm fairly sure he crushes on her, but she never notices - and nodded in agreement. I kind of have a half-fodness half-annoyance with the dark-haired boy. He's nice, on one hand - he really looks up to L and Light, and he seems to really admire me and Near, too. Really tries his best to keep us all in high spirits. On the other hand, eh's kind of an idiot, and the question as to how he ended up in a school for gifted children is beyond me, and it's kind of irritating the wa he's always poking his nose into other people's situations. So i guess he's okay, but... annoyingly stupid. Could be worse.

"It is improper to refer to yourself in third person, Misa," Near said bluntly. I would have snapped at him for being a snot face, but actually i was thinking the same thing. Only, in Near Language converted to Mello Language, it was "you sound like a stupidass with the IQ of lint." But of course Near didn't speak Mello language. Maybe we would get along better if he did. I don't know.

"What do you mean by _that _Near-san? Misa-misa doesn't understand..." I facepalmed dispite myself at the sqeak in Misa's voice, shaking my head as she clung her arms arount Light's. I couldn't help but notice that L's eyes flashed with slight irritation, though i wasn't sure if it was because of her stupidity or her clinginess to Light.

Whateer the case, L said monotonously, "Don't mind her, Near, her IQ is not adequate to conpensate to her speech and while she is quite intelligent on paper she is socially unequipped to translate it into actual life situations unless it is something that personally concerns her, such as the wellbeing of Light Yagami." His voice was so blunt and emotionless sounding, i almost didn't see the resentmess flicker through his dull pencil-gray eyes. Misa stared at him for a long moment, looking confused, and i beleive that if she had 'Do Not Compute Big Words" written on her face in marker it wouldn't have been more obvious than it was right then just by the expresion on her face. To my surprize, Light snickered a little, more than likely becuase of the expression on Misa's face.

Matsuda seemed to actually understand what L said, much to my surprize, and replied, "That's kind of mean L..." I winced a little at the sincerity of his voice - Matsuda's pretty unbiased in ihs opinions, and actually he was probobly right - that was pretty mean. Really, i guess Matsu's not quite as dumb as we give him credit for, but i guess maybe the fact that he's NOT a genius makes him more equipped, socially i mean. He's smart enough to stay on everyone's good side, or at least enough on everyone's good side to not get his ass beat up every afternoon.

"I'm sorry, ," L said after a few seconds of staring at Matsuda, tilting his head slightly to look at Misa. He didn't look very sorry, but then again, L doesn't usually look very anything.

"That's okay, L-chan," Misa chirped, smiling again - she calls pretty much everyone at the table "chan" unless she's mad at them, excluding Near who always corrects her and tells her that they are not in fact friends nor lovers, and so she shouldn't use that suffix. Nobody else seems to mind, though, unless you count me (who's immensely annoyed by it) and maybe A (who always looks uncomfortable). The mood of confusion immediately washed off Misa's face and she picked at her practicallly nonexistant lunch, chattering away immediately about some episode of American Idol. "So anyway Adam Lambert is tottaly the best in the show, seriously, he definately needs to win..."

"The possibility that he will actually win isn't very high," A suddenly spoke up - which was kind of scary, becuse he almost never speaks up - his gray-blue eyes glittering with insecurities, "While he is more than likely the one who will come the most sucessful, many people do not enjoy his brand of music."

"Boo," Misa said poutily, just as Beyond replied, "A is probobly right, but then again alot of it is chance - who will get up and pick up the phone and who will be too lazy, ect ect. It's not really just singing in that show. Alot of it is chance and simple popularity."

L yawned and, as always, spoke up too. He has a certain way with Beyond and A (they all look sorta the same too, which is super weird) and they always ended up talking about something random like this. "It's all just a scam anyway, nobody really cares about the singing on that show, it's the money they care about," L said, "but then again, that's all anybody cares about in business standards. It's simply human nature."

"That's a crappy human nature," Matsuda muttered, taking a bite from his sandwich.

"That is the way that it is for all businesses, small or big, what they really want is money. It is what keeps people on Earth on the top of the chain, is money. It has become necissary in human life in the common ages, and so therefor it is what is necissary to survive. Of course people wolud strive for it," Near said in his usual tone, twirling his hair. I was a little surprized when he turned to me , seeming to expect me to argue with him.

Well, as always, he was right, and I said, "Unless you're counting charities or nonprofit orgonizations - not all people are completely insensitive, you know." At this Near tilted his head slightly, studying me, as if he hadn't quite seen me before. Gevanni was grinning over his shoulder.

"Exactly," Light suddenly said - great, the crazy one agrees with me - and seemed to try and carefully worm his arm away from Misa, to no avail. He was nodding his head. "Mello's completely correct - not every human being is the same."

"But we are very similar," B spoke up just as L said, "Light-kun and Mello-kun have similar opinons because they come from similar backgrounds - they each express their emotions passionately, so therefor they would probobly come to diffrent conclusions than those of us who repress them. Neither of us are correct nor incorrect - there is no way to prove it unless we were to enter the mind of many other human beings."

That shut most of us up.

The rest of lunch wasn't very interesting. Misa and Matsuda continued jabbering about American Idol and some other cooking show that i can't remember teh name of, and L ad Light kept throwing glances at each other. I was wondering what they were really thinking about each other. They were always competing - constantly battling it out in Tennis, always fighting for grades and such, always arguing in debates, usually on diffrent sides of it. They were pretty much opposites. What they saw in each other I couldn't quite understand. I mean, i respected them both - L was, as you know, kind of my idol and i respected everything he said, and while i didn't always agree with him he always had a point and was really pretty fun to be around even if he was socially inept; Light I had a few problems with, since we always bickered, but we tended to have similar opinions on certain things, as far as emotions were concerned anyway, and i respected him because he was smart, it was just his popularity that got to me. But i couuldn't understand why they were attracted to each other. They were confusing to me - I couldn't tell if they hated or loved each other. Maybe both, if that was possible. Their situation was similar to Near and I, except that everyone was competting with L. Light was numer two and always competting with him, but B was an extermely close number 3 (only reason he wasn't 2 was because he got in trouble so often and missed quizzes and things) and always competted with L as well, and so was A though not nearly as violently or strivingly. He used to be higher on the charts, I've heard, a few years back. I guess something bad must've happened, because he stopped trying.

People are so confusing.

****

Classes were boring as usual, but I learned alot, especally in the technology courses. I'm not too great with that kind of stuff, so it was really a challenge for me - I really can't get anywhere near (AHHHHHH!) technology without it malfunctioning, getting a zillion viruses, or - at worst - exploding. More than likely all of the above. So I'm not so cool with the stuff. But we were learning about hacking and stuff, and how it works (and how it's illegal) and it was pretty interesting, even if I would never be able to do it myself.

On my way out of technology I struggled to turn off my computer, but it woudln't let me. It kept saying "error" on the screen. I cursed under my breath, clicking "sign out" over and over but to no avail. The stupid error screen woudln't even x out for more than two seconds. Cursing again i crouched down and punched the power-off button. It made this weird "weeeeehhhhhaaaahhhh" noise when i did that (i think i punched it too hard) and i scrambled away befoe the teacher noticed, humiliated by my lack of computer skills and knocking right into Triston.

Do you remember when I mentioned Triston? Surely you do, becaue everything I say is complettely amazing (that was sarcasum). Well, in case you don't, Tristons that peice of shit who flirts with everyone with a vagina. You know, the one who flirted with me before he figured out i DIDN'T? Yeah, him. He's got some grudge against me now, because apparently I "led him on" that i was a girl (I didn't, by the way, I never once specified my gender in the ten muinates in which he stalked me) and so he pretty much hates me now. I think it's just a coverup for the fact he flirted with a guy. I guess I didn't exactly TELL him that I was a guy - we only talked for like five seconds though - but i just figured he was gay or something. He's actally pretty hot, which would be why he dates every girl ever - he's #3 on the hottie list (i'm number one, just nobody approaches me, thank goodness, since I'm "scary," and - oh joy - Light Yagami is number two... creepy) and for good reason. He's got really dark, chocolatey, wavy brown hair and bangs that keep getting in his eyes, which are sharp and amber, and always dresses really sharp. The sharp dressing is probobly the reason I figured he was gay. But anyway, he's pretty hot, but I'm not into him or anything (also not gay, which would be why as well) but I can understand why girls fall for his looks. However, it's his personality that gets me.

"Hey, asshole, watch where you're going," Triston growled, shoving me backwards. I didn't go very far, since he's not really that strong, and simply stepped back a few inches. When he smirked i gave him a death glare. I wanted to punch him in teh jaw, but the ugly computers teacher was watching us with her beady rat eyes and I really didn't want to get detention. I'd never had a detention (somehow, I always made a break for it just in time) but oh how it was tempting.

"Oh I'm _so _sorry, Triston, did you bruise your perfect skin?" I say with fake sweetness, fluttering my eyelashes in what i know was the "girly look" that set him off the first time. He flinches and looks tempted to punch me in the jaw as much as I am, but he see's the teacher too. So he does nothing when i brush by him and mutter, "Pretty boy" under my breath as i go. I hurry my pace as I escape the room smirking a little. That guy is a total pretty boy, and I hate it - sure, I'm hot and I know it, but I'm not a total baby about it either. To prove my point I flash a smile at a few girls I don't reconize who were peeking at me over their fashion magazines. The redhead squeaks and hides behind the magazine, but I can see the blush there. The blonde faints, I think, which was a little major, but I laugh a little and swagger my way to my locker. I love playing with girls, as long as it stays innocent - I'm better than Triston with girls in that way. See, he does simlar little techniques of flirting, but he immediately wants in their pants afterwards. Which would be less annoying if they didn't let him.

I yawn and stretch as i exit the school building, exhausted from my day but really not at all anxious to get home, and involentarily get a happy little sigh from a few girls on the steps. I sigh too and put my arms back down, hurrying down the steps. Sometimes, the girls are just embaressing. Not always fun at all.

I don't want to go home, not at all. The idea makes my stomach tighten - my brother will be home today for sure, I saw his car in the driveway on my way out this morning. I didn't want to go home - my mom was bad enough, but my brother? A million times worse.

"Mello, come here for a moment."

I whirl around, at first expecting a teacher, but it isn't - I'm surprized to see that it's actally . He's our vice principal - kind of a scary man, nobody really likes him. I don't even think he likes children (which begs the question why he's a vice principal) and - doubling as a gym teacher - he enjoys making people run tons of laps around the school when they talk back to him. This particular punishment's not that bad for me, though, who actually enjoys the run - it's kind of fun, actually, because once I make a lap I wave and wink at girls and they all squeal (you have to admit, that would be pretty freakin' fun, even if you weren't exactly attracted to them).

Anyway, i walk over to , trying to look innocent. "Yes, ?" I reply politely, looking up at him. He's a tall man, and not attractive at all, though I have to wonder what he looked like when he was younger. He looks down at me, bushy eyebrows scruntching together as he peers at me, as if making sure I'm the right person.

After a second, he says, "I want you to be honest with me here, Mello - did you punch Near this morning?" He looks very seriously at me, eyes narrowing, "He won't say who did it to him, but you're definately teh most likely subject here, Mello. Punching someone is very serious."

I didn't punch Near this morning. For once, it wasn't me - it was Halle. I knew it, too, because she'd told me in her little rant. He'd apparently made a comment about how her test scores don't match her IQ - what he meant, i beleive, was that she's not reaching her full potetntial, but she obviously didn't see it that way. Anyway, it was a crappy situation for Near, though I don't really feel bad for the little twit.

Now, I'm not a tattler. I'm a good person in that way, at least in criminal morals, and I was hardly going to rat out my "kind of a friend" (Halle) for beating up my annoying peice of shit nemisis (Near). So instead I did what i hoped would keep me at school longer. "Yeah, . It was me. I did it."

sighed and shook his head, patting my head as if I were only a few years old. I got the usual lecture about how punching people was bad and how i shouldn't let rankings fuel violence, most of which i tuned out, and was told to run thirty laps around the school. Oh, joy, I think, thirty laps. I did sixty once, so, this is pretty much a blessing. I appologize again and take off running before he can tell me any other punishments.

Half away around the school I run into Near. He's just sitting there in the grass, as if he were waiting for me. And i guess he was, because he looks up at me with big, expectant gray eyes. I slow my run when he looks at me, jogging in place beside him. "What?" I hiss, frowning. I notice he has a bruise on his cheek.

Near looks at me. I swear I think i saw confusion in his eyes, which is rare for Near (I said he was annoying, not dumb) as he asks, "Why did you rat yourself out? You did not do it. It was Halle who punched me."

I pause for a second but decide not to reply, taking off around the rest of the lap. I don't want to awnser that, to admit weakness. I don't want to admit that i didn't want to rat out my "almost friend" and i didn't want to mention that i didn't want to go home anyway. He hardly needed to know about my home life - the little shit wasn't my friend and he wasn't anything else either. But, of course, he was there when i rounded on the next lap. And the next lap. It wasn't until lap number fifteen that i pause to talk to him.

I'm a little out of breath at this point, slowing to a jog before pausing to stand beside him. He's still sitting there in the grass, playing with some transformer toy. I notice out of the corner of my eye that Gevanni is close by in a tree, half watching us while reading some book, but it's not a surprize - he pretty much goes everywhere. "Why are you still here?" I ask angrily, putting my hands on my hips.

"I did not receive a reply," Near said simply, shrugging his shoulders. I narrow my eyes.

"Well, you ask me that - why didn't _you _rat her out?" I growl, peering at him angrily. It was true - Roger had said he couldn't get a statement out of the albino twithead.

Near hesitated at the question, seeming to suddenly consiter this himself only now, dull gray eyes flickering. You could practically see hte gears turning in his eyes as he transformed his little toy into a truck. Once it was fully rebulit he replied, "I do not know why. I was hoping you would know, Mello." He looked up at me with serious gray eyes. "Why do we care?"

I kept running. I didn't have an awnser for him.

**A/N: I'd just like to make this clear that this isn't a MxN fic. I just haven't introduced dear Mattie yet. : P I just felt like i wanted to make Near important and at least try to be friendly with him. A little. Maybe. Mello doesn't like him, though XD sorry Near! Nobody likes you! Well, except Gevanni and mabye L, but you know, that hardly counts. XD at least, L doesn't. **

**Anyway.. off to the next chapter! *superhero time***

**...i have too much spare time in Jamacia *facedesk* It's super aweosme here though, in case you were wondering. : ) Which you weren't. You're probobly just sitting there on your computer, screaming, "JUST GET ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER, WOMAN! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, BOTHERING US WITH THESE LAME AUTHORS NOTES!? GET ON WITH THE STORY SO WE CAN GET TO MATTY, DAMMIT!" Yep, that's you. if you're not doing that now, you should start.**

**~Holli**


	3. Chapter 3

Thirty laps in fifteen muinates. I'd say that's pretty impressive, especially because I stopped to talk to Near.

However, once I was done, I didn't want to stop. I slowed down at my "finish line" in the parking lot of the school yard, lingering under the flagpole and scanning around. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to just keep running forever, run away from my problems rather than face them. I'm not a weak person, I tell myself every day, but when it comes to my family I am. I don't want to go home. I'd rather stay here, running a million laps until I die from dehydration than go home and face my family.

_Go home, Mello._ That's what Roger told me when i finished my laps, as if it was a blessing. As if he expected me to jump for joy - YAY! BACK HOME! I wasn't happy, though. I didn't want to leave. But i gave him my fake, plastered on my face, and headed out. Maybe i wouldn't go home. No reason too, it's not like I get fed there or anything. I could just hop on my motorcycle and go to the city for a while. It was weekend after all, and it's not like anyone would miss me. Except my brother. He might miss me some. But I wouldn't miss him.

Problem was, my motorcycle was at my house. And at my house, my brother was waiting. So i would have to go home anyway.

I sigh and pull my backpack onto my back, heading for my neighborhood. I can't run away, I'm not tough enough to escape. Maybe my brother wouldn't be home after all - maybe he'd find some chick to go screw or something and leave his family alone, like he was suppose to. Like a regular boy.

No such luck. There it is, a red sportscar in the driveway. And who else would be leaning on the door than my brother himself.

My brother's not an unattractive man, at least I don't think so, since girls come home with him alot. He's tall and strong looking, with eyes like mine and my moms, but brown hair that's real short like my dad's used to be. He's a big man - he's twenty two. And he's drunk again - i can tell by the way he's leant on the car all clumsily, and it scares me. Things always go wrong when he's drunk.

"Hey, bitch, 'bout time you got home," he says in a strangely casual tone, shoving himself off of the car and sautering towards me. I try to just brush by him towards my cycle, but he surprizes me and jabs his elbow into my gut, making me gasp and fall to my knees, on all fours. That's the worst position to be in with him, and I immediately dive, rolling onto my back and scramblign backwards to sit up. He's standing over me with a smirk on his face, like he's watching some beetle flailing around on the ground instead of his own little brother. "What took you so long, hum? Screwing some broad at your school or somethin'?"

I keep my head low and don't reply - either awnser would be bad. If i said no, he'd make fun of me and call me a fag. If I said yes, he would blow up and tell me i was a giant whore. Even though me screwing some girl wouldn't be half as bad as what he does to people. So i just keep my head low and inch backwards towards my motorcycle, praying that someone would look over and see us.

It's too much to ask for.

He lunges forward and grabs my shoulder, roughly pulling me up. I try to struggle away but he has a firm hold on me, shaking me like a rag doll. "AWNSER MY QUESTION, YOU SHIT!" he screams, kicking me in the torso. Hard. I yelp and try to struggle, clawing at his hands on my shoulder. For this, he slaps me, making a loud SMACK sound as i stumble back, crashing into my parked motorcycle. He's towering over me it seems, even though he's only a few inches taller, his blue eyes like cruel, icy fire.

"I was just at school, Gabriel..." I manage to choke out, pain coursing through my face. Really, though, the most pain is in my torso, and I know I'm going to bruise. Bruise where nobody will ever see it.

His name is Gabriel. God's favorite angel. What irony.

"Don't talk back, you son of a bitch," he growled, grabbing me by the hair and pulling. I scream before i can help my self, hands flying to claw at his fingers, but to no avail. He pulls me upright, glaring into my eyes, blue clashing with blue. "You have no right to talk to me that way." I suck in a breath, trembling a little. Why does nobody see? Why does nobody come to my rescue when he does this? Does nobody see from their windows? From the roads? Is God truly just punishing me this way? If not, then why does no one save me?

"Let go... Gabe..." I whimper, struggling a little. He releases his grip on my hair, but only to slam me to the side and grab my arm. I gasp as he jerks my arms behind my back, pulling me towards the house. No. I can't go near there, can't go near that house. I wail and stuggle against his grip, his big hands trapping my wrists. Wriggling I try to free myself, twisting backwards to try and bite him but he's a careful distance away from me, tugging me along towards the house. No. He can get away with so much more in that house. "GABE!!!" I scream now, kicking backwards and knocking my head into his. It hurts like hell, but it hurts him too, just enough to make him release me.

I bolt. As soon as i can I bolt, jumping onto my motorcycle. Once I get it started, I'll e safe. I hear Gabriel howling in anger, holding his head and using so many curse words I can't bear to write them down. I gun the cycle, ignoring him, trying to block out the screaming.

_"Welcome home, little bro!" Gabriels voice is friendly and happy as i come in the driveway. I look up in surprize as he tackles me, but it's not in a violent way, swinging me into his arms and spinning me aroudnd in a hug. I scream and laugh, trying to struggle out of his arms. _

_"Gabe!" I squeal as he drops me, punching him lightly in the arm. "You're an idiot!" He laughs, giving me a loopy little grin that seems somehow out of place on his chiseled features, eyes crinkling as he laughs._

_"You have a good day at school? What took you so long?" he asked, ruffling my hair. I slap his hand away, but I actually enjoy the attention. "You get a girlfriend yet?"_

_"Nah," i reply, shaking my head, "I'm focousing on schoolwork." At this Gabriel rolls his eyes, like I'm being stupid, but says nothing. "I think I'm gonna take a ride, okay?" _

_Gabe nods, smiling brightly at me. "Alright, but don't crash or 'nothin." He reminds me as i hop onto the ride, slipping on my helmet. "And pick up some milk, too!"_

_"Okay, Gabe! See ya!" I call, waving, and gun the engine. I love my brother._

Tears roll down my cheek as the cycle starts, pulling into reverse and pulling on the helmet. It's a good thing I did, too, because when i glance over at Gabe, he has a glass bottle. Whiskey, probobly. I brace myself, but not enough as the empty bottle smashes into me, shattering on my helmet. I feel pain in my head and shoulders but I ignore it, speeding away and trying to ignore Gabriels angry shouts. "Youll come running back, Miheal! YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU BETTER RUN, DEMON!"

The wind whips around me as i fly down the road, ignoring the speed limit as i escape the neighborhood. The motorcycle is silenced, so it doesn't have that obnoxious VROOOM VROOM VROOM thing that people have. That's partially because hat's annoying. The real reason is so i can escape at night without being noticed. The speed is exhilirating, sending a new wave of adriniline through me as I go. I let the pure speed of things take me, feeling myself inch faurther and faurther away from my problems and my family. It's an amazing feeling, that motorcycle ride,

I drive for about a half an hour before I finally pul into town, pulling into the parking lot of a gas station. I don't need gas. I need chocolate.

Shoving the key in my pocket and chaining it to the rail I climb off, pulling the helmet off of my head, hair escaping it's clutches. The gas station's a run down kind of place, without many people around. That's fine with me - I don't mind at all. I want to be as alone as possible. I saunter down the sidewalk and swing open the door, peering inside the store. There's a casheir girl with pig tails at the top of her head, looking through a magazine and obviously not working very hard, a buff looking guy with too many tattoos on his arm, an old woman walking with a cane. Strange little group of people, but I wave off the initial curiosity, stalking into the room. The girl, of course, stares at me as I do. I wonder if she knows I'm a shitty person by the glower on my face. Aparentl not though, because she's grinning at me.

All girls are the same.

Hurrying to the back of the store I grab five chocolate bars before heading back to the counter. The lady gives me a weird look, as if not beleiving I'm only getting chocolate, but she doesn't question it. Good - I hate it when people ask why i eat so much chocolate. Isn't the reason obvious? _Becuase I fucking want to. That's why._

When i finally have my chocolate I plop down on a bench outside the gas station, tearing one open and immediately starting to eat. The taste is comforting. Hersheys. Yum.

As i eat I see people shooting me weird looks. I guess it's not every day that you see someone like me around here. I don't care though, ignoring them and eating my chocolate, only observing them with semi-intrest to releive my boredom. There's a trio of girls giggling and talking outside a minivan, pointing and squealing and nodding to me; someone who looks like a parent getting gas and looking extremely annoyed; the guy with the tattoos is glaring at me for one reason or another; there's a girl staring at me from the across the way; and then there's...

Suddenly I feel someone beside me and I whip around, immediately ready to punch someone in the jaw or tell some bitch to go away. But I'm a little surprized at what I see.

A subtley shorter than me boy is sitting beside me, not looking at me at all but rather up at the sky. He has the reddest hair I've ever seen - like, not orange-red or anything like that, as in RED. Like a ruby or a rose kind of red, only more auburn. He has pale skin, from what i can see below his... are those goggles? Yeah, definately goggles, white rimmed and orange-tinted. He's leaning back with his hands in his pockets, looking blankly up at the sky without much expression at all.

Slowly, i relax my offensive stance, settling back into the chair and trying not to look at him, but I can't help looking at in from the corner of my 's something kind of... attractive about him. Not just in looks - not that he's not attractive, he is - but something about the attitude he seems to have. I couldn't really explain it, but I felt comfortable with him there. I just kind of knew he wasn't there to hurt me or be a jerk. So i just relaxed and watched him.

He was in a kind of strange getup at second glance. It wasn't just the goggles - he had a black and white striped shirt and this tan, sleeveless, furry jacket on top, along with some comfortable looking jeans and tan boots. It was kind of a diffrent kind of getup, but he pulled it off. The way he was staring up at the sky was kind of entrancing, like he thought that something important was going to show up in the clouds, a sort of half-smile on his lips. I noticed blankly that his lips looked soft, kind of out of place on his pale complexion. I wondered what color his eyes were, but I decided not to ask.

I realized I was staring at him only when he peeked at me from the corner of his eye, his smile vanishing to an uncertain frown. I looked away quickly to stare at my knees, angry at myself for even acknowlaging him that much, but it's obvious he saw me looking. I know he's staring at _me _now, and immediately I feel self concious. Was there something weird about _my _getup too? I guess I don't exactly dress uniformly either...

"You waiting for someone?"

I flinch at the voice, turning around to find that the redhead had spoken to me. He's peering at me with a curious gaze, the half-smile returning to his face. There's something intelligent about his eyes, i notice blankly, and i still kind of wish i knew what color they were. Swatting the thought away, I shake my head in responce to his question, feeling self concious all over again. I hated talking to new people - at school it was diffrent, and I was safe, but it felt so... random outside of school.

"Oh... then what are you doing here?" the redhead asks, looking away from me but still obviously listening to what I'm saying. I watch him carefully, uncertain of how I should awnser as he pulls out a pack of ciggerettes from his pocket. _How old is he? _i wonder. He doesn't look like he colud possibly be alot older than me, which meant he was probobly underage. Not that i really cared much for the law.

I take another violent bite of my chocolate, finishing my bite before i awnser, "Eating chocolate." The redhead raises an eyebrow at me, apparnetly amused by my responce because a grin spreads across his face. I like his smile for one reason or another - it looks so real and unforced, like his feelings are just shining through on his face. There's a word for that... wearing your heart on your sleeve. Or something like that. I take another bite of chocolate as he lights up the cancer stick. Alot of people would be sickened by the habit, but I don't care - it's alot better than drinking in my opnion. And anyway... I just don't mind. In fact, I kind of like the smell (guilty pleasure).

"So what brings _you _here?" I ask after a moment, peering up at him curiously. He really is interesting - there's something about him that makes me want to talk to him. He seems a bit surprized that I said anything, but he smiles at me again, that casual half-smile returning to his face. He has dimples.

"Oh, nothing really," he said, taking another drag and puffing it out above his head in a ring. I watch the smoke go up in the air as i take another bite of my chocolate, wondering vaugely what's so great about smoking. I'd probobly do them, but i care too much about my sports record to ruin my lungs. "I was really just here to pick up some ciggs, but I figured I'd stick around a while."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Why?" I ask uncertainly. Did he have a bad home life, too? That was pretty much the reason I was staying. So I'm a little surprized when Matt smirks at me, rolling his eyes to look at me much like a puppy does, a smirk inching across his face. I blink. "What?"

"Oh, no reason really," he said casually, crossing his legs and looking up at the sky again, still smirking. "Just saw something.... interesting." I frowned at his responce, not quite understanding, but I follow his gaze to the sky. There's nothing reallly that special about it, really... just clouds on blue. Just like it always is.

Silence settled between us again, but somehow the silence wasn't awkward. It was peaceful. Just sitting there with some stranger, a stranger who didn't know about my family, or about my reputation at school, or about my grades, or about... any of that. Peaceful. I suddenly understood what watching the sky was all about - the clouds just slowly drifting over the clear blue of the sky, slightly illuminated by the big yellow orb that was the sun. It was a blissful feeling, just watching white puffs drift across the blue of the sky. For one reason or another, I had the urdge to rest my head on his shoulder, but of course I didn't. I didn't know him, in any case. I didn't know the sky, either, in a way - I had never just sat back and watched it like this. It seems like a weird thing to say, but I hadn't really known how blue it was until right then.

"Do you have anywhere to go?"

I blinked and turned to him, slowly, as he spoke again. He had a warm voice, gentle and trustworthy. Right now, it was tainted with worry. I frown, a little surprized by the true, honest worry that I see in his expression - why would he worry about me? He hardly knew me. It was hardly even his business.

_I could go home, where they would beat me. I could go back to school, where they would expect perfection from me. I could go and drive aimlessly forever, but it won't take me anywhere._

"....Not anywhere good."

I turn away before I let myself gauge his reaction, looking back up at teh sky. Suddenly it doesn't look as blue anymore. Suddenly all I can feel is the dreading feeling that came with consitering returning home. I didn't want to go back to that place. I wanted to stay here with this stranger on a bench.

I'm thankful that the redhead doesn't reply, instead taking another long drag of his cigerette and blowing it out. It gets in my face a bit, the smoke I mean, but I don't mind, trying to sink back into that silence I had before. However, the stranger speaks up again. "I'm Matt."

I tilt my head slightly to look at him. _Matt. _The name fits him almost perfectly, in a strange way, as if it were chosen to fit him spicifically.

"Mello," I reply quietly, trying to resist the urdge to either a) smirk like I do at school b) cower like I do at home or c) look at my feet, trying to keep staring at him in the most casual way I can. Matt turned to look straight at me, eyes glittering with suddden intrest.

"Is that your real name?" he asks, peering at me curiously. I shake my head, because it isn't.

"No. My real name's Mihael. Mihael Kheel," I tell him honestly, looking back up at the sky and biting my lip. When he makes no move to continue the converastion, I do so myself. "Mello's just a thing that came up at school a long time ago. I don't remember why, but I hate my name anyway. So Mello is better."

I spy Matt nodding in the corner of my eye. "Yeah, I get that," he said casually, his voice a little bit wistful. "Matt's not my real name either. Real name's Mail. Mail Jeevas."

"Mail Jeevas...?" I repeat, wrinkling my nose. Mail? Like, the postal service? It seemed like a weird name... but at the same time, I kind of liked it. "That's a cool name. Where did you get Matt?"

"Middle name," he explained, chuckling a little (most likely in responce to my wrinkled nose). I liked his laugh, too - it was the same as his smile, honest and unforced. "Mail Matthew Jeevas. I don't know _what _my mother was thinking when she named me. Probobly just in sad attempt to make sure her son didn't turn into a flaming homosexual or something."

I smile a little at this, then wonder what he meant by 'attempt' and wrinkle my nose again, doing a double take and looking him over again. Was he saying he was gay? He diddn't seem uncomfortable or strange with what he was saying, teh honest, laughing smile still apparent on his face. I can't see his eyes for his bangs, but I guess that they're sparkling. He doesn't _seem _gay... I shrug away the thought. Whatever. I'm hardly a homophobe or anything, it doesn't bother me at all. I decide it changes nothing.

Or at least, nothing for the "worse" side of things.

"So. Shitty home life?" I'm startled by the question - was he a mind reader!? - and whip around to look at him with big, surprized eyes. He blinks, and i guess I look like a deer caught in the headlights because he quickly raises his hands, as if to say 'don't freak out, i'm innocent' shaking his head. "Just a hunch. Sorry."

I pause before looking back up at the sky, sighing. There was no use lying. "Don't be. You're right - my home life sucks. But it could be worse."

Matt doesn't pry, looking back up at the sky with a half-smile back on his face. "Is it 'cuz your gay?" he asks in a casual tone, startling me and making me choke on my chocolate. Did he think _I _was gay? I look at him with wide, startled eyes. He blinks at my shocked look and blushes a little. "I mean... uh..."

I cut him off, face burning as I look back down at my combat boots, grimmacing. "No. That's... no." I grumble, irritated. "I'm not gay."

"Oh. Sorry, man."

"Yeah."

The atmosphere is suddenly tense, and i continue staring sternly down at my feet, feeling my face smoldering with an angry blush. I had never had anyone ask me about my sexuality that way, unless you counted my brother, but he calls everyone nasty name like that. Of course, Matt wasn't insulting me - he wasn't calling me 'fag' he seriously thought I was attracted to other men. Still, I was extremely embaressed by the comment. Wouldn't anybody be?

I'd never really quesitoned my sexuality until now. But... a million images suddenly spill over into my mind, and i fight to block them out with diffrent thoughts.

_"Oh, Mell! You're home!" my brother called when I came into the kitchen. I smiled at him as I tossed my bag onto the counter, a little sweaty because of a tennis match with Light. He'd lost this time - I was quite proud of myself for beating him, since he was an upperclassman. "You crazy bitch, how long have you been out!?" _

_I roll my eyes - he's obviously teasing. He tosses an apple at my head, but I catch it and chuck it back. He yelps, having no real coordination himself, and it hits him in the side. I snicker and lean on the counter, peering down at him. He looks happy. "What's going on with you, sir smily?"_

_"Oh, broke up with Martha," he said cheerfully. I frown - why is that good news? He grins, and clarafies, "Don't worry, it's seriously good. Now i can do whatever I want without feeling guilty." _

_I roll my eyes. My brother is such a pervert. But i still love him._

"Mello?"

Matt's voice shatters the false memory in my mind and I turn to him, a little surprized at the worry in his voice before I realize there are tears in my eyes. He's biting his lip, green eyes searching mine. I quickly wipe my wrists on my eyes to dry the tears, but they just keep coming.

"I'm sorry... is it something I said?" he asked carefully, worry in his eyes as he bit his lip. I shake my head frantically, trying to stop the flow of tears as the real memories assult my mind, unstoppable this time.

_"Mello! About time you got home!" My brother's voice was slightly slurred with drunkeness as I enter the room, slouched in the kitchen chair with a glower on his ugly face. I'm sweating a little - I'd just had a tennis match with Light. I'd won, but the victory wasn't that wonderful - I kicked his ass, but we also left early because of it. Which meant coming back here. again. When i don't respond immediately he smacks his beer bottle to the table, glaring at me and yelling, louder now, "You crazy bitch, how long have you been out!?"_

_I flinch at the voice, trying to seem uneffected by his language. When I don't reply this time he grabs an apple off the counter and chucks it at me, intending it to smash into my face, but my reflexes are just quick enough to catch it. On instinct I go to throw it back, grabbing my wrist and jerking it upwards, holding me hostage as he towered above me, suddenly very close. I can smell his drunken breath as he grins at me, his eyes smoldering with hate._

_"What's with you, sir smily?" I say sarcastically, stubbornly. I wasn't as afraid of him at this point, still stubborn around him, still holding my own. That was then. _

_His face contorts into an angry scowl, jerking my arm up harder so that I think it might come out of my soccket (it didn't), making me yelp. "Broke up with Martha," he said in a hard, rough voice, his tone more threatening than usual. I wince, and he continues, more harshly now, "Don't worry, it's __**seriously **__good news..." he drawled, digging his fingernails into my wrist, making me whimper. "Now i can do whatever i want without feeling guilty."_

_I don't understand what he means until he whips me to the side, sending me tumbling to the side. Struggling for balence i trip over an empty whiskey bottle, falling flat on my face on the ground. I can't get up, I don't have time to even if i wasn't in too much pain, because my brother kicks me in the ribs. I screech and writher in pain, trying to get away, but instead getting another hard kick in the ribs. He pauses his kicking and at first I think he's going away now, but he didn't. Instead he was on his knees and ripping the zipper off my pants._

_I yelp in surprize - he'd never done this before, this was new, this was diffrent. His eyes were swimming with auchohol and blind... something. I couldn't read it then, but it was lust. I screeched and tried to kick him, but he sat on my feet, pinning me down and jerking down the leather pants that were on my hips. I wail angrily, withering rather pathedically as the pants were ripped from my body. "You little whore, stop moving so much," he hisses, jerking a patch of my hair. I whimper, trying to make my body obey my will and not move, but I'm trembling. I want to vomit as his fingers come under my breifs, ripping those off too and completely exposing me. _

_"Gabriel..." i whimper, trying to get away once again, struggling against his weight. It's no use, though, and he slaps me across the face when I talk. _

_"Shut up, you son of a bitch," he hisses, tearing his own pants off of him. Gabriel's face is contorted with wicked glee as I squirm, my heart pouding and my brain rushing for any sort of escape plan. I come up blank, drowning in panic and fear. I can't breathe. I try to imagine something else, but I can't - the moment is too real to block out._

_I can't remember exactly how it happened. Or why. I just remember my vision blurring, I remember the tears as they ran down my face. I remember Gabriels cruel, curling smile, his narrowed ice-eyes. More than anything I remember the pain. The overwhelming, unsoftened pain. There was no love, no gentleness, no caress, no two-way pleasure. There was just the pain, the ripping down there, the only lubricant being blood. It was horrible, unbearable pain. I remember the screams, teh moans, the wails that came out of my mouth, the shreiking that I realized only when my throat went dry was my own. I remember my brother grunting and groaning above me, the glazed-over lust in his eyes. I remember being filled with that awful egg that was Gabriel's. I remember teh incredible pain that was left behind even after he moved away and out, even after he got up and left me. Left me withering and bleeding, bleeding in places I had never dreamed I would bleed._

_I was lost. I couldn't think straight, couldn't understand what had happened. I knew what happened, but I couldn't get my head around it. I'd lost so much. My stubborn affection for my brother. My youthful innocence. My virginity. Lost my virginity to my own brother. _

_There was something wrong with me._

_I was bleeding, laying on teh floor, convulsing in pain. Unbearable. I was sobbing, i think, but it was dry sobs. I was all out of tears. Choking on nothing, covered in blood and... my brother. Gabriel's cum, all over me, all over the floor. I wanted to be sick. And so i did. I got sick on the floor, vomiting everywhere, and then collapsing a few feet from there, unable to get up and leave. Unable to move because of the incredible pain in the nether areas of my body. The awful, excruciating pain. _

_I wanted to die. I prayed that I would just die there, be gone, not have to go out in teh world with the knowlage my brother had raped me. I wanted it all to go away. The sickening knowlage. The excruciating pain. The undeniable knowing. The horrible life. _

_I didn't find the mercy of death._

_I was fourteen, then._

"It's okay, Mello... you're okay... shh...."

I open my eyes and find myself warm. I panic at first, then realize that, somehow, I had ended up in the stranger's arms. Matt's arms. I don't remember how I got there, but I was, held tightly in welcoming arms of a person I hardly knew. Crying my heart out, convulsing and trembling. Completely at the mercy of someone I didn't know.

He kept whispering words of comfort in my ear, and I tried to relax but to no avail, feeling him pet my hair gently. He felt warm and welcoming, somehow, and it scared me. The close proximity throwing me into a panic, and yet at the same tme making me feel calmer. My heartbeat slowly slowed down to it's normal pace, eyes squeezing shut. "It's okay.... I'm sorrry.... You're going to be alright...." Matt whispered, his voice soothing though tainted with worry. I burry my face closer to his shirt, wiping my eyes on his shirt with a loud sniff.

"I'm sorry..." i whisper very quietly, shivering a little as I moved away from him. My face is burning, but I don't know if it's because I'm blushing or because there are tear stains on my cheeks. Matt shakes his head, ruffling my hair a little before brushing it behind my ear. I try not to smile at this gesture, but it's hard - it seems strange, but nobody has done that to me before. brush my hair behind my ear. It was a nice feeling.

"Don't be sorry," he said carefully, pulling a tissue out of his pocket and handing it to me. I take it but don't use it, just clutching it my hand. It's soft. "It's okay, really. Not exactly what I expected, but.... look, are you okay?"

I shake my head and shove the tissue in my pocket, scrambling to my feet. I couldn't stay here. I had to go home. "I'm fine," I lie a bit shakily. "Really."

"Are you sure?" Matt said carefully, getting up as if to follow me, but only handing me a half-eaten chocolate bar that I musth ave left on the chair. "Because really, I... I mean you could..." his voice faulters and he just stares at me, a certain desprateness in his eyes. I'm tempted to just break down and cry again. Nobody had ever expressed any worry for my real feelings, but this random stranger was. It was... liberating, almost.

I gave him a weak smile, reaching out and pshing the chocolate bar away from me, closing his fingers around it as I did before grabbing my motorcycle helmet, shaking my head. "I'm fine. I have to go home."

I feel his eyes on me even as I pull the helmet back on, swinging my leg over the ride. I spare him a glance to find him staring at me, a blank, sad kind of look on his face, his mouth half-open, as if he was going to say something but he couldn't make it materialize, an unfinished moment lost forever on his lips.

I ride away, loosing sight of him quickly as i come back onto the highway, just his face trapped in my mind. I guess I'll never kind what he wanted to say.

**A/N: oh ho ho, were you expecting soething else? ...No? Well, dammit. XD everyone (and their mother) has written a fic like this one, too. ;_; It'll get better I swear! XD''**

**p.s. HATE GABRIEL WITH ALL UR MIGHT D:**


	4. Chapter 4

"Mello? Are you listening to me?"

I looked up, startled, eyes widening. I find Weddy and Halle peering at me with eyebrows quirked. Weddy and Halle are good friends, though they don't hang out a whole lot at school since Weddy is an upperclassman. I rub my eyes -I had no idea what they were talking about. I hadn't even realied they were there. I was so tierd... i hadn't slept at all last night. I could thank my brother for that. I had gotten lucky when I got home - he was there with some black haired whore. But the noises they made kept me up all night anyway. When i finally fell asleep, i only woke up an hour later to hear my mother screaming at him. I ended up coming to school early, sneaking out the back window.

"Not really," I admit, rubbing my eyes and yawning. Weddy rolls her eyes, but Halle squeaks in defiance, corssing her arms over her chest. "Sorry. Long night."

"Well, if you even care," Halle continued, her voice a bit defiant, "I was here to show you this." I blink in half-surprize when she slaps a peice of paper on my desk. My eyes widen a little when I see it - it's a flyer for a school dance. At first I don't understand why she's showing me, and then i read the title again. 'Spring Fling Dance: Girl's Choice!" I curse under my breath when i read it, tossing the flyer back down on the paper.

"You should probobly hide in the janitor's closet until Friday," Weddy joked, sitting down in a chair bside me. She was a cool girl - the only other girl besides Halle that isn't falling all over me. Though Halle has a thing for me (i know because she's told me like a million times) she's not like other girls at all with the way she goes about it.

I groan and hide my face in my hands. It was true - girl's choice is the hottie list's worst nightmare. Or at least, it was MY worst nightmare - there would be girls psetering me all day to ask to dance with me at the stupid Spring Fling. And he thing was, i couldn't just shoot them down - it was GIRLS choice. Therefor, the boy has no say in the matter.

"Maybe you should just admit your asexual and make them all go away," Halle suggested, though I know she's teasing. I stick my tounge out at her and re-hide my face in my hands. For one reason or another, Matt's face appears in my mind again. I couldn't place why, but I kept thinking about him.

"Or say yes to all of them and then be "sick" that day," Weddy threw in her own suggestion, then snickered, "I feel the worst for Light."

I glare at her. Light? Weddy quickly clarafies by nodding to the hallway. Sure enough, there's Light Yagami with Misa attatched to his arm. She's shooting evil glowers at anyone who approaches him, as if they're all a threat. I snicker a little. "Yeah, poor him," I say, a bit cheered up by his pain. I see Light spot me across the hall, giving me a 'help me' look. I shrug at him, giving him a 'sorry man' gesture as Misa persists to spit venom at a short brown haired girl as she walks by.

"Maybe he could come to school in drag, that way the girls wouldn't reconize him!" Halle suggesets, barking out a laugh at her own joke. Weddy starts laughing too, but I only glare at them.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I accuse, blushign a little. Halle grins.

"Yep, you know I would," Halle said cherfully, patting me on the head. I scowl.

"It's funny 'cuz it's true," Weddy says a bit wistfully, adjusting her sunglasses. she wears them all the time, even inside and at school. It drives the teachers crazy, but I think they're done trying with her, consitering they have bigger problems with me (eating chocolate in class) Near (playing with transformers in class) Misa (wearing stripper clothes in class) Beyond Birthday (eating jam in class and throwing demonic murder threats at people in class) A (who was very touchy-feely with B in class) and L (eating candy in class and correcting everything anyone did wrong, including the teacher).

I sigh and shake my head, still not quite understanding Halle's weird fetishes when Near comes in. Weddy quickly moves out of his way as he sits down in his seat, his face blank as usual. Halle scowls at him but stays quiet, looking away from him - i guess they've had a lot of conflict since the days when they were friends.

Halle looked like she was going to say something, but came in at that moment and shot the two girls death-glares that said 'you have ten muinates to get to the class you belong in or you will be annialated.' Weddy caught the look and grabbed Halle's wrist, jerkig her from her seat and hurrying her out the door. Halle shot a deadly glower at Near ont he way out before the door shut behidn them.

"How was your afternoon?" Near asked with an expressionless-as-usual voice, shuffling a random deck of cards over and over again on his desk. After a few seconds of staring at the cards, i shrug, aveting my gaze.

"Shitty. How about you?" I reply before i can remind myself that I hate his guts. Near looks a little surprized that i replied, but the expression is gone in an instant. He's like L, sort of, in the repressing-of-emotions way.

"Not too well myself," he replied, shaking his head. I shrug and go back to eating a bar of chocolate, not really caring that much about Near's afternoon at all. Couldn't have been worse than mine.

Could it have?

I don't have time to ponder this because the last few children are flowing into the classroom, the late bell shreiking like an angry old woman. I sighed and leaned on my elbow, taking another 'snap' off of my chocolate bar. I spied a couple of my "biggest fans" (aka stalkers) Kerry and Susan, pointing and glancing at me, giggling and grinning, and i sighed. One of the two of them would for sure be stalkng my ass by the end of the day. I averted all eye contact from them, looking up at . She looked about as irritated as me, if that was possible, but it might have been because Misa was making doe-eyes at Light and tottaly ignoring her lecture. She was going on about something mathy as usual, and I scribbled down furious notes as she spoke, breaking only to take bites of my chocolate. Near wasn't taking notes, though - I'm not sure how he does it, he just somehow remembers everything, staring at with his creepy Near-eyes with this look of concentration. It's kind of irritating - I can't remember anything without having an action to go along with it (aka writing it when math's concerned).

Class ends and I bolt for my next class, praying that nobody will approach me as i make a face-paced walk for my next class, 's class. Sadly, it's all the way across the school, and so the liklihood that I'd not run into anyone was very miniscule. However, surprizingly enough, I make it to class without any run ins. At least, until I'm right inside the door and I freeze.

Light's sitting on his own desk, this really pained look on his face. L's sitting in his desk beside Light's and staring at the desk with a surprizingly annoyed look in his eyes. I freeze in the doorway, peeking around the frame. I know it's wrong to easedrop, but my curiosity is just too strong.

The brunette's voice is in a high-pitched, desprate tone I'd not heard from him before, leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees. "L, come on... you I'm not lying to you! Don't act like you don't even care..." L doesn't respond, just staring at the desk. Light's face contorts in frustration as he continues, "At least be _upset _if your not happy, L! I can't stand it when you act indiffrent about how i feel!"

L brushes some of his hair behind his ear, a tiny sigh escaping his lips. "Light, I do not care because it does not matter. Even if I return the feelings, it won't matter - you care too much about what other people think of you to act on it." His voice was blunt and brutally honest, as if he really didn't care, but I'd swear on the holy bible that there was pain in his eyes as he said it. And not just because I'm not religious, either.

"Please... L..." Light's voice is trembling, and he reaches out and touches L's arm. The raven haired boy sucks in a breath at the touch and shrugs him off mercilessly, looking away from him. His expression is still fairly blank, but the pain in his pencil-gray eyes is clearer now.

"Light, if you really felt that way, you wouldn't let people... you are just being foolish." L's voice changes direction, and I can tell that he's avoiding a diffrent topic when he trailed off, changing his mind about what he said. It wasn't often he spoke without thinking, so I was surprized. Not as surprized as Light, apprently, because his face twists into a frustrated rage.

"L, for goodness sake! Is this what this is about!?" he cries, throwing his arms in the air in frustraton. L flinches a little as Light continues, "L, come on. You know that i'd get rid of her if I could, but I can't! She's obsessed! And if I try to ditch her my parents... oh god, my parents...." he shook his head. I didn't understood what he meant by that, but L seemed to, shifting in his odd sitting position and taking a bite of the candy he'd brought along with him. Light shakes his head, continuing desprately, "L, come on, please don't be upset! I want to be with you, you know I do!"

"Light-kun--"

I have to cover my mouth to stop from gasping a few times durring the conversation, feeling like a total snoop. But then i can't help myself and I let out an audaible inhale, making L stop his speech and whip around. I know he sees me, so there's no use in hiding now. His eyes widen a little, and a blush fleets across my cheeks and Light's. L just looks shocked - which is a weird expression on L, by teh way, his mouth going into an 'o' of shock, but only for a moment before returning to his blank expression.

"Mello-kun was spying on us," L noted. It wasn't a question - he knew it, without a doubt. I scratched the back of my head with embaressment and shame, slinking to my own seat and sinking into it.

"Sorry," i said carefully, pulling out my chocolate bar and offering him a peice. "I just walked in and I..."

"It is okay, Mello-kun. Light was just being a fool," L said bluntly, taking my peice of chocolate. The brunette behind him flinches, as if his words had physically struck him. I feel a little bad for Light, but I have to agree with L - Light really didn't have a right to go around confessing to the raven-haired boy when he had a particuarly obsessive girlfriend stalking him around everywhere. I wondered vaugely what he meant by "parents" though. I knew his dad was a teacher (though I forget what he teaches, possibly Chemistry, i don't know because i don't have him), but I'd never sensed anything harsh from .

Nibbling anxiously on my chocolate I wait for class to start. People are starting to file in, though the teacher hasn't showed up yet, and Light keeps sending desprate, apologetic looks at L, which continue to go completely (or at least seemingly) ignored. Misa - who sits behind Light in this class, ironically enough) keeps leaning forward and sniffing Light's hair (which was creepy and seemed to make him irritated). I see Jade sending me loving gazes, which makes me want to be sick - not because Jade is particuarly ugly or anything, because she's actually kind of cute, but because I can't ever return her felings. I know this for sure. Because... because why? I frown, unable to place a paricular reason.

tears me from my confused throughts as he comes in, waving. He's an attractive, joker kind of a man, tall and dark haired. Everything about him is dark, except that his skin is very pale. He even wears black all the time. He's an easily attracive man - i'm sure he's been on the hottie list before - but he's also such a joker than nobody really knows what to think about him when it comes to attractiveness scale. But whatever - he's cool, at least in my opinion. (***see authors note*)**

"Today, class, we will be learning about sexual harrassment..."

A universal groan goes through the class, and the horrors of Health class resume.

***

"And so Misa-Misa was like 'oh, no you didn't' because she so had no right to talk to me like that! I mean, it is _so _not Misa's fault that Takada doesn't have a date. She's just jelous that she can't have Light-kun. And anyway so Halle was all 'You are bein' a bitch, omg' and Misa was like 'what do YOU even care about Takada' and she was all 'I don't care about Takada, you're just a bitch' and i was like 'OMG' and Debbie was all 'NO U DIDNT' and..."

Misa was drawling on about some bitch-fight she'd had with some of the other girls (aka Halle, Takada, and some other girl named Debbie) which nobody was listening to. The lunch was actually on the extreme awkwardness scale. L was strangely enough sitting beside me, his face more stony and blocked off than usual, no longer sitting beside Light. The brunette boy looked happy as usual, but it looked extremely fake and forced, Misa clinging to his arm and jabbering away. Matsuda was the only one paying attention to Misa's drawl, but he also looked like he kind of half-noticed the tension. Near was himself as usual, which didn't make matters any better. Gevanni looked anxious, orgonizing his silverware over and over again. Beyond looked like he wanted to kill Light (I'm guessing L told him the story or he had figured it out) and A (who B clearly told) wasn't eating at all, his face nuzzled in Beyond's shoulder, looking more distressed than usual. The only one oblivious to all of this was Misa, going on and on about how she was TO-TAL-EE pissed about something Halle and Takada had said about Light. Me, i wanted to explode, scarfing down an extra-big peice of chocolate cake and trying to ignore the urdge to fling myself across the table and strangle the overly-exuberent blonde.

"...and Takada _randomly _starts cussing me out, which is bullshit. The only reason i was even talking to her was because she was flirting with _my _boyfriend, and it was just sooooo stupid. And you know, like, Debbie was all 'god, takada, what is your problem, seriously!?' and Halle was like, talking with these huge complicated French words that she KNEW i wouldn't understand, but i'm pretty sure she was telling me something mean, and so i was like 'WTF' and she was like 'you're being a jerk!' and i was like 'omg no i'm not!' And then so I left, because i am the better woman and, like, didn't want to be slap-fighting with people who were, like, NOT even worth it. And so Debbie was following me and you know what she asked?" She paused for 'dramatic effect' even though nobody was listening. "She asked if _L _knew that i was dating Light. And i was like 'lol what' and she was like 'just wodering' and i was like 'omg debbie, your so weird' and we had this kind of slap fight, but it's all good because we're bffs again. But i still dont understand what she was talking about. Don't you hate it when somebody's talking aboutsomething nobody else understands? You're like LOL, WHATT? at least _I _am. And anyway--"

L suddenly violently stabbed his fork into his strawberry cake, startling Matsuda into spilling his milk down his shirt. "I would appriciate it _very much _if Misa-Misa would become silent for the rest of this meal."

His voice was commanding and a bit louder than he probobly origonally intended, though still completetly monotone. Everyone was silent for a long moment, staring at L. His long, spiny fingers were clutched around the fork like a weapon, his pencil-gray eyes narrowed slightly, staring straight at not Misa but _Light, _who's eyes had grown to the size of dinner plates. Misa gaped at L with disbeleif, as if L had just leapt onto the table and done the can-can instead of just saying what we were all thinking. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn't, shrinking faurther into her chair and hiding rather dramatically behind Light's arm. Not that Light looked like he wanted to help her - his face was pretty much the picture of depression. I was as shocked as anyone, but I was also kind of proud of L - it DID shut the little twit up, after all.

After a long, shocked moment, Beyond threw his arms up in teh air and announced, "Well thank GOD for that announcement!" A giggled a little awkwardly, hiding his face in B's shirt afterwards, and everyone relaxed a little, the weird silence broken by Beyond's usual weirdness. Gevanni smiled a little, Near went back to playing with his transformer, and L went back to eating. The only ones who didn't go back to normal were Misa and Light. Light looked horrified, eating his sandwich with a distainful look. I'm pretty sure his face right then belonged on one of those Clinically Suicidal - You Are Not Alone posters. Misa looked equally offended and confused, picking at her salad which was nothing more than a few peices of lettuce, and she wasn't even eating that. I think she's anerexic, possibly.

I was finished with my own lunch by this point and leaned back in my chair, watching everyone eating. I was a little worried, in the back of my mind, about the girls in the table next to us. They were all either givng angrly looks to Misa or givng loving looks to me. Of course, one of them was Jade. Several girls (including her) had almost approached me, or said hi, but i had cleverly escaped each time with some kind of excuse. Trying to avoid thoughts of annoying Girls Choice dances and L and Light's problems, I watched everyone at our table.

Gevanni was watching Near with strange intensity, dark gray-green eyes watchful. I wondered what he was thinking, vaugely - did he.... no, he couldn't _like _Near, could he? Could you really fall in love with an ice cube? It was hard to know, considering his blank sort of look, though there was a smile on his lips.

Near was completely oblivious looking as usually, turning his Transformer from a car to a person-like-thing again. His gaze was blank and somewhat thoughtful. I wondered what he was thinking, too, but onl for a minate before i realied i didn't actually care.

L was doing what he always did, eat cake. Howver, he was eating it really violently, making CLANK CLANK noises when he came in for another bite again, the sound of metal on glass. You wouldn't be able to tell from his expression, but I'm vaugely suspicious that he's looking at Light from time to time with slight sadness.

Light still looks like a suicide poster.

Misa is still clinging to Light's arm, though silent for once, picking at the lint on his sweater dispite the dirty looks he's getting from Beyond and the girls at the other table.

Beyond is, like i said, shooting the ocasional dirty look at Misa, probobly blaming her for L's pain - he likes L, not in a love kinda way, in the same way I do, with respect. He's holding A in his arms and giving him a blank look. The blankness on his face on anyone else would be discribed as confused, but on Beyond it was as gentle as his cruelly twisting face ever got, and if you looked closely you could see him brushing his hand through gray hair in a gentle kind of way he never did anything else with.

A was alot like a cat, nuzzling his face in Beyond's shirt, messy slate-gray hair hiding his face partially, looking self-concious as usual. For a second, watching them, I feel a little jelous. The way they can just be with each other and not even care what people think. How can they be so comfortable being gay? I feel jelous for a second... then stop mself. Why am i jelous? I'm not gay... Matt's face flikers through my mind again, and i shove it away. I needed to stop thinking about strangers.

Matsuda was shooting nervous glances at everyone, eating his food silently while simutainiously trying to get the milk stain out of his shirt, looking rather rediculous as he did.

Suddenly, out of no where, the mood was broken and Misa suddenly broke her own silence. "Mello-kun, do you have a cut on your neck?"

I freeze, hand fling to my neck. _The whiskey bottle. _Immediately everyone is looking at me with wide, curious eyes (or at least, in Near's case, regular uninterested eyes). I glare at Misa and she flinches - i guess the glare was pretty convincing. "Yeah, what of it?" I growl, moving my hand away. I guess it must have looked pretty bad, though, because B reached out and quite violently jerked my head to the side to get a better look. I hiss in irritation, but I know he's not actually trying to hurt me, his face very close to my neck as he peered at me.

"Ohhh, that's definately bleeding again," Beyond said in a partially-scolding voice, poking the wound. I flinch a little dispite myself - the wound must have reopened or something. I see Misa look very grossed out as she looked at me, and Light's gaze turns from angst to more angst. A, who's peering over B's shoulder, gives me a sympathedic little squeak.

I roll my eyes. "Look, I'm fine," I grumble, but B pokes the wound again, bringing the finger back with blood on it. I'm about to demand he stop doing that when he suddenly licks his finger, as if to taste the blood. Misa squeals in surprize and covers her face, disgusted. Light looks shocked. To my surprize, A just giggles.

Me, the one who _actually _got his blood tasted, I don't really care, except to be a littel confused. I raise my eyebrow at him. "Um, what the hell, man?" I ask angrily, frowning cynically at him. Beyone blinks at me, then gives me a creepy smile.

"Oh, I was just curious," he said happily, wiping his mouth and sitting back down. "You should probobly go get that checked on, though."

Misa looks ready to faint, as does Matsuda. Near looks bored, peering at the wound himself. "This was made by something like glass, yes?" Near guesses accurately, peering at the scratch. I sigh, rolling my eyes, even though inside I want to scream with horror that anyone found one of my wounds.

"Look, you guys are making a big deal out of nothing," i accuse, slapping Near's hand away before he has the chance to move my hair away to get a better look. "I must have scratchd it on something, I dunno. Don't worry so much."

L scrunches up his nose, looking at me as if something disgusting had just appeared on my forehead. When i give him a questioning look, Near speaks up instead, "You look nervous, Mello. Are you hiding something? Because if something is happening at ho--

"I AM FINE!" I'm surprized at how loud i sound, shooting Near a death glare. The albino shuts his mouth, face getting about two shades paler, which is a stretch because he's already pretty much ghost pale. Before anyone else can say anything I shove myself to my feet, causing the table to shudder, kicking the chair out from behind me. A couple of people shoot me questioning looks, and everyone at the table stares at me, but I don't care. I stalk out of the lunchroom and into the hallway, burning with anger and humiliation and blinded with pointless emotion. I can only barely think straight.

Nobody can learn my secret. Nobody. If they did, surely something bad would happen. People would find out that he raped me. People would find out that I lost my virginity to my own bother. People would see through my mask and see the trembling, tempermental maniac that I was. People would see the curse that I was.

"Mello....?"

I turn slowly to see the sorce of the voice to find that it's Jade. I reconize her from classes - she's number 8 on the rankings in our age group, and she's the kind of girl who's kind of nervous and jumpy about everything, but she's pretty nice. She's looking up at me with big green eyes, her button nose wrinkled a littel, a blush illuminating her and making her numerous freckles more obvious, her mousy brown hair falling partially over her eyes, a tiny nervous smile on her lips. There was no avoiding her now, and so I turn all the way around, leaning half way on the lockers as I peer down at her. "That's my name. What'a'ya want?"

Jade fidgeted a little, seeming a little flustered by my tone, smiling widely and trying to appear calm, straightening ehrself up a little. "U-um... I just saw you run out and... and I thought...."

I feel a cruel smirk inch across my face, leaning forward so that my face was inches from her's, making her even more flustered so that she was only moving her mouth, no words escaping her glossy lips. I let my smile inch faurther across my face, brushing a hair away from her face and narrowing my eyes. "You thought... what?" I whisper. Her face grows pinker than before, and I know that the tone worked teh way I wanted it to.

"I just thought you might want someone to comfort you!" she said quickly, her face flushing out a little. She looks up to me, a slightly nervous yet kind of brave look on her face, green eyes glittering with hopefulness and bravery. I blink a little surprized by her sudden turn of heart - I had been expecting her to squirm and flee, since that's what most girls do when they're flirted with this way, but apparently not Jade.

I give her a smile, mostly because I'm surprized. "Oh really?" I ask, not removing our close proximity. Jade's flushed face regains a little color and she nods a little, shuffling her feet.

And then she does something surprizing. She leans forward and kisses me.

It's not particuarly spectacular. Just her lips against mine, timid and uncertain, soft and kind of sticky. I hesitate, shocked, and for one rason or another Matt's worried face slashes through my mind. I swat him away inwardly, cursing him silently - he was just a stranger. What did he matter? He didn't. I sh ouldn't feel guilty kissing girls if they liked me. And so, mostly out of resentment for someone else, and partially on instinct, I return the pressure in the kiss. I feel her shiver with excitement, but I really don't get much feeling out of the kiss except for the normal nerves as she worms closer to me, placing a tenative hand on my chest.

Ignoring the uncertain, uncomfortable tug in my chest I let my hands come around her shoulders, carefully holding her in my arms. Careful not to hurt her even in teh slightest, careful not to show any agression. Picturing my brother, picturing Matt, picturing my mother all at once, for no reasons that I can place. She smells like cheap purfume and tastes like cherries.

The kiss only lasts for a few seconds and Jade breaks the kiss, her face flushed, a giant grin on her face. She looks... amazed. Overjoyed. Greatful. Loving.

I want to hurl inside, because I know those feelings aren't mutual. And i feel suddenly like a total Triston, kissing a girl I didn't have feelings for. But what could I do now except smile at her, releasing my grip on her shoulders. I don't let my self-hate and uncertainty show, giving her the brightest smile possible. It seems to work, because she gushes nervously, "W-wow, uh... wow. Um. So... you'll go to the fling with me? Please?"

I wanted to say no. I didn't like this girl.

But i felt horrible. Jade was so nice, really, a cute girl. I had no reason to not give her a chance, especially after I kissed her and she clearly enjoyed it. It would be a total Triston thing to do. A tottaly cruel, evil thing to do. Too similar to the way my brother abused girls, loving them for one night and then ditching them the next day. Of course, what I did with this girl was a simple, forgiveable kiss. But none the less, my heart went out to her - I felt terrible. I couldn't just kiss and leave.

"Sure. Okay." I hear myself say.

Jade blushes with joy, her smile big and bright on her face. That almost makes it worth it, that happy look on her face. Maybe, I think, I could learn to like this girl. Maybe, even if I broke it off after the dance, we could be friends. Maybe we could make it work, for a little while, maybe I could turn around and make someone happy.

Matt's smile appeared in my mind again, only for a moment, dimples and honesty and all, eyes glittering as they did that day. The good feeling vanished.

"O-oh," Jade stammered after a second, blushing and scratching the back of her neck as she did. "B-but no obligation or anything. I mean, i-it's girl's choice, so obviosusly you siad yes but um... or I mean, if you dance with other people, because you know, it's girls choice, that's okay."

Her voice is so nervous and flustered I can't help but laugh a little. She looks a little humiliated for a second, but I pat her on the head. Pat her on the head like I always wished my mother would do for me, or my brother. Or anyone, atually. "Yeah, I know. Don't worry so much."

Jade smiles a shy little smile and fiddles with teh edge of her shirt, and I give her a nod. "Okay, well.... I'm going to get going, okay?" I say a bit awkwardly, eager to escape. She looks up at me with a startled expression, then nodded, understanding. Sighing with releif I spin and hurry away, letting my disbeleving horror show on my face now that nobody can see it. _What am I THINKING? I don't like this girl! What's wrong with me!? _I want to scream. Sure, I pitied Jade, and I liked her alright, but not like _that _at all. And why did Matt's face keep appearing in my mind? That guy didn't matter. Who cared about some random redhead you meet at a gasstation?

_A random redhead who understood you. A random redhead with a really nice, honest smile. A random redhead that made YOU smile. A random redhead who held you when you cried. A random redhead who worried about you even though he didn't know you. A random redhead who cared._

I banish the thoughts from my mind, hurrying my pace and racing into the bathroom. It's empty, thank goodness, and I hunch over the sink, staring into the mirror. The boy who stares at me wears a grimmace, and looks like he's going to be sick. The boy staring back at me has a long, red gash along the side of his neck, partially covered by blonde hair, that was slightly leaking blood. _How had i not noticed that before? _I couldn't picture as to why. It looked so obvious... I mean, even the ever unobservant Misa noticed it.

_You're going crazy. You're turning into your brother. And into Triston. And into your mother. You're worse than all of them._

That wasn't true. It couldn't be. I shook my head, rinsing off my face and drying it off with paper towels. No. Not true. It couldn't be.

I felt sick all of a sudden. I felt like my life was a gitant, whirlwind tornato, and i suddenly felt as frail as a stray peice of paper.

**A/N: Ummmm... meet Jade 8D... do you hate her yet? No? Well, you probobly shouldn't. **_**OR SHOULD YOU? **_**nanana.... well, I already know you hate that godforsaken brother of his. Gabe. D: that's a stupid name, too *shakefist***

**...I officoally have too much time on my hands.**

***ABOUT RYUKS APPEARENCE: In "Death Note: How To Read" book, it talks about how orrigonally he was going to be "a hansome dark haired man with wings" or something like that before they decided to go with unhuman. Since he's human in this, as is everyone else, I decided on just twisting that discription to fit Ryuk's personality a bit better and stuff : ) so... don't think I have a ryuk fetish or something cuz of my discrip. THEY SAID HANSOME ORIGONALLY DARNIT XDDDD**


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of school was - thankfully - uneventful.

Triston was making out with at least five diffrent girls between classes, which was disgusting, and suddenly I didn't feel quite as bad about the Jade thing. But on the other hand of that, Jade kept sending me loving gazes in class and in between class, which made me feel like a shithole. Halle kept ranting about Misa and Debbie. I got asked out by seven other girls, all of which i had to reject because of Jade. Which was kind of convenient, but also made me feel like shit all at once. A Jade finger puppet appeared on Near's desk in English Lit. I spied B and A making out in the janitors closet, which was nothing new. Light continued to sulk. L contiued to pretend not to sulk. Misa continued to be an idiot who didn't notice anything was wrong.

Nothing that diffrent from every day life, I guess.

What WAS diffrent was that i kept thinking of certain redheads. I'll give you three gueses as to who. I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Cat.

That's what I was doing right then, too, as I sat in computer class. I was fiddling around on microsoft word fonts, writing Matt over and over again. If anyone saw, I would just tell them it was the name of my new puppy or something lame - I was kind of beyond caring right then. Just thinking of the redhead made me feel awful. For one reason or another, whenever i replayed the memory of kissing Jade, it made me feel guilty towards _him. _Which was rediculous, right? Because _really. _That's rediculous for several reasons: 1) I don't like him 2) I'm not gay 3) I'm not dating him 4) i barely know him and 5) Jade is my date and HE was the random stranger, not the other way around.

"Hey. Freak."

I sigh, responding to the name out of habit, rolling my eyes to look up at Triston. He's in the seat directly behind me, smirking at me around the edge of his computer. "What do you want, Pretty-boy?" I ask, my tone bored. He narrows his eyes, obviously unhappy with my reaction.

"I hear you're going to the dance. With Jade," he tells me. I sigh. It was only a matter of time before it got aound, I supposed. "Is it true?"

I see a few people looking at us curiously, and I raise an eyebrow at him before replying, "Yeah, I am. She asked me. What's it to ya?"

A few dissapointed sighs come from the girls in front of me, which I ignore, staring boredly at Triston. I was so tierd of this subject, the spring fling I mean. it was starting to give me a headache.

"_So _I didn't know you liked her," Triston hissed, irritated. I frown at him.

"Well, surprizing as this may be, I don't tell people I hate who I like," I retorted, "And seeing as I hate you with a fiery passion, that would be why."

Triston's face twists in irritatino and he glares at me before slinking back behind his computer. I hear a few people snicker, but I don't have the energy to smirk about it. I simply go back to typing "Matt" over and over again on the screen in all different fonts, bored out of my mind. I still didn't know why I kept writing his name, but I couldn't stop now.

In effort to stop the train of mindless typing I open an internet page. is out of the room anyway, and I've already finsihed the stupid Mavis Beakon project, and so, like everyone else, I happily open up something else. I open up my email, logging in. I'm a little shocked to see that I have four emails, but then the shock fades. It was probobly just Halle. I quickly open all four in diffrent tabs - a habit from when my cputer was SUPER slow - and open each one, reading them quickly, replying to each one.

**Halle: Okay, so, this sounds so stupid, but I need help with my chemistry homework D8 do you think we could have a study date (no, not DATE like that, don't wrinkle your nose, asshole) on friday? Call Me #**(her number was here, but i'm not giving you that!) **There will be chocolate as a reward ;D**

**Reply Mello: Oh, study date, no way, I'm too bu-- CHOCOLATE? OF COURSE I WILL COME! ...that was sarcasum. I'd probobly go anyway. Friday? What time? **

**L: Light-kun made me make an email account. So, hello, Mello. I am emailing you. Is that sufficiant, Light-kun? **

**Reply Mello: 1) Light, your an idiot 2) HI L : ) and 3) r u and Light still fighting? Not to pry or anything...'**

**Halle: TT_TT is so boring! So i'm emailing you in class :) LOL!**

**Reply Mello: ditto. **

**ReplyReply Halle: ;D**

**ReplyReplyReply Mello: i feel so cool now *eyeroll***

**ReplyReplyReplyReply Halle: : ) It's because you're with me, darling. **

I roll my eyes and close the conversation with Halle, giving her a look from across teh room. She gives me a cheshire cat grin, and i roll my eyes again, opening the last email. I'm surprized to find that it's from an unknown sender. I almost delete it, but hey, if i was going to get a viris on a computer, it could be the school's, right? So i open it.

I almost faint when I read it.

**You've_Got_Mail_34: **

**Okay, you're going to think I'm a stalker for sure. Almost indefinately. But I'm going to email you anyway, so I wont go around in a huge cloud of self-hate all day. Ignore it if you want to. ^^;**

**If you didn't guess from the username, this is Matt. Yeah, that Matt. The one you met at the gas station? That one. I know you didn't give me your email - I looked you up. You'd be surprized to find that there are only a few Mihael Kheels other than you, and you were the only one with a long, depressing old blog. I didn't read anything but the last entry, don't freak out or anything, but I saw the picture and the email below it and figured it had to be you. (If it isn't, i'm going to die. Just fyi.) **

**So... the reason I'm emailing you is to apologize. For a few things. **

**First, sorry for assuming you were gay when you weren't. : ( I really just kind of assumed. Mostly just because I thought you were cute ^^: sorry. I wont hit on you or anything, i swear, kay? But um... I just wanted to say sorry. Because i could tell it made you upset, even if it wasn't the full reason. Also, I'm sorry if i creeped you out when I hugged you. I couldn't help it - you were crying and trembling and looking like some fallen angel or something, I just.... wanted to make it better, okay? So sorry if that freaked you out our scared you away. And um... sorry for prying about your personal life, too. Because that was kind of not necissary. : ( Oh, and lastly, sorry for emailing you. Because you never gave me permission, so really, I'm kind of a stalker XD.... D':**

**And I hope your okay. I didn't say anything then, but you looked pretty beaten up when you showed up. Like some badass fallen angel or something. That's a stupid metafor, but that's the first thing that came to mind when I saw you pull in on the motorcycle, so... ^^;**

**So... just wanted to let you know that. Even if I am a stalker.**

**Reply if you're not creeped out or whatever, at least just to let me know your okay. Call me an idiot, but it's been bothering me. Never email me again if you wan't, just let me know your okay, ok? Please? I won't even reply if you ask me not to. Really.**

**-Matt**

"Mello. Mello, class is over."

My head snapped up and i looked up at Halle, who was currently standing over me with an annoyed expression on her face. I was freaking out, heart pounding in my chest, and i quickly closed the emiail and turned off the computer, this time ignoring the painful, dying noise that it made as i hurried out of my seat.

"Who's Matt?" Halle asked, obviously having seen the microsoft word document. "And are you really dating Jade?"

I shake my head and keep walking, Halle hurrying after me. I couldn't beleive it. He had _emailed me_. Everything about teh email had been perfect - it was worried, honest, sad, friendly. Perhapts a little stalkerish, but at least he acknowlaged it. I wanted to reply. I did. But if I did, what was i even going to do? I had Jade. I mean, it wasn't like he was asking me to go out with him, but.... somehow, I felt like seeing him again would interefere with that. I didn't want more drama. Anyting to get away from more drama.

"Yeah, I'm dating Jade. She asked me after lunch," I explain, avoiding the first question altogether. Halle's face twisted into a concerned expression, but I smiled at her. "She's nice, it's okay."

Speak of the devil, Jade suddenly appeared, a huge smile on her face, waving her hand in hyperactive motion. I gave Halle an apologetic smile and she rolled her eyes, stalking away. I would explain everything to her later, I tell myself, but i doubt I'll ever have the chance.

"Mello! Hey!" Jade calls, springing up to stand beside me. She's bouncing up and down, like she has to go to the bathroom or something. I smirk at her, raising an eyebrow, and she stops bouncing. I realize then that she has earbuds in her ears - she's lisening to music. Which would also explain why she speaks a little too loudly as she chirps, "So um, I'm sorry if you didn't want everyone knowing about our date. I told Kerry and it just kinda... got out..."

I blink in surprize at her apology. "Why would I be upset if it's true? We're going on a date, aren't we?" I ask, a little taken aback. It wasn't that i wanted to date her, but I wasn't one to deny something if it was true.

Her blush levels up to a full out red color. "O-oh, yeah, but I wasn't sure. I mean, you _are _number one on the, er, hottie list, and I was just... I dunno. FOrget i said anything." She gave me a queasy litle smile, stumbling over her words. "O-okay?" I raise my eyebrows, suddenly remembering something - of course. She was the nervous little girl who had dated Triston for about two days... while he was also dating four other girls. I didn't remember becuase she had dyed her hair blonde before this - uness of course this brownish-red wasn't her natural color, but it matched her eyebows now... I shrug off hte thought, walking along with her. I feel bad for her, putting up with Tristons bullshit, but also a little offended - did she think I was just another Triston?

My suspicions only heighten when Kerry and Ava, some of her friends i guess, run up to us, squealing and grinning at us. "Oh my GOSSHHHH, the rumors are TRUE!" Kerry cried, throwing her arms around Jade, who's blush is suddenly on her entire face and not just her cheeks, and tehn, to my great surprize, turned and threw her arms around me, too, squeezing the breath out of me. I almost die right there - oh my god, how did end up with one of my fangirl's best friends? _What am i thinking!?_

"You're seriously dating Mello... wow." Ava said, a little more disbeleving and suspicious than Katy had been, her amber eyes narrowing. I remember Ava - she's kind of a bitch, even to her friends. I shoot her a pointed look before plasering my best smile on my face, looking at Kerry and Jade.

"Yep, we're going to the fling together," I replied honestly, smirking a little when Kerry squealed again. Jade's just blushing the entire time. I suddenly have this unnerving sense that I have to prove myself - not just that I'm dating Jade in particular, but that I'm dating a _girl._ All i can hear, all of a sudden, is my brother's voice. _"I bet you enjoyed that, you little fag. You sick fag."_

"Wow, well, that's really nice," Ava says dryly, narrowing her eyes just slightly. Kerry looks too thrilled notice Ava's sarcastic tone, jumping up and down. Then Ava sneered, "This is even better than when you dated Triston. You upscaled, Jadey."

Jade froze, her face flushing out, and she gave me a worried gaze, as if hoping I hadn't heard her. I _had _heard her, and it made me angry. Was that really how Jade thought of me? I did't htink so. I mean, really, i guess it wasn't any better than I thought of her - just a girl who liked me, nobody special in the 'love' or 'dating' ranking. But the idea unnerved me. But because I had to prove myself, i barked out a laugh, startling Ava. "You dated TRISTON?" i cry, then throw my arm around Jade's shoulders, hugging me to my side. "You poor doll. I eternally feel sorry for you."

Jade flashes a thrilled smile, obviously not catching that I was annoyed for a few seconds there, hugging me back. "You should, he was an ass," she gushes. When she thinks I'm not looking, she exchanges an 'oh yeah, aren't i the shit?' look with Ava, who scowls at her. I break the hug, the fake, sparkling white smile still painted on my face. I wnoder if they notice it doesn't reach my eyes as they scramble away, giggling adn talking to each other, towards the busses. I wonder if they notice I'm not really happy.

I guess they wouldn't though. I'm not really happy very often at all.

**A/N: This chapter was LAME FILLER OF SHIT. T__________T ffff. **


	6. Chapter 6

**To: Youve_Got_Mail_34**

**From: Mello-not-Yellow-801**

**Dear Matt,**

. . .

I stare at the screen, the blinking little typing-line flashing endlessly, taunting me. I don't know what to write. I have no idea how I'm suppose to reply. I crack my knuckles anxiously, taking another hungry bite of my chocolate. For once, it doesn't calm me down.

Sighing anxiously I lean forward at the desk, tapping my fingers aimlessly across the keys. What was i suppose to say? Matt's email had seemed so easy, so obvious, so perfect. So _natural._

I guess that's one of the benifits of wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I clear my throat and try again.

**To: Youve_Got_Mail_34**

**From: Mello-not-Yellow-801**

**Hey. It's Mello. I mean, obviously. So. You seriously googled me, huh? Ha. I never thought of that but**

No. No no no. That was wrong. I select teh message and slam my finger down on the 'delete' button. The blnking cursor is still taunting me.

I throw my head back and look backwards at teh lady at the coffee station. I'm in an Internet Cafe, which is one of my favorite places because it literally has a cafe in it - you can get coffee AND use the internet. I could live in this place for days.

Which is what I intended to do. Or at least for tonight. There was no way I was going home, not today. I was stressed out enough.

Cracking my kunckles again, I lean forward and stare at the blank email. It's driving me mad - I'm terrible at writing emails. I'm alot better in person, or at least when I only have to write a few things.

Which reminded me suddenly - of course. I could stalk him, too.

I'm not sure why it came to me, but i pulled up google and typed in "mail jeevas." Of course, there weren't very many results, but I found him easily - he was the fist thing, a livejournal blog. I smiled a little - it was the same site I used for the old depressing blog i used to write. I still write in it from time to time but never about my family, usually just about things that happen in school. When i open his, though, I find that alot of people read his blog.

I read his biography, which is actually pretty humorous, at lesat to me, and a smile spreads across my face. **The name's Mail Jeevas, but that's a rediculous name, so call me Matt. Because that's just clearly more awesome, right? No more info for you though, becuase you could be a stalker. Even though there will be pleanty of details in this blog... so if you want to stalk me, you know, you'll have to read it. ;D Have fun with yet another boring teenage blog. Hoo-rah!**

I can't help it. I turn and read his latest entry, unable to help myself. As soon as I do though, my humourous mood is replaced by an unfirmiliar one.

**Stalking Fallen Angels**

**Mood: Lovesick **

**Location: Internet Cafe of Doom **

**Eating: My own HEART D: Naw naw, JK, i'm eating M&Ms **

**Drinking: Blood. T_T (lol or orange juice).**

**Music: Beleiveres Never Die (FOB Album) on repeat over and over. Again.**

**At risk of sounding like a corny romance novel writer, I have to tell you this. I met an angel today.**

**No, he wasn't really an angel. That would have scared me, actually. No, he was... not an angel exactly. I was at the gas station, grabbing some ciggerettes to rot my lungs and whatnot, when I saw him outside. **

**Honsetly, at first I thought he was a girl at first. He pulled up in a motorcycle, and when i first saw it I thought it would be some rugged kind of person. But tehn the helmet came off, and there was... this perfect person. Not perfect, exactly - long haired, blonde, ice blue eyes, flawless skin, slender. What I would imagine an angel to be.**

**Ha. An angel/motorcycle babe. That's a new combo. **

**But it wasn't just his looks. There's something about that guy, he's kind of spooky. Like, not haunted house spooky. He's like, say, you wake up from a really good dream and you can't remember what it was, and then the dream shows up outside your local gas station? That kind of spooky. **

**The thing was, he looked really... sad. Not just kinda grumpy****, ****I mean full-out miserable. I couldn't really guess it at first - he came stalking into the gas station like a supermodel kind of walk, and I could tell he was used to people fawning over him. He had a really ferice look on his face, like Tyra banks or something (sorry for comparing you to tyra banks, angel boy! I know your a guy!) and get this - all he bought was chocolate. Like, five whoel chocolate bars. And then he left. And I expeceted him to just hit the road, but he didn't - he stopped and sat down on the bench. **

**From my place oh-so cleverly hidden behind the Cheeto's shelf I noticed the misery. It flickered through his eyes every so often as he ate that chocolate in an extremely appeasing way. I'm not sure how to explain how i knew - he just looked... lonely.**

**So, like any decent, kind, sort-of-stalkerish person would do, I came out of my hiding spot behind a bag of chips, went outside, and sat beside him. Ha. You should have seen his face when I sat down - he looked like I had just slapped his ass and called him a hot mess instead of just sat on the bench beside him, tottaly ready to smack me up the face. It was a little nerve racking, but he relaxed soon and just sorta sat there.**

**I won't go into detail, because I'm sure my lovesick drawling will bore the daylights out of you. But it was kind of amazing. Just sitting there, silently looking at the clouds. We talked some, too, but mostly we sat there. Just kind of.. being there. We kept shooting side glances at each other, trying to figure each other out. Like I said, he was pretty much a badass angel. **

**But this is where it gets really blog-worthy. I was talking to him, and I... kinda screwed up. : ( I'm an idiot. See, he was confessing that he had a shitty home life. ANd i was feeling kind of sympathedic, and I thought, hey, maybe he's like me! So i asked the stupidest thing possible. Something along the lines of 'is it cuz ur gay?' **

**You know what he said? He's not gay. He looked **_**horrified.**_** I almost died, right then and there, to be sent to the fiery depths of fag-hell. (Yeah right, mom, as iff there's a fag hell, but nice try, though.) I appologized, and he just said "yeah." He didn't look mad at me though, and we went back to staring at the clouds and all, you know? But then, while I was doing that and mentally hating myself, he suddenly starts **_**trembling**_** beside me. And then he started crying.**

**This sounds like a tottaly creepy thing to say, but.... he was really beautiful when he cried. When I cry, i get all snotty and gross, but he... he just had tears sliding down his cheeks, not a single sob or anythig, just... tears. Just water. And when he was crying and trembling I had this overwhelming urge to comfort him or whatever. And i tried, too, without actually touching him, but that didn't work at all. I tottaly thought it was my fault, but he kept shaking his head like it wasn't my fault. But he kept trembling, like he was being attacked by something, not even really seeming to see me. And by then eh was full out crying.**

**What would you have done? **

**Well, sir touchy-feely (me) thought brilliantly of hugging him. And it worked, actually. I hugged him really close, and i noted that he smelt like chocolate and honey-scented shampoo. I only hugged him a little, and was whispering that it was okay and stuff, you know? But what got me alot was that he hugged me back and practically crawled into my lap. it was really sad. :'( i could tell he was really, really upset by something. And i'm not sure if it was my fault or not, but he was really... really sobbing. **

**I guess you had to be there to understand how terrifying tht was for me. I wasn't sure why, but I wanted to help him. **

**But of coures I culdn't. And once he calmed down he kind... freaked a little, I guess. He got all sad and serious, and then he left. I don't even want to go into the details. He left me standing there int eh parking lot, stumbling over my words. Ha. I'm an idiot. I almost... almost asked him if he needed a place to stay. Wow. After i call him GAY i was about to invite him to stay with me. I'm an IDIOT. Idiot idiot idiot.**

**Anyway, he left. And i ahven't seen him.**

**But I kinda...googled him.**

**Yeah, i know, i know, i shouldn't be stalking fallen angels. I won't tell you his name, nor the fake name he gave me (yeah, he has a fake name too. isn't that cute? 8'D... i'm stupid DX) becuase then you might find him and stalk him, too. And.... you know, I'm the only one allowed to do that. =_=**

**So, like the stalker that I am, i goggled him and found his blog. **

**He hasn't updated it in a while. It's a livejournal, like mine. :( It was really beautiful, actualy. I only read the first entry - i didn't want to become more of a stklaer than i already was - and I pretty much sat there staring at his profile picture for about five muinates. That sounds SO creepy, but... well, it's what i did. **

**Even his profile picture looked a little lonely. I wished I could keep the smile he gave me instead. He has a really nice smile. : ( I guess i'll just keep it in my mind...**

**I had resolved myself in a strong will. I told myself "i will stop worrying about this angel. even if he is the most incredible, beautiful, interesting boy in the world, it doesn't matter, because he is a STRANGER. And i will NOT worry about strangers, because i am NOT A STALKER." **

**But as i was resolving this not-a-stalker resolution, I kinda... well, i kinda stumbled across his email. TT_TT;**

**And really, i was just worried about him. And i wanted to appologize. I felt like a shithole for not being able to help him u know?**

**So I sorta...emailed him. _**

**(no, i will not give you his email, do not ask.)**

**o////o I feel like a stalker now. Woe is me. **

**I hope he replies. he doesn't even have to reply KINDLY. Even if he emails me to tell me to fuck off, I just... I just want to know he's okay. It's like in one of those cheesy romance novels, when people immdiately fall in love with someon at first sight and want to do everything for them? That's what i feel like.**

**It's like fuckin' twilight. Only I don't sparkle. (he might, though, a little. jk. XD). Oh, and the love isn't mutual. And he's not a boring mary-sue. And I'm not an emotionless craphole. And--**

**Okay, so it's not Twilight. But Seriously. I dunno if i'm just a desprate stalker peice of shit, but... : ( he's my newest addiction, along with my PSP and cigerettes. And he might beat those.**

**....**

**it just occored to me that he might find this blog. D: Uhh... if so, he's probobly NOT emailing me back. *OTL* I'm such a stalker :'( I should just give up and go out with a girl (NOT).**

**Anyway... if he is reading this, then I'd just like to say this - Sorry for bothering you. Seriously. D: I'm not a stalker. I'm just... worried about you. And if you're tottaly disterbed by this, feel free to comment and tell me to delete it. Cuz I will.**

**So here's my question for my readers this week:**

**What do you do when you have an undeniable, practically magnetic attraction to a complete stranger? **

**I hope you find your own angel, dear readers, and I hope they're actually on your team. : ) And please, please, please take my advice - if you see a fallen angel? Make sure you don't let them drive away. You'll only end up missing them, undeniably and unbearably. **

**Peace Out,**

**M**

It takes me about fifteen muinates to do anything but stare at the blog post after i finish it, at the last letter M. My heart had stopped beating several times durring that blogpost. I'm fairly sure my face was pink with blush, and someone was looking at me and more than likely thinking I was looking at porn. But i didn't see her, becuase I was blind. Blind to everything except the blog post and the profile picture on the screen. Just Matt, with a dorky little peace sign, goggles and all, a huge, honest grin on his face.

I wanted to cry. Not from sadness or fear or depression or overwhelming feelings or pain for once. I wanted to cry happy tears. I couldn't explain the feeling. The feeling was....

It was being loved, I realized vaugely. I hadn't eflt it bfore, being loved. It wasn't the same as the flirty "love" my classmates showed me, or the fake love my mom showed me when she was half-sober, or even the kiss from Jade.

This felt good.

Quickly, before i could talk myself out of it, I click the "message this person" button. I was kind of half-hoping he wouldn't be on, in teh back of my head, but of course he was.

I typed quickly, my heard pouding.

**Mello: Hey look. I googled u, too. It's amazing how easily people can stalk other people... i read the blog.**

For a long, panicky moment that i want for his reply, I'm tempted to close the window and flee the cafe. But then there's a little "ping!" and a reply appears.

**Matt: omg. you read it. **

**Mello: yep. T///T**

**Matt: ...**

I take a deep breath before replying, taking another bite of my chocolate.

**Mello: I admit I'm a little flattered. T///T**

**Matt: ...rly?**

**Mello: Yarly. But you do understand right**

**Matt: ???**

**Mello: That I can't return the feelings, I mean. **

**Mello: i'm not gay.**

**Mello: ....Matt?**

I blink. He's not replying. Immediately, i feel guilty, taking noather snap of chocolate before replying agian.

**Mello: Matt, come on, I know your there, it shows it. :( Plz don't be mad me...**

**Matt: OMG im so sry**

Instant releif.

**Matt: ///// I tottaly understand. I only stopped typing because I dropped my coffee like the total klutz that I am. **

**Mello: teehee XD**

**Matt: ...so um. I get that your not... gay. But uh. Is it okay?**

**Mello: ...?**

**Matt: That i like u. _' I mean... I just dont want it to b awkward. But i can't just stop liking u.**

**Mello: Why not?**

**Mello: Nonono don't awnser that!**

**Matt: Because I just can't! I dunno! I alread tried TT_TT**

**Matt: oh. /////**

**Mello: That was just a snap reaction, I'm sry. It's ok. Rly.**

That wasn't a lie. It was okay. More than okay. For one reason or another.. I was happy about it. I couldn't explain it, but.. it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

God, I'm such a messed up person.

**Matt: Oh, good. *sigh of releif***

**Mello: LOL XD'**

**Matt: Ha. Sorry i stalked u ^^;**

**Mello: Hey, i googled u, too. T_T'**

**Matt: True that.**

**Mello: Ha. We can stalk each other.**

**Matt: o///////o**

**Mello: ....**

**Matt: XD**

**Mello: Awkward smily faces of awkard. Ok, next topic. What exactly... do u WANT anyway?**

**Matt: WANT - to smother you in hugs and kisses. CAN LIVE WITH - being friends with u.**

**Mello: O///////O!!**

**Matt: It's the truth DX**

**Mello: i'm smirking right now. just fyi. XD**

**Matt: ....we can be friends, right?**

**Mello: No.**

**Matt: D:**

**Mello: I'm kidding, asshole. XD**

**Matt: :D**

**Mello: *eyeroll***

**Matt: Ha.**

**Mello: So. Wassup? XD Other than your apparent undying love?**

**Matt: D: Mean!**

**Mello: I try :)**

**Matt: drinking cofee which is very exellent. a little pissed that the stupid lady at the counter gave me whip cream when i clearly asked for none. elated b/c you replied. happy cuz i'm happily avoiding my mother in the net cafe ;D**

**Mello: .....net cafe?**

**Matt: O3O ya?**

**Mello: ....**

I glance up and scan the room. No fucking way.

**Matt: wat?**

**Mello: you ARE a stalker!!**

**Matt: OMG WAT?!?? D:**

**Mello: THREE.... TWO..... ONE....**

**Matt: !???**

I smirk and jump away from my computer, sauntering to the other side of he cafe. Sure enough, the tuft of red hair i see peeking over the edge of the computer across the room belongs to, well, who else? I sneak around the table, smirking at him.

He doesn't see me, tottaly engrossed in the screen. His eyes are wide and confused behind the goggles, a bag of M&Ms beside him, a slight blush on his cheeks. He looks a little distresed and confused, typing frantically at the keyboard.

I tiptoe behind him, sliding so that he doesn't see me until it's too late and i pounce, tackling him out of the chair and making him yelp like a little girl, sening us both tumbling to the ground. I laugh manically dispite himself as he yells and struggles. He doesn't realize it's me until I'm sitting on his legs on my knees, pressing my hands on his shoulders to hold him down.

HIs eyes are huge behidn his goggles, a blush fleeting across his cheeks in surprize. I smirk. "Fancy meeting you here, Matt."

Matt blinks at me in surprize, blushing. After a second of appaerntly letting it sink in he grins at me. "MELLO!" he cried, looking completely and utterly overjoyed, like a puppy excitied that it's master came home to feed it. I raise an eyebrow at him.

"No shit, sherlock," i tease, jumping off of him quickly. The internet cafe lady is glaring at us, shhhing us angrily. I ignore her, grinning at Matt. I can't quite explain it, but i'm pretty overjoyed to see him, too. There's something firmiliar and comforting about him being beside me, even though i'd only met him once before. I was strangely happier to see him than i had ever been to see Halle or even L.

"So cruel...." Matt sniffs jokingly, getting up off the floor and dusting off his shirt. He's wearing stripes again, though the jacket has vanished - does he wear stripes every day, i wonder?

"Get uesd to it," I tell him honeslty. "I'm a giant bitch."

Matt laughs at this for a second, then stops and frowns. "Did you just call yourself a _bitch_?"

I flinch. Oh. Oopsie. Had to tone down the "gaydar" inhancers. I wasn't gay, i wasn't gay i wasn't gay! But of course, Matt would pick up every single hint, since apparently he was sporting rainbows in the background.

Then i roll my eyes, smirking. "Don't get your hopes up, man - I have a girlfriend." I remember Jade and am momentarily thankful for her prescence, though I feel a little guilty since it caused Matt's face to fall a little, a tiny spark of sadness in his eyes through the goggles. It kind of irrittated me that I couldn't see his eyes.

"Really?" He asks, sitting down and signing off the computer. I nod, peeking over his shoulder. I'm a little uneasy to see that he was on my blog behind the chat, but I can see that he hadn't gone past the latest entry. What was that entry about, anyway? I couldn't remember. "What's her name?"

I paused, giving him a faux-suspicous eye-narrow. "If i tell you, will i find her assasinated tomorow?"

Matt laughed. "You have my word, nobody's girlfirned will be assasinated unless you ask me to."

_Unless you ask me to? _I laugh a little at this, shaking my head. It feels like we've known each other for ages all of a sudden. I don't feel self concious talking to him, somehow, even though this is -on-Mello. At least he liked the _real _me, and not the popular, anti-bully, ace-student, hottie-list Mello. Something about that made me happy.

"Her name's Jade..." I tell him. I'm a little surprized with myself - my tone sounds bored and a bit resentful. I shouldn't be acting like she was just nobody, but.. she kind of _was._ It hurt inside that I felt that way. I felt like a jerk.

Matt seems to notice, raising an eyebrow. "Bitchy?"

"No, the opposite. She's crazy about me," I reply honestly, shaking my head ad heading out the door. Somehow I know he'll just follow me without checking.

"So she's clingy?" Matt asked as he fell into pace with me.

I set my jaw, glaring at him a little. "Why do you assume she's a bad girlfriend?" i hiss, and he flinches, lookng a little frightened, like a kicked pupppy or something.

He shrugs after a second, looking at his feet. "I don't know. Just the way you said it's all," he mumbled, kicking a stone as we walk down the sidewalk. I immediately feel a little bad for snapping at him - he obviously hadn't meant badly by it.

Still, I can't take it back - Matt can't be allowed to have any hope that I'll return his feelings. I have to cut them off at the sorce and make him stop liking me. Because I was not gay. And that was not acceptable. I am not gay, because i did NOT enjoy buttsex. I would know - it's the only kind of sex i'd had. If you could even call it sex at that point, more like rape. But it was painful. I hated it. And my brother.

Even if i wasn't really into girls, either.

"Sorry," Matt appologizes again, giving me a sheepish little smile. I feel a tiny little flutter to through me, immediately feeling bad for being a jerk. I huff and shrug a little, picking up my speed and going into full-strut. Matt wastes no time jogging to keep up with me.

"It's fine," I mutter, shrugging my shoulders. "I guess she's a _little _clingy... but she's nice, and I like her. So we're going together, to the stupid school dance..." The words are a little forced, becuase it's kind of a lie - not the niceness, but the 'like her' part. Matt doesn't seem to notice, a tiny flicker of resentment going through his eyes before the smile returns to his face.

"That's great, Mells," he said warmly, smacking me in a joking way in the shoulder. I flinch a little, even though I know the touch is friendly, but punch him in the gut to make up for the whimpy reaction.

Suddenly Matt stops in front of a GameStop, wincing as he looked up at it. I frown at him, a huge queston mark in my mind, and he looks at his phone. Cursing, he closes t and looks at me with worried eyes. "I've gotta go. I work here."

"Oh." I'm surprized at how dissapointed I sounded.

Matt looks flustered, scratching the back of his head and giving me a nervous litle smile. For some rsaon the smile makes me want to hug him and make it better, since he looks so uncertain. Taking a breath he quickly stammers, "U-uh, I can see you again, right? I mean... er, I can drive you back from school or something. Where do you go? To school?"

I pause, sucking in a sharp inhale. He looks at me uncertainly, obviously picking up how awkward I am. The idea of him picking me up after school was actually pretty happy-making, a happy sort of idea. But that also meant that he'd probobly be driving me all the way home... which might be good too. At least then I would be able to hold on to his face when my brother showed up.

The thought was also disterbing. Why did i think of _that? _

Matt's staring at me with a queasy, hopeful little smile, and i sigh. I can't say no to that. "Fine, fine. Pick me up and we'll get dinner or something," I allow, and a huge smile appears on his face, practically radiating joy. "I go to Wammys."

His eyes widen. "The Insitute for Gifted Children?" he asks, shocked. I shrug, blushing a tiny bit. For some resaon I'm embaressed by my smarts out of no where. But to my surprize his face falls a little, some resentment in his eyes, but not aimed at me. "I got invited to go there, but I couldn't pay the tuition. My mom won't pay for anything for me anymore."

I blink. "You got invited?" He nodded, blushing a little, and I shake my head in disbeleif. It was extremely rare to be _invited - _as far as I knew, only Near, L, and I were invited, everyone else signed up. He must be smarter than i gave him credit for. "Wow. You really couldn't pay the tuition?"

"My mom won't pay for a damn thing anymore, not even half a cent," Matt practically spat, and i flinched at his anry tone, surprized by teh hate in his voice. Seeming to sense my distress, he smiled sadly at me. "Sorry. It's because I'm gay. She found out and she pretty much hates me now."

"Oh. That's..."

"Yeah. I take care of her too." I give him a look, and he clarafies, "She's sick. Constant migranes."

I look at my feet, immediately sympatehdic. "Oh." I hadn't really realized that he could have a bad home life, too.

"It's fine. I have my own apartment now," he tells me, giving me a bright smile. I immediately feel sick - he's so optomisitic. _Why can't I be like that?_ To my surprize he reaches out and hugs me tight, making me flinch. The hug is a quick one, but it's not a man hug, more like an embrace. I don't even have the chance to decide weather or not I want to return the hug, because he moves away almost immediately, smiling a little nervously before hurrying back into GameStop.

I stare at him as he runs away, a certain little spunk in his step. I can tell he's happy, and I also know that it's because of me. Something about that makes me really happy. So as I stand there, frozen like a statue on teh sidewalk, I'm smiling. Watching Matt scamper in and bow and apologize to a tall man who must be his boss. Watching him hurry over to the desk and quckly releive a freckled girl from her post. See him grinning like an overjoyed schoolgirl and leaning over the desk, chatting away with some very, very gay looking guy who apparently also worked there. I smiled, unable to stop myself from watching him, until he looked up from his computer with big surprized eyes. I erased my smiel quickly and spun on m heel, hurrying away towards my motorcycle.

**A/N: My favorite part was the Mello-glomp XD don't u just LOVE Matt's long, cheesy Mello-obsessed blog post? XDDDDDD LOLS!!! **

**....i'm sure you hate me by now XD'**


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up with a horrible feeling.

It hadn't been a good night. I'd arrived home with a big grin on my face, momentarily forgetting how shittastic my family life was. At least, until my brother ambushed me in my bedroom. Then i remembered all too well.

I woke up with a horrible pain through my entire body. My head was throbbing, my abused bottom reigon in immense pain, blood staining my sheets from the night before. My wrists are bruised, my legs slightly wounded from where his weight had been, my thighs burning. I was in so much pain, I almost didn't get up that morning.

But i had to go to school.

And so i dragged myself out of bed and, grabbing up a pile of clothes and retreating into the bathroom. I'm hobbling a little because of the pain in my rear, but I try my best to keep my posture straight. If i hobble at school, people will definately be suspicious, but what can i do? Gabe had been especially cruel last night, apparently, because when I go to the bathroom, the pain is even more excruciating than usual. The toilet's contents are stained red, as is the toilet seat. I struggle to clean myself up before pulling on my breifs and slightly loose black pants and white Vampire Weekend t-shirt, which has a logo so faded you can only read it if you squint. I pray that the blood will stop, so that there's no blood stain on my pants - that would be kind of hard to explain.

I sigh and brush my teeth frantically. The taste in my mouth in awful - Gabe is a cruel man. It's kind of sad that I can give a blow job better than anyone else in the school now, and all because of him. Sickening. But what can I do? It's that or he beats te shit out of me, and I wouldn't stand for that.

At lesat I wasn't a girl. At least I couldn't get pregnant. At least I wouldn't bring an innocent into the world.

With this thought I struggle my way out the door, hurrying down the sidewalk. I'm still limping a little bit, but I try to pull it together and tough it out. I've had worse. There were days when he'd tie me to the bed and I'd miss school because of it, on his angry days. At least this time he didn't tie me down. At least this time he stopped after the third time last night. At least this time my mom didn't come in afterwards and scowl at me.

My 'at leasts' aren't really that impressive, but they somehow make me feel a tiny bit better.

I reach school right on time for once - I'm usually early, but it was slow going this time. I'm a little surprized to find Jade waiting at my locker, her smile bright. I had almost forgotten her.

"Hey," I greet her casually, managing to keep my walk to a non-hobble as i approach. Jade doesn't notice anything wrong, giving me a bright-eyed bushy-tailed look.

"Hey!" she chirped, moving away from my locker to let me open it. "I'm so excited for the dance, you know. It's on Friday." Her voice is gushing, and i think if it were soild it would be the sickeningly-thick sweetness of honey. I nod in agreement even though I don't really agree - i'm kind of dreading it, actually - and she surprizes me by hugging me. The sudden affection makes me wince, stumbling back slightly - partially because of surprize, and partialy because of the pain in my ass.

"Aha..." I chuckle half heartedly, carefully hugging her back and trying to regain my posture. It's hard - i'm trembling slightly. But she doesn't notice, beaming at me before skipping away to return to her awaiting giggle-gaggle of friends. I watch her go with slight distain, but the sight of her squealing with joy and appriciation makes me a little happy. Even though I'm not partiucarly attached to the girl, it made me kinda happy that she was happy, you know? I guess I'm just a nice person in that way. Kind of.

Opening up my locker I dump in my backpack, gathering my books into my arms and hurrying down the hallway to Geometry.

Near is already there when I arrive, and i fight to keep my posture straight, resisting the urdge to hobble because of the excruciating pain in my nehter regions. I'm throbbing as I finally slip into my seat, sighing a little in releif at the cold surface of the metal chair. Near looks at me curiously, the kids already filing in behind me, his gray eyes a little quesitoning. As if he was reading me like a book. I hated it when he did that, so i shot him an angry look. He ignored it, as usual.

comes in and starts class, but for once I'm only half paying attention. She's not talking about anything important, just going on and on about how we needed to raise money for the Spring Fling if we wanted to have a DJ. I dnd't really care for the subject of the fling, since that's pretty much all i heard about anymore, so I pretty much ignored it, doodling M&Ms on the margins of my notebook.

Finally, changes topics, and i take notes as usual. I'm jotting them down just as usual, and for a while it's just like normal. To the extent that I nearly forget my pain as the class ends adn everyone files out. Because of this, as I stand up normally, i stumble and fall into Near. The little albino surprizes me by shreiking as I grab his shoulder to steady myself, falling himself and sending us both falling to the hardwood floor. I hadn't realized before how unsteady he was, both of us on useless legs falling to the ground, me on top of him. I try to get off of him, but I stumble a little, the pain in my ass overwhelming. Near has an _actual expression_ on his face, eyes wide and horrified, screeching and trying to shove me off. I'm just struggling to roll off of him when suddenly a hand grabs me by the collar.

At first I panic, immediately thinking of my brother as the hand jerks me by teh shirt collar off of Near and to my feet, gagging me for a moment. I regain my balence and whip around to glare at whoever it is, to find that it's Gevanni. I'm a little surprized by the anger in his gray-blue eyes as he turns away from me, immediately swooping down and pulling Near up. I feel a little guilty, trying to regain my stance and a bit embaressed by the staring people around me as I turn to them. Near's clinging to his arm, slowly regainging his own poise, breathing harshly.

"Sorry," I appologize quickly, reaching out to possibly steady Near but instead only suceeding to stumble a little more. Gevanni gives me a look of surprize, blinking. I realize that he probobly thought that I had tackled him, and i smile queasily at him. "I er... fell."

Whispering errupts around in the classroom but I ignore it, giving the albino an appologetic smile. Hell with the fact that I hate him, I felt really bad - I was shocked that he was so unsteady that he couldn't hold me up when I stumbled. I'd always questioned the awkward little shuffle that he made as he walked, but i always figured he was just weird.

Near ignores my appology, eyeing me with his usual monotone expression, as if the screeching had never happened at all. "Why are you so unsteady today, Mihael?" I flinch and glower at the use of my real name - he knows full well that I hate that name. It's kind of subtle revenge, I figure. That was just Near's style.

I only shrug, unable to come up with a sufficiant awnser, and stalk away. I'm a littel surprized at how I can still manage my catwalk-stalk, even though the pain is excruciating as I do. The moment is over, that weird awkwardness, and I head for my next class, trying to forget the panic that was in Near's eyes. I don't wnat to feel bad for him. I don't want to wonder about his problems, because he's the one that I hate. But none the less...

None the less, that moment had happened. I couldn't deny it. SIghing, i slam my fist into somebodys locker, pausing to lean against it before heading for my next class. I'm a little out of breath thanks to the lovely Gabriel, but I try not to let it show, closing my eyes and trying to make it look like I'm just casually being cool by leaning on a locker. A few girls definately fall for it, pointing and gushing in my direction. I smirk a little - even with my ass bleeding girls squeal over me. If only they knew...

Knew what? I frown, thinking of Matt again. Knew that I had a gay guy friend? Big deal. I'm not even sure why that came to me anymore.

With a grunt of effort i push myself off from the locker and head for my next class, trying no banish Matt from my mind, forget about Near's emotional moment, and most of all, trying not to hobble.

***

Classes are over in a blur. Everything was basically the same as yesterday, except I was hobbling. By the time I make it to Lunch, I'm starting to think that I might die by the end of the day because of my ass-pain and the pure misery.

It doesn't get better as I sit down. L has returned to his spot beside Light, but the tension is practically crackling and making sparks in the air as i sink into my seat. They're arguing again.

"Death row is NECISSARY, L! Think of it this way - do _you _want to have a murder running around alive, huh?" Light ws aruging, throwing his hands around in a flurry of motions. L ate his cherry with a defiant look in his eyes.

"Two wrongs do not make a right, Light-kun," L replied simply, popping the cherry stem into his mouth. Light scowled, and he continued, shrugging, "Even children understand this fundemental. So why should we murder a murderer? Is that really the right thing to do?"

"It's justice," Light countered, taking a swig of his rootbeer and dislodging Misa from his arm as he did. The blonde looks confused, looking at them with an uncertain lok in her eyes as uasual. Beyond is grinning at them, obviously enjoying the debate, while A is hiding behind a murder mystery book. Matsuda looks interested, as if he were watching tv. Near and Gevanni look bored.

I sigh, lisetening to their debate with distain and trying to ignore the pain in my arse.

"Justice is killing people?" L countered, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "Is that what Light-kun thinks?"

"No, L, justice is giving people what they deserve," Light growled a bit violently, narrowing his eyes. "Justice is making things _fair._"

"Life isn't fair," L practically spat, startling me and the brunette. L almost never got actually angry about something, not that way. It was obvious this argument was bout something bigger than some death-row debate. Light's eyes flickered with resentment, turning and glaring at the raven haired man with a flicker of red in his eyes which was kind of scary.

"Maybe life would be _more _fair if there weren't so many horrible people in the world," Light hissed.

L narrowed his eyes, and suddenly the argument wasn't about death row anymore. "Are you suggesting suicide is okay, too, Light? Becuase I assure you that it is not the awnser to problems."

Light flinched, shuddering as if he'd been smacked. Misa and Matsuda just look confused, but nobody else misses the jab, and I hear A whimper a little.

"Some people _deserve _to die," Light growled, crumpling his napkin in his hand.

L's eyes flashed. "People are not perfect, Light, and you cannot expect perfection," he said in his monotounous voice, but nobody that knew L like I did missed the anger flaring in his pencil-gray orbs.

"EXACTLY!" Light screamed suddenly, throwing his hands up into the air and accidnely smacking Misa in the nose. The blonde squeaked, but Light ignored her, staring at L with his arms up in teh air, just staring at him. THe raven haired boy stares rght back, pencil-gray eyes huge. Nobody but me and them understand the conversation completely - or at least i kind of understand it... - but the tension in teh air is extreme. Both of them just stare at each other, like they're having their own private battle in their minds.

Suddenly A throws his thick book to the table with a bang, startling everyone out of their trances as he shouts, "CAN WE PLEASE JUST EAT OUR FOOD!??" His voice is unusually shrill, gray eyes swimming with anger and something similar to panic. Light puts his arms down, biting his lip guiltily - A had been suicidal for a long time, I remember now, and so it must have hit him hard, what Light said, even though he wasn't reffering to A. L looks down at his food, pickng at the food almost guiltily. B moves fast, reaching over and pulling A's hair. I blink in surprize at the violent movement, and A squeaks, looking over at B with big gray-blue eyes. I'm a litttle more than surprized when A smiles at him in responce, hugging him around the waist before returning to his food.

Their relationship is weird, but it still makes me a little jelous.

The rest of the meal is uneventful. We're all pretty quiet, ocasionally muttering about pointless things like homework or TV shows, but none of it seems important in my mind.

After lunch nothing really interesting happened until I headed for Health. I was a little anxious to go, because of my last experience as well as the possibility of a surprize physical exam. I'm half-hobbling down the hall, since there was nearly nobody in the hallway - everyone was always late for Health except for the tops (aka Light L and I) because didn't give a shit about students attendance records as long as you showed up in the first half of class.

I'm almost to the Health room when i hear the voices in the empty computer room.

I shouldn't have peeked. I should not have peeked. It was bad bad bad to evesdrop. It wasn't nice, especiallly when it involves your own lunch-table buddies. Reallly, I should just turn around and go to health and just leave the subject be. it was none of my business. I should ignore it and leave.

I peeked anyway.

I immediately wished I hadn't. Through the little window I could see L pressed against the chalkboard, Light's hands pinning his wrists to the wall, his face the picture of seriousness. L looks somewha frightened, which is new for him, his panda eyes swimming and serching for awnsers in Light's face. At first I assume the worst, ready to kick the door down and kick Light's dirty ass, But then Light whispers something I can't hear through the door, and L's face turns a shade of pink - _blushing._ I could hardly beleive it, covering my mouth with my hand to avoid any noise escaping. It's obvious at this point that Light isn't raping him or anything, but the sight's still rahter shocking, making it hard not to bust in and demand explaination.

The struggle not to react is even harder as Light creases his eyebrows, releasing L's wrists to slide his hands down L's arms and down to his waist, resting them there. The raven-haired boy's face is burning with blushes, his panda eyes wider than I'd ever seen them. Light says something else, which I also can't hear, scooting closer to the other boy, his legs brushing against L's. Whatever he said next must have been pretty convincing, because suddenly L lunged forward, crashing against the brunette boy. At fist I think he's escaping or fleeing, but instead he throw's Light to the wall ajacient to the one he'd been pinned to, pressing his lips on Lights.

This is the part where I should have looked away.

But i didn't.

Light's eyes are wide with surprize as L presses against him, his pale fingers tangling in brunette hair. After a second Light seems to relax, returning whatever kiss L is giving him. I feel my heart lurch watching them, disbeleving and - i won't deny it - a little jeolus again. A litttle too fascinated by the way they're now kissing, passionate and hasty. I wonder if they'd forgotten where tehy were.

I spin and run for the health room as soon as Light's tie comes off. I would have _no part _in this.

The two never arrive at Health. notices about half way through class and asks everyone if they'd seen them. Nobody had, except me, but I'M not saying anything. The teacher seems pretty unconcernred and doesn't even call te office though - more than likely bcause Light left an apple on his desk before going after L. Misa looks really worried through. I guess she has pretty good reason to be, too.

***

**Drabbes of Joy**

**Mood: Happy Dance!**

**Location: Work. Shhhhh!**

**Eating: M&Ms (again!)**

**Drinking: Nothing :( I'm thirst, too, whih fails. **

**Listening To: IDK some adam lambert song i think XD it's on the gamestop radio ;D**

**: ) HI PEOPLE! CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?**

**No, I did not "finally just give in and have sex with Leon" HappyTappy74. **

**No, I did not "get a new awesome car" i already HAVE one, BeeBee101010.**

**No I did not "have hot shower sex with Angel-Boy" (unfortunately), KrazyKaty11**

**and NO I did not "finally beat kingdom hearts for the millionth time" but i am getting there, SirAwesome33.**

**No, what happened to ME was this:**

**Okay, i was sitting there in the internet cafe "stalking fallen angels" and what not. eating orange juice, hoarding M&Ms and feeling like a total idiot for emailing the Angel, right? And i was throwing glares at this stupid coffee-lady employee girl at the Cafe, because she gave me frikkin WHIP CREAM on black coffee. (What a ditz, right?) So anyway I was ready to just get up and demand new coffee when suddenly i hear a "ping"**

**Now, usually I ignore my pings. As you lovely readers know, I cannot reply to all of you *shakehead* I can only reply to non-strangers**

**At least, unless this "non stranger" happens to be the angel boy.**

**Yeah, i know. **

**At first i was tottaly flippin' out, becuae if he's LIVEJOURNAL MESSAGING ME then clearly he has read my blog, right? And he told me he read the blog. And of course i was like:**

**"HE IS GOING TO THINK I'M A STALKER!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" *dumps coffee all over the place in crazy flails* "MY LIFE IS OVERRR!!!one!!11!!one!!"**

**My life was not over.**

**Apparnetly, he was flattered o//////o**

**However we had a very serious (and slightly heartbreaking) conversation about how he can't return my feelings. And just as he says that, I was sitting there staring at it. And i kind of alrady knew that, so i went to reply really quick so he wouldn't think i DIDN'T, and what do I do? I SPILL MY COFFEE EVERYWHERE. Literaly this time. As in there is now a GIANT COFFEE STAIN (with whip cream splotches) on the floor of my local internet cafe via. me. That looks a great deal like a smily face o.O So if you see this particular stain on the floor of your cafe... :C YOU STALKERS HAVE FOUND ME!**

**Good job!**

**But anyway as I'm frantically trying to get it off my pants (the pants wil not stain, thank zelda!) Angel is STILL REPLYING and i'm like "ohshit" because he's all "D8 dont b mad at me!" and i'm like NOOOOO *makes dive for keyboard and replys"**

**Ok so not THAT dramatic but that was surely one of the most dramatic moments in my life. Which is pretty sad, consitering I've gone through a lot worse things than THAT what with my mom and all. But i was more worried about HIM than my dying mother. Probobly because she's an evil WHORE, but still. XD But anyway he was like "oh good *sigh of releif*" And when he was i was all *awww, he cares (kinda)* **

**Anyway no more details of our lovely (and kinda awkward) conversation for you. ;D Sorry, darlings!**

**._. but you know what happened?**

**We ended up being in the SAME internet cafe. I was just sitting there having a conversation, and he was like "Wait... internet cafe?" and i was like "lolya, why? o.o" and he's all like "OMG U R A STALKER!!" and i was like what!? what!? nOOOO cuz i thought he found out something horrible that i did that i didnt know i did or osmething. (i haven't done anything horrible, as far as i know) but anyway i was sitting htere typing a milion "OMG WATS? WHAT? WAT? D: WHAT? EH? EH?EH?"'s on the messenger like a giant desprate douche when suddenly someone TACKLES ME to the ground.**

**Guess who?**

**Yep. Angel boy. **

**He's just SITTING ON ME with this big, crazy, maniac-grin on his face. And he has me**_** pinned. **_**As he is **_**sitting on top of me. **_**(You can imagine what that did for my poor hormones D:) But anyway he starts laughing and he's like "Fancy meeting you here" and so i pretty much melt *facepalm* I'm such a desprate romantic *shakehead* i need to stop seeing my new "friend" as adorable, huh?**

**DX it's hard though XD**

**Apparently he has a girlfriend.**

**Which sucks.**

**I'd tell you to go assasinate her for me, but unfortunately, i promised I wouldn't. And you know how i am about promises. *sigh***

**But anyway, half way through our "are you SURE shes not a shitty girlfriend?" hes all D8 and i suddenly feel really bad. Becuase you know, i should be fucking **_**glad **_**he has a girlfriend because i am **_**not **_**his boyfriend, or even POSSIBLE boyfriend, I am his FRIEND. So I have no right to act like he shouldn't date, you know? Cuz.... if it makes him happy, I should be happy too, right? Much as it kinda hurts, he's not mine. TwT *sigh***

**Anyway, I'm picking him up after school tomorow (insert happy dance here). I'm not sure what we're gonna do (he said dinner, but i mean WHERE) since i'm... broke D: Oh noes! Maybe I'll beg for a loan from Leon... ////// but you know how THAT would go! And I have even more reason not to "just give in" to his so called "charm" which he does not have. I dated him for two days, and that's enough for Matt, people.**

**I'll find a way. **

**(A way that does NOT involve prostitution T_T Before you say anything. Bakas.)**

**Anyway, I've gotta go actually do my job so I'll get a paycheck so I won't get kicked out of my apartment :C because if that happens, I'll be too busy begging on the streets to write this blog! Then what would you do with your free time? Something **_**productive? **_**THE HORROR.**

**....;D**

**Happy Dance!,**

**Matt**

**p.s. Question for the veiwers: Is it normal for straight guys to be okay with hanging out with flaming homosexuals? Flaming homosexuals that they KNOW are tottaly in luv with them? owo or is Angel-boy just really, really awesome and rarer than i thought? **

**COMMENTS**

**HappyTappy74: Awww, but we love prostitution! D: Haha, jk!!! Good luck w/Angel-boy, I want **_**deets **_**when your done! :C**

**Reply Matt: :C Nuuuu! And thanks ;D You shall get what u wish *geenie dance***

**JadeGreen231: He sounds so dreamy *shakefist* I'm jelous! *sad girly tears***

**Reply Matt: Don't be, sweetheart, he'd probobly be more interested in you *ORZ***

**Supergirl88: HUZZAH! ANGEL-BOY TACKLE! OF WIN! :D Does he srsly not know that tackling people like that is sorta.... dare i say **_**intimate? **_

**Reply Matt: Would've been, had he not been digging his knees into my hips and having his face thisclose from mine. OHHH, wait... T/////T' Yeah, i guess he's dense XD he's straight though (dammit) apparently so, i can't expect too much from him.**

**ReplyReply Supergirl88: Boo.**

**(See All Comments)**

I click out of the screen letting out an exhausted sigh. I'd been working on a powerpoint for Computer Class, but I'd stopped to look at Matt's blog becuase I'd already finished. It made me a little sad, reading it - I hate not being able to return his feelings. Like, cuz im straight, you know. I almost commented, but I decided not to - it's a little awkward reading a blog all about you. I wondered if he assumed I stopped reading, and I almost hoped he did - that way he wouldn't hold back writing sweet things.

Yeah, I'm a douche. An ass. A jerk. A dick. A worthless peice of shit.

That's because I still wnat him to write sweet nothings, write kind words, write excited blog posts about me, even though I don't feel tha tway about him. It's not that I like him... at least not much. I mean, I can't likle him that way, right? I don't date _guys. _But it's comforting. Especially today, when my ass hurt like hell because the only one that had sex with me wasn't in it for the love. Was my own brother, for one thing.

It just made me feel loved, even if it was by someone who I didn't exactly love back.

He just made me happy, you know? He mae me really, really happy. Made me want to just... be with him. For a long time. just spend all my time with this person, because he really, truely cared about me. Nobody else did. Maybe Halle or Weddy or L and the gang, but none of them cared about me that way, not _really. _It was all just friendship.

But wait... that was what I wanted it to be like with Matt, right?

Ah. How confusing.

Luckily I would have pleanty of time to figure everything out becuase Matt was picking me up today.

Turning off the computer I get out of my seat, just as the dismissal bell rings. I spy Triston glaring at me from behind his computer (as always) but I ignore him half-running and half just-trying-not-to-limp towards Halle. The blonde girl grins at me and highfives me out of no where, making me stumble a little. "GOOD JOB, MAN."

"Good job?" I ask, leaning a little awkwardly on the table. She rols her eyes. "Jade. Good job on getting a date for the dance, I mean," she says. "I thought you hated girls universally."

I shrug. I wasn't going to lie to her.... "Well, she asked me. It was girls choice."

Halle frowned, quirking an apprethensive eyebrow. "So you don't like her?" she asked with concern, looking a bit ticked, crossing her broad arms over her chest as she peered at me. I quickly shake my head, raising my hands for innocence.

"No no! I do like her!" i assure her, only half lying. "She's really nice. If I was going to go with somebody, it probobly would have been her, if I was gonna choose. We're not, like, skipping through feilds of love or anything, but she's really sweet." She doesn't look very content with my reply, and I can tell she k nows somethings a little off, but she shrugs and walks me down the hallway.

"So are you and Weddy racing today?" Halle asked curiously, and I flinch, cursing inwardly. _Right. It's Friday. _I always motorcycle race with Weddy on Fridays... I supposed I could just call it off, but I would feel bad about it, and Weddy had actually beaten me yesterday and I didn't want to look like a sore looser or something.

"Yeah, okay," I allow, nodding. Weddy suddenly appears behind her, a huge grin on her face.

"That was a yes!? YAY!" Weddy says with fake enthusiasum and a huge grin, making jazz hands. I roll my eyes at her, and she goes back to her normal self, punching me in the shoulder. I wince a little. I really shouldn't have agreed - our races tended to be kind of hardcore, which would be kind of hard consitering my ass problem. But i plaster on a tough face, punching her back and getting into a little playful scruffle like we always do, throwing little punches and shoves until I fall on my butt.

"Oh, sorry Mello," Weddy said, a little surprized. The punch wouldn't have fazed me usually, but she got me in the thigh where Gabe had hardly been gentle before. I wince and nod, getting to my feet.

"No big deal," I tell her, shaking my head. "Just an, er, soccer injury where you punched me." Weddy winces, looking sympathedic, but Halle narrows her eyes. I can tell she knows something's up, and I quckly change the subject. "So hey, my friend from the next town over, Matt, is coming to pick me up and hang out today, so we'll have to make this one quick. Is it okay if he watches?"

Weddy blinks. "Matt?" she asks uncertainly, and I nod. After a second, she shrugs. "Okay, whatever."

"What's Matt like?" Halle asks as we make our way out of the school, her usual stroll slowing a little to accomidate for me. Weddy slows in responce, and I immediately feel greatful - I'm sure they can tell I'm struggling a little. I dont think they realize why or to what extent, but they look truely concerned, trying to hide it with frendly conversation.

I ponder the question, looking up at the sky. What is Matt like? I'm not sure how to discribe him.

I'm just trying to figure it out when suddenly, of course, who else but Matt pulls up.

He is in no doubt the coolest car I have ever seen. I'm not sure what kind of car it is, because I'm no good with that kind of stuff, but It's red and it's _really _awesome looking. I hear Weddy gasp out the name of some apparently awesome car, and Halle gushes, "Who's _that?"_

Of course, Matt attracted tons of attention. The car was awesome, but there was, of course, _him_ sitting inside, peering out the window at everyone. He looks surprizingly very... um, good. Not that I'm gay or anything, but I tottaly understand why almost every girl int eh schoolyard turns to look at him with wide eyes, along with alot of guys, too. Nobody reconizes the redhead in the red car, and i immediately hear rumors flying around, alot of them mentioning how hot he is.

He's hot? Gee, I hadn't noticed.

(That's a lie, I tottaly noticed. Aaaaah! Shoot me now!)

"Who's _that?_" Weddy asks a bit breathlessly, amber eyes huge with anticipation as she whips off her sunglasses to get a better look, then looking at me expectantly. As if i should know every attractive guy that pulls up in a hot car. Halle looks over at me too, both of them looking at me with high expectations.

I sigh, then turn back to Matt. He's leaning out the window now, obviously serching for me, his goggles still on his eyes. "That's _Matt."_

"No. Way." Halle breathes, shaking her head. "Attractive people attract, I guess..."

I roll my eyes and wave to Matt, smiling. Alot of people turn to stare at me, but I ignore them, waving to the redhead. Matt spies me almost immediately, his face lighting up, and he waves back as I run over to the car, combat boots clapping against the cement as I do. There are people staring at us in shock, and i hear somebody whisper "_Two hotties in a hot rod, this is better than cheesecake!_" I feel kind of like I'm on display as i bend down to talk to him, leaning on the car window with my arms. My ass is still throbbing a little, but I ignore it, grinning at him. "Hey. You made quite the impression," i tell him, rolling my eyes.

Matt blinks and looks around, as if just noticing that half of Wammys student body is staring at him. "Oh. Guess so," he said, then nodded to the passenger seat. "You coming?"

I shake my head, and his face falls.

"No, no, I am," i say quckly, and his face lights up again, making me roll my eyes. "I just have to delay it about fifteen muinates, I have a motorcycle race with Weddy that I tottaly forgot about before. Do you care?"

"Do I get to watch?"

"Yeah, sure."

He grins, adjusting his goggles and flashing me a funny little grin. "Then I don't care."

I flash him a smile and sit up quickly to lean on the door instead of in the window. I do this quickly becuase, when he said that... my heart skipped a beat or two. Which was rediculous - I wasn't gay. And I certainly wasn't going to respond to flirts from a guy. Even if it _was _Matt.

Alot of people are still looking at us, even if they're trying to be discreet about it. Weddy has vanished to retreive her motorcycle, but Halle is waving at us and grinning like an idiot, obviously eager to run over here but not wanting to intrude. Eager for a distraction for Matt, i wave her over.

She wastes no time getting there, a bit of a skip her her step. "Hey!" Halle says happily, waving. Matt looks up at her from the window, leaning half way out the window. He's wearing a striped shirt again, but this one's a little tighter and it's black and gray instead of black and white. She grins at him and holds out her hand. "You must be Matt."

Matt nods and takes her hand, shaking it. There's a bit of uncertainty in his eyes, giving me a 'who is this perosn' look before returning to smiling at Halle. "That's what they call me," he says chipperly, releasing the handshake to unfasten his seatbelt, opening up the door and hopping out.

The stares get alot less discreet once he's out of the car. I have to admit, he looks especially good today. I can tell that he actually worked on his hair today, and though it's still has that boyish messyness it looks good, the red color of it looking especially striking outside the car he drove. He's in the shirt I mentioned before and dark blue jeans that fit him a little _too_ well, and some brown tie-up combat boots. It wasn't that diffrent from whath e looked like the day i met him, but for one reason or another he looks more appealing than usual.

I mean, _would _be appealing. If i liked him that way.

Apparently the rest of the female student body agrees, because i hear squealing and pointing at both of us. Apparently we're the main attraction, the two of us together. The squealing doesn't stop when he throws his arm around my shoulder in a friendly way, grinning at me. "So you gonna inroduce this girl or what?" he asked jokingly, poking Halle in the shoulder. Halle flushes a little, and I wonder if it's because he's a sexmobile or because I hadn't mentioned her before.

"You know _Halle._" I accuse, punching him lightly in the gut. I would have shruggd his shoulder off, but I'm actually kind of greatful for hte support, since I'm trying very hard not to hobble at this point. "I mentioned her before."

Matt gives Halle a blank look, frowning slightly, then seems to "remember" and gives her a huge grin. "OH! Halle!" he said happily, slapping his knee. Acutally I'd never mentione dher before, but I'm glad that Matt played along. "Right! The one with the awesome leather jacket. Should've known."

Halle blushes a little, which is a new expression for her, and she adjusts the leather jacket on her shoulders a little pridefully. _Oh, that dog, why is he so clever? I never even mentioned her jacket, how did he know she was proud of it? _It occors to me that he's amazingly smooth, and I'm kind of jelous for one reason or another.

"Yeah, that's me," Halle says kindly, giving him a grin.

I roll my eyes, then spy Jade staring at me from across the way. Oh, right, Jade. SHe's giving me an obvious _'introduce me, you asshole!' _look. With an inward scream of horror I nod at her. APparently she sees this as a 'come on over' nod and not an 'i acknowlage you' nod, because she hurries over, wasting no time wrapping her arms around one of mine. "Hey Mell-Mell!" Jade gushes. I flinch a little, ivingh er a weird look - Mel-Mel? Seriously?

Matt looks a little appaled for a second, then releases his hold around my shoulders - butthurt reactivated! - and turned to look down at Jade. I hadn't noticed it before, but Matt's not really that tall. We're actually about the same height, if I'm not taller, but he kind of makes up for it with his personality i guess. He sticks a smile on his face as he says, "You must be Jade."

Jade grins really big, as if to say 'he mentioned me! yay!' as she nods her head, bushing a little. "That's me," she chirps, "I'm Mello's girlfriend."

"So I've heard," Matt replied, smiling.

The smile doesn't reach his eyes.

I cough a little and give Jade a big smile, but i doubt mine reaches my eyes, either. "Jade, this is Matt. My friend from out of town," I explain, trying to subtly pull her off. As i do this I spy Light staring at me from across the way, a little smirk on his face. I wonder why he's smirking, but I don't ahve time to question it, because Halle is talking again.

"Oh, right! We need to get the motorcycle race going! Do you have your cycle?" Halle said a bit excitedly, and I nod. I left it in the school parking lot. "Good, you should go get ready. I'll take care of Matt." I raise an eyebrow at her as she grab's Matt's arm, a cheshire cat grin on her face. She's clerly all to eager to 'take care of Matt' and have me be gone, but Matt doesn't seem to notice, just looking happy. I can tell that the smile he gives Halle is a real one, though, opposed the half-fake one he gives Jade.

Speaking of Jade, she detaches herself from my arm, giving me a grin. "Yeah, you should get ready!" she chirps, taking my hand in her painted one. I smile at her - she really does look super happy, which is good, i guess. "I'll be cheering for you!" she promises, and then surprizes me slightly by leaning up on her tiptoes and kissing me. It's just a little peck, but it makes me blush a little. I'm not sure if I'm blushing becuase of her, though, or the horribly jelous look that Matt's giving her.

"Well you better be, because Halle'll be voting for Weddy," I say teasingly, rufffling her hair and trying to ignore Matt, who's jelous face has gone away to a happy-happy one again. Jade nods and i hury away to get my gear.

****

Cycle? Check.

Helmet? Check.

Leather? Check.

Ego? Check.

Feeling Loved? Not Check.

I'm sitting on my motorcycle at the beguining of the course (which is realy just a path that goes around the school that we always use for shit like this) waiting for Weddy to be ready, since she's apparently having some trouble with her helmet, suddenly in a shit-tastic mood.

This is becuase sitting in the bleachers is about half hte student body. But it's not them that bothers me - it's my friends. Matt is sitting there with a happy smile on his face, as always, and then there's _Jade, _MY girlfriend, about thisclose to him and flirting away. I'm not sure if Matt notices she's flirting with him, but she is - kicking her legs in the air, touching his shoulder and his knee alot, pushing out her chest and sending him smiles and winks. I feel incredibly jelous, but I'm not sure if it's because of Jade or Matt anymore. Clearly Jade, since she's my girlfriend... right? Matt seems aot more interested in talking to Halle, though, eagerly prodding her with what must be questions, becuase Halle is happily spurring random things. She's much more subtle about her flirting, if she's flirting at all anymore. I think she might have caught the 'gay' thing finally, but i could be wrong, she's never been one to throw herself at people. Half the girls in the audience have leaned over and tried to talk to him at this point, and really, it's pissing me off.

I'm not sure why, either.

"Ready to get your ass kicked?"

I turn around to face Weddy, who's leaning on her motorcycle and grinning at me, holding her now fixed helmet under her arm. I raise my eyebrows, smirking at her. "The question is, are _you_?" I counter, grinning. Really, this is what I love about races with Weddy - we don't ever take it too seriously. Weddy is competitive, yeah, and we're both kind of sore loosers, but we're usually cool with joking around with it all the time.

"Nope," Weddy admits, grinning at me and hopping on her own cycle. Her ride's pretty cool, but I like mine better - I've ridden hers, and i find it kind of bulky. Maybe it's just a diffrence in riding style. I smirk and pull on my helmet before hopping on my own ride too, gunning the engine.

I spy Halle and Matt cheering in the croud, Halle for Weddy (as always, mostly just to peev me) and Matt for me. What I notice most is that Jade isn't cheering at all, rather waving her hands up in jazz hands and trying to lean closer to Matt.

Whatever.

I gun my engine, leaning forward and looking at L. He's the one who always starts the races, kind of an unofficoal referee. He waves his hand in the air and we both take off, gunning our motorcycles and taking off.

The speed it exhilirating, as always. She starts off faster than me, because i hesitated a little to take off, but I don't mind, driving faster than I really need to to catch up to her. We're neck and neck for a while, rounding our first lap. I only barely hear the cheers of the rest of the student body for the wind whipping around me, trying my best to stay steady on my ride. I probobly shouldn't have been riding that fast, since my ass was huring like hell still, but I kept speeidng up, not at all ready to admit any kind of defeat to Weddy.

As usaul on the third lap i gun it all the way, at dangerous speeds. Weddy isn't as good at turning as I am, so she has to slow down at the turn around the chemistry building. The turn is sharp but I manage it, leaning to the left and gunning it to the right. I skid a bit, struggling to keep my balence, but manage to zip on a head becuase of it, swiping a circle around Weddy who had to slow down. I hear an erruption of cheers from the people who sit themselves at the turn (since that's where alot of the action happens too) but I ignore it, racing ahead and peeking out over my shoulder only for a second to see where Weddy is. She's fine (aka she didn't wipeout) but she lost some speed because of my move.

Racing on ahead I'm tottaly ready for the race to be over. Usually I feel like I could race forever and ever, but not today. I cross the finish line about thirty seconds before Weddy does, smacking my heel down to stop the cycle.

Everyone's cheering like crazy as I pull off my helmet, but I hardly even care. I just want to get out of here and leave with Matt.

Weddy pulls up beside me, pulling off her helmet and shaking her blonde hair free. She's grinning, amber eyes glittering. I cean see them, because she's not wearing sunglasses under a motorcycle helmet. "That was so awesome," Weddy says happily, grinning. I can tell she got the elation out of it as we both usually do, but the elation has already died for me. I smile anyway, holding out my hand for a highfive. I get it, a heavy WHACK of her gloved hand on mine. "Good game."

"Definately," I reply, and climb off my motorcycle. As usual people are streaming out of the bleachers to talk to us and greet us, over excited as they always are.

The first person who reaches me, of course, is Jade. She practically rockets into my arms, though, and of course, my ass is still hurting like a fire. As soon as she makes contact I slip, falling on my butt, causing her to land on my lap, a surprize little squeak in her voice. I groan, the pressure on my thighs horrid since I'm wounded there. "Oopsie, sorry Mel-Mel," Jade appologizes, scrambling off of me with a blush on her face. I hear people laugh around me, but I barely hear it, the pain throbbing in my head and nether regions again.

I need to get up, I know, but I have a sickening feeling that I won't be able to. I've never been a weak person, never had to get help standing up or running or climbing or anything. I hated the feeling of needing help. And nobody offered it at first, though Weddy was looking at me with confusion and worry.

Jade isn't looking at me at all. She's looking at the redhead that's trying to get through a croud of excited schoolgirls, a blush on his face. I try to ignore it, the pain I mean, but I can't, wincing as I try to sit up, only to sit down again becuase of the pain.

"Mello?" Weddy asked worriedly, peering at me. L looks at me from his ref station, panda eyes questioning. I spy Light staring at me from across the way, Teru Mikami and Misa jumping at his heels and talking about something. Kerry and Ava giving me confused looks. I hear and see lots of things, but all I feel is the pain.

No. I am not a weak person.

I suck in an inhale and pull myself to my knees, wincing at the horrid pain as I do. I feel like it's quite possible that I can get up now, though, the pain slightly fading.

Suddenly there's a hand in front of my face, outstretched and offering. I blink in surprize and look up to find Matt there, a concerned look on his face. "You okay, Mello?" he's saying, eyes wide and concerned behind the tinted goggles. I wince and nod, not taking his hand, instead just pulling myself to my feet. THe pain is unbearable and i regret it, but I feel like a total weakling.

"I'm fine," I manage, shaking my head. "I think I just twisted something in my knee on that turn. No big deal." It's a little surprizing at how easily I can lie. Weddy frowns at me, and I don't think she beleives me completely, but Matt only nods, putting his arm around my shoulders for support dispite the fact I didn't take his hand before.

"Well, you'll be okay then, right?" Matt said a little loudly, and the croud stops whispering worriedly. "So we shouldn't worry?"

I blink, then nod, letting him help me to the car. I'm struggling not to hobble now, following him out. Halle, Jade, and Weddy are hot on my heels as I do, and when I look over to see if Halle beleives the story I see Light over her shoulder, staring at me again, a knowing smile on his lips. _What do you know, Light Yagami? _I want to scream. _Why are you staring at me?_

Matt continues smiling at everyone who smiles at him as he leads me to the car, and I can tell he's being careful to hold me up without making it too obvious I'm having trouble walking. I'm greatful, but I have to wonder why he's being so cool about it. I mean, how could he know I hated being helped by people?

Then again, he was prettty accurate about everything so far.

Except that gay thing, I mean.

We reach his car just in time, and I wiggle out from his arm to lean on his car. I silently hope I'm not bleeding again, so I won't ruin his seats when I get in. There's a small cround of people gathered around to stare at the car, but they scatter when we show up.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Weddy asks with concern, reaching out to feel my forehead. I manage a smile at her. She's kind of like an older sister to me, in a way, sometimes. She's an upperclassman, and I'm fairly sure she's the only girl I've met that hasn't tried to flirt with me (and is also not a lesbian). I nod, trying to move my head away from her hand, but to no sucess. I'm suddenly glad B isn't there - he's kind of an injury expert, and is the most likely to know the sideeffects of buttsex-rape than anybody else. Except maybe A..

Bad thoughts. Changing subject now, so get your mind out of the gutter.

"I'm fine," I tell her, moving her hand out of the way with my own now. She doesn't seem sure, but Jade doesn't actually look that concerned at all, smiling at me.

"You were super cool out there, you know," Jade gushed, clasping her hands together. Halle winces as Jade grabs her hand, looking at them with big eyes. "It was so awesome! Oh, but I was super freaked out when you fell over. Are you feeling okay? It's not because i glomped you, is it?"

"N-no..." I lie, shaking my head and cursing myself for lettting myself stammer. I'm surprized slightly when Matt flashes her an honest smile.

"It was pretty awesome, huh?" he replies wistfully, then rolls his eyes to look at me. I'm a little surprized at how affectionate his gaze is when it turns to me, and I find myself fighting a blush.

"SOOOO awesome," Jade gushes, then hugs me again. I don't fight her now, since that would cause too many questions and I'm steadied by teh car behind me now, so I hug her back. She's warm and cuddly against me, but she doesn't quite fit against me like I had against... wait, that's a weird thought. I glanced at Matt for a second, then back at Jade, who was grinning up at me. _Weren't you the girl who just flirted with Matt behind my back? _I think vaugely, trying to figure out the girl's train of thought when suddenly she was on her tip toes again, pressing her lips to mine.

It isn't a peck this time, and I'm cleraly obliged to return it. I'm not one for PDA, but Matt is staring at me, I can feel him staring. If i don't return the kiss, he'll know. He'll know I don't really like this girl, and then what will happen? I couldn't let him think that he had a chance. So i press my lips on hers in responce, letting my hands wrap on instinct around her back. She's kind of sticky, and she had obviously put too much lipgloss on. I notice with slight, strange turn-off that her breasts are pressing against my chest.

She feels like she wants to keep it up, but I pull away, pushing her lightly off of me and giving her a forced smile. "Thanks," I say, surprized at how sweet my voice sounds. Like i really do like her. It wasn't that the kisses were bad, exactly, but it tasted like...

Like it was, i guess. it was like i was kissing someone I didn't care about. Exactly what it was.

I'm a little surprized when suddenly Matt grabbed my arm. My head snaps up to look at him, and I notice that he's got a fake-friendly look on his face. I can tell by the twitch in his eye and the force of his grasp that he was kind of pissed. "Let's go, okay?" he said a bit harshly, trying to make his voice friendly, but obviously not good at hiding his discomfort.

I nod slowly and, with one last goodbye wave to the girls, climb into the passenger seat.

As soon as Matt's door closes I feel tense. What was he so mad about? She _was _my girlfriend. I could kiss her all I wanted, even if i didn't want to. I'm extremely concerned as Matt rolls up his tinted windows, a dead-serious look on his face as he drove out of the parking lot.

I can't speak at all, afraid to break the silence as we pull away from the lot. I want to demand explaination, but I can't do that somehow, too stunned by the sudden flare up of events that had happened in the previous thirty minates.

Suddenly he turns and pulls into the parking lot of some random little store. I blink in confusion but don't have time to ask as he whips around, looking at me with a new expression to replace his serious, tense one. His eyes are wide and filled with a milion worries and questions, his hands clentching on the armrest as he suddenly blurts, "I'm so sorry!"

I blink, surprized by the apology. "Eh?"

Matt sighs and shakes his head, a blush suddenly assulting his face. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk about Jade. I mean... I'm gonna be honest, I don't really like her," he admits, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, "But that doesn't give me a good reason to be a dick about you kissing her and shit. I mean, that's not really fair, I mean."

I'm a little releived that the conversation isn't about my injury, but suddenly I have a tiny little swarm of anger in the pit of my stomach. I find words spilling out of my mouth before i can stop them, smacking my hand down on my armrest. "For god sakes Matt, why did you let her flirt with you!?"

Matt blinks and his head snaps up to look at me, eyes wide behind the goggles. He hesitates before blurting, "What are you talking about? She wasn't--"

"IN THE BLEACHERS!" I cry, throwing my hands up in the air. "You tottaly didn't even act uncomfortable about it! My _girlfriend _is flirting with you and you don't even care!" I'm not sure wy teh anger is boiling over now, but it is, and i can't stop it now. "Do you realize how rediculous that is!? It's one thing for you to be hitting on ME, because I was used to that, or even on freaking Halle for all I care, but _Jade?_"

Matt's face falls a little, a blush rosing up on his cheeks, and he starts talking too, his voice shaking a little as he hurries, "I was not flirting with Halle OR Jade, Mello! You know for a fact I'm a flaming homosexual, god dammmit, and what do you even care if I flirt with Halle? Even if I _am _gay and was _not _flirting with her, much to my dissapotinment _you are not my boyfriend! _I can't stop people from talking to me, and I can talk to whoever I want, can't I? And you know, I can't help it if your girlfriend's a whore!"

I freeze, holding my breath and staring at him wordlessly. I can't think for a muinate, everything a blur in front of me out of no where. The pain in my ass, the pain in my chest, the pain in my head. For a second, I can't breathe, his words hitting home inside me. He was right.

Matt bites his lip, obviously regretting what he said already, a blush fleeting across his face. I can't move, feeling myself stony in the seat. I don't have the energy to swat him away as he leans forward, grabbing my hand. "Mello, I'm sorry. I apologize, okay? I didn't mean it like that, okay?"

Slowly, trembling a little, I shake my head. I feel a smile tugging at my lips before I can fight it. "N-no... you're right, Matt.." I whisper, unable to fight the smile on my face. "She's a... giant whore, isn't she?"

Matt blinks, looking surprized at my reaction. I'm a little surprized too, but i realize - he IS completely right. Jade didn't really matter - she liked me for my hottie list ranking, for my 'coolness' that wasn't even real. That was just a label. I shake my head and look at him, letting the smile retreat from my face to be replaced with a more subtle smirk. He's grinning now too, eyes glimmering behind the goggles.

"Let's get dinner."


	8. Chapter 8

"This is the best chocolate cake I have _ever _tasted!"

Matt snickers a little as I eat the cake, practically purring as I eat it. It's so good like all chocolate is, but it practically melts in my mouth when I eat it, completely perfect. Godiva chocolate. AAAAH, yes, i had no idea it came in cake form. I really think I'm in love, now, not with Matt but with the cake.

"You're really chocolate obsessed, aren't you?" Matt asked, smiling at me. I nod, not even bothering to deny it as i shovel chocolate cake into my mouth. I'd learned in my time that chocolate cake pretty much makes everything seem better, including extreme butthurt and realizing your date is a total slut-bucket.

"I think I'm in love with this store," I breathe. It's an all desert store that I didn't even know existed in the next town over. It was so good that I think I might die. Matt had gotten a chocolate brownie-thing, which I had wasted no time eating half of. He said he didn't care, and I took him up on the offer. I am not one to give up free chocolate.

Matt laughs a little, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands. It's a little embaressing to admit, but he hasn't really eaten anything, seeming to just enjoy staring at me while I eat. I can't say I object though, finishing off my cake and eyeing his brownie. "Take it," he says, picking it up and waving it in front of my face.

I smirk and take it with my teeth, making him blush and flinch away. I smirk and eat the peice whole, purring a little bit. "Yum," i giggle - yes, giggle, I've never gotten rid of that stupid girly laugh - through a mouth full of chocolate brownie. Matt's eyes glaze over a little bit, and I realize with a jolt that I had just flirted with him accidnetly. _Whoops._

Matt smiles at me though, seeming to shrug it off and taking a sip of his diet coke, though he's blushing a little bit still. "You're so cruel," he teases, moving the straw away from his mouth as he talks.

I roll my eyes and swalow the brownie, sticking my tounge out at him. "No, you just take everything the wrong way," I inform him, even though I knew full well what i did was flitatious. Matt smirks and rolls his eyes at me, taking another drink of his pepsi.

The waitress suddenly shows up again, a kind of ditzy girl with her skirt hemmed too short. She smiled and leaned forwad a little bit, giving us a flirty smile. "You cuties need anything else?" she purrs, grinning. I smirk at her, and Matt only smiles innocently, obviiously not catching the flirt.

"How about our bill?" I ask dryly, narrowing my eyes. I hate girls like her, that flirt on anything that moves. She flinches a little, then gives us both a catty smile before straightening up, adjusting he busty top but only making it more exposing. Obviously getting the vibe that I wasn't interested, she turned to Matt, who she apparently _didn't _get the vibe from (please note that he is **gay** here) and smiled at him.

"Who's paying?" she asked in a smotheringly sweet voice, pulling out the bill from the apron she was apparently required to wear over her super short skirt and revealing top. If she adn't been wearing it, I think I'd be able to tell you what color her underwear were.

Matt looked up at her and smiled. "Oh, that would be me," he said chipperly, taking the little leatherbound bill-packet. I eyed him suspiciously as he pulled out a Mario wallet. There was something cute and fitting about the wallet, and it wasn't the problem - it was the wad of cash he pulled out. I realized with horror as i peeked at the bill that it was almost 80 dollars.

"Oh, _Matt," _I cry, reaching out and grabbing his hand before he can pull out the money. "No, I'll pay for the cake, okay?"

Matt shakes his head, pushing my hand away and smiling warmly at me, confidence and sureness in his eyes. "Don't be silly. I _want _to pay," he told me, pulling out the money and handing it to the waitress. She apparently didn't catch the vibe still, but I certainly did - he wanted to pay for the meal. The idea made me want to blush, though I wasn't sure why - he was the "good guy" in this situation. It wasn't a date or anything, but it still made me feel like a spoiled schoolgirl.

Matt pays the annoying waitress lady and she (FINALLY) goes away, high heels clacking. I have to wonder if she's really as tall as she looks, consitering her heels are literally a foot tall. (Ok, not literally, but close.) Watching her, I have to wonder _how _she got hierd for this job - she was in the shortest skirt in the universe (not even a cute one, either, a gross greenish-plaid color) and when she kickedh er legs up too high i could seriously see her underwear (from the back there was no apron) and I'm unhappy to report that they were yellow. And her shirt clashed, it was bright blue with 'KISSES' written across the front in sparkly silver print. The apron (which wasn't exactly her fault) was the only decent thing on her (had it not been on an ugly outfit, i mean) was black with pink lettering on the front that said 'Kiss The Cook' on the front.

"That woman was in the nastiest outfit I have ever seen," I announce, possibly a little too loudly, and lean over the table to finish off Matt's coke becuase I don't have any more. Matt gives me wide eyes, tilting his head slightly to the side as he does. I frown, releasing the straw from my mouth and leaning back into my seat. "What?"

"Are you _sure _your not gay?" Matt wasn't teasing me this time, his eyes huge as he said it, a little bit slack jawed.

I freeze, then narrow my eyes, hands closing together to form fists. I know I'm glaring pretty horribly at him, becuase he flinches as if I'd slapped him. "What the _fuck _made you ask that, Matt?" I growl, ready to jump across the table and punch him in the face.

"Because a straight man would have made a comment about her underwear. Or her boobs," Matt tells me flatly, blushing a little, "You mention her _outfit.... _sorry, I'm just always on my gaydar without meaning to be."

I puase, consitering this, then sigh, rolling my eyes at him and grabbing his coke glass, throwing my head back and gulping it all down. When it's reduced to nothing but melting ice I throw it back to the table, making a loud bang noise as I do, like in one of those dramatic old cowboy movies. Matt jumps a little at my action, but I ignore it, leaning forward on my elbows and peering at him. "Matt, I am not _gay_, I'm simply _decent_."

Matt studies me for a second, then sighs. "Well dammit," he said.

I laugh a little and lean back in my seat, unable to keep the grin off my face. Even though it was a little weird to be talking about 'are you SURE your not gay' and what not, I know Matt doesn't mean any harm by it.

"Sorry man," I giggle (shut up about the giggling, jerk, i know you are!), smirking at him. Matt laughs that honest little laugh again, rolling his eyes behind his goggles.

"Okay, okay," he relents, adjusting his goggles and leaning forward again, so that he's leaning on his elbows as well and closer to me. The proximity's a little blush-worthy, but I manage to keep it back. He grins. "Tell me if you change your mind."

I can't help but grin, too. "You'll be the first I call."

"I better be," Matt teases, poking me in the nose. This makes me squeak for one reason or another, and I bop him on the head before leaning back in my seat, blushing uncontrollably now.

"Jerk," i snap.

He laughs still. "Bitch," his tone is tesaing as he says this, sticking out his tounge at me. He looks pretty rediculous, actually, with that expression that belongs on a two year old boy on his face. I giggle dispite myself, smirking at him and giving him a thumbs up.

"You know it."

At this Matt rolls his eyes, though the grins is still huge on his face. I can still see his dimples, which are cute in a weird way. Or, you know, would be, if I were gay, which I'm not. Anyway, it was cute. In a puppy sort of way. And for a while, while we were just sitting there giggling and grinning like lunatics and complettely ignoring the waitress lady in the hideous outfit and the ugly couple in the seat besdie us that's glaring and the gaggle of girls gazing at us like we're the sixth wonder of the world, just paying attention to each other and not having to worry about anything... I'm happy. Somehow, with Matt, I'm just happy. I'm not happy alot. Happy, and free of worry. That's rare, too. For a moment I don't think about classes, or becoming number one and beating Near, or school drama, or my family, or my crazy drunken mother, or my abusive brother, or anything else. I'm just happy.

"Here's your receipt."

I stop giggling for a muinate, half way through eating the ice cubes in Matt's glass, to look up at the waitress. She's not looking at me, though, she's looking at Matt, leaning over the table _so close_ to Matt's face - and not her face, either, I'm talking her CHEST is close to his face - that it's probobly consitered sexual harassment. I grimmace, ready to chuck my ice cube at the lady out of pure annoyance, but I see suddenly that Matt looks extremely, extremely creeped out, face flushing out. The lady obviously takes this the wrong way, giving him a catty smile. "Anything else, sir?" she chirps.

I'm about to shove the coke glass up her ass when suddenly Matt blurts, "I'mgay." The way he says it is so fast that the two words blur together, but I hear it clear as day. Apparently so does the waitrress, becuase she moves away immediately and slaps the receipt to the table, spinning on her heels and retreating without a word. A huge cheshire cat smile slinks across my face at this, and Matt smiles a little too.

"That was PRICELESS!" I cried, raising up my hand for a high five and giggling like a maniac. A few people are staring now, including the old couple I mentioned before that look pretty disgusted, but I don't care. Matt pauses a second before returning the grin, eyes glittering behind the goggles as he slaps his hand to mine.

"You are officoally the coolest friend I have ever had," Matt announces, laughing and tossing an ice cube into his mouth. I feel a blush creep across my face, equally embaressed as I am flattered. I've never really had anyone say something like that, odd as it may seem.

"You're just saying that," I accuse, still blushing.

He grins. "Yeah well, I admit, it's not a hard record to beat. I don't have alot of friends," he laughs, leaning over and ruffling my hair. I find this hard to beleive, consitering how good he is with people, and I give him a quesitoning look. He only shrugs. "I went to a very conservitive school," he explains shrugging his shoulders like it isn't a big deal. I can tell that it is, though, becuase the smile doesn't reach his eyes now. "They don't really take things like.. being gay well. So any friends I had managed before aren't really my friends anymore."

I feel a wave of sympathy for him. I'm not gay or anything, but I know what it's like to be frowned on by people, to be expected to be a certain way or be a social outcast. That's how it is at Wammy's basically.

"I'm sorry," I appologize needlessly, chewing my lip. He shakes his head, reaching over and ruffling my hair. I scowl at this, feeling like a child, but he's grinning now, and it reaches his eyes. The scowl vanishes to a tiny smile.

"So not your fault," he tells me softly, moving his hand away.

I nod, understanding, and yawn a little. "AAhh... I know. But it still sucks."

"Yeah."

For a minate we just sit there, an awkward silence between us, me poking at the ice in the cup with a straw and him just staring at the table. I pick up the receipt absently, examining it. _155.00$. _I scowl at the receipt, looking up at him and feeling all over again like a spoiled brat.

"How'd you pay for it, Matt?" I ask a bit angrily, waving the receipt around. Matt stares at it as I wave it around, then shrugs, looking a little embaressed. I narrow my eyes slightly. "_Matt."_

He flinches a little at my tone, and I suddenly realize I'm acting like I'm in charge of him. I'm a little tempted to appologize but he immediately starts gushing out his awnser, like a loyal puppy or something. "Well, usually I do things like hacking to get extra cash, because I'm good at that kind of stuff, you know? But I almost got caught the last time and I had to take a break from that and get my money only from my GameStop paycheck, but that's hardly enough money becuase I wanted to take you somewhere nice. So... I called up Leon and--"

"Oh god, Matt," i hiss, remembering his blog post, my eyes widening a little. Seeing my expression he shakes his head, quickly clarafying:

"No, no, nothing like that. Well I mean, nothing THAT MUCH like that. He designs clothes and stuff - gayest man on the planet, probobly - and he made me model some of the stuff. Alot of it's girl stuff, which is why he had to pay me alot to do it, but it was pretty much worth it," he blurts quickly, blushing a little. "He's been dying to make me model his shit, apparenlty, mostly becuase I had to take my goggles off."

I frown at little, suddenly obscenely jelous. This Leon guy had seen Matt's eyes? For some reason the idea is appalling, and I put my hands over my mouth to hide a scowl.

Matt grins at me, obviously trying to cheer me up. "Maybe you'll see my picture outside his store. Apparently I'm a "wonderful model."" He puts air quotes around the model part, rolling his eyes. "All I did was stand there and grin like an idiot, nothing really that exciting, but Leon acts like _everything _is the most 'fabulous' thing ever."

I laugh a little, but inside I'm thinking: _Leon is right. That's all you have to do is stand there and smile like an idiot. You're just that appealing. _It's a creepy thought to think, but it worms it's way into my mind anyway, and I have to squeeze my lips shut to keep it from spilling out into words.

"So hey, we should probobly leave before the old couple behind us starts throwing daggers for real, instead of just with their expressions," Matt teases a little too loudly, and when i peek over my shoulder the couple spins around to look away, the old man's face burning with embaressment. I giggle, nodding with agreement.

"Alright," I reply, grinning. When he starts gathering his things, I feel obliged to add, "I had a great time, by the way." Matt blinks, blushing a little as he grins at me.

"Yeah, me too," Matt said.

It was true. I _did _have a good time. A great time, really. Such a great time, in fact, that I tottaly forgot all of my horrible ass problems until I was already standing up to follow Matt out of the restraunt. Until I was already stumbling like an idiot, the pain in my nether regions too much to bear. I yelp and stumble on my feet, tumbling to the left. Matt whirls as I take my stumble, reaching out and grabbing me under the arms just in time.

My face is burning when I realize he caught me, even more so when he hoists me up and leans me to support on his shoulder. "You okay?" Matt exclaims, eyes wide and surprized. I look downwards, trying to hide my blush with my bangs, but it's useless.

"I'm fine," I grumble, shifting my weight to stand up. THis time I'm careful to regain my stance before walking again, brushing myself off as I do. The pain is still throbbing, but not nearly as bad as it had been before. Matt keeps pace with me now, his eyes flickering with concern.

We reach the car with next to no words exchanged. He holds the door open for me and I climb in, relaxing against the seat with a shaky little sigh. Matt plops down in teh drivers seat, shutting the door and turning to me, a smile on his face again. he's obviously trying to re-brighten the mood. "So you liked the cake?" he asked teasingly.

I grin, happy to change the subject. "Loved it."

We pull out of our parking lot, and I marvel a little at how good a driver he is. My mother would have crashed right into the minivan behind us, that's parked way too close to our space. Hitting the road, Matt leans over and flicks on the radio to some Fall Out Boy song. I smile a little - I enjoy the band - and hum along a little.

He blinks in surprize. "You like Fall Out Boy?" he asks curiously.

I nod, grinning at him. "Tiffany Blews, baby," i tease, poking him in the stomach. He yelps, blushing a little bit, but I ignore it this time, used to his reactions by now. "What did you expect me to like? The Jonas brothers?"

"Eww, no," Matt makes a face of faux-horror, only half paying attention to the road by this point. "Thank god."

"Yeah."

"So hey," Matt said, slowing down at a red light and peeking over at me. "Where do you live?"

I freeze. _Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. _I can't tell him where I live. It's mortifying. I mean, not the house - the house is actually pretty nice, thanks to my dad's leftover cash - but the family inside. But i can't not tell him, either - he has to bring me home.

Taking a deep breath, I tell him the adress.

"Oh, Woodbrook? That's a nice neighborhood," Matt noted, smiling a little to himself as we drove. I smile a little - I hated Woodbrook - and give a fake-enthusiasum nod.

"Yeah, I guess it's pretty nice," I lie. It actually is a fancy neighborhood, I guess, but all I ever know of it is my crappy family.

Matt nods and hums along to the tune of Tiffany Blews, looking wistful as he does. I let myself hum along too, even though I'm embaressed of my singing - I actually love to sing, and everyone says I'm amazing, but it's kind of embaressing. Matt doesn't say anything, just humming along with me, and it's actually pretty blissful. I find myself leaning back in the seat, looking up and out the top window and at the sky again, just like that first day. It's still blue.

I guess some things just don't change.

We continue humming along until the song is over, at which point Matt says, "I wish I went to Wammy's now."

I blink, looking up at him. He has a sad, distant expression on his face, his voice smothered in regret. I can see it in his eyes, even through the tinted goggles. I sigh and look away.

"No you don't," I tell him quietly. When Mattt gives me a confused look I continue, "It's not so great there."

"I'm sure it would be, since you go there," Matt muttered, tapping his fingers on the wheel and watching the road with concentration, though I can tell his mind is somehwere else. I shrug, shaking my head again.

"It really isn't great at all. I'm not like this at school - I have to act diffrent at school," I tell him, looking out the window as the world rushes by outside. "Everything is ranked there, from grades to your attractiveness to your popularity to sports to... everything, I guess."

Matt blinks. "Your _attractiveness?_" he cries, a little bit appalled by the look of him. I nod, shrugging my shoulders.

"Yeah. I'm number one, at least this week," I tell him glumly, brushing my hair behind my ear. "Apparently girls like me. I don't really know why."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It's written in lipstick on the mirror," i tell him quietly, shaking my head, though i feel a tiny smile tugging on my lips dispite myself. "The janitor wipes it off every night, but the group of popular girls always write it back on the mirror every morning. It's how it gets updated."

"Oh," he says again, looking a little bewildered. I shrug. That's how things went in Wammys. "Are you... high ranking in _everything?_"

I pause. I don't really want to tell him, but I don't want to lie either. A blush creeps across my cheeks and I look away, trying to surpress the urge to laugh at the irony of it all. "Yeah. Number one in 'hottie list' ranking, number one in our age group for tennis, i'm captin of the soccer team that wins the championship alot, and.... number two," I grimmace at the 'two,' thinking of Near. "Number two in acedemics."

"_Wow," _Matt says quietly, eyes glittering a little bit behind teh goggles. He looks shocked and a little taken aback, as if seeing me diffrently. It was what I was afraid of, that he would like me more (or less) thanks to something stupid like a ranking. Well, not _stupid - _they're very important to me, at least acedemics and sports - but I don't want Matt liking me for that. Jade and the others already do.

Just as I'm about to make this clear, I stop. Matt's expression has gone from admiriing to dark, lowering his head so that his bangs shadowed his face, a tiny grimmace on his face. "So I guess you're special to everyone..." he mutters quietly, so much so that I'm not sure that I heard him right at first. I blink in surprise at the slightly depressing look on Matt's face as he tries to keep his eyes on the road.

"I guess so," I reply blankly, never really thinking of it that way before. It was only Matt that I had really reacted well to the affections, though. I squirm, wanting to tell him about the feelings. How he was diffrent, because he saw the real me. That he was more special than any of my random fangirls. That I cared mroe about his feelings than any of them. But what wolud that make me sound like? A gay again? I wince.

_But isn't it true? If that makes you a gay, aren't you a gay, then?_

"...I'm sorry," Matt apologieses, blushing deeply and pulling around the corner. I reconize where we are now, in the back of my mind - close to my house. I look over at him, reaching over and ruffling his hair out of instinct.

"Don't be," I whisper, ruffling his hair as gently as possible. I'm surprized at how soft it is as I move my hand away. Matt slows the car slightly as he turns towards me partially, blushing a little still, his eyes wide behind his goggles. I sigh and look away, feeling my face heat up a little as we pull into my neighborhood. "Just don't be sorry. I appriciate it... that you care about me." My voice is quiet, and though i try to force my voice to be otherwise, it's trembling a little bit.

I stare out the window, refusing to look at Matt. I'm afraid of his reaction - really, what right did I have to appriciate his affections if I couldn't even return them? Wouldn't most people be disgusted? Or at least try to avert the love away from them? I sigh and close my eyes.

We're approaching my neighborhood now, and as we pull up to our road I convince myeslf to peek over my shoulder at him. He's stopped blushing and is keeping his eyes on the road. he has a conflicting look in his eyes, his jaw slightly stiff. He has a seriously thoughtful expression on his face, eyebrows twitching slightly. I bite my lip, watching him.

Suddenly, he says, "Do you really?" He looks at me from the corner of his eye, which I can only barely see for his goggles. I take a gulp of breath before nodding, shrugging my shoulders slightly. To my mild surprize he smiles at me, a gentle kind of smile. "Well... good," he said slowly, and I can't stop my blush when he reaches over and brushes my hair away from my face, the car slowing as he does this, and adds, "'Cuz your stuck with me."

"Oh, joy," I say a little sarcastically, but I'm grinning all the same. Matt turns back to the road, much to my partial releif, a smile on his face. I'm smiling too - I can't help it. Matt's just the kind of person who can make anyone smile, I think, even the crappiest of people. As I watch him drive and fiddle with the cloth of my shirt without really thinking about it, I vaugely wonder if he could ever make my mother smile. I bet, silently, that he probobly could. He was just that good a person.

At least, that was my conclusion.

I was lucky to have met him.

"This is your house, right?" Matt suddenly says, pulling around my corner. I feel my heart take a leap - yeah, that was my house. I don't want to go in, not now. Not when I'm in this good mood. But now the mood is slipping away and the car slows in front of my house, and I slump into the chair.

"Yeah. Thats where I live," I say dryly, sighing a little. Matt gives me a questioning look, seeming to say 'are you sure i should leave you?' but i shrug it off, unbuckling the seatbelt. Trying to appear nonchalaunt. "Thanks for the cake."

"Yeah. No problem," Matt chirps, giving me a bright smile. I smile back. Memorizing his face as much as possible in that moment, opening the door half way. For a second I imagine I turn around and tell him that I want to stay, that I don't want to go home, and maybe I go home and sleep on his couch, or curled at the foot of his bed, or maybe in a guest room if he has one, and we watch movies all night and laugh and eat chocolate and smoke ciggerettes (or at least he does) and talk about serious things like life and stupid things like video games or cake.

I slide out and shut the door.

**A/N: Huzzah! Matt and Mello's... date? o.O whatever you wanna call it, there it is 8D **

**I'm happy (so NOT that happy) to announce that my parents (dad and stepmom actually) stumbled upon this particuarly lovely (aka inaproppriate) story T_T'' so... THAT was awkward. TwT; at least they didn't make me delete it. I'm still kinda humiliated though *facedesk***

**(I'll keep writing it though DX)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Oh The Victories of Chocolate Cake**

**Mood: Freakin' Out**

**Location: My Shit-Hole Apartment**

**Eating: Nothing**

**Drinking: Way Too Much Diet **

**Listening To: Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake**

**THE DATE WENT WELL! *sparkles***

**Okay, so it wasn't a date. But it still went well : ) **

**Well at least, it did once we actually left the damn school. **

**Let me explain.**

**I showed up all happy to be go out on the town with Mello, because you know, I had this whole "omg i have money becuase I posed in transvestite gear for that jerk-off Leon huzzah huzzah!" mood, you know? XD No, Leon, before you start your bitching, you are not really a jerk-off. I love you. You know I do. Srsly. **

**ANYWAY what I'm meaning to say here is that I showed up and, well, we didn't go right away.**

**Why?**

**Becuase **_**Angel Boy is a freakin BADASS. **_

**Okay that might be pushing it, admittedly, but he was apparently forgetting that he had this MOTORCYCLE RACE to do with this chick named Weddy (friend from school I guess) to do, and that I woudl have to wait. I got to watch, though. And i was like "LOL OKAY 8D" cuz i'm just like that, and anyway watching Angel fly around on a motorcycle is pretty frikkin' awesome, you must admit. **

**So I get out all ready to meet Angel's friends. And at first, hey hey, it goes SUPER well. This super awesome girl named Halle - in the coolest leather jacked in the universe, btw - got introduced first, and she was pretty cool. I kind of suspected at first that **_**she **_**was the girlfriend (Jade) but she wasn't. If she had been, I would have been happy - at least, happ**_**ier.**_** Becuase SHE was cool.**

**Jade was not.**

**Sorry, Angel, but your girlfriend's a whore. At first she wasn't so bad, unless you count clinging to Mello and practically clinging to him ike a siamese twin as bad. (I don't know if I do or not.... but she called him this really obnoxious nickname - which i cannot reveal because it would reveal his real name, sorry. But trust me - it was rediculous.) Anyway i was obscenely jelous, and i figured that's why i hated her at first. But I kinda notice that event hough she's clinging to Mello the whole time, she's (not to seem like a gloater or anything) she's kind of not paying attention to him completely. In fact, she's paying more attention to my crotch.**

**(I know)**

**At first i think I'm just imagining it, but then Halle sends Angel off to do his thing, right? And I'm expecting her to follow him - since she's a clinger type - or at least seem a little glum that he's gone, or even at the VERY LEAST mention him in conversation. But somehow she ends up plastered to MY side and jabbering away like a manaic.**

**(yeah. i know.)**

**So we get down to the bleachers to watch them in their race, which I'm secretly SUPER excited to be watching, because that's really pwn. And I'm TRYING to ignore dear Jade (which is hard, because she keeps putting her hand on my thigh and pressing her chest against my shoulder when she talks, which is extremely discomforting) by talking to Halle. She's pretty cool, and actually seems like she tottaly understood the "gay" thing wayyyy before Jde did (if she EVER did) becuase when we were talkng, well, it went something like this:**

**Me: I had NO idea (insert Angels Name Here) rode so well he RACED. That's so cool.**

**Halle: *gushing a little* I know... isn't he crazy-perfect?**

**Me: *gushing a lot* **_**Yes.**_

**Halle: .....*staring at me now* ..... *huge grin* OHH**

**Me: ? *so an idiot for not getting the "oohhh" at first***

**Halle: *smug* nothing, nothing - OH LOOK, THERE"S WEDDY! 8D *changing subject way too upruptly here***

**TwT'''' so now Angel's chick-friend knows I'm gay. XD I guess it's no big deal, consitering they'll figure it out eventually. But anyway we're cheering like maniacs (or me and Halle are, Jade's just kind of being a whore... D:) and hollaring (actually, that was her...) squealing (...and that was me DX) and the works. It was pretty awesome - you'd be surprized how thrilling it is watching someone ride a motorcycle. He was mostly covered by the helmet, but he was all crouched vover it and looking all serious and b4 they started. and man, they FLEW. On the third lap Mello made t his really freaky skid-turn around the chemistry building, which scared the SHIT out of me btw cuz i swore he was gonna fall, but he didn't. And he was badass XD just sayin. At the end it was pretty cool, too, becaus he skidded 2 a stop and pulled off the helmet. he doesn't get helmet hair, apparently (lucky bastard) and his blonde hair was all fluffy and perfect like usual.**

***happy sigh* **

**I wondered while he was doing that if he'd ever let me ride with him once, but I doubt he'd be comfortable with that, consitering I'd have to cling to his waist and what not.**

**And as he's getting off, of course, when he turns to talk to Weddy, Jade leans over and whispers (yes, whispers) in my ear - "You know, I'm not really **_**that **_**into him. You're **_**much **_**more interesting." Word for word. I know. OwO'' I didn't tell him about this (ahhh.... yeah) but I'm ttly freaked about it. So i spun around to Halle and pretended not to hear her, shoving her away. She makes this "EERK" sound when I do, and hre face sets fire, but I don't care. She desreved it. The ho.**

**But anyway....**

**Here's the weird thing though, that was kind of concerning me...**

**When he got off, he was looking kind of off-stance (as he had all day, now that i look back on it) and wincing a little, but Jade just runs right over and TACKLE HUGS HIM. And really the tackle wasn't that extreme and Angel's pretty firm looking, but he just falls right over. Jade flips and gets off of him, squealing annd jumping around and appologizing, but she does absolutely nothing to help even tho Angel's on the ground with this horrible pained expression on his face, like he was ready to just die right there. And you know what? She wasn't even lookng at him anymore, she was looking back at the croud. Me, **_**me **_**on the other hand, I'm fighting my way through a mass of girls who apparently found it necissary to swarm me and ask me millions of quesitons ("lol where r u from" "how do u know mello?" "OMG r u his childhood friend?" "LOL TELL ME ALL UR SECRETS *DUR*" and the works), trying to get over there. **

**I finally do, btw, but he refuses to grab my hand (apparetly he's more macho than i origonally expected TwT) and gets up, but he's all shaky about it, so (against what is probolby my better judgement) I reach out and support him (awww? no. not aww. STUPID MATT DX). Hes all pissy about it, but he seems like he's maybe a little greatful too.**

**We finally make it to the car and he's all leaning against it like he's ready to die. I'm super freaked, and so are his chick-friends (Weddy and Halle, NOT Jade, who is more concerned about 'how awesome he was' and what not), and he tells us he sprained his leg or something like that. I don't rly beleive him, but i guess that's wat it has 2 be, right...?**

**....right?**

**Anyway, that's not what I rly want to talk about right now (though i AM obscenely worried) because THAT WHORE... well, apparently she was pissed about the 'shove away' thing, gives me this snooty look and hurries over to Angel, right? And then she skippers over to Angel and starts gushing about how **_**aaaawwwweeeessssoooommmeeee **_** (yes, she siad it like that) he was. And I'm lke "yeah, awesome, wasn't it : )" so he'll at least know i know it's aewsome too, and he gets this blush on his face and i'm like "awww" inside xD**

**But then the moments ruined, because suddenly Jade's over there HAVING SEX ON MY CAR.**

**Ok, ok, not really. Do not freak.**

**But she leans over and kisses him, al right. And at first he's like "o____O" and I can tell he's uncomfortable at first, but then, of course (what else can you expect from a straight man? *tear*) he kisses her back. And their sitting there kissing for like, twenty minates (not really twenty minates, even ANgels need oxegen) until finally Angel shoves her away. (As in physically removes her, she almost refuses to break off). And he's all "thanks" in this sweet little voice and i'm like "WHHYYYYY" inside. And I know, i know, I KNOW I'm jealous and shit, but I swear... she was doing it on porpose *sobs* **

**...I am such a baby.**

**And becuase of this particular trait I happily grab him by the arm and practically drag him back to the car. (Actually he doesn't resist, but the **_**magnetic pull**_** of Jade's death-glare is enough to make me have to struggle a little.)**

**;_; i feel rly horrid about this next part.**

**Do not read if you still respect me AT ALL.**

**(Please read anyway, even if you do, that was just me being a dramaqueen TwT)**

**I'm appologizing and all, for being all offensive about him kissing Jade and shit, because you know, if he likes her he likes her. And I'm trying to pretend that maybe she didn't say that thing in the bleachers, and maybe I misunderstood. Becuase I am a gay man, and she would cetainly automatically know this. (She did not. Maybe I don't dress gay enough, like Leon says, but I am NOT going around in drag, **_**no fuckin' way.) **_

**And then suddenly he's like "WHY DID U LET HER FLIRT WITH U?"**

**Bam.**

**There goes my heart. It just CRACKED IN TWO at that moment.**

**D':**

**However, the heart-crackage was short lived. I blurted out this whole rant about how i wasn't flirting with anyone and shit and blah blah blah (after HIS rant about it, only for the opposite team) and all that, and feeling like the sad abandoned puppy that I am, and somehow it comes out of my mouth that his girlfriend's a whore. Oooooppsss. And i'm like "Oh god. Oh god. OH FUCKIN' GOD, I'M GONNA DIE! HE IS GOING TO SLAUGHTER ME AND I AM GOING TO BE DEAD AND THEN I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN AND I'LL DIE KNOWING HE HATES ME D': SOB!"**

**I did not die.**

**He was not mad at me.**

**This is what makes me question his sexuality people - you know what he said? He AGREED WITH ME. Apparently he had thought this for longer than i had caught on to, because he was all ;_; "she IS a whore" and inside i'm like YES, YES SHE IS DAMMIT but really i just kind of stare at him like a big idiot, thinking that maybe it was a huge figment of my imagination again **

**(it wasn't)**

**....**

**We continued our date.**

**We had cake.**

**He fell in love.**

**(not with me. the cake.)**

**We got hit on by a waitress.**

**Mello looked ready to shove a fork up waitress' ass. **

_**I **_**got hit on by a waitress.**

**Mello was still erady to shove a fork up her ass.**

**I happily told her I was gay.**

**Waitress left.**

**Mello laughed like a maniac, not at all embaressed.**

**He is officoally the best straight guy ever.**

**I am still sad he is not gay.**

**I told him about my sad, depresed past at my odl schol.**

**He was very empathedic (sympathedic . . . ?)**

**I tell him about my little 'cosplay adventure' with Leon**

**He tells me he had a good time**

**I am a happy boy**

**I drive him home**

**Angel likes Fall Out Boy**

**He tells me Wammy's is apparently a judgemental heirarchy of rankings at which he is best at nearly everything**

**I am unsurprized.**

**Apparently every girl in the school is in love with him**

**At this... i am sad. **

**But also kind of unsurprised, since he IS fucking perfect**

**He tells me, in contrast, that he likes me alot (but not like that)**

**I get happy**

**And then a little sad.**

**We get to his house**

**It's nice.**

**He looks reluctant to leave**

**I want him to stay**

**He leaves.**

**The end.**

**That is all the vauge details you get, for the following reasons:**

**1) This blog post is logn enough already**

**2) It is none of your business**

**3) It is a precious moment, and my precious moments... well, See #2**

**4) I love Angel more than you**

**5) I am very lazy**

**and lastly**

**6) It is midnight, and I need beauty sleep.**

**So here is a question for my readers.**

**Is it weird to ask a "just a friend" for their number...?**

**Oh, and one last thing:**

**I'd just like to say... that i think i love him even more now. That sounds kind of impossible, and evne more stalker like, but... now that i know his flaws, even though their kind of small, I think i love him even more. He has a temper... but it's actually kind of cute. And i can deal with it. He's chocolate-addicted, more than i thought before. But that's cute, too, even if it is expensive. He doesn't appriciate whores, like most straight men. I love that, too. He's stubborn as hell and hates getting help from people. IDK if that's cute or "macho" or what, but It's not realy a flaw. I can deal with it.**

**...so I guess I just wish he wasn't straignt. : / Or at least thta he'd make an exception (though I'm pretty sure HE'D be the girl in the situation. he's kind of... cough... not that masculine. at all. shhh! D8) **

**I guess it's wrong to wish. If he's not gay, then he's not gay. But I **_**am **_**gay. And I love him. And I don't think it's just a crush anymore. It feels to intense. It was hard, before, because he was kind of half-flirting with me, probobly without meaning to, and It was hard not to just sweep him up and smother him in kisses. Or when he was getting flited with with other people (Jade, Waitress, Random Girls at the School) not to grab him and pull him away, demanding that they all leave him alone and that he was mine, all mine! Except I couldn't do that, becase as much as I wish it wasn't true, it is: he is not mine. He is not even partially mine. I can never hug him like I want to, or kiss his tears away, or brush my hands through his hair with the gentleness that I wish I could, or cuddle him and make him feel loved. I can't give him what I know he needs. He doesn't want it from me. And I don't even have the decency to wish that somebody else would come along with giving it to him, because I love him too much. To a selfish degree I love him, and I don't want anyone else to touch him. I'm afraid - thta somebody will hurt him, not be gentle enough with him, will break his perfect, china-doll skin or make those icy-blue eyes tear up, staining the perfection of his face with water. That can never happen. I won't let it. **

**And yet there's nothing I can do to stop it.**

**It's breaking my heart, slowly but surely.**

**At least, though. I can look to the "at least" and smile, because at least I can be his friend, at least I can love him quietly, at least I can be near him, at least I can make him smile, at least I can know him. At least. At the very least, I can love him. Even if the love is to never be returned.**

**Good Memories and Nightmares,**

**Matt**

**COMMENTS**

**PrinceLeon101: That is unfair. I give you all the cash to buy your love (who you so rudely will not allow me to meet) some fancy chocolate cake, wiht my only reward to be you goggle-less in a very attractive dres (in which i did not even get to watch you change, you jerk! ;D jk.... sorta ") on a poster in my store, and I don't even get to know the details of the date!? You cruel awful person! Oh, and in responce to your question: Fuck you, I don't awnser questions. TwT**

**ReplyMatt: You freak. XD**

*******

"Mihael, you little bitch! What right do you have to cry! You made him do this, you demon!"

I close my eyes and fight the tears. I'm convulsing, entire body trembling, a new wave of blood on the floor now, my body sticky all over again. I try to block out the horrible pain, the yelling from my mother above me, and the screaming and sobbing that's racking the entire room. I realize only vaugely that the sobbing is coming from me.

I can't move, my entire body convulsing. Gabriel. God, that son of a bitch did this to me again... another sob escapes me, unable to be held back now. I fight, struggling to regain my composure. Trying to picture Matt in my mind again.

_Matt. Red hair, slightly swaying over his goggle-covered eyes. The little half-smile on his face, revealing one of his two dimples on his cheek. Smiling at me, gently, lovingly, brushing the hair away from my face. "You're going to be alright," he whispered, his voice the same as it always is, kind and lovely, his emotion shining right through. He is being honest. I am going to survive this. I have to survive this, or I'll never see that face again. _

I lean my head to the side to captue Matt's hand between my cheek and my shoulder, but there is nothing there to capture, the flimsy illusion tearing apart as my mother screams at me again. "Get up! Get up, you little demon! Stand up and get out of this house!"

I shiver a little bit, shuddering. It had been so perfect, last night, that moment with Matt. I had snuck in without anyone noticing, my mother passed out on the couch, Gabriel nowhere to be found. I had snuck into my room and grabbed a change of clothes, some chocolate, and then snuck into the computer room. It had been perfect. I waited for a while, surfing the web and waiting for the email that woudl tell me Matt had updated his blog. It came late at night, but I didn't mind - I loved his blog posts, and it was weekend anyway. Nobody would be upset if i didn't sleep.

I woke up the next morning to my brother coming home. Racing up the stairs shouting about something. I don't remember what.

I didn't have enough time to realize I hadn't locked the door to my room before he threw me against the bed, tearing me bare. It was horrible. I was already wounded, and of course, the wounds reopened immediately. He gave me no mercy. My wall has dents from the bed scraping against it, now. I was screaming, withering, clawing at the bedsheet as he's over me, thrusting and grinning a cruel, terrible smiling. LIstening to my screams and moans in sick pleasure. No kindness. No mercy.

_Matt smiled at me, wrapping his arms around my waist and hugging me. We're outside GameStop again, but this time he doesn't release me, instead holding me close. I can barely feel him, ilke he's feathers, gently pulling me against him. He's warm. He smells good, like cigerettes and chocolate combined. He's warm, comforting against me as i tremble against him._

The pain was unbearable.

_I nuzzled against his chest, sighing. "Matt."_

_"Mello."_

It was horrible. I couldn't see, either, blinding against me. I never got any pleasure, like I should have - he never tired to give me any, either. Never bothered to change the direction of his thrusts to even attempt to hit any prostate or caress me in any way that would be good for me. He never bothered. Never.

_"I love you, Mello."_

"MIHEAL, YOU BITCH, I SAID TO STAND!"

My eyes fly open again, a heeled shoe making contact with my ribcage. I shreik in pain, seeing white - my entire body convulsed again, and I feel ready to vomit. Struggling I scramble slightly, trying to ignore the pain and get to my feet. My mother is staring at me with huge, twitching eyes, blue and, for once, sober. She looks hungover, and pissed. There is nothing but hate in her eyes.

"I'm going... mother..." i choke out, staggering to my feet. The pain is unbearable, almost, my knees threatening to give out from under me. I'm complettely naked as I stand there, blood staining every part of me, the pain in the nether regions almost as terrible as the pain in my chest, my emotions spilling over in the form of tears sa they fall down my face.

My mother's face expresses no empathy, no mercy, no horror at teh sight of me. This is not a new sight for her. She knows. She knows what Gabriel does to me - and she blames me for it. Blames me for the sick urdge my brother has to rape me, to basically stick his dick in anything that moves. She blames me.

"GO!" she roars, raising the ball-point pen in her hand like a weapon. I don't hesitate, bolting away, trying my very best to ignore the pain in my rear. It's more horrible than before, the wound inside me more than horrible. _How will I ever go to the bathroom? _I think irrationally as I stumble across the floor, making a grab for my backpack. Inside I always keep a change of clothes, and some food, just in case, but she shreiks at me, "DON'T TAKE ANYTHING!"

I hesitate now, my fingers lingering ver the bag.

_I need it._

My fingers close over the bag's strap and I bolt immediately. I hear my mother shreik, and the clatter of a pen as it lands in teh place where I stood moments ago. I have the overwhelming urdge to collapse, the horrible, shreiking pain in my asshole almost unbearable. I feel myself bleeding again as I half dash, half hobble out the door. I don't stop to get clothes on, instead simply ripping the quilt off the clothesline and covering myself with it the best I can. My mother is flying out the door, screaming at me to never come back with a thick book -maybe a dictionary - in her hand, ready to throw at me.

I scramble onto the motorcycle, hitting the engine. I'm so greatful that my mother is a horrible throw as I speed away, not bothering with my helmet this time.

I don't stop until I reach the park.

I'm not sure why i found the place. It's right nearby my house, so i suppose that's why. I only barely remember to lock the ride to the railing before hurrying into the park. I feel safe only once I collapse to the bench, my heart pounding out of my chest, breathing hard. I can barely breath, and I'm bleeding again. _I'm going to stain the bench. I should clean that up... _I'm thinking irrationally again, my head spinning slightly.

The pain is unbearable.

I try to remember what had happened. It's hard to say - I know that Gabriel raped me, obviously, but the faux-memories I had placed there in my mind are getting conused wtith the actual ones. Matt's face keeps coming into my mind. I wonder, feeling sick to my stomach as i do, how he would react if he knew. If he knew I pictured his face when I was being I thoght of him to replace memories of being raped by my older brother.

I imagine he hates me. I imagine he leaves me there in the park, bloody and naked and dying inside.

Just like I am right now.

Tears roll down my cheeks and I relalize how horrible I must look. Rediculous as it is, my first reaction is to fix my hair.

Slowly I move towards my bag, unzipping it with great effort. THe pain is unbearable, and I don't want to move, but i must. I'm thankful that it's so early, only about 3 A.M. right now. Nobody here at the park to witness the terrible mess that I am, to ask me whats wrong, to bring me into costody for bieng naked in public or something insane. _They'll be mad at me for staining their bench..._

I pull on the shorts, regretting that I have no underwear to put on. I don't mind though, not reallly. The movement is painful as I slip my leg through the hole of the shorts, trembling uncontrollably, my head throbbing. Uncontrollable. I squeeze my eys shut and pull the shorts up, shivering a little. _Unbearable._

And so I block it out. Something I'm skilled at.

_The park is bright and sunny, like it usually is, and a younger me runs, screaming and giggling as I hurry through the grass towards the swings and jumping onto one on my stomach, soaring forward on the support superman-style, giggling with joy as I do._

_My mother leans over from her place standing behind the slide, a warm, cozy smile on her face as she comes over to stand nearer the swings. A younger Gabriel hurries around the slide and wastes no time plopping onto the slide beside me._

_"I bet I can pump higher than you!" Gabriel dares me, kicking his legs. I grin at him and shift my position to sit up, eyes glittering. _

_"Bring it on, ugly!" I tease, kicking my legs as well. As we grow higher and higher in the air, I notice how obscenely blue the sky is. My mother's voice fades in my head, as she's telling me to be careful, entracnced by teh sky. Before I know it I'm no longer on the swings but floating through the air, up in the sky like a bird, the clouds floating around me._

_I reach out to touch one, no longer the hand of a small boy, but the lanky hand I am in posession of now. They aren't wet and airy like they should be scientifically, instead white and cottony like they appear. The sky around me is a blindingly perfect blue as I lean into the cloud, the cottony, feathery feel of t making me feel warm and fuzzy._

_I sigh a little, pressing my face against the cottony cloud with a breathy sigh. I'm so high up in the sky, and I feel powerful and free, problems melting away. And then I realize that, no, It's not my problems melting away - it's the cloud._

_I'm falling. Falling, and I can see the ground splayed out below me, big and green, outstretched to catch me. And I know I should be afraid, but I'm not. I know that he'll catch me, and I stretch out my arms, splaing them out to be caught. And I fall, wind whipping through my hair and absorbing me until I'm suddenly in a white dress, my blonde hair a halo of false innocence around my face, like an angel. And I know that I should be afraid, because I know that angels are false hope, but I fall without fear._

_And then he catches me. A flash of red hair, of striped shirts and of goggled eyes, and I'm warm all over again. Strong arms around me, and suddenly we're in a tiny little house, on a couch. And I look up and it's Matt, smiling at me. And I find myself smiling back, kicking off my shoes and jumping into his lap. I find myself in a white dress still, and I realize without knowing how that I'm a woman._

_"You're my best friend, Matty," I purr, nuzzling my face in his neck. I hear him sigh and pull me close, and I feel warm all over again. He's so warm, so cozy, so moist... moist... why is he wet? Wet, and not warm anymore, but freezing. Freezing me to the bone, but I can't pull away, hs arms too tight around me. _

_I pull and struggle, but his arms are cold and wet, and when I look up, it isn't Matt anymore but my brother, his eyes icy as he gazes at me. I can't scream, my mouth opening to shreik._

_"Wake up, blondie," he whispers, and then he's not Gabriel but a woman I don't know, with a slightly masculine face and long red hair that brushes down to her shoulders. And suddenly I'm not in anybodys arms but rather laying in a cold, wet park, and...._

And then I realize I had been dreaming, and I'm awake again.

"Blondie, come on. Get up. You're soaked, and it's ruining those hot little shorts of yours," the woman snaps, reaching out and jerking on my hand. I let out a wail - my wrists are horribly bruised - and i jerk my hand away, scooting backwards. The woman looks at me with half concern, half annoyance, her brown eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at me. She kind of reminds me of Halle, in a way, only somehow more masculine, with slightly broad shoulders and a face with slightly chiseled features. But her expression is soft and hair long, slightly curly and reaching just below the shoulder line; she donned a long red dress and a black jacket, attoning with tight knee-high boots underneith.

I shake my head and try to struggle to my feet, shaking slightly. The pain is hrorible, but I'm thankful that I'm dressed. I'm not sure what hppened to me - how had i ended up under this bush? In this wet grass? And I was dressed. Fully dressed. _Thank god, _I think silently.

The woman eyes me again, tilting her head slightly to the side and crossing her arms over her chest. I realize with a slight jolt that her chest is flat. As in complettely. Which is a bit, odd, but I don't ponder it, trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes and steady my stance. I suppose I proobly look horrible - i'm muddy, bloody, and bruised, and I can barely stand straight. I must have been asleep a while, because the sun is coming up on the horisoin behind the tall woman. Dispite her lack of a chest, I realize very faintly that she's kind of attractive.

"What are you doing under there, Blondie?" the woman asks, frowning. She's extremely tall, at least six feet, I notice. How strange for a girl. I can't bring myself to reply, still trying to stop stumbling. I had slept in a horribly uncomfortable positon. And what was with that dream?

My thoughts are spinning. Struggling to think straight, I close my eyes, trying to focous.

"Look, honey bun," she says, shaking her head. I notice, suddenly (i dont know how i didn't before) that her voice isn't very feminine either, kind of deep, but with a feminine lisp and a kind of high-pitched tone, but still more masculine than most girls I know, even Halle. Unable to properly focous on anything else I stare at her, pondering her strange but somewhat appealing appearence as she continues, "You've gotta talk to me or I can't help you. Are you homeless?"

I regain my stance, immediately going to fix my hair without really thinking about it, regaingng my beaings slowly. Why _was_ I here? Shouldn't I be at school? _No, it's Saturday. _Then I should be at home... _No, your mother sent you away again. _And I hurt so bad... _Your brother raped you again. Nobody loves you._

"I'm not homeless," I whisper finally, a little intimidated standing under her towering stance. She tiltsh er head slightly, seeming to take me in, taking a double take suddenly. Before I can protest or even wonder what the heck she's concerned about she reaches over and grabs my chin, moving it upwards and examinging my neck. I squeak but don't struggle, shutting my eyes tight, my first reaction being that she's gonig to hurt me. But she doesn't, just staring at my neck like it holds the awnsers to all her problems.

And then she releases me and steps back, concern in her eyes. "You gave someone a blow job recently. You get raped, kid?" Her voice is so flat, so direct, that I want to faint.

Immediately after she says this all of my panic doors open, flooding through me. _No no no! Nobody can know! _My mind is screaming and, forgetting my injuries, I grab my backpack and bolt. The woman stnads there staring after me, a confused look in her eyes as I bolt.

I don't think. _You should have let her help you_. I don't need help. _You can't go home. _I don't want to go home. _You need somebody. _I can make it alone.

The pain is unbearable, inside and out.

I want to die.

**A/N: WELL THAT WAS DEPRESSING! :D**

**Can you guess who the person he met in the park was? Hmmmm? If you do, you get a virtual cookie *smirk* so... do it. Guess. Srsly. XDDD **


	10. Chapter 10

**Contact Matt! **

**Ask A Question To A Gay Computer Nerd Who May Or May Not Give Good Advice And/Or Random Replies! **

**Name: Help me. **

**Message: **

**I need you. **

**Come to work.**

**Many Regrets,**

**"Angel"**

*******

I feel stupid for emailing him.

It's not his job.

So, so, so obesely not his job to take care of me. I'm not a child. I can take care of myself.

But none the less here I am, laid back against the back wall of a GameStop, staring blankly at a shelf of various video game guides. The lady at the desk knew I was there - she would glance at me every once in a while, seeming to wonder, but luckily she doesn't say anything or ask me to leave. She just gives me a tiny smile and goes back to work.

The smile doesn't really help, but it makes me feel a tiny bit better. I'm sure it doesn't show. I feel dead.

I almost don't want him to show up. He doesn't have work on Saturdays, so really, unless he checks his email way too much (which I was kind of counting on at the moment) he wouldn't get here. It was probobly better that way. I didn't even know why I emailed him.

I guess it might be true, that I need someone. Even if it is a random gay guy that fell for me at the oh-so-romantic site of an old gas station. It was still somebody. And that's all he was - somebody. I refused to let myself think of him as anything else.

_He's your friend. _No, he's just a kind face. I am his friend, but he isn't mine. I don't have friends, not really. I'm not the kind. Friend's only hurt in the end.

_You love him. _I don't. Dreams don't mean anything. Who cares if he loves me. Who cares if he cares about me beyond what anyone else ever has? Who cares? He's just a random guy. And I'm not gay, so it doesn't matter how lovely he is.

_He is somebody. _No he's not.

I'm just weak, I suppose. I can't really make it on my own, not in this condition. I have to finish highschool. I have to get out there and make a living for myself. But I can't do that by myself. If I stay like this, I won't last long. I can't give in to welfare or adoption or The System... if I fall into those claws, I'll never get free.

He was the only one I _could _call. Weddy's cool, but she would question me too much. Halle was too, but she'd immediatley go all i'm-going-to-go-kick-ass on my brother, which would only make things worse. L would understand, but he was much too busy in his own problems and would proobobly demand we call athourities. Light would be the same way, and we're not close enough anyway. Misa was a lost cause, as was Matsuda. Beyond would know immediately what hapened. A probobly would too, and he would be too flustered to do anything. Jade was beyond anything and not even to be consitered. Near... i suppose he woudln't be a bad choice, but I hated him, so he wasn't an option. Gevanni would go to Near, and thus the same problem, and we weren't really that close, anyway.

So that left Matt.

If he even showed up.

_He won't show. He doesn't want you that much, he doesn't really care. He just wants in your pants, just like everyone else at the school. He doesn't care about your emotions or your feelings, he just wants to date you, to be cool with his new boyfriend on the "hottie list." Nobody cares about the real you. Not even Matt._

The thought is taunting, and it takes the form of Gabriel's voice, sending a shudder through me. No. I couldn't beleive that. He told me that every day - though not about Matt spicifically, sicne they had never met. I wonder, vaugely, if when he raped me, I screamed Matt's name? it was possible. It was him I was thinking of.

_You sick, disgusting person. Using a person like that. You are awful. _

I am awful.

"Miss, are you okay?"

I look up slowly, and I realize with a jolt that the voice is talking to _me. _It's a young girl, no more than maybe thirteen, in knee-high shorts and a tank top, peering at me from behind her messy brown hair. She obviously doesn't realize I'm a guy. It's not new - though i'm apparently immensely attractive, I'm also frequently mistaken for a girl because of my hair.

For some reason, though, this time it pisses me off. I glare at her, snapping, "The name's Mello, and I'm a guy. Bug off." The girl's eyes grow wide behidn her bangs and she spins on her heel, face burning with a flustered blush as she hurries away. I smirk with cruel contempt and close my eyes, leaning back on the wall. I know I'm being unreasonable, but I don't want anyone even looking at me right now. I probobly look disgusting. I probboly smell, too, smell like after-sex disgusting-ness. I didn't even get to shower...

Sighing I pull myself faurther up the chair, immensely regretting hte movement because of the ache _down there _and I groan, sitting back in the chair. _Make it all go away... imagine..._

_Imagine that your mother is there, smiling and loving you._

_She's there, underneith you. You're sittig on her lap, head nuzzled not against the corner between the wall and a rack of video games but in your mother's bony shoulder. She's brushing her slender, painted fingers through your hair and humming quietly. She has a beautiful huming voice, humming some tune you don't reconize - her humming it, and not the song on the loudspeakers. And you want to fall asleep in her arms, because your exhausted, not from being raped but from a long day of socccer. And you're starting to drift off, letting out a long, drawn out sigh. And she smiles at you, you can see it in the corner of your drooping eyes. She's smiling at you, blonde hair caressing her face much like a halo, a more feminine version of your own hair. And she's humming, and loving, and your starting to fall asleep._

_Her arms are so warm as they hold you, her fingers gently pulling the tangles from your hair. And really, you're too old for this kind of treatment, since you're in highschool now, and not a little boy. But you don't mind, because you love your mother. Your mother is wonderful. Your mother loves you._

_Your mother loves you._

"Oh my god..."

My eyes fly open at the voice, it's too close to me, and I jolt upright. I was asleep, dreaming again. For a scond, I don't register anything, my world blurring. Where was I? My house? At school, fallen asleep in Study Hall? At the park? No. No, I was in GameStop. And the voice wasn't my mother or Halle or or my brother or Weddy, but instead it's _him._

"Hey, Matt," I manage to struggle out, forcing a shaky smile onto my face. He's standing in the doorway, eyes huge behind his goggles, having dropped the bag he was holding. Matt's panting, like he'd been sprinting, but he doesn't seem to realize it. His jaw goes slightly slack, and I can see the horror in his eyes.

I must look horrible.

"Mello..." he whispers, voice quaking. I'm suddenly glad the store is mostly empty, because he hurries through the store without any apparent awareness of anything. Anything except me, standing across the way. And i can't see anything else either, just him coming towards me.

"Matty... you came..." I say slightly more brightly, forcing another smile. I try to sit up, to make the worried look on his face get a little releived, but the dull aching in my back warns me not to move, a tiny, sharp exhale escaping me as I do this. Only managing to make him look more worried he swoops down beside me, grabbing my hand immediately, leaning down to look at me.

"Oh my god, Mello.... Mello, Mello Mello...." he whispers, his voice trembling. I'm shocked at the horror and sasdness in his voice - nobody had ever really worried about me when I was in this condition before. Not my mother, that's for sure. Matt looked worried enough, though, moving the blanket I had been using away from me to reveal me completely. I can see him scanning my entire body, but I can't move to cover any visible bruises, because I'm too weak. I don't even want to. IT's not worth it anyway.

"That's my name, don't wear it out," I attempt at a joke, smiling a little bit. I know I'm being irrational, but I can barely think straight anymore. I really could use some sleep...

"Oh my god, Mello... Oh my god... what happened to you....?" His voice is slightly hoarse, and he brushes my hair away from my face, his touch amazingly gentle to the extent that I shiver. I hadn't ben touched that gently since the last time I had seen him. Certainly not by my mother or Gabriel, in any case. It felt nice and, thinking vaugely of my dream, i catch his hand between my cheek and my shoulder, holding it there. This time, his hand is actually there, warm and slightly calloused beneith my cheek.

I open my eyes to see his expression, which is sad and trembling slightly, a hint of tears in his eyes that I know he's trying to hide. "Hey..." he whispers, moving his hand a little, as if to move it away, but I press my cheek on it more firmly, slightly and irrationally afraid that if I let him go, the moment will be gone and I'll be withering on the floor again, my mother kicking my ribs and shreiking at me again.

"Hey..." he says again, taking his other hand and taking my hand, stroking his finger across my knuckles. I shiver a little bit, relishign the gentleness of the touch. I know I'm not thinking quite clearly, because I have the extreme urge to lean over and kiss him. Of course, I don't - I'm not _that _derranged. Though Matt's hair does look a strange bit like rose petals... maybe it's the color. He continues talking, but I only half hear him. "Hey, Mello, come on. Tell me what hpappened," he whispers, brushing the hair away from my eyes. I flinch alittle bit, closing my eyes.

_What happened?_

Slowly my bearings start hooking onto me, reality weighing back down on my shoulders. Right. I was raped. Again. By my brother. Again. And then my mother kicked me. Again. And sent me away, telling me never to come back... again.

"Nothing. I'm fine," i lie, trembling a little. Matt frowns at me, seeming to be disbeleiving, and at last I release his hand, looking down at my feet as I do. I don't want to talk about it... "I'm fine."

"Mello.."

"Matt, please," i whisper, looking around. I don't want to talk now. Not ever. But esepcially not now. _Why did you call him? _There are people looking at us with curious gazes, and when I meet their eyes they all immediately look away, definately staring. I squeeze my eyes shut, taking in a shuddering breath.

Matt sighs and moves away, at first sending me into a panic, but he only stands up to stand over me, his eyes sad beneith his goggles. "Okay. Alright," he says slowly, nodding his head. "Okay. Come on - you're coming with me. You've gotta get cleaned off."

_Cleaned off. Warm shower. Yes._

I struggle to my feet, clentching my teeth. I'm trying not to seem too terrible, but it's beyond useless, my knees threatening to buckle under me. I hurt pretty much everywhere - my ass, wrists, throat, head, and crotch, thanks to my brother; my ribs, ears, and knees, thanks to my mother; my nose and side and muscles that are now stiff, thanks to the ground. I hurt other places too, probobly, but I almsot don't feel it anymore.

Matt stares at me with exterme worry in his eyes, but he does nothing to help me, apparently deciding to act lke he beleived me about being fine. I wince and manage to stand upright in my usual position, or at least close to it. "Sounds good, let's go," I say as casually as possible.

He nods slowly and, before I can protest, wraps his arm around my waist. It's a subtle, though kind of intimate, act, but it makes me shudder none the less. I know what he's trying to do is help me walk, but it makes me feel loved, a little. I lean slightly on his shoulder for support without really meaning to, walking out with him.

The air outside is surprizingly humid, and it makes me want to gag a little. Irrationally, my first thought is, _Oh, no... now my hair will frizz up. _

Sighing and shaking my head, trying my best to regain my bearings, I let him lead me to teh passenger seat of my car. I forget momentarily about my motorcycle, which is chained and locked to the cycle-parking spot as he opens the door for me, and I slip in. The seat is strangely the most comfortable thing I've sat in for a logn while, or so it seems right then, and I lean my head on the back of the seat, sighing.

Matt slips into the car beside me. I glance up at him, immediately feling uncertain again. His expression is dark and thoughtful, his teeth clenthched. We sit there for a long time, him slamming his door shut. He put's the key in, but he doesn't turn it, just staring at the wheel.

I shift in my seat, feeling cornered out of no where. He's got a horrible look of knowing on his face now, and my heart picks up speed. Aren't we going? Aren't we going to his apartment or whatever? Aren't I going to get cleaned up?

Before I can ask any of this he suddenly turns around, and I freeze. His gaze is pericing behind the goggles, and he releases his hold on the steering wheel, moving completely around so that his hands are resting on the armrest of his seat, clutching it so hard that his knuckles go white. And then he speaks the words I was dreading.

"Who raped you, Mello?"

I'm speechless as I stare at him, panic rising in my chest. Matt's expression was desprate, his orange-tinted eyes slightly wattery as they serched mine from behind the goggles. I want to die, right there, to escape explaination. I can't say anything, my mouth gone dry. I can't make words come, feeling myself start to tremble. How did he know? How did he guess?

Finally, I manage a trembling, "What are you talking about, Matt?" I know my vocie isn't very convincing, at least not to him, because he sighs and grabs my hand. I flinch away, but his hold is too tight on mine, and it really isn't unwelcome.

"Mello. You can tell me anything, okay? I know somebody raped you, I've seen this a million times," Matt whispered a little harshly, reaching out and brushing my hair from my eyes with the hand that wasn't holding mine. I know I'm trembling even more now, squeezing my eyes shut.

I don't want to think about it. I want to forget it.

Forget Gabriel. Forget that he pinned me to the bed that night and did terrible, horrible things. Forget that I had bled and been filled with him, over and over again. Forget that he'd done it three times, maybe more, I couldn't remember, the moments all blending together in my mind. Forget the cruel pleasure in his eyes when i cried out or moaned - not moans of pleasure but of pain. Forget that the only libricant had been blood and the sticky liquid of the time previous.

"I don't.. know what your talking about," I say shakily, shaking my head frantically. "Nobody has ever raped me."

_My brother didn't rape people. Nobody I knew was a rapist. My brother loved me, played soccer with me and helped me make cookies for bake sales. My brother was my hero. I loved my brother. We did everything toegher, palying with legos and teasing the neighbor girls and chasing our parents around with water guns. My family loved me. I'd never been raped. I was a virgin._

"Mello, don't lie to me, please...." Matt whispered desprately, reaching out and touching my cheek. I flinch away from him, shivering a little bit. "Please, just tell me," he's pleading now, his jaw trembling slightly. I can hardly breathe now, and even as I try to summon a false idea, a false memory, I can't. It's impossible - his eyes have me trapped in the horrible, unescapable reality.

"Matt... please..." i find myself whispering, my voice trembling out of control now, tears gathering in my eyes. I don't want to cry - what will happen if I cry? Will he hit me? Laugh at me? Call me a fool? A demon?

_No. This is Matt._

"Mello..." Matt whispers, snapping me out of my dreading thoughts. His face is closer than it had been before, and I can feel his breath on my lips. Immediately the opposite of what I expected happens, my panic slowly fading to replaced with breathless surprise. His goggles are gone, pushed up onto his forehead, revealing his _eyes. _They're green. Emerald green, a breathtakign shade, a beautiul shade. Amazing eyes that catch me off gaurd - they're beautiful. I can't help but think it, even though he's a boy and I shouldn't - they're amazing.

And they're looking right at me, causing me to drown in the pool of green that is his eyes. They're gentle and show-all, as if I can almost see right into his soul through those green beauties. They hold kindness, desprate need, worry, slight horror, and most of all... love.

"Please..." I manage to choke out, but I'm not sure why I'm saying it anymore. Or even where I am. All I can see is those eyes. And, also important, his lips, which are trembling slightly now, and his nose, which I notice now more than before have just a few freckles on them. His face, inches from mine now, eyebrows twitching slightly as he stares at me. I can still feel warm beath on my lips, and it's a struggle to swallow.

"You can trust me," he whispers, his hand coming up unexpectantly from holding my hand to brush the hair away from my own eyes. I wonder what he sees in my eyes. The icy blue horrors that I inherited from my mother. Does he see my confusion? Does he see my fear? Does he see what I really want, even though I can't?

Trust him.

I can trust him.

"I can... trust you." I whisper in a kind of stupid fashion, not quite beleiving what he was saying. Trust him. I can't trust anyone. Not Gabriel, not Jade, not even my own mother. Trust this boy? Trust Matt?

His hand lingers on my cheek, trembling just slightly there, still warm and careful. I don't find the need to trap it there now - he won't move away. I can see it in his eyes. He's uncertain about something, and deeply worried as he looks at me, his lips parted just slightly.

Then he whispers to me quietly, and I can hear the words brushing against my lips just faintly, like a ghost: "You can tell me anything. You can trust me. I love you."

_I love you._

The words echo through my head, almost painfully, yet deliciously at the same time. Matt had said it at least a million times, but this time it shakes me to the core. He still loves me, he says. Even after seeing me like this. I can't beleive it. All my years of having a family like I do, a judgemental set of classmates, a drunken, horrible mother... they won't let me beleive him. I want to, but I can't.

I find myself spilling everything, and I hear my voice trembling before I can stop it. "He raped me," I whisper. "Last night. Again."

Matt blinks at me, eyes widening slightly. He looks like he might be sick for a moment, then seems to regain his composure, nodding slowly. "Okay, okay, Mells... who raped you? Who did this?" His voice is too quick, too calm.

I waste no time replying. It's too late now - he has seen my soul. There's no use hiding anymore. He won't love me after I tell him, I tell myself, and it's better that way. Then there won't be anyone, and I can die peacefully. I know my thoughts are irrational, but they come anyway, and they're frightening.

"Gabriel." I whisper, shutting my eyes tightly. I feel Matt brushing his thumb against my cheek, a gentle touch that makes me relax just slightly as I clarify, "My.... brother."

I hear Matt suck in a breath at this, a sharp inhale that sounds very much painful. I don't let him get in a word, though, continuing mye xplaination before I can help myself, tears welling in my eyes - I can't stop now, the gates have opened and everything is spilling out.

"My brother was the one who raped me. It happens.... it happens alot, but this time was even worse because... because I was already like that before. Yesterday... and my mom saw and she kicked me...and..... and i.... and Matt, they hate me, Matt...." I can feel my voice trembling, my mind rushing to try and think better thoughts, and my words are slurring together now, mixed in with non-readable sobs. "I can't... remember... i can't... it's been too much... and-...mattt.... I'm so sorry...."

I feel Matt shudder, his palm growing slightly firmer on my face, but I can tell he's trying to let me finish before saying anything. Taking in a shaky breath, I finish my spill. "Matt, they... kicked me out... again... and I can't..... i don't want to go back, Matt... It hurts too much..."

As the last words escape my mouth I feel a shudder of something close to releif press on me, and suddenly all of my energy is gone and I'm just tierd. Not mad or scared or angry. Just... exhausted. Exhausted and shaky and in pain. But mostly just exhausted.

I expect Matt to demand more details, but he doesn't. He just sits there, hand caressing my cheek, his breath still barely feelable on my lips. I allow my eyes to open, the tears not slowing their escape down my cheeks - they'd been held back too long, and now that they were free, there was no going back on them.

He's staring at me, his eyes full of pain and horror. It's what I expected, for him to be like this. _And now he demands something. And now he takes you to some horrible place, or leaves you in the cold, or..._ I banish the horrible voice in my head, squeezing my eyes hsut again. Trying to get my brthers face out of my head. Trying to repel the horrified, teary-eyed look Matt was giving me when I opened them, the pain in those green eyes.

Before I can regain my bearings I feel the hand that's not already caressing my face brush the hair away from my eyes again, and without my permission they open, just half way. Matt's got an intense look in his eyes now, gently half-lidded, the sorrow and intensity swarming in his eyes trancing me there, unable to close my eyes again. For one reason or another my heart starts to pound, with his hands on my cheeks. _Should I be afraid? _Matt's fingers are so gentle on my skin that it seems like a rediculos thought.

"Mello..." he whispers gently, his voice trembling just slightly so that I know he's trying to hold back a spill of emotion as well. I shiver slightly - his voice saying my name like that is uncannily wonderful. I want to ask him what he's doing, why he's being so gentle with me, but he's already giving me the awnser, one of his fingers slightly rubbing against my jawline as he whispers, "I love you, okay?"

I don't know how he knew. I dont' know how he knew those were the words I was looking for. He'd already said them once, but I needed them right then. More than anything, I needed somebody to care. And he does care - I can see it in his eyes, in the horrified worry, in the gentle caress he's giving me, in the slight tremble in his lips. He does care. More than anyone else had, he cared about me. And slowly, I feel something inside me just... give. I don't care anymore. I don't care about running from myself anymore.

I melt, to put it frankly.

"Matt," I whisper, cursing myself for letting my voice continue to tremble. Trying to find words to explain how I feel, but I can't find any - the thought is lost on me, making me shiver, and I try to speak again. Nothing comes out.

He shakes his head, though, silencing me and moving back slightly, constricting me slightly as his hands slip away from my face. _Don't go away! _my mind screams, panic rising in the back of my mind.

"Don't," he whispers, still close enough to me that I know he's there. I take in a shuddering breath, and he whispers, "You don't have to say anything. I know you're not gay, okay? It's okay. Really... I love you no matter what." i wnat to scream. I don't know why, but I want to scream and cry, right htere. I don't. "You don't have to worry, okay? I'll take good care of you. You're going to be fine."

"I don't know, Matt..." I find myself muttering, turning away before I can stop myself. I can't take the confrontation, not now. I feel him sigh, possibly with releif, possibly with sadness. I can't tell, not now. I'm tierd. Exhausted.

Confused.

"I'm bringing you to my apartment, alright?" his voice is gentle as he tells me this, turning the key in the ignition. I don't have the strength to argue, even if I wanted to - I'm physically and emotionally drained. _You're lucky he's around._ The voice in my head whispers, the kinder of the two. I squeeze my eyes shut, but don't bother replying to my thoughts, because yeah, I am. I already know.

***

We arrive at his apartment without a word exchanged between us. I don't mind the silence - I'm dead to the world right then anyway. The melted, relaxed moment is gone - now I'm just dead.

"This is it, welcome to shit-ville," Matt announces, his voice strangely cheery. The casual tone in his voice makes me relax slightly and I open my eyes, peeking out the window.

He's right, the apartment building isn't exactly a villa, but I wouldn't have called it shitville. Then again, anything with a bed would be okay right now. Hell, he could be living in a cardboard box - it's better than my house.

Matt hops out of the car, then comes around to unload me. When the door opens I sqeak a little, because I had been leaning on it, and I struggle to stay upright. At this Matt winces, then comes around to help me out. At first I resist, batting him away. "I can do it..."

But i can't do it, really. In fact even when he's helping me by putting his arm around my waist it's difficult, and I'm pretty much just laying on a wall (Matt) and not moving much at all. The situation is awkward and slow, and I groan in frustration, plopping to the ground. I regret the frustrated move immediately, because it sends a new wave of pain through me, but I sit stubbornly still anyway. I hear Matt sigh.

I peek up at him as he says, bluntly as anything, "This isn't going to work."

"Yeah." I agree quietly, frowning. He sighs, shaking hsi head and crouching down beside me.

"I'm gonna have to carry you," he tels me. I flinch at this.

"No," I grumble, scooting away slightly. I do _not _want to be carried. I'm not a weak person. I'm not a toddler. I can take the pain. I don't want to be humiliated. I can walk by myself.

But the thing is that I _can't_ walk by myself. I try to, scooting to my feet and trying to stand again, but the move turns tratior and my knees give out. Matt moves forward immediately, obviously expecting this, and catches me bridal style. "MATT!" I shreik in protest, attempting to wiggle out of his arms as he lifts me up. I'm surprized at how easily he holds me - apparently he's stronger than I gave him credit for, and though i'm a little taller than him apparently I'm alot skinnier.

"Hold still, I don't want to drop you," Matt scolds, his clutch around me tightening in a way that causes his hand to grab my thigh, making me yelp. He releases the grip on my thigh at this, a tiny blush across his cheeks.

"Let me go..." I grumble, kicking my legs a little, but the fight is out of me. Really, part of me doesn't mind him holding me - he's warm and strong feeling, and I feel kind of safer now. Not that I'd ever admit to that.

Matt doesn;t let me go, of course, and carries me towards the apartment building. There are people staring at us, and I notice that most of the people look about our age, maybe older - collage students? _Maybe there's a collage nearby, and that's why they're here._ A rare rational thought. I sigh, trying to ignore their stares and hide my face in his neck.

"I'm going to get you for this," I grumble into his ear, though I don't think I'm very convincing. Matt only sighs.

We reach the apartment - which is annoyingly enough on the top floor. There are no elevators, apparently, so he had to carry me up all the way. I could tell it was kind of a struggle - I was lightweight, but I wasn't THAT lightweight. Still, he doesn't compalain the whoel way up. For that I'm both greatful and irritated.

"Here we are, room 666," Matt says, or rather pants, consitering he just lugged me up six flights of stairs. I blink at him, twisting in his arms to see the door better. Sure enough, the plate says 666 on it.

"Like hell," I comment quietly, frowning.

"Yep," Matt says grimly, but I see a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. I can't find it in myself to smile about it - my last home _was _kind of a hell. Not that this room 666 would be my home. Surely not. I was only there to stay for a little while, to get cleaned up.

_Where will you go?_

The apartment isn't fancy or anything, it's actually kind of crappy. The floors are creaky and the window seems to be stubbornly crooked and off the hinges, the carpets a ratty brown color and strewn with video game cords, cousols, and game cases, the coffee table in the center looks a bit tilted, and the couch looks too dangerous to be sat in.

But there's a kitchen and a bathroom an a bedroom with a real bed, and there's a person there who cares about me and my wellbeing. So it looks just perfect to me.

"Sorry it's such a mess," Matt apologizes, sitting me down on the dangerous looking yellow couch. It's surprizingly very comfortable, and I relax into it immediately, glad to finally be put down.

"No big deal. You should see my house..." I mumble, nuzzling against the slightly-stiff couch coushin. Normally I think I'd start punching it and trying to make it fluff out and be more comfy, but compared to the wet grass under a bush it's perfection. At the thought of my house I have to grimmace though, thinking of the blood stains that are surely on the floor now, thinking of the strewn beer bottles everywhere, thinking of the busted-in TV from when my mom threw the toaster at it about a year ago and never got it fixed, think of the bathroom with the cracked mirror, think of the dents and scrapes along the wall behind my bedpost. No, Matt's house wasn't a mess - it was a home.

"Okay... okay," Matt whispers gently, then hurries away. I watch him leave the room and go into another one that looks like a bathroom. After a few seconds of staring at the door blankly, Matt has returned with a first aid kit and a glass of water, shoving the glass in my face. "Drink."

I don't hesitate. I reach out and grab it, gulping it down. Id idn't realize how thirsty I was until now, but I am, horribly so. I'm thankful for the waters quenching abilities, not even bothering to complain that it's tap water from teh sink. I would drink out of a muddy sewer right now.

"Okay, Mells... I'm gonna help you, alright?" Matt's talking soothingly, brushing my hair away from my face again. I look up at him - he looks concerned and a little strangled as he talks. "You've got to trust me, okay?"

I blink at him, then squirm in my seat, moving so that I'm sitting more upright. The movement's a little painful, but it's not quite as bad now, and I can see him more straight on. Slowly, I manage to whisper, "Okay.... I trust you." I'm not sure I beleive it even as I say it, though. I do trust him, but a tiny voice in my head is still screaming and panicking, even if there's no reason to.

"Mells, listen close... you're going to have to strip."

I freeze. He looks like he's in pain, asking me to do that for him, and at first all my panic signals go off... but then they slow to a stubborn anxiety. He's right, of course - in order to get at my injuries properly it would be better if my clothes were removed, considering they were quite removed when I got the injuries. But the idea was a little frightening, the rape still all too apparent in my mind (and my rear).

I must have looked just like I felt, because Matt has a distressed look on his face, sitting up so that he's only barely above eye level to me. "Come on, Mello. You've gotta let me help you. I'm not going to hurt you, Mello."

I shiver a little. _You are not weak. You can get through this. You have to let him help you. Let him help you. Don't be weak, Mello, _my mind is exclaiming, shreiking almost, like an alarm. Overpowering the little voice in my head, pleading for there to be another way. There isn't one.

I take a deep breath, trembling slightly and nodding my head slowly. "Okay...." I whisper, feeling tense all over in anticipation. "As long as it's you." Matt blinks at me, slowly, eyes glittering with an emotion I can't read mixed in with releif. Carefully he reaches out and grabs my arm, and I find myself blurting at his touch, "B-but be gentle, okay?"

"Always," he whispers without hesitation. I know that the moment really shouldn't have been intimate - I was stripping, sure, but it was for an injury, and we _were _both guys. But it was.

I relax back against the couch as his hands move to my shirt. I probobl could have taken it off myself, but somehow that would have been even harder to do. Tugging it gently off he pulls it over my head - I hear him gasp a little at the sight of me, and I figure I must be bloody and sticky still. Probobly bruised all over, too. I glance down at myself to asses the damage, and I realize why he looks so horrified - I have a huge purple bruise along my ribcage, where my mother had kicked me, and numerous scratches and brusies along my back and shoulders, along with recent bloodstains and other various stickiness. Uncountable scars mark my chest and shoulders, but they have been there from years previous at least.

"It's awful, I know," I whisper, feeling a blush across my cheeks before I can help myself. Matt slowly shakes his head, hands unexpectantly reaching out and brushing across my chest. I suck in a breath - his hands are so warm and gentle, just barely brushing against me, like featherweight. I know I'm trembling when his fingers inch down to brush against the horrible bruise there.

I don't allow myself to breathe, Matt's hands touching along my stomach and chest, inching around my shoulders. The feeling is strangely intoxicating, amazingly so, and I have an almost irrisistable urge to touch him back, but I can't. I'm frozen there. I only manage to move when his fingers brush along the space between my shoulder blades, making me shudder.

"I'm sorrry," Matt says quickly, moving his hand away and breaking the moment off. I blush a little dispite myself, but his entire face has gone red.

"N-no, it's fine," I mutter, then squirm and tug on teh shorts. I find that i almost _want _them off now - they're uncomfortable, and the pain down there is awful. _I need to get this over with. _Matt blinks and moves to help me, hands going around my waist, soft but firm, lifting me upwards in an arch. The movement is painful for a second, and I suck in an audiable inhale, but then I relax. He's very gentle, and since I'm at an arch he has no problems tugging off the shorts.

As soon as they're off, though, the panic sets in again, heart drumming in my ears. Exposed. I realize a bit too late that I hadn't worn any undergarments and I jerk out of his grasp immediaetly, flipping around in a 360 and grabbing one of teh pillows to cover myself, face burning. The movement's incredibly painful, but it suceeds in slightly calming my panic, my entire face pink.

Matt doesn't look much better, face burning with a blush, his face contorted slightly, his nose wrinkled up. I can tell he's trying to keep his face serious, but I see a tiny grin tugging at his lips; he's obviously embaressed beyond beleif, sitting there staring at me, my shorts limp in his hand.

"I didn't know you were commando," Matt whispers after a second, looking slightly guilty. I blush too, but for one reason or another a smile inches across my lips. Something about the situation is just amusing.

Matt stares at me like I just sprouted another head, eyebrows scruntching together with his eyes wide. This causes me to start laughing irrationally, throwing my head back and laughing like a maniac. I don't know _why _I'm laughing - hell, I'm sitting here, bleeding, injured, and naked on my gay-guy friend's couch after being raped by my brother, I shouldn't be this easily amused. But I'm laughing anyway - it feels good to laugh, too, all the pent up emotoions draining out of me.

Before I know it Matt's laughing too, eyes watering slightly as he does. I find out that Matt has one of those addictive laughs right then, because I can't stop laughing to save my life now that he's laughing too. It's just one of those chain reactions, I guess.

"Why are we laughing!?" Matt cries, still laughing like a loon. I don't have an awnser for him, shaking my head and chuckling away. I'm fairly sure I've stained the cooshin that's half-covering me beyond repair, but I don't ponder on that, either.

We finaly stop laughing after a tiny bit, though I'm still half-chuckling every few seconds.

"AH... felt good to let that out," Matt said, grinning. I grinned at him - I can't help but grin now. It's weird - like I said, I should be still in that shit-hole moment. But then again, this pain isn't new. This horror isn't a new Matt.... Matt is new. The friendly smile and the kind words and the funny confused looks and the guilty smiles and the beautiful, soffocating green eyes, and the caring, and the love... that's all new to me.

And so I smile.

"Okay... seriously now, your injuri... oh my god Mell." His voice goes from carefree to horrified half way through, seeming to take a doubletake as he looks at me. A blush immediately crosses my face and I realize he's staring right at my ass-area.

"Yeah..." I mumble, humor fading. I don't make him ask, becuase I know it's necissary - I take a deep breath and chuck the pillow aside, my face burning hotter than hades at this point. Matt is obviously trying not to stare, looking straight at my face as I do this.

I smile at him, trying to wipe the trembling, guilty look on Matt's face away. "I trust you, okay?" I murmer, closing my legs in contradiction. I'm extremely embaressed, though I _do _honestly trust him not to molest me or anything freaky. I mean, he _is _gay and he _is "_in love with me" and what not. Of course I was a little self-concious.

Matt nods though, reaching over and examining me again. He's more careful to contain himself than when he was with the removal of the shirt, careful not to brush against anything... private. He looks rather horrified, the blush on his face vanishing to be replaced with repulsion. Not repulsion on me, but for what happened to me. "My god, Mello..." he whispers, and seems to half-conciously move as he reaches out, brushing against the inside of my thigh. The feeling's unnaturally erotic and I gasp, making him immediately move away. The movement wasn't really intimate though - he was just running his fingers along the bruises I always got there.

"I don't want to sound like a pervert, Mell," he said quickly, his face serious, "But I'm gonna need you to flip over."

I squeeze mye yes shut, trying to ignore all the panic sirens going off in my head. _He is not going to rape you, he is not going to hurt you, he is trying to help you. _I repeat this over and over in my head, taking a deep, shaky breath.

"Okay, just... be gentle," i whisper shakily, looking up at him again. When I do he immediately gets a stricken look on his face, like I'd punched him or something, guilt flashing through his eyes.

"Oh god, now I feel like a creeper.... okay, flip...." he says quietly, and after a moments hesitation he helps me flip around. The pain is horrible, but it's nothing compared to the mortification I'm feeling as I flip. I'm relatively pain-resistant, but shame... shame's hard to deal with sometimes.

I guess the shame is accounted for, because Matt lets out a shuddering sigh. I peek over my shoulder, face burning - I don't know what's more embaressing, the fact that Matt's standing there inches from my bare ass or that the ass he's staring at is bloody and bruised.

"God, Mello...." he murmers. His voice is trembling, just like the rest of him. THrough his soul-bearing green eyes I can see horror, regret, sadness, terror, and oddly enough, amazement. I wince and look away again.

"You're probobly disgusted with me now," I mutter, squeezing my eyes shut. I'm only half-surprized to find tears there, stinging my eyes. I hear Matt curse under his breath, something that sounds like a curse anyway, but I can't tell because it's in a diffrent language. French, I think.

"Oi, Mells..." he whispers, his voice no longer trembling, rather conflicted and strudy. I squeeze my eyes shut and I can feel that he's leaned forward becuase stray peices of hair are just barely brushing my cheeks (and not on my face, either). I feel him shiver because his hands are resting at the base of my feet.

"Just get it over with," I grumble, peeking at him around my shoulder again. I find that his eyes are screwed up, nose wrinkled slightly - I can't tell if he's embaressed, confused, disgusted, or awestruck. "Do whatever you have to, just be freakin' gentle about it, or I'll kick your ass, got it?" I hiss, though the threat is an empty one.

"You're bad. Really bad," he tells me anxiously, and I shiver as I feel him run his hands across my ribcage, adn then my thighs. He winces a little when I move this way. "Sorry," he appologizes quickly, before continuing, "Anyway, thankfully you don't have any broken ribs, though you might have sprained something up here... you won't be able to take a shit for a while, either."

"I had _no idea._" I say dryly, looking back forward. Becuase I'm flipped around, all I can see is the ugly yellow color of the couch. I hear him sigh behind me.

"Alright... well, I can't do anything for you up there, except say you shouldn't move around so much, and you're gonna need a lot of rest. I can help you with the other stuff, though. The cuts and stuff, I mean. Otherwise you just need cleaned up... and bedrest, which won't be a problem because you can stay here," he said.

I whirl immediately at this, though I instantly regret it (consitering my exposure and all) meeting his gaze full on. He looks kind of casual, actually, though extremely conflicted - I can tell he's trying very hard to look at me as a patient instead of, well, how he usually sees me. As soon as he registers thta I've turned around, though, his face goes white, his entire body tensing. "What?" he blurts, looking shocked.

"I can't stay here," I tell him a little shakily, shaking my head. He frowns at me, opening his mouth to protest, but I hiss, "I _can't _stay here, Matt - you've done enough. Really."

"I haven't!" Matt cries suddenly, startling me. His voice is demanding, a little angry, and more than a little hurt. I jump backwards, ignoring the pain in my arse in responce to the immediate panic that raises in me. As soon as I do his eyes flash with regret, inching back a little and lowering his head, much like a puppy who'd gotten caught chewing on his master's shoes or something. "I... just want to help you, Mells. I love you," he whispers now, trembling slightly.

"Why?" I find myself shouting, my voice going up a few octaves. I don't know why, but I seem to forget where I am or that I'm naked, my hands in fists at my sides. "I'm not even worth it, Matt! I'm sickening, can't you see that!? My brother _raped me. _I lost my virginity to my _brother, _Matt!" The redhead stares at me with wide green eyes, not seeming to comprehend what I'm shouting. I'm not sure what I'm saying either anymore, the words just spilling out, increased by the burning pain. "You shouldn't even see me that way after that!"

"WELL I DO!" Matt screams now, but it's not an angry scream but a desprate one, tears building in his eyes. I'm stunned into silence, a million thoughts clouding my mind. _He still loves you. He still cares. He still wants you. Why? Why? Why?_

_Why... did I expect any diffrent?_

I stare at him bewilderedly, opening my mouth slightly, but I'm unable to reply. The only thing I register is the dull pain throbbing continuously through me and the desprate look on Matt's face as the tears roll down his cheeks. I shiver slightly, somehow appaled by the fact that he's crying, it looks so wrong. Somehow I had never pictured Matt to be one to cry. But here he was, those beautiful pools of green leaking clear water to wet his cheeks.

He shuts his eyes tightly, covering his eyes with his hands - I guess that he's not used to crying, either. But here he is, crying shimmering tears, shaking and trembling but not making a noise, silent sobs racking through him. It's wrong. The look of him crying... it's wrong. A terrible, horrible sense of wrongness strikes through me, right through my chest.

_Wrong._

_Fix it._

Dropping everything I move forward, snaking my arms around his waist and shoving my shoulders in between his arms, moving them apart so that his hands slip away from his eyes as they fly open, wide as dinner plates. I don't see them for more than an instant, becuase I'm tightening my arms around his waist and wiggling in between his arms, unconciously settling curled between his legs. I don't let myself question it, relaxing into him, willing his tears away.

I can't explain it, but it feels right again, me nuzzled against him. A foggy feeling of releif and soothing calmness invades my mind, blocking out everything except the warm, tensed-up body against mine, squeezing my eyes shut and letting out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. He smells like smoke and cheap laundry detergient and very, very faintly of Old Spice. Somehow, it's the most wonderful smell in the world. I'm ready to just fall asleep there, clinging around Matt's waist, when suddenly he speaks.

"Mello...?" he whispers shakily, his tone confused and slightly strangled. I blink my eyes open, the fog that had invaded my mind slowly lifting away, and I realize what I'm doing. Which is hugging Matt. And that I'm naked. And that I'm in a rather compormising, intimate position with him. And that he's blushing like a maniac. And that he's trembling slightly. And that I'm fairly sure he's fighting arousal.

"Mmmm. Dammit," I mutter, shutting my eyes and relaxing against him again, burrying my face in his shirt. "I'm screwed."

"Wonderful choice of words there," Matt grumbles, sounding resentful. I feel a blush creep across my own face now, uncontrollable. The fog in my mind is gone now, but I can't convince myself to move even though I know how rediculous I'm being. I don't _want _to move. Can't rationalize with myself to get off of him and leave him in peace.

"Sorry," I whisper, but don't move away, closing my eyes. I don't release my grip, either, somehow afraid that if I let go he'll be gone, even though I know that isn't true. I feel him shudder again, and when I peek my eyes open again I find that his hands are half way moved, hesitating and stopping in the air, as if not knowing quite what he's suppose to do with them. He sighs, and I look up at him, tilting my head upwards to look at him.

"Please... please get off of me," he says quietly, face burning red. I frown a little without meaning to, finding myself scowling at him. He looks at me with desprate eyes. "Mello, I don't want to touch you - get _off._"

I blink and shift in my place, realizing exactly how i'm pressed against him. _Ohh._

"I'm sorry," I repeat, forcing myself to move away from him. My face is burning. "I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah."

"...how can I--"

"Make it up to me?" He innterupts, cutting me off. I want to protest, but that's actually just exactly what I was going to say, so i can only look down at my knees. "You can stay here and let me take care of you."

I blink, looking up at him with only my eyes. _Is that really all he wants? _It certainly seems crazy to me - I was expecting something terrible. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything horribly perverted or anything, but I thought he'd demand I get the hell out of his sight. But apparently he wants just the opposite, his green eyes flickering with determination.

I can't afford to argue with him now. "Fine. I'll stay," I grumble, looking away. Even though I avert my gaze, I see his grin in my pereferial vision.

"Wonderful."


	11. Chapter 11

_"Come on, Mello, don't be shy! Go on!"_

_I stand outside the car, staring up at the building in front of me. It's big and intimidating, complettely made of red bricks, a sign in the front reading "Baybrook Kindergarten" across the front. The first day of school._

_I'm anxious to go in, afraid of the other children, and I peek over my shoulder at my mother. Hoping for a moment that she'll change her mind and let me stay back for another year or two. But she looks set on sending me in, a curly little smile on her red, glossy lips as she looks at me from the passenger seat. _

_"Go on, sport, you can do it!" _

_It's my father's voice now, from the drivers seat. His eyes are bright and an aquamarine color, his hair dark chocolate brown. He doesn't move at all in his seat, positioned straight up with a posed smile on his lips. His mouth doesn't move when he talks, but at the time it doesn't seem odd to me._

_"Okay!" I say, building up my confidence as I spin around and hurry away, joining the mass of children before I can bring myself to choose otherwise. The children don't have faces, only a mass of brown hair and pale skin, everyone looking the same. But I don't notice at all, marching into the building with new confidence._

_But when I walk in, I freeze. Everyone is staring at me, every single person, even the teacher. Staring at me with dead gray eyes, eyes that seem to see straight into your soul, reading you like a book. Knowing everything about you just by staring you down with that blank look on their faces._

_Near._

_I step back and flee, not quite knowing why I'm afraid. Nobody is chasing me when I turn around, but I know I'm being followed. I'm always being folloewd, everywhere I go. I have to get out... the hallway seems to only be getting longer as I run though, the exit door only getting faurther and faruther away._

_"Mihael, you horrible, horrible boy!" The voice is shreiking and angry, and I spin around to see my brother. It's not his younger version, dispite the fact that I'm still a young boy, and he towers above me, blue eyes ablaze. "Do you know what today is!?"_

_"No?" I squeak, stumbling backwards. I fall on my butt, and when I try to scramble upwards, I realize that I'm stuck, invisible arms holding me down. No escape. _

_"How could you forget? You horrible boy!" he taunts me now, his eyes narrowing as he steps forward towards me. I let out a shreik, trying to move, but I'm frozen. I can't move, can't move at all, arms constricting me..._

_"I don't know! I don't know!" I scream, feeling tears roll down my cheeks as I try to move away. _

_He grins a huge, evil looking grin, brown eyes flickering. But no, that isn't right... my brother doesn't have brown eyes. I choke out another scream and his grin grows wider, almost giddy, and I watch in horror as his skin starts to peel away. Not like a mask, either, but in shreds, blood streaming down his face as he claws at his face. I squirm and fight against the arms, but they're holding me down - but no, they're not arms at all, but chains. I'm chained down, and all I can do is watch as my brother's skin peels away._

_But it's not my brother anymore. It's Jade, her face replacing my brothers as the last of the skin peels away. She has a manic, happy smile on her face, brown eyes dancing horribly. "Do you remember the date, Mel-Mel? Do you remember at all?" she chirps, spinning around and twirling. She's in a slight pink dress that frills at the bottom, flowing around her as she dances around me in circles, her hands motioning around her as if she were swimming._

_Somehow this terrifies me, and I let out another shreik, but no sound escapes. She won't hear me anyway. What day is it!? What day is it!?_

_Why can't i remember?_

_And then Jade isn't Jade anymore, but her skin doesn't peel but __**melt**__, sliding off of her like badly applied eyeshadow. This time I don't shreik, though, because instead of Jade it's Matt now. _

_But something's not right, his eyes closed, just standing there. Limp like a ragdoll, his skin slightly paler than usual. There's a cheshire cat grin on his face, as if it were painted there, not twitching or fading in or out at all, as if he were but a picture fixed in time. _

_I gasp and pull at my restraints, only to find that they're not there anymore, and I'm free. Jumping to my feet I dash towards him, feeling my legs weak underneith me, but I manage to get to him anyway, reaching out and grabbing his shoulders. He flinches under my touch, his smile vanishing to a little, confused half smile._

_"Matt, Matt, what is the date? What is today?" I cry, shaking his shoulders. Trying to make him open his eyes and look at me. Where are his goggles? The thought is blank and out of place, but I wonder none the less. _

_The smile returns on his face, and he whispers to me, "Mello, I love you..." _

_And then his eyes fly open, but they're not his eyes. In fact, they're not anyone's eyes at all - just gaping black holes in his face, his emerald green beautiies gone and replaced with nothingness._

_I let out a shattering scream, the hallways of my kindergarten memories shatteiring like china as I stumble away from him, falling backwards and onto my butt. I'm no longer restrained, but I find that I can't convince myself to move, trembling uncontrollably. Matt doesn't seem to notice his lack of eyes, moving his head slowly to follow me. He can see me, I realize, and a smiel inches across his face. How can he see me if he has no eyes?_

_"Matt, PLEASE!" I feel myself scream, and suddenly I'm not five anymore but sixteen, my normal present self, scooting backwards into the blackness that has replaced the school that was surrounding us before. Matt turns to me, his mouth going to form an 'o' of surprize._

_Then there's a blurr of red and black and he's suddenly right beside me, his face inches from mine, those gaping black holes inches from my own eyes. Staring straight at me, even though he can't see. I let out a shreik, but no sound comes out._

_He grins at me, tilting his head to the side. _

_"Wake up, Mello."_

I shreik and jerk my head upwards, flying upwards and throwing my arms out in a panic, my eyes flying open, heart pounding at abnormal speeds in my chest. "Matt!" I cry out before I can bring myself to proper bearings, finding myself drenched in cold sweat, my breath shaky and trembling as I whirl back and forth, examing the space around me.

Where was I? I was in a bed, a double bed with rumpled gray sheets. The space beside me is still tucked in, meaning I had sleapt in this unfirmiliar bed by myself. Slowly, my heart rate slows down, drumming back to it's usual rate.

_Matt's house. You're in Matt's house._

"Mello!?" Speak of the devil, Matt bursts into the room, his eyes huge and full of panic. He's in nothing but a towel, dripping wet and looking very much like a wet dog, his red hair a messy mop on his head.

I blink, looking at him blankly. "You are naked," I note, trying to resist both urges i feel - the urge to laugh at him, and the urge to check him out. I find myself unable to resist the former, though, a giggle escaping my mouth before I can help it. And apparently I can't resist the later, either, because my eyes scan his body without permission. I can't see anything wait-down (except his legs) but i get full veiw of his chest, which is surprizingly toned and muscled, though not in a buff kind of way but in a slender kind of way. He's dripping wet, too, water running down his arms, legs, and chest in a strangely appealing way... _woah. Snap out of it, idiot. Mind out of gutter - you are not gay._

"Oh my god," Matt cries in exasperation, pulling the towel more tightly over himself, glaring at me with a burning blush on his face. "I thought you were dying in here, screaming my name like that."

Oh, right. The nightmare.

He turns to return to whatever he had been doing - showering, i assume - but I speak up quickly, "Matt?"

"...yes Mello?" he says after a moment's hesitation, looking over his shoulder at me.

I shift in my seat, biting my lip. "What is today?"

He frowns. "I dunno. April second, I think. Why?" He sounds confused, but not irritated - he's been amazingly attenative in the time i've been here. I hate to admt it, but I've been kind of milking it, too - he pretty much waits on me hand and foot. Not that I can really do it myself anyway - I can barely move. I mean, I _can, _but he always panics when I try and shoves me back down, scolding me about not wanting to reopen my wounds, so it's not worth the effort anyway. He even carried me to the bath (luckily he let me do THAT myself) which was obscenely embaressing (you think its bad to be carried around bridal style, imagine doing it NAKED) but really I was kind of greatful, even though I bit him on the shoulder for it, in revenge. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but he's beeen incredible in that way. I guess it's thanks to his kindness and all around carefulness he showed yesterday afternoon that I feel mostly better this morning, only a dull pain in my rear area to remind me that I'm in horrid condition.

"April second..." I mutter, screwing up my face. "Good friday."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess so," he says casually, frowning. "So?"

I slowly remember. _Of course. Good Friday. _I close my eyes, shaking my head slowly. I can feel him looking at me expectantly though, and there's no use lying.

"It's the day my father died," i tell him quietly. He blinks, looking surprized - I'd never mentioned him to him before this.

"Oh. I'm sorry," he says quietly, lingering in the door. He looks like he wants to hug me or something, but of course he doesn't, since he's pretty occupied trying to keep the towel from slipping. I shrug and shake my head.

"Don't be," I tell him, shrugging again. "I was only two. I don't remember him."

"Oh. That still sucks, though."

I shake my head again, glaring down at my feet. "No. He raped my mom," I tell her bluntly, scowling at my feet. "She only stayed around because she cared about Gabriel."

"Just Gabriel?" He sounds surprised and kind of appaled. I nod.

"Just Gabriel. I was a mistake," I tell him quietly, scowling at my feet again. "She got pregnant when he raped her once. She almost died, he beat her so bad after that. I know, because Gabriel told me the story, back before he... before he turned into such a jerk, I guess."

I peek up at Matt, and he shifts uncomfortably, looking rather horified. I squirm, shutting my eyes again. "Keep them closed," Matt suddenlyt ells me. I tilt my head in surprize, but I don't object, and I hear him move around, a little whumping sound of something or another hitting the ground.

I don't know what compels me, but I peek. I should have known he was changing, but I couldn't help it - I'm kind of a creep like that. He's not facing me, and he's just pulling on a striped t-shirt over his head, but I get a good look at his ass before I shut my eyes again.

He does have a nice ass.

Ew. Weird thought there. Still, I can't help but let a grin slip through onto my face, but the giddiness is short lived when I remember what we were talking about. _Gabriel. Mother. Father. _The smile fades.

"Okay, you can open, I'm clothed," Matt tells me, and I open my eyes again, just in time to see him plop onto the bed beside me. At first I flinch away, but then I relax again - I'm not naked anymore, obviously, instead in one of his oversized striped t-shirts and boxers. I'm not wearing any pants, because his don't fit me and I don't want to wear anything uncomfortable consitering my condition. Matt never said anything, but I think he was kind of secretly happy I was wearing his clothes.

I smirk at him, poking him teasingly in the ribs. "You were hoping I would peek, weren't you?" I accuse.

To my surprise, he smirks back, eyes crinckling slightly as he grins at me, eyes glimmering with contempt. "You _did _peek, I saw you," he announces, the smirk growing wider on his face when I gasp, a blush burning across my face.

"I didn't know you were changing," I blurt, covering my face with horror at being caught. He bursts into laughter, throwing his head back slightly as he laughs at my expense. I burry my face in my hands, trying to hide a blush and the embaressed grin that's spreading across my face.

"I didn't really see you, but that's priceless that you actually did!" Matt cries, clapping his hands and laughing like a maniac. I stick my tounge out at him, peeking through my hands. He looks truely amused and kind of pleased, though, which makes me feel better. At least slightly.

"Jerk," I grumble, throwing a pillow out from behind him and smacking him in teh face with it. He only laughs harder.

"Bitch," he retorts, but it's not in a cruel way, instead in a giddy, laughing-whlie-speaking kind of tone, the grin not retreating from his face.

"Always," I confirm, grinning at him. He rolls his eyes, and as he does I remember the cake place. It was just that short of a time ago that we were just laughing and happy, just like this. Just like this, only minus a slutty waitress and plus a hey-look-I'm-staying-in-your-house-with-you-because-I-got-raped-by-my-brother-and-your-in-love-with-me-so-you-are-helping-like-an-awesome-person and I-just-checked-out-your-ass-and-admitted-to-it added on.

"You know," he said suddenly, smiling only slightly as he wrinkles his nose, eyebrows crinckling. "I never had a father either."

I blink at him. "Really?"

"Yeah," he says, nodding and shrugging his shoulders. "I was a bastard. One night stand. I met him, once, because of a reunite-with-your-parents site thing I did. But he didn't really want anything to do with me - he was a junkie, so to speak. A gay junkie, actually." I wrinkle my nose in confusion, and he laughs uneasily. "Yeah, apparently Amanda was the only girl he ever slept with. Anyway, he just wanted to meet me, I guess. I haven't seen him since."

"That's erally sad," I murmer, blushing slightly. He chuckles half heartedly, giving me a look.

"_That's _really sad? Mell, you're the one who got your ass raped, no offense. You don't have to feel sorry for me," he tells me firmly, shaking his head.

I scowl at him. "But I _do _feel sorry for you. Don't ruin my sympathy, jerk."

He laughs, for real this time. "Okay, sorry."

I shift in my seat and scowl at my feet, but the actual irritation that had been there was gone now, just the expression lingering on my face. I found myself wanting to know more, and I muttered so under my breath.

He blinks. "What?" he asks, tilting his head at me.

"I said what about the rest of your family?" I say a bit louder, looking up at him. He blinks in surprise, shifting in his seat a bit uncomfortably, as if the matress had suddenly turned into a bed of rocks.

After a second of staring at me he shrugs, looking away. I glare at him, prodding his shoulder expectantly, the urge to know almost overbearing. "Come on, Matty, If you get to know my deep dark secrets I get to know yours, too."

He cracks a smile at this.

And then it vanishes, gone as soon as it had appeared, and he speaks.

"Obviously there's my mom, Martha. Martha, she's.... she's kind of.... well, it's hard to explain. She was pretty much a great mom when I was younger, till I was about eight. She'd go on adventures with me in the woods, behind our apartment, and we'd play together all the time and watch movies on Saturdays in front of the big screen.

"But then I... well, then I turned eight." A sad little smile creeps along his lips, and he continues, "My mom remarried to this other guy, a real rich kind of person named Mark. They were the perfect couple to everyone else - Martha and Mark, love at first sight on the beach of San Fransisco on a business trip, always romantic, each with one child before they each remarried to each other, constantly happy and lovey-dovey with each other in public. They were the perfect couple, everyone said so.

"I didn't think so. Mark, frankly, is a total manwhore. He's stiff as cardboard, really, and boring as hell. Kind of old, too, and... well, he was really predjudice and mean. His daughter Kate was a bitch, too. Martha told me a million times that i ws just being stupid, and that I needed to get used to having a new 'daddy' around. I had to call Mark daddy, too, in those days, because it was apparently disrespectful not to. At first, I beleived her. Figured she was right, and i just neeed time to settle in to a new town, a new house, and a new family.

"But then things started happening. Martha stopped playing with me, stopped taking me places, stopped coming to my school things. She speant more time with Mark, everything with Mark - always getting him cofee or cudling with him on the couch or cooking him dinner or drinking beers with him or just always, always, always being with him. She even speant more time with Kate, her stepdaughter who didn't even like her that much, more than me - she would go shopping with her, play with her, always take her side in arguments. I'm not just exxagerating like a baby, though - it got to the point where she would sometimes ignore me altogether. Sure, she'd play the 'loving mother' role and throw money at my face, bying me a car on my fourteenth birthday because, hell, we were rich and even though I couldn't drive I could at least have it for when i was older. She'd give me anything I wanted, unless that thing I wanted was to spend time with her, or to hang out with her alone for once. She'd never do that.

"It wasn't just my mom. Weird things started happenig, terrible things. I was nine, and I was sitting there on the porch, and Mark was coming down the side walk for his jog, and he ran into one of the neighbors, one of the Karens, . He bumped right into her - he wasn't watching where he was going, it wasn't her fault, even, I remember. And at first I thought he was going to appologize, but instead he hissed, 'watch your step, nigger.' Just like that. I remember gasping and moving to slap him, but he glared at her and walked away before she could even protest. I asked my mom what it meant, too, and told her what happened. I know that, when i was six or seven, before she met Mark, she would have died if I asked her what that meant. Now she just said, 'it's a word for very bad people, Matt, it's a word for black people.' Just like that. Casual as anything.

"I was... about fourteen when I realized I was gay."

I blinked at this, my breath caught in my lungs as he spoke. He pauses, looking at me a little queasily, as if to say 'sorry if that's awkward.' I shake my head, motioning with my hands for him to continue. He nods and, closing his eyes, he continues.

"So... it was the summer after my eighth grade year. It started in sixth grade that everyone started calling this one boy, Alex, a faggot. As if he even knew if he was gay or not back then, but he wore shorter shorts than the other boys and kind of had the... erm, the gay lisp. If you know what I'm talking about," he says, peeking at me. I nod - i do know what he's talking about. "And most of his friends were girls, too. So alot of people suspected that he was gay. I was one of those people, I admit - I didn't make fun of him or anything, I was pretty much a nerd myself, though girls liked me okay. I was one of those nerds that people liked to have around, cool enough to hang out with but not cool enough to be consitered popular. I didn't fit in with people like that, anywya, and never really had many friends.

"Anyway Alex, he was pretty much labeled as 'the gay kid' by the time I was in eighth grade. I felt real bad for him, since he was pretty much shunned by the guys. Girls liked him alot though - not in the dating sense or the crushing sense, but in the lol-be-my-gay-guy-friend sense. He didn't mind that, though I could tell he really did try to get people to beleive he wasn't gay, even though he pretty much was. I was his only friend, for hte most part, that was actually a guy. We weren't exactly close, we just played video games together from time to time and were lab partners and stuff. School friends, mostly.

"But anyway I remember... that summer, I was having my growth spurt and all, and I was getting kind of pissy because I wasn't getting as tall as I was hoping - as you can see right now, I never really did," I roll my eyes at this - he isn't _that _short - and he continues, "But anyway this chick named Paige invited everyone to this party, and of course Kate was invited because she's 'super cool.' Martha made me tag along, even though I wanted to stay home and play some zelda game, and Kate grumbled teh entire time about it. Paige wasone of her best friends, and she kept complaining that she had to bring her lame stepbrother the entire way, even though really Paige was one of the girls who ocasionally flirted with me for sport.

"So we showed up at the party and, even though we were only fourteen, apparently Paige and her 'super coolness' somehow smuggled some Budlight into the party. Everyone was drinking it, even some of the lamer kids, so I figured, what the hey? I'm not driving anyway! So I chugged one or two, mostly becuase I was bored and had nobody to talk to. But then something weirder happened. Alex was suddenly there and walzed over to me, like some kind of catwalk diva. Now, let me tell you, he wasn't nearly as appealing as you are - " I scowl a little at this comparison, but really i'm flattered " - but he actually looked pretty hot that night, possibly partially becuase of my slight intoxication. He was in these tight short black shorts and a white tank top - i don't think he was even trying to not be gay anymore - and his hair all chopped off from that ugly mess it was durring the school year into a cute little bob and... well anyway, long story very, very short... I ended up making out with him on the porch."

I find myself blushing dispite myself, immediately embaressed for him. He chuckles a little, seeming to be lost in the memory. "I don't know really what came over me - actually, I do, hormones and testosterone, but i didn't know _at the time._ It was pretty crazy, I wans't realy thinking straight, and I had him trapped on the porch swing and we were kissing like the world was ending, though we were young, unexperienced, and kinda drunk so I coulnd't really tell you if we were kissing _well._ But anyway, to put it breifly, Kate found me.

"Ha. You should have seen her face - she turned pale as a ghost, her mouth going slack and opened. I immediately detached from Alex - who, by the way, was pretty much my first crush, in case you were wondering and/or I forgot to mention it - immediately freaking out and begging her not to tell Martha. I feel bad now - Alex was kind of heartbroken that night, becuase it looked alot like I regretted it.

"Obviously, Kate _did _tell Martha. She wasn't supportive, obviously. In fact she grabbed me by the hair, dragged me into the bathroom, and scrubbed out my mouth with soap. It was awful. It hurt. I vomited for about an hour, trying to get the soap out of my system - the entire time my mom was screaming at me, telling me that no son of _her's _was going to turn into no fag, and rah rah rah about God. Which, by the way, she didn't even beleive in before Mark rolled around.

"I cried for a while after that. I won't go into detail or anything, but um... I got really depresed. Mark came in and yelled at me, too, basically the same lecture, only he added in some bullshit about me being sick and that he would get me fixed if it was the last thing he did. Obviously, he never did.

"Alex was super sad, but obviously first loves never last anyway. We had our second and third dates, which were cute and fun and mostly involved hugs and secret kisses behind closed doors, hiding from our parents since I had promised to never do anything sinfully gay again and he hadn't come out of the closet yet. But we broke it off after Mark moved us again, this time down here. It's pretty much been this way after that, always. Obviously, when i turned sixteen I moved out."

I blinked at him, bewildered. I found myself longing for more about him, craving more information. I also feel sympathy for him, letting out a shuddering exhale.

"That's horrible," I tell him quietly. When he opens his mouth to probobly protest, I continue hurriedly, "I mean, I really... I could't imagine. I mean, my mom.. she never really cared. Like, ever. At least... at least I don't have anything to miss, you know? You had everthing, and then it just kinda.... poofed. That would suck alot."

Matt looks at me sadly, biting his lip and pushing hair from my eyes. Before he can talk again, i feel myself blurting, "So what happened after Alex?"

He rasies an eyebrow at me, a tiny smirk on his face. "You want to know about my _dating life?_" he asks, letting out a chuckle. I blush a little, but shrug, laghing a little too. "Fine, I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

I smirk at him. "You've already seen mine."

"Jerk. So not what I meant."

"I know. But this won't be a fair trade, I don't date alot..." It was true. My lst was very small.

He laughs a little, leaning back and looking upa t the ceiling. "Ah, that's okay, I don't mind," he says wistfully, looking upwards and starting back on his talking again. I settle into the bed, listening to his story happily. "After Alex there was... Brad, i think his name was. Or maybe Bryan. Anyway, I met him in the airport." He chuckles a little, shaking his head. "We actually just kind of met because our flights got delayed and we were both getting sodas or coffee or something, some little store of some sort. He said something plesant about my ass, I told him to fuck off, and then somehow he ended up pinned to the wall and we were making out behind a magazine rack." I stare at him, wide eyed - I hadn't expected him to be so wild, really, and I was actually kind of impressed. He laughs at my expression. "Yeah. Bryan or Brad or Whatever his name was was super fun.

"And then there was Cassie... yeah, she was a girl. Not nearly as fun as Bryan, she lasted about two days. Mark so kindly hooked us up. She was from Tenesse and she had this horrible accent, and she clash-teethed when she kissed. I think my gums still have bruises - we only kissed once, and I didn't let it happen again. I really only dated her to make Martha happy - it didn't work. APparently she wnated us to immediately fall in love and get married or something.

"Grayson was after her, and was... erm, well, actually at the _same time _as Cassie. One of Kate's boyfriends, too, or at least ex-boyfriends. They broke up in the middle of a family dinner, her girlfriend for about three weeks, becuase he pulled her aside and confessed that he wasn't actually ready for a steady relatioship. She slapped him, and he squeaked like a puppy who'd been kicked. It was pretty terrible, and Kate marched away sobbbing like a drama queen, even though she was cheating on him with some guy from the Catholic school down the street anyway, and my parents followed her out. For one reason or another - mostly becuase I hate Kate, partially because Grayson looked so sad and adorable, I followed him instead as he went racing out the door. When i cornered him behind this big old oak tree I got him to confess, and turns out - viola! - he's not really unprepared for a relationship, it was that he didn't want a relationship with _her. _Or anyone with a vagina, for that matter.

"So, long story to be short, we started kind of secret-dating. It was very Romeo and Juliet, except we werne't really in love and we wern't really dating, either, just kind of sneaking out on ocasion and making out. I lost my virginity to him - I was tops the first time - HA - but then he also topped me once. Only once, though...." Insert defensive sniff here. "Anyway he stole both kinds of my virginity. Though I wouldn't call it _stole _since he was damn good. But anyway, he moved to Canada, so the little fling stopped and I had to vent my pissiness at Kate through cutting the straps on her bras in the middle of the night instead of sleeping with her ex again.

"Then there was Adam, who was this super hot Brittish kid. He was a year younger than me, I was fifteen and he was fourteen, and we had a cute little relationship. We got ice cream and shit, and it was really nice, but it was nothing exciting or anything. He was a sweet kind of guy, and we had fun on our picnics and shit, but really he wasn't anything impressive and he only lasted about a week.

"Next was Chris. He was... pretty much a total hotscicle. I fell for him a little too fast, but not in the same way as you - really i just kind of wanted in his pants. He was a football player and kind of a badass in his reputation. So I kinda chased him down at this party - which i wasn't really invited to, by the way - and one way or another I ended up pinned to a bed, kissing and fumbling and shit. I was, um, almost sixteen. He was basically naked and me almost, except then somebody came in, some stranger from the Catholic school down the street, and he bolted. He demanded that I came on to him - which wasn't exsactly true, I flirted with him and he had _me _pinned to the bed. Basically, he protclaimed himself tottaly un-gay. When I asked him about it later, he just told me it was 'an experiment' and, long story shrt, i was the test monkey. It kind of stung.

"I got over it though, because then there was Darry. He was one of Leon's friends, a drag queen. He - or she - prefered to be called Danielle and wore dresses and leggings and winked at everyone. He tottaly couldn't pass as a girl, but he was a very, very feminine man. Or rather, boy, since regrettably he was only fourteen and I was nearly sixteen. Still, we had our little thing, and I sort of...shamefully stole his virginity."

I blink at him, suddenly a little horrified. But of course, it wasn't hte way i origonally took it, and he shakesh is head, blushing obscenely. "It wasn't like I raped him, don't flip a switch. Danielle actually showed up pretty much naked in the guest room of one of Katy's parties, and I couldn't really control myself. It was actually really amazing - partially because he was _him _and partially because it was on Katy's bed, which was sweet victory."

"T-M-I," I tell him, rolling my eyes, but I'm grinning beccause I secretly kind of wanted to know.

"Sorry," he apologizes, then continues, "Anyway, he was really wonderful and was kind of my first actual love, unless you count Alex but he was just kind of a crush. It was puppy-love, I guess, and he was kind of like a kitten. It was great, till.. well, till Mark found us on the couch one day, making out with an obvious lack of shirt garments. At first he thought Danielle was a girl, I think, but she - er, I guess he, even though she _was _a drag and preferred she, so I called her that in conversastion with other people ocasinally, at least at the time - but then blew up when I turned and it was obvious Dannielle was lacking, um, in the chest area. He threw me off of him and slapped him across the face, screaming at him to go to ehll and leave his family alone. He started crying... it was really really awful. I'm fairly sure my heart shattered. I tried to shove past Mark and rescue him, to pull him off the couch and save him like I wanted to, but Mark shoved me down and I hit my head on the cofee table. I'm not sure what happened after that, except I guess he scared Danielle really badly, because I've never spoken to him again."

I shirnk a little, feeling horrible for him. "I'm sorry," I whisper quietly, feeling tiny tears in my eyes. And, for a moment, anger at Danielle for ditching him - but then again, secretly, I'm... slightly glad. Guiltily, but I am. Otherwise, where would I be right now?

Matt sighs and shakes his head, warpping his arm around my waist. "I lived. I found you," he adds, then shakes his head, grimmacing, as if jus remembering we wern't dating and I wasn't a replacement for Danielle. "Forget I said that. But anyway...

"Anyway, well, you know Leon. My lovely drag-clothing designing, total-queen pervert of a friend that hits on me constantly. He's a pretty great guy, actually, but he's annoying too. We dated for about a mounth, but we had kind of conflicting personalities in the end, and it didn't work out. He's still fake-angry that he didn't ever sleep with me though, but I know he's just teasing now. Anyway, we had lots of fun, but it didn't last. We dated three individual times, but they were short little flings and were really just our friendship only with sex. He was pretty much the only person who topped me about as much as when he didn't, which was kind of shocking since he's a total Queen, but whatever. We're still friends and he's still determined to whisk me away, but that's not going to work ever. We just don't fit that way.

"After I moved out there was Paul. He was a monster, super tall, and it was kind of uncomfortable. It made me feel like such an uke. Except he was really quiet and timid and hated confrontation, so he would've been bottom anyway more than likely, but we never got faurther than kissing.

"There was Chad, who I met in a bar and then never met again, but we danced like maniacs and had sex in a broom closet, which was pretty awesome. Yeah, I'm a hoe, don't glare at me.

"Then there was Chris. He was fun until I found out he was dating four other guys and two girls on the side, so I dropped him like a sack of potatoes.

"And then I just kind of lagged. I think there were a few little dates and stuff that I'm leaving out, but nothing memorable. Then...."

He shrugged, tightening his grip around my waist and jumping me back to reality and out of my state of zoned out picturing. I couldn't help but picture him dating other people, and for one reason or another it kind ofmade my stomach churn. But the feeling vanished when he squeezed me a little, a regetful look in his eyes. "Then I took a little trip to a gas station to grab some smokes and I met this really hot blonde guy on a motorcycle, and I fell in love with him way too fast, because he had the face of an angel and the personality of a spit-fire bitch with a secret softie-heart and an extremely adorable addicion to chocolate," His eyes danced and he smiled at me, adding, "A.K.A. I met you."

I feel myself blush and i burry my face in the blanket. "Noooo.... don't make me sound so fabulous!" I cry, shaking my head. He laughs again.

"I can't help it, you are!" Matt cried, laughing. I groan again, hiding under the blanket.

"Your list is so longgg..." i whine, hiding under the blankets and kicking my feet, pouting shamelessly. "I don't want to share mine anymoreeee...."

"That's because I'm a sleezebag. Tell me," Matt insists, shoving my shoulder playfully. I peek out from under the covers, glaring at him.

"Fine. But it's not very exciting," I warn him, shaking my head, then cough to clear my throat bfore speaking. "I guess frist was... Kristen. She was this cute little girl in fourth grade, and I don't really think she counts becaue all we had relationship-wise was her chasing me around on the playground, pulling my hair and teasing me. I always jerked on her braids because she pissed me off. But anyway, the only erason I mention her is because she insisted on kissing me randomly on the playground, so she was my first kiss," I shake my head pathedically. "I sockd her int he nose for it."

"Aww, mean!" Matt cried, but he's laughing dispite himself.

"Yeah. Um, so I didn't really date at all until about sixth grade, when i was... er, i think 12. Some girl named Yuuki Myers, some chinese girl with about a zillion popularity points. I guess we just kind of got together becuase I was the popular, mysterious hot guy and she was the ultra-popular rich girl who got what she wanted. We went to some dance together, and I pretty much got blackmailed into kissing her. It only lasted a second though, because some jock poured soda on our heads. I kicked him where it counted."

"Do all your kisses end in violence?" he giggled, and I glare at him, kicking him in the knee.

"Yes, yes they do," I hiss, even though it's a lie. He grins. "Anyway, after that was Terry, but she only lasted two periods because really it was just her asking me out and then going back on the offer because she was Yuuki's B-F-F-F-F or something like that.

"And then there was seventh grade, when i had four girlfriends who's names I don't recall, though I'm pretty sure one of them was Laura and we made out in the gym after school. I didn't actually want to, and she was a good deal taller than me, but she did and I was tierd of the 'fag' jokes so I went with it. The other three were one of those short little things where you hodl hands and announce "L-O-L GUYS WE ARE SO DATING NOWS!' but we don't really do anything important or memorable.

"Eighth grade was alot more fun. It was the year before I trasnferred to Wammys, and I was alrady invited, so I pretty much just went crazy. First I went out with this nerdy, artsy girl, which wasn't really 'crazy' when I say it, but she was very, very weird. Fun as hell, though, and we had alot of fun. We didn't do any more than little kisses, but that was okay, since I'm not into relationships for the sex usually, unlike SOME people..." Matt grunted, grinning and shaking his head. "But we broke up after a while.

"Then I went out with this goth chick, Tina, a.k.a. Darkfire - her goth name, apparently. That's how I got the name Mello, by teh way - I hated Mihael and so she demanded I come up with another one. I don't remember how we came up with "Mello" but we did, and I like it anyway. She was super fun to hang out with , but it was slightly awkward because she was Bi - probobly actually full out lesbian who flirted with me because I had long hair - so most of her friends were actually ex-girlfriends and she was a lot more masculine than me --"

"I can't beleive ou just admitted a lesbian flirted with you..." Matt interupts underhis breath, but he's looking at me expectantly for a continuation.

I ignore him. "--so when we kissed I was pretty much the one pinned to the bed. It lasted until.... well, until my brother started... raping me."

Matt flinched, eyes growing so large they were seeming to threaten to coer his entire face, drowning me in emerald green. "That... that long...." Matt whispered shakily, seeming disbeleving. I shrug, nodding my head.

"Yeah. So anyway... I lost the gift of virginity in the worst way possible. I started getting really anxious about everything, and I couldn't handle having Tina as a girlfriend anymore, because she was kind of.. rough, so to speak. So we broke up. We were friends for a while, though.

"Morgan was next, and she was this really tomboyish girl. She actually looked alot like a guy, which was why most people didn't like her much. But she was actally pretty cute, at least to me. It was a little odd though, because - admittedly - i look kind of... um... girly. And she looked very NON girly. So we were an odd match. She wasn't masculine inside, though, and so she wasn't really that physcial and kind of kept her distance.

"Now, don't be jealous or feel freaked, but I went out for a guy for a day." Matt's eyes bogled, and i can see the jealousy in his eyes immediately. I chuckle. "He was a really cool guy, too, some waitor. I was very drunk, and I sarted flirting with him without really thinking about it. But nothing really hapend, bcause he was kind of physical and even though we made out for five minates in the kichen, he grabbed my ass and, since i'd been raped rescently and all, i realized very quickly what I was doing and that he was a _man _and so i ditched."

Matt gives me a kind of sad look, and I shrug, face burning. I decide to leave out the part where I had been feeling the waitor-guy up and tottaly, tottaly enjoying hte moment before the ass-grabbing reality-chcek. Yes, much better to leave that out.

"Then there was Wammys, of course, and the rankings and all. Actually, I only had one girlfriend though, first year girlfriend named Maggie Shoemaker, but it was a small thing and.... well the raping kind of got more frequent, so i started avoiding all encounters with the opposite sex and/or gay guys. Admittedly, bleive it or not, I was kind of.... a hoe, though.

"As in I flirted with everyone. That's what I do, at Wammys. I'm not really interested in any of them, but I flash smiles and wink and flirt and dance and ha-ha and so forth. Admittedly, not to make you all emo or hopeful or anything, but I've flirted with a few guys in my time after watior dude, but I wasn't intersted in them at all - it was basically just Triston, who thought i was a girl at the time, and Jay, who's the biggest gay i thought i'd ever meet, and then I met you and was proven wrong." Matt scowled at this, but I'm only teasing, and i give him a smile. I'm relevied when he returns it. "So i didn't really date anyone. Well... except Jade.

"Jade.... well, you know Jade." He nods, but he's looking at me expectantly, and I know I have to explain. "Well, these two guys at my lunch table, L and Light, they're both gay. But Light's got a girlfriend, Misa - total hoe - and they're both burried so far in teh cloest they can see their asses sticking out in Narnia. So anyway they were fighting eaven though they've secretly got this thing going on, and my ass was hurting like a fire, and Misa was being a hoe, and I was ding of pain. And well, apparently ther was this... this _gash _in my neck, because Gabe threw a bottle at me and the glass cut my neck. So Beyond, this other guy - also gay - leans over, and he's basically the injury-expert because he's just morbid like that, and he's like 'hey look, a wound!' and - this sounds creepy, but it's not really becuas that's juts how BB is - he reaches over and pokes it, then ends up licking ht eblood off. Everyone freaks out, except for his boyfriend, A, who looks all unconcerned. And everyones like 'omigod what's wrong mello!?' and I'm freaking out. Because I don't want to tell them. So i make a mad-dash - or rather, mad hobble - out of the cafeteria.

"Well, nobody follows me because they're too caught up in their own shit to really care that much, except for Jade. Because there's this girls-chocie dance we have to do, and she asks me an dall. ANd then she kissed me. And then... well you know the rest."

I sigh and close my mouth, shaking my head slowly. Matt's grimmacing slightly, his gaze empathedic. He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. "But anyway, then I guess...." I trail off, scrunching my nose slightly in concentration, almost too stubborn to say it, but I mutter anyway, "Then I guess I have you. And I guess you're the only one who really cared."

I'm a little afraid to look up and see his reaction, but i peek upwards anyway. He's staring at me with sparkling green eyes, mouth open just slightly in disbeleif. He seems... a little overjoyed, actually. Thrlled. And then the thrill in his eyes is gone, and it's replaced with regret. But the warmth is still there in his eyes dispite the evacuation of the thrill, and I know what he's thinking. He's thinking excatly what I am. _You don't return the feelings._

...._do you?_

I frown, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I'd never really though too hard about it before. Hadn't alloewd myself to. But now I have to wonder... why is it that I'm so comfortable with him? Why do I care so much? Why does my heart skip a beat when he whispers in my ear? Why does my heart rush when his lips come too close to mine? Why is he the first one I go to, the only one I trust? Why do I chcek out his ass even though I claim i'm not gay? Why is he the only one who's opinion I truly care about?

"Are you okay, Mello?" he said quietly, brushing the hair away from my face. I pause before shaking my head, grimmacnig.

"No, I'm not, Matt," I say firmly, then turn, glaring at him. Bt there's a smile creeping across my face ,and I can't keep up the stern, esrious face. "I'm out of chocolate."

Matt laughs and rolls his eyes, but he doesn't complain. Because he never does. "I'm on it..."

**A/N: Aren't I evil? *eyebrow waggle* waiting for that loving confession still, aren't you? Well too bad D: ITS NEVER HAPPENING! BWAHAHAHA!**

**...lol jk. It'll come eventually XD possibly. if mello makes it out of hte denial stage. TwT; which he might not....**

**XD my favorite part in this one is Matt's extensive list of boyfriends. LOL MATT U MANWHORE *la***


	12. Chapter 12

Running through a forest, donning a sword at my side, in a god ugly green outfit I go; slicing through the trees and brush that are in my way, along with the crap-hole monsters that get in my way and refuse to just leave me alone. I really have no idea where I'm headed, because that annoying little imp that follows me around won't just give in and tell me, and neither will the redhead. There's annoying creepy ugly monster things pretty much everywhere, and I swipe at them with irritation, trying to make them go away, but to no avail.

"WHY WON'T IT DIE!?" I screech, smashing my sward forward over and over. The creature moans in pain and frustration, but it doesn't lose any life.

Matt's beside me, rolling his eyes and leaning back against the ugly yellow couch. "You have to aim better than that if you're going to kill it..." he tells me, obviously amused.

I growl in frustration and try again, but I only fail - the stupid aim is completely off, I decide. Howling in frustration I throw my remote at the screen on instinct, only to have the strap secure on my arm and jerk my wrist.

"SHIT!"

"Mello!" Matt cries, grabbing my arm to keep me from jerking at it again and ruining his precious television. I struggle in his arms but it's no use, because my anger at the game is pretty much nothing compared to the pain as I stumble slightly. "Fuck, Mell ... don't try to throw things at my television!" he scolds, "and don't move around so much, you're going to reopen your wounds."

"Well, it's your stupid game's fault," I grumble, even though I know it's ridiculous to think that way. Matt chuckles despite my idocity, depositing me on the couch - still surprisingly comfortable, which is probably the reason he bought it - and sits down beside me. I rip off the strap that was holding my wrist hostage and wing the remote across the room, and it lands with a _WHUMPH_ on the carpet, but I can tell it's not damaged.

Matt plops down beside me, a little too close by most 'man' standards, but close enough for me. It's nice to have him at close proximity, actually, our shoulders brushing just barely. It reminds me he's there, and to stay in the present. Makes me feel safe, I guess. I'd never actually admit to that, though, because I _am _a guy, and anyway I'm much too badass to be talking about things like that. (Even though I totally just did this morning, but whatever, screw you and your specific-ness.)

I lean over to grab a piece of chocolate, but I don't get the chance, Matt snatching it before I can sit up and giving it to me, smiling knowingly. I scowl a little - he's too good at knowing what I want, and even though that's nice, sometimes I stubbornly want to do things myself. Really, he's right and I should be sitting still, but I'm a total hyperactive spit-fire, and I hate sitting still. Anyway, I take the chocolate and eat it hungrily, relishing in the addictive taste.

"I told Leon how you're staying at my house," Matt informs me, leaning back against the couch cushions. I blink, looking at him curiously. I remember him talking about Leon - he sounded like a pretty cool guy, even if he was a perv or whatever. "Before you woke up, on my phone," he explains.

I smirk a little. "What'd he think of that?" I ask, picturing the conversation in my mind. From my understanding of things, Leon would no doubt take things the wrong way. Matt chuckles, seeming to see my train of thought.

"He was pretty much just stunned," Matt told me through his chuckle, a dimpled grin across his face. I chuckle a little too - well, okay, giggle, but shut up. "Oh, and he might be coming over today, if he can get away from work. He insists on meeting you." I startle a little, surprised by this - I'd never really considered ever meeting Matt's friends, even though he'd met mine. He gives me a guilty little half-shrug, probably misreading my surprise. "Sorry. He's kind of... impulsive. If you want me to, I can ask him to wait..."

"No!" I find myself blurting, a tiny blush across my cheeks. Matt blinks in surprise, and I continue hastily, "I want to meet him. Really, I think it'd be cool to meet your friends."

Matt frowns at me, but it's obvious he's fighting a smile. "My friend's are kind of crazy," he tells me a little sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders again. There's a blush on his face, and my smirk grows wider across mine.

"Come on, Matt, you've met all _my _friends, don't be stingy with yours," I accuse, poking him in the stomach. Matt laughs a little, rolling his eyes.

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn--"

Suddenly there's a banging on the door, angry and persistent. Matt blinks, making a face, and I startle a little. "I didn't buzz anyone up..." Matt mutters in confusion, standing up, then stops, his face paling slightly. I blink, frowning at him.

"What is it?" I ask, squirming in my seat to look up at the door.

"Oh, well, there's only one person it can be, and that's my friends...." Matt muttered, shaking his head. "They forged a key."

"Oh!" I cry, surprising myself with how excited my voice was - I guess I was pretty bored or something - and I manage to wiggle around to get a better look at the door, which is now getting banged on again, more persistently now, without causing anything more than a dull ache down there.

"MATT YOU SON OF A BITCH, LET ME IN BEFORE I CRACK MY NAILS ON THIS DOOR!"

Matt rolls his eyes and hurries over to the door, fumbling with the lock for a minute before finally getting the key in. Half way through his little unlocking-process, I realize I don't have any pants on. Diving across the couch, I grab a blanket and pull it over myself, wiggling into it so that to hide this fact just as the door swings open.

It's the woman from the park.

The woman from the park, I realize now, was not a woman. It was surely the same person though, because it looked just like her, red hair and all. I must have been pretty delusional last night not to realize it, but then again this person really could pass for a girl. However, at the moment, even in the tight bell-bottom jeans and rainbow tank top, I can tell it's a guy at first glance now that I'm not a total mess.

"Matty! Finally!" the person cries, throwing his arms around Matt. The person is a very tall kind of person, a good bit taller than Matt and I. Matt mutters something about 'an impatient jerk' but hugs the person back anyway, a tiny smile on his lips. When the hug breaks, the person jumps back and puts his hands on his feminine hips, a pout on his face. "You see, this is why you should give me a spare key!"

"No, this is exactly why I _shouldn't._" Matt scolds, shaking his head. I'm not quite listening to them though, still staring at the woman -- er, rather, man, that I'd met in the park. I recognized her easily-broad but feminine with really pretty red hair, impossible that it was somebody else in a way - and I wondered with slight fear if he'd recognize _me._

"Oh, Matt, _darling,_" the person says in a drawled out, teasing tone, flipping his long red hair over his shoulder. I realize with a tiny shiver that I do that all the time -- fuck, no wonder he thought i was gay. Just as I'm thinking that the person's gaze sweeps the room, landing on me and meeting my eyes.

I blink at him, finding myself in a staring contest, only I'm blinking and he's fluttering his eyelashes as if he can't believe his eyes, lip-sticked mouth parted in surprise. Matt quickly moves to stand between us though, blurting, "Okay, Leon, this is Mello, Mello, this is Leon," he says quickly, waving his hands a little.

Leon - which I guess this must be who this is, then - shakes his head slowly, staring at me and shifting in his clogs, eyes widening slightly. "Blessed stars, Matt..." he says in an amazed, breathy voice, "I've met this angel before!"

I blinked, blushing a little at the use of 'angel' and shift upwards to get a better look at Leon, and I find myself blurting (without really meaning to), "You're the woman from the park!" I pause and scrunch my nose, quickly rephrasing when Matt goes pale and Leon's eyes screw up a little. "Err, I _thought _you were a woman, since I was delusional and you were in a dress and all."

Matt looks terribly confused, but we both succeed in ignoring him for the time being, Leon bursting into fits of laughter. "I _was _in a dress, wasn't I!? HA!" he laughs, and then stalks over to me in a catwalk-like fashion before leaning closer to me, as if to get a better look at my face. I stare at him, feeling my eyes widen a little. His gaze sweeps over me, examining every exposed inch of me, which is kind of scary, but I manage a shaky little smile.

Then he sighs and slaps his forehead, stepping back and looking ready to faint. I blink, blushing a little - had he seen I wasn't wearing pants or something? - and Leon whirls to look at Matt, who's still fumbling and looking horribly confused. "Matt, this is horrible."

"What?" I squeak, a little hurt, but Leon shakes his head.

"This boy is simply too perfect for you. The world is ending," Leon says in a tragic, dramatic tone, clasping his hand on Matt's shoulder as if for support. Matt glares at his friend, but he's grinning all the same. I feel a blush burn wild on my face, but I manage a smirk.

"Sure, talk about me like I'm not here, why don't'cha," I pipe up, rolling my eyes. Somehow, the awkwardness is lost on me and I flop backwards in the chair, stretching my arms over my head as I let out a yawn. I hear Matt laugh, but Leon doesn't.

"Sorry, dear, it's hard for me sometimes," Leon says in a dramatic tone, plopping down in the comforter beside the couch and kicking his long legs up on the coffee table, the clogs having vanished from his feet - he must have taken them off - and wiggling his sock-covered toes. "I spend most of my time talking to the mannequins in my store, you see, and they don't really have what you'd see as _feelings..._"

I can't help but giggle a little, snapping off another piece of my chocolate bar. "Well, I'm used to talking to freaky little prissy girls at my school, and while they supposedly have feelings, a lot of them are just about as plastic as any of your mannequins," I inform him jokingly. I win a laugh this time, which - much to my distain - isn't a giggle but a catty kind of snicker._ I guess my laugh is still the grisliest. Huzzah...._

Matt sits down beside me with a Pepsi in his hand, as always a little too close for normal standards, but I don't care, kicking my legs up over his and leaning back on the armrest out of habit. I'm not sure how this sitting position really started, but it was comfortable, and I stretch my arms out to rest on the armrest behind me.

"Fabulous, Matty, thank you," I tease, snatching the Pepsi from his grasp and throwing my head back, chugging a good few gulps out of it. He yelps in protest but doesn't try to steal it back, grinning a little. Smirking, I toss it back to him.

I find Leon staring at me when I roll my head to look back at him. There's an odd expression on his face, his nose wrinkled a little - he's actually kind of cute, and though he couldn't pass for a girl, he was a pretty attractive man. You know, if I was....

"Two things.... one, are you _sure _he's not gay?" Leon speaks up, his eye's huge with surprise, his eyebrows wrinkled together.

I groan in distain, rolling my eyes. "I'm sure," Matt mutters, but he doesn't _look _very sure. I smirk and slap his arm.

"You wish, jackass," I growl, stealing the Pepsi back and taking another swig.

"I do..." Matt says sadly, shaking his head in the most dramatic way possible. There's a grin on his face though, and Leon crackles into laughter. I don't laugh, though, because I'm extremely embarrassed and busy nibbling on my chocolate bar and swigging stolen Pepsi.

"Okay, second question," Leon speaks up, leaning forward. This time there's a wolfish grin on his face. "Why isn't Mello wearing pants?"

Matt's face lights up instead of mine, burning with a blush and he looks down a little guiltily. Oh, right... when I flipped around, I suppose the blanket must have fallen off me. I fight a blush, turning and glaring at Leon, a smirk on my face and my eyes narrowed. "Because pants are for losers," I inform him cattily, smirking. Matt chokes on his own drink of Pepsi but Leon only laughs.

"He's not wearing pants because he's having a case of butt-pain," Matt explains, giving Leon an accusing glare. The taller man pales a little, realization crossing his face, and he looks extremely guilty for pointing it out, his previously dramatically giddy expression now twisted into guilt and slight disgust.

I open my mouth to tell him it's okay, and that I would have probably said the exact same thing, but he's already spinning to me with a desperately horrified look on his face, hands covering his mouth in guilty horror. "I am _so _sorry," he cries, shaking his head back and forth several times, wavy red hair swinging back in forth in time with his head. "That is _so awful _that something like that happened to you!"

I sigh and shake my head, a blush tinging my cheeks. I start to tell him 'it's fine' again, but he interrupts me with a frantic, "It's so horrible, you probably need brownies!"

Ohhhh, _Brownies._

I peek up, letting tiny little crocodile tears form in the corner of my eyes. "Brownies?" I say in a quiet little voice, batting my eyelashes just barely. I guess the uke-face worked, because Leon melts and gets to his feet immediately, a look of dutiful determination on his face.

"I AM USING YOUR KITCHEN! THIS IS AN URGENT MATTER!" Leon announces, marching away towards the other room. Matt's face pales quickly, spinning around to look at him.

"Nooo! I just cleaned it!" He cried - apparently Leon was a messy cook - a look of horror on his face. Leon glares at him, standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips, frowning at him accusingly.

"Look at him and tell me he doesn't need brownies!" Leon says accusingly, glaring at him. Matt makes a face and looks at me - I still have the uke-face on, and I look up at him, trying to fight the smirk that wants to appear on my face. It works on Matt too, though not quite as effectively, because I can tell he knows it's fake. He sighs and hangs his head, covering his face with his hand.

"Just… clean up after your done," Matt mutters. Leon jumps up and down and claps his hand, retreating into Matt's kitchen. As soon as Leon's gone the smirk breaks through, stretching across my face. Matt sees it obviously, through the space between his fingers. He frowns at me, shaking his head. "You're a hopeless bastard."

"Tee-hee," I purr, batting my eyelashes. "I don't know what you're talking about, _daarrrrllliiiinnnngggg,_" I stretch out the 'darling' teasingly, leaning back on the armrest and crossing my legs, which are still draped over his. Matt rolls his eyes, but he's grinning.

"If we keep him around too much, he'll rub off on you," Matt mutters, shaking his head sadly. I smirk.

"You'd like that," i said.

"I don't mean turn you _gay_," Matt snapped, but he's grinning despite himself.

I stick out my tongue at him. "Tisk tisk, Matty," I say teasingly, shaking my head, "You shouldn't say it like that, you bad prejudice person." This comment earns me a pillow in my face, and I yelp, grabbing the ugly yellow cushion - which, as I predicted, has a bloodstain on it now - and smacking him in the head with it.

"Shut up," he laughs, rolling his eyes. I smile leaning upwards and arching so that my elbows are resting on my knees.

"I'll shut up when I'm dead," I inform him, smirking. He smacks me playfully on the shoulder, earning him a punch in the gut.

"Not even then, probably. You'd haunt me in the night, complaining about how bored you are in the afterlife," Matt teases, poking me in the ribs. I'm admittedly extremely ticklish, and I giggle, trying to slap his hand away. He grins. "Ticklish?" he asks sneakily. My eyes widen and I try to scoot away, but I don't have any time because he's already on me, tickling me all over the place.

I squeak and squeal and laugh, unable to help myself as his fingers dance over my ribcage and arms. "AAAH! Matty, stop iiiitttt!" I scream, laughing beyond my control and trying to no avail to wiggle away from his tickle-attacks. He grins at me, his dimples reappearing, his eyes dancing behind his goggles. I manage to squirm backwards enough to avoid a little of the tickling and reach forward, grabbing the goggles by their strap. He yelps and I pull them backwards, jerking them - and his head - forward closer to my face.

"Let go!" Matt cries in surprise, and I smirk. He quickly regrets the words as the goggles snap back onto his eyes with a slap sound. He squeaks and stumbles a little, eyes squeezing shut in the pain. I laugh a little, trying to get away, but his hands grab my shoulders and hold me in place. "MEAN!" he cries, but he's laughing now, opening his eyes.

I freeze when he does, though, suddenly realizing how close his face is to mine. Noticing only then that when he was tickling me he'd somehow moved above me, curled between his at how close his face is to mine. He doesn't seem fazed by it, though, a huge grin on his face, though I can tell he's trying to look angry - but failing - as he grumbles, "Don't do that, it hurts!"

"Y-y-yeah okay...." is all I can muster up to mutter, a little off my game because of the proximity. I have an urge to move, to do... something, though I don't know what. Or maybe I do know what, but my mind refuses to register it, scared of the outcome. Matt frowns a little, and it seems to dawn on him what kind of position we're in. I manage to smirk a little. "Sorry man."

"STOP FLIRTING IN THERE, I CAN HEEAAARRR YOUUUUU!"

Matt startles and drops my shoulders, letting me jump back and lean against the back and off his lap as he scrambles backwards, blushing madly. I whirl and glare at the kitchen; Leon's in the doorway, grinning, a big mixing bowl in his arms. "We were not flirting!" I cried, grabbing a pillow to throw at him, but it misses him by a long shot and only hits the wall beside the door. He grins.

"I know flirting when I see it, _darling_," Leon says joyously, a grin on his face. I glare at him, but I'm blushing horribly because I realize it might have been true and I _might _have been flirting with him. Which was quite scary, because I was _not gay._

_Maybe if you keep telling yourself that, it'll make it true..._

"Not flirting..." I grumble. Matt only grins.

***

One awkward silence and a huge mess in the kitchen later, I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen, inhaling my third killer brownie.

"THESE ARE SO GOOD!" I cried, swallowing another bite of chocolaty goodness. Leon laughs from his place standing nearby, leaning on the kitchen counter. I hadn't even been patient enough to sit on the couch and have them be brought to me - I'd escaped against the will of Matt, made my way into the kitchen at lightning speed, called by the delicious smell coming from the oven, pulled them out, plopped the tray on the floor - it was scalding hot on my hands, but it was worth it, and I plowed through at least one and a half before Matt managed to catch me, but by then the 'catching' wasn't even worth the effort and he just sat down beside me.

"I know, I'm fabulous," Leon says wistfully, batting his eyelashes. They're kind of abnormally long and dark, for a man, though when I asked later he told me he didn't wear mascara or anything. I grin and take another bite.

"Not so much a fabulous _cleaner,_ though," Matt grumbled. His kitchen was a total mess, spills of everything everywhere, containers laying out, dirty dishes and the works splayed out everywhere. I don't know _how _he managed to get chocolate syrup on the mirror, but he did, and Matt was currently wiping at it with Windex and paper towels. Leon snickered.

"Sorry, dear," Leon chirps, smirking. I have to chuckle at the scowl on Matt's face, his nose wrinkled up and his lips curved into a pout, scrubbing angrily away at the chocolate stain on his mirror. "I'm afraid cleaning is work for men."

"I'm pretty sure the stereotype is the other way around... and anyway, if you haven't already forgotten, you two are men, too," Matt growled angrily, but he's smiling anyway, unable to properly keep anger on his face. I giggle a little.

"I'm a male, not a man!" I announce, throwing my hands up in the air. "I'm much to feminine to be a man!"

"DITTO! High five, bitch, I love you more now," Leon says through a howling laugh, holding out his lanky arm. I slap his hand happily, snickering.

Matt sighs sadly, shaking his head. "You see what I mean, Leon? He says the gayest things, and he's totally comfortable with it. It's totally unfair..." he mutters, looking disdainful. I stick out my tongue at him briefly before shoving another bite of brownie into my mouth - I know he sees, because he returns the gesture before continuing to wipe down the mirror.

"Maybe he's a metrosexual," Leon suggests, throwing his head back and twisting it so that his neck pops. I wrinkle my nose.

"A metro what?" I ask, confused. Leon laughs again, but Matt just grumbles under his breath.

"A metrosexual. A straight man with homosexual tendencies, or that fits the gay stereotype better than the straight one," Leon explained, flipping his hair over his shoulder and smiling a knowing little smile. "Usually they're perverts though, and use their gay-guy-like charms such as good dressing and clever teasing to get girls, and since they're incredibly decent acting they get away with saying and doing indecent things with poor innocent girls." Leon snickers a little. "I always thought metrosexuals were just gay men who weren't out of the closet, but apparently not..."

I wrinkle my nose. "But I don't perv on girls," I tell him, a bit peeved for one reason or another, "I'm not a pervert. I haven't even _thought _about that!" I shake my head, eating another bite of brownie goodness to vent my irritation. I don't know why what he said irritated me, but the idea of being one of those Triston-like guys because I have "gay guy tendencies" appalls me.

Leon twisted up his nose. "Then you're gay," he said bluntly.

"No, I'm not," I say a bit louder, ripping off another piece of brownie. Matt gets a horrified, worried look that shows that he senses impending disaster and can do nothing to stop it. Leon's eyes narrow slightly and he tilts his head to the side, hands on his hips.

"Do you _flirt _with girls?" Leon asks.

I glare. "Of course I do. Girls hit on me all the time, so of course I flirt back," I say. It's kind of obvious, right?

Leon seems unconvinced. "Have you ever touched a girl's butt?"

I choke on my brownie, appalled. "NO!" I cry, feeling my face burn with angry blush. "I've never been in that kind of relationship with anyone." _Except my brother... _my mind finishes for me.

Matt looks horrified when Leon continues, hiding his face behind the Windex. "You seem awfully disgusted by the idea...." Leon says a bit tauntingly, twisting his head to look at me with glittering hazel eyes. I flinch, feeling anger and struggle boil up inside of me, desperate for proof that he was wrong.

"I'm not disgusted by the idea," I hiss. I'm not sure if it's a lie, though.

"Have you ever made out with a guy?" Leon asks again, tipping his head to the side. I wince, but I know if I lie, the argument would be pointless.

"Once," I tell him bluntly, "But I was drunk."

Matt winces as Leon smirks, standing closer to me now, hands tight on his hips. I move away from my brownie tray, sitting up straighter and narrowing my eyes at him. Debating was something I tended to get too far into, admittedly, and I ignore Matt completely now.

"Did you enjoy it?" Leon says mischievously, grinning at me.

_Yes. More than I should have._

"Not really. I ended up running out - he was just a waiter I barely knew," I tell him. It wasn't exactly a lie - sure, I'd enjoyed it, but I'd been horrified after he grabbed my ass and I was reminded almost instantly of my brother. I'd never wanted to do it again... _That's a lie too, and you know it._ I shove the thought away, sparing not a glance in Matt's direction, though he was clear in my mind.

"Hmmm. And what's your best friend's name?"

I frown at him, confused. Matt wasn't exactly a best friend, almost more than that. But not in the romantic sense or anything. But still... "Halle or Weddy, I guess."

"And your girlfriend?" he pestered, raising his eyebrows and smirking at me.

"Jade." I say bluntly.

"And what color are her eyes?"

"Green," I reply easily, not seeing the point of the question.

"Hair color?"

"Brown."

"Cup size?"

I blink, eyes widening slightly, and I shift uncomfortably. "What?" I ask, bewildered. Leon smirks.

"Her _boobs_, Mello," Leon insists, patting his chest where boobs would be, if he'd had any. "What size are they?"

I wince. "How should I know?" I cried, feeling myself blush. I'd never really thought about it before, and I'd hardly tried to guess. I couldn't actually recall if they were big or not, though I'm fairly sure they were considering they always squished against me really weird when we hugged. I'd never really thought about it that much though.

"Mmm-hmm, and does she have a nice ass?" Leon continues, twisting so that he's leaning back against the oven, wiggling his hips the tiniest bit.

I glare at him, suddenly blushing beyond madly. "I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!" I find my voice raising several octaves, shrill and angry. "I guess!?"

"A straight guy would know this stuff," Leon informs me ,shaking his head. "I'm just saying--"

"LEON!" Matt cried, just as I scream, "I AM NOT GAY, DAMMIT!"

Leon's mouth shuts tightly - weather or not from Matt or my own reactions I will never know, because I'm already scrambling to my feet, grabbing the last three brownies into my hands before storming towards the door. My ass is throbbing in consistent complaint as I hurry my pace, and Matt's calling after me, but I ignore it. The anger is blinding, mortified and confused.

I make it into the bedroom and whirl around. Matt is stumbling after me, Windex and dirty paper towels in his hands, Leon peeking through the doorway of the kitchen with a surprised look on his face. "Mello, wait--" Matt calls, dropping the Windex in his haste.

I don't hear the rest of his sentence, cutting him off and screaming at him. "I HATE YOU!"

All I see is his crumbling face, staring at me with blank horror before slamming the door in his face.

**A/N: POOR LEON D: HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!**

**Matt: TwT yeah, erally OBNOXIOUSLY. D': why'd he have to slam the door in MY face, though? D':**

**no confession yet. no kisses yet. no cuddles yet. no fluff yet. i'm just taunting you, huh? :3 just angst.**

**AT LEAST U GET A TRANSVESTITE, YAH? 8D **

**p.s. sorry for my huge OC useage (with Jade and Leon) but they were necissary TwT tottaly. :P**

_***editor's note: hello, from now on I'll be trying to fix up Holli's horrible grammar, let's just hope I'll get it done where my rents can't see, ^///.///^**_

_**Your new editor,**_

_**~Luna**_


	13. Chapter 13

"Mell, come on... come out..."

I press my back against the door, squeezing my eyes shut. My face is still burning with a blush, humiliated by the interrogation that had happened moments before. The pile of brownies in my hand is crumbling, and I stick them beside me, shuddering a sigh.

"Mello, come on. I'll ask Leon to leave if you want, just... don't leave me out here..." Matt's voice is shaky behind the door, trembling and desperate, rapping his fingerson the door. he reminded me of a puppy who'd been locked outside in the cold, and for a moment I felt guilty. "Please--"

"GO AWAY!" I cried, slamming my fist on the door. "JUST GO AWAY!" My voice is trembling, and I want to start sobbing. But if I start sobbing, I'll feel weak. Weaker than I already did.

The space on the other side of the door is silent now, no more words and desperate whispers. I close my eyes, hoping he's gone as I let out another shuddering sob. I can't help it - completely overwhelmed and pained.

_I'm not gay. I can't be gay._

I wasn't gay, was I? Girls liked me a lot. _You don't like them back. _But I like some of them back. I liked Jade, and before that i liked Morgan, and Darkfire, and that artsy girl... _Did you really like them that way? You didn't like Jade that way. Morgan was awkward. Darkfire was a lesbian. You've never liked them more than you liked Matt. _

I don't like Matt like that. _You almost kissed him. _I didn't almost kiss him. I was delusional. He was right beside my face. _You wanted to. You care about him. _I don't…

I'm arguing with myself. If anyone had been able to peer into my mind right then, they'd have thought I was crazy.

I can't be gay, I reason with myself. If I was gay, then... my brother would be right. Gabriel would be right about me being a fag, about me making him rape me, about me asking for it. I never asked for it. _That was rape. That was different. You weren't suppose to enjoy that, even if you are gay. _But I'm not gay.

I'm not.

I'm not.

"Leon, you bitch!" I can hear Matt's voice, trembling and angry in the other room, his voice muffled by the walls. I don't try to listen, but I can't help it - there's nothing else to listen to. "Why did you have to do that!?"

"I do that to everyone who sets off my gaydar and denies it, dearest," Leon's voice was casual, but I could hear the hint of regret tainting his voice even through the walls.

"Well couldn't you stop being an ass for two seconds and make an exception!? Mello's important to me, Leon! He's' not just some whore off the street that I'm helping out, he's _important, _okay!? I… I had everything perfect, Leon!" Matt's voice was raised an octave, shaking slightly. "He was happy and comfortable with me, and I didn't have to hide or anything..." there's a muffled couple of words that I don't hear, but I'd heard enough. Tears well in my eyes - how could I be comfortable anymore? It was... humiliating.

I hear their arguments continue, but I'm not listening anymore, my eyes fluttering closed as tears escape and slide down my cheeks, my thoughts forming illusions and images, fuzzy in my mind.

_Sitting in the schoolyard, swinging on the swing. I'm lonely in the memory, only about fourteen, in the beginning of my eighth year of school. I remember this day, slowly but surely, though it's a little fuzzy - a memory I had repressed for a long time._

_I'd painted my nails that day, painted them black. I didn't know what compelled me - I was going through magazines at the hair parlor, when my mom dragged me along, the entire time calling me a worthless bastard on our way. I'd seen a girl, she was really cute - I was kind of jealous of her. And she had these perfect, flawless hands, the nails at the end of them painted black. And I thought I would paint mine too._

_"Faggot, faggot, Mello is a gay faggot..."_

_I close my eyes, trying to block out the boys sing-songing behind me and pumping my legs to get higher in the air. As If I could just get away from them if I got high enough, maybe just float up into the sky..._

_"Are you going to stay on that swing all free-day?"_

_I slow my swinging at the strangely friendly voice, letting my swing slow down. It was a small, young boy with messy black hair and glasses, looking at me with curious dark brown eyes. It's apparent he's not making fun of me - he looks simply curious._

_"I was planning on it..." I say slowly, skidding my feet on the ground below me and frowning at him, narrowing my eyes slightly. "What's it to ya'?"_

_The boy shrugged and sat down in the swing beside me, glancing over at the big group of boys who was making fun of me before. They'd apparently gotten bored with me and dispersed to go flirt with the cheerleaders beside the kickball field - that's where most of the people were on free day, playing kickball. _

_After a while he replied, "I dunno. You looked lonely."_

_"Oh."_

_The boy kicked his legs in the air and looked up at the sky, a frown on his lips. His lips were paler and softer than the rest of him, looking out of place on his darker, tanned skin. I figured he'd probably went to Florida or something recently, over break, but he'd always been slightly tanner than the rest of us, despite his parents being pale as paper._

_"So um... don't take this the wrong way, but are the rumors true?" he said casually, twisting his head to look at me. I see his eyes drift to my hands, looking genuinely curious, but all the same I immediately get angry._

_"__**What **__rumors?" I hiss dangerously, slipping off my swing to stand over him, putting my hands on my hips. He freezes, immediately looking smaller and more defenseless than he usually does, reaching up to nervously to adjust his crooked glasses._

_"Y-you know..." he stammered, swallowing hard. "The... gay rumors."_

_I let a smirk slink across my face - my cruelty streak had revived inside of me at that moment, and I was full-out pissed, narrowing my eyes just slightly so that I was giving him an evil looking kind of smile. "Why? Do _you _believe them?" I ask with false-kindness, leaning forward and grabbing the chain of his swing, standing over him dangerously._

_His face grows pale, struggling to swallow as he chokes out, "U-uh, I don't... I don't know? I mean, I-I-I don't.... I didn't really... I was just..." The stammering doesn't stop, and it's obvious he's getting nowhere with his speech._

_I reach out with my other hand and tangle my fingers in his hair, jerking his head backwards so that I'm glaring directly into his wide, dark brown eyes, the glasses slipping mostly off his face."Look, you little shit," I growl deathfully, tightening my grip on his hair. "You shouldn't believe everything you hear, little boy."_

_He shivers, shutting his eyes as he stammers, "I-I don't! I w-w-was just curious, and I-I j-jus-st wan-wan-wanted to know from the per-person, ho-honest..." I can't help but smirk. I've never been that much of a bully, but I can understand the pleasure in it. There's something almost adorable about the terrified look on his face, the way his mouth keeps twitching with nervousness. So much that I just want to throw him off the swing and kiss the stammer right out of him, shut him up just like that._

_And then I realize what I'm thinking, and I drop him, spinning on my heel and taking four steps back, putting a hand on my hips and struggling to keep the cruel smile on my face. The boy whose name, I regret now, I don't remember, turns to look at me, panic in his eyes, and I can practically hear his heart pounding, his breathing too quick as he stares at me, eyes round as dinner plates._

_"Get the hell out," I growl, pointing towards the kickball field. "Leave me alone with your stupid-ass questions and your goddamn stammer, and mind your own business."_

_He obliges without argument, dashing away and leaving me to try and repress the memory, collapsing back onto the swing and kicking my legs. Trying to forget the memory and replace it with a different one. Maybe, I think, I'll replace it with beating up that kid who was singing..._

"...Mell?"

The voice on the other side of the door is very, very quiet, but I don't reply. I'd crawled away from the door and attempted, unsuccessfully, to crawl under the bed. Instead I ended up with my head and shoulders under the bed and my ass and legs just sort of hanging out before I gave up and collapsed, too overwhelmed and tired to even care. The brownies were gone.

I close my eyes, trying to block it out, but I can't. Matt... I didn't want to deal with it now...

"Mello, I'm going to come in, okay?" Matt whispered, the door creaking as it opened. I don't bother to argue with him, just laying under the bed like a limp ragdoll, my eyes squeezed shut.

I feel him crouch beside me, his hand reaching out and brushing against my bare foot. It would have tickled in a different situation, but I felt too dead to giggle.

"Mello... I am _so _sorry, Mello..." Matt whispered, his hand resting on my heel. I sigh. There was no use in delaying my seeing him, I supposed - he was already there. Slowly I force myself to twist around under the low roof of the mattress, turning so that I'm looking at him.

He stops me cold.

His goggles on, but I can see the tears in his eyes, the red around his eyes, the streaks of tears along his cheeks from tears. He looked horrible, as if he'd been sobbing for the last hour. Maybe he had been. I don't know.

_Something's gotta give...._

"Mello...?" he whispered, his eyes meeting mine, lips trembling as he does.

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding, feeling my body tense up slightly. "H...hey." I murmur, breaking eye contact and looking at the floor. I notice vaguely that the floor isn't covered in ugly carpet in this room, instead hardwood floor.

"Do you really hate me...?"

I flinch at Matt's whisper, at his tone. He sounds broken, like he'd been physically beaten. I look up at him, eyes opening all the way, feeling the tears stinging my eyes fighting to escape my eyes. He has that broken, desperate look on his face, like a puppy that had been kicked and hadn't done anything to deserve it.

Maybe that was indeed exactly what it was like.

_Something's gotta let go..._

I feel myself moving forward without permission from my mind, scooting out from under the bed. Matt moves to help me but I ignore his outstretched hand, pulling out from beneath the furniture. My mind comes into play too late, already sitting in front of the redhead, no way to escape.

_Something's gotta admit defeat..._

"Mello...?" Matt whispers, his voice trembling slightly, but I barely hear him. I'm moving again, slipping forward until my head is pressed against his shoulder, scooting into the position I was in the previous day, positioned between his legs. He freezes, and I pause, half nuzzled against him, before pulling away, leaning upwards to meet his eyes.

He's staring at me with a slight tremble as I move, but he's not trembling as much as I am. I allow myself to move closer to him, my hands going to his face and underneath the strap of his goggles. This time I don't snap them back to his face, though, instead pushing them gently away from his eyes.

His eyes.

I drown in them immediately, all of my panic-alarms that were previously trying to get attention simply dying in the back of my head, my hands lingering on his cheeks. I can feel his breath on my lips, a shuddering, shaky kind of exhale.

"Mell . . ." He says in a warning voice, shivering a little. I know what he means by this warning, too. But I ignore it, pressing my fingers lightly against his temples as they work their way through his messy red hair. It's so soft...

"Mello, please... you're torturing me here, I don't want to do anything you'll regret..." Matt whispered with slight panic in his voice, but his hands move against his resolve, to brush against my shoulder. His touch makes me shudder slightly, but I don't reject it, staring at him.

_Somethin's gotta give...._

I'm not gay...

_Someone's gotta admit they're wrong... give in give in give in..._

"I don't hate you," I whisper, feeling my voice tremble slightly. "I...."

The rest of the words don't come. I can't make them form on my lips. Partially because I'm not sure what I was trying to say, and partially because my mind simply won't let me. So I just stare at him, drowning in his searching, desperate green eyes.

"Mello..." Matt whispered, and I see something give in his eyes, and he finally responds to my movement, one arm coming around my torso and brining me closer. I shiver slightly, eyes fluttering just barely, but I don't resist, letting the fog come into my mind again, blinding me to my desperate resolves and false memories. Letting myself just act, no thoughts to get in the way.

"Matt..." I murmur in response, brushing my hands through his hair a final time and resting my arms against his shoulders. He shivers again, eyes flickering. I wonder vaguely if there's a fog over his mind, too, as he dips forward, his forehead on mine so that his emerald green eyes are inches from mine. They're beautiful eyes, and I want to melt into them. Maybe, I think, I can.

_Maybe you already have._

"Wait..." he whispers a bit reluctantly, something flickering through his eyes that looks like worry. _I don't want to..._ "Mello, you shouldn't act like this just because..."

I cut him off, my hands brushing along the nape of his neck as I murmur, "Please shut up, Matty..." I feel the tiniest of smirks inch onto my mouth as he blinks in surprise at me, his face donning a dust of blush. _You look so kissable right now..._

I'm not gay...

_Give up._

Matt seems to relax, finally, his hand sliding upwards to brush my hair around my ear, his green eyes glimmering with an emotion I've only seen in him. _Love. _I'd never seen that before in anyone but him, not directed to me, but I recognized it. It was the gaze B shared with A, that L and Light shared, that Misa showed Light, that - creepily enough - Gevanni showed Near. It was what I'd always wanted, somewhere deep inside. _How had you never noticed before?_

Then he leans forward, and the distance between our lips is non-existent.

The impact is instantaneous. The reaction is explosive, filling me with warmth as his soft lips brush mine, just barely. The kiss is a hesitant one, at first, but I don't let it stay that way. I press myself forward, my chest against his arm as I return the kiss, his hand still caressing my cheek. The fog lifts slowly as he deepens it, the arm not on my face coming around to brush along my back, but I don't care anymore.

Matt hum's a little against the kiss, obviously feeling the 'explosion' too. I'd always scoffed at people who say they 'saw fireworks' during kisses, or whatever, but I don't doubt it now. I feel warm and desperate for more, worming my way closer against him.

He pulls away first though, partially for oxygen I presume. I would have happily just kept kissing him, happily breathless, deciding as I slip away from him that I like kissing him more than I like oxygen.

"Mello?" Matt says hesitantly, his green eyes glittering with slight confusion. Uncertainty, desperate for confirmation that this was the right thing to do.

I take a deep breath before replying, a little teasingly, "Tell Leon he was right, I'm straight as a rainbow. More kisses now, yeah?" I'm smirking at him, like it's not a big deal, but it is and he knows it. A huge weight seems to dissipate off my shoulders, my lips still tingling from contact, still desperate for more of the feeling.

Matt stares at me with bewilderment, mouth open just slightly. And then he smiles, a warm, loving, overjoyed grin, a blush fleeting across his face. "Thank Zelda," he whispers, and I roll my eyes at his dorky choice of words, but really... really I couldn't agree more.

He wastes no more time sweeping me up, taking me under the chin and pressing his lips to mine again. The kiss is full of passion this time, no more uncertainty or hesitation. That's just fine with me, wiggling closer to him and snaking my arms around his waist, returning the pressure without hesitation.

_This is so much better than anything. Better than Jade or "Darkfire" or that waiter. _

_I… really do care about him._

Gay. Somehow, it's not such a threatening thing anymore.

I don't argue when his lips part, his tongue brushing against my lips, asking for entrance. I give it to him without hesitation, parting my lips. I'd made out with plenty of people before, but nothing quite like this. Matt completely overpowers the kiss, pressing so close to me that I feel like we might just become one person, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. He tastes like cigarettes, but I don't mind.

"Mmmmm..." Matt mumbles, breaking the kiss for an instant to breathe before continuing his exploration. He's a really amazing kisser, I have to admit - hell of a lot better than teeth-clashing Jade had been. I'd like to think I'm not too bad either, and I kiss him back greedily either way, hands tangling in his hair and tugging a little bit. I'm weirdly pleased when he moans a little because of this - hair pulling is a plus? Awesome.

After a while even I need oxygen though, and I fall away from him, breathless and falling back on my butt. There's a dull ache there, but I barely notice it, my head spinning slightly, from both lack of oxygen and a new emotion. Something a mix between excitement, need, affection... _passion?_

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," Matt breathes, letting out a shaky, happy exhale. His face is flushed, but I'm guessing not as much as mine is.

To make up for the flushed complexion that's surely on my face, I smirk at him. "Yeah I do. Since you met me, right?"

Matt laughs a little, but he doesn't deny it, his hand going around my waist again. He doesn't kiss me this time, instead just pulling me against him. _Cuddling. _He's so warm against me, like a giant teddy bear. Welcoming. Loving. Careful. Gentle. All the things that nobody but he had ever been with me.

Not my mother. She was always harsh. Not my brother. He was always painful. Not girls. They expected _me _to be that way, not the other way around. But here was Matt anyway, warm against me, and I burry my face in his shirt, curling into his lap without hesitation, letting him hold me against him. He's so warm. I realize with a happy little sigh that I fit perfectly against him, like I belong there.

_Maybe you do._

"I love you," he murmurs, brushing his hand through my hair. I sigh happily, soaking in those words. They feel so good, now that I can take them and accept them.

But somehow I can't force myself to reply, opening my mouth to respond appropriately, but I can't. Just looking up at him with my mouth half-open, trying to simply make him understand by staring at him. He doesn't try to force it out of me though - he just smiles a warm, wistful smile and brushes the hair away from my face, as he does so many times, and pulls me closer to him.

"Thank you, Matty," I whisper instead, closing my eyes and nuzzling my face into his shoulder. For now, it seems, this is enough, and he pulls me closer against him, letting me relax into him.

It's only a few minutes before I'm asleep in his arms, peaceful and happy and, for once, feeling completely safe.

***

**Praying to Zelda Finally Payed Off **

**Mood: In love **

**Location: In the bedroom**

**Eating: Nothing **

**Drinking: Nothing**

**Listening To: my angel sleeping.**

**It's really difficult to write this right now. Why?**

**Because I have an angel sleeping in my arms. That's why.**

**My life is officially perfect, and I can die a happy man now. Except then I wouldn't be able to spend more time with Angel, which would suck. So let's NOT do that.**

**Okay, what I mean is.. well, the dickwad Leon came over, and it went great at first. He came b/c, as u know, my dear, tortured fallen angel is staying at my house (insert happy angel wings flutter here) and he wanted to meet him. I told him "fine, whatever" because while Angel is in a slightly fragile state right now, he's FAR from fragile. Pretty damn kinky/badass/a bitch actually. ^^;**

**ANYWAY.**

**All went well until Leon started his AHG interrogation (a.k.a. Ass Hole Gaydar Investigation) T___T So he was all "LOL R U GAY, R U SURE? R U SURE? WHAT ABOUT UR GIRLFRIEND? BLAHBLAHBLAH..." yah anyway long story short i got peeved at him TwT *grumblegrumble***

**(I'm not mad at him anymore though TwT' i still need to apologize for throwing the brownie spoon at him though, I think i stained his lovely pants.)**

**ANYWAY my lovely angel totally pretty much did a back flip, freaked out, screamed at Leon to leave him alone, and stormed into the bedroom. I followed him, all desperate and freaking out, but apparently he was mad at me too (even though I had no part in it) and told me, quote for quote, "I HATE YOU"**

**D':**

**So obviously I got super emo and begged him to let me in, but he pretty much told me to fuck off, so I left and took out my anger on Leon, which was acceptable actually since it WAS his fault (though I probably shouldn't have winged a brownie-batter spoon at him). **

**Leon left in the most dramatic way possible - but not before kicking me in the crotch D': SORRY LEON! I hope he's not too mad.**

**but anyway I was laying there on the kitchen floor, my crotch in pain for a while, but even after it stopped hurting I was laying there, because I didn't want to get up, crying and getting all upset. I know it was almost an overreaction, but he… really looked like he **_**meant it. **_**The "i hate you " i mean. And believe it or not, I've been working really, really hard to keep the balance and make it so I could love him without creeping him out //// So it was kind of a heartbreak. And i was rly rly RLY worried he was going to leave and refuse to stay here anymore. Which wouldn't just be bad for the obvious he-is-going-to-die-on-the-street reasons, but also for the selfish ones.**

**So I went back and tapped on the door to be let in again, but he didn't respond. So i did what anyone would do and I just sort of... walked in. It wasn't locked or anything. **

**TwT' I found him half-way under the bed, but only up to about his shoulders, so only his head was under the bed. He looked DEAD at first, and I was like 'omg' and poked his foot, but obviously he was **_**not **_**dead and he twitched.**

**I'm not going to give u full details, even though I could recite to you exactly what happened, because I'll never forget. **

**But long story short, I did my whole puppy-pleading-for-not-hatred thing like you'd expect from me, because I'm pathetic. And after a second he wiggled out from under my shit-hole bed and turned to me. **

**The look on his face was this really super sad, stricken expression. Like he'd just watched a puppy die or something. **

**I was afraid he was going to slap me or something. He was trembling the tiniest bit, but I'm not sure if he realized it.**

**And then something weird happened.**

**To make a panic-filled, angsty, uncertain story short, he ended up on my lap, his face all buried in my shoulder. And i was like 'omg wat?' but like u know he's done this b4, and i figured he was being delusional or just trying to calm me down or something, but obviously every single hormone in my body was screaming at me to glomp-tackle him and cover him in kisses (I didn't) so it was kind of freaky. But then he pulled my goggles off and stared at me, for what seemed like FOR-EVER.**

**I won't go into detail except... he kissed me. **

**HUZZAH 8///D**

**To put it into small words, apparently my unrequited love isn't QUITE as unrequited as I thought. **

**(he is a very good kisser)**

**XD he's such a bastard though, because as soon as we stopped kissing the first time, i was like O////o **

**Cuz you know how people say 'they saw fireworks' and cheesy shit like that? You know how I always make fun of that? Well I'm going to stop. Because though I saw no actual FIREWORKS, **_**something **_**certainly exploded. It was amazing. ////**

**No more details for you. except he said:**

_**"Tell Leon he was right, I'm straight as a rainbow. More kisses now, yeah?" -exact quote from Angel-boy **_

**TT_TT My life is perfect now *woo***

**Anyway we made out, and then he fell asleep in my arms like a kitten. Seriously. It took about five minutes for him to fall asleep. He just kinda crawled into my arms and passed out. It was, admittedly, the cutest thing I'd ever seen.**

**He's asleep in my arms right now ;__; *happy tears* TAKE THAT, ODDS! *shake fist* I WIN! **

**Anyway, I'm officially in love with this boy. 3**

**(Don't look at me like that. I know, I know, you've heard it a million times from millions of different blogs... But it's different this time. -///- Don't believe me if you want, readers, but it's the truth.)**

**The only thing is it's very hard to type when you have an angel in your arms, but when I tried to put him down, he moaned and (i think he was still asleep) grumbled "Matty, you're so warmm..." and nuzzled in my arms O///////O HOW WAS I SUPPOSE 2 PUT HIM DOWN AFTER THAT?**

**That's right. I **_**wasn't.**_

**Oh and before I forget:**

**Annual Question For Readers: Do you have any ideas as to how to make butt-rape pain go away..? .///. I CAN'T STAND SEEING HIM HOBBLE, DAMMIT! *cry***

**....yeah.**

**Anyway, I think I'm gonna go to sleep. Cuddle with my angel/kitten-boy. **

**Just one last thing to say, to him, to God if he exists, to Zelda who doesn't exist but I'll pray to her all I want, and anyone who wants to be a weirdo and read it, because I don't care if you read it b/c i'm not ashamed (as you know).**

_**Thanks for telling me. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Thanks for not making me wait too long. Because you know... I think I would have waited forever.**_

**Hearts and rainbows,**

**M**

**

* * *

**

**A/N: WHOOF! That's alot of updating, huh? *wipesweat***

**Well, I had alot of spare time in Jamacia (i just got back as of now, and I'm hanging out in texas before our next flight... YALLLL!!! XDDD Haha, that's not me makin' fun of texas people or nothin'....anything.... ;D but I can't help but mimic the accent *flail* SORRY POSSIBLY PISSED POSSIBLY-EXISTING TEXAS-BOUND READERS ///**

**Anyways, I'm horrified to inform you that my **_**parents **_**found this story D: It was horrifying. They were like "HOW DO U KNOW ABOUT SEX!?!??" *dies* "AND RAPE!? AND CUTTING!? AND DRUGS!?!?!!one!!eleven!!!!??!?" *dies again* aaaaaah.... I was like "um... it kinda just.... gets around? *shrugs innocently*" Thank **_**Jeevas **_**my parents didn't make me delete it *dies of happiness* huzzah huzzah~~**

**I don't think my parents figured out Mel-Mel was a guy *huzzah* MY MANSEX FETISH IS STILL UNDER WRAPS! THANK JEEVAS!!!!!**

**Enjoy (hopefully) the many chapters of this new story,**

_***edited by Luna **_


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Extra update today. Aren't you all lucky? XD ...or not, since the last one was suppose 2 be submitted, like, a day ago. Whoops. Anyway this chapter... kinda sucks *facedesk* sorry about that, dearests. I'll try 2 make the next 1 better! :)**

The sun's morning rays leaked in through the window, falling over my face; I sighed, eased out of my dreamless, lovely sleep. I found myself feeling warm and safe, cuddling closer to the person holding me. _I don't want to wake up.... I'm so peaceful...._ I complain silently, keeping my eyes closed and nuzzling into the warmth against my face. The grasp around me tightens just barely, pulling me gently closer.

I don't complain; I sighed and snaked my arms closer to myself, allowing myself to be pressed more tightly against the warmth. It was a perfect kind of feeling, warm and fuzzy; it was also strange, completely unfamiliar and alien, but it wasn't unwelcome.

I hum contently as I feel fingers brush my blonde hair around my ear; I'm slowly remembering where I am, who I'm with. _With Matt. In Matt's arms, in Matt's bedroom. In our bedroom, now, I suppose...._

Relishing slightly at the thought I let out a kind of hum that sounds like a cross between a purr and a sigh, allowing my eyes to flutter open.

The room is lit dimly, the sunlight only peeking through the dark chocolate-brown curtains and falling in a pillar over my face. I'm contented in a pleasant kind of relaxed feeling, letting myself slowly wake up. I'm still in Matt's arms, and he feels strong and comforting against me - it's a bit strange, for me to be so contented with feeling protected by somebody, so at peace, even though I was a guy and wasn't it suppose to work a different way, me the protector? But I was the one who wanted to be protected then, and it didn't matter anymore. My pride was overpowered by the warm, fuzzy feeling...

..the feeling that, while I didn't quite realise it then, was undeniably love.

"You awake?" Matt whispered. His voice was wistful and a bit sleepy, and I 'mm-hmm' in response, smiling dimly as I feel his fingers stroke through my hair, peeking up at him. The previous night is slowly replaying in my mind - _I confessed to him last night. I came out last night, to him.. and to myself. _I smile a little at the thought, mentally shrugging away the dim sprinkle of shame that was tainting my happiness.

I peek up at Matt - his expression is a soft one, a loving one. He's holding me very gently, as if I were made of glass and might shatter if dropped. The thought is strangely appealing, and I nuzzle closer to him, to show him I'm thankful. Because I am - nobody ever held me that gently before. Even when I was very young, two or three, my mother handled me roughly, jerking my arm out of it's socket once or twice. She always had clever excuses when she brought me to the hospital - I don't remember now what they were.

Matt would need no excuses. He was always so gentle...

I trusted him. _Thank God._

"You look so peaceful when you sleep," Matt whispered gently, half to himself and half to me. I let out a satisfied sigh, smile creeping across my face. I loved that about him - the way he found beauty in everything. _Everything in me, anyway, _I think wistfully.

"Really?" I murmur, reaching up and returning the gesture of brushing my fingers through his hair. It's messy and bed-headed, but still soft to the touch. I let out a yawn before he replies, causing him to chuckle a little and for me to blush just slightly.

"Really." Matt tells me, smiling that honest half-smile. I smile back; I wonder briefly what my smile looks like. My real one, I mean - the kind of smile that, with me, is impossible to capture on film or see in the mirror, or at least nearly impossible. The kind of smile I don't force, don't call upon by my own will, without thinking about it. I wonder, briefly, if it's as pleasant as his is. "Are you hungry?" he asks, cutting off my train of thought.

"Yes," I reply happily, realizing that it's true. He chuckles at my cheerful reply, leaning over and kissing me on the forehead, causing me to wrinkle my nose. It's a little strange - it feels so normal, so routine to wake up in his arms, even though it hadn't ever happened before, or even been possible for it to happen before, really. Strange.

_Strange, but not unwelcome._

"Alrighty then," Matt chuckles, then carefully hoists me up. I squeak in surprise as he swings me over his shoulder like a duffel bag, though he's shockingly good at it, so he's being careful all the same.

Squeaking and pounding on his back in protest, I yelp, "Matty, dangit, I can walk by myself!" Matt only chuckled and continued walking to the kitchen, ignoring my half-hearted punches and squeals of protest and embarrassment.

I'm a little less than relieved when he plops me down at the table; huffing stubbornly I cross my arms over my chest, sticking my tongue out at him. He only grins at me, his green eyes glittering with joy - he looks so happy that I can't stay irritated, melting at his innocent cheer. It was hard not to, even if you were a complete stranger; with Matt, the happiness, just like his laughter, is contagious.

Despite this, though, I mutter "Meanie" under my breath, just out of stubbornness. He smiles.

"Bitch," he whispers back, though his tone is strangely loving as he waltzes over to the fridge.

I roll my eyes, but respond as I always do. "Always -- now get me some damn chocolate milk!" I add at the end, peering around to peek into the fridge from where I stand, spying a brown milk container. He laughs and pulls it out, shaking it around in his hands as instructed before pouring it into a pink-tinted glass.

I frown at the cup as he sits it on front of me. "Pink?" I ask accusingly, raising an eyebrow at him. He chuckles and grabs his own of the same color, taking a chug before pulling out a box of Coco Puffs (OH JOY!) out of the cabinet.

"Yeah, pink," he says cheerfully, smirking at the memory that appears to be invading his mind. "I bought a whole pack of those cheap cups, and they were suppose to be red, but when I washed them they turned pink for some reason..." He shook his head sadly, putting a set of identical coco puff - filled bowls on the table, along with a container of white milk.

I ignore the milk and reach for the chocolate milk that's still sitting on the table, pouring it into my coco-puffs instead. When he gives me a look, I shrug. "I like chocolate," I tell him, closing the milk and plopping it onto the table. "Thus, chocolate milk is better."

He shakes his head teasingly, in a tisk-tisk kind of way. "You are officially hopeless," he informs me with mock-empathy.

"I know," I reply, flipping my hair over my shoulder. He rolls his eyes again and pours his own milk - white - into his bowl. I smirk and chow down on my own cereal, ignoring the fact that chocolate milk continues to dribble down my chin from time to time, simply wiping it off on my wrist and continuing my eating. I'm not really one for table manners - my mother would be appalled.

_Good._

Matt doesn't seem appalled, though, laughing at my ravenous eating. "You act like you haven't had anything chocolate for months!" he criers, laughing. I don't have time to reply, gorging down more cereal. My usual breakfasts are a gross old energy bar snatched from the kitchen, so this was a feast in comparison. He grins at me, eyes glimmering happily.

It occurs to me in the back of my mind that we aren't really acting much different than we used to, besides the waking up together. Matt had always shown random affection for me; Matt had carried me around because of my injuries for as long as I had them and he was aware of them; Matt had always teased me, and I had always teased back. And weather or not I wanted to admit it, we'd always kind of flirted.

But then again, it was better, I decide as I make another hungry attack on my Coco Puffs. I didn't want it to change. I never really expected us to be constant lovey-dovey, like those stupid couples on TV or those honeymoon-phase teen-couples at the mall who are constantly holding hands and kissing each other. Not that I didn't want to kiss him and all, but I would miss the buddy-buddy joking-around if it went away. I would be sad if my life went back to the way it had been before I met Matt... it really hadn't been that long ago, had it? Not even a week...

"How are you feeling?" Matt pipes up again, this time his tone serious; he's referring to my injuries. I shrug a little, not having thought about it that much and shifting my weight from side to side. The pain in my ribs and rear are still aching a little, but not nearly (ug, Near.... almost forgot the little jerk) as much as they were before; the rest of my bruises don't hurt at all anymore.

"Better," I reply, grinning. He smiles with relief, and I quickly remind him, "Which means you don't have to carry me anymore."

"Oh, that's what you think," he says teasingly. I yelp as he jumps from his chair, spinning and leaping out of mine too. Somehow I end up being chased through the kitchen, giggling like an idiot. He swipes at me to grab my arm but I'm faster than he is, dodging around him and around the table - I feel like I'm a little kid again, but I don't care.

"No fair, you're too flexible!" Matt cried as I twisted away from his grab for my waist, quick on my feet. It was true - I was extremely flexible. I grin at him, hurrying away and easily avoiding his grabs.

In fact, I probably could have dodged him for a long, long time. But I don't; I slow my pace as I dodge around a chair ad spin on my heel to face him. He's going too fast to stop, his hands already outstretched to try and grab me again, and he tumbles forward, sweeping me into his arms and falling forward, twisting as he does in a catlike fashion so that he's the one that makes impact with the floor; both of us are laughing giddily. Matt lands squarely on his butt, me trapped in his arms, cuddled against his chest.

"Gotcha," he teases me, kissing me on the forehead. I giggle, not bothering to remind him that I let him catch me, and arch my back and twisting my head so that I'm looking at him. A blissful smile crosses his face, and I relax into his arms, turning and leaning upwards to be face to face with him, fingers trailing along his shoulders.

"Yeah, you got me," I murmur, smiling a little wistfully, tracing his shoulder blades gently.

Matt chuckles and seems to catch my sudden change in mood, leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine again. _Three, _I count happily, returning the pressure without hesitation. The sensation still isn't quite familiar yet, warm and explosive between us, sending tingles down my spine.

The kiss doesn't get any further than that though, just a little, soft caress and then we both pull away, sensing the sensation's end. We weren't in for anything intimate right now, at least I wasn't, still filled with blissful, childish giddiness.

"So hey," Matt suddenly speaks up as I get off of him, grabbing my hand when I offer it and getting up. I blink up at him to let him know I'm listening. "What made you change your mind...?"

The question surprises me, mostly because I hadn't really figured out the answer myself.

Suddenly feeling sheepish, I shrug, averting my gaze and slipping back into my seat. My milk had spilt a little bit, but I ignore it, eating a little of it and trying to avoid the question.

"No ideas?" Matt sighed, shaking his head and sitting down across from me.

I shrug again, feeling a blush creep across my cheeks before I mutter, "Well... I didn't just suddenly change my mind... I've kinda just been..." I shrug again, looking down at my cereal, the last few Co Co Puffs staring back at me as I finish, my voice not much more than a whisper, "I guess I just sort... slowly gave in. I've just been denying it, I suppose."

I know my face is burning, and I curse myself inwardly. I don't know what's more mortifying: the fact that I'd said it out loud or the fact that it was true.

"Well then..." Matt says slowly, and I look up at him with a blush as he grins a little, a look of mischief in his eyes, "I was _right _when I thought you were gay the first time!"

"EEK!" I squeal, and throw my spoon at him. He yelps through his laughter, failing to dodge the spoon and ending up with a chocolate-milk splash on his arm. My face is on fire now, but I know it's true; I know that I have to get past any hint of shame in my body. _Embrace. Confidence. You are not weak. _"Son of a bitch!" I exclaim at him, but I find myself giggling despite my crude language, "I already admitted I was a huge-ass gay, no need to rub it in!"

"I _will _rub it in," Matt teases, winking at me. I glower and grab my bowl throwing my head back and chugging the chocolate milk inside; the milk runs down the side of my face because of this, but I don't care, gulping down the liquid. "AAAH, MELLO!" Matt laughs in response, and I slam the bowl back down on the table, licking my lips. I probably do look disgusting, or at least immature.

He's still laughing when he grabs a dishrag, tossing it in my face. "You're a freak," he accuses, but his eyes are glimmering behind his goggles. I look up to grin at him, wiping my mouth off before letting out a wide yawn

"You yawn like a kitten," Matt mutters oddly, tilting his head and shooting me a grin. I roll my eyes, scowling… but I can't deny I'm secretly a little pleased by the obvious affection in his eyes. _How did I turn into such a love-bird?_

"A _kitten_?" I scoff, shaking my head. I'd never been compared to a _kitten_ before, so the simile caught me off guard. Then a gain, a lot about Matt caught me off guard.

"Yeah, a kitten," Matt replies wistfully, reaching out and brushing the hair away from my face, smirking a little. "Yawn so big it takes up your entire face almost. Cute, though."I scowl at him despite the compliment, sticking out my tongue at him - hey, I never said I was mature. "Idiot," I snap, rolling my eyes. He only grins.

"Hmm, oh, hey," Matt says after a minute, looking up at the clock on the wall. I'm surprised to see that it's almost eleven o'clock - I slept a long time. I guess it's not really too much of a shock though, considering the lack of sleep I'd had lately. "Oi… I'm going to be late for work again…" Cursing under his breath the redhead hops out of his chair; I follow him with my eyes as he runs over to the counter and snatches his car keys, looking at me with slight guilt. "You okay here by yourself?""Yeah, I'm fine," I tell him honestly. I was used to being alone, and in the short period of time I'd spent with Matt I was sure I could make my way around the apartment without any trouble. He nods and scrambles to pull on his boots, jumping up and down on one foot in effort to tug them onto the other without unlacing them. I can't help but roll my eyes."Alright, well," Matt speaks up again, having finally succeeded on getting his shoes on, smiling at me from the doorway. "There's plenty of food in the cabinet if you get hungry, and feel free to play whatever games or watch whatever movies you want - the cable's broken, though."

"Mmmkay," I say casually, leaning back on my chair and looking at him with my head flipped back. _He looks funny backwards_, I think randomly.

Matt lingers in the doorway, looking a little reluctant to leave, fiddling absently with his keys and glancing at the clock every few seconds. I raise an eyebrow, smirking at him. "Just go, you'll see me after work," I tell him cheekily, even though I can understand his reluctance - I'm a tiny bit sad to see him leave, too. "Maybe I'll just take a nap or something.""Okay…" Matt mutters, then grins at me. "Don't do anything illegal.""No promises."He laughs and closes the door, and I'm alone.

It is, quite unsurprisingly, very boring to be along in an apartment. I found myself pacing the kitchen, eating chocolate and standing around, pacing from one side of the kitchen to the other and looking at the clock over and over. It hadn't even been fifteen minutes - h e wasn't coming home soon.

"Fucking bored…" I grumble crudely, kicking the edge of the table. It quakes a little, seemingly pissed at me for kicking it - but of course, it's a table, so it has no feelings.

_Watch a movie, _the more rational side of me suggests. It seems like a reasonable idea. _I wonder if he likes Johnny Depp….?_

Well, I hoped so, because I was in the mood for a Sweeny Todd. I saunter into the living room and scan the area around the TV. It's the messiest part of the house, excluding the kitchen - there are cords and video game systems and various controllers everywhere. He loved those things so much, you'd think he'd take better care of them, but maybe not. Either way, I was finding no movies, shoving a Playstation 3 out of the way to peek around the small TV-stand's compartment. No luck - just more cords and dust.

Letting out a huff of irritation I back up from the TV, scanning the rest of the room. I don't see any movies, but I do spy a table that looks like it might have SOMETHING underneath it. I move over to the table but, alas, no such luck - only some books and picture albums.

I immediately feel like a snoop, but I find myself fingering the leather-bound picture album at the top. It was really none of my business, but… I kind of wanted to look. _Maybe it will have pictures of him as a kid,_ I think hopefully, grinning a little. I couldn't help but try and picture Matt as a baby, but it was hard.

And with that thought curiosity took over and I pulled it out of the stack, grabbed it under my arm, and flopped back on the old recliner. The ancient thing groaned in complaint when my full weight is thrown upon it, but I ignore the sound, dusting off the cover. It's obvious it's been used recently though, because no dust comes off of it like it always does in movies. _Oh well, it makes no difference._

I pull it open - and immediately grin.

There is no baby Matt, but there is a child-Matt; the first picture holds a young redhead with messy, frizzy hair and oversized goggles around his neck, grinning a nerdy little smile with a good few teeth missing. He looked about six, wearing an oversized Ohio State football-blazer - was that where he was from? - and some blue jeaned shorts. Turning the pages, I see him age slowly. Six-year old Matt with a giant teddy bear, slightly older Matt with a tiny tabby kitten in his arms with a delighted look on his face.

Underneath one picture, my heart quakes a little; the picture is of a Matt that looks about six still, sitting on the beach in the sand, tears falling down his face, crying six-year-old tears. There's a woman beside him, hugging him into her arms with a delighted, l aughing smile across her lips. She has slight wrinkles around her eyes, which are bright blue and sparkling with amusement, curly brown hair falling down to just past her shoulders. What gets me is not the woman nor Matt, but the loopy writing - in pen - scribbled at the bottom. _**Summer, Mail age 6, Mother age 30 (again): Mail got sand in his eyes! His crying face is so cute : ) Hawaii is so fun!**_

_It must be his mother's handwriting. _I shiver at the realization. My mother never took pictures of me.

_His mother abandoned him later, though. She didn't stay this great._

It was the truth, I can tell just by the album. The beginning is so fluent and hard packed, seeming like every moment was documented. Matt at six, in his bumbling, awkward glory. Matt at seven, seeming to already be carrying a video game everywhere he goes and was just starting to fit into his goggles, even though they were much too big. Matt at eight, constantly happy and then… nothing.

There were pictures of Mark, though.I knew it was Mark, because there was a picture of their first date, with little hearts around it and a little inscription. **Martha and Mark go on a date! I feel so young, ha-ha! **And then… more Mark and Kate. There was a little Matt, too, but not quite as much. I scowled at the pictures as I turned them. There was the wedding of Mark and Martha, the reception, honeymoon pictures… the pictures of Matt were few and spread apart, and I felt my chest tighten in anger, scowling at any picture that didn't in some way include Matt. The little scribbles at the bottom changed, too. They were practically non existent, and not as personal as they used to be. _**Mail at nine. **_No yay, no little "where the hell he is in this picture" note.

It just bothered me.

Through the few pictures I did get of him, though, I saw him grow up. I saw the pictures of him slowly dissipate and quickly always be "family pictures" rather than any of him simply doing something or going somewhere. I saw him slowly fill in those giant goggles, I saw him grow taller and lankier, saw his red hair get slowly more tamed, saw him start to dress better, I saw his teeth all become adult teeth, and I saw him get more confident in his stance.

And then he hit fifteen, and the pictures stopped.

I felt stricken with shock, flipping through the pages. No Matt. No Matt. No Matt at all. The last picture of him was "Matt turns 15." One picture of his party. Probably not even taken by his mom, by the look of it - it was crooked and a little bit of a finger blocked the corner of the picture, probably a kid took it. Pity and fury built up in the back of my mind as I flipped through, scanning each picture for even a remnant of Matt.

_**Mark at church in his Santa costume. Kate at her school dance - look how cute her boyfriend is! Kate, Mark, and Martha at church. Kate has a slumber party. Mark and Martha have an anniversary. Mark and Martha go on a vacation **_(alone).

And then I came across a picture, and I wish I hadn't.

_**Mail goes to church to fix his little "problem"**_

_**Mail gets purified by the pope.**_

_**Mail is cured!**_

No.

I wanted to be sick. The pictures were so fake, so horribly, horribly fake. There was the pope, looking all sure of himself, Matt dripping wet and faking a smile at the camera, Matt with a fake, horribly fake smile on his face, his eyes speaking volumes of truth - _I am not cured. I am only wet._

I wanted to be sick, but I didn't. I just sat there, staring at the last picture. _**Mail is cured! **_Cured of what? My hands were shaking, and thus so was the book - it was disgusting. Suddenly my problems didn't even feel bad anymore - sure, Matt had a family that didn't beat him physically, but… I'd almost rather always be beaten and hated than ignored and psychologically scarred after I'd been loved previously… It would be like Matt suddenly deciding to ignore me. It didn't seem possible…

I furiously looked through the next pages - there were a couple of Matt, just pictures of him and his sister, but then… I supposed that was when they found out about Alex, because the pictures truly _halted. _They stopped just being less and less frequent - they halted. The only pictures were of Martha; or they were of Mark, the at first glance, attractive dark haired man with narrowed amber eyes… and the fakest smile I'd ever seen; or of Kate, the dirty blonde with chin-length hair and a bitchy grin, glinting green eyes, a narrowed nose and too much makeup.

I shut the book.

I didn't care about them.

Putting the album down, which I now saw said "Family Album" scrawled across the front, I went to put it back, to stop invading on Matt's privacy… when I saw another one. This one was newer looking, with a red cover and the title "Matt's Album." Did Matt take pictures too? I had to know.

So I reached over and pulled it out, repeating the procedure of sitting down with it - much to the distaste of the ancient chair once again - and opened it up, deciding against respecting his privacy (again).

My scowl vanished, and I found myself smiling again.

There were no childhood pictures in this one - the pictures started at fourteen, when he must have gotten his camera, because the first picture was him taking a picture of himself - and the camera - in the mirror quite proudly. It wasn't just one of those lame little digital ones - it was a really nice one. I couldn't help but grin, imagining the look on Matt's face when he got it.

The next pictures were of his friends. I hadn't heard any of them mentioned, but I couldn't help but grin at the captions scribbled across in messy handwriting, written in red ink. One picture in particular made me start laughing, though - _**Matt and Krista go shopping at Victoria Secret - SAVE ME!! **_The picture was of Matt and a curly-haired black girl who was pulling him towards an underwear store, Matt with a horrified look on his face. Just the fact that he didn't know he was gay yet kind of surprised me. He didn't particularly look gay, but in the pages of time he spent with this Krista girl, he did a lot of shopping, and I couldn't help but grin at the pictures I assumed Krista took of Matt waltzing around outside the dressing room, apparently modeling Express clothing. _He had good taste, _I thought for on reason in particular.

There were pictures of other friends, too - a scrubby blonde haired boy with big glasses and an intelligent smile, who according to the captions was named Brian; a nerdy looking girl who looked like she'd be immensely cute if she cut her hair, but apparently didn't know this, named Heather; a girl with a sharp smile and conservative dress, seemed to be kind of more popular than Matt considering her stride in the photos, but I could be wrong, named Emily.

And then he hit fifteen, and Alex showed up. I knew it was him before even reading the captions - he was small and slender with mousy red hair and a huge, glittering kind of grin, and in his first appearance he had on shorts (like, shorter shorts than you'd expect on a guy) and a tight yellow v-neck shirt, clinging to Matt's arm. I had to admit Alex was pretty cute, in a very, very gay sort of way - made me a tiny bit jealous. In the first picture they weren't dating, I could tell because Matt looked a casual and was grinning like he always did, giving Alex bunny ears. The caption was _**Lab Partners… OF DOOM! OMG! **_which I assumed was an inside joke.

Then there was pictures I didn't expect to be in there, and I flinched. They were obviously not taken by Matt, or with Matt's camera, but it was of Matt and Alex cuddling on some porch swing, Matt looking quite drunk and Alex looking like a happy little puppy dog or something. It made me more than a little bit jealous. The caption was in big bold letters:_** CAUGHT! DAMMIT, STACY!!**_

I noticed, as the pictures progressed, that Emily and Brian disappeared. I wondered, vaguely, if it had anything to do with Alex. Krista and Heather stuck around, though - there were quite a few pictures of Alex after what seemed to be when they got 'caught' - group Mall trips, picnics, first date pictures.

And then Matt moved, and everyone disappeared. There was apparently a party for Matt before he left; I couldn't help but notice that, in the pictures of the party, Alex seemed awfully depressed. I wondered how much Alex really cared about Matt, but I wasn't really that pitying of him - first loves never work out.

After the move the pictures got even more frequent. I noticed that a lot of them were actually of Kate - did they get along, I wondered? There were pictures of them hanging out, of them playing monopoly, of them watching movies. There were pictures of Leon starting to show up, too, and I noticed vaguely that there was a time he didn't cross dress - he was actually extremely attractive then. He's attractive now, don't get me wrong - but with the shorter hair and the more masculine outfits, he suited my fetishes better. There were other people too, who I assumed were friends, and pictures of boyfriends - of Adam and Grayson and Chris (and one girlfriend, Cassie) Nothing that bothered me, nothing that made me more or less pleased with the album.

Then pictures of Danielle showed up.

I felt my heart drop. He was beautiful.

I mean it - he was. Or rather, she, at first glace, but he was definitely male. He had dark hair that fell slightly over his face, almost puckishly so, and was silky as anything, falling down just past his chin. Danielle had a feminine complexion, too - tan, perfect skin and soft blue eyes that contrasted with her dark hair and skin. She was short, but lanky and slender looking. He looked so young and pretty, as he was of course only fourteen, as Matt said - but he hardly looked innocent either, mischief and intelligence buried deep in his eyes. In the first picture of him, he was holding Matt's hand - they both looked so uncertain and but Matt was smiling brightly, as he always does. _**Danielle and Matt go on a "blind date" **_was the caption - of course they were awkward. It was a first date.

There were lots of pictures of him, almost endless. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness fogging my mind - there had been pictures of the others of course, but Danielle was… everywhere. And they looked so happy - incredibly, irresistibly happy. They looked like the sort of couple that you'd look over at and say 'gee, I wish that was me.' The tears started building in my eyes at one particular picture, _**Danielle and Matt at star bucks. **_There was nothing special about the picture or place, really - Matt was sitting on his chair and Danielle was crooked in his arm, lanky young arms wrapped around Matt's neck. What was special is how in love they looked. It was just a plain old, every day moment - Matt holding out a camera and taking a picture of them both, his arm stretching to make the feat, Danielle laughing and practically glowing as she did, Matt with that honest, loving smile on his face. The kind of smile that I would have loved to say was mine alone, but wasn't. Danielle had him, too, you could tell just by the way he was holding him.

It made me want to cry.

Not because I was jealous (even though I was, a little). But because it was… heartbreaking. That something like that could be broken so easily, just because of some ass-hole stepfather. It seemed…. So impossible.

_How could you leave him for that? _I think with frustration, brushing my fingertips along the last picture of Danielle. The dark haired boy was blowing a kiss, winking and rocking her hips to the side. _So unfair of you. He loved you, you know. You could have kept him…_

The tears stung my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall. I could just imagine it though, couldn't help but imagine it. Imagine Matt struck down by the boy he'd obviously loved so much, trying to protect Danielle from his father, trying to make him see, and to make Danielle see, too. Matt crying and screaming for his father to leave them alone. Matt realizing that Danielle had left him. Matt never seeing her again…

_Does he look at this album? Does he feel regret?_

But maybe the most painful thing was… I couldn't wish that it hadn't happened. Couldn't pretend like I wished Danielle hadn't left him. I couldn't, because it would be wishing that he was still with him, that Matt was still happily in love… with someone other than me.

The wish was doomed in my mind to never be.

Because, as much as I would love to be a saint and wish the best for him, even if it was at the cost of my own joy…. Well, I wasn't.

_Not like it matters anyway. The bitch left him, so it hardly matters what I think._

Grunting, I turn the page again.

There was lots of Leon. I couldn't help but laugh a little at all the things they did, cheered up immediately. _**Leon looking fabulous in his fairy costume… kind of. **_I had to giggle - the picture was of Leon in what looked to be his store, in some fairy costume. It was pretty gorgeous - gold and shimmery, with little dots of color for flair and big sparkly gold wings strapped to the back. The problem was that the skirt was too long, and he had tripped on it, flying forward just as the shot had been taken, hands stretched out to catch himself; he looked horrified, but he was laughing all the same.

There were pictures of them together, too. There was a picture of Matt and Leon in front of an amusement park - they looked like quite the odd couple, too. Leon had his arm thrown around Matt's shoulders - he was a great deal taller than Matt, who was being squish-side-hugged to the taller man's side. Leon was in guy's clothing for once, his hair thrown back into a ponytail (probably at Matt's request) though he still looked very gay with the rainbow shirt and skinny jeans. Matt was in some white polo shirt and jeans, trying to get out of Leon's arms and smiling at the camera at the same time, goggles fitted on his eyes. _**Leon finally convinces me to go on a date with him - HELP ME, LORD!**_

Ha. Leon. I would have to apologize to him later.

_And thank him, I suppose._

Sighing, I shut the book and shove it back into the pile. There was no use riling up about old memories, Danielle or Leon or anyone else. It was just the past.

"_Just keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter, little shit. It'll never be the truth."_

I shiver, my brothers voice whispering tauntingly through my mind. It was driving me crazy, the way that he could find his way into my mind without even being anywhere close to me. _Was he nearby? _I look around the apartment, but stop half-swing - stupid baka, I think to myself. How would he even find me here? This was Matt's apartment. HE had no way of knowing about the redhead, much less where his house was.

Still, it bothered me all the same.

I flop back onto the couch, trying to keep the thoughts from entering my mind. I can't stop them though - I can still hear his voice taunting me.

"_Stupid Mihael, stupid boy. You can't run from me… I'm everywhere… hiding with that redhead isn't helping anyone._"

_Stop it, Mello. You're being irrational. _I shake my head, trying to dislodge the thoughts from my mind. It was hardly helpful though. I could practically see him smirking at me across the room, cruelly tapping his knuckles on my doorframe, as if he would actually leave if I told him to get out, as if knocking was really going to do anything. _"It's no use hiding under your blankets, little boy. I can still see you shivering, little fuck, you ain't hidden."_

Sighing, I abruptly got to my feet. I was restless, and I really needed out of this house. I wasn't injured anymore, so I could really just go wherever I wanted - my motorbike was outside, anyway, since Matt had so valiantly ran to my house (without my former knowledge) and retrieved it. I was silently thankful that he hadn't run into any of my family members on this particular quest. Without giving myself time to talk myself out of it I scamper into the kitchen, grabbing my jacket and shrugging it on. I needed to get out, just take a walk around, maybe a ride on the cycle. Anything to get from eating myself alive with thoughts. _It's not like it matters - I'll be home before Matt, I'll get some fresh air, and then I'll come back and we can have movie night. Fine and dandy._

How wrong I was.

***

It was a warm, pleasant day out, the sun warming me without making me sweat. I didn't want to ruin the weather with my motorcycle helmet, so I decided to walk.

It really _was _a beautiful day. I found myself keeping my face slightly upwards, trying to soak in all the sun that I could. There weren't many people that I could see, and nobody out there knew me, but I tried very hard to keep the happy little smile from inching across my face as the breeze ruffled my blonde hair as I walked. I must have looked kind of ridiculous; my hair was messy and unbrushed, I was in Matt's clothes, an oversized striped t-shirt that went past my hands with the sleeves and covered partially my butt, and his pants had to be belted tightly and cuffed at the bottom, so I probably looked like an oversized five year old. But I didn't mind.

In fact, I was in a strangely blissful kind of mood as I walked, though I wasn't sure why.

Actually, I'm exactly sure why. It was because of Matt. I was impossibly happy, even though I had only really realized that I liked him back, what, yesterday? Still, I found myself eager to spend more time with him. _Would it be creepy to show up at his work and say hi? Yeah, it would be. _I didn't want to seem like I was clingy - that'd be way too much like…

"Holy shit - IS THAT MELLO?"

I freeze in my tracks, immediately ready to hit the hills and run for it, recognizing the voice immediately. _Speak of the devil and she shall come._

"IT IS! What is he _wearing?_" Another voice, not Jade this time, but Katy, her friend. "MELLO! HEY! OVER HERE!"

I sigh, my mood ruined. _Of course. _Were girls completely unavoidable? Apparently so. Seeing that there was no chance of escape, I turned around to look in the general direction of the voice. There were several girls, Katy, Jade, and a girl I didn't recognize. Jade and Katy were waving excitedly, grinning like lunatics. The girl just stared.

"Oh… hey…" I greet reluctantly, making no move to walk over to them. For a moment thinking that maybe they would just move along and leave me alone.

Apparently this was too wishful of thinking, because Jade and Katy immediately run over, the confused looking third girl trailing more reluctantly behind them. "What are you _doing _out here? And what are you wearing?" Katy immediately shoots questions at me, bouncing as she does, causing her pigtails to dance around at the side of her head. I sigh again, hoping the fake smile I was giving them was believable enough.

"Oh, I'm hanging out at a friends," I tell them smoothly, smiling. "I made quite a mess on my outfit, and so it's in the wash. These clothes are being leant to me." It wasn't _exactly _a lie… I was just leaving out some of the truth.

"Ohhhhh!" Katy gushed, grinning at me. I glanced at Jade a bit nervously - the brunette was smiling at me too, but it was a fake smile, I noticed. A smile that wasn't even half-honest, just smiling as if she was just expected to, and so she did. I wondered, vaguely, why she was being like this. But I guess it wasn't fair of me to care - I was the one technically cheating on her.

Speaking of which. I needed to break up with her soon. I mean, technically we had agreed it was fine if we dated other people, or at least she had. But Matt.. That kind of relationship couldn't be allowed to have extras on the side. Even if it was just for a stupid dance.

Katy is still blabbing on and on about something - "…and we saw you coming down the sidewalk and I was like 'oh my god Jade, is that MELLO?' and I couldn't believe it because you really don't look like yourself. Are you coming back from a party, because I didn't even know there was a party and I would have really liked to be invited, unless it was one of those guy parties…" - when I come to this conclusion, but I still find myself staring at Jade. She's looking back at me now, straight into my eyes, and I can see something there.

Something strange. As if she knows what's going on. As if she knows what's coming.

"…and so I was thinking - _hey,_ maybe Light-kun and Mello are--"

I cut Katy off with a wave of my hand, a simple movement, but it stops her cold when I let my fingertips rest on her lips. She freezes immediately, falling silent and crossing her eyes to look at my hand. "Excuse me," I say as politely and smoothly as possible, moving my hand away to take Jade's. "I need to talk to Jade alone, okay?"Katy looks surprised, looking at Jade, then to me, then Jade, then back again, her eyes wide and confused. But she doesn't argue, nodding her head and prancing off. As soon as she's out of hearing-range, Jade spins to face me.

"What was that about?" Jade asks suspiciously, looking at me confusedly. I see, with a little strike of pity, that there's a tiny twinge of fear in their green depths. I notice, vaguely, that they're blue-green, not emerald green like Matt's.

_Matt._

"Look…" I beguine, but to my surprise Jade speaks up too, at the same time, "Mel…"

We both pause, staring at each other. She shakes her head, waving her hands to let me continue. I'm reluctant to go first but I do. I need to get it over with.

"Jade… you're a great girl," I begin carefully, not at all experienced in breaking up with people. Usually I just annoyed the shit out of them until they broke up with me or some other clever move like that, but this was an urgent matter. I see her face go stony as I continue, kind of feeling guilty as I do, "Really, I did like you, but… I don't think this is going to work, because… erm…" _No excuses. Tell her. _

Jade looks at me with piercing, serious eyes, but I see the sadness embedded in their depths as she retorted, "Oh, what? You found some hotter girl to hang out with? Want someone more flexible? Taller? Blonde? Humm?"

I freeze, taken aback. _What? _

_She's comparing you to Triston. She's afraid._

"No," I whisper quickly, desperately, and grab her arm before she can turn away. She glares at me with hostility in her eyes, but I start blurting my thoughts before she can start. "I've been figuring myself out these couple of days and… it's not just you, Jade. It's… _Matt."_

Jade doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to say, her face flashing with horror and guilt. "Oh… you're mad that I flirted with him," Jade whispered, looking guiltily at me. "I was only trying to make you feel jealous… but I got carried away," she explains quietly. I feel a little bad - the look on her face is so pathetic I could slap myself for thinking bad of her. But of course, she _was _the jerk that flirted with him, and her explanation didn't really make much sense, since we were, you know, already going out at that point...

But she's taking it the wrong direction, and I shake my head.

"Jade, it's not because of that - " _even though I'd have broken up with you for that if not for the other reason… _"- it's because of _Matt._" Surely she won't make me say it. Surely she wasn't that dense. But she just kept staring at me in confusion.

"So you're…breaking up with me…. Because of… Matt…?" Jade repeats slowly, not seeming to comprehend what I'm saying. I scowl and look away, holding my face in my palm. I want to slap her and make her understand through violence, but I know that's hardly the way to go about things.

"Yeah."

Jade scrunches up her nose. _Is she really that stupid?_

I suppose there was no use hiding it. I was done with rankings, for once. If I lost my 'hottie list' ranking because of this… well, it didn't matter. Whatever. Really, it's only academics and sports that matter to me. Well, that, and Matt. If I was number one with Matt, that was the best thing.

So I grab her by the shoulders, jerk her upwards so that she's forced to look right at me, and I say, slowly and demandingly, "Jade, I'm gay."

Three words. Four, if you count the "I am" in "I'm." Just like that, and I've come out to my first person (besides Matt). The feeling is a rush, like the feeling of letting out a breath you'd been holding, only a million times better.

Or worse, if you noticed the widening eyes of the girls in my grasp.

She's silent for what seems like forever, staring at me with bewilderment, eyes growing wider than I'd ever seen them, mouth going slightly slack. Shocked. For what seems like forever, she's just staring at me, disbelief in her eyes, until finally she breaks the silence.

"…_Gay_?" she squeaks disbelievingly, her face slowly turning a slight shade of pink. I know my cheeks must be burning too, but I give her a serious, fierce look that I know must be believable, because she's trembling slightly.

"Yeah. Gay," I tell her bravely, dropping her shoulders and shrugging, as if it's no big deal. Taking a step away from her, I can see that her hands are fists at her sides.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said quietly, voice quivering slightly. I could see she was angry, fiercely so, and I flinch - that was hardly fair, she flirted with other people. It wasn't like we were in a serious relationship, we weren't even really _friends._ But then she continues, louder now, "Why did you even _let me_ do that!? DO you realize what will happen to my reputation? It will burn! Burn! I made out with a gay guy! Do you realize what will happen to me when they find out I made out with a fag? Huh!?"

_Ouch._

"Well, sooorrrryyyyy," I cry, throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. I find myself yelling at her now, without really meaning to, my emotions spilling out in the form of blurted words. "I didn't _know _I was gay! And I never asked for you to _make out with me,_ all I ever agreed to was one date!" My ramblings don't stop with this, anger burning inside of me like a wildfire. "And you flirted away with Matt without even thinking about it! Did you even stop to consider me? We _were _dating, you know! At least I didn't go behind your back… at least not until you started hitting on the first guy who appears at the school! And what should I care about your god damn reputation, huh? You started this whole mess! It's not like I _asked _to be gay!"

Jade has frozen in front of me, seemingly stricken by my shouting. For a moment, I think she's going to crumble and run away, but she stones herself over again, returning to bitch-mode.

"Yeah? Well maybe I only flirted with him because _you _weren't paying attention to me!" she snapped, cracking her neck angrily. "I should have known you were gay, you were so inattentive - I was drawn to other guys because they were _real _men, maybe, unlike _you._"

She made me sick.

And then she made me laugh, because of what she said. It was so ironic. I found myself just laughing, not a happy l augh, either; it was a cruel snicker, shaking my head at her. Taunting her, though I didn't really mean to - it was just something that came naturally to me. Jade's eyes grow wide and glassy, confused by my amusement.

"Matt? You're referring to _Matt _as a 'real man' here?" I cry through my laughter, shaking my head at her. "He's the one who made me _realize _I was gay. These clothes are his - he's been in love with me for a week." Her face goes from bitchy confusion to horror as I say this, and I smirk at her.

"I really did try to be gentle with you, Jade. I was going to just let you off easy, but you're such a bitch. I really did like you before," I continue truthfully, sighing. "You had that beautiful faux-innocence about you. I didn't see this side of you - bitch isn't a good color on you, hon."

Jade suddenly screams, like a little child, and stomps her foot on the ground. A tantrum. I almost laugh a real, truly amused laugh at the stubborn, scrunched up look on her usually pretty face, letting out an angry shriek. She doesn't even give me a chance to continue that she shouldn't give up and all the nice things I had been planning before she turned on me, but she spins on her heel and storms away towards Katy, steaming as she does.

Just when I think she's done talking to me for good, she spins and glares over her shoulder. The look in her eyes is one of hatred. "Don't think I'll be playing nice with you at school, Mello. Everyone will know you're a fag."

I don't let it show that I'm a stricken and more than a little worried at what she said. I only scoff and shake my head. "Whatever," I tell her. "I'm going to come out anyway. As if I even care what girls think of me anymore."

She screeches again and runs after Katy, who's giving her a look of confusion. To my great amusement, she winks at me when Jade's probably not looking, making the 'call me' signal with her hands. I smirk. _Wait till she finds out._

As soon as the girls are gone, though, I collapse onto my bench. God, what a day. _Guess I'm unwillingly out of the closet now… _I had really only planned on coming out to Jade and a few other people first, before letting the public know, but I supposed it was inevitable.

_I wonder what Near will say. _The thought comes to me without my permission, but I have to laugh. I suppose he won't care at all, actually. I can just imagine him giving me a blank, why-do-you-think-I-care-about-your-love-life look. Totally oblivious, more than likely, to Gevanni who's clearly head-over-heels for him. I wonder, vaguely, if Matt and Gevanni are alike in t hat way. _Like puppies, _I think with a smirk.

Then there's the others. I know L won't care - he's gay himself, surely, and he's not judgmental of anyone. Hell, BB's gay, and they're cousins, after all. B and A are no problem at all, of course, for basically the same reason, though I'm sure Beyond will tease me for it. Misa will flip, but she won't judge, except to maybe squeal and demand to meet my boyfriend and dress me in girl clothes - shudder! Light… well, he was gay, but he seemed kind of awkward around other gay couples. Probably because of his upbringing, though I never really learned anything about that yet - I should get on that, now that my own love life was in order. Or at least… kind of in order. Matsuda was cool, he'd be fine with it. Halle and Weddy would freak out, but then probably they had guessed a long time ago, or at least Weddy, and would more th an likely throw a party once they were over the shock.

Then the people who weren't my friends… Butch, for example, would be especially bad in this situation.

I sigh, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I was so tired. I had slept well last night, of course. _That was because of Matt. _However, the general emotional exhaustion was horrible.

I shrug angrily and sit up, glancing around the area. I realize I don't really know where I am - it's an area I've seen before, and I could make my way back, but I'd never actually hung out down here. There's usually a lot of weird stuff happening around, and here's a big, old looking apartment building down the street that looks like it's probably home to a lot of prostitutes, next door to a bar that doesn't even look half-way appealing. Actually, nothing about this area looked as appealing as it had moments ago, when the sunlight was warming my blissful mood and all that was on my mind was Matt. Now the girls who were now driving away in an ugly little minivan had ruined it, and I was in a shitty mood again.

Maybe I just needed more chocolate.

Getting quite lazily to my feet I brush myself off, taking a glance at the ugly little minivan. I spot that Jade is peeking at me from the window, eyes wide and questioning - she doesn't look sorry though. Just curious. Jus t watching.

_Waiting for me to mess up again._

I turn away and head back towards the apartment, a strange tingle in my hands as I do. A familiar feeling, but one I hadn't felt in a long time. Coming back to me like an old friend… or an old enemy.

_No. You stopped this habit. Don't start again. Not now._

I reenter the apartment building, stalking through the lobby, my hands and upper arm tingling slightly, my body trembling just slightly. Ignoring the rational thoughts in my mind.

_Once she tells them, everyone will know. Even her_

_She'll know what I am. It will only give her more reason to hate me…_

My mind goes blank now, not really thinking. As if I'm out of body, another familiar feeling. I hurry for the steps, taking them two at a time. I pass a small family on my hurry up, my fingertips twitching as I do, the tingling situation still unnerving me from my wrists and upper arm. It's only a dark haired woman and her daughter - when she sees me, she immediately hurries her pace, tugging on her young daughter's arm and hurrying her along.

Good. Smart woman.

Finally at floor six, only slightly tiered out by the six-flight hurry upwards - I'm very athletic - I'm struggling to keep my pace to a walk as I reach room 666. Matt isn't in when I burst into the room - good. I'm glad he's not home, not yet.

_He doesn't need to see this._

I know it's wrong, and crazy, but I can't stop myself now. I'm already in the kitchen, already pulling open drawer after reluctant-to-open drawer. Already locating the cooking knives. Already pulling out a slender blade, probably meant for eating steak. Already jerking the sleeves upwards to expose my arm. Already collapsing on the kitchen floor, fighting a tremble in my tingling hands as I clutch the blade.

Already sliding it over my wrists, and I feel like a paper doll, so easily sliced open. It's barely a cut, but it hits my vein. I watch in shameless, morbid wonder as blood is drawn, the scarlet liquid flowing slowly down my arm. The pain is barely anything compared to the buzz in the back of my mind, a horrible kind of pleasure pulsing through me to accompany the pain. Reminding me that I'm alive…

My consciousness slowly leaks into my mind, but it's too late now. The cut is already there, and the blood has stained my pale skin, dripping down my arm. _God, oh god… what will Matt say when he see's this?_

He won't see this, though. He can't.

I get to my feet quickly, running to the sink and running cold water over the cut. The blood that's flowing combines with the water, washing down the drain. The icy chill of the water is horrible, and it makes the stinging pain worse in my wrist, but it's necessary. I shove the knife into the sink, which is full of soapy dishes anyway - Matt didn't have a dishwasher.

_You've done it again, Mello. Good job, morbid son of a bitch, now there's blood on the floor!_

It was my mother's voice, but for once what she said was true. There was a small pool of blood settling on the messy tile floor - what would Matt say if he saw that? But I can't tend to that now - I press a wet rag to my wrist, trying to stop the bleeding. It's not as bad as it had been before, but there's still a lot more blood than I had hoped.

_I hadn't hoped anything, though. I wasn't thinking at all. _I shake my head. God, I was crazy, wasn't I? The answer was easy - yes, yes I was. I wonder, vaguely, as the bleeding slowly comes to a halt, what Matt would think of the cutting. Would he send me to some asylum? I doubted it. He'd probably freak out, though, demand that I stop.

Sighing, I pull the rag away from my wrist. I had honestly thought I'd stopped this horrible habit - it was emo and gross, I knew, cutting myself like this. I remembered when it started - it was about a week after my brother raped me for the second time, and I started thinking of myself as a sick, disgusting person. I started cutting myself.

It lasted only until I was 15. When I hit that time, my mother had found me bleeding all over her living room floor.

_She got the carpet cleaned professionally, with Uncle Bill's money._

_She did nothing to help with my wounds. I never even saw a doctor._

I finally stopped after that. Well at least, it mostly stopped - it still happened occasionally, at times like these. Sometimes it wasn't even on bad days. But this time I hadn't expected the feeling to come at all - it had been months since I'd done this.

It was disgusting.

I sighed, hating myself all over again, and pulled the rag away from my cut. It had stopped bleeding, which was good.

I got to my feet and hurried into the living room, to the window; it seemed kind of ridiculous, but I couldn't hide it inside the rag in the room. And so, shoving away any guilt, I dispose of it, chucking the bloody rag out the window and in the general direction of the dumpster below, not bothering to stick around to see if it landed properly. _I'd rather just not know._

The sunlight warms my back as I hurry away from the window, and for a moment I wish. I wish that Jade and Katy hadn't shown up. _It was inevitable though - I have to give up and come out to everyone anyway. If it happens through gossip, then fine. Easier for me that way._

I tell myself that, but I'm not really sure. Groaning inwardly I flop face-first onto the couch and fall asleep almost instantly, my hand tucked under my stomach, forgetting for a moment, as I slip into a shallow slumber, the photo albums, the chocolate I never got, apologizing to Leon, coming out to Jade, her coming out to everyone else for me, my mother, my brother. I let myself forget, slipping into a dreamless snooze.

**A/N: WELL THAT WAS STUPID AND SUDDEN, EH?Yeah, Mello's a rape-victim, a gay, an inferiority-complex holder, a maniac, a chocolate-addict, and now, apparently, a cutter. Surprise surprise! **

**I'm sure you all LOVE Jade now.**

**(that, my friends, was sarcasm).**

**Yeaahhhh so…. This chapter was stupid, but necessary. Bear with me, young ones. .w. also, I will be finishing Memories after all, but I want to finish Heartburn first. __ WISH ME LUCK!**

**Now I must do STUDY ISLAND. Ug, the horror. The pain. The gruesome, horrible pain…. *sighs and shakes head* MATH IS FAIL. JUST SAYIN.**

**Glomps (and hopefully, for u, no math),**

**~Holli**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I just want to take a second to thank all of my lovely reviewers and watchers!! 8D I love every single one of you, and your reviews and "story watch" alerts always make me feel happy inside!! 3 I'm glad my story is good enough to keep watching ^_^ Also, this is rather pointless and I've said it before, but I'll be continuing Memories. So don't count it out. Lastly, my updates might get even slower on this story than lately… just because it's hard for me to stay in one point of view for too long. No worries though - it shall be completed if I die in the process! It might just be a little slow. :3 kkthnxbai! Enjoy this rather shit-tastic filler chapter!! 8D**

I woke up to the sound of someone humming _Thriller _out of tune.

Groaning, I stretch, my eyes fluttering open lazily. In a moment of drowsy stupidity, my first thought was, _Oh, shit, I've fallen asleep in 's class again! _But of course, that wasn't the case - I was still flopped on an ugly yellow couch in an apartment, the humming came from it's owner.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I turned to peek over the edge of the couch. Sure enough, there he was, dancing around the kitchen and cleaning away, humming Michel Jackson. And when I said dancing, I meant seriously _dancing_. He's got a mop in his hands, and is currently twirling around the room from mess to mess that Leon apparently left, shuffling his feet and bobbing from side to side as he attempted to scrub a chocolate brownie from the floor, flipping his red hair from side to side to the beat of his humming.

I can't help but laugh - he looks pretty ridiculous, honestly. Matt heard, though, and immediately halted his mopping-dance, the humming abruptly cutting off. As soon as he see's me, though, he grins.

"You're up!" he cheers with exaggerated happiness, dropping the mop and leaving it to clatter to the floor as he practically bounded over.

"And you're dancing with a mop," I replied breezily, trying hard not to start giggling all over again.

Matt only grinned wider and, to my surprise, reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the couch and twirling me around. I stumbled a little as he pulls me to him, so that we're nose to nose, him grinning wide and me blushing madly as he replies teasingly, "Jealous?"

I grin despite myself, shaking off my embarrassment and fluttering my eyelashes in an equally teasing fashion. "Maaayybbbeeee…"

Matt laughs and pulls away, but only to slam his fist on his stereo's _on _button (I hadn't even noticed he had a stereo, but apparently so). It turns on to some Elvis tune, which makes me scowl a little though I don't really mind Elvis, but I can only laugh and take his hands when they're offered. I feel like a total child again as Matt pulled me out to the "dance floor" - also known as "the kitchen" - and spun me around, wounding me into a dorky little jig.

_You ain't nothing but a hound dog! Cryin' all the time..!_

"Why _Elvis_?" I laugh rather giddily, bouncing from one foot to the other and swinging around in Matt's arms. The redhead only shrugged, spinning me around again - which, admittedly, makes me squeal like a little girl - before ducking me back on his arm so that I'm leant into an arch; I kicked my leg up on instinct, nearly kicking Matt in the head in the process before he jumps me upwards again.

_You ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine!_

"We must look like such dorks," I tease over the Elvis tune. Matt only laughs - it was true. It's not every day you hear about two guys, one ruffled from sleep and in unfitting clothes, the other in goggles and some Mario t-shirt, dancing around in their kitchen to some oldies tune. Yes, definitely an oddity, I guess. _Nothing I'd ever do at Wammys…._

_When they said you was high classed… well, that was just a lie!_

"No fun otherwise!" Matt replies in a half-joking tone, winking behind his goggles as he jigs us back and forth in a rather dorkish fashion (dorkish is not a word, but it was the only way I could describe it properly, so shut up). I almost trip on his boots, but I'm laughing and grinning like ea fool all the same.

_When they said you was high classed… well that was just a lie!_

"Maybe so!" I agree, then lean to the side and grab his goggles by the strap, snapping them back onto his forehead with a smirk, "Good thing I'm dating a dork then, huh?"

_You ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine!_

Matt yelps at the goggles contact, but he's smiling that honest, lovely all the same, and I can't help but marvel at how his emerald green eyes light up at the word "_dating_."

"You know it," Matt purrs as the song winds down, leaning forward slightly, green eyes twinkling. I wasn't sure it was indeed what he intended for, but I don't allow myself any hesitation, meeting him half-way immediately and pressing my lips to his.

Apparently he hadn't expected that, because he startled a little, but in seconds he was kissing me back, brushing his hand through my hair and resting it on my cheek. _There's another thing you don't see every day - two guys kissing. _I can't help but smirk into the kiss a bit, loving every second of it.

The kiss was pretty casual and only lasted a couple of seconds, but it still left me feeling warm and wonderful, inside and out, my lips still tingling slightly when we pulled away.

Matt seems to second that emotion, his gorgeous green eyes practically glowing as he blurts out, "I love that I can do that now."

I blush, a little embarrassed and caught off guard by his outburst - which I wasn't sure if he meant to say aloud since his face immediately turns a pleasant shade of pink - but really…

"Yeah. Me too," I admit, trying to keep my cheeks from burning.

His eyes immediately lit up again, making the rather gushy comment well worth it. I'm about to cut in with a sarcastic comment to make up for it anyway, but suddenly a million worries find their way into my head all over again, triggered by absolutely nothing but there all the same.

_Jade. Wammys. Mother. Gabriel. Cutting. _

I scowl. _Ouch, bad choice of thoughts, stupid brain… _Matt blinked, obviously catching my change of mood before I managed to plaster a fake smile on my face. Even if I hadn't, though, I have a feeling he would've known regardless.

"Something wrong…?" Matt asked worriedly, eyes widening in a rather pathetically worried fashion. I can see the real question clear in their emerald-green deaths, sending a tiny jolt of guilt through me. _"Did _I _do anything wrong?"_

"Not your fault," I responded quickly to the question that was obvious in his eyes, and shook my head. I decided to bring up the least heart jerking of my problems to explain with as I see relief flicker through his eyes. "Ran into the local whores today, on my walk," I explain.

Matt's worried frown turns into a scowl, nose wrinkling. "_Prostitutes?_" he demands in shock, looking kind of horrified. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

"No, no, Jade and her friends," I clarified through my laughter, shaking my head, the grin almost painful on my lips.

He blinks for a second, then shrugged and waved his hand dismissively. "Same difference," he replied jokingly. I couldn't stop giggling now, despite the depressing thoughts of previous. Somehow, that guy always managed to shove me out of my shitty mood swings, at least mostly. Matt chuckled triumphantly before returning to the conversation, trying to fight a grin as he asked, "What happened?"

I sighed, reluctantly remembering the confrontation, the horrified, bitchy expression on Jade's usually sweet face coming first into my mind. _Yeah, sweet like Splenda - totally fake!_

"Just walked up because her friend, this chick named Katy, saw me. But when I saw Jade I… well, of course, I told her our date was off," I explained as casually as I can, but I could tell he knew I was shaken.

Matt looked slightly awed through his worried expression. "Did she ask… _why_?" he asked uncertainly, green eyes flickering.

I nodded, looking up at him with what I hoped was a bold, meaningful smile. "Yeah," I responded quietly, "And I told her."

Matt looked a bit dumbfounded, eyes widening just slightly as he shifted his position, uncertainty in his eyes. "You mean you told her about… _everything_?" he asked, his voice strangely impressed.

"Yep," I replied as bravely as possible, trying my best to appear unaffected. "She was a _total _bitch about it though," I continue, scowling, "So… I guess being nice to her failed in the end."

Matt's face fell. "Oh."

"Yeah," I replied, and shrugged in a falsely carefree way, even though really I was pretty shaken. "So I guess… well, I'm probably going to be coming out to everyone against my will on Monday." I scowled without meaning to at this, averting my gaze from his.

I heard Matt suck in a breath, and I sighed as his arm came around my waist in attempt to comfort me. It worked, but only a little.

"I'm sorry, Mells," he murmurs sympathetically in my ear as he ran his fingers through my hair with the hand that wasn't holding me around the waist. I can hear his breath on my ear as he continued, "That's awful."

"Not your fault," I grumbled, which is _mostly _true. "Would've happened eventually anyway though, right?"

"Shitty way to do it, though," Matt replied firmly before slipping away from me. He looked simultaneously empathetic and angry, his green eyes gleaning with both emotions as he half-smiles, half-scowls at me. "What a bitch."

"Yeah," I mumbled, shaking my head in attempt to banish the crappy mood. "But you know - what's done is done. I'll loose my hottie list spot, people will gossip pointlessly and react for a few weeks, and then it'll all be old news," I said. I hoped what I said was true…

Matt looks as uncertain as I feel, but I flashed him the brightest smile I could muster. "Don't worry too much," I tell him, delivering him a playful punch to his shoulder. "At least now I can hang out with _you _as much as I want, right?"

This was apparently the right thing to say, because his face lit up immediately, perking up.

"Oh! Yeah!" he exclaims giddily, which makes me laugh - and then makes me squeal in protest when he grabbed me and swung me over his shoulder. "Let's go then!"

"Nooooooo!" I cried, squirming and punching his back. Apparently, this doesn't hurt or he simply doesn't give a crap, because he only chuckles. "Matt! I do not need to be carried!!!"

I couldn't see his face - though I did have a lovely view of his ass - but I could practically _feel _him smirking as he marched us around. "Too bad, so sad! I'm going to anyway!"

"NOOOOO!!!" I screamed again, but my fight was half hearted, trying to fight a laugh. "YOU CREEP!"

"Yes! Ha-ha!" Matt announced, spinning us around and ignoring my jab. I growled, squirming in protest.

"At least let me--"

Just as I was going to suggest that at _least _let me change clothes, since it would be slightly less humiliated to be carried around if I looked fully fabulous, the doorbell rang.

We responded at the same time. "Who could that be?" I asked, just as Matt gasped, "This apartment has a _doorbell_?"

"Put me down," I hissed instantly, and so he did, though his arm was still around my waist when he opened the door.

As soon as he did, he immediately received a kick to the face.

Yeah. You heard me right.

I yelped in surprise as the foot smashed into Matt's face. The redhead screeched in shock, grip on my waist releasing as he flew backwards, the force was apparently a great one since Matt was sent into a collision course with a kitchen chair.

Without hesitation I reacted and grabbed the first thing that looked like it could be used as a weapon, which turned out to be a floral-print vase, completely ready to smash it on the head of whoever the attacker was, who…

…turned out to be L.

The raven-haired man waltzed in a strangely casual way, chewing his thumb as usual, but as soon as he saw the vase he stopped his movement, staring at me with wide panda-eyes. I was shocked, staring at him in disbelief before I cried, voice shrill, "What the _fuck _are you thinking!?"

L opened his mouth to reply, but Matt was on his feet now and, understandably since he didn't know L, leapt forward and promptly slugged him in the jaw.

I wince, resisting the urge to scream for them to stop like on those cheesy movies where some ditzy girl always freaks out instead of pulling them apart. L falls on his butt, holding his jaw painfully. Matt looked fully ready to kick L in the ribs and is about to do so before I quickly leapt between them.

"What the bloody hell!!?" I demanded, voice still shrill with anger and shock, whipping my head back and forth to glare at the both. Matt just looked bewildered - and rather stupid, actually, since he has a foot mark on his face and is half-way between raising his foot for a kick, balancing on one leg and looking at me with bewildered green eyes.

L just shook his head and remained on the floor, muttering something to himself that I couldn't hear.

"Is it safe?" came the cautious twitter from the hallway. I whirled around to see a worried-looking Matsuda in the doorway, followed by a bemused Light Yagami.

"What the hell are you three _doing _here?" I demanded, infuriated by my confusion and the situation and grabbing L's arm, forcibly helping the muttering isnomatic to his feet.

"You _know _these people?" Matt asked bewilderedly, looking equally horrified and curious at the same time.

Matsuda furrows his brows, something that resembled both disappointment and surprise on his face. "We thought you'd been kidnapped or something…"

"WHAT!?!?" I screeched angrily, throwing my arms up in the air. Stupidly enough, the only one who winces is Matt, who was looking gradually more and more confused. Light, for one reason or another, chuckles from behind Matsuda and moves to stand between the two black-haired boys.

"Well," the brunette explains in an oddly cheerful voice, "Matsuda apparently saw this guy," - he gestured to Matt at this part - "carrying you, kicking and screaming, into a building and assumed the worst. When you didn't show at tennis practice today, L decided it was best to try and track you down and believe Matsuda's stupid story."

Matsuda gasped and exclaimed, "HEY!"

L scoffed, ignoring Matsuda like everyone else. "Do not attempt to make this _my _fault, Light-kun - I had insisted Mello would escape if he really wished to and probably wasn't in trouble, but _YOU _made me feel guilty!" he scolded. Light only continued chuckling, and L sighed, looking up at me with expectant gray eyes, obviously irritated with the brunette but curious about the situation all the same. "Why are you here?"

Matt just stood there, looking lost. I rolled my eyes, but inside I was admittedly a little nervous. _What do I tell them?_

Everyone is looking at me expectantly now: quizzically studying panda eyes, uncertain big brown ones, slightly narrowed amber ones, and a pair of beautiful, expectant green wonders from beside me, as always enchanting me into my answer.

_Tell them the truth, of course._

"Well, guys…" I replied slowly, and before I could talk myself out of it I leant to the side and bumped my arm with his, twining my fingers with his both for effect and for the support as I finish my statement. "This is Matt. My… boyfriend."

I get the reply of dead silence.

For the longest time nobody said anything at all. Matsuda just gaped at us, brown eyes huge, his disbelief obvious on his face and his jaw gone slack. Light's own face has gone stony, and I couldn't tell you if he was shocked, impressed, or both. L was looking at me with studying eyes, and I felt as if he were reading me like a book with his pencil-gray eyes, as if he could read my mind just by staring at me. Matt felt tense beside me, but his hand returned my grip and gave me a comforting squeeze, a cautious little half-smile on his lips. I couldn't see myself, but I'm sure I had a similar expression, feet shuffling slightly as I waited for a reaction.

For once, I was glad for Matsuda's inability to stay silent for more than two seconds.

"You're… _gay?_" Matsuda squeaked, eyes huge. Thankfully, he doesn't look appalled - though I hadn't really expected him to, it was my fear regardless - but he does look shocked.

"No shit, Sherlock," I muttered, but my voice is drowned out by Light's as he pried, "But I thought you were taking _Jade _to the dance?"

"He was pressured into it. He already broke it off with her, and she reacted badly, and is afraid that we will as well, but he wants us to hear it from him instead of through gossip, which is why he is coming out to us now." L's blunt voice answered for me, as if it were obvious. Normally someone would be freaked out by his canniness for knowing their personal life, but I was more than used to it by now. Matt wasn't, though, and his jaw dropped.

"Uh, yeah. What he said," I replied as casually as possible, resisting the strange urge to hide my face in Matt's shirt, and also fighting my obsessive cravings for chocolate. I was about to say something else, but I'm distracted immediately when Matt pulled one out - a chocolate, I mean - of his pocket, handing me the bar discreetly. I snatched it in a not nearly as discreet fashion, momentarily too distracted by my addiction to be worried.

"Uhhhh…. Well, that makes sense, I guess," Matsuda pipes up, though his eyes are still full of bewilderment. "So you said he was…?"

"I'm Matt," the redhead spoke up prematurely, giving Matsuda one of his bright smiles. "Or Mail Jeevas, but uh, don't call me that. Matt."

"Touta Matsuda," he replied, returning the smile with his own instant-happiness smile. "Just call me Matsuda, or Matsu if you prefer."

"L Lawliet," L spoke up, smiling at Matt, though he's still rubbing his jaw with resentment. "Just L."

"Light Yagami," Light said, nodding in that manly-man-to-man-hello way. The gesture was lost on Matt, though, who beamed a huge happy-go-lucky grin and practically sparkling as he does, obviously overjoyed to be meeting every single one of them, and for a second he reminds me of an overly-excited, possibly a little confused, puppy. He untwined his fingers from mine in favor of curling his arm around my waist instead.

"Nice to meet'cha," Matt chirps earnestly.

After the greetings, though, we all just sort of stood around in that awkward-silence atmosphere that I couldn't stand as I fought the urge to squirm, nibbling on my chocolate nervously and moving closer to Matt as discreetly as possible.

Matt, being Matt, turned and looked at L after a few seconds, breaking the silence. "Sorry for punching you," He apologized out of no where, giving him an awkward grimace of a smile. It was kind of stupid really, since really he was attacked first anyway.

L blinked slowly, vague surprise and possible amusement flickering in his eyes, shifting and rubbing his feet together as he does out of habit. "Do not apologize, Matt-san," he replied bluntly. "Eye for an eye, as I always say."

"Still…" Matt mumbled, fingering the red mark on his face in that disgruntled - puppy way. It was clear he was honestly sorry about it, which was, as I said, ridiculous in my opinion,

Suddenly Light spoke up, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "Because L here is a socially-retarded heartless human being, I'll say this on his behalf - sorry for kicking you in the face," the brunette apologized, an air of teasing in his expression as he bowed dramatically. L frowned at him, looking a bit flustered (which was a new expression for L as far as I'm concerned). Matt only laughed.

"Thanks," he replied cheerfully, then nudged me with his elbow as he added, "I'd have done the same thing."

_Aww. Matt would rescue me… oh dear god, I'm turning into a lovey-dovey schoolgirl… _

I'm about to reply, but Matsuda annoyingly cuts me off with a pointless pondering. "I wonder how the school will react…?"

Matt stops smiling.

"Huh. Dunno," I said in exasperation, scowling. I was beyond tired of the topic.

L brushed his hand across his lips, chewing his thumb in a thoughtful fashion as he usually does. If I'm right about him, he's probably going over all the possible scenarios in his head. Light just gives me a grim look, his eyes speaking for him. _Things are going to be bad for you. For both of us… _I squirm, trying to change the topic before we're forced into it, sensing impending trouble in the back of my mind. "Sooo, how did tennis go?" I ask as cheerfully as possible.

I was ignored.

"More than likely, it will not be too bad," L said blankly, "After the initial shock, I mean. Mello-kun doesn't actually care about gossip, unlike-" L gave Light a meaningful look as he said this "-some people."

L was right, mostly. I mean, if I heard un _untrue _rumor I set people straight (usually resulting in injury, and not on me). But really, what others - with the exception of my friends and maybe my mom - think about me isn't that big a deal, especially with stupid rumors. What L (probably) didn't know was about Gabriel. He was what made that particular thing hard for me - much as I hated to admit it, there was still a small part of me screaming 'Fag! Shame! Sodomy!' in my ear, even if I really did care about Matt.

"Yes, but there _are _a lot of people who will definitely react badly," Light retorted pessimistically, glaring at L. "Some people have families who will care." It occurred to me as he said this that they weren't just talking about me anymore, and I winced. Matt just looked scared, while Matsuda seemed blissfully ignorant.

"But if he weren't to come out, it would only be worse for him later," L argued bluntly, shaking his head.

"That doesn't make it easier on him!" the brunette shot back, looking irritated and throwing his arms pointlessly into the air, anger in his eyes. "Ever think of that!?"

L turned to Light more completely now. "Well, maybe Mello cares enough about Matt to deal with how hard it is!" he snapped, and I shuddered slightly as I saw his composure crack slightly, gray eyes glistening miserably. "Ever think of that!?"

Light's face paled at L's outburst, and all of us froze, the raven-haired boy's voice echoing through the apartment. Even Matsuda seemed to see the meaning behind what he said, at least partially. Light looked as if he had been physically struck by the retort, looking at L with a gaze full of pain and disbelief. I was simply horrified by the expression on L's face - his pencil-gray eyes were glazed over and trained on his feet, obviously avoiding looking at any of us, lips quivering and jaw set, looking completely miserable and hurt. It was always a painful, shocking thing to watch the person you admire most break down like that, and everything in me wanted to jump in to help him, somehow. But there was nothing I could do, I wasn't foolish enough to think otherwise.

Matt broke the silence awkwardly, flashing a falsely-cheerful smile. "SOOOOO, we were just getting ready to leave, so if you don't mind…" Matt gestured to the door, awkward little grimace on his face.

L blinked and quickly regained his cool composure, as if just remembering where he was. "Ah, yes. I apologize for Light's rudeness, we'll leave," he replied.

Light gasped, thrown out of his shocked, pained air and into his usual composure, half-scowling at L. "MY rudeness!?" he cried in disbelief. L smirked but ignored him, ushering Matsuda out the door.

"Bye-bye!" Matsuda called, still looking frazzled by the events of the visit. I could understand - I was pretty frazzled too. Light was quick to follow the two out the door, no one but Matsu bothering to say goodbye.

I felt guilty about it, but I was pretty relieved when the door slammed shut.

For a long moment we just stood there in the doorway, unsure what to do with ourselves. Matt's arm is still around my waist, and I can tell he's bewildered by the entire predicament. But of all the things Matt could have said, he chose, "L and Light, they're gay, right?"

Ouch. Guess it really was that obvious…

"Yep," I replied, finding no reason to lie about it as I slipped from his arms. "Don't tell them I told you, though."

"No problem," he replied, laughing a bit nervously. I felt a little bad - Matt pretty much got thrown right into the eye of our group's drama-hurricane, all in the process of about five minutes. Oh well - that's what he gets for dating a maniac. _Lovely…_

"My friend's are crazy," I said anyway, shrugging. "Sorry about that. They're not usually that, um… dramatic."

Matt shrugged, shooting me a smile. "No big deal, don't worry about it. They seemed pretty cool," he assured me, nodding. I nod back, but even as I do, I'm certain I'll worry about it anyway.

I sighed and stretched, staring towards the bedroom. Matt stares after me, looking disappointed. "We're not going out?" he asked a bit whinly. I laugh.

"No, we are," I tell him, rolling my eyes, then give him and his dorky nerd-attire a pointed look. "Get ready - we look lame."

***

We ended up at a club.

It was nothing fancy, a kind of beat up sort of place actually, by the name of "The Apple." I didn't get the name, but you know. Whatever. I'd been there about a million times before - mostly because Weddy or Halle or both would drag me along - so I stopped questioning it by now. It was a typical club - dance floor, fog machine, a bar, really loud music, really loud people. The part that kept most Wammys-based kids coming was their lack of concern for the drinking age.

Which was probably why Matt and I were allowed to have these drinks. I wasn't sure what they _were_, but they did taste good, despite the alcoholic tang they had. I leaned back against the bar, my leather-clad legs crossed. I looked pretty hot, at least Matt thought so (that's not me being egotistic - it's a _fact_) what with the leather and all - tight leather pants that clung, leather vest that showed off a small part of my stomach and all of my arms, and my hair was brushed out and silky again.

I had to admit though, Matt looked damn good too - tight, white collared shirt that showed off his lean but strong muscle tone, black faux-leather jacket, tight dark skinny jeans and brown strap-up combat boots, and his dark red hair tamed on his head, ruffled a little in that boyish way but coming across his face in an appealing way. Best of all - no goggles. Anywhere. That had been my request, of course. And, there was no point in denying it now - he looked _hot. _Like those lame girls in movies with stupid country accents always say: 'He cleans up _nice._'

Which pretty much made us the most alluring couple in the bar. I knew this not just because I was _looking _at Matt and he was the most attractive one here, but because people were staring at us, shooting us glances and hoping we wouldn't notice ( I did ) to flat out staring us down from across the room. _Look at the redhead! Isn't that blonde hot? Ohmygod, aren't they CUTE? _The whispers (not really whispers, since I heard them) were everywhere and almost a constant, as were the gazes of half the girls here (and a few guys too).

But what felt the best, at least a hundred times better than the millions of looks we were getting, was the fact that Matt didn't even glance at anyone but me - those emerald green eyes were only for me.

That fact, as I said, was the thing that kept the honest smile on my lips as I sipped the fruity drink, leaning closer to him as he asked, continuing the conversation we'd been having for a long while now at the bar, "The Apple, huh? What kind of name is that?"

"I don't know," I replied, shrugging my shoulders. "I've been here about a million times and I've never understood it. You've never been here before?" It seemed kind of weird that he wouldn't have been here before in a way, because practically everyone I knew had, but then again maybe it was a Wammy's thing.

Matt shook his head. "Nope. I'm pretty sure I've heard of it, but I was never invited," he told me, taking another sip. I find that kind of hard to believe, but I don't voice my thoughts, trying to fight the pleased smile on my face. I felt like a schoolgirl - err, boy…. - or something, but I couldn't keep the smile off my face. It was either because of Matt, who just generally seemed to make people - me - happier like it was a disease or something, or the little detail that this was my fourth drink and I didn't really have a high tolerance for alcohol. Call me a hypocrite for drinking all you want, because of my mother, but I was a _happy _drunk. Or at least, emotional… but I didn't torcher small children when I was drunk, so it was a plus.

"Well, you're here now," I told him, then flip my hair with a smirk, teasing, "And you're hear with me, so you know, even better!"

"The best," Matt agrees, smiling at me. I can't help but want to melt a little, out of no where in particular - his green eyes look even greener somehow (alcohol?), and I found myself leaning close to his face and staring into his eyes with concentration.

He blinks in surprise, frowning. "What?"

"Your eyes," I tell him, feeling my smile drop away to an awed little thoughtful look. I couldn't really place the reason I was telling him this, but it came blurting out of my mouth anyway (alcohol?), "They're green."

"Yeah. Yours are blue," he laughed, rolling his eyes. I stare at his eyes anyway though, not letting my concentration break.

"No, no, like _really _green," I tell him, shaking my head. "Like, the greenest. Some people have that, you know, blue-green color or brownish-green or gray-green, but yours are _green. _Like your hair, how it's like rose red and most people have orange-ish - your _real _colors. Real red and real green."

Matt frowns at me, and for a long moment we're just staring at each other. I forget why I'm sitting there after a second, so close to his face, and he says what I'm thinking. "Hot damn, Mello, you're weird when you're drunk!"

"I'm not drunk!" I lie, returning to my seat and giggling, waving my glass around in motion to the waitress to get me another one. "Do not worry Matty, the great Mello does not get drunk!"

"Lies!" Matt insisted, downing gulp of his drink that most people drink with a bendy straw. For one reason or another, the action makes me giggle even more. I'm not really _that _drunk (on alcohol anyway) but I'm immensely giddy all at the same time. It was an unfamiliar feeling, this one, and like others, not unwelcome. It was the way you were suppose to be when you were partying, I suspected.

"Not lies," I replied bluntly, taking my refill from the busty, dark-haired waitress on the other side of the bar. The girl kept eyeing Matt with a flirty kind of expression, but he ignores her. "I'm not that drunk, I'm just happy."

Matt raised an eyebrow, taking another sip of his drink, but then he smiled at me, face practically glowing in the bad lighting of the club. "Well, good!" he announced over the pounding beat of the techno music in the background. "I am too!"

"You're _always _happy, Matty," I replied, waving my hand. As I wave it, though, I can't help but notice the thin red line that marks where I had cut myself just this morning. _Ug, life sucks. I need another drink…_

"Not _always_," Matt argued, scowling and shaking his head. "I'm only happy with you."

"Awwww!" I squealed sarcastically, then roll my eyes and punch him in the shoulder. "Idiot," I jab. He only laughs, smiling a big smile as I go back to drinking down my drink, trying to at least slightly blur out the worries about my cut. _Not ever doing that again, _I tell myself, though even then I'm not sure I believed it.

I found a new place to focus my attention to all too easily though, or rather a new point of attention forcibly comes into my attention in the form of a pretty dark-haired girl leaning across the bar. I said 'pretty' because in the dim light, she was, and she had a really good body, but her face was rather plain, hair in two frizzy pigtails. But maybe I was just being hard on her because she was looking right at Matt.

"Well _hello there,_" she purred cattily, smiling brightly. _Is she drunk on the job? _Apparently so, because she smirks at Matt and gives him a wink. "What's up?"

Matt seems to completely overlook the fact that she's flirting with him though, not catching it at all. So he grins at her, giving her a lazy little wave. "Hello?" he replied, almost a question in the way he said it, giving her a questioning look. I ignore her completely, going back to sucking angrily on my straw and hoping she'll just go away.

She doesn't. I don't remember now what she said, but it was something with sexual innuendo and was definitely a flirt. This time Matt caught it though, his face paling slightly. Even if I did remember exactly what she said, it would probably scar you (and me) so I won't write it down. I remember what she said next though - "So, whata'ya say? You busy?"

I didn't give Matt any time to reply, moving my body between Matt and the whore-lady, glaring at her. She gives me a dumb look, but I snap, "Actually, he is, so fuck off, would you? He's here with _me_."

I heard Matt chuckle as the whore's face paled, and she spun, stalking away immediately. I smirked and returned to my seat, but not before flicking her off from behind her back. "Did I tell you I love you?" Matt asked, laughing and shaking his head.

I raised an eyebrow at him, giving him a smirk. "Yes, actually. Several times."

"Well, I do," he replied, twisting in the chair and smiling at me. I was a little taken aback by the sudden change in mood, going from joking to honest affection, my face starting to burn with a blush. _Watch yourself, Mello, you're becoming a sap…_

"I love you too…." I mumbled, averting my eyes. _Fuck, see? You've done it now. _it was true, my irrational thoughts were right - I was becoming a total sap and it was all Matt's fault. But oh well, right? Who cared, live for the moment right?

Then again, that could be the alcohol talking, so don't listen to me.

Suddenly Matt grabbed my shoulders, a tiny bit roughly, and swerved me around to force me to look at him. I'm shocked at how dead-serious his green eyes are as they bore into mine, and a swirl of panic goes through me. _Huh? _I fight the urge to shake him off, trapped by his gaze.

"Do not say that," Matt said bluntly, and I flinch in surprise. His grip on my shoulders tightened, green eyes swarming with honest, slight sadness as he clarified, "Don't say that… unless you mean it."

I feel my face start to pinken. On one hand, he was being kind of crazy, but on the other hand… he was right. Did I really for sure love him? I could see the millions of emotions flickering through his eyes as he stared at me - uncertainty, fear of being hurt, love, wistfulness, relief, seriousness, dedication, worry.

_I don't know for sure. And he knows it._

It was true - how could I know for sure? The only thing even close to interaction of that kind was with my own _brother _and that was hardly a comparison.

But I knew for sure that I wanted to kiss him.

So I whispered instead, "I want you to kiss me. For sure."

He blinked, surprised, green eyes flickering with something close to amazement. I could feel my cheeks burning while I waited for a reaction, but he didn't hesitate for more than a few seconds.

Matt's fingers trailed across my cheek, leaning forward and closed the distance between us, lips pressed on mine almost delicately. The kiss was barely a feather of pressure, as if I were made of glass and if he were too rough I would shatter, making my heart leap and causing me to immediately crave more. Whether it was the alcohol or the thrill that was making my head buzz didn't matter anymore, because I crushed my lips on his in return, not holding back anymore. Matt moaned a little in surprise, returning the pressure immediately. He was so warm and soft, the feeling so seamlessly perfect that I wondered suddenly how I had ever lived without this before, how I lived without _him _before.

On instinct I slid off the stool, coming closer still with him. I broke off the kiss for only a few seconds before coming back in for more, not wanting to waste even a second of the sudden wave of passion. I'm not sure now if Matt got any air at all in the tiny break I took, but he didn't argue. Far from it really - I felt his tongue brush across my lips, requesting entrance. I gave it without even thinking about it, parting my lips and giving him what he wanted.

I shivered - he was a good kisser, to say the least. I knew in the back of my head that half he bar was staring at us now, and the other half was looking away in disgust, but the rest of me didn't give two shits about them - all concentration was on the boy who's tongue was currently exploring every inch of my mouth. He tasted like cigarettes and fruity alcohol, but hell if I was complaining. The kiss was nearly blinding, my heart beating so hard that I feared briefly that it would simply burst from my chest, the thrill and passion filling me up to the brink, and my hands on-instinct went about finding their way to sliding up his chest.

Eventually he cut off the kiss, ever the responsible of the two of us. I moaned before I could stop myself when we broke it off - or rather, _he _cut it off, having pushed me forcibly away from him by the shoulders, though gently all the same. The passion - and the alcohol, like everything else - was drumming through my head crazily as I looked up at him, my mind swimming with thoughts, blinding me to everything except Matt's face. Speaking of his face, it was flushed out, green eyes flickering with surprise and his own alcohol-influenced passion.

"Holy shit," Matt muttered pointlessly. I can't help but giggle, but seeing as I was currently resisting the urge to throw myself at him again, it was kind of hard to keep my laugh from sounding unslurred.

"I'm pretty sure I want you to kiss me again, Matt," I told him, head still buzzing. Matt smirked at me.

"Much as I'd love to," he told me quietly, eyes sweeping across the club, "we might want to save it for home. There's people staring at us."

I wanted to tell him I didn't care and resume where we left off, since I was suddenly feeling totally man-whorish, but he was completely right - there were people staring at us from all directions, varying form looking horrified to looking jealous to looking as if they might just nosebleed and die right there where they stood.

"Damn," I muttered. Matt chuckled.

"You're so bipolar," he teased, nudging me with his elbow. My hands, which were still resting lightly against his chest, move to my sides, all of my shame and/or modesty slipping away as I peek at the exit.

"Yes, yes, bipolar, whatever," I mumble, knowing it was true. "Can we leave?"

Matt looked at me with wide green eyes, as if he didn't believe what I was saying. I actually couldn't believe it either - alcohol? - and I scowled. "Not like _that _Matty," I tell him, though I'm not 100 percent sure what he meant. He laughs a little.

"Sure, but if you freak out the taxi driver, you're in trouble," Matt warned teasingly, obviously a secret warning not to throw myself at him too early. My cheeks burnt with embarrassment, but I ignore it, quickly following him out, giggling despite myself.

"Whatever," I retorted, rolling my eyes and trying to un-flush my face (is that a word?), following him out. It's actually pretty cold outside, despite the fact that it's April, but I barely feel it despite my large amount of bare skin. I was still burning from the previous moments before, and I found myself craving more - I sense a tingle in the back of my mind, both from the alcohol and the tiny hint of shame that was because of my raising, but I barely feel it nor acknowledge it.

Matt wrapped his arm around my shoulder and hails the cab, hugging me against him. The feeling slowly died down, but the warm feeling in my chest doesn't, even waiting for some damn cab to finally come. Luckily, a lot of cabs hang around this neighborhood because of all the clubs, and we slip into the yellow taxi.

The seats were uncomfortable.

I sighed and nuzzled closer to Matt, who feels strangely tense beside me, but I ignore it, laying my head on his chest. It was a weird feeling, barely aware of what was going on. We'd been in that club longer than I thought previously, since the sun was going down outside the cab's window.

"Hey Matty?" I suddenly found myself asking, blinking as the thought enters my head uninvited. The redhead I'm leaning on shifts so that he's looking at me, and I tilted my head to meet his eyes.

"Yeah?" he replied, giving me a half-smile.

"This is random but…" I bit my lip, hesitating, then asked, "Was it… was it really painful? Being in the closet, I mean?" My voice quivers a little, seeing L's face in my mind without really asking for it to be there - it wasn't what I wanted to be worrying about, since I had enough problems myself, but I couldn't help it. It was _L. _He wasn't suppose to be sad, especially not over Light Yagami. I couldn't sympathize with him though - I'd never really been 'in the closet.' As soon as I'd realized it myself I pretty much just stopped hiding it. I supposed I could kind of empathize though - it had been pretty painful hiding from _myself_, too.

"Oh," Matt said a bit sadly, shaking his head and squeezing my shoulder, seeming to understand what I'm talking about. He looked up at the ceiling of the cab, seeming to look at something far away as he spoke. "Yeah… it is. Kind of painful," he told me honestly, then chuckled a bit, which startled me a little. "You have no idea how relieved I was when you were open about it immediately you know. You really are brave, coming out right away like that just because of one stupid guy."

I scoffed, punching him in the stomach lightly and snuggling closer to him at the same time. "Shut up. This stupid guy saved my ass," I grumbled honestly, feeling like a sap for saying so. "He's an idiot, but he was worth it," I add, a smirk inching across my lips.

I feel Matt chuckle slightly, though it was soundless, just him shaking a bit. "Thanks."

I'm about to reply - with what exactly I'm not sure, since most of what I said in that time was just blurting out as I thought it - but the stupid taxi-driver cuts us off, looking at us from the review mirror as if he was afraid we'd start making out or something. "This is your stop, boys."

"Thanks, man," Matt replied, throwing some money at him and pulling me out of the car. He smiled broadly and took my hand in his, looking pleased with himself for holding my hand - so much so that I can't complain or feel silly about it, just letting him hold my hand and following after him, grateful that my fingers weren't getting cold.

"Why doesn't your damn apartment building have an elevator?" I complained as we make it into the lobby of the building, scowling at the stairwell. He was on the sixth floor, and it was not a fun climb, even though I was athletic and didn't have much trouble with it in the long run.

Matt laughed, rolling his eyes. "Because it's shit-ville, princess," he told me, winking. I'm about to snap something about how I'm not a princess when suddenly gives me something else to scream about, swooping down and picking me up bridal style. "Do not fret, I shall carry you up!"

"Noooooo!" I exclaimed as he ran me up the stairs, laughing like a maniac. My fight, as usual, was half hearted, and by the time we get to floor 2 I just lay there in his arms, scowling at him.

"You know you're secretly glad you don't have to take these stairs," he tells me coyly, emerald green eyes dancing happily. I scowl.

"How do you even pick me up this easily?" I asked a bit grumpily, frowning. "All you do is play video games all day - how do you even have any athletic ability?"

"It's a mystery," Matt teased, and by the time he does we're already on the sixth floor and he plops me back to the ground at the top of the stairwell. I couldn't keep the scowl on my face at all, and I'm grinning by the time we get to the door. "We're back to hell!" Matt announces, pushing the key into the familiar 666 door. I laughed despite myself.

It was a bit strange how easily the cramped little apartment had wormed its way into feeling like home to me, but then again I didn't really need much - when living conditions were concerned, I was relatively easy to please. Ugly yellow couch and lack of elevator aside, nobody was throwing beer bottles at me. So I couldn't complain. Besides, Matt was there. Cheesy as it sounds, he felt as firmiliar to me as chocolate, and I'd only known him, what… not even a week.

_Live fast, die early, _I thought happily as I flopped back onto the yellow couch in the center of the living room, letting out a relaxed little sigh. "Good to be home," I announced wistfully, laying against the stiff yellow cooshin.

Matt sat down beside me, smiling that goofy puppy-dog grin. "Home, huh? So you finally admit you're staying forever?" he asked, green eyes glowing with hopefulness. I can't help but giggle a little.

"As if you'd let me escape," I tease, kicking off my shoes and pulling my knees against my chest, looking up at him. If I'd been looking for it, I would have noticed he looked even more giddy than usual, but I wasn't. Hell, I was too - it wasn't every day I turned into a total sap-head.

"Damn straight," he replied with a smirk, which surprised me a tiny bit, but not nearly as much as the kiss that came straight after the retort did. I didn't fight it though, since the back of my mind was still that slight craving, and it was ignited on contact. The kiss was aggressive right away, his lips parting mine without any first-permission from me.

I'm not complaining through, letting myself be swept into the moment and returning the pressure, barely noticing but for the buzz in my mind that he's moved forward, hand gone and crept to rest on my thigh. All I can think about is how warm he is, and how good the sensation in my mind was, and that his hair was soft when I tangled my fingers in it, and how he tasted like nicotine.

"Mello…" Matt mumbled through the kiss, shivering the tiniest bit. I smile, deepening the kiss as I do and accidentally clashing our teeth together, but Matt doesn't seem to notice or care.

Suddenly Matt moved forward further, his body pressing closer to mine as he does, hands sliding down to rest on my bare stomach.

And then that's when the reality kicks back in, a million bad memories jumping into my mind. No… it was too much like…

"_If you don't struggle it will hurt less," Gabriel whispered hoarsely, pressing against me roughly, his hand pressing down painfully on my hips. I bit back a gasp, and…_

"Matty…" I mumbled to alert him to the fact that the buzz is gone, but Matt doesn't seem to get the message, lips pressing back on mine again and taking away my ability to talk, and I find myself suddenly hyper-aware the light weight he had on my shoulders and legs. It felt good, but…

…_I bit back from finding any kind of noise, despite my need to start screaming. No one would hear me anyway, and it would only give him more to be pleasured about as he ground against me, his knees digging into my thighs slightly as he ripped the fabric shirt off of my chest. "Gabriel!" I cried in protest, but he didn't respond._

Matt broke off the kiss and I sucked in a breath, panic swimming through me. I could see the need in his eyes, and knew it was fueled by love, but the face I saw in my mind was…

_Gabriel's face was twisted into a nasty grin as he looked down on me, the icy blue of his eyes speaking volumes to me. They said 'you are mine now. You are nothing.' There was nothing but lust in his eyes, blind to anything but his own sick need for pleasure._

"Matt, please…." I breathe, but he doesn't interpret it the way I mean for him to, hands trailing away from my stomach and through my hair as his kisses trail down to my neck. I bite back the moan that tries to break through to my vocals, because…

"_You whore, you probably enjoy this," Gabriel hissed heatedly, jerking my hair along with my head to the side. I groan, but not in pleasure but pain, his knee jabbing into my crotch. He smirks, jerking my hair. "Why don't you just admit it? Faggot."_

My throat is dry, and I can't make my mind banish the thoughts, the panic too clear in my mind, stoic and unable to respond the way that I should, a tremble going through me.

And then his hands inched upwards and under my shirt, making me shiver, gasping in surprise and panic. Mat smirks a little, and I can't think clearly. All I can see is Gabriel, Gabriel Gabriel, and I can't… "Matt!" I cried, squirming.

He seems to misread my actions, eyes flickering as he looked up at me in a teasing way, the smirk growing on his face. "You're so cute," he murmurs, kissing my neck gently, but all I can feel is his hand on my chest…

"_Stop! Gabriel!" I screech, squirming. Gabriel laughs cruelly, pressing his palm against my chest and smirking broadly. He doesn't bother to reply to my cries anymore, his other hand jerking at my belt loop. "Gabriel…"_

"MATT!" I scream, my voice going up several octaves. At my voice Matt stops, looking up at me with wide green eyes, but he doesn't move other than that. I can't see what he's doing or what his expression is saying anymore, I can only feel the panic. "STOP! STOP IT!"

Matt obeys immediately, pulling away. The panic starts to die down, but my heart is thumping painfully as I pulled my legs against my chest to protect myself, even though I'm sill fully clothed but for my shirt having been pulled up a bit. Matt stares at me with wide green eyes, shocked. "M-Mells?" he stammers, eyes flickering.

The panic is still swimming through me, and I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, "It hurt…" I cried, and I realize with a jolt that I'm trembling. "It'll hurt, Matt, you can't… why…"

Matt reached forward, probably to brush my hair away from my eyes, but I winced away anyway, struggling to keep my breath steady. He stops half way, hand just sort of lingering there where I'd moved from, looking hurt.

"Mello… I would never hurt you…" Matt whispered, voice trembling and desperate as he pulled away from me. I avert my gaze to my knees, drowning in emotions. Pain, pity fear, want, abandonment, sadness, anger… Why did it have to be this way…?

"Mello, _look at me,_" he asked in a pleading voice, voice going up an octave. "_Please. _I love you, Mello, just tell me--"

"Just get out!" I cried, shaking my head and fighting the overwhelmed tears that were forming in my eyes. As I shook my head, though, I saw it. Matt staring at me with a contorted, miserable expression on his face, tears glistening over them. Saw the hurt there, and I knew that I really was as heartless as my mother says I am. Because I didn't care. All I could feel was the panic, all I could hear was the voice in the back of my head screaming for me to run away. "Please, Matt! Just…. Leave, please…."

Matt looked as if I'd physically murdered a part of him, crumbling a little there. But he didn't argue, moving slowly to his feet in a slow, painful manner, eyes on me the entire time. I watched him go to the bedroom, looking at me every few seconds as he did. In the doorway he paused giving me a hurt, painful look. "Wish granted. I'm gone."

And gone he was.

But really, that only made me feel even worse.

**A/N: T_T I would do a "least fave charrie poll" but we all know who would win THAT. (I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Gabriel.) **

**Anyway…. Yeppers. TwT This chapter kind of sucks XD'' sorry. Yeah. Um. Yeah. I'm going to go make a one-shot to get my mind out of Mello's before I go to bed. Kkthnxbai.**

**p.s. if you, like mello, were wondering "Why Elvis?" i'll tel you - too much oldies music. Same with Thriller. XD so sorry if you hate oldies music or something, just ignore it. i just had to include oldies music somewhere, somehow. so yeah. tottaly irrellevant to those of you who are sitting there screaming "DAMMIT MELLO, GO COMFORT POOR MATTY! DONT SEND HIM AWAY YOU IDIOT!" but i can't do anything for those people. sorry. ;D**

**_*edited by ~Luna_**


	16. Chapter 16

**Agent: Mihael Keehl AKA Mello**

**Problem: A certain messed-up blonde pushed his boyfriend away and acted like an ass about it afterwards, didn't give Matt time to say anything nor did he explain the situation at all. Plus, the mystery blonde can not sleep knowing he's been such a bitch; Urgency: Medium-High**

**Mission: Retrieve boyfriend from bedroom, make him feel better, apologize, and all at the same time save own dignity.**

I had my mission, and now what I needed to do was fulfill it.

Yeah, I'm a nerd for referencing spy movies, but it kept my mind off what I was actually doing as I slipped off of the ugly yellow couch. I had to do it, no matter how jerk-faced I felt at the moment. I had to make everything okay again, or risk loosing Matt, and cheesy as that sounds that was fearsome enough to make me get over myself and get my ass off that couch… with the help of spy movie reference.

(Yes, I'm a nerd. But hey, whatever works.)

Agent Mello was off!

I tip-toed my way across the carpeted floor, which proceeded to squeak with nearly every step I took. And not just barely - to me, at least, it sounded like a dying sheep every time I stepped on one of the looser parts of the floor, making a _CREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK_ sound every single time. No joke.

_Now is not the time to be cussing out the floor, Mihael. Focus._

I took a shuddering breath and shuffled across the floor further, trying my best not to make any noise. I'd love to tell you that I was ready to just leap in there, announce myself and demand he forgive me. But it would be a lie - I wasn't one for confrontation, to say the least, unless of course that confrontation included slugging someone in the jaw. Which this one did not.

Sighing, I made it to the edge of the doorway, pressing my back tip-toed spy style. I was admittedly struggling to keep my breath steady - I'm not sure now what I was afraid of, but I had this overwhelming fear that something bad was going to happen when I got in there. The dread of impending doom, in a way. As if Matt would ever be like that to me, that was my mother and Gabriel, not the redheaded nerd. But none the less…

_Focus, Mello. You have a boyfriend to confront._

Right.

I sighed and tilted my head to the side, pressing my ear to the door and listening for any sounds of life. I didn't hear anything, which I judged to be a sign that he was asleep, but I couldn't be sure. There was always the chance that he was laying in bed unable to sleep, as I had been for four hours previous to this. _Damn, I hope not… _That would only make me feel worse, for sure.

Sucking in another deep breath I closed my fingers around the door handle, pushing it down. It made a tiny _click _sound as it opened, and I thanked god that it wasn't locked. Carefully I pushed the door open, wincing as the hinges moaned in complaint, seeming to echo throughout the darkness of the bedroom. I froze at the sound, holding my breath, suddenly expecting Matt to leap out and demand that I GTFO as I had done to him just a couple moments ago.

But this was not to be. My eyes slowly adjusted to the lighting in the room, and I could make out the bed and the form in it. Matt had his back to me, shoulders gradually moving up and down with his breath. Steady breathing = probably sleeping. Good.

Shifting my weight I tip-toed through the door, inching the door - with another painful complaint from it's hinges - back shut, eyes trained on Matt the entire time. He didn't move nearly at all, and I judged this to mean he was asleep.

I took a deep breath, knowing I was being silly for being all pointlessly sneaky and delaying the confrontation, but I was never one for being mature. Gathering my "bravery" I took another step forward… only to annoyingly trip on a cord of some sort. Biting back a scream I stumbled, landing harshly against the table beside me, which made no delay in screeching in complaint to my contact.

Cursing under my breath I balanced on the foot not caught in a cord - which appeared now that I saw it to be attached to his laptop - fighting with the tangled mess that had snagged my sock. I realized I must have been making noise when a muffled sound comes from across the room.

I whirled when I heard it, almost falling over and onto my ass in the process but managing to balance enough not to. Matt, thankfully, hasn't moved, only shifted slightly in his place. _Good. The mission is not yet failed! _Letting out a shaky breath I bent down, thanking myself for working on my balance as I did for tennis, and tugging the sock off of my foot, along with the other one. The feeling of only having one sock is not a good one, very strange, and…

_Focus._

Shaking my head, hating myself for not being able to focus because of my ragged tiredness and nervousness, I sat back up on two feet again, leaving the socks behind in the tangled mass of electronics and gathered myself again.

After a moment I inched forward, tip-toeing across the room and managed to make it to the edge of the bed without further disaster striking.

Matt's seemingly sleeping form was making next to no noise, but for the quiet sound of his breathing, body nearly swallowed by the downy comforter but for the top of his head, the goggles discarded at the edge of the bed.

_Agent Mello has completed phase one._

Licking my lips nervously I inched closer to the bed, sitting down on the mattress as slowly and silently as possible. Which turned out to not be very quiet, because the mattress made a groaning sound. _God, Matt, your house is grumpy…_

Shaking my head to get he pointless, distracting thoughts out of my head, I twisted so that I was facing him better, pulling my legs underneath me and sitting on my bare feet. Matt looked so still and stony, yet peaceful at the same time. I sighed and, then, suddenly had the urge to reach over and piece my fingers through his hair. It was an odd impulse - even though we were dating, I had a confrontation to do, and it was no time for me to be playing with hair.

_Do not distract from your mission, Mello._

…but then again, one little ruffle wouldn't hurt. Maybe, I thought as I lifted my hand gradually from the bed, I could be gentle enough to not wake him up as I did it. The still slightly frightened side of me relied on this as I slowly reached my hand out to brush my hand through his hair, my fingertips barely feathering on the red locks and…

"You're the most terrible sneaker in the universe, you know. Like, ever."

_Oh, shit._

I froze, not moving from my place as the sound of Matt's voice seemed to vibrate through the room, shattering the near-silence it had possessed before. Part of me wanted to make a break for it at that moment, but I knew it would be pointless and only shred up my dignity even more in the long run.

_Mission: Failed_

"Were you awake that whole time…?" I whispered shakily, feeling a blush blossom on my cheeks. I heard Matt sigh beside me, shifting slightly, but he didn't turn to face me, only giving me a lovely view of the back of his head.

"Yeah. I heard you pacing back and forth outside," Matt replied bluntly, and I ached to hear that the usual teasing affection in his voice was blanketed with tremble and uncertainty, as if he was afraid of me or something. I couldn't place it, but something about his voice was scared. I bit my lip, unable to help my nervousness.

"Oh," I muttered, squirming a little bit. Matt didn't say anything again, forcing me to continue my talking. "Really that loud, huh?" I stalled.

"Mello, why are you here?" Matt's voice was hopeful and slightly pained, though he still wasn't facing me. I jolted at the blatant reply, a sudden wave of frustration sparking my temper.

"I was getting to that!" I retorted, feeling blood rise to my face. To my immense annoyance and relief (if that's even _possible_) Matt chuckled just the tiniest bit beside me. "This is not a laughing matter, Matty," I complained quietly, pouting and looking away, the seriousness of the moment (if playing secret agent didn't already) ruined by the laughter. "I come here to apologize to you and all you can do is laugh… shame on you."

To my surprise Matt flipped over to face me, tilting his face upwards. His face was blank and thoughtful, green eyes glazed over slightly. I couldn't quite read his expression, his green eyes seemingly endless as they stared at me, as if I could drown in them by just meeting his gaze. And so I didn't, looking down and glaring at the comforter.

Finally, Matt spoke up. "Mello, you don't need to apologize. I shouldn't have been so forward with you," he replied quietly, sitting up into a seated position as he did. My head snapped up, for some reason offended by what he said.

"What do you mean by _that_? I asked for it!" I demanded, face burning. I couldn't place why, but the idea of Matt being afraid to be forward with me was frightening and unpleasing, even if him being "forward" was what scared him away in the first place. Matt looked as confused as I felt, and startled by the comeback, eyes widening slightly. "I'm the one at fault here, jackass, not you…" I grumbled, looking away again. "It's just… Gabriel."

"Look, I get it," Matt tried again, squirming slightly. "But seriously - I should have responded the first time you yelled. I didn't not hear you… I just thought…" he shook his head, shrugging. "I figured it wasn't--"

"Stop apologizing," I snapped again, and to my surprise and his I cuffed him over the side of the head. He yelped in surprise, even though it couldn't have really hurt him, eyes going on a shocked blinking-frenzy, jaw going slightly slack in surprise and confusion. But he obeyed all the same, falling silent and giving me a chance to continue my own apology.

Thing was that, at this point, I wasn't even sure what I was going to say anymore. Groaning in frustration I flopped on my back, glaring up at Matt sitting above me, that dumb look still on his face. "You made me forget what I was going to say," I informed him accusingly, avoiding meeting his eyes.

"Oh, yeah?" Matt inquired, chuckling cheerlessly. "Sorry about that."

I sighed, blowing the hair out of my face. _What exactly WAS phase two again…? _

"I don't even know anymore, man," I grumbled under my breath, closing my eyes and wishing all of this would just go away, including yesterday night after the club. "I fucked it all up, didn't I?"

Matt shifted beside me, and when I opened my eyes he was laying down beside me, looking at me with a quizzical expression. I blinked in surprise at how close his face was, drowning as I had feared previously in the emerald green of his eyes. He smirked a little when my blush deepened on my face.

"You kind of did," he admitted, but the air of teasing had returned to his voice. I gasped in anger, slapping his shoulder.

"You're suppose to deny it, jerk off!" I cried, but I felt the rush of humor flash back into me without notice. He laughed, green eyes flickering with amusement.

"Well," he said cheerfully, reaching out and ruffling my blonde hair affectionately. I blinked at the action, watching the coldness of his eyes previously melt away to green pools that shone true, as they were as I remember them. "You _did _apologize, so you couldn't have messed up too badly."

"Jackass," I grumbled, but the jab was half hearted, flipping over in my position so that I was laying on my side facing him. His grin only broadens, showing his white teeth.

_How does he keep them that white with the smoking, I wonder…? _My mind inquired randomly, but I swatted the stray thought away, smiling back at him. "So… you forgive me?" Matt whispered almost inaudibly, voice slightly uncertain.

I shrugged, blushing a little again. "Only if you forgive _me,_" I replied a bit childishly, and he smirked.

"Well, then there's no need," he murmured, suddenly wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I froze at the closeness for a second before allowing myself to relax, taking in his scent and warmth even in the awkward position. "I was never mad," he added with a chuckle.

I gasped in irritation - he sure had _seemed _mad! I wriggled closer to him, nuzzling my face in his shoulder and promptly biting him in the neck as punishment. He squeaked in surprise, winning another smirk across my face. "What the bloody hell was that for?" he demanded, face burning with blush.

Grinning, I cuddled closer to him, burying my face in his shirt and allowing myself to relax. I didn't bother to reply, just settling happily against him, using his arm as a pillow. After a second he seemed to drop the subject, relaxing against me and wrapping his arms around me tighter.

"You are such a child," he murmured under his breath, legs coming around to wrap around my own bare ones (I'd taken off the leather pants in exchange for boxers previously). I shivered against his warmth but felt nothing but safe, the panic sense banished to the back of my mind in the calm atmosphere under the comforter.

"I know," I replied just as quietly, smirking. He laughed a tiny bit before resting his lips on my forehead, pulling me closer to him just barely before allowing his arms to relax as well. It was strange how natural it felt, curled up in his arms, like two pieces of a puzzle that simply clicked together perfectly; it was a satisfying feeling, fitting together like that, and I couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy.

And with this light, airy feeling of relief and protected warmth, I slipped over the edge into a blissful sleep, my last thought drifting through my mind nearly unnoticed. _This is fine tonight, but what will we do when it happens again…?_

***

That night, I dreamt of Gabriel.

"_This is all your fault, Mihael! You demon! Don't you even remember your own father!?" My mother was standing over me, her eyes like blue fire as they stared down on me. I was only two - of course I didn't realize what I did was hardly even my fault. I just stared up at her, confused. _

_She screeched in irritation and marched away, flowing black dress flying behind her. We were at a funeral, I remembered - everything was black. My mother was so pretty that day, more beautiful than she ever was afterwards. She dressed up in a long black dress, and she had icy blue eyes that could see right through you, not yet dimmed and dulled out by the alcohol and lack of sleep._

"_Don't worry, Mihael," Gabriel said under his breath as he slipped around the corner from where he was watching, coming to stand beside me with a reassuring smile on his face. "Mother is only upset. She'll get better now that Daddy is gone - just because you killed him, we're going to be okay now. I'm glad you're a demon - if you killed Dad, then at least we won't have him around no more!"_

_He was seven then, maybe eight, with messy blonde hair in a buzz cut from when he was in football that year, grinning at me happily. I loved my brother then, I remember that too, but the feeling is fuzzy, like it happened to someone else rather than me. _

_I smiled half-heartedly. I killed daddy… I could only half-way remember the man, he was simply a face that came and went back then, even if he had only died a few days ago. He never even acknowledged me except to throw things at me, and at Gabriel. I wasn't sure how I had killed him, but if Gabriel and Mother said it, then it must have been true. That was the thinking of a two year old, anyway, even an abnormally smart one. "Thanks."_

"_You don't have to worry," Gabriel repeated, putting his arm around my shoulder. Back then, this was a comforting feeling, and I grinned happily. "You're with me, Mihael. You don't have to worry about nothing' no more, 'cuz I'll protect you, even if you're a demon or whatever, okay?"_

_"Okay." I replied happily, smiling at his kindness as well as his lack of proper grammar. I didn't know about the demon thing, but it sounded like a good deal to me._

_What happened to those days? I could barely remember now, what had happened, it was like it wasn't even real now. Like watching a movie or standing outside a window, watching it happen to someone else… the memory blurred to another one, this one even more painful._

_I stared at my hand, with the three bloody scratch marks across it, then back up to the cat who had done it to me. It was a scruffy stray one, with tabby fur, hissing at me. Gabriel was running over form the other side, but I ignored him, wanting to cry. It stung like hell._

"_What happened? Did that damn cat do that to you!?" Gabriel demanded, coming up beside me with fire in his blue eyes. He eyed the cat with fury and hatred once I nodded, reaching out to take my brothers hand. It was about two months after the funeral, and I was still clinging to him all the time, gripping his arm._

"_Give me strength, demon," I swore I heard him mutter, and then he suddenly attacked, swinging the bat he'd been playing softball with. _

_I heard a crunch, saw fur and blood fly, and the cat was dead._

_I could hardly remember any of it, except that Gabriel beat the shit out of that cat, clubbing it right to death, screaming profanity at it. Most people would have screamed, especially at age two. I should have, should have screamed for him to stop, watching the bat be smashed onto the creature over and over again. It was screeching and yowling, obviously in pain, eyes bulging out as it was beaten to death, blood flying everywhere. I should have screamed…_

_I didn't. I just watched, blankly, as Gabriel killed that cat. I was only two, but it didn't even matter to me. I stepped forward after the deed was done, Gabriel standing over the cat with a bloody bat in his hand and a slightly cocky grin on his face, and fell to my knees beside the creature. It's amber eyes were still open, pupils dilated, seeming to stare at me as I touched it with my palm, feeling the warm blood on my fingertips._

"_You killed it," I whispered, trembling slightly._

_I heard Gabriel grunt, looking quietly proud of himself. "I had to protect my brother," he told me happily. It was a gut-wrenching thing, what he said. _

_And then my mother ran outside, screaming and accusing. I don't remember what happened, but Gabriel turned the story around. Insisted that he had done it for me, which was partially the truth. Mother freaked out. She told me that I was a demon, that I had given him the killing fury to kill that creature._

_I didn't know what to say, looking at Gabriel for him to argue, to protect me. But he only nodded in agreement, glaring at me. "Why'd you make me do it, Mihael? Why didn't you tell me to stop?"_

_I didn't know why. In those days, after what Gabriel told me, after Mother had told it to him, it appeared to be because I was evil. This belief just kept coming up in my life so much that I figured it was simply the truth._

_The dream blurred out and suddenly it wasn't outside anymore but up in my room, an eight year old crying on the rug, feeling abandoned and forgotten. I deserve this, I told myself over and over again, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why does it hurt so much?I didn't want anyone to come in after me and see me crying like a baby in here, but here came Gabriel none the less, a concerned look on his twelve year old face. I wouldn't have told him before, especially now that I was invited to Wammys and had proof of it, but I was still smarter than him, despite our large age difference. So when he came in and peeked through the door, I noticed immediately that he had a slap mark across his face. My mother must have done it._

_I said nothing of it, scooting over a little reluctantly to allow Gabriel to sit down beside me on the small, round white rug below me. Even in the dream I could feel the rough texture beneath my young hands, my blonde hair falling in my face. "Don't listen too much to her, Mihael," Gabriel insisted, reaching out and patting me on the shoulder. "She's just upset about Daddy still. She didn't mean to forget your birthday."_

_"Well, she did," I retorted. I had already started developing my temper at this age, shrugging his hand off of my shoulder. Gabriel frowned, and I could see the word 'demon' flickering though his eyes without him having to say it._

"_You're an idiot," he informed me bluntly, but didn't move forward again, hugging his legs to his chest and resting his chin on his knee. I scoffed but remained silent, picking at the carpet on the ground below me. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, he spoke again, "_I _didn't forget your birthday, you know, Mihael," he said, looking up at me with glimmering blue eyes. _

_I had to smile. "I know you didn't, Gabriel," I replied cheerfully, heart warming a little. At that age, my brother had been my everything, and I quickly forgave him for his comment at that moment, scooting closer to bump my shoulder with his affectionately. "Why is it Gabriel always remembers?" I inquired curiously._

_Gabriel grinned at me. It was a question I asked often, and I always got the same answer. "Because I'm your big brother," he replied, the boyish smile that he had not yet lost spreading across his lips and showing his slightly crooked teeth. "And it's my job to take care of you." I smiled a big, innocent little smile, brushing my already long blonde hair behind my ear and taking in the features of Gabriel's face. It was still soft and boyish back then, just on the verge of hitting his growth spurt. He had messy brown hair in a mop at the top of his head and big blue eyes, still untainted by the horrible world and full of blissful cheer. Even though he'd already grown a morbid side to him - he'd proved that with a cat and other instances unmentioned - he was still my brother then, still the Gabriel I knew._

"_Mihael loves you the most, Gabriel," I told him, feeling an embarrassed little blush rose my cheeks. Gabriel rolled his eyes, a grin spreading further across his young features._

"_You're stupid, Mihael," Gabriel accused, but wrapped his arm around my shoulders in a half-bear-hug despite himself. I grinned, feeling a happy little warmth go through me. _

_"Oh common, Gabe," I tease, squishing a little closer to the brunette boy beside me. "You know you love me most, too." Gabriel scowled at me, but after a second of staring at each other he relented into a boyish pout, cuffing me over the side of the head. _

_"Fine, fine, I love you the most too," he allowed, causing me to giggle happily, the brother-love-stuck part of me singing with childish happiness. Seeing my joy-filled expression and, as it is his job, he quickly added, "But Julie is a close second. And Mary, too."_

"_Well that's a different love," I told him stubbornly, shifting to pull out of his arms. My thoughts jumped to Julie and May, the two twin girls that were in the class above Gabriel. He'd had a crush on the both of them for the past school year, though Gabriel tended to prefer Julie from what I had gathered at the time. "You love them like you love girls. I'm love like a brother, right?"_

"_Oh, well DUH," Gabriel cried, smacking me a little too hard over the head with the back of his hand. I flinched a little but didn't cry out, knowing it was meant as a playful hit. "Idiot! I'm not a fag like you!"_

_I flinched, surprised by the comment, a blush flushing through my face along with a spark at my temper. "I'm not a fag!" I insisted, punching him on the arm as if that would prove the point. Gabriel snickered, shaking his head._

"_I was KIDDING," he insisted, punching me back, again a little too hard. I winced, but managed to turn the action into a wounded half-smile. _

_"But you still love me, right?" I inquired, suddenly concerned._

_Gabriel scowled. " 'Course I do. And good thing for you, too," he added, smirking and wrapping his arm around my shoulders again. __"'Cuz you're stuck with me forever." I smiled, leaning my head on my brothers shoulder and thinking nothing of the comment. How was I to know that, in only five short years, Gabriel would completely turn on me? That this seemingly innocent brother who loved me the most, would turn into…_

_Into…_

_Gabriel's young-boy face suddenly started to melt, shimmering slightly. I opened my mouth to scream, everything suddenly twisting around and distorting, but all I could see was my brother's smiling young face transform into a scowling, drunken face of a man. And all at once I wasn't in my room anymore but against the wall in the kitchen, an all too familiar and revisited scene._

"_GABRIEL! GABRIEL, STOP!" I shouted, scooting away from him. I couldn't believe what I was seeing - my brother was looming over me with that lustful look in his eyes, that look he gave the whores he always brought home on weekends. Where were those girls now? Why was he looking at me that way? Gabriel had turned into a jerk lately, but he'd never… he wouldn't, right?_

_At fourteen, it wasn't something I was oblivious to, the fact that people weren't good and that rape happened, but I never imagined…_

"_Stop complaining," Gabriel hissed, grabbing me by the hair and pulling me up. I screeched and clawed at his hand but he didn't relent, dragging me to the living room rug and tossing me there. My head smacked painfully on the floor, but it was nothing compared to the pain I would endure in the next few hours…_

_***_

"MELLO GET UP!"

My eyes flew open and I found myself in a cold sweat, heart pounding in my chest at a rapid rate. Matt was sitting above me, his face twisted with concern, his hands gripping my shoulders, probably from shaking me awake. Instinctively I shrug his hands away and roll out from underneath him, curling my legs against my chest in a blank panic. It downed on me gradually that I was awake again, and my heartbeat slowly returned to their normal rate.

Matt placed a tender, uncertain hand on my shoulder, warm fingertips leaving a tingle where they laid. "Nightmare?" he asked empathetically, voice gentle. I nodded my head, Gabriel's face still etched in my mind - not older, scowling, ruined Gabriel but young, loving Gabriel.

"You okay?" he murmured with concern, hand moving to rub my back comfortingly. I sighed and nodded again, leaning against his hand and remembering the previous night. Gabriel had ruined that passion, I recognized that, and now he had ruined my chance at a good night's sleep as well. _Thank god you forgave me, _I thought with a shudder as I met Matt's deep green eyes.

"I guess so," I whisper, nodding my head. Matt's hair was bed-headed and messy on his head, eyes still rimmed with sleep, but he still looks handsome as ever. Suddenly, I feel myself blurting, "Do you love me the most, Matt?" Matt frowned, looking confused.

"Of course I do, Mells," he replied gently, brushing the hair away from my eyes. I blushed a little, scooting closer and resting my forehead on his chest. No childish, innocent flutter went through me, instead a warm, familiar feeling of a different kind of affection heated my chest. _Everything about this is different… thank god…_

"Why do you ask?" he asked, sounding concerned as he brushed his hand across the small of my back. I sighed, shaking my head. How could I explain? It was because of Gabriel, all because of Gabriel… but if I told him that, he still wouldn't understand. Suddenly, he jolted, blurting, "Is it because of Danielle?"

I flinched and looked up, shocked at his sudden blurt-out. It, of course, hadn't been because of Danielle, but I was dumbfounded at the mention of the cross-dressing ex-boyfriend. I had almost forgotten all about him.

"N-n-no," I stammered, trying to find words, but it was hard since I was so caught off guard. Matt's expression is strained, as if he were pained by something physically. Quickly, I continue, "Honestly - I didn't even think of him at all. Why do _you _bring him up?" I added the last question mostly just to revert the attention from his own question, but in the back of my mind the slightly-jealous side of me was dying to know.

Matt shook his head, looking disgruntled. "I don't know. I knew you looked at the photo albums," he told me quietly. I flinched - ah, so he had noticed they moved. I shrugged my shoulders, a little embarrassed, but then I froze as he continued, "I was worried that you might think… I liked him more than I like you."

I looked up at him, finding myself blurting, "_Did _you?"

"No." The answer was instant, and yet there was pain in Matt's eyes. I winced a little, feeling a bit bad for pressuring the topic of the pretty ex-boyfriend, remembering the happy photographs they had taken. _His family took that from him._

"I'm sorry, Matt," I mumbled, casting my gaze downwards. He had stopped rubbing my back, hand limp at my side. He only shrugged, not replying, and I sighed. God, why had I even pushed the topic? I should have changed it first chance I got.

"Don't be sorry," Matt replied in a frustrated tone, rubbing his temple with the hand not at my side. "It's not like I'm going to take him back or something stupid."

Shifting in my seat I pulled myself into Matt's lap, pressing my face against his neck. He shivered a little, seeming surprised, but I don't allow myself halt. Instead I lean forward and press my lips to his, enjoying the warmth of his lips for only an instant before puling away and whispering, "I said I was sorry, not that the bitch can have you back."

Matt blinked in surprise, and for a second I'm a little frightened he'll take it the wrong way, but he flashes me a smile almost immediately afterwards. I grin back, but the gesture only lasts a moment before it's stolen away by Matt's greedy lips, kissing me back.

The kiss only lasts a few moments, barely parting my lips before pulling away prematurely. I bite back a moan of discontent as he lingered in front of me, green eyes practically melding into mine. "Your eyes are blue," he tells me out of no where. I blink in confusion, not quite understanding why he was bringing it up until he added, "Like, real blue. Not the fake blue-green some people had, but ice blue. True blue."

My heart fluttered - _so he remembered my drunken comment last night. _For one reason or another, that made me feel really happy. "Thank you," I murmured, feeling a blush spread across my face. He grins, and suddenly from this close proximity I notice the few previously unnoticed spots along the bridge of his nose. "You have freckles," I inform him.

_Wow, it's amazing how this redhead can lift a crappy mood… _I thought in the back of my mind, but ignored the thought.

"Yeah, I know," he says in a complaining tone, moving away and leaning away, scowling at nothing. "I hate them."

"No," I speak up argumentatively, shaking my head. "Your freckles are cute." Matt blinks in surprise, a tiny bit of blush flickering across his face at the comment. I smile in triumph at the color across his cheeks - _HA! I can make you blush too, bastard!_

"You're crazy," Matt accuses, but the teasing is still in his eyes as he slips off the bed. And, for one reason or another, I'm grinning like an idiot. "I'm getting you breakfast in bed, so relax, princess," he informs me, winking.

I frown, blushing. _Dammit. There I go again. _"Don't call me princess, or I'll throw this coaster at you!" I demand, grabbing the object from the side table. Matt rolled his eyes and strolled out the door, shaking his head as he does.

"Whatever you say…" he says casually, shutting the door behind him. Just as I'm relaxing my grip on the coaster the door cracks open again and his head pops in, a huge goofy grin on his face. "Princess Mello!"

"NOO!" I shouted, laughing all the same, and promptly chuck the coaster at the door. Matt squeaks and slams the door shut behind him, the coaster clunking harmlessly against the hardwood of the door.

_It's not Princess Mello, _I think with a slight smirk, trying to fight a chuckle at the memory of yesterday. _It's Secret Agent Mello, of course._

**A/N: LOL THIS CHAPTER WAS STUPID AND FULL OF FLUFF! XD Don't get too optimistic though - this story isn't one for that, now is it? ; )**

**And, hey hey - should I make Danielle a bitch, or not? Really, I don't give two shits about your opinon of her, but I'm just really talking to myself. ^^; JK! But srsly. Ur opinon doesn't matter. I'll make him however I want!**

**I'm so bipolar.**

**DX enjoy this shit-tastic chapter.**

***edited by ~luna (oh gosh, i dont know how these next chapters can get possibly worse then thos before.... but then again, it is **_**holli**_** im talkin about...)**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: this chapter has some… "Special content"…. so if you freak at Mature Content stuff, tell me, and I'll send you a version without it. XD' this may take a few hours though, since I won't edit it out without someone asking first. Thanx yall'**

**Also: To all the anonymous replies I received, and to those I couldn't reply to because they disabled it - thank you for the review! I love you, too, evne if I couldn't reply to you all!! : ) sorry if I missed anyone who I COULD have replied to, btw. I'm a scatterbrain, I'm afraid… now without farther ado, here's your chapter!**

Sometimes the most annoying sound in the world is the vibrating of a phone. Occasionally it's a good sound - "Yay! Someone's calling me! I'm not an outcast after all!" - but not so much when you're busy inhaling chocolate chip pancakes all cozied up in bed. Which was what I was doing.

The annoying buzzing came to my attention from the left, a silver device sitting innocently on the edge of the bed. It wasn't my phone, but the boy beside me's, who was of course Matt; he was sitting there beside me, just watching me eat pancakes, apparently not a fan of them and only making me anything, like the selfless bastard that he is. At the annoying sound he blinked, glancing at the phone on the side of the bed as if it weren't a ringing phone but instead the Easter bunny, coming in to announce that it was prepared to eat his family. Yeah, exactly that expression.

"Aren't you going to get that?" I asked through a mouthful of pancakes, irritated still by the nonstop buzzing. Whoever it was wasn't about to just hang up, it appeared.

Matt frowned. "Well, I don't know who it could be…""Leon?" I suggest, reaching over the plate on my lap to grab my glass of chocolate milk. Matt shakes his head no.

"Nope, he's got his own ring tone," he tells me cheerlessly, eyes flickering. I wondered vaguely if he ever made up with the redheaded man, but I didn't say anything about it as he reached over and grabbed the vibrating fiend. Over his shoulder I can see that it indeed says _Blocked Number _across the screen.

"Well, pick it up!" I insist as he just sits there, staring at it. He scowls for a second, then does as I said, opening it and putting it to his ear. I shove the last of my pancakes into my mouth and curling to eavesdrop -- err… listen to the conversation.

"Hello?" Matt greets in a questioning tone. There's a muttering on the other side, and he frowns. "Beyond what?" he demands, then cries, "It's not my birthday!? Who is this!?"

Matt scowls and looks at me with confused green eyes. "It's for you," he tells me, passing me the silver device. My frown deepens, and I take the phone - was it normal for someone to call a cell phone for someone who wasn't the owner? I mean, I suppose I didn't have a phone that worked anymore since my brother broke it a few months back, but still, how could anyone get his number? Much less link it back to me…

"Hello?" I ask, confused.

"Mello," comes the returning voice. I recognize it immediately, a grin spreading across my face as two and two come together in my mind. _Of course. Duh!_

Matt makes a 'what the heck?' face at me as I exclaimed, "Beyond! Hey! What's up?"

"L referred me to this number, I do not know where he found it," B tells me before I can even ask. I hear a yell of 'tell him I say hi!' that sounds vaguely like A in the background, but Beyond seems to ignore him. "Are you busy?"

"Kind of. What's going on?" I ask again, glancing at Matt. He's still giving me a 'what the hell is going on?' look, but he keeps his mouth shut.

"L is having a dinner party," he replied casually, and I can almost see him shrug in the back of my mind just by the tone in his voice. "Everyone at our lunch table is coming. Maybe a few others, too. Is Mello going to be there?"

_Dinner party?_

"Am I _invited_?" I ask, a bit too eagerly. Not because a dinner party was a new thing - it wasn't, L had them very frequently and often he invited the people who sat at the lunch table with him (often excluding Misa, though) - but because it would be my chance. It was Sunday, after all - as soon as Jade hit the halls, everyone would know about it before I had the chance to come in contact with my 'kind of friends' at school before she did.

"Of course Mello is invited," Beyond scoffed, as if it were obvious. I heard A in the background again as he said this, giggling about something. "You should definitely come. L told me it was of utmost importance."

"I see…" I mused, glancing again at Matt. He was giving me a questioning look, more quizzical now, as if trying to figure out what I was talking about. I was a bit reluctant to leave him, but L didn't really appreciate guests that he didn't know so I couldn't bring him, and I needed to go. _It's not like you have a limited time with him. You'll be back, sir clingy, _my conscious scolded me. Sighing, I responded, "I'll be there.""Wonderful. It's at six."And then he hung up, because nobody bothers to say goodbye anymore.

Matt grabbed the phone back from me and turned to face me, green eyes flickering with interest. "Where are you going?" he asked curiously, hand resting very gently against my knee.

I shrugged, smiling a little nervously. "Dinner party at L's," I said. "Just with a few friends of mine." I find myself feeling suddenly very anxious about the thought - _I was coming out to all of them. Tonight. To Misa and Gevanni and B and A and…_

_Near…_

I swallowed, suddenly unnerved by the idea.

"You're going to tell them, then?" Matt piped up with serious green eyes. I'm not surprised that he figured it out - since our very first meeting it seemed like he could read me more than I could read myself some days. So I just nodded, shrugging my shoulders helplessly.

"Yeah, I guess…" I replied reluctantly, feeling a slight blush flicker across my cheeks. I feel Matt move forward, his hand coming to rest further up my leg so that it was resting on my hip. The touch was slightly intimate and made me shiver a little, but I didn't shove him away, the closeness comforting.

"Well, it's better than someone coming out _for _you," Matt assures me gently, obviously referring to Jade. "And you were wonderful with L and the other two - you'll be fine," he adds, a tiny hint of envy in his voice. I can't help but wonder how exactly his old school's come out had gone - I was under the impression "not so well" but I couldn't be sure.

I smile a bit sheepishly, looking up to meet his eyes. "I guess so," I admit quietly, shrugging my shoulders again. "But it was a lot easier… when you were there." My voice goes down to almost inaudible, embarrassed by the words, but it was the truth. With him there beside me it felt like proof, not only to them but to myself that this _was _what I was. That I couldn't deny it to myself anymore.

"You did it with Jade," he reminded me insistently, reaching out and brushing his hand across my cheek. I shrug him away, shaking my head. He didn't know what he was talking about there - sure, I'd done it and at first I'd been fine, but then I'd…

_Then I cut myself._

"Yeah…" I mutter, averting my gaze from his to glance at my wrist. There's barely a mark there now, just a scab that nobody would probably question at this point. Still, it's a memory I wouldn't forget, even after the mark faded completely. "I guess so."

"I could go with you…?" Matt offered half-heartedly, brushing his hand through my hair. I chuckle humorously, looking up and meeting his eyes again. Their tainted with sincerity and slight worry, but I can see the love there, and it's almost painful to look at. Like staring at the sun - it burns, and yet… it's so beautiful. You almost wish to just stare at it all day, until your eyes blacken and you can look at it no more, just to soak in the pure and utter amazing beauty there.

"No," I whisper gently, reaching out with one hand and brushing my own hand through his red locks, relishing in how soft his hair is as it runs through my fingers. "L's dinner parties are invite only. I'll be okay." Matt's face softens, seeming to melt a little, his arms snaking around my waist.

"Okay," he replies, just as gently brushing his hands across my neck, touches tender and careful, as if handling something precious and fragile. I shiver a little, the mood suddenly swerving to a much more intimate one. _Well, we do have till six, _I think with a tiny smirk, scooting closer and brushing my lips against his.

The reaction is instant and explosive, jolting through both of us in one simultaneous shiver. I don't think before I move, sliding my body forward so that my chest brushes his, arms slinking around his neck. Matt hums into the kiss pleasantly, hands tangling in my unbrushed blonde hair, sending a twinge of excitement through me as he tugs just slightly at the blonde locks.

I'm unsure why I did, but I find my fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as I move my hands under his arms. It must have been painful, but he only moans slightly into the kiss, parting my lips without permission from me; he receives no argument from me, though, a passionate kind of fog blurring my consciousness for a heated moment, heart pounding almost painfully in my chest, letting his tongue invade my mouth and letting out an involuntary little moan as he does. _He still tastes like nicotine… he must have been smoking last night… _The thought barely registers in my mind, and I'm suddenly aware of his hands trailing from my hair to my lower back, rubbing little circles there with his fingers.

It felt good, almost too good, his fingers across my back sending tingles of fire in their wake. I have to break off for just a second for breath, but I immediately dive back in before he can get any words in, our teeth clashing accidentally. It doesn't ruin the moment, quite the opposite, instead earning a hungry kind of gasp from Matt and a little smirk from me. _Is he a machoist or something? _I wonder in the back of my mind, digging my fingernails deeper into his s shoulder blades. Apparently my suspicions were correct, because he trembles just slightly and deepens the kiss, deeper and more heated than before.

Speaking of heat, the room was feeling awfully hot, a pounding in the back of my mind. I hear a tiny voice in the back of my mind, but it's drowned out by the yearning overwhelming me, my fingers leaving scrapes along his back. The more possessive side of me hopes there will be a mark there.

Suddenly Matt breaks off the kiss, hands coming to my chest and shoving me backwards. I let out a moan of displeasure, contact with his lips broken, the heat burning through my body screaming for more, my breath slightly ragged. I almost leap at him and demand he continue kissing me.

But his hands are firm on my shoulders, and when I meet his eyes I see worry and sadness there, stopping me cold. "What…?" I ask desperately, feeling panic and a million questions swirl through me out of the fog, the heat that had swallowed me before slowly giving out in my mind. _Was I being bad? Have I done something wrong? Is this revenge for last night? Is he mad at me? Am I no good?_

"Mello, we need to stop now," Matt said in a shaky tone, shifting to press his legs together and shaking my hands from his back. I flinch in surprise, searching his emerald-green beauties in distain.

"Why?" I demand quietly, cursing myself inwardly for sounding so desperate. Matt scowls, but not at me, instead at the mattress below us. I scowl back, following his gaze, but my gaze falls instead on his lap. _Oh. _

"Because, if we keep going… I won't… be able to stop myself," he whispered shakily, breath ragged as he spoke. Looking into his eyes now, I can see past the worry and sadness and see the lusty longing there, the love that rimmed it. Studying him now, I can see that his face is flushed out, the pink slowly returning to his face in the form of a slight dust of blush across his pale cheeks. And of course, I can see the quietly obvious hard-on between his legs that he's trying to hide. And by trying, I meant failing.

"Oh…" I replied breathlessly, sliding backwards and onto my butt again, his hands dropping away from my shoulders in a reluctant fashion. _He cares about my modesty. _The fact that appeared to me was unfamiliar - when had been the last time someone gave two shits about my modesty? About what I wanted in these situations?The problem in this situation, however, was that now as I sat there I wondered if I would have been able to stop myself either. That fog, that heat, the passion that had invaded my mind had blocked out the panicked, tortured little Mihael in my mind, replacing it with a lusty, loving Mello. Even now, I could barely hear him, only faintly hear him screaming: _Gabriel, Gabriel! This is all wrong! This is just like him!_

I looked up and into his eyes again. They were downcast now, staring at his knees. I can tell he's pained, lips pressed together in a thin line. I know from experience, not just from my brother but from stories and sights at school from B and A or, lately, L and Light, along with other people… that it must have taken a lot of willpower to break off that kiss. Even I, the tortured, raped, panicking Mihael Keehl hadn't been enough to break it off. _But lovesick redheads are enough. _

"I'm sorry," I whispered, scooting closer to him again and resting my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, though. For caring."

I heard him sigh, though I didn't see him because my head was buried in his shirt. Striped - black and red. I sighed back in response, careful not to touch anywhere below the torso or near the waist, in fear of further bothering him.

"Don't thank me," Matt murmured, hands brushing gently through my hair in such a way that made me want to purr like a kitten - but, of course, I couldn't. That's impossible. "I love you, Mells. It's my job."

I smiled. "Hmmm… you do it too well," I muttered, slipping away from him. Something dawns on me in the back of my mind as I look at him, staring into his deep green eyes, but I don't say it. I don't want to even ponder it - the more fearful part of me is demanding me not to, vetoing the entire idea. He squirms a little, eyes glancing over to the bathroom and biting his lip. He was obviously still bothered, and not in the usual sense.

I cough and lick my lips, trying to summon the fog back into my mind to drown out my conscious, judicious side of me. _This is not a democracy, _I mutter inwardly as he looks up in response, meeting his eyes and giving him what is hopefully a confident smile, but I know it comes out shakier than I would have hoped.

"I can do it… if you want," I manage, surprised at how strong-willed my voice sounds. He gives me a confused look, and I lick my lips, squirming a little and glancing down at him. "I can, um… finish you off, if you want me to."

I heard Matt suck in a breath, and when I looked up he looked completely caught off guard, green eyes wide as disks. There's a long, stunned silence; for a second, I'm afraid he'll tell me off and tell me I'm a total whore for even suggesting it. Again, stupid thought, since this was Matt, but my own mind was telling me so regardless.

Finally, Matt broke the silence.

"Mells… god, M-Mells, you d-don't have to do th-that!" Matt stammered, stumbling over himself a little. I wince a little, and he continued quickly, "I couldn't take advantage of you like that."

My reply comes without any input with the other branches of my mind. "It wouldn't be taking advantage, Matty, I _want _to," I insisted, and again I'm surprised at how straight-forward and confident my voice is in comparison to my gut, which is telling me to start squirming and tell him to forget I said it. Before he can cut in again, I continue, "Besides, if anyone's taking advantage it's me. I'm staying here without pay, you make me breakfast in bed…"

"That's different," Matt argued, but I can see the weakness in his green eyes, his face starting to burn with blush. I know I'm blushing too, but his face is completely scarlet. _Would he be this tempted if he knew why I even knew how to do it? _I banish the thought, giving him a scowl.

"Their both acts of love, at least for us," I tell him firmly, done being surprised with myself as I inched closer, laying my hand on his thigh. He shivers a little, still looking flabbergasted.

"Mello…"

"I mean it," I cut in, sliding my hand up his thigh slowly, ignoring the screaming in the back of my mind and blocking it out with the image of Matt's shocked, lusty eyes. I can't help but compare the reaction to Gabriel's - my brother would be pulling my hair and smacking me, insisting I 'hurry the hell up.' Matt only stares.

"R-really…? Because if you--""I'm sure," I whisper, shifting a little to sit between his legs, then quickly add in a slightly shaky voice, "Just don't touch me, okay?"

"…"

I don't get a reply, so I take that as a yes, putting myself on autopilot. But somehow it's impossible to do so, my fingers feeling everything as I drag them along his legs, curling around the top. I can't block out the shudder of apprehension from my partner, the tensing of his legs beside me. _It's because I don't want to._

Not giving myself time to think I yank the pants downwards. He wriggles a little, but not to struggle, rather to help in the squirm out of the entirely too-tight skinny jeans. I'm a little caught off guard by how… large… he is, but I don't let on to this. Or at least, I try not to, but I know my face is burning.

"You don't have to," Matt whispers again, but his voice is up an octave, quivering with apprehensiveness.

I manage a confident smirk, even though I'm s ure it doesn't reach my eyes. "Shut up, Matt," I growl, digging my fingernails into his lower leg with one leg before tugging at the boxers as well, suddenly annoyed by the cloth. And there he is in his entire half-naked self, only half-way hidden by the striped shirt tangled at his hips. He sucks in a breath, obviously fighting a moan.

I'm annoyed with my own hesitation, lingering over the twitching member with slight uncomfortable feelings. Only one rational thought enters my head though - _Hey, his hair color's natural! _

Not letting any memories nor false memories enter my mind I slide my hand against his hips with the side of my wrist, earning a shiver from Matt before I close my hand around the prize. It twitches in my hand, sending a slight shiver through me as well, though it only earns a groan from Matt. Adjusting my position slightly and shoving away the awkwardness I go down on him, closing my lips around it's tip.

Matt immediately reacts, gasping in surprise - apparently he hadn't expected it to go this far, a wordless shout of surprise escaping his mouth. For one reason or another that gives me great pleasure and my tongue darts out, tasting the pre-cum there without the usual disgust. _This will make Matt happy. _

Gradually I slide forward, taking the majority of him into my mouth and easily resisting the urge to gag. _Gagging would mean punishment in another life, after all... _Shoving the thought away I allow myself to hum around his member. I peek up at him as I do this to find his face contorted and his teeth biting into his lower lip, eyes trained down on me with pure lust, love, and amazement at the obviously erotic sight.

He starts moaning as soon as I start bobbing my head, and a wave of pleasure goes through me as well at the sight, despite the uncomfortable feeling in my throat. I can tell he's fighting, unlike a particular other, not to buck into me, his fingers tangled in the bed sheets. I hum again, bobbing my head and taking his entire self into me and fighting my gag reflex.

"M-mellooo…." Matt moaned, throwing his head back and squeezing his eyes shut. I feel myself smirking without my own realizing it, digging my fingernails into his hips and earning another shudder. "I'm going to… you want to…"He doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence before I stop what I'm doing, preparing myself for the inevitable. A streak of pleasure spikes through him, I can feel it in the shiver that goes down him, and he bucks slightly into me. I don't fight it, despite the inner yelp of surprise, closing my eyes and taking him in, bracing myself for the finish. The sound of his moans are almost unbearable, my fingernails clawing into his thighs without my permission. _Why is this so good?_

Suddenly he screams again, my name in a high octave, reverberating through the room as he goes over the edge and explodes in my mouth.

I gasp a little, moving away from him with cum filling my mouth. For some reason not even a hint of disgust is in me, despite the strange taste and the choking amount of it. Matt looks at me with slight worry, breath ragged and forehead slick with sweat, an apology in his eyes. But I shake my head and, with a suck in of breath through my nose, swallow the sticky liquid, wiping my mouth with the back of my wrist afterwards.

Matt's face is flushed out, relief and shell-shocked amazement apparent in his expression. I smile at him, a sudden wave of appreciation going through me - _I did that. He loves me, so it's okay. _The more worried, panicky side of me thought otherwise, but I wasn't listening to that right now, especially not when his arms were coming around my shoulders and pulling me against him. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, feeling his ragged breathing against my ear.

"You are beyond amazing," Matt tells me quietly, rubbing the heel of his hand against the small of my back comfortingly. I laugh half-heartedly - if only he knew why. Planting a little kiss on my ear he laid his lips on my cheek, and I feel a soft smile there without having to see him. "I can _not _believe you just did that…""Me neither," I admit shakily, pulling away from him. I'm practically in his lap right now - plus he's still naked - but I decide I don't mind when he spares me a humored little grin. I give him a smile in response, but I know it's slightly lopsided. I'm still trying to figure it out in my mind - what had compelled me to do that? Sure, I was a smart boy - I recognized that doing it for Gabriel was a million times different than for Matt. For Gabriel it was "do it or you die" and for Matt it was "do it because I love you, but only if you want to, but you don't have to, and I'm still worrying and…." well you get the point just as well as I do. But I was shocked with myself for suppressing the worried side of me so well.

Obviously Matt was coming to the same conclusion, because he gives me a worried look. "Mells… I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable," he whispered uncertainly, blushing a little. "You didn't have to do that."

"I know, you told me," I mutter, running my tongue along my teeth. I'm starting to become all too aware that I have a certain tightness in the nether regions myself, which I'm hoping will just go away.

Matt shifts slightly, hand stopping it's rubbing to rest on the small of my back. I find myself blushing a little, averting my gaze from his face. _And here's the awkward "what now" moment… _I think disdainfully. What's even more awful was that I hadn't ever had one of these moments before - I only knew about them from books and from talk from others. _All of my experiences "what now" was "whatever he wants." _

Stop thinking about Gabriel! I want to scream that at myself, looking up at Matt again. He's looking at me with thoughtful, searching dark green eyes, lips slightly parted as he does. _God, he's beautiful. _It seemed weird to think of Matt as beautiful - he was a man, after all, and clearly so. But I loved those eyes, those emerald green eyes that seem to go on forever and ever, slightly freckled nose, soft expression, red hair… even the slight red indentation from the goggles around his eyes was adorable, in a strange way. He was simply _incredible. _That must be why, I decide - it's because of that that I'm willing to do those things for him. He's incredible - inside and out.

_Jesus, I'm turning into a sap._

Suddenly, Matt speaks up, ending my blissful staring-session and shattering the awkward silence with an even more awkward suggestion. "You don't want me to, um… return the favor, do you?" he asked uncertainly, a tiny bit of hopefulness flickering through his eyes as he does.

I almost jump out of my skin, a million emotions clashing through me at once. _Yes, I want it. No, too awkward. Yes, I need it. No, it would be too scary. _I bite my lip, face burning with blush, and shake my head frantically, goose bumps blossoming on my skin out of no where. "N-no," I say quickly, a bit mortified by the idea. "I'm not ready for that."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I replied quickly, grabbing his underwear and shoving them at him. Really, it was a lie - I wasn't sure at all. Half of me totally wanted it, but the other half kept picturing Gabriel and freaking out. Of course, _he _had never returned the favor, but I was almost afraid to have the favor returned. It was ridiculous, especially since (1) he'd seen me naked already (2) I'd just given HIM a blow job, and (3) I really did kind of want it, but… none the less.

"Alright," Matt relents, grabbing the underwear and pants before jumping off the bed to get them on. I find myself staring at his ass again, but I don't bother looking away anymore. Hell, if he got blow jobs then I got to stare at his perfect ass.

"You're staring!" he cried, obviously catching me, blush appearing on his cheeks. I grinned despite myself, not bothering to stop my eyes on their adventure exploring his back side.

"Yup," I reply cheerfully, smirking. Matt scoffed and stuck his tongue out at me, jerking his boxers back on followed by his pants.

"Bitch," he muttered, but the jab is pointless and empty.

I roll my eyes. "Always."

***

After the awkward predicament, we had showered, I'd brushed my teeth for about ten minutes, and we had plopped ourselves on the couch to watch a Pirates of the Caribbean (with the ultra-amazing Johnny Depp in it) marathon.

The movie was reaching the end of the third movie when I realize it was nearing the time for me to start getting ready. _Too soon… _It was outstandingly easy to loose track of time lounging around on a couch with your boyfriend, let me tell you - I was laid with my head on the armrest and my butt on his lap, just lounging. Every once in a while he'd tickle me, often during the "scary" parts and ruin the seriousness of the moment with my outrageous giggling, or he'd leave for a second to return with chocolaty goodness or any other kind of snack really, which I would waste no time stealing and eating most of.

Deciding to ignore the clock for the time being I scooted closer to him, temporarily disregarding the fighting pirates on the screen in favor of nuzzling my nose into his neck. Matt squeaked in surprise before letting out a happy hum, which I felt on his throat.

"You're in a good mood today…" Matt mumbled in a content tone, hand wrapping around my waist and holding me tighter. I smiled - I was indeed in a pretty good mood today. I had no reason not to be, except for the coming out, but I didn't want to think about that.

"Nope, I just want to make out again," I whispered in his ear, though it was half a lie - I _was _in a good mood. Matt chuckled quietly before brushing his fingers under my chin, bringing my lips to his again.

_How many times has it been now? Countless, it seems… _

I hum into the kiss happily, the movie and the clock forgotten in an instant, pressing myself closer to his as I turn to face him, more or less straddling him as he parts my lips with his, delving in and exploring my mouth.

His hands come under the back of my shirt, gentle and barely a feather of pressure, but the feeling is only briefly troubling, distracted by my own hand's path. I drag my palms under his striped shirt, dipping my head back for him to lean over me, deepening the kiss hungrily.

Matt was kissing my breath away.

Letting out a tiny, almost inaudible moan before I can help myself I break off the kiss for air, heart pounding in my ear. Matt doesn't move to return to the kiss though, a smirk across his face as he leans forward again, hands gripping my back gently as his mouth moves to press on my neck. I blush as the kisses make a little path along my neck, brushing the oversized shirt over my shoulder to make way for his mouth as he does.

"Matty…" I mumble, half embarrassed and half ecstatic. The kisses were leaving a path of tingles in their wake, making me want to simply faint in his arms. Matt chuckles again, leaving little butterfly kisses under my chin and causing me to giggle despite myself.

"Jerk…" I muttered half-heartedly, scooting away just barely.

Matt smirked, leaning forward to press his forehead to mine. I shiver a bit, his endless green eyes nearly drowning me. "Bitch," he whispers, his breath warm on my lips. I shiver the tiniest bit, a smile drifting to my lips to meet his happy little smirk.

"Always," I replied lazily, closing the distance between our lips again. He's smiling into the kiss, and it only lasts a few moments before we break off again, the passion discarded for the moment. The warmth remains though, and I nuzzled closer to him, burying my face in the crook of his neck and breathing in his smoky scent. He sighed and hugged me back, and as I press my ear to his chest, I realize I can hear his heartbeat.

"Damn, look at the time," Matt spoke up, and I let out a disappointed groan, lifting my head from his chest and following his eyes to the digital clock above the TV. It read 5:30. I nodded reluctantly and got lazily off of him, groaning.

"Bah… will you drive me?" I ask idly as I zombie-walk across the room to search for decent clothes. My leather was dirty, so I'd have to go through Matt's closet.

"Duh, who else would drive you?" Matt scoffs, shaking his head. I shrug - I had just figured I'd ask to be sure - and stroll into his room, winging open his closet. Most of it was the usual striped shirt stuff, but after some further searching and digging through drawers I locate a pair of purple skinny jeans that are _almost _black and a pale gray tank top. It would have to do.

"You're seriously wearing that?" the redhead asked as I started to pull off my shirt, peeking in from the doorway at the pile of clothes I had sitting on the bed. I scowl at him, pulling the rest of my shirt off and chucking it at his head.

"Of course I am," I scoff, amused that it lands right on his head. "I hardly have anything else to choose from here. Besides, I'll look fabulous in anything." I was teasing but he laughs, nodding in agreement without any argument. After a second of him lingering in the doorway I shoot him a look, but he doesn't seem like he realizes that he needs to be moving. I almost demand he get his ass away so I can change, but I quickly remember that that was total hypocrisy - I'd stared at his ass just this morning.

_Well then, I'll just change. Whatever. _

I smirk and shimmy out of the boxers without another thought on the matter, pleased when Matt's face turns red to match his hair. Turning a tiny bit too slowly and swinging my hips just barely as I do I bend down to grab the briefs (stolen from Matt) on the floor. I take my time sitting back up, swigging the dark-gray undergarments on in my hand. I don't have to peek over my shoulder to know he's staring at me - I can practically feel his eyes boring into me.

Letting out a tiny snicker I pull on the briefs - which earns a little sigh of relief from Matt in the doorway - and go for the skinny jeans. They fit surprisingly well, and I wonder as they hug my ass a bit too tightly how he ever fit into them. _Maybe Leon bought them._

When I pull on the tank I spare myself to glance at Matt again. I'm a little surprised that he's smirking, though his face is red as a beet.

"What?" I inquire teasingly, flashing him a smile.

He laughs a little. "You're such a tease."

"It's my job, darling," I reply breezily, giving him a wink. He sighs and shakes his head as I trot into the bathroom to brush my hair. The process takes about twenty minutes usually, but since we don't really have time for that I simply grab his brush and follow him out the door, deciding to brush it on the way like I do for school. "Let's go."

**A/N: (PLEASE READ!) This chapter was going to go longer, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to finish, so that wasn't an option if I was going to get in an update before this weekend!**

**I'm going on a weekend trip with my lovely friend Luna-chi, to IL. This said, I won't be updating until at least Monday, at earliest, unless by some freak chance I end up on a computer with free time. But even if there is a computer, I won't really have any free time for updates. ^^' so don't expect anything from me in that area!**

**Anyway, I hope you'll live without my lovely updates! HOW WILL U EVER SURIVE!? (sarcasum) BTW I'll be available for messaging through my ipod touch, so if any of you lovely people want to be a doll and send me a message, that would be fabulous : ) but don't if that's creepy 4 u. I just love getting 2 know my reveiwers.**

**Ok, this is getting weird, so… enough about my personal life. Go read something else more fabulous than this, like "You've Got Mail" by the lovely Goggles-and-Chocolate (I think that's their name) a collab between two awesome peeps I can't remember the name of! : ) it's very good! Better than this, in my opinion! So there's my sugestion… thanks! Love you all!**

**~Holli**


	18. Chapter 18

Approximately fourteen steps up the driveway, five steps to reach the porch, two steps to make it to that giant maple wood door of the Wammys mansion. That was all it would take to get to the dinner party from the sharp red car I was currently seated in.

So why was it so hard for me to get my legs to move as the car pulled up? I couldn't seem to guide my arms to unbuckle the seatbelt, nor even tear my eyes from the window. _This was it. The come out…_

"This is it, huh?" Matt chuckled, letting out an impressed wolf whistle to distract me from my thoughts. I manage to rip my eyes away from the magnificent mansion to rest my eyes on the redhead beside me. The goofy grin on his face helps me relax a bit.

"Yup…" I replied, trying to sound as casual as possible. _Stop being such a coward, Mello! It's just your lunch mates - they won't judge you! You have nothing to be afraid of, idiot! _I scold myself inwardly, flashing Matt a smile. "Huge, huh?"

"Yeah, L's a lucky bastard," the redhead responded, still sounded slightly awed as he leaned over my shoulder to get a better look at the monstrous house. It was the truth, of course - it was quite the looker. It was enormous, owned by none other than Quillish Wammy, the owner of (surprise surprise) Wammy's House Schools. He was apparently loaded. I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to inform Matt that he only lived there because his parents died and Wammy had taken him in, though - it would only make him feel bad, and it wasn't my story to tell.

"Guess so," I murmured, tearing my eyes away from him and letting them settle back through the window. Fourteen steps up the driveway five to reach the porch, two steps to make it in the door. Approximately 21 steps, if I took my usual catwalk-steps. Maybe if I walked a bit slower, though, it would be…

_Stop stalling._

"See you after dinner, then," I announce, unbuckling and sliding out of the car. The air outside is warm and welcoming feeling, giving me a small boost of encouragement. I turn to shoot him a smile. "I'll text you when I need a ride."

"Got it," Matt replied breezily, giving me an positive thumbs up. "Be sure to text me if you spend the night."

"Mm-Kay."

It wasn't entirely impossible - I'd had one or two slumber parties with L, both of which had ended with some sort of disaster (B and A having sex in Wammy's office was the more recent of the two, which happened simutaioniously with L and I battling it out over a piece of chocolate cake, Near trying to hack the system so that we could give a raise, Misa trying to get Light to kiss her, and Light running around in a drunken mess singing something by Christina Aguilera. Good times…) but were always fun.

"See yah."

And with that casual little goodbye Matt was gone, leaving me alone approximately twenty one steps away from the maple wood door of the mansion, where the party would ensure. Taking a deep breath I summon the more stubborn, wild part of me back out from behind the nervous part, straightening myself out. If anyone had been watching, they'd probably have stared.

Just to contradict the more worrisome, paranoid part of me I take extra-big strides in my steps towards the door, making the trip take eighteen steps instead of twenty-one. The door is huge, obnoxiously so. As if Wammy expected a herd of elephants to come charging into his house instead of a cluster of normal-sized children. (Okay, normal and then Near, but he's smaller, not bigger, so that hardly counts). The maple wood was beautiful though, smooth but old looking, set on vaguely rusted hinges, giving off the same sort of welcoming, wise warmth that the man who owned it did.

Flipping my hair over my un-sleeved shoulder I reach forward, pounding my fist on the door. There's a sound outside the door that sounds like a scream - Misa? - and then a couple of shouts, and then one more clearly above the rest that I can make out. "It's unlocked, come on in!"

I was used to this - Wammy opened the doors usually, but this meant that the friendly old man wouldn't be home. Straightening myself out I took the handle, twisting it around and letting the enormous door swing open.

As soon as the door opens, I'm immediately thrown into a hug.

At first, I'm sure it was Misa who had tackled me, but I'm shocked to discover that it's not. The clutch around my waist is a tentative, gentle one, the face nuzzled in my chest not of Misa's at all, but rather of another familiar face, small fingers clutching the cloth of my top.

"A?" I cried in surprise, returning the hug before he can take it back. A wasn't the type at all for hugging, nor human contact with anyone at all besides Beyond Birthday himself, so it was surprising. Not unwelcome though - A was one of my favorite lunch mates, even if he was a bit strange.

"AHAHA! HE DID IT!" Light exploded into laughter in the other room, along with a few others including B. I blinked in confusion as A peeked up at me, his wide gray-blue eyes rimmed with uncertainty and embarrassment. I realize immediately that he must have been dared.

"Sorry," A murmured gently, but I only laugh.

"Hello to you too then, A!" I chuckled, ruffling his hair. I realized as I did this how short he really was. A gathered himself up and pulled away from me, giving me a beaming grin. After receiving the grin I turn and give the group in the doorway a look. "What kind of lame dare was that?"

"We dared Near to do it first, but he was afraid you'd break his arms," Light explained with a chuckle. _That's because I probably would. Smart child. _I only roll my eyes and follow A into the living room where the rest of the crowd is waiting, eyes scanning the people waiting for me there.

L was sitting one side of a pure white couch, practically inhaling a piece of strawberry cake but managing to give me a friendly nod of greeting; Light was sitting beside him at a careful distance, still chuckling, but I noticed the smile only half met his eyes; Misa was of course right beside Light, though _on his lap _might be a better word for it, pressed almost impossibly closer to the brunette and giving me a hyperactive little finger-wave; beside her was Matsuda, sitting on a chair seated beside theirs and giving me a wave; on the couch adjacent to theirs sat Near, who was staring monotonously at me as I walked in, gaze studying and analytical as ever; Gevanni was sitting beside him, giving me a wave but never completely tearing his gaze from the albino boy seated beside him; Beyond was seated on the floor eating what appeared to be jam-filled pastries, giving us both a beam - there was a hint of something special in his red eyes when his eyes flitted from me back to A, and I found that I didn't feel quite so jealous anymore as A bolted from my side and practically threw himself back into the safety of B's arms, curling against his side with a nervous little grin.

"I'm quite glad you decided to come, Mello-kun," L greeted me kindly, as he always did, shaggy black hair falling over his face just slightly.

"I'm sure you are! How would you ever get along without me?" I tease, spinning on my heel and snatching a particularly appetizing looking brownie from the table before sitting in the nearest available seat, which turned out to be the one beside Gevanni. The dark haired boy smiled at me when I sat down, and I suddenly wondered why I hadn't ever gotten to know him better.

"I believe we would probably be a good deal less bruised, actually…" Near said candidly, leaning over to pluck a tart off of the table in his usual blunt fashion. I narrow my eyes at him. Oh. Right. _That's _why. I couldn't tell just by looking at him right then if he was trying to make a joke or if he was just simply being a jerk, his tone so nonchalant that it was impossible to say.

Nobody else seemed to regard the comment, though. Misa huffed and kicked her legs in the air, announcing with a pout on her lips, "This is hardly fair for Misa-Misa. She's on a diet, and it's so hard not to cheat with all these sweets around to make Misa-Misa fat!"

L scowled in response, and I couldn't help but agree with the annoyed expression on his face. _Fat? _The girl was anorexic looking already, she could _use _a bit more fat if you asked me.

I was about to say so, but B cuts me off with a stream of strangled, amused laughter. "Are you _kidding me_?" Beyond chided, shaking his head in disbelief. "This is _L Lawliets _dinner party, what the hell else did you expect?"

"He has a point," Light said when Misa gasped in reproach, shrugging his shoulders innocently. The skinny blonde scowled at Beyond, as if he were the source of her problems; L was giving him a look too, but it was one of amusement.

"Well, these brownies are fabulous!" I announced, if only to annoy the other blonde further, loosing my worries in another bite of chocolaty goodness. Ah, yes, as long as I had chocolate I would be alright with whatever happened in the progress of this day, I decided.

In the corner of my eye I saw Gevanni chuckle, shifting discreetly closer to the boy beside him till their arms brushed. Near didn't seem to notice at all, but I certainly did. I didn't understand the handsome dark-haired boy's choice in men at all, but I supposed there was someone out there for everyone. Besides, I had to admit it was pretty adorable.

I wondered briefly if Near really never noticed or, like me previously with Matt, simply refused to acknowledge it. Either way was a shame.

A laughed silently and wriggled shamelessly closer to B, crooked little grimace on his face. I could tell that it was meant to be a loving smile by the light in his gray-blue eyes. "When will dinner be ready?" B inquired.

"Soon," L replied smoothly, reaching forward to retrieve cube of pure sugar from a pile on the table and popping it into his mouth. Misa grimaced at him when he did this, but it went without comment. "Ms. Annabelle will be done with the meal shortly, I believe." Ms. Annabelle was a young woman who worked at the house and also roomed here, and also a wonderful cook. She made the best desserts - I wouldn't doubt it if she made these brownies I was eating.

"Awesome, I'm starving!" Matsuda announced out of the blue, clapping his hands together. I chuckle a bit at his sudden enthusiasm, and he turns and gives me a strange look, as if suddenly realizing something. _oh right, he was there, at the apartment, _I remember, giving him a half-hearted smile. He smiles back a bit too obviously and looks away, continuing, "Did anybody see Dancing With The Stars last night?"

Ugh. Not more about reality TV. Light seems to have similar condolences, groaning and shaking his head. "No, I didn't."

"I did!" Misa cries, flailing her hands around excitedly. "Did you see that one girl, the redhead!? With the flips? And the thing? With the guy?"

"That was incredible!" Matsuda agreed heartedly, beaming. I can only grimace - I liked Matsuda, but he was outrageously stupid sometimes. Not nearly as much as Misa though.

They continued chattering away about the television show, inducing a break in the conversations. A and B went on as they usually did, eating and whispering to each other. Near seemed lost in his own little world, but I knew he was listening to everyone in the room. Light turned to me, giving me a hard look and ignoring the jabbering girl beside him. I scowled at him when he didn't look away. "What?"

"Hmm, nothing," Light said perkily, giving me a smirk. I blink, confused, and train my glance from the brunette to L. The raven-haired boy doesn't seem to be paying attention, shoveling cake into his mouth, but I notice that Gevanni's giving me an odd look from the corner of his eye.

"Seriously, what?" I demanded, hand reaching to touch my hair instinctively. Was there something on my face? Light only chuckled and shook his head, smirk still intact on his face. Surely he wasn't still amused by yesterday - I mean, it was possible, he was kind of a jerk, but to bring it up now would be rather heartless. I couldn't think of anything that would bring up the topic, either. Now that I thought about it, though, a cold feeling of dread flashed through me, summoning a dose of anger towards the brunette. "_What_?" I demand, hearing my voice go from casually annoyed to harshly persistent.

Gevanni unrepentantly answered for him, leaning just slightly to the side and nudging me with his elbow, giving me a sly kind of grin. "Check your neck, Blondie," he whispers under his breath, so only I can hear.

I blink in surprise, flinching away from him with wide eyes as my hand flies to my neck. Sure enough, I can feel… something there. _Holy shit… is that…?_

It was indeed _that. _A hickey, to be more precise. When had THAT happened? It could have happened on numerous occasions, but I couldn't place the exact moment. What mattered more than that, though, was the fact that it _was there _and that Light Yagami and Stephen Gevanni seemed to have noticed it with ease. Gevanni looked a bit embarrassed for me, but Light was just smirking.

I lowered my head to hide my blush behind my bangs, giving Light the death glare. "Verpiss dich," I growl at him in a dangerous tone, leaning back onto the couch and intensifying the glare as I feel the blush retreat from my face. Light apparently either understood German or knew what I said just by my tone, because his face paled and he looked away. The glare must have been rather frightening though, because Gevanni winced and A hid his face in B's shirt.

I allow my face to soften when B gives me a look, but I don't allow myself another glance at Light, still covering my neck with my hand as casually as possible. I knew better than to think this would help though - in a room full of geniuses, nothing goes unnoticed.

"That hickey isn't from Jade, correct?" Near spoke up too loudly, not even bothering to look at me, instead examining a cracker in his hands. I freeze and whip around to glare at him - how did he know that?!? Near simply shrugs and answers my unspoken question without a care; everyone staring at us now. "You would not have freaked out otherwise, it is not hard to tell."

L gave me a serious, prodding look that seemed to speak for itself. _"Say something."_

So I do. "Yeah, it wasn't from Jade. We broke up..."

Misa yelped unrepentantly, cutting off what I was conjuring up next. "Ohmygosh! Why!?" she cried overly loudly, her blue eyes growing wide with exaggerated horror, hands clasping over her mouth. Light rolled his eyes, but Misa didn't notice. I sigh in exasperation - I was getting to that! - and shake my head. Everyone's looking right at me now. L was giving me that expectant look, Matsuda staring with a curious, shocked expression on his face, Misa with her omg-face, Light with a look of challenge _- are you brave enough? Will you do it?; _A is giving me a wide eyed look from over B's shoulder; B is giving me a blank kind of look, eyes trained on the hickey, which I notice in the back of my mind is right where the cut had been that lunchtime before.

I clear my throat, letting out a sigh and flipping my hair behind my shoulder. Trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal as I start my speech (which is completely unplanned, by the way, because I wasn't really wanting to get on with it this early). "Well, um... that was because--"

"OH MY GOD!"

My hasty confidence was immediately shattered at the exclamation, halting and whipping around along with the other eight to stare at the direction the voice was coming from. It was loud and hysterical sounding, and I recognized it after a few seconds as Ms. Annabelle.

It came from the bathroom.

L was on his feet in seconds, looking ready to go kick someone in the face (with good reason this time, I suppose) but the young Mexican-originated woman was already racing out of the bathroom with hysterical look on her face, waving a small white device around in her hands.

"_POSITIVO_! _POSITIVO!_ IT'S POSITIVE! IT'S POSITIVE!"

_Huh? _Eight pairs of eyes stared at her blankly, not understanding. I couldn't tell if her face was scared, horrified, or overjoyed. Perhaps all three.

A was the first one to catch on.

"Wait… _positive!?" _A gasped unrepentantly, leaping to his feet out of no where and, to my shock, rather aggressively tossed a tray of cookies from his lap with drama. He was usually a quiet person, but apparently whatever he had just realized called for special attitude adjustments; he promptly leapt right over the table with surprising agility to stand beside the frenzied young woman. "No way!"

"Way!!!" Annabelle cried, waving her arms around again with a blush spread across her face out of no where and shoving the device in A's gaping face for closer inspection. The gray haired boy's eyes glazed over in amazement, mouth hanging slightly open.

My eyes scanned the others, all who looked dumbfounded as I did, then to the small device. Just as it was slowly starting to dawn on me when Misa broke out into a squeal.

"YOU'RE _PREGNANT?_"

Chaos immediately erupted, and my unprepared speech was temporarily forgotten.

"That's… wow!" Matsuda cried, throwing his hands across his face in shock.

"Congratulations!" Gevanni chorused, beaming at her.

"You're so lucky!" Misa squealed, throwing her arms around Annabelle. The woman hugged her back without hesitation, laughing and crying all at once.

"Hmmm!" was all that Beyond could see through a mouthful of pastry, but he did manage to get up and stand beside an out-of-characteristically excited A.

"I suppose there was a 53.8% chance that would happen…" L said blankly, seeming to dive deep into thought. The brunette didn't say anything, simply gaping at Annabelle in shock. Near kept his mouth shut, but I saw the gears turning in his gray eyes.

I couldn't say anything, my mouth gone dry. I was so prepared to say something that I could almost not process that something had happened so big all of a sudden to the young woman before me. She looked so overjoyed and yet so scared all at once, her tan skinned face twisted with uncontrollable emotions. All I could think was - _baby. Annabelle… with a baby. _It seemed unfathomable. I didn't know Annabelle very well, but she was a kind woman, sweetest little doll. The thought of her having sex at all was unthinkable in a way, but in the back of my mind it was kind of obvious she had unless she was a Virgin Mary clone (Unlikely. Impossible, actually.), but rather it was just hard to process.

Finally, I managed to make words come out of my mouth in response. "Wow," I said blankly, sounding just as dumbfounded as I felt. Near gave me a curious look before returning his gaze to Annabelle, but my eyes weren't on him but the young woman. Pregnant.

Pregnant.

She looked so happy, everyone getting up one by one to give her a hug. Even Near offered a kind gesture, opening his arms for a tentative little squeeze. She had tears gathered in her eyes by the time she got around to me, a blush spread across her tanned skin, and I saw it. The look in her eyes was one of such overwhelming joy and bliss that it almost buried me alive, drowning in those big brown pools of nothing but happiness.

_Was this what my mother looked like when she found out about me?_

I doubted it.

"Congratulations," I managed in my kindest voice, but I knew it sounded fake. Annabelle didn't seem to notice though, throwing her arms around me in the kind of way that made it seem like we were best friends, burying her slender face in my shoulder and letting out a cry of happy sobs, seeming to simply crumble in my arms. I couldn't tell if she was laughing, crying, or both anymore, so I did what I would do in both situations - I returned the hug as tightly as I could without breaking her.

_She's bringing a child into the world. What decent person wouldn't be happy...?_

"I'm so happy…." she whispered, trembling slightly as she pulled away from me, a blindingly white smile on her face. Over her shoulder, I saw Misa with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Wow… someday, _I _want to have kids too…" Misa practically purred, leaning slightly to the side and resting her head on Light's shoulder, as if they were sharing in some sort of mutual dream. I saw Light physically shudder, a flash of something close to fear in his dark amber eyes, but it was so swiftly replaced with a look of fake contentment that I almost missed it.

L just looked blank, as usual, not seeming to notice the comment Misa made. "Who is the father?" he asked with bland curiosity, blinking his big black eyes. "Andrew?"

I'd never heard the name Andrew, but obviously Annabelle had, because her eyes lit up and she practically danced away from me. I swear to this day that she was glowing. "Yes! Andrew is the father!" Annabelle gushed, a slight bit of her Mexican accent coming through in her drawl. "Oh, my gosh, he'll be so happy! We've always talked about having children! _Soy tan feliz_!"

I could see the love and hopefulness in her dark eyes, and though I was smiling broadly as the others on the outside, my mind could only see my mother. I couldn't picture her young and dancing around joyously at the news of a baby's arrival. _She surely wasn't like this when she heard of me… what of Gabriel? Was she excited when he came? Was my father? _I didn't know.

"_Ah mi dios_, I have to go! I have to go and tell him!" Ms. Annabelle broke through my mind, and I realized that people had been gushing to her for a while now. I don't remember what they were saying, but obviously it had triggered Annabelle's need to see this Andrew guy. "Oh _no, _the food's not even ready, I'm--"

"Just go," L cut her off, waving her towards the door. The gesture was slightly cold on the exterior, but there was warmth in his eyes that Annabelle either caught or didn't care either way if it existed, because she grinned and dashed out the door immediately, a certain bounce in her step that reminded me of an excited child on their first day of school.

"Good luck!" Misa called cheerily.

"Be sure to tell us how it goes," Matsuda said a bit eagerly.

Ms. Annabelle didn't reply, already dashing out the obnoxiously large door with shoes only half on, squealing with excitement and seeming to forget the people she left behind her. _So that's what blissful excitement looks like._

As soon as the door swung shut the nine of us were met by a painfully awkward silence.

I collapsed back onto the couch without looking at anyone, staring down at my feet in shock. That had been so sudden, out of no where. Out of the corner of my eyes I swear I saw L turn away from Light, unmistakable pain in his pencil gray eyes at the sight of him. Misa was curled up against him like a kitten, murmuring about how jealous she was. Light looked blank as I felt, as if he were a lamp sitting there instead of a person. Gevanni just looked awkward, a half-smile on his face as he organized and then reorganized the cookie platter. Near stared straight ahead, an unspoken question in his gray eyes that I couldn't read. Beyond started shoving the pastries into his mouth with a certain air that made the act almost look violent, more than usual anyway. Matsuda and A seemed the least effected, simply going on with what they usually did - smiling at nothing or clinging to Beyond.

After a long, painful few minutes, the silence became unbearable to the point where I just had to do something to kill it.

"Well, that was sudden," I blurted out the obvious, snatching my third brownie and biting into it with vigor. Eight pair of eyes moved to look at me for a second, the awkwardness still frizzing through the air as my comment echoed through the room.

Finally, A said, "I'm happy for her."

"She's lucky," L replied in agreement, shaking his head. For a second, I thought is saw jealousy in his eyes. "She will be a good mother."

"Lucky kid. Wish _my _mom cooked that well," Matsuda complained jokingly, laughing a bit. A few of us, including me, joined in with the chuckle even though it wasn't really that funny at all.

It occurred to me as we sat there, numbly munching on treats, that my entire hickey-incident was long forgotten. I was grateful, really - I hadn't been prepared at all, and it was scary to think about now. On the other hand, it would have been nice to just have it over with.

"What are we going to do about food?" Gevanni asked worriedly, staring at the pastries in distain. Obviously, was one of the people here that didn't see treats as being a full meal. I could happily live on chocolate every day without ever even looking at another kind of food, but not everyone can live that way I suppose.

"We could order pizza…" Matsuda suggested helplessly.

The idea was appealing - eight guys and a lazy blonde girl who can't cook sitting around in the room, and it seemed like the easiest option. Least effort to put in, at least. I could cook okay, but I didn't feel like it really (now, or ever for that matter), A was an excellent cook but was a nervous wreck when he tried, Beyond couldn't even make toast without setting his kitchen on fire, Gevanni and Light simply weren't the cooking type, I don't give a shit what they say I'm not eating anything NEAR cooks since he might poison me, Matsuda would end up breaking something accidentally, and anything L makes would end up drowning in sugar.

We ordered the pizza.

***

Thirty seven minutes later, nine crazy teenagers charged the door at the cue of an obnoxiously loud doorbell (just as loud as you would expect from an elephant-sized door).

I was the first one to the door, throwing open the big maple door to find a scrawny brown-haired boy at the door. His eyes widened when he saw me, which was only natural, since I was giving him my maniac-grin. "HEYA. YOU'RE LATE, ASSHOLE, THE PIZZAS FREE!" I announced to him loudly, priding myself in making him go pale. The Wammy house was always hard for pizza men to find, so we got a lot of free pizzas - it's not every day that a mansion's in the middle of no where.

Beyond shoved around to stand beside me, face covered in jam as he gave him his own "maniac-grin" (I admit, his is a tiny bit scarier than mine, but not by much) with Light grinning behind him as well, A peeking over his shoulder. "Did you bring all the pizzas?" B demanded. In my peripheral vision I could see Misa jumping up and down, waving her hands and grinning like a maniac, L standing beside her with a blunt look on his face.

"Y-yeah.. What's all over your _face_?" The man pried as he fumbled with his pizzas, obviously very freaked out. Beyond's maniac grin widened, and I knew what was coming as he reached up and swiped some of the jam from his cheek, licking it off his finger with a smirk.

"This…?" he drawled innocently, and the man nodded hesitantly, eyes becoming as huge as saucers. This man was clearly an idiot, but I didn't say so, snickering under my breath instead. Beyond grinned and leaned forward, dark red eyes dancing in the dim porch light. "It's _blood._"

The man went paler than he was before, looking up at me as if for confirmation. I simply smirked and reached out my hands, tilting my head to the side and giving him a deadly look. "Pizza's free, thirty seven minutes. Hand 'em over."

"Thirty _eight_, actually," Near corrected from behind me, peeking around me to look at the pizza man. There was contempt in his dull gray eyes that made me mildly annoyed.

"Yeah, whatever, sheep-boy," I muttered, snatching the pizza's rather violently from the man as he handed them to me. As I backed up A suddenly raced out from behind me and, without warning, threw his arms around the pizza man. The man screamed at the contact, but the gray-haired boy was already hugging him; I heard Light laughing like a maniac from behind me, and I knew he put him up to it.

"Thanks for the pizzas!" A said in a strangely cheery voice, bouncing back and into Beyond's waiting arms, giving the pizza man a wink, gray-blue eyes dancing mischeviously. For some reason, the gesture was both cute and creepy all at once. "Better run along now, or Beyond'll have you for dinner!" The giggle he let out was equally creepy and cute as the wink.

The poor pizza man hightailed it out of there immediately.

"Prize goes to A!" Misa announced, laughing. It wasn't really a competition, but she was right - A won the "creep out the pizza man" game by a landslide. A returned to his shy self immediately, the mischief gone from his eyes to be replaced with timid insecurities.

I was a bit sad to see the mischief retreat - A's more confident side was easier to relate with. It was happier, too.

Before I could blink I was washed in with the rush of my friends into the living room, splaying out on the floor and breaking out the pizzas. Misa scowled at those of us who added to our pizzas - I covered my own pineapple pizza in chocolate sauce, L oddly enough added strawberries, and Beyond dipped his in jam. "You guys are so weird."

"It's good!" I tell her vigorously, practically inhaling my pizza. Misa hadn't touched hers except to wipe the grease off of it, barely eating at all as usual. I couldn't help but be a tiny bit worried about her - she was annoying as all hell, but I didn't like that she had an eating disorder.

L seemed to have similar condolences, that or it just simply annoyed him (it annoyed me, too, so I understood) and he grabbed Misa's pizza, waving it in front of her face. "This is _pizza. _You _eat it_," L said slowly, as if she wouldn't understand otherwise.

Misa gasped and scowled at him, but most of us were giggling at this point, save for Near (he didn't laugh…ever and, obviously, Misa). Surprisingly, Light was the one laughing the hardest.

"I know _that_," Misa snapped, snatching the pizza from the isnomatic's hand. Then, to my surprise, she leaned over and kissed Light on the cheek, lingering beside his face and giving L a look, retorting, "This is a _boyfriend...." _A smirk appeared on her face._ "_But you wouldn't need to know about _that_, would you?"

Everyone froze. L stared at her with wide gray eyes, dropping the fork he'd been holding previously to the ground in shock. Light's brown eyes had grown wide, and I saw shock in them. I was frozen in my spot, almost choking on my chocolate pizza. I saw Near's grip on Gevanni's sleeve tighten drastically. Beyond looked pissed. Everyone else seemed to sense the awkwardness even if they didn't understand, staring in shock.

Finally, Matsuda did what he does best, and broke the silence. "Well of course he wouldn't, Misa-Misa. L is a boy," Matsuda said, slowly, scowling at her in confusion. Light visibly relaxed, if not grimacing a little; L stared at him as he did, looking the tiniest bit hurt, but then the emotion on his face was gone and replaced by the usual blank slate.

"Exactly," L replied sternly, turning away and retrieving his fork. "I wouldn't know a _thing_ about boyfriends."

Misa seemed to deflate, her comeback lost on most of the people. Maybe even her. It became obvious that she didn't actually know what she was talking about, or at least not the extent - she was simply pointing out that L had no relationships. She had no way of knowing that the isnomatic was gay, nor that he was gay for Light Yagami.

Light looked as if he were in physical pain, though he put on an almost flawless mask of happiness. If I hadn't been looking for it, I wouldn't have caught the flicker of sadness in his amber eyes.

"Ha-ha…" Gevanni laughed half heartedly, shaking his head. "Okay uhh… that was beyond awkward."

"What?" Beyond responded automatically, then shut his mouth, looking slightly embarrassed. "Oh."

I broke out into a grin despite myself - beyond did that a lot, as did Near, since they were both actual words in the English language. I did the same thing with "mellow" except that's not a word people use often.

After a few moments of awkward giggling, conversation started up again. We talked about random things, like school - "Isn't Mr. Roger so annoying?" - to projects - "I'll never get that done by Monday unless I…" - and sports - "you should have seen it, Mello! Light hit it, and it was like WOOSH…" - and American Idol - "Oh my gosh, he was SO amazing last night with…" - and other needless teenage blab. I was chatting and ranting good as the best of them, sure, but my heart wasn't in it. All of I could thin of was the come out that almost happened, and how it would have to happen soon.

"Excuse me, I need a moment," Near mumbled from beside me. I almost didn't hear him over Matsuda's argument about weather or not Adam Lambert was gay. I ignored the albino as he got up and wandered away, arguing away with Matsuda.

"I don't know, I don't think he's gay," Mastuda said. "He doesn't really act like that, I don't think anyhow."

"No, no, he's defiantly gay," I tell him blatantly, shaking my head. "He wears _eye shadow_, Matsu, the guys gay as they come." _So am I, I should know,_ I think silently, but I don't speak the words.

L nods agreement. "I'm fairly sure he is a homosexual, based on his appearance and, shall we say, 'swagger' while entertaining," the raven-haired man said. _Do I have that swagger? _Thinking of Adam Lambert, I couldn't help but secretly hoping I did.

"Misa-Misa just doesn't see it, he's so cute! I don't _want _him to be gay," Misa complained, shaking her head. I scowled outwardly. _Who gives a shit what YOU want? It's his life, _I almost said, but I didn't.

"There's nothing wrong with being gay," Matsuda said quickly, as if correcting himself, looking slightly flustered. I tensed a bit when his gaze flickered to me. "Right, Mello?"

I froze, stunned - he was clearly trying to give me an opening to say something, but he was doing it really poorly. My mouth went a bit dry, but I managed to mask it, flipping my hair over my shoulder and scowling at him, my voice poisionis as I snapped, "Of course not, dip shit. What do I care where Adam Lambert sticks his--"

"Where did Gevanni-chan go?" Misa cut me off just in time, blue eyes fluttering in confusion as she looked around. I blinked and averted my gaze to the floor beside me. Indeed, it appeared that the dark-haired man had left as well.

_Is he following Near?_

It was really none of my business, really. Snooping is bad.

"Probably to get a… snack?" L suggested innocently, exchanging a look with Light that I couldn't read. The brunette made a face but said nothing, and I had to wonder if that was some sort of inside joke. Nobody but me seemed to catch it, though.

"Does anybody but me think that maybe he could be _Bi? _Like, does he have to be a complete, full out gay?" Misa asked randomly, mind obviously still in the Adam Lambert conversation, tapping her overly-glossed lips in a semi-thoughtful way. Matsuda immediately jumped into the conversation, and gradually everyone else did too, but the conversation was quickly lost on me.

No, I didn't really care much for the "is Adam gay?" conversation at the moment. My eyes kept drifting to the hallway as I finished of my chocolate pizza, wondering about Near and Gevanni. Surely nothing was going on - it was probably just a coincidence. And even if it wasn't, it was none of my business what those two are doing. I couldn't be a total snoop like this all the time. Really, it was unorthodox.

Ridiculous.

Mean.

Stupid.

Foolish.

Completely unnecessary.

"I'm going to get some more chocolate," I announced and got to my feet. Matsuda spared me a glance, but everyone else seemed engaged in argument on something or another. The topic seemed to have changed when I wasn't looking, but I decided not to worry, sauntering out of the room and down the hallway. I hated it, but curiosity had truly gotten the best of me once again.

It didn't take me long to find them.

I was hurrying as quietly as possible down the hallway when I saw a rather distressed looking Gevanni speeding down the opposite hallway, throwing open a white bedroom door. I was about to call out to ask him what he was doing when I heard it.

Somebody was crying.

No, more specifically, _Near _was crying. I knew it just as I heard it, Gevanni disappearing inside the room, and because I was a total snoop I continued to hear it as I slid against the slightly ajar door, peeking through it.

The dark haired boy was standing over the albino boy with a blank, slightly dark look on his face, simply staring at the pale boy. Near was curled up on the floor, hugging his knees and burying his face there. I could hear his sobs, just barely, muffled by his pajama-like pants. It was a kind of horrible thing that I barely felt any pity for him - I hated the bastard, I couldn't help it. He was annoying beyond compare. But part of me went out to him anyway, sympathetic none the less. Screaming for Gevanni to do something about it.

I shouldn't be there. I knew it. I was being a snoop. This was the part where I was suppose to turn way and let them have their privacy, just like that time before Computer class.

I didn't.

Finally, the dark haired upperclassman spoke. "What are you doing, Near?" he asked in a slightly awed tone, sounding as disbelieving as I felt. _Near? CRYING? _The idea seemed unfathomable.

Near sniffled, tensing up a bit, as if he hadn't even noticed Gevanni was there until now. I sank backwards a bit, praying that they wouldn't see me snooping. Had Near been in his usual state of mind, he probably would have, but he wasn't.

"Clearly, Gevanni, I am sitting on the floor, letting out my repressed emotions in the form of tears. Do you have a problem?" His voice was cold, icy, and (not surprisingly) blunt; I saw Gevanni physically shiver from the tone, the darkness in his face replaced by slight pain.

"You mean you're _crying_," Gevanni whispered gently. He reached out as if to place his hand on Near's head, but instead his hand just lingered above the albino boy's head, almost painfully just hanging there. As if he were so sure that Near would slap him away in response that it wasn't even worth it. Maybe he was right.

"That would be the word for it," Near muttered. I still couldn't see his face, but he was twirling his hair again, like he always did. The sight was rather pathetic, actually.

"Why?"

"Because I am not as good at repressing my emotions as I thought I was, Gevanni. Now kindly get out, please," Near replied coldly. He shifted slightly, and I could see his face - it was slightly red and tear-stained, and I swear he looked younger than he usually did, eyes slightly puffy from crying. I'd never seen him look anything but dull or bored before, not in this intensity, but right then he looked angry, hurt, and somewhat terrified. So much that I had to avert my eyes to look at Gevanni again.

_I should look away now…_

Gevanni stared back at him with a suddenly determined kind of demeanor. I'd never seen him disobey Near before, he was like a servant or bodyguard in that way (everyone said so) but to my surprise he moved forward and placed his hand almost possessively on top of Near's head. And then he spoke. "No."

Near froze, about as surprised as I was. His mouth opened for a second, then closed, looking almost like a fish. IT would have been humorous had it been a different situation.

Finally, after a moment of still, stunned silence, Near seemed to regain his composure. He moved backwards slightly, reaching up and slapping Gevanni's hand away - just as suspected - shooting him a blank, hard look. "Fine. Stay. I'm leaving now, anyway," he muttered, scooting backwards and moving as if preparing to get to his feet. Gevanni gave him a hurt look and turned away, scowling slightly.

That's when my brain came back to life. _Get out of there!_

Oh, right. Snooping.

I leapt to my feet and made a dash for it, diving around the corner just as I heard a shuffle of footsteps start down the hallway. I was panicked that someone had seen me, but I don't think they did, racing down the hallway and making it back to the living room before they could.

When I returned to the room, I had registered three things:

1) Near apparently has emotions.

2) Gevanni obviously does too, and he for some bizarre reason had decided to set them all towards Near.

3) I wasn't the only one with secrets.

"Welcome back, Mello-kun," L said with an air of strange knowing that made me think that maybe he knew exactly where I'd been, taking a bite of a piece of pizza. It was chocolate covered - stolen from me, apparently - but I didn't call him on it. Giving him a nod, I flopped back on the couch, still stunned by what I'd just witnessed.

Misa is chattering about something or another, but I can't really catch what by the way she's talking. "And so I w as like 'oh my god' and she was like 'I know' and we were t the place, with that thing with the purple? And I was like 'NO WAY, did she..!?' and she was like 'yeah!' and we started chattering about it and I just couldn't believe that…"

Nobody seemed to be paying attention to her drawl at all. I was staring at everyone, waiting for one of them to burst and say something as Near and Gevanni scrambled back into the room. Near had the usual blunt look on his face as he, to my surprise, settled down right beside me, so close that our arms brushed.

I flinched in surprise, whipping to glare at him instinctively. Near didn't respond though, simply staring at the still jabbering Misa-Misa. Or perhaps looking _through her_ would be a better word, as if he could look straight through her blonde head and see Gevanni sitting down beside Light on the opposite side of the room from the albino boy, a saddened expression on his face.

In the corner of my eye Light shifted to scoot subtly further away from his 'girlfriend' and closer to L, opening his mouth slightly as if to whisper something. Just as he was about to, though, L scooted away in the other direction and suddenly spoke up. "Did anybody besides me see _The Uninvited_?"

I had. It was a good movie, but I didn't get the whole experience, since I guessed the plot twist within the beginning of the movie. Apparently, it's not a good idea to watch mystery movies when you're a genius. Sigh.

"I did, but it was much too scary for Misa-Misa," the blonde squirmed as she said this, moving closer to Light and snaking her arms around his. "I had Lighty-kins with me, though, so I was safe."

Light looked ready to be sick right then. L looked like he was ready to shove his fork in her eye. Misa was blissfully burying her face in Light's shoulder, but the brunette didn't even seem to notice, meeting eyes with the raven-haired boy beside him with a look of horrible pain. The isnomatic didn't even seem to register his gaze, simply shooting metaphorical daggers at the blonde attached to his shoulder.

Beside me I could see Near's slightly red face, staring straight ahead at the dark haired boy in front of him with a look of something new for him. Something so close to confusion it seemed simply out of place on his usually knowing face. Gevanni was simply staring at him, and somehow I doubt that Near comprehended the wishing look on his face. I recognized the look - Matt used to give it to me all the time. I didn't notice it on him before, but I recognized it now on this other boy.

It was crazy. So familiar and yet so sickeningly new. Love, hate, emotions, feelings, gay, straight, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends, enemies - nothing was black and white anymore. Who hated who? Who loved who? Who was dating who? Who was gay? Who was straight? Who was trustworthy?

Nothing was just black and white anymore.

I was just frustrated. With everything. With our group and all our crazy problems. With school and all the jerks there. With society for making everything so hard. With life in general, really. And that's when I realized -- we were all messed up here. To the degree of extreme messed-up-ness. We were geniuses, and yet we had more problems than the average highschooler. It seemed so pointless. The least smart of us was Matsuda, and he had virtually no problems. A happy family - I'd met them - above average grades, a good outlook on life, well liked by most. Hell, Annabelle had virtually no education at all, being taken over the border illegally when she was around two years old, but now she had a fiancée and was now on her way to having a healthy, wonderful family. And here was L, the smartest of all, in a love triangle with Light and Misa; here was Near, so caught up in destroying his own feelings he couldn't see Gevanni trying so desperately to reach out to him; here was _me_, struggling and choking on my own overwhelming sense of wanting to kick all these problems up the ass yet unable to fix my own.

Suddenly, the problem with the gayness seemed so… petty. Superficial. Not even worth being dramatic over.

So I flipped my hair, put on a smirk, grabbed my fork, raised it over my head, and not-at-all-subtly rammed it into my metal plate. It made a horrific screeching noise, but it brought all attention to me, eight pairs of eyes staring at me at at least twice their normal size as the knee-jerking sound echoed through the living room, breaking the irritated silence.

I took a deep breath, and let it all out. It came out in a short, blunt sentence that was much louder than it needed to be, rushing from my chest with such force that I literally thought I felt pressure come off my chest as I spoke.

"Guys, I broke up with Jade because I'm gay."

**A/N: You all probably hate me now XD and rightfully so, probably. You're probably screaming, ripping your hair out, yelling, "OH MY GOD, HOLLI! ANOTHER FUCKING CLIFFHANGER! REALLY!? REALLY!? YOUR REALLY DOING THIS!?" Yes, I am. Sorry. And if you're not doing that, you should really start soon. **

**Jk.**

**Anyways, I'm going to ramble a bit here so excuse me, but: MY FRIEND LUNA. IS A TARD. She so generously printed this out to read after testing, because she's apparently addicted to this fan fiction. SO she had it (chapter 8, if you were curious) and she SO GENIOUSLY dropped it in the hallway.**

**And now someone has it.**

**Yeah.**

**I'll update you if anything with it happens. I just hope my teachers don't find it…. Also, in exchange for her horrible mistake, Luna will probably be spellchecking this, since Rain has proven too lazy so far XD sorry, wifely! You know it's true! **

**Ok, bye for real. I'll update soon, I promise.**

**ALso, if Ms. ANnabelle's name randomly dissapeas, its' because people with Mr Ms or Mrs at the beguining without a space after the dot (.) get invisibleicated. I don't know why. I also don't know if that's a word (it isn't) but it hardly matters. I'l fix it all later. It did the same thing with the teachers. Does anyone know why it does this?**

**Also, the words like _this _that Ms. Annabelle said were in spanish. She said "Positive" and then "I'm so happy" and then finally "Oh my god" in spanish, in that order. Hope that wasn't too hard to figure out :)**

**Oh, and the words that Mello said meant "fuck off" or "piss off" or something along those lines. :) huzzah**


	19. Chapter 19

**Withdraw Symptoms**

**Mood: Shell shocked**

**Location: Flopped on my ugly yellow couch**

**Eating: Too many frikken M&Ms… (I'm going 2 get fat!!! TT_TT)**

**Drinking: Coffee (Black)**

**Listening To: Main Offender by The Hives **

**My angel never ceases to surprise me. Ever. You'd think that by now he'd be out of surprises, but quite apparently that's not the case. I'm laying here alone on the couch (Angel-boy is at a dinner party with some of his friends, I'll explain t hat in a minute) wondering WTF I've gotten myself into.**

**Okay, started this morning. It was a freakin GREAT morning, because Angel-boy apologized for the whole… *cough* scandalous thing… that we were talking about. You know, how I moved too fast that night and stuff and freaked him out? Yeah, that. ;__;' but anyway, we apologized and it's okay now! :'D**

**Sorta.**

**So anyways, we were laying in bed and I made him chocolate chip pancakes and shit, and he was snarfing them down (god, that boy is a freakin stick yet he can eat like 10000 pancakes, then have room for more chocolate. I don't know how he does it, but I'm jealous! DX) and getting little tiny bits of chocolate all over his face when the damned phone rings.**

**And I'm like "WTF?" because it's not my usual ring tone. AKA it's not Leon's special ring tone, since he's the only one who calls me EVER (minus the gang occasionally, but they have their own ring tones too… XD) and so I was kind of surprised. And I'm like 'defiantly a telemarketer' but Angel's like "AWNSER IT U FOOL" so I did. **

**And this guy answers and he's like "HELLU?" and there's this blunt voice with someone giggling in the background saying, "Beyond *scattered out by muffled squeals*" And I'm thinking **_**this is a prank call **_**but like an idiot I'm like "Beyond what? What?" and he's like "Birthday" and me (like an idiot) am like "It's not my birthday!?" and then you know what he says?"Beyond birthday, it's my name. Can I please speak with *insert Angel's name here*" **

**And so I gave it to him and apparently… he has a friend named beyond birthday.**

**What the hell kind of name is BEYOND BIRTHDAY? Apparently they call him B or BB usually, but still, wtf? XD oh well, I won't question it. Anyways, he hung up and shit and then…**

**.-. Well then we made out, to make a long story short. Half way through though I start getting… you know. An erection. And I'm like "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT" and have to push my angel away (dammit) because (dammit) I couldn't make a move on him again (dammit) after that happened (dammit) and I didn't want to freak him out, you know? And I'm thinking I'm being completely reasonable, though (dammit) its hard because (dammit) he's all like D': "eh? What I do? Eh?" like the cutie that he is.**

**But anyway, enough about my hard on and on to what's confuzzling me.**

**You know what he did?**

…**I swear I resisted. I did. Really. But he was insistent.**

**You people can probably guess what he did. O/////o but in case ur idiots and can't… _ he uh… fixed the problem down there.**

**With his mouth.**

**Yeah.**

**I know.**

**I didn't think of it then, but how was he that good at that? O/////O' scary thought there. But um… well, it was fabulous DX but that's not the point!! Because it was completely one sided! I felt terrible about it in the back of my mind, because 1) I couldn't return the favor (he wouldn't let me) 2) I couldn't do anything for him and 3) he would start freaking out if I tried. **

**What normal boy is okay with giving blow jobs and stripping down for you to check his butt-wounds (BEFORE he even admitted he was gay), but freaks out when I put my hands under his shirt?But I degrees. I won't rush him or anything o///o my concern isn't what he WON'T do, but the balance of what he won't and what eh will. Ahhh…. I shouldn't be telling you this, really. Totally not your business. But I want advice! *shriek***

**I don't even know anymore. *sigh* **

**All I know is that I love the guy, no matter how weird-ass he is.**

**Oh. I almost forgot.**

**He broke up with dear Jade-y. I don't know how I didn't tell you this before, but he did! *squeal of excitement* I mean I guess it was a given, but yay! Oh, and get t his - he's coming out.**

**Yeah. I know.**

**I mean, sure, Jade was going to tell everyone anyway, but… AAAAAH! *spirals around in a flurry of wacko-ness* he's so brave! Why couldn't I have been that brave? He just came out to HIMSELF, what, two days ago!?!? ;/////; that boy is a saint!**

**Or not.**

**But I love him! Wahh! **

…**.waah!**

**Anyways, I sent my angel off to his dinner party after a Johnny Depp marathon, and it dawned on me - I JUST SENT MY ANGEL OFF TO COME OUT TO HIS FRIENDS ALL ALONE.**

**Okay, I digress once again - he can take care of himself. He's an angel, but don't let that give you the image of some innocent little kitten. Because he's not - like I said, he's pretty kickass. But… I don't know, after everything that's happened with him it's just kind of scary. I mean, I remember when I came out…**

**I don't want to get into that right now. **

**But anyways… :-/ right now I've been laying on the couch, tossing and turning and trying not to worry too much. Waiting for Angel-Boy to text me. (he has his own ring tone by the way, it's Tiffany Blews by Fall out boy. ^///^ Don't ask why ;) cuz it's none of your business~!) which I'm not expecting to happen for a while now. If I've guessed anything about Angel-boy, it's that he's a partier. **

***sigh* I wonder if I'll ever get invited to his parties? Not that I'll be mad if I'm not - their HIS friends, not mine - but it'd be nice to get to know his friends. Does that make me sound clingy…?**

**Don't answer that.**

**Anyways, I'm not really sure what to do with my time. I've tried playing Pokemon, but all my pokemon are on level, like, 200 now; it's barely even worth it. I've already "caught them all." twice. so it's hardly any fun anymore.**

**I tried playing Super Smash Bro's Brawl, but kicking sixth grader's asses at video games suddenly isn't that fun anymore. And there weren't any beta's on. So…**

**I tried watching TV, but you know nothing's ever on Sundays.**

**I tried counting notches on the ceiling. But that was just nerve wracking.**

**And so I'm writing this blog.**

…

**I'm going to go listen to What's Up People really obnoxiously loud, dance around like a maniac, and annoy the next door neighbors. : ) THIS IS FOR YOU, MRS. SMITHSON! *skips off***

**Oh, one quick question for my readers:IS that normal? What Angel's like? Or is it just me being an idiot?**

**Oh, and.. Does anyone have a really fabulous chocolate cake recipe? Thanx.**

**Sparkles,**

**~Matt**

**Comments**

**PrinceLeon101: No, your just an idiot. JK. That is a bit weird. Oh, hey, btw - is Angel-Boy still mad at me? :-/ I'm assuming the answer is no, but…**

**///Reply///Matt: You idiot, of course he's not! (I'm 99% sure he's not, anyway. Then again, he's sorta bipolar XD) **

**FTWBoy221: Man, that sucks balls. Eer, no pun intended. At least this means he's loosening up, right?**

**///Reply///Matt: Real decent, FTWB. Real decent. Oh, and I guess so. XDD**

**HotChikka14: Wow, man, wow. Just…wow. Lucky u… u prolly shudnt worry. He'll b ready when he's ready. And if not, break up with him, rite?**

**///Reply///Matt: No, not "rite", wrong! I'm not breaking up with him just cuz he wont hav sex or whatever TwT**

**AxeManIzPwn: Goodluckwiththat,' anyway,.oh,,butican'tcookatall!ha!**

**///Reply///Matt: I'm going to b honest with you, man… I didn't understand a word of that.**

**x-Castiel-x: **

**Matt, **

**I believe Lucid may know of a recipe you may use. Also, inform your "Angel" that I wish him luck on his "coming out" and such, I imagine it would take much bravery. **

**Please take care,**

**Castiel**

**///Reply///Matt: You're so formal, C. XD Dear lord…. *sigh* yeah… I imagine it'll take some bravery, too, C. I imagine it will…**

***

"Guys, I broke up with Jade because I'm gay."

My voice seemed to have a paralyzing effect on the room, bringing forth a inexplicable, stunned silence in place of the awkward one it had shattered. I felt frozen in the tremulous moment, simply floating there in my position beside the table, my fingers still gripping the fork to the point that my knuckles whitened.

And there were my friends, all staring at me with equally bewildered, shocked, or horrified expressions, most a mix of all three. Just blankly staring at me in a way that can be described only in disbelief, but I barely saw them. I just saw myself, in a way, or rather heard myself. Heard my own voice that I had spoken, as if it hadn't been me that spoke but somebody else; as if someone else had come and spoken for me.

_I'm gay._

I'd said it, but there was no major reaction. It seemed incomprehensible - as if I had expected there to be a nuclear explosion when I said it in front of them, or for the entire world to just spontaneously combust. But nothing of the disastrous sort happened. There was just… this. Just this staring. Just this floating.

Somehow, this was worse. The quaking, horrible silence that filled the room was so thick with shock that it choked me. Yet I didn't want to end this belated moment, because if I did, it would lead to, what else? - words. Reactions from the people in front of me, the wide eyes looking at me.

And then came the first voice, breaking through the silence in a high octave that could, had that been physically possible to do, shatter windows.

"You're _what?_" Misa cried, her pitch enough to make me wince. She looked as shocked as she sounded, her blue eyes wide, as if threatening to fill up her entire face, mouth hanging open. Just for a second, I imagined a bug flying in and choking her, but of course that didn't happen.

"Gay," L answered for me, his voice surprisingly angry. I flinched at the word, as if it had stung, but I knew that despite his blunt tone he wasn't being cruel. Matsuda looked as if he wanted to be sick just holding back what he knew, cheeks literally filling with air as if he were about to burst and spill everything for me. Light looked pale, but I'm not sure if it was because of the confession or the fact that Misa's grip on his neck had tightened in her surprise. A looked stunned, gray-blue eyes huge and his head tilted far to the left. B had a similar expression, though he was chewing on his thumb thoughtfully instead of tilting his head. All the blood seemed to have rushed to Gevanni's face, making him blush madly, as if he were the one that had confessed his homosexuality instead of me - was he really that sympathetic of a person? - and giving me a queasy smile. Matsuda looked ready to faint, though he was grinning rather disturbingly wide. Near just did what he did best - stared blankly with no apparent reaction.

"Since when!?" Misa cried, finally releasing the choking hold on Light and spinning to face me. For a second I was afraid she was going to tackle me, but she didn't, just stared and flailed her arms around.

"Eer, forever?" I replied dumbly, even though I know that's not what she meant. When everyone gives me a look, I continue, "I only came out to _myself _on Friday, okay, don't give me that look."

They continue to give me that look. "Wow… you came out fast," A whispered, squirming a bit in his seat. His gray-blue eyes were wide and surprised. "How did you figure it?"

"Erm…" I stall a bit, scratching the back of my head in embarrassment. I'm glad that at least nobody's throwing stuff at me, like I had originally feared in the back of my mind. _No, remember - just tell them. Go on now, Mello, don't be a coward. _"Well, you know the guy I was with at the cycle race? Matt?" Most of them nodded, even if they hadn't been there themselves - they'd at least heard about him. Who hadn't? "Um, well… he's gay. And I'd kind of liked him for a while, but I'd been to scared to admit it to myself till now. But I fixed that... problem... so there you go."

"Wow." Was all Gevanni could come up with to say, staring at me.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Misa suddenly shouted, shaking her fist dramatically. At first I thought she was being serious and flinched away from her hand, but then she started laughing. "Hot damn, Mello-chan, I'm glad you told us - I was planning on hooking you up with Taka!"

Ew. Takada. I made no comment.

Before I could change my mind and make a comment anyway, A suddenly let out an gut-wrenching scream and leapt out of his chair, throwing his arms around my neck and tackling me to the floor.

Of course, I was completely shocked, so I just laid there like an idiot with the gray haired boy clinging to my neck, but my shock was quickly replaced with laughter as A sat down on my stomach - he was light as a feather, I tell you! - and grinned. "Good for you!"

"Woohoo, dog pile!" Matsuda announced loudly. I yelped and stopped laughing, about to shout my objections, but before I knew it Beyond had landed atop of A, followed quickly by everyone else except for Near throwing themselves onto the pile, laughing like a bunch of idiots.

"Get your ass out of my face!" I squealed, giggling like an idiot and kicking my legs. They weren't actually that heavy, but it was still uncomfortable, shoving L's butt away from my head's general direction.

"I can't help it, Light-kun's sitting on me!" L objected, though I couldn't see anything much except random body parts of my friends. I was giggling beyond comprehension now, and from the corner of my eye I saw Near gather himself up and, smart kid that he is, hopping primly on top of all of us, completely uncrushed.

"No fair!" I screamed, wriggling, but the fight was half hearted, smothered out by the group-glomp my friends had dealt out. "I'm being crushed!"

"Yeah, get off, guys," A whispered, though I don't think anybody but B and I heard him. I realized how fragile he really was, and he was on the bottom besides me, looking completely smushed. I laughed and twisted to shove Light off of the poor gray haired boy, but Beyond beat me to it, promptly shoving everyone on top of him (AKA everyone but me and A) off of them in a single shove.

That boy's stronger than he looks.

Everyone was laughing now - minus Near - from the high pitched giggles of me, to the muffled, choking sound laughter of A, to the maniacal chuckling of Beyond, to the annoying squeaking giggles of Misa, to the strangely addictive laughter of Matsuda.

After a long while of pointless laughter I realized I was still hugging A, my arm swung over his shoulder as if for support but not really leaning on him at all. It was strange, touching the boy this way - he was always so self conscious. Lately though he'd been more open, and it was nice. "Thanks, man," I murmured through my laughter so that only he could hear, referring to the distraction of the glomp.

A only smiled and slipped out of my arm to wriggle back to his seemingly perpetual placement under B's arm.

"So…gay…" Misa said slowly after a moment, scrunching up her nose. She looked me up and down for an achingly long-feeling moment, and I could tell she was making judgment. I rolled my eyes - didn't I already make that obvious? Slowly, a smile stretched across her lips. "Well you ARE wearing purple skinny jeans. I can so see that."

"HEY! I happen to like these jeans!" I cried in embarrassment, crossing my arms over my chest and shooting her a glare. Light started laughing unrepentantly, shaking his head. "How did we miss it before?" he asked with a chuckle, disbelieving. "You're straight as a bendy straw."

I promptly slapped him on the back of the head for this, but it did nothing to delay his laughter. Gevanni looked nervous at the topic coming up - was he gay, too, I wondered, or was it just Near? - but he laughed too. Near continued to stare, like he always did, saying monotonously, "I always knew."

I continued laughing and shaking my head before the words set in inside my head, freezing me in place.

_Whoa. Wait. Back up._

"You _did_?" I snap, giving him a glare. He looks quite sure of himself, and though I hate to admit it, he's never been one to lie about things like knowledge. "HOW?"

"Trust me, it was quite obvious," Near said bluntly, shaking his head. I scowled, but didn't say anything; I knew I was blushing, though, because everyone was laughing again. "Stupid sheep…" I muttered, shaking my head, but in my head I was thinking: _how did he catch it with ME but not with his constant shadow, Gevanni? Or maybe he has, and just doesn't care… _The thought was sickly-making, so I shoved it away.

"Oh my GAWSH, everyone at school is goanna FREAKK when I tell them!" Misa gushed, flailing around and dancing in a circle. She caught herself half way through her second 360 though, whipping around and giving me a guilty look. "E-err I mean, I won't tell them if you don't want me to!"

"God, Misa, really?" Light muttered, shaking his head in disapproval, but I'm fairly sure that the blonde didn't hear.

"Of course you can't tell! _He_ has to!" B said demandingly, glaring at her. As he said this, I remembered Beyond's own come out - he'd grabbed A by the wrist one Tuesday morning, swept him up onto the lunch table, stood up on his seat, and promptly made out with him in front of everyone. It caused a huge riot - people cheering, people clapping, people screaming, people gossiping, people fake-gagging, people melting, people squealing, people announcing them 'awesome', people glaring jealously in their direction, treachery-types screaming for order and getting none. It was quite the scene, but very much like B.

It had been the day after A attempted suicide. Shivering, I shoved the memory away.

"No," I spoke up before anyone else could shoot retorts at the other blonde, shaking my head. "That's the reason I'm telling you now. Everyone will know soon anyway."

"Jade…" Beyond muttered before I could, a look of surprisingly deathly hatred in his ruby red eyes. Everyone shifted uncomfortably at the mention of the brunette girl, and I saw Near's eyes flash with some emotion I didn't catch.

"Yeah, I told her. It'll be all over tomorrow, she totally flipped out," I explained a bit grouchily, flipping my hair over my shoulder and sighing quite dramatically before flopping backwards onto my back; staring at the ceiling now, I realized it was brown, though the walls were white. _Huh. Weird._

"What a bitch."

The jab, surprisingly, came from Matsuda. I looked sideways at the dark haired boy to find his face pinched up in irritation. L, sitting beside him, spoke up pointlessly, "The technical definition of 'bitch' is 'pregnant female dog."

"Jade is pregnant?" Misa asked dumbly, blinking her big blue eyes.

Light had a more pressing question. "What are you going to _do_? You can't have Jade spreading rumors about it, can you!? She'll kill your reputation!"

I scoffed. "Reputation shmeputation, I don't give two shits," I growled honestly, sitting back up again and hugging my knees. Light and Misa looked bewildered by this, but L smiled. "Besides," I continue, shrugging. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Loose your hottie list position?" Misa offered worriedly.

"Get shunned by your classmates," Light replied.

"People assuming you're a jerk because Jade worded it weird?" Matsuda spoke up cheerlessly, biting his lip.

"School-wide prejudice could occur," Near reminded us in his usual blunt tone, shaking his head slowly.

"Oh, yeah, and then the world spontaneously combusts?" I ask sarcastically, shaking my head and snatching a truffle from the table, closing my eyes to savor the flavor as I popped into my mouth. Honestly, I had decided I didn't give a shit anymore - it was only Weddy and Halle left that I even cared about the opinion of, and I knew that they wouldn't ditch me over something that didn't even effect them - actually, Halle would probably be thrilled, because it would give her more initiative to try and force me into a dress. So what if there were jackasses around? I'd just kick their asses if they messed with me anyways. Sure, admittedly, it might get a bit hurtful, but whatever. I'd have my lunch mates and Matt to keep me going at least. It would be nothing compared to the other things I'd been through.

I was about to tell them this, but Near cut me off unexpectedly.

"I think it is good that Mello is so laid back about this," Near said, twirling his hair absently as he did. "I'm sure that there are many conservative, prejudiced people, even at Wammys; none of us would want him getting hurt."

_Aw. Why did that sound so nice?_

I scoffed to cover up my split second of frilly feelings, opening my eyes and looking at him. He wasn't returning my gaze, instead staring at a muffin wrapper that he seemed to have turned into origami. I roll my eyes. "Me, getting hurt by a bunch of jackass homophobes? Whatever, who cares what they think? Their just douche bags."

Light scowled a bit, but didn't say anything. I barely noticed, since L was speaking again, tapping his fingertip to his lips thoughtfully. "I could probably name a few that will cause trouble, but it's unavoidable…" I watched his slide over me and rest on the brunette beside him, a flash of something unreadable going through his pencil gray eyes. "Coming out for someone you care about is worth it, anyway."

Light, to my surprise, completely ignored the isnomatic, giving me a fake smile. "So, have you told your family yet?" he asked cheerlessly, amber eyes looking oddly hopeful. I freeze at the thought of it - telling my mother. My _brother_. God, the idea was sickening, I didn't even want to try and picture it - I would get beaten, screamed at, and probably raped. Not that that didn't happen every day, anyway.

I must have looked as horrible as I felt, because Light's face fell at my expression. Everyone was looking at me now, Beyond's red eyes huge and sympathetic. "Don't worry, Mello-kun," A spoke up quietly, reaching out and touching my fingertips just barely. I flinch away automatically, and he looks a bit hurt, but continues, "My parents didn't like it at first, either. I'm sure they'll get over it, though. Mine did…"

_Get over it...? No. Not in this life time._

"Maybe," I lied in faux-cheerfulness, giving him a winning smile. "It's not that big a deal, It was just kind of shocking for them. They'll be fine once it sinks in." I've always been a good actor, and immediately everyone's face relaxes, Light's about-to-commit-suicide-again face relaxing into a relieved one. The only ones who doesn't have this reaction are Near, who's giving me the same blank-slate expression he always does, and L, who I know can see right through my lie by the look in his panda-eyes, but neither say anything on the topic.

"Everything will work out fine!" Matsuda chirped, grinning broadly. By the high-spirited tone he used and the honest hope in his large brown eyes, I almost believed him.

***

**Mello: Matty-kun! I did it! Everything will b okay now. Pick me up kk?**

**Matt: on my way, darling~! Don't wait outside, you'll b soaked! It's raining!**

**Mello: just hurry up, I don't want 2 get hypothermia!!**

**Matt: BITCH!!! *runs for car* ;D JK!**

**Mello: :P always. Now hurry ur ass up, it's cold!**

*******

"Bye-bye, everyone!" Misa called as she jumped into her chauffeured car, waving from inside with a big grin on her glossy lips. I waved limply back from my spot just inside the door, waiting for Matt to show up. _I bet he got lost again._

Yagami was standing beside me, his hand dropping immediately after Misa was out of sight, the fake-smile gone from his face. L was standing behind him, eating a mysteriously appeared ice cream cone absently. It was almost midnight now, and everyone was gone save for me and Light. I wasn't sure why Light wasn't gone yet, si nce he had come in his own car, but I didn't ask.

"Is your boyfriend picking you up?" Light asked casually, leaning on the doorframe and staring out into the rain. It was freezing outside, and I rubbed my hands over my bare arms as I nodded, trying to get enough friction to fight off the biting chill.

"Yup."

"Matt, right?"

"Yeah, Matt."

"Ah."

I shuffled my feet awkwardly, shoving my hands in my pockets, the friction plan forgotten in the freezing of my fingertips. It was somewhat awkward talking about my date life with Light - actually, it was awkward talking to Light at a ll, since normally we were arguing about something.

Light tapped his foot absently, leaning against the doorframe and rolling his shoulders back, staring up at the ceiling. L was still contently eating his ice-cream, staring at us with analyzing panda-eyes. Perhaps _us _wasn't the right word though - more specifically, he was staring right at the brunette beside me. I could tell he knew it, too, because he kept brushing his hand through his hair and shuffling awkwardly under his gaze.

I didn't say anything in response, simply standing and watching Light squirm as I waited for Matt to arrive to pick me up. Today had been so crazy, I was ready to just face plant onto the bed and sleep. Or, better yet, face plant onto the bed, kiss Matt for about twenty minutes, eat chocolate, _then _sleep. Yeah, that was a good plan…

"I assume Mello-kun understands any situation I have at the moment," L suddenly said, his monotonous voice slightly quieter than usual as it innterupted my train of thought. I blinked and looked over at him - it was clear by his serious expression that he was referring to The Yagami Predicament. I nodded, giving him a squeamish smile. "I assume that I don't have to remind you that you should not mention it… to anyone."

"Of course not, L," I said quietly, though I felt weird talking about it as if Light weren't there at all. I saw the brunette shift uncomfortably in my peripheral vision, but I ignored it. "Why would I say anything?"

"You wouldn't," the black-haired boy replied simply, shrugging. "I was simply making 100% sure."

I wince. "Oh."

Light squirmed beside me, suddenly speaking up, as if he hadn't overheard at all - even though he clearly had. "I'm going to leave, guys. See you around," he said quickly, spinning on his heel and retreating into the rain towards his car. I don't blame him for hightailing it out of here - L was obviously going to start this conversation regaurdless of Light overhearing or not.

As soon as he was out of sight, L spoke up again. "I hate to set this on you, Mello-kun, but I feel that your sentiments would be the most positive. I am in need of…" he paused for a second, as if thinking of the right word. I frown at him, surprised at the expression on his face. He reminded me briefly of a nervous, embarrassed schoolgirl. "Condolences," L relented, though he didn't seem content with the word.

I pounce on the opportunity immediately. Console L? Of course I would! I mean, I wasn't one for fuzzy-happy friendship, but L was sort of my role model. Lately, I've been dying to help him _somehow, _so I was ready to take this chance - especially since this would be an easy, rare chance at doing so.

"Of course, L," I reply quickly, reaching out to rest my hand on his shoulder a bit awkwardly. "Anything."

"I have been feeling… torn," L said slowly, screwing up his face. It wasn't like him to be talking about feelings - or even admitting he had them - so I understood this had to be hard for him. I scooted around him as he slid into a chair, face contorted a bit; he was the picture of frustration. "As you know, Light-kun has… feelings for me."

"And you for him," I remind him quietly, remembering the scene at the school. The raven haired man's usually ghost-pale skin took on a pinkish hue, looking up at me with deer in the headlight black eyes.

"Y-yes," L stammered a bit - which was rare for him - and moved his hand to chew on his thumb. He looked equally thoughtful as he did a bit funny as he did this, his face still pink. "That too. But it seems that Light-kun cannot come out to anybody…"

Before I could demand _"why!?" _or say _"That's because Yagami's a dickhead" _he continued in a weary voice, "It seems so ridiculous to me, even though he's explained it a million times. It seems that his father is extremely… conservative. So Light-kun is very… afraid… of being this way."I squirmed in my seat, immediately made uncomfortable with the topic, but L is not to be stopped now, seeming to see right through me as he talked.

"Light-kun has always been the type to care all too much about what people think of him, in his family and otherwise. It's not just his father he fears, but also the school. He values his… popularity, as well as his academics and such. He's not quite as brave in that category as I wish he were.

"But that's not what makes me upset!" I flinch when his voice suddenly jumps an octave, very unlike L. "You'd think he could at least break up with Ms. Amanye! But no! Apparently… apparently…" His voice was smothered out by sadness out of no where, and I sucked in a breath. I couldn't believe it - it was such a rare, unbelievable sight, to see L Lawliet break down. But here he was, his stony facade crumpling to reveal a broken kind of expression, dark pencil-gray eyes filling with liquid that could only be tears, a blush burning across his face as he spilled the rest of the words out, coming out in a strange, unplanned gush - another thing very unlike the man before me.

"You see… Yagami-kun is in line to inherit the company that 's family owns. So he… apparently he has to meet the expectations of his father and the company and his mother and… just everyone. And Misa, it seems, is to take over another one of these large companies as well; because they are both of the very wealthy class, and their two companies are constantly competing, the hope in their families is that their relationship will form a…business bond. So his father would be very… very upset if they were to break up, especially for… for…" _me. _The unspoken last word echoed through my head as L averted his gaze from me, looking down to glare at the floor, obviously upset with himself for breaking down.

"Like an arranged marriage…?" I ask in bewilderment, blinking repetitively and feeling stupid as I do. L nodded miserably, shrugging his shoulders and returning to the previously forgotten ice-cream, biting almost violently into the cone.

I don't let on that I'm shocked, hopefully, covering my mouth with one hand in the most thoughtfully ay possible. It seemed so crazy - that kind of thing still happened? It seemed unbelievable. _Light Yagami and Misa Amanye…. An arranged marriage… dear god. Poor L. _I wince, soaking in this information. I hadn't ever seen Mr. Yagami as this kind of person, but I decided it was possible - he did seem awfully over-approving of Misa and Light's relationship.

My mind flickered to the scene at school, Light pleading with the raven-haired boy. Begging. Telling him how he felt over and over. Saying that he cared. Picturing the scene I'd witnessed in the computer room, both of them in that embrace and… I shook my head, surprising even myself by shouting, "Well that's still lousy of him to treat you that way!"

L jumped in surprise, pencil-gray eyes growing impeccably large. "Mello…" he begins, worry in his voice, but I cut him off, shaking my head angrily.

"No, L, it's not alright. I like okay Light, I really do, and I understand where he's coming from but…" I sigh, taking in another shuddering breath. "I saw what happened in the computer room, at least part of it. And if he's being that intimate and loving with you in private, he shouldn't be going out with some girl in public, even if it is arranged by his parents."

My words are met with a strangling silence, and I can see the pain in L's eyes as he looks at me, but I meet his eyes with sureness. I was being honest - that was a completely lousy thing to do. I had broken up with Jade immediately after just _kissing _Matt - I couldn't imagine pretending to date someone when you loved someone else behind the curtains. It just seemed so… ridiculous. "That's just all there is to it," I told him quietly, reaching out a bit hesitantly and squeezing his shoulder. He winced a bit, but didn't shrug me off. "It's a no-win situation, for any of you three, if you keep this up, L."L sighed, averting his gaze to look at his legs. I'm surprised by what he says next.

"I know. It's not logical, staying with him. I know it'll only cause me pain in the end," L whispered almost inaudibly, and I could hear the shame in his voice as he spoke. "But I can't stop. I've tried, so many times… but I can't stop wanting him around. I care about him too much, even if he doesn't… deserve it."

I suck in a breath, slipping my hand off of his shoulder. I understand immediately.

"You're in love with him," I said quietly, surprised at how wistful my tone is. Honestly, the idea is both breathtakingly heartwarming and gut-wrenchingly horrible. _Poor L. Poor, poor L. _

L nodded, his composure slowly coming back to him, the blank expression returning to his face. "You must think I'm a fool," he whispered disgustedly, tapping his bare feet against each other blankly before puling himself back into his usual sitting position.

I shook my head. It was a curious thing, this feeling - somehow, knowing that he was like this made me respect him more than before. It proved he was human, that he wasn't the blank, seemingly robotic blank slate of a human that so many people at Wammys seemed to see him as. He was flawed, and yet… still L. "No, you're not a fool," I tell him quietly. "Even the most helpless of love isn't something to be frowned on."

"That's very deep," L said blankly, looking up at me again. I snickered despite myself at the idea - Mihael Keehl, deep-thinking, sentimental philosopher. _Yeah, right. _He sighed, looking away again. "Thank you."

"Yeah. Whatever," I muttered, suddenly a bit embarrassed being this sentimental around L - or anyone, for that matter. The silence that settled on us was uncomfortable and awkward, and I found myself staring at my hands. There was the faint white mark where I'd cut myself that day after I told Jade… the memory seemed so faded now, just like the wound. Now all I could think of was Matt. Was that what love was? Our love, if that was what it was, seemed so simple compared to L's. Maybe it wasn't, and I was just stupid and it wasn't simple at all, but it seemed that way now. We were just together, always, he loved me and I cared about him. But love is never simple, I knew that by now.

L scuffled his feet a bit, brushing his black hair away from his face and opening his mouth as if to say something. Just as the first syllable was about to escape from his lips, though, I heard a blaring sound of car horn from outside.

"That must be Matt," L said after a second of wavering, turning to look out the doorway. It was still pouring outside, possibly harder than it had been before, but through the sheets of water I could see Matt's bright red car, and the still house that was waiting inside for me. I felt a tiny tingle of warmth go through me - _about time you got here!_

"Yeah, that's him," I said a bit apologetically, grabbing my phone off the chair and shoving it into my pocket before getting up. L doesn't get up, not even looking at me, rather staring out into the rain with a thoughtful expression on his face. I found myself, if only for a second, wondering what kind of things the isnomatic thought about as I looked at him; I didn't have time to be pondering that sort of thing, though, and I spun on my heel with a quick, "see yah" before sprinting out into the rain.

I was drenched almost immediately after I stepped past the obnoxiously large door, rainwater beating down on me almost painfully. Somehow, being this wet made me start laughing as I sloshed my way down the driveway towards Matt's waiting car. As I near it I can see Matt grinning at me through the window, giving me a wave as I race through the rain to the passenger door, flinging it open and flopping onto the seat.

"Aaaahhh!" I scream dramatically, slamming the door shut behind me and relishing in the dryness of the car. In the review mirror I can see how soaked I am, my blonde hair looking almost brunette in it's wetness and sticking to my skin around my face, my shirt completely soaked and sticking to me strangely, making me look all kinds of ridiculous.

I didn't care, though, because Matt was laughing because of it. "You're drenched!" he cried, reaching over with his gloved hand and ruffling my wet hair. I scowled at him half-heartedly, but can't help but laugh as well.

"Yeah, well, it _is _raining," I remind him dryly, stretching and leaning back into the seat. It only occurs to me later that I'm getting his expensive seats wet, but Matt doesn't seem to care.

"Yeah, I know," Matt replied cheerfully, pulling the car around the circular driveway and down towards the road. His windshield wipers are on a rampage across the window, dancing back and forth in battle with the invading rainwater, and I can't help but follow them go back and forth with my eyes. "So, how did it go?"

"Good," I replied, hearing the relief in my own voice as I gush the word out. After that I tell him everything that happened - minus the L conversation, since that seemed much too private - in as much detail as I can stand. He smiles and nods throughout the entire thing, occasionally adding in an 'oh my gosh!' or 'wow' or 'ha, funny' in, but never really interrupting me. I finish with a, "And now I'm here, obviously!"

"_Wow. _You really came out, huh?" Matt mused happily, chuckling to himself. I blink at him - hadn't I told him that I would? He glances at me with a prideful kind of smile. "I would have chickened out," he explained.

"I'm not a chicken," I retort, sticking out my tongue at him. He laughed.

"Yeah, I didn't think you were," Matt replied cheerfully, reaching one hand over to pat me on the shoulder. I smile and lean my head to trap his hand there, enjoying the warm feeling it gives me; I surprise myself in realizing I really weirdly missed him during that dinner party and was already craving his affection. I presume that the depressing conversation with L might have been part of it.

"I'm so sleepy," I complained randomly, releasing his hand in favor of leaning back in the seat and letting out a wide yawn. I hadn't actually realized how sleepy I was until just a few minutes ago, but now that I did I was _exhausted._

"We'll be home soon," Matt replied wistfully, turning a corner before speeding up. I was dimly aware that he was driving much faster than the speed limit, but I decided I didn't give a crap - he was a good driver, and I was too sleepy to care.

By the time we get to the building's parking lot I'm mostly drifted off, the only sound in the car the quiet sound of the radio on; I'm vaguely aware that it's Main Offender by The Hives, and though I open my mouth to tell him I like the song no sound comes out.

Matt pulls into a parking space and tilts his head to the left to look at me; my eyes are half-lidded but I can still see him watching me. He smiled. "We're home, Mells."

I let out a contented little sigh. _We're home. _It's such an unfamiliar choice of words to my ears that for a second it feels unreal. The word "home" had always been such a hostile word, and yet… coming from him it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Or maybe I was just drowsy and delusional, one of the two. Either way, I murmured, "Good… I'm freaking exhausted."

Matt chuckled and slipped out of the car, jogging around to my seat and opening the door for me. I'm immediately jolted out of my sleep by the stream of cold air that meets me, but I can't help but grin - Matt is soaked already, his usually bright red hair looking darker than usual and sticking flat to his face as he grins down at me, dripping wet. "Come on, I'm getting soaked!" he cried, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the car. I realize as he does this that I hadn't even buckled my seatbelt.

"You're already soaked!" I squealed, though I was just as wet as I hurried out of the car with him. Matt laughed and grabbed my hand, leading me in our race towards the door. As we do, though, I suddenly remember something and halt in my tracks, jerking Matt's arm to make him halt despite the rain pelting me as I do this.

"What?" Matt asked in surprise, though he's not complaining, pushing the now foggy goggles away from his eyes and up into his wet hair. I grin at him, feeling childish all over again as I brush my soaked hair away from my eyes.

"Just this," I tell him cheerfully, leaning downward slightly and lingering in front of his face, eye to eye with his. He blinks in surprise, green emeralds of eyes widening in surprise as our noses bump just slightly, pressing my forehead to his. Matt doesn't have time to say anything in response before I press my lips to his, immediately drawn into the warmth of him. He doesn't hesitate to return the gesture, returning the pressure immediately and drawing his arms around my waist, pulling me closer than before. I moan a bit with pleasure - feeling his lips on mine was an irresistible sensation, even with the rain beating down on us. His shirt was soaked as I ran my hands down his back, but I can feel his muscles beneath the drenched fabric as I do.

Finally he breaks off the kiss, his green eyes alight with an amazed kind of expression. I grin at him, seconding that emotion and hoping that he can see that in my eyes, too.

"What was that for?" Matt asks cheerfully, pushing the hair from my face. Over his shoulder I'm dimly aware of people giving us weird looks, but I'm too focused on Matt's affectionate expression to care.

I smirk at him, taking a step back and giving him a cheeky little wink. "So that now, when those stupid online quizzes ask me if I've kissed in the rain, I can say yes!" I tell him happily, dodging his playful smack that was aimed at my shoulder.

"You're nuts!" he cried, laughing despite himself. I stick out my tongue at him before darting towards the entrance of the apartment building and bursting in the door. Our shoes squeak harmoniously as we raced across the lobby, heading for the stairs.

"Wait up!" Matt exclaimed as I sped up the stairs, but I only laugh at him, my hurried footsteps reverberating through the stairwell as I raced upwards, unable to stop my giggling as I glanced over my shoulder. I spot him racing after me, grinning broadly and reaching out his arms as if to grab me.

I squeal and hurry my pace, but due to exhaustion and giggle-fits he catches me at the top of the stairs, grabbing me around the waist and spinning me around. My giggle-scream echoed down the stairs as he did this, kicking my legs in half-hearted opposition. After the third dizzying 360 he releases me, but I continue leaning on him for balance, laughing uncontrollably now. "We are… so… WET!" I cried through my giggles, in retrospect being much too loud. "I AM SO WET! AND DIZZY!"

"Shhhhhh!" Matt shushed me, but the reprimand was completely empty, because he was laughing throughout and waving his hands in attempt to stop himself. "It's like midnight! You'll wake everyone up!"

"PEOPLE ASLEEP AT MIDNIGHT ARE LOOSERS! EVEN IF IT IS A SCHOOL NIGHT!" I announced, throwing my hands up dramatically and bursting into pointless laughter again. Throughout this moment I vaguely wondered how much caffeine had been in my soda, then decided I didn't care. Matt laughed again and threw his hands over my mouth in attempt to silence me, only to receive a prompt bite to his palm.

"Shit!" Matt cursed in reaction, flinching his hand away. I laughed and bolted, throwing open the stairwell door and racing towards room 666. As soon as I burst in the door and flop onto the ottoman to pull off my shoes, though, I remember how exhausted I am. Matt is quick to follow me, sitting down on the couch to pull off his own shoes. I'm immediately irritated by the laces on the shoes, cursing under my breath when the leather contraptions won't simply pull off of my tired feet.

"Here, let me get 'em," Matt offers quickly after removing his own converse shoes, bending down beside me and quickly untying the shoes. _His hands are talented, _I think carelessly as I flop backwards onto the ottoman, shutting my eyes and letting out a sleepy mumble of 'thanks' before surrendering to drowsiness.

When the shoes have been successfully removed I'm immediately relieved, sitting up again and pulling the shirt off over my head. As soon as it's removed I can see Matt again, who's face has gone red at the sudden clothing removal; for some reason, the sight makes me laugh. "W-warn me before you do that!" Matt insisted in half-hearted anger, averting his gaze and hurrying into his bedroom to change. I chuckle to myself and ignore him, tugging off the suddenly unbearable skinny jeans and tossing them on the floor.

Once I'm successfully in nothing but boxers I promptly decide to just screw pajamas (I mean really, who needs em?) and go to bed, completely exhausted already as I drag myself into the bedroom. Just as I enter the doorway I remember and call, "Warning you!"

Matt spun around, surprised by my entrance. He's just in boxers too, though I doubt that's what he was going to slip into bed in. I ignore him even though I'm fairly sure he's undressing me with his eyes, dragging my still damp self into the bed and face planting into the pillow. I was shocked at how cold I suddenly was, but the blankets had mysteriously disappeared. "Mmmnn… where's the comforter?" I complained absently, turning to lay on my side.

Matt hopped onto the bed beside me, flopping with a _whump _onto the mattress at my left. I looked up at him drowsily as he adjusted his position on his own pillow. I noticed blankly that he was also only in boxers, but it didn't concern me. He smiled at me before he replied, "Oh, the comforter. It's sticky."

"Oh. Right…" I mumble, feeling a tiny hint of a blush stain my cheeks. In the back of my mind I know I should be really embarrassed about that, but really it's not even a concern at that moment. In fact, the only two things concerning me right then was how sleepy I was and how cold I was. Matt chuckled and rolled his eyes at me as I yawned.

Matt rolled over and flicked off the lamp beside the bed, allowing darkness to cover the room. I hummed in discontentment as goosebumps found their way up my arms and I scooted across the bed in favor of cuddling against the redhead beside me. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was very warm, snaking my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest.

"Awfully cuddly today," he murmured, but it was far from being a complaint. I felt the need to laugh and opened my mouth to do so, but it came out as only a yawn. I noted blankly that he smelt like cigarettes and ramen noodles.

"Guess so…" I murmured, sighing contently. Matt wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a subtly protective way, fingers brushing through my still wet hair with such gentleness I couldn't help but smile in response. He was so warm that I craved every single piece of bodily contact, tangling my legs contently with his. It felt good being this close to him, and a part of me wished I could just stay there forever.

_Maybe I will… _I thought absently before closing my eyes and letting myself slip into a contented sleep, my last thought whispering through my mind and following me out into the nothingness of sleep. _Maybe I'll just stay with him forever. I'd like that… I think I'd like that a lot._

**A/N: HUZZAH FOR POINTLESS FLUFF ON A STICK 8D And drama! Kind of. XD is everyone okay with me featuring LxL and GxN a little bit too? This is a MxM centric fic (obviously) but I couldn't help but add those two couples in there too a little bit ^^' and BxA but their relationship isn't what I'd call dramatic XD' **

**Anyways, I hope you're all enjoying this fic! ^_^ I might not update as fast as of this weekend, but I might surprise myself ; ) I just want to thank all of my lovely readers and reviewers, I get a little mini-high of excitement every time somebody makes a comment on my stories, even if it's just a "hey, good job!" or "OMG MxM FTW" "hey, ur Spanish SUCKS" (which I got a lot, btw XD) as long as it proves that you're reading!!! *squee* **

**So…review if you can find the time! 8D maybe it'll encourage me to update faster…? (though, honestly, I don't know how I could update any faster at this point, since I've got a chapter up about every day, or at least every other day XD but you know.)**

**Oh, and about Castiel, that was a requset from my dear friend Clover, you'll see more of him later XD yeah, he's based on the dude from Supernatural (the show on TV) that I've never actually SEEN, so I might get him wrong… but whatever. XD she only asked for the name to be included, so yeah. 8D woohoo! If you don't know who he is (or if you DO, for that matter) just assume he's an OC, since he is mostly. XDD just fyi.**

**~Holli**


	20. Chapter 20

You know how teenagers always complain about school? How in the morning when they wake up at the crack of dawn just to get up and go to the ultimate torcher chamber of learning, bullies, and gossip-girls (high school) and rant the entire way there because of how much it sucks? The way that all teenagers seem to be genetically programmed to hate school with a fiery passion?

I'd never had that problem before. Usually, I'm one of those dorks who's happy to just get the hell out of the house and learn some shit. There I said it --- _I like learning. _I know, it's hard to believe, but it's true. Plus, school pretty much beats the shit out of staying home with my mother. And I'm not bullied nor am I often gossiped about; I'm a pretty popular guy.

Unfortunately, today this was all about to change, and I knew it.

My cell phone's alarm shrieked at me from where it sat on the side table, loud and obnoxious. _BEEP BEEP BEEP. _I let out an audible groan and squirmed in the covers, at first forgetting where I was and expecting to wake up in my shitty bed, but I realized almost instantly that I was warm. And still cuddled up with Matt.

"Nooo…" Matt moaned beside me, obviously awoken by the evil phone as well. The sunlight was just barely leaking through the window to our left, and it seemed to almost burn my eyes when I forced them open. The redhead beside me looked even sleepier than I felt, eyes squeezed shut and a disapproving frown on his face. "Five more minutes.." he muttered.

I couldn't manage a smile for the life of me, despite how cute that was; I was freakin exhausted. I shut my eyes again, trying to pretend that it wasn't Monday and this was all just a fluke.

_BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP._

"Damn it all…" I grumbled, wriggling out of Matt's arms and giving in to the day. Matt groaned in complaint as I slipped away from him, but I ignored it, slipping out of bed and shaking my head I attempt to banish the sleepiness. The clock on the bedside table reads 6:00. School was at 7:20, but I couldn't risk sleeping in any longer, despite my quick early morning routine.

I shuffled my way into the bathroom, ignoring Matt's almost inaudible, exhausted grumbling from the other room. I'm appalled when I look in the mirror - my hair is messy and bed-headed and there are rings around my eyes. _I really should have gone to sleep earlier, _I thought absently, grabbing a toothbrush and not particularly caring if it'd been used or not (Matt was the only one who was here, and if he had weird mouth diseases, I already caught them.) and scrubbing my teeth.

I end up having to raid Matt's closet again - I'd have to remind myself to get some clothes of my own somehow, though I was kind of broke at the moment. Luckily I manage to find some black knee-high shorts and a faded black t-shirt with some logo on it that I couldn't even read at this point, and a studded belt. It wasn't my usual getup, but I didn't have any leather at the moment, so it would have to do.

As usual I'm ready within five minutes - save for my hair, which I would spend the entire trip to the school brushing - and I head over to find Matt. I find him in the bathroom in his usual getup - striped shirt, black and red, and jeans - battling his red hair with a brush and a scowl on his face. I laugh without meaning to - he has the worst bed head I had ever seen. Matt scowled at the mirror. "My hair is evil," he tells me angrily, jerking at the brush angrily. I couldn't help but laugh as I bounce over to him, glancing at the clock. We had plenty of time, considering we were probably driving to wherever we were going. Still, I didn't want it to take too long, so I end up grabbing the brush from his hand.

"I'll do it," I say quickly, pushing him down to sit on the toilet seat. He frowns but doesn't argue as I brush through his hair - he winces a bit when I do, since I'm not exactly gentle with the process, but he doesn't complain. I'm secretly very pleased to be brushing his hair - it's crazy and tangled, but it's outstandingly soft.

After about ten minutes we're all ready to go, his hair skillfully tamed by _me. _It was still messy in that adorable boyish way, but it's brushed out enough so that it doesn't look like the rats nest he had woken up with. My hair was still a total mess, but I'm brushing it as we head out the door, swinging my backpack over my shoulder.

"You seriously brush it the entire way to the school?" Matt inquired quizzically, peering at me with suspicion in his goggled eyes. I chuckled and nodded. "Oi... Pretty boy," he teases, poking me in the ribs.

I slap him away, temporarily reminded of Triston. _Triston. Fuck, how is that guy going to react when he finds out? _I think worriedly, but I don't let my worries show, instead snapping, "I am not a pretty boy, I just like to look nice!"

"Sure, whatever," Matt continues the tease as we jog down the six flights of stairs, a goofy kind of grin on his face. "You're still vain." I scowl at him, but the gesture is half hearted.

"Well, if you think _I'm _vain, you should see Light Yagami get ready for school," I replied defensively, remembering the one and only school night sleepover I'd had with Light. I remembered the day - his sister, Sayu, had been screaming at _him _to get out of the bathroom, and then we'd both had to tackle him in order to make him hand over the brush. Oh, the irony.

"The brunette guy with the hots for L?" Matt asked uncertainly, giving me a look. I nodded, and he laughs. "Yeah, I can see that. He looked kind of over confident."

"Yeah, he kind of is," I replied breezily, chuckling to myself over the memory I keep replaying to myself, Sayu smacking Light over the head with his tennis equipment in order to obtain the hairbrush and me snatching it away from he just as she did.

We hopped into the car and gunned it immediately, zipping out of the parking lot. Apparently Matt's school was on the opposite side of town, so he'd have to gun it to make sure he was on time too; he informed me he was late a lot anyway, though, so it wasn't a hassle.

I realized half way through our trip that I was truly dreading school for the first time in… ever. Since kindergarten, I think. I'd always loved school, like I said before, so it was a new experience, everything inside of me wanting to announce that I wanted to skip and simply go back home with Matt.

But of course, I couldn't just run away from my problems - that's what weak people do. And I had to see what kind of rumors Jade spread so that I could divert them if necessary, or at the very least be there to confirm the factual part of what she'd tell people. Tell the real story, at least. I tried to imagine that everyone would be cool with it, but I knew they wouldn't.

Weddy, Halle, Triston, Butch, Linda, Ava, Katy, that Tammy girl, Susan… none of them knew. _They will by the end of the day, though._

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding when Matt breaks the silence, tilting his head to look at me in his peripheral vision. "You okay, Mell?" he asked in a worried tone, eyebrows scrunching together apprehensively. I shrugged, looking back out the window. I noticed vaguely that the neighborhood between the my area and his wasn't the nicest, and looked a bit like the scenes in those gang banger movies.

I continue brushing my hair.

"I'm fine," I replied, running the brush through my already tangle-less hair. It was the truth - I would be just fine. It was just all so tense - I hated imagining the horrified faces of my classmates. I hated the idea of being rejected, but it wasn't impossible that that would happen, at least with a few of the people at Wammys. My mind unconsciously flitted to my soccer team - would they be mad I hadn't said anything? We'd shared a locker room for years, laughing and smacking each other and the more prank-prone of us stealing people's boxers out of open lockers; the usual locker getup… that would be impossible now. It wasn't like I perved on anybody, and I still wouldn't, but they didn't know that. We weren't exactly close, save for Light but even _he_ wasn't that close with me.

I let out a sigh and look back up at Matt. His eyes are on the road, but I can see the worry on his face, his jaw set pensively. "It'll really be okay," I remind him again, though I'm not sure if I'm saying it for him or for myself - both? Either way it doesn't seem to relieve either one of us, though Matt does force a smile in my direction.

"Okay," he allows, releasing one hand from the steering wheel in favor of reaching over and squeezing my shoulder. I'm grateful for the touch and move one hand to rest on his, as if to trap it there. "You know you can call me if you need anything at all, right?" he added, biting his lip with worry. For a moment I see something flicker through his eyes, but I can't read it. In the back of my mind, though, I think of his mother - _did he have anyone to call when _he _needed it? _I doubted it.

"I know it," I murmur, kissing his hand on instinct. He blushes a bit and darts his hand away, but he's grinning at me, green eyes dancing happily. I grin back. "I'll text you illegally in Health class."

"Good deal," Matt laughs, turning away and looking back to the road. It's miraculous he never crashes, considering he turns partially away from the road a lot, but he's just that good a driver a suppose. _He's anti-stereotyped of the average teen driver, that's for sure, _I muse inwardly, turning to look out the window again, watching as the area rushes by and slowly becomes more familiar. I do this until I realize that we're on the road that's directly heading towards Wammys.

_School._

"Fuck it all," I mutter when the large establishment comes into sight. Glancing at the clock, I see that we're at least forty early, but I can already see kids in the yard, people running around and gossiping away in the parking lot, students rushing in and out of the entryway. I don't see Jade's car in the parking lot - as far as I know she doesn't arrive early much - but that doesn't mean she's not here. That she hadn't texted, emailed, facebooked people. It didn't mean that they didn't already know.

Dread creeps through me as Matt pulls the car into the school parking lot. I immediately feel eyes flicker to the car, and I spot Triston and his girl-hoard standing around on the sidewalk, most of the girls spinning to stare at the car. I wonder in the back of my mind if they realize it's Matt. I wonder if they know it's me _with _Matt. I wonder if they know why.

"I'll see you later," Matt breaks me out of my dreading spell, parking the car near the entryway. I peek over my shoulder at him and force a smile; I don't want him to worry.

"See yah," I say with fake cheer, meeting his eyes for a moment. Their covered by goggles, but I can still see the worry there. For a second, I want to lean over and give him a kiss, but in the back of my mind I know that people are watching me through the window. Then I remember that the windows are tinted - not that it even mattered if people saw at this point anyway - and leaned over to kiss him daintily on the nose. "Tootles," I chirp, and he grins at me as I hop out the door, momentarily forgetting.

Key word: Momentarily.

As soon as my combat boot made contact with the cement outside the car door, though, all of the harsh reality of high school comes rushing back. I remembered that I was _Mello, _Mihael Keehl, one of the most popular and yet the most misunderstood and mysterious boys in the school. I remembered how fast gossip spread in this school, in this institution where everyone knew everyone else, where everyone knew their place because it was literally ranked on lists, officially or not regardless. I remembered how hard I fought to claw myself out of the "fag" side of the insults, and that all of that would be for nothing. I remembered how judgmental everyone was here. I remembered that I was one of the students who simply could not fade into the background, met immediately with the stares of a million quizzical stares.

"There's Mello!" I heard someone squeal to my left, and I realize it's one of the fan girls - who I believe is named Suzy or Sara or something - jumping around with Katy across the yard. I brush past them with a flash of a smile in their direction, testing to see if they knew.

Katy and What's Her Face both blush and shoot each other the 'oh my gosh!' look, and as soon as I'm a few steps away from them I can hear their whispers. Proving that they didn't know. Actually, nobody seemed to know - everything is so anticlimactic in a way. I keep expecting someone to point and scream 'FAG' or something, but this doesn't happen. It's all just the same: the same disregarding smirk from Triston across the way, as always surrounded by a hoard of girls; the same wistful, oh-how-I-wish gazes from girls; the same shy glances from the shier girls like Tammy; the same manly head-nods from guys who saw me as an acquaintance; the same glare from bullies like Butch; the same jealous eyeballing from the nerdier group; the same indifferent glances from the Goths; the same friendly wave from the skaters who had a common enemy with me - A.K.A. guys like Butch. The same general reaction as I headed down the parking lot towards the school, strutting my entire way. For the last moments soaking in the glow of popularity and normality.

I had anywhere within thirty minutes before the rumors would start flying.

Tension had taken control of my body as I slipped through the doorway with a crowd of preppy kids who I half-way knew, exchanging absent minded greetings - "Hey, Mello, what's up?" - before hurrying towards the lockers. The anti-climatic feeling was killing a part of me, but the other part of me was temporarily relieved.

Somehow, the problem of my evil locker wasn't even a problem anymore, my mind completely distracted by the impending doom as I spun the dial to my combination. It was a struggle to keep my composure, watching the vaguely familiar faces of classmates out of the corner of my eyes as the filed past. _What will they think? How will they react? Will they simply believe it, or will they be like the boy so long ago and come to me for confirmation first? Will they be appalled, or will they simply shrug and say "oh, I can see that" or "oh, really? Wow. Oh well!" like my friends did? How many people already suspected?_ The questions were scary, and in effort not to think about them I pointlessly shuffled through my things, exchanging my backpack for my Geometry book, trying to convince myself that I was fighting a tremble because I, like everyone else, was afraid of Ms. Rem rather than the students who would be in her class.

I've never been that good at lying to myself, and as soon as I slammed the door shut, I sighed; there was no use hiding from reality, not today.

"Mello! Hey!"

I startled a little, at first expecting someone to be scowling at me, but behind me was only Halle. She was grinning, completely unaware of my inward worries, trotting over to me and waving broadly. "What's going on?" she asked pleasantly, adjusting her leather jacket on her shoulders.

I shrugged, letting out a sigh and leaning back on the lockers, the brutally honest part of me coming out without consent from the rest of me. "Oh, not much, just bathing in the reality of my homosexuality," I replied absently, a gloomy since of 'whatever' washing over me as I did. Halle stared.

And then she laughed. "Good one, Mello," Halle scoffed, shaking her head, a broad half-smile on her face. I found myself randomly noticing that she had new shoes, black flats with a broad buckle. I decided to stare at them as I replied, to cowardly to show my face to her again, much I hated it.

"Nope, not kidding. You'll hear all about it by second period, courtesy of Jade Martina" I said bluntly, surprised at how uncaring I sounded, as if this were just casual conversation. _Maybe it is, by now. Maybe it doesn't even matter, in the long-run, what sexuality I am; I should just get over myself and come out with it, right?_

Easier said than done, but I managed to look up at her and smirk; the smirk broadened uncontrollably when I saw her expression. Her usually narrow pale amber eyes had widened like saucers, mouth parted just slightly in surprise; she started bubbling up with random excerpts of stammers and beginnings of sentences, but couldn't seem to bring herself to say anything.

Finally, she managed to make her sounds form sentences, but when she did I kind of wished she didn't. "What kind of bitch is she, starting a rumor like that!?" Halle exclaimed in surprise, anger overtaking the shock on her face. I scowled, taken off guard by her sudden swing in attitude.

Shoving away my more childish cowardice I straightened myself up, eyeing her angrily. "It's not a rumor, Hal - I'm a fucking homosexual," I snapped, waving my hand in front of her face. She stared at me, seeming to be completely uncomprehending of what I just said. For a second, I shift my weight, uncomfortable - I didn't know Halle terribly well, and wasn't really sure what her views were, and for a second I doubted.

And then she spoke, her voice oddly high-pitched. "R-really?"

"Trust me, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true," I replied, peeking around the hallway for onlookers. Nobody seemed to be in listening range, though there was a girl-hoard across the hallway sneaking glances at me, and a few emo kids lingering around the lockers a small ways to the left.

Halle suddenly let out an annoyed groan and threw her hands up in the air, as if in defeat. "Well there goes the last of my childhood hopes and dreams. I'll just have to settle for marrying someone else!" Halle announced rather loudly, shaking her head. At first I'm as flabbergasted as she was before, but then she's grinning teasingly at me, forcing me to smile back.

"Well, sorry," I manage a bit awkwardly, shrugging my shoulders. I can't help but still feel a bit uncomfortable, but it felt good to come out to Halle - she was, after all, the closest thing to a "really close friend" I had, save for Matt.

Halle rolled her eyes. "Whatever, I'll forgive you as long as this means you're going out with the redhead. Matt, right?" It was my turn to be completely shocked, my hand flying to cover my mouth in attempt to keep the gasp from becoming audible; I knew I was blushing, and swept around to glare at the lockers in attempt to hide it. "Woman's intuition, darling! You have to tell me all about it," Halle adds, winking. I sigh.

"Oh, don't worry, Hal. You'll hear about it from _everyone _in the next few hours," I told her bluntly; I was dimly aware that this was somewhat like Near, and I quickly affixed a smirk on my face, flipping my hair over my shoulder and shooting a cool smile at Triston from across the room on a whim. His eyes widened and he looked away, looking confused and irritated, and I had to smile. "Everyone will."

"Right. Jade," Halle replied in a sad tone, shaking her head. "You were an idiot for dating her."

"She seemed nice."

"They all do," Halle informed me, swaying her hips to the side and leaning on the lockers. She was eyeing Ava from across the room - I recognized the short brunette girl as a friend of Jade's, the one who had shown contempt for me before. She was staring at us from across the ways, a knowing look and a smirk on her face.

I flicked her off, and she looked away.

"So, what now? You start strutting like a catwalk, flipping your hair and wearing skin-tight clothing?" Halle asked, batting her eyelashes innocently. When I gave her an incredulous look, she let the smile inch widely across her face. "Oh, wait. You _already _did that!"

"I hate you," I snapped, hand darting out in attempt to whack her over the side of the head. She dodged, though, laughing as she ducked backwards, out of range of the half-hearted blow. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Weddy running over, waving her hand in greeting; I sigh - here we go again.

Turned out, though, I didn't have to say anything at all. Halle spun around and threw her arms around Weddy in a sudden blur, grabbing her around the waist and spinning her around with surprising ease. I could only stare as Weddy squealed angrily and pounded on her back until being sat down again; Halle was grinning with a glossy look in her eyes. "Our Mell-Mell is growing up, Wedders!"

Weddy blinked rapidly, gaze flickering between Halle and me before finally resting back on Halle, raising an eyebrow. "Eh?"

"He finally admitted he's gay!" Halle exclaimed, flailing her arms. Weddy stared, red-stained lips opening partially in surprise. I couldn't see her eyes through her sunglasses, but I imagined they widened by the way her eyebrows shot up. I groaned.

"Nice way to be SUBTLE, Hal!" I complained angrily, reaching out to smack her. This time I got her, clipping her over the side of the head; she only laughed.

Suddenly Weddy flung off her sunglasses, holding them below her chin in a dramatic fashion; her eyes - which turned out to be a pale indigo-like color - hadn't actually become huge, rather they were squinted with the huge grin that had formed on her face. I blushed when she eyed me, waggling her eyebrows. "Oh really?" she drawled out the second word, obviously getting a kick out of it. "Yeah, I can see that."

"Well good for you," I grumbled, rolling my eyes. I couldn't keep the smile off my face, though - how had I ever doubted their support? _Matt is changing me. I didn't ever think of them as close friends before. I didn't treat them well enough… I was so fake._

I shake my head as if to dislodge the thought, turning to look down the hallway. It's starting to fill up with students now, and a first year nearly sprawls to the ground trying to get past us in his rush, tower of books in tow. I can see Ava still watching us from the other side of the hall - there's something in her eyes that spells mischief.

"Well, no need for pondering," Weddy piped up again, letting out a chuckle and throwing an encouraging thumbs up my way. "Good luck, babe."

"_Babe_?"

Weddy ignored my question. "I've got to get to Mr. Higuchi's class," she changed the subject out of no where, flipping her hair and readjusting her sunglasses. I relaxed a bit - she was obviously trying to make it feel like it wasn't that big a deal. She flashed a scowl - "If he calls me Marrie instead of Weddy again, I'll kick his ass in"

"And I'll help!" I replied as cheerfully as possible, laughing and following them down the hall. Mr. Higuchi was kind of a jerk, and ignored the strange number of aliases in the school despite the high level of complaint - called me Mihael, called Weddy Marrie, called Near Nate, ect. The only real name he didn't know was A's, which nobody could get out of him; it somehow wasn't even in the system, and when Higuchi tried to force it out of him, Beyond roundhouse kicked him in the face. That, needless to say, had only strengthened his dislike for aliases, and yet so many people here had them; it was like a war at this point.

We reached the classrooms quickly, parting at Ms. Rem's doorway with subtle goodbyes. I noticed, though, that Weddy lingered for a moment to give me a hug; it wasn't something she did often, h ugging people, and it wasn't a girly hug either - it was a big, deathly squeeze of a bear hug. I returned it gratefully - Weddy was subtle with frilly things, but she really cared.

I slipped into class wondering how many people knew by now.

I was surprised when the only stares I got upon my entrance were the usual ones; a girl with a curly bob sighed dreamily when I passed her, as if I were some unusual beauty. I repressed a groan, slipping into my seat opposite Near.

I almost didn't notice the albino was there; he was sitting even more quietly than usual, fiddling with his dolls. I'd never really looked at them that well before, but the population was growing - the Jade doll, much to my pleasure, was missing an arm. A redheaded doll had appeared on the corner of his desk, a pair of makeshift mini-goggles on it's head - Matt.

Currently, though, Near was fiddling with his Mello doll, staring at it with creepy intensity; I know that it was just a doll, but I felt like he was staring at the _real _me. A shiver went down my spine, and I averted my gaze, pulling out a bar of chocolate and munching on it nervously, trying to divert my thoughts from dwelling on the impending problems and watching a group of laughing boys enter the classroom.

Suddenly Near moved in his seat, leaning subtly towards me, his hand slipping away from the desk. I watched his arm as it stretched over to my desk, and for a second I thought he was going to poke me before his fist opened and a note dropped to my desk, his arm darting back to it's place sitting on the desk. I stared at him; he hadn't made eye contact with me the entire time, instead staring straight at the doll.

I looked over at the note suspiciously - it was folded like oagami, but it was definitely a note, since it said "TO: M" on the wing. Tentatively I picked it up, unfolding it gently as not to rip it. The words inside were written in loopy letters - not Near's handwriting.

_Jade,_

_So you know the plan, right? Hah! Everyone's going 2 be so disgusted! Poor Mel-Mel's going to be mortified, huh? Oh well, what he gets. Faggot._

_I'll meet you outside, in the hallway; let justice prevail! Be sure to get a picture of his FACE after this! LOL! _

_~Ava _

I blinked, stunned. _Plan? _What exactly were they going to do?

Where had Near…? My eyes trailed downwards on the note to find tiny, precise handwriting - Near had written a note below the loopy, girly handwriting of Ava.

_I do not know what the plan is; I'm terribly apologetic, but I did not have time to uncover enough evidence for this "plan" the girls Jade, Ava, and possibly Takada seem to have formed. I do know, however, that they have not told anybody about your situation with Mail Jeevas. I wish you the best, N_

I wasn't sure why, but my first reaction was irritation with Near. _What the hell are you helping me for? _But no, wait, that wasn't right. Near wasn't my friend, far from it, but we were common allies against bitches like Jade; if I had heard about them making some plot against someone, I'd probably tell them, too. My second reaction was more rational - _what are those fucking whores planning?_

I looked up at Near, not realizing at first how wide and possibly frightened my eyes must have been right then. Near returned the gaze from the corner of his eyes, the usual blank expression on his face. But those blank, dead looking eyes spoke volumes for me - _how will you handle this? How will the great Mello react?_

I really hadn't a clue. But I did know that it couldn't be as bad a what Gabriel did to me - and I had gotten through that, hadn't I?

Ms. Rem interrupted my state of mind, storming into the room with an irritated look in her reddish eyes. "Alright, class, today we are having a Pop Quiz. I assume all of you did your reading selections over the weekend…?"

A universal groan went through the entire class, save for two - the two, more specifically, being Near and I. I had read and reread the chapter before - you had a lot of time on your hands when you were hiding out in your bedroom all afternoon, to say the least. Near not studying was an oxymoron, so I won't even go there.

Just as Ms. Rem was gathering the quizzes up, the door burst open. I startled a bit, head flying up, but it was only Misa. She strutted in like she owned the place, a carefree smile on her face as she came in at least five minutes late. "Morning, Ms. Rem. Sorry I'm late," she purred, twinkling her fingers at the teacher before sliding into her seat.

Had this incomer been a regular student, say me or Light Yagami or even L Lawliet, Ms. Rem would have slapped a detention slip on their desk and snapped that they were rude, disrespectful, and tardy, and that they were quite frankly failures at the entire game of life; Ms. Rem did not accept tardiness from usual students.

Misa Amane was not a usual student.

"Yes, of course, dear, just have a seat," Ms. Rem replied blankly, waving her hand in dismissal as she passed stacks of papers to each row to be passed back. I heard a few groans of irritation come from behind me, and when I passed them back I could see a few boys - who were often a few minutes tardy - shooting the blonde looks. Misa simply beamed straight ahead, not seeming to notice the special treatment at all.

I look down at my test, scowling at it. It's actually incredibly easy, though I'm a bit distracted and honestly don't look into it too much. I just scribble in the answers - it was easy as cake, though, so I wasn't worried when I slipped it into the tray (annoyingly enough a few minutes after Near, but whatever). I spot Suzan give me this gushy look and whisper under her breath, 'he's so smart…'

I have to repress the urge to gag as I slip back into my seat, going back to nibbling on my chocolate bar. There _was _a sliver lining to all this - at least when I was out of the closet, that kind of thing would stop. Sure, there was a tiny part of me that thrived on the attention, but I could find it elsewhere.

In fact, I was starting to think that this wasn't so bad at all until the bell rang and I got to my feet, making sure to make myself the first out the door like usual… and saw the papers.

_The Papers._

They were everywhere - scattered on the floors of the hallways, taped up on walls and lockers, tossed carelessly about everywhere. I couldn't take one staggering step without stepping on one - they nearly covered the entire ugly tile floor, nor could any of the students filing out of the classrooms around me.

I didn't even have to look at it to know it was Jade's doing. It had to be.

Slowly, shakily, I bent down and took one in my hands, holding the flimsy printer paper in my grip so tightly that the paper seemed to be threatening to rip. As soon as my eyes rested on the photo there, horror stopped me cold.

The picture wasn't familiar, but the scene was. It was the club. Our date at The Apple. I recognized the moment, too - it was me and Matt. Locked in our passionate embrace, my hands on his chest, his hands resting on shoulders; our lips locked together, eyes squeezed shut. I was seeing in this photo what everyone at the bar must have seen - I looked like a whore, pressed up against him in the middle of a public place - I hadn't realized how hot and heavy we really looked like we were getting. _But we look happy, too._

I didn't want to read what was printed in bold at the top, but was kind of hard to miss.

"**SURPRISE SURPRISE - LOOKS LIKE MELLO IS A FAG!"**

I wanted to be sick - no, no, no. This wasn't the way it was suppose to be, coming out to people… it wasn't suppose to happen this way. Not with photos.

Looking up, I realized I didn't even have to hear the whispers flying around me to know they were about me. I saw Katy and Suzan, once my biggest fans, giving me wide eyed looks, Suzan's mouth parted in shock. A group of football players laughing wildly and pointing to a paper that had been taped to his locker. Triston across the hallway, giving me a smirk that I knew I would get. Everywhere I looked, people were staring at papers, passing them back and forth and chattering away.

"This is crazy! Is that MELLO!?"

"No way… he's _gay?_"

"This _has _to be photo shopped…"

"Isn't that the Matt guy from the race?"

"This is going on my _wall!_"

"Oh, WOW. They're really going at it!"

"Ewww! He's a FAGGOT?"

"Ahaha! Didn't you like him once, Kristy?"

"Is he a… _prostitute _or something?"

"No fair…"

No fair was right. I felt a million eyes on me, burning in to my back as I found my footing again, dashing down the hallways. The papers didn't stop in the hallway I was in, though, the papers and the stares of the people holding them following me down the hallway to Mr. Ryuk's room…

…and past it, into the empty computer room, flying through the door without a second thought and slamming it behind me. Praying that nobody would follow me in to see me break down. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, threatening to make an entrance into the world as I collapsed into a chair.

I told myself I was going to be strong. Convinced myself that it was going to be okay, that I would take this like a man, that I would be strong through this pointless abuse. But I hadn't ever imagined it would be this sudden, this disastrous. My mind immediately went over scenarios - I could have avoided this. _How had I not noticed that Ava and Jade were there? How did I not see the flash of the camera? How could I let this happen?_

I was trembling now, the paper I had picked up crumpled in my grasp. I heard the second period bell ring but I didn't care, letting out a shaky breath. Refusing to let myself cry. I wasn't hurt, not physically. Just stupid and cowardly and afraid - not hurt. This was no need for tears.

_I hate life right now… I hate it so much…_

I understood, in an eerie scene, how Light Yagami felt. For just a moment, I realized that I could sympathize with the way Light hid from himself, from everyone - he was wrong to hurt L that way, but… I could understand the fear.

_You're disgusting for being this afraid. For hiding from all this, you are nothing but a child._

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. But as much as I hated it, I _was _a child. I may be unusually smart and been through more than most adults ever would; I might think I was strong and adult and brave… but inside I was still a child. Still only seventeen, still struggling with adolescence, still hurting just like everyone else. I still cared what people thought - I couldn't stop that.

Just as I was about to let myself break and start to cry, I heard it.

The creaking sound was just barely a sound, almost inaudible really, but the sound was amplified by the sheer silence of the room. My head shot up to stare at the door, immediately forcing the tears form my eyes in fear that it was someone who was here to judge me. But it wasn't - it was L.

He was peering around the door with a strange expression on his face, panda eyes soft and understanding as he gazed at me. He seemed uncertain as to weather he should leave me there, but I found myself longing for confront, stretching out a hand to signal for him to come forward. L didn't need to be told twice, darting through the door and shutting the door behind him before dashing over to me, skidding to an awkward halt in front of me.

I forced a smile, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "What's up, Lawliet?" I asked with fake casualness, but my voice cracks on the second word, my tone going from strained to broken, facade crumbling as my gaze falls from his face to the paper in my hand. _Surprise Surprise, indeed… _

"I grieve for your social problems, Mello," L said quietly, his words almost painfully formal. I took little comfort in the way he reached out and patted me on the head, but I forced a smile for his sake. "What are you going to do?"

I shook my head. "I have no idea," I replied honestly, feeling like a coward again. L scowls at me, surprise me a bit at the intensity of his gaze.

"Well, I hope that this plan does not include skipping any more classes," L replied in a scolding voice, frowning at me. I glance up at him, a bit cheered up by the pouty scowl on his face. _L is worried about me. _I managed a real smile this time, shaking my head.

"What is it _you're _doing, L?" I challenged, looking up at him. He blinked.

"Going to the bathroom," L tells me, waving the a bathroom pass in front of my face. I laugh half-heartedly, waving my hand in dismissal of the object. This turns out to be the wrong move, because his hand darts out and grabs mine, forcibly jerking me out of my seat and to my feet. "And now I am bringing you to class."

It was the hardest thing in the world, somehow, to leave that chair. Everything in me wanted to just collapse back into it and continue to sulk for as long as possible, or to call Matt up and beg him to wisk me away, or to make up some clever excuse for the papers, to deny that it was me in the photo. But I shoved that away. I refused to be that weak.

"Fair enough," I replied bravely, giving him a smile. He dropped my hand and hurried out the door, a victorious look in his eyes. I follow him out, not allowing myself a glance over my shoulder for fear I may go running back.

As I exit the room I spot A darting around down the hallway, snatching copy upon copy of the paper off the floor and off of lockers. I'm a bit touched, but when I turn to thank him L speaks up. "Everyone who has a free period is helping to pick them up, but there is no possibility of getting every copy."

"Doesn't matter. Thanks, anyway," I replied heartedly, flashing A my best smile. The gray haired boy only nods in his usual way and continues gathering papers and chucking them into the recycling bin. L nods and continues walking.

Everyone is in a classroom now, but I still feel as if I can feel eyes on me even before we get close to the health room. Inside the Health room I can hear Mr. Ryuk rambling on about the benefits of antibiotics or something along those lines, but even just peeking in the tiny window on the door I can tell nobody is paying attention; in fact, I can see Jade in her seat passing one of _the papers _underneath the deskto the boy sitting beside her.

"Shall I go first, or should you?" L asked from behind me. I can tell just from his tone he thinks I should go first, so I gather myself up and shoot him what I hope is a convincing smile.

"Here goes something," I say wistfully, grabbing the handle and swinging the door open, keeping the façade of confidence on my face. As soon as the door is open, all eyes turn to me - I feel them before I see them, about thirty pairs of eyes trained on me all at once. They range from apologetic to scared to bewildered to amused to taunting to spiteful. Well, in Mr. Ryuk's case, just bored.

"You're late, Keehl. I'll let it slide this time, but don't let it happen again," he said in his rare 'strict teacher voice,' giving me a look that finished his statement for him: _I'm letting you off the hook because I know what happened. _I nod my head and turn to let my gaze brush over the classroom. They're all staring at me, I know, even though about half of them tear their gazes away and pretend to be staring at their work when I meet their gaze. My eyes trail over Tammy - her face is pink with embarrassment - Bryan, who is on my soccer team - his gaze is judgmental, disbelieving - Andrew, a football player - he looks spiteful, amused - Light Yagami - he's pretending he didn't notice my entrance - Misa - she's looking at one of the papers herself, though she looks more jealous than anything - Susan, once one of my "fans" - she's looking at me in disgust.

For a second, my gaze falls on Jade. On her face is an expression I recognize - she's smirking, green eyes twinkling with spite, meeting my eyes without fear - a look that says "I win."

I brush past her on my way to my seat, sliding into it without a word. The person beside me turns out to be Butch - the expression on his face is one of such sick amusement that I almost gag, ugly face twisted into a smirk as he whispered, "Why 'ya late, faggot? Busy with your boyfriend?" I don't reply, pulling my chocolate bar out of my pocket, but in my mind I reply, _I wish._

Mr. Ryuk hesitates for a second, as if wanting to make a comment, but instead hurries back into his lesson. Light peeks at me from where he's sitting, dodging away from Misa's hair-sniffing at the same time; there's concern in his eyes, and I can tell he's fearing what would happen to _him _if this happened. I was going to be made an example of, he could feel it coming - _everyone _could.

I was pretending to be very into taking notes when suddenly something smacks me on the side of the head. I jolt, surprised - I wasn't one to be subjected to bullying on a normal basis - and spin around to glare in the direction of the offense. It's not hard to tell who had thrown the paper - Butch is grinning ear to ear, not even trying to hide it. Several people behind him are snickering, a few girls hiding their faces and trying to pretend to be uninvolved. I scowl, turning to glare at my desk and the newly appointed wad of paper sitting at it's edge. _Don't flick them off, Mihael. Don't explode. Eat your chocolate and ignore them - you ARE the better person._

Taking another snap off of the chocolate bar I swatted the paper ball off of my paper, letting it land with a crunch to the floor and ignoring the chuckles from the people to my left. By this point nobody is really listening to Mr. Ryuk, and my gaze sweeps absently over to the other side of the room.

I recognize a boy named Noel from my soccer team who keeps glancing at me. He's a small kind of boy, with mousy brown hair, thick-framed glasses, and about a million freckles. He's a bit of an outcast and gets picked on a bit, but I've always been on good terms with him. I flash him a smile before looking back towards the class.

Within a few seconds of the gesture, a paper hits my desk again. I glance up to find Noel's head swiveling away; I know immediately he was the one to throw it. I can feel eyes on me as I pick up the paper. At first, I think it's a note. I'm half right - it's only partially a note, only four words.

_GET A LIFE, FAGGOT!_

I crumble the paper in my hands, a streak of anger rushing through me; I find myself whipping around, my resolve broken, setting a deathly glare upon Noel. His face flushes out on eye contact, choking on an 'eep' and looking away; people around him are snickering, but not at him - at _me. _

I turn away, for a moment catching Light in my peripheral vision. He's not looking at me, instead staring at the blackboard, as if I don't even exist at all.

As soon as class is over, I feel the need to bolt. Like prey cornered in a room full of predators, eager to get as far away as possible, as soon as possible.

But I'm not weak, and the tables are not turned, and so while everyone else files out of the room I sift through my things, pretending to be looking for a paper that I already know is in my Biology folder. Knowing full well that Butch is eyeing me from the other side of the room, and that Mr. Ryuk is already leaving the room to head to the other side of the school for his lunch break.

As soon as Mr. Ryuk is gone, I get up. So does Butch.

He meets my eyes, and I glare at him, not picking up my books quite yet. "Just because I'm out of the closet doesn't make me any weaker, Butch. Don't think I won't kick your ass again," I warn him, remembering the afternoon not even a week ago.

Butch pales a bit, but the smirk doesn't falter. "Whatever, faggot," Butch replied, smirking and gathering his own books. I grab my books as well, making a show of taking my sweet time leaving the room, not allowing myself to follow my instincts and bolt when I reach the hallway.

A crowd is waiting for me outside. I can see a million eyes on me, questions and accusations tainting every gaze. I stalk down the hallway towards my locker, trying to act as if I'm not affected by any of this at all - I doubt I'm fooling anybody.

Unexpectantly, a nervous, jumpy girl named Amber is the first to approach me, reaching out and touching my hand just barely. I spin and glare at her at first, surprised by her, but she looks so innocent staring up at me with huge brown eyes that I falter. "What is it?" I ask, knowing exactly what 'it' is before she even speaks.

She clears her throat before replying, averting her gaze to stare at her sneakers, light brown hair falling over her face a bit to hide a nervous smile. "E-erm… I was just wondering if, um… the papers. Are they for real?" she stammered, uncrumpling a paper from her skinny stack of books and holding it out to me. Her arm is trembling slightly, and I can't help but feel a bit guilty for being so mean to her before.

I take a deep breath, trying to picture that I'm talking to Matt instead of this nervous Amber, and that there aren't a million eyes on me, waiting for my answer.

"Yeah, it's true," I replied, surprising myself at how casual my tone is. Her eyes widen a bit, looking up at me with something close to awe. I can't help but flash a smile, out of instinct, flipping my hair over my shoulder and giving her a wink. "Why do you ask?"

It was a bit of a gamble acting like this, I know, but it works out - her face turns a light shade of pink, brown eyes widening largely. Oddly, her smile widens too, almost in a glowing kind of way, pigtails bobbing on the side of her head. "R-really!?"

"Well I'm not _lying._" I scoff, rolling my eyes, but inwardly I'm struggling not to blush.

"Awesome!" she gushed, snatching the paper again and racing away to join a group of giggling girls on the other side of the room. I stare after her. _Awesome? _I can hear whispers circulating around me, knowing that their about me almost automatically, but I just watch the girl run off. Her answer didn't make much sense to me, but there was simply no figuring it out. I was thankful though - _at least someone's supportive._

"Hey, Mello!"

I sigh and spin around, expecting L or Beyond and receiving Abby instead. I sigh.

Abby is notorious for being the gossip-queen of the school. With five-inch heels and a preppy Abercrombie & Fitch style, the constant presence of her two clones, Nikki and Jona, behind her, and her loud mouth, she's easily one of the most popular girls at Wammys; she also happens to know, like, everything about people. She's known for spreading nasty rumors, getting the facts and spreading the lies, dating nearly evey guy in the school (except me), and nagging the hell out of Near for information she can't get from the source.

I meet her eyes, resisting the urge to groan in distain as I say, "What is it, Abigail?"

Abby's face pinches up in irritation - she can't stand being called by her full name, and I know it full well, but I'm not exactly her biggest fan. She manages to keep her fake-smile on though, but with the obvious annoyance tainting the expression she looks like she were being forced to swallow lemon juice. "What, I can't just want a nice conversation?" she tried.

I roll my eyes and brush past her, heading towards my next class; Abby quickly falls into step beside me, the pinched-up smile still on her face. "No, you can't, Abby. What do you want?"

She sighed, reaching into her pocket and pulling out - surprise, surprise - one of the flyers, shaking it out to it's full length. "Fine, we'll do this that way," Abby grumbled, her fake-smile becoming even faker and tighter on her face; she looked vaguely as if she had botox at this point, but she obviously didn't. "So these flyers are for real?"

I'm getting pretty much beyond irritated with explaining myself to people this week. I'd just barely come out to _myself_, and everyone needed to know every detail? But this was Abby we were talking about, and if there was anybody that would spread the facts fast, it was her. Best to just get it over with.

"Well the proper word is _gay,_" I say disheartedly, snatching the flyer from her and crumpling it in my hand. "But yeah, they're real. No idea when the hell they took it, but that's definitely me."

Abby scowls. "Oh. Do you know who--"

"Jade and Ava," I cut her off, stopping down the hall and looking up at the Biology classroom. I still have a few minutes before I need to go in, and ducking into the classroom now won't help - Abby is in my class. The brunette nodded, tapping her lips thoughtfully and looking up at the ceiling, as if it held the answers to her questions instead of me.

"So let me get this straight. You're gay."

"Yeah."

"But you were dating Jade," she continued, slowly. I nodded again.

"She asked me out, so I said yes 'cuz the dance is girl's choice. I didn't even know for sure if I was gay then, anyway. Big deal," I replied, flipping my hair and shrugging. Trying to seem as casual as possible, as if I'm not secretly fighting the urge to hide my face behind my bangs. "Besides, she hit on other guys a bunch when she was with me anyway, so I would have broken up with her soon either way." Before Abby can speak again, I cut in with, "And I broke up with her _before _this picture, so don't even go there."

Abby frowns, glancing over her shoulder at the group of girls chattering behind her, waiting for her to come back with the details. Looking back up at me, she swiped her hair back around her ear, shifting in her heels. "Alrighty then. Who's the guy?"

I blush despite my resolve, averting my gaze. "Matt."

"Matt who?"

"Just Matt - he doesn't go to this school," I replied bluntly, shrugging as if it's not a big deal. Just picturing the redhead makes me blush, though, especially with all these pictures around. To my surprise, Abby smiles a smug smile, spinning on her heels and stalking away.

Because nobody says goodbye anymore.

Biology was torcher.

Not because Biology is hard - it isn't, not for me. But because we had a partner lab.

Let's just say nobody really wanted to be my partner. I don't have anybody in my Biology class that I actually know, but usually some girl asks me to be her partner, or some guy who expects me to do all the work for him. But girl's don't have time to waste their ulterior motives on me anymore, and guys are afraid to come near me. So I ended up having one of those horrid awkward moments where I was sitting around in my desk, trying to make eye-contact with people but not really getting any positive enough reaction to have them be my partner.

I ended up pairing up with _Near._

The partner activity is just a worksheet that we're suppose to fill out. The thing is, Near and I are kind of competitive. So we were both done in about a minute maximum, both furiously scribbling down our answers in effort to come out before the other. The little albino freak is always a lot more subtle about it than I am, but yet he still finishes about two seconds before me.

_Dammit._

Either way it was a group worksheet, though, so we both get the same grade anyway. Still, I'm kind of fuming as I sit there - _second again - _fiddling with my mechanical pencil and trying to pretend that everyone isn't shooting glances at me.

Near is staring at me, twirling his hair as he always does. I glare at him, pulling out a chocolate bar from my back pocket. "What do you want, snowball?" I snapped irately, ripping the wrapper off of the bar with my teeth.

"I hear that you told Abigail about your situation with Mail," he replied bluntly, never one for small talk. Actually, he's never been one for anything but cutting right to the chase - he's not what you'd call "subtle."

I scoffed at him, taking my time replying to him and snapping off another piece of chocolate. I answer only after I've swallowed the piece, shrugging my shoulder. "It's _Matt. _And yeah. News gets around fast."

"Well, this is Abigail we're speaking of," Near replied with a shrug, pulling one of his dolls out of his pocket. I have no idea how he fits all of them in those pockets, but I suspect he has to have secret ones inside his shirt, like those street dealers or something. It's an Abigail doll. He pulls out a second one - a Butch doll.

"I didn't know you made dolls of bullies," I piped up before I can stop myself, bemused by the presence of the ugly little doll. Usually, Near only made dolls of the more intelligent of the school, or ones that have serious relationships in his "problems." Near shrugged.

"It is temporary. When he is not important any longer, I will dispose of him." _Gees. Harsh. _"He has been speaking of beating you up after school hours, you know. In the yard," Near told me bluntly, as usual, twisting the head of the Butch doll to the left at what looks to be a rather uncomfortable angle. I take another bite of the bar, averting my eyes from the toy and looking at the clock.

"Well, I'm not worried. I'll just kick his ass," I replied, shrugging.

"Unless," Near adds, twisting his hair again. "He cheats."

I have no reply for that, just staring at the clock as the time ticks away. Thinking about Butch and how stupid he was. Trying not to notice how everyone was shooting me looks. Attempting to act carefree.

Wanting more than anything to be home with Matt.

Lunch was strangely normal. I'm not sure if it was forced, simply a ploy to make everything better, because everyone was too caught up in their own problems, or if everyone was really that uncaring about the predicament I was in, but it made me feel a bit better.

L was plowing into his cake even hastier than usual, seeming to be taking out his stressed-out mood out on the pastry and getting a good amount of icing on his face. Light was, as usual, sitting beside him, a bemused look on his face as he crunched on some Pringles. Misa was beside him, as always, clinging to his arm and chattering on about something Takada had said. Matsuda was listening to Misa with earnest, though he looked lost as any of us. Gevanni was missing - I found out quickly that he was absent. Near was staring straight ahead, for one reason or another not eating anything. A was eating a sandwich that apparently had jam on it, because B kept leaning over and licking and/or kissing the substance off of the other boy's face. A always squealed in displeasure, but it was actually quite entertaining to watch, if not a bit embarrassing. I was pigging out on brownies, as usual - I had gotten an apple as well, but Mr. Ryuk was on lunch duty and had traded me a pudding cup for it.

"Beyond, stop that," A was whispering, trying half-heartedly to push the dark-haired boy away and avoid having his cheeks "cleaned", hands pushing him backwards, one hand over B's mouth; Beyond only chuckled and wiped it off with his hand instead, licking his fingers with a happy light in his red eyes. Matsuda shivered, shaking his head.

"I think I'm going to be sick if you guys don't stop being all lovey," Matsuda informed them, scowling. "You guys are worse than Abby and Drew were, before the breakup." _Oh, that HAD been bad,_ I thought, remembering how Abigail had practically worshipped him for the three weeks they were together.

Light smiled, mischief in his eyes as he looked over at me - I knew what was coming before he said it. "Just wait till you guys meet _Matt._ That boy is _whipped_."

"HEY!" I cried, grabbing a slice of orange from Near's plate and chucking it at his head in disapproval. He laughs and dodges away; it ends up hitting some kid at the next table, who shouts in surprise but doesn't trace the source back to me. "He is not _whipped_, he's just…" I pause, thinking about how he carried me around and cooked me food all day, then sigh. "Okay, he's pretty whipped, but it's not like I slept with him or anything." (It wasn't a lie - blow jobs tottaly don't count, and that happened _after _the "whipped" attitude.)

"You _didn't_?" A squeaked in surprise, blinking. I'm about to ask why he's so surprised when Matsuda starts to laugh.

"He was pretty dedicated, I'll give you that. Did you guys catch the way he had his arm around Mello's waist?" Matsuda asked in a cheerful tone, chuckling. I feel a blush come to my cheeks, glaring at the dark haired boy.

L frowns, tapping his finger to his mouth thoughtfully. "Who is the _uke _in the situation?" he asked quizzically, his tone so casual it's almost as if he thinks this is the most normal question in the universe. My face grows hot, and I know my face is probably red.

"Obviously it's Mello," Beyond spoke up, shaking his head. "Did you not see the print-outs?"

"Misa-Misa doesn't understand. What's an uke?" Misa spoke up in a stupid tone, a pout on her lips.

"_Can we stop talking about my sex life!?"_ I practically screech, throwing my hands up in irritation. Light is smirking now, but everyone falls silent on the topic; beside me, Near yawns.

"Okay, so enough about Mello," Misa speaks up helpfully, giggling and shaking her head. "Is everyone going to the dance?"

_Oh, right. _I had almost forgotten about the actual event, that was happening this Friday. _Looks like I won't have to worry about girls asking me out now, huh?_

"I am!" Matsuda announced, flashing a cheerful smile. "I always go."

"A and I are coming," Beyond informs us, taking a bite of his sandwich. A nods in approval, scooting a bit closer to B - he's practically on his lap now, and it's kind of a wonder that they don't fall over.

"I'm not sure if I'm going to attend, I may be busy," L mused, looking back down at his mostly eaten cake.

The real reason he's not going is quickly obvious as Misa's grin spreads across her face, arms hooking around Light's excitedly. "Misa Misa is going with her boyfriend," she gushed, hugging the circulation out of Light's arm. "She's so lucky to have a date! Hee hee!"

Light's face paled a bit, but he managed to keep the fake smile on his face. "Yeah… right…" he said half heartedly, averting his gaze sideways in what appears to be humiliation. L scowls, but the expression is gone almost immediately, replaced by the usual blank stare.

I'm not sure if I'm attending, not after the break up with Jade. It's not like I would have anyone to go _with - _well, except Matt. But I could only imagine how awkward that situation would be. I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to invite people from other schools at all. And could a guy choose at a girl's choice dance…?

Thankfully, nobody turns their attention to me, instead cutting of into their own little private conversations as usual. I look down at my chocolate pudding cup, coming up with naught to say. Picturing, if only for a second, how fun it would be to dance with Matt at the Spring Fling - if only people would just accept, and let the smiles outweigh the scowls.

_If only the world could see it the way we did. _

_**A/N: Hooray! …yeah, everyone's a bitch in this XD oh well. I don't really like this chapter much… : / sorry this sucks. TT_TT I'll make the ****next chapter better, I promise. **_


	21. Chapter 21

The rest of the day wasn't all that exciting, full of nothing but apprehensiveness.

In case you were curious, though, _some _things happened. Ava shot hell-sent glares at me all through Honors English, as if I'd done some terrible thing to her. Beyond and A made out in the middle of the hallway for absolutely no reason, though I'm pretty sure some of it was a statement, since afterwards B pumped his arms in the air and shouted "HOMOSEXUALITY!" at the top of his lungs; A blushed and hid his face in B's shirt when half of the observers cheered, and the other half groaned. Both of them got a lunch detention. More papers were discovered in the girl's restroom, and we had to send Weddy to retrieve them. I lost my position on The Hottie List, but surprisingly enough I ended up at place 6 - apparently I'm still sexier than Andrew. The rumor that I was a prostitute was quickly ended when Linda asked how much I cost, and ended up having her hand 'accidentally' smashed underneath my books. Misa informed me that half of my "fan club" converted into something called a "yaoi clan" - I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds kind of scary. Mr. Roger announced that there was going to be an anti-bullying and acceptance assembly in the gym on Wednesday, which I assumed was in response to The Papers though they didn't come out and say it. More people ran up to me for confirmation, and all of them got it, though it was getting annoying now.

But overall, nothing that important. Really, what I was the most worried about was what would happen after school. That's when things tended to edge onto the more violent side of things, when the rumors settled into the background and people went at each other's throats for everything on their minds - you'd be surprised how violent a school of geniuses tends to be. Sometimes being that smart makes you kind of messed up.

So I was apprehensive when I slunk into last period Computer class, settling into my seat and booting up my computer, which - for once - complied to my wishes. I had already finished the PowerPoint we were supposedly working on - actually, so had the majority of the class, but the computer teacher's extremely lazy and ended up just giving us the due date to be this Friday, even though we were all done _last _Friday. So instead of working on that I logged on to my instant messenger, bored out of my mind.

I had six offline messages, and as soon as I opened them, I smiled.

**Matt: HEY! You're in class rite now, probably, but I hav free period so ya I'm messaging u from my ipod touch ;D**

**Matt: I am soooo bored. Did you tell every1 yet? :-/ good luck, Mells!**

**Matt: Geez o petes, people are retarted. Jake just asked me "how gay relationships work". Is there a For-Dummys book on that…?**

**Matt: Now that I think about it, I kind of hope there isn't.**

**Matt: Well, email me back or whatever ^^ Love you! …okay, that was cliché. What is this, a honeymoon phase? T////T Just… don't get beat up or something. Not that you would. XD Um. Seee you after skool, kk? **

I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the delighted little grin off my face. After everything that had been happening at school today, it was a great feeling to get a friendly message from someone; admittedly, the fact that it was Matt made it a good ten times better. I was about to message him back when reality decided to poke me in the shoulder blade.

"Hey, Freak. E-mailing your _boyfriend?_"

I sigh - I've been doing that a lot today - and turn to look over my shoulder, keeping the death glare on my face even though inwardly I'm bored out of my mind with the topic. Triston - who else? - is leaning over his desk, a smirk on his pretty-boy face.

I decide to smirk back, flashing him a cheeky smile and swiveling around in my chair, straddling the back of my chair. "Yep," I reply truthfully, keeping my voice steady and casual. Triston's amber eyes flash with surprise behind his dark bangs, his smirk faltering into something resembling a pout. My smirk widens. "What's it to yah, pretty-boy? Jealous?"

Triston's face light's up, and I know I've pressed his buttons a bit too much. His face twists into a snarl, glaring at me angrily, but I can tell even through the fury that he's flustered. "Why the fuck would I be jealous, I'm not a _gay_ like _you,_" he growled. He said "gay" like one might say "dog shit".

My smirk falters into a tiny little smile, kicking my leg around the chair and sitting back into my normal position, glancing over at the screen and disregarding him with a shrug. "Never said that you were."

"Fuck you…" Triston muttered behind him, but I'm not paying attention anymore - there's a message on my screen. It's from Halle.

**Hal: I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you about… **_**The Papers…. **_**r u ok?**

I sigh. I'd heard that drawl a million times already - "Are you okay? Is it true? Oh my gosh lordy, tell me all your secrets!" - but I still needed to tell Halle. I mean, it was _Halle._

I pause for a second, though, fingers lingering over the keys. _Are you okay? _Did I know the answer to that? What was the definition for "okay"? Did I fit the definition? The questions linger in my mind, bumping into images. Bad ones - Gabriel, my mom, The Papers, Jade, Ava, Triston, Butch, cutting - but then good ones - my friends, Leon, chocolate, that Amber girl, _Matt. _

**Mello: I'm fine. **

Her reply is almost instant - she's a fast typer, unlike me.

**Hal: R u sure?**

**Mello: Yeah… it's not so bad, I guess. I mean, it could be worse. **

**Hal: Ok… ^^'**

**Mello: …**

**Hal: XDD This is off topic (kind of) but there's a good number of girls who cut the picture off The Papers and taped them in their lockers. You seriously have a "Yaoi Clan" if that makes you feel any better (which it wouldn't.)**

My breath hitched. _Oh. YAOI. _So that's where I've heard that word before… I sighed. Well, it was better than being totally rejected… probably. I shiver - that moment was suppose to be _private. _Then again, them keeping it in their lockers wouldn't exactly make it any LESS private - the entire school already saw.

Class is over before I know it. Halle is working on some World History paper, so she stops messaging me, and I reside in going through Google Image searches for Godiva chocolate cakes and Johnny Depp. After class I dart. I don't really want to talk to Halle and I certainly don't want to stay and chat with Triston; making a beeline for my locker I shrug through hoards of children headed in the opposite direction, all trying to head for their lockers and busses as soon as they can.

There are days when I'm really glad I have a ride home.

But I can't be worrying about going home, not quite yet. Because if Near's right - which, annoyingly enough, he usually is - I have some bullies to be taking care of. Letting out an angry little sigh I throw open my locker, dump the majority of my stuff into my backpack, throw it over my shoulder, and slam it shut. For once, I'm in a haste to get out of the school - I have somewhere to actually _go_ after school. Plus I want to get away from the pestering people who are surely going to bother me for weeks now.

Hurrying down the hallway I stretch as usual, my back already hurting from my too-heavy backpack. With strange normality a small cluster of anime-nerd looking girls all sigh in unison, hiding behind their backwards-books and giggling about something or another. I roll my eyes and escape through the door - there's nothing I can say to make girls completely ignore me, is there?

Just as I'm contemplating this I notice something a lot more bothersome than admiring girls - there was Butch, undoubtedly waiting for me. He was standing there at the bottom of the school's steps, an ugly smile on his face.

I sighed, pausing at the doorway to let my eyes sweep over the schoolyard. Matt's car isn't in the lot yet that I can see. Light, L, and Misa are standing out beside Light's car. There's a group of giggling girls to my left. A few obnoxious looking boys eyeing me and Butch, obviously sensing the coming confrontation. My eyes linger on Jade from across the lot - she's staring right at me, her gaze nothing but disgust.

Tearing my eyes away from her, I looked back at Butch. His nasty smile has vanished, replaced by a scowl; he knows I'm stalling. The fact was, I'm far from being in the mood for a fight - I just want to go home and try to get over my shellshock. I can still feel the indentation of crumpled papers in my pockets, not yet thrown into the recycling bin.

_Why does this have to be ME? Why are people such assholes? I'm so not in the mood for a fight, though… have I gone soft or something?_

"Hey, fag-boy! You gonna just sit up there all day, or are you going to come down here?" Butch calls, shaking me from my blank state. Oh, right, Butch. I sigh, irritated again. No, I have _not _gone soft, I decide, flipping my hair over my shoulder and stalking my way down the stairs.

"No, asshole, I was just startled - you should really stop getting uglier," I retort, shaking my head with a sarcastic smile in his direction. He glares at me, nose scrunching in annoyance.

"Look, fag-boy--"

"My name's Mello," I cut him off, glaring at him. _Sheesh, I'm going to start responding to that before long… _Butch glared at me, looking irritated. He seemed to have forgotten that he couldn't just push me around; not that much had changed just because of some horrible gossip and come outs.

Apparently he's out of comebacks because, after a quick sweeping gaze to check if the coast is clear, he throws a punch towards me. I'm not startled, simply ducking out of the way - as soon as the punch is thrown, though, a crowd of people immediately turns their heads to watch.

"Hmm, nice swing," I mutter, dodging a second punch. I'm surprised how slow he is - he's usually at least a little bit of a better fight than this. Oh well. I grab his arm in the rebound, jerking it forward and sending him flying forwards and past me, stumbling over his own feet.

I'm about to spin around and roundhouse kick him when I feel the blow to my back.

"Fuck it!" I shout outwardly, shocked by the sudden impact on my back, hard and solid. I fall forwards, throwing my hands out to catch myself, luckily managing to kick my leg out in front of me and catch myself, but I still end up skidding and falling on my butt. When I look up, above me is Bryan.

He was never one that I expected to be attacking me, never once. We weren't friends, exactly, but he was on my soccer team, the goalie. He was pretty sturdy and big, but not big enough to be considered "menacing" really. Sandy blonde hair, dark brown eyes, crooked smile - we'd had good fun on the team together, even if we'd never been close. We'd goofed off and had fake-tussles and practiced for hours together.

"Bryan!?" I demand angrily, eyes widening in shock.

His dark brown eyes, the same ones that sparkled with amusement when making a perverted joke in the locker room just weeks before, narrow in a look that could only be described as rage. "Shut the fuck up," he hissed, "Faggot."

Alrighty then.

_Now_ I was angry.

Getting to my feet before he can strike again, I clentch my fists at my sides.. He doesn't reply, simply snapping forward to smack me across the face; I dodge just barely, his hand skimming my hair as I do. I waste no time darting forward myself, slamming both fists into his stomach.

I feel no sympathy whatsoever as he cries out in surprise, hands flinging forward as if to strike back, but I'm already slipping around him. I notice Butch getting to his feet behind me, but I choose to ignore him, sending a roundhouse kick to Bryan's side. The strike is clean and powerful, mercilessly so, and the boy I would have called a friend not hours before cries out and falters, falling to the left.

When I spin around, a strange sense of de ja vu falls over me.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

I hear the crowd start up the usual cheer, but as Butch rises to his feet and comes at me again I realize it's quieter than usual. Much of it is whispers - uncertain, still gossiping, not sure who to root for. Butch punches me in the shoulder; I knee him in the stomach. The pain I feel in my shoulder is almost nothing compared to what I feel on a regular basis, so I recover quickly; he stumbled to the side, making some unpronounceable curse word under his breath before throwing himself at me again.

I dodged to the side, letting a smirk fall over my face as he missed, sending a chop with the side of my hand over the side of his head. I barely cuff him, but the face he makes is pretty funny.

It's even funnier when I roundhouse kick him in the crotch.

(He's going to have trouble having children someday, I'll give you that.)

Butch is down within a few seconds, yelling that he's 'going to get me for this' like he usually does. Normally I'd tackle him to the ground and demand he shut the hell up, but Bryan is on his feet again, dark brown eyes threatening, furious, and a little humiliated.

"Are we really doing this, Bry?" I tried as gently as possible, raising an eyebrow at him, moving my hands out Jesus-style. Holding back the urge to just kick his ass without attempt. Trying to make him remember that we weren't enemies, and that he had no reason to hate me except that it was publicly accepted.

Apparently we _were _really doing this, though, because Bryan ignores my attempt, throwing himself at me. He's never been a good fighter, but he's a lot bigger than I remembered, and I loose my footing. I'm on my butt in minutes, and he's on top of me, throwing my shoulders to the pavement below us.

"You fucking liar," Bryan hissed, fingernails digging into my shoulders. Struggle to free my arms, but he has me pinned, knees on my shoulders, sitting on my chest; I feel constricted. I try to reply, but he's already yelling at me, "All those years in the locker rooms, the showers… what the hell were you really thinking?! You didn't even tell any of us…. you fucking fag, you probably _like _this!"

I'm temporarily reminded of Gabriel, the pressure on my arms and chest… but I force the thoughts away. Force all the pitiful emotions out of me, choking out a retort. "Don't flatter yourself, Bryan," I snapped.

And then, on a first-instinct basis, jerk my head forward and head butt him, right in the skull.

It hurts me, too, but it turns to be worth it, since Bryan howls in surprise and jerks backwards, far enough for me to curl my feet into my chest and shove him backwards, sending him off of me. Bryan fumbled to catch his footing but failed, falling onto his butt.

I scoot backwards, shaking slightly with anger. What the _fuck _was this? Previously I had told myself I didn't care, and everyone was acting pretty alright about it, minus the expected scowls. But then again, what else did I expect? _Acceptance? _This is high school. Nobody just _accepts._

I'm on my feet before Bryan can be, but he doesn't look ready to get up anytime soon, holding his head and cursing under his breath. My foreheads' probably bruise, but it's basically nothing.

I should have just left it at that, but I don't. I feel a fog come over my mind, but not the kind I had when I was with Matt - this is a different fog, covering up not only the nervous side of me but the sympathetic side, letting all the fury come through without mercy. Stalking forward I grab him by his hair, my fingers tangling in the mass of sandy blonde as I jerk him upwards. He screeches in surprise, jerking angrily, but I plow my fist into his stomach, taking the breath out of him along with his fight.

Narrowing my eyes I leaned downwards, meeting his gaze. For a moment, I feel bad - there's humiliation in his eyes, fear too. But the other side of me, the sick part of me that I thought might have faded, if only a little, doesn't give two shits about that. Behind that fear I know there will always be that hate that I saw before.

All I see in Bryan now is a traitor.

My grip on his hair tightens. "Don't you fucking mess with me, Bryan," I whisper coldly, grabbing his wrist and digging my nails into the flesh there. He squeaks but doesn't reply, refusing to meet my eyes; I jerk on his hair again, trying to hold down the urge to pummel him. "Don't even act like you know how I am, because you don't. No god dammed forced sexuality announcement is going to make you better than me, or change the facts about me. You don't know a damn thing. Understand?"

He nodded, just barely, and I can see tears in his eyes. "Y-yeah…" he whispered, sounding frightened. If I had seen my own face, I would have been, too. Satisfied by the reaction I release his wrist, throwing him back to the ground by his hair. He yelps as he makes impact with the ground, but I ignore him, stepping back with a merciless smirk coming onto my face without even thinking about it.

_I win._

Standing up now, I realize everyone has gone hushed, staring at me with wide eyes. There are whispers that I can't quite catch, but even without hearing them I know their talking about me. I didn't realize it then, but at that moment I looked pretty scary, hair a tangled mess because of the fight, panting and clenching my fists, glaring at Bryan, at Butch, at everyone who dared take a glance my way.

"So?" I called, angrily, glaring at the crowd that's watching. My eyes fall on Jade without meaning to - she pales when I meet her gaze. "What are you waiting for? You want to be part of this? No? Shows over, get the _hell out_!" My voice is high and demanding, and I surprise myself at how furious I sound.

The crowd obeys without delay, though the whispers continue as they scatter, heading for their rides home or to their after school activities. Bryan leaps to his feet, finally, but he doesn't even glance at me, keeping his eyes on the ground - he's blushing, and I'm fairly sure he's humiliated. My grin grows wider - _good._

"_Mihael, you monster."_

I turn away from him, my eyes grazing the crowd for Butch. He's already gone, though, departed to wherever bullies go after school. Good, then - I take a chocolate bar out of my pocket and rip it open, with my teeth as usual, and depart as well. I still have sick satisfaction swelling within me, the adrenaline of the fight pumping through me. I know I shouldn't feel good about winning a fight, in a cruel fashion at that. But…

I sit down on the bench placed right on the edge of the sidewalk, waiting for the familiar red car that I know is coming. The joy I was feeling at his imminent coming here was gone, though; all I felt was the menace. The fog was starting to depart from my mind, and I realized, sitting there, scanning the parking lot for Matt: I was scared.

"_Mihael, leave me alone!" The voice was high pitched and pleading, a wail so high pitched it hurt my ears, but I ignored it, continuing what I was doing. Which happened to be pinning my nine year old cousin to the ground, pulling on her tangly red pigtails. There were tears in her big brown eyes, her freckled face twisted in childish terror._

_I jerked on her left pigtail again, a scowl appearing on my face. "Tell me where Gabe is! Do it!" I demanded, my eight year old voice rising in anger. "Darn it, Nancy, tell me!"_

"_N-no!" Nancy cried, squirming. "I don't know, I told you!" I didn't believe her -she had to know, Gabriel told Nancy everything. He told Nancy everything, even things that _I _didn't know. It wasn't fair._

"_Don't play dumb - I saw him tell you," I hissed, pulling her hair again. I wasn't tugging hard, really - I couldn't have even if I wanted to, I was only eight years old. The same angry adrenaline, not quite as strong as it had grown in later years, was pounding through me at her gaze, which was twisted in fear and desperation. _

"_No! Get off, please!" Nancy screamed, pushing her little hands on my chest in effort to get me off. I groaned angrily, only moving a bit, but release her hair, sitting on her stomach and glaring at her. She glared at me, a little, baby-face glare. "Mihael, if you don't get off of me, I'm telling your mommy!"_

"_I don't care if you tell her," I tell her truthfully. "Mother hates me anyways, so what do I care if you give her just one more reason? She's crazy.""Auntie Mary isn't crazy!" Nancy cried, squirming in attempt to get me off of her. When that didn't work, she glared at me, a smirk on her small features, a look of young contempt. "You really ARE a demon like they all say, if you can say such mean things about your own mom, huh?"I flinched - I knew that her father, Uncle Bill, had told her that; still, it stung a great lot. So I did the first thing that came to my mind. I punched her in the nose._

_Her scream shattered the room, and my mother came running, heels clicking on the hardwood floor as she did. But I ignored it, my eyes trained on the blood as it trickled from little Nancy's nose, watching the scarlet liquid as it streamed down to her cheek to meet with the falling tears, and I felt no sympathy…_

"_You're a monster after all, aren't you, Mihael?"_

_**A/N: This chapter was originally a lot longer, and had the second chapter along with it, but… it totally changed moods, and it was getting on my nerves, so I split it. Sorry if this chapter sucks…And it's SHORT. Again. T_T the next one sucks too. BAW. I need to take a break from this, I think, but I know people (Luna) will kill me (Luna) if I do (Luna) and I'm not (Luna) pointing fingers (Luna) at Luna (Luna) but I'll definitely be in trouble with SOMEONE (Luna) if I pause for too long (Luna). So please bare with me with a few fill-in chapters, the important stuff WILL COME. I swear. :C It was suppose to come in this chapter, but then… this happened. :P Ignore Nancy, she's not important, she's just a cousin. Does everyone remember Uncle Bill? Check chapter one if you don't. He's ttly my favorite character LUL (NOT.) Okay, so forgive me for this increasingly filler-y chapter, I just needed 2 make it clear that not everyone was hunky-dory with Mello's gay-ness. So yeah. :P Bryan's not actually that important, so don't let him influence you too much XD **_


	22. Chapter 22

"Oi! Mello!"

I flinched, looking up with wide eyes, jerked violently out of the memory I had been having. Nancy retreated from my mind, replaced with the reality that was before me once again.

My hands were shaking.

The voice comes from Matt, who's currently pulled up nearby in his car, giving me a weird look from the window. "You fall asleep or something?" he called teasingly, laughing. I smile, unable to help myself - his laugh is just addicting like that. Hopping to my feet, I hurry towards the car.

I'm only dimly aware that people are staring at me as I slip into the passenger seat, the smile retreating from my face as I relax into the leather seating of the vehicle. To my surprise, Matt's laughing grin dissipates as well, replaced by a somber, lopsided little smile that looks a bit pained.

"How was school?" Matt asks after a second, starting the car again. I fidget in my seat, shrugging. I don't really want to tell him about the pictures, but I kind of have to.

"Not so great," I mutter, slipping my hand into the pocket of my black cargo pants - which I had forgotten I was wearing - and pulling out one of the crumpled papers. Matt glances over at me, raising his eyebrows as I hand it to him.

He blinked and took it with one hand, driving out of the parking lot with the other - I was through with being impressed with his driving, but it was rather unorthodox that he could drive, all while uncoupling the paper, reading it, and staring at he picture. All while he gasped in shock, all the blood rushing from his face until he was pale as a ghost.

"Yeah. I know." I mutter, turning and glaring out the window as we pulled away from the school. It occurred to me as we did that I hadn't even said a single word to Jade, not directly - I'd glared at her, and she'd glared at me, but… had anyone really won this battle? _Of course not. Nobody ever wins a breakup game._

"Wow. I don't know what to say," Matt whispers after I tell him the story. I leave out the part with the fight - I don't want to tell him about that. Don't want to tell him about that at all, the way I'd acted; I leave out the part with L, too, since that seems too intimate a moment to share; a moment when I had felt so… weak. So I leave those two parts out - the moment of weakness, and the moment of sick, demonic pleasure.

"Just don't say anything," I reply quietly, leaning back in the chair to look out the open sunroof, watching the sky fly by through the little window for a moment. It didn't look quite as blue as usual. "I don't want to talk about it."

"That bad?" Matt asks sympathetically, then catches himself and shakes his head, training his eyes on the street with a frown. "Sorry. Okay. How are you otherwise?""I'm…" I pause, thinking of the right word to describe what I was feeling. Confused? Angry? Sad? Numb? "Exhausted," I decide quietly, shaking my head. I yawn, as if on cue, and Matt chuckles humorously in response.

"Too exhausted for chocolate?" he asks, peering at me and pulling out a bar of Godiva from his pocket. I don't bother replying, snatching it out of his hands and ripping open, shoving it into my mouth with relish. Matt laughed for real this time, shaking his head. "Didn't think so."

We get home without much talking, turning on the radio and listening to some Justin Timberlake song that I half-recognize. I don't fully realize how tired I am until we're in sight of the apartment building, leaning my head on the side window with a sigh. It really hadn't been a bad day, relative to my other _bad _days, but my body seemed to disagree, barely finding the energy to pull myself out of the car and follow Matt into the building.

"You wanting to take a nap when we get upstairs?" he suggests pleasantly, peering at me. I shake my head - I was tired, but I knew I'd never be able to fall asleep. I still had actual school_work _to do - assignments don't stop for quarter-life crisis's no matter how major they are.

I end up flopping face first into the ugly yellow couch despite my words, though, groaning into the matching ugly pillow. Feeling very much like a chick flick, I scream into it, letting out all my frustration vocally.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"_

Matt laughs from above me, causing me to blush, but it doesn't stop my screaming, nor does it stop me from pounding my fists into the coushin in annoyance.

"You pillow-abuser," Matt teases, rolling his eyes and falling backwards over the back of the couch, so that he's upsidown, back resting on the seat of the couch beside me. With one last final punch to the coushin I look down at him. He's grinning at me, goggles pushed up to the top of his head, green eyes bright with amusement.

"It's not funny," I pout, elbowing him in the stomach lightly. He laughs anyway, shaking his head.

"You're such a drama queen," Matt teased, earning him a smack in the face with the abused pillow. He gasped in surprise, struggling to bat the pillow away, but only succeeding in sliding off the couch with a thump and a yell of: "oh dammit!"

I smirk at him, tossing the pillow down after him. It lands on his stomach.

Matt glared at me, but the gesture is half hearted, thrown off by the giddiness reflected in his eyes and the playful pout on his lips. "You're so mean," he pouted from his place laying on the hardwood floor, crossing his arms over his chest in a stubborn fashion.

"I'm not _mean_," I argue, rolling my eyes. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I _am,_ but I know he's teasing me. He sticks his tongue out at me, still laying on the floor and not looking like he's planning on getting up any time soon.

"Are too," he countered teasingly, shaking his head dramatically. "I pick you up from school and buy you expensive chocolate, and I get a thank you of a pillow in the face." When I wince, he grins at me, adding, "And I didn't even get a kiss this morning.""So _that's _what you want!" I accuse, glaring at him. I know the glare doesn't meet my eyes, though, and I feel my cheeks heating up slightly. Matt grinned widely at me, green eyes dancing happily.

"I'm a guy, what can I say? I like my good morning kisses," Matt replied teasingly, shrugging his shoulders. I roll my eyes, slipping off of the couch to stand above him, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" I told him, hands on my hips as I do. Matt pouted again, averting his gaze in an overly-dramatic fashion.

"Humph."

I grinned and crouched down beside him while he wasn't looking, worming my way to sit at his side. I swoop down on him before he has the chance to spot the movement, catching his surprised noise with a kiss.

The kiss is short and quick and awkward, but it still makes my heart leap before I pull away from him; his face is blushing with surprise, but he's grinning toothily at me.

"Good afternoon to you, too, then," Matt replied simply, and I can't help but laugh, shaking my head at his attempt at humor.

"Don't think that's going to turn into a regular thing," I warned him, getting to my feet. Matt only continued to laugh, and I can tell he doesn't believe me any more than I believe myself. I'd just come out to being gay and I was already jumping at every chance I had to get a piece of Mail Jeevas. I had a feeling, deep inside, that he knew it, too.

Actually, I didn't have to look very deep at all. The knowing was pretty shallow, especially since Matt got to his feet almost immediately after I told him this, swept his arm around my hips, and returned his lips to their spot on mine.

I had to fight the urge to squeak in surprise, freezing for a second as his lips pushed against mine, gentle yet demanding. After a moment of hesitation, though, I kissed him back, closing my eyes and allowing myself to melt against him.

"_You faggot." _the voice in my head whispers. I know it's my brother, but I shove it away, banishing it from my mind and squeezing my eyes tighter shut.

"Hmmm…" Matt hummed into the kiss, causing me to feel the vibrations of his voice on my lips. I groaned without meaning to, opening my mouth as I did; coincidently, this led Matt to lean forward, deepening the kiss, tongue taking advantage of the entrance to my mouth. In the overwhelming heat of the moment, I almost didn't notice his hands sliding across my neck, the tremulous way his fingers brushed through my hair - _almost. _But I didn't mind, because I was kissing him back, him taking my breath away, me hoping that I was taking his too, tangling my fingers in his own red hair. I knew I was pulling on it too hard, but the more I pulled the harder Matt seemed to kiss me, like the pull string on a motor only a million times more satisfying.

Suddenly Matt broke off the kiss, making me hiss with unsatisfaction, but the hiss was quickly cut off to be replaced with a moan when the kiss turned out not to be over, instead moving to the crook of my neck. _How had the teasing turn into a heated makeout? _A tiny part of me wondered while the rest of me was melting, my leg shooting out on instinct and swinging around his leg, pulling him closer like so. Matt smirked against my neck, and I felt his breathy whisper on my skin: "I love you."For some reason, despite the intimacy of that moment, I found myself giggling, hopping on my one free foot and throwing it around his waist as well, so that he was completely holding me up. Matt gasped in surprise, not expecting the weight to be thrown on him, and therefore falling forwards and collapsing us both onto the couch, me pinned beneath him; both of us were laughing like maniacs now. I wasn't sad that the intimacy was tainted with giddiness though - because really, what's serious about intimacy? I'll tell you: not much.

I was just realizing how compromising a position we were in - him crouched above me, me with my legs around his waist, pinned down beneath him - when his lips come crashing down on mine again. For a second the kiss is awkward, his teeth clicking against mine in a semi-painful manner, but then my lips are parted by his and I'm deep into the kiss all over again, heart pounding in my ears as his hands find their way under my top. My brain pretty much has a spaz attack hen it realizes I don't care.

"Ahh…" I gasp, breaking off the kiss and leaning my head back, gasping for the forgotten but necessary oxygen. Matt chuckles a bit, his lips finding a new place to kiss, which happens to be the nape of my neck. I groaned, squirming underneath him - his lips are so warm, and I feel fuzziness go through me at the touch.

"And to think just days ago you were 'straight'" Matt teased under his breath, chuckling. I squeak in protest, glaring at him for ruining my moment with his comment, but I don't have time to make a retort, because his hands are pushing my top up over my chest.

I don't fight him, going limp in his arms. I can hear a voice in the back of my head, screaming for me to fight and yell, but I manage to ignore it as the black cloth comes over my head, leaving me shirtless. This really shouldn't be a big deal, I know, considering my obvious guy-hood, but I still feel exposed for a split second, panic splashing through me as my eyes dart up to look at him. I'm surprised at how soft his face is, expression completely delicate and gentle; his green eyes are the opposite of what I came to expect (expectations can be thanked towards Gabriel), not smoldering but instead soft and velvety, the emerald green beauties meeting my eyes glowing with affection. He's staring me right in the eyes, as if scared to ruin my modesty by looking at my chest or something. Matt is looking completely and utterly convincing.

At least, convincing enough for me to toss my shame out the window and throw my arms around his neck, crushing my lips against his again and digging my nails into the back of his neck. He gasps into the kiss a the contact of my fingernails, but it's a satisfying sound.

I recognize and welcome the fog as it inches back into my mind, blocking out the nervous, panicky, abused Mihael in the back of my mind, letting the lusty feeling in me take over for a while. Letting myself enjoy everything.

Matt's hands somehow find themselves to my chest, and I find his fingers fiddling with my nipples. Previously, I thought that it was only girls who would get pleasure out of this, but quite apparently I was very, very wrong. My heart leapt to my throat, a groan escaping in response. Matt smirks into the kiss, and if I wasn't pressed against him I would have seen his dimples reappear.

"God you're so unpredictable," Matt whispered warmly, hands sliding down my chest to graze my abs. I smile to hide my wince, because I know it's true, and let myself go limp against the couch again as his hands explore my chest and stomach, breath quickening uncontrollably, heart threatening to burst from my chest. It's pounding so loudly, I wonder if he can hear it. The suspicion that he can only heightens when his lips replace his hands, kissing along the same trail his hands took, leaving a trial of tingling fire in their wake.

_Why had I run away before? What held me back before? What made me push him away? I… lo…..like him…. a lot… _

"Matt…" I choke out, feeling heat come to my face. The word isn't a warning nor a signal to stop, but he halts immediately at the call, lips lingering over my shoulder blade as his green orbs of eyes darted upwards to meet mine, wide and apprehensive. He doesn't reply, but I know that he's thinking of the last time we had been this intimate - actually, _less _intimate than this - and fearing it like I am. But the panic hadn't come, and the adrenaline in my veins is pumping faster than even before, even faster than in the schoolyard this afternoon. I don't think of anything but those green orbs, about that red hair, about what may or may not be underneath that baggy black and white shirt of his.

"Okay," I whisper again, sliding away - he whimpers in disapproval, but doesn't try to stop me. I only depart for a second, though, to slide into a better position, a familiar placement between his legs, keeping eye contact with him the entire time. As soon as he realizes I'm not leaving my spot he smiles, hands returning to rest on my bare back.

Taking action on my curiosity I let my hands slip under his shirt, feeling along the smooth skin there. He's extremely warm, but that's not what I notice first - first I notice how _muscular _he is. It's kind of shocking, since as far as I know all he does is play video games all day, and yet here he is, solid and impeccable under my touches. He grins as he watches my eyes widen, and I realize he's paused to watch my reaction as my fingers brush along his abs, his shoulder blades, his everything under that damned striped shirt.

"You're so cute," Matt chuckled, and I feel my blush heat even further on my cheeks, sending him a pout. He only grins further, dipping forward again to press his lips on mine. In this action his legs simultaneously curl around me, squeezing around my hips, as if trapping me there. I don't mind being "trapped" though, opening my lips without request, letting him explore every inch of my mouth. In the back of my mind, I realize I've lost count of how many times we've kissed. _I wonder if he counted?_

The thought is lost to me almost as soon as it comes into my mind, though, stolen by the pressure of his hands sliding down my back, making their way to rest on their destination. Said destination turned out to be my ass, fingers brushing the top of my pants, but I don't let it bother me despite the pounding in my chest, willing the "fog" to stay put.

For some reason I find myself digging my fingernails into his shoulder blade, deep and hard enough to probably leave half-moon marks there later. He shivers in response, breaking off the kiss to take in a hiss of breath. For a second, I see pain flicker in his eyes in the hazy moment when our gazes meet, but it's overpowered by the satisfaction in his gaze, his lips brushing mine again. This kiss lasts only moments, though, trailing down my face and to my neck, hands - still on my butt - dragging me gently forward until our hips are within brushing-distance.

"Matt…" I whisper breathily, partially because it's involuntary and partially because it gets a hum of satisfaction from the redhead currently working a hickey on my shoulder blade. My fingernails rake instinctively down his chest, leaving pink marks in their wake that must hurt but he doesn't care so neither do I, clawing my way down to his pant line. He gasps, surprised as I am in the back of my mind when my fingers stay there, knuckles pressing against the softer skin there.

"You're driving me crazy, Mells," Matt muttered, but he doesn't sound unpleased. Before I can ask what he means his legs slip away from around my waist, in favor of pressing his hands on my chest and, to my surprise, shoving me back against the couch.

I squeaked in surprise to be thrown from our position, a slight feeling of rejection flickering through me for a second, but I'm not being rejected at all. Instead I find Matt hovering over me, sitting between my legs, hands holding me down by my shoulders. My eyes widen and meet his, realizing exactly what kind of position we were in, my heart beating a million miles a minute. His eyes are no longer fuzzy and gentle, instead like green fire, burning and intense, tainted only by what I know must be fear. Not fear of being hurt physically but instead emotionally - afraid of backlash he's afraid to receive.

"Mello, I'm…" Matt started, a serious look on his face, but he faltered miserably, face falling to a worried little half smile. I know I must look something close to flabbergasted, mouth clamped shut, face red with blush and surprise, not sure weather to have a panic attack or throw myself into his arms again. He sighed, shaking his head and moving away. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" I squeaked, blinking repeatedly in surprise. Somehow I'm hurt by the comment - _sorry? _Sorry for what? It wasn't _his _fault I was sexually bipolar.

The redhead winced, turning slightly to look at me again. His face is no longer wary, instead fazing to dead-serious, bangs falling over his eyes just slightly; I feel a chill as he whispered in reply, "Mello, I refuse to take advantage of you."I blinked, frowning at the choice of words. "Take advantage?" I echoed stupidly, feeling a blush creep across my face. Matt sighed, moving away from the position, sitting on the coushin beside me. I continued laying where I was, frozen in place, my body still tingling from where we had been heatedly making out just seconds before.

"Mello, tell me - do you _really _want this?" Matt whispered. His voice was pained and reluctant, quivering in the air. I couldn't see his face, since I was reduced to a statue and was staring straight up at the ceiling, but none the less I knew he must look miserable. Still, I felt a horrible anger well within me - but not at him. At _me _for letting him think this way.

"Of course I do. I was letting you, wasn't I?" I challenged, feeling a blush across my face even worse now as I finally managed to sit up, hugging my knees against my bare chest. I looked at him in effort to meet his eyes, but his gaze was cast downwards at his feet, eyes hidden by his hair and the goggles that he had pulled down over his eyes again while I wasn't looking.

He hesitated for a long moment before replying, but when he did I wished he didn't. "Mello, I don't want… I don't want to do this until you know you're ready."

"Do _what?_" I whispered, surprising myself in the way that my voice jumped a few octaves. Matt glanced at me for a split second before looking back at his shoes, but even in that tiny sliver of a moment I could see the pain in his goggled eyes.

"_Anything._" Matt answered. I flinched, shocked by the reply, and more than a little hurt by it. Before I could argue with him he cut me off, waving one hand in surrender. "No, no, I mean… anything… _physical. _I mean, I love kissing you and things, but Mells… you're unpredictable. I don't want to accidentally hurt you because I can't control myself and just… _stop _whenever. I love you, Mello, and so it's pretty much redundant to remind you that I _do _want you.""So what's the problem!?" I wailed, shocking myself more than Matt, and his head shot up to stare at me. Even through the goggles I could see the flabbergastment there, the disbelief. I could only half believe it - the intensity that I wanted him, too, or at least… that part of me did.

Matt sighed, reaching over and letting his fingers graze mine. When he did, I snapped forward and grabbed his hand, squeezing it and holding it there. He smiled a wry smile, but it was gone as soon as it had come. "Mells… the problem is that… while I know you wanted it then… you're unpredictable," Matt replied quietly. Then he added, quickly, "And I love you for it. But how do I know…"

"Know?" I whispered when he trailed off, unconsciously digging my nails into Matt's knuckles. He didn't complain, though I saw him wince; weather it was from the clawing or the words he said next, I don't know.

"Mello, how do I know you're still going to want me in the morning, when everything is already done, and it's too late to take it back?"

I was laying awake on our bed, tangled so deeply in a cocoon of blankets that I thought that I might just stay there forever, in that suffocating warmth of comforter and quilt. I had gone to bed for a 'nap' after our conversation, almost immediately, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, not like this. Even in this big, cozy bundle of blankets I felt cold, as the blood my heart was pumping was ice water instead.

I couldn't place it, no matter how hard I tried to snatch for the word, the name of the feeling I was having.

It wasn't anger. I couldn't be angry with Matt - he was only thinking of my own well being by the decision to cut me off a few minutes ago, no matter how much I wanted him then. Now that the fog had finally completely retreated from my mind, I could see everything for what it really was. I was trembling now, shaking in my boxers - I had kicked off my pants on the way in. It wasn't from anger or fear, but simply because of the interactions, and the memories trying to barge into my mind, consisting of both Gabriel and past girlfriends. Had I been trembling _during _the interactions, too? I had no way of knowing, and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask Matt.

It wasn't sadness. I couldn't be _sad _really - this meant that he loved me, right? The fact that he was willing to delay, well, getting in my pants? Delay _sex? _That was a powerful thing. And yet… wasn't sex suppose to be a confirmation of love? Wasn't that what people always whispered in the hallways, what girls giggled about, what guys told their girlfriends (or in this case, boyfriends), what all the cheesy romance novels say, what the touching romantic comedies tell us? But I knew the truth, and so did he. Sex was sex was sex was sex - love or not, it's still the same actions. He knew how afraid I was, deep down. He could see past the fog in my mind, even when I couldn't.

It had to be, I decided, frustration. Not with Matt, really, but with myself. I couldn't sort anything out in my mind, couldn't fix anything. Matt was afraid to have sex with me, and frankly there was a part of me that was afraid to have sex with him, too. Or do anything below the waistline, for that matter. Surely I was progressing, though… he'd taken my shirt off. I couldn't even go through with _that _before.

_You were feeling so good before… would you have stopped him if he'd gone further? Do you really believe that you would? _

I doubted it. I'd been so caught up in the moment, so ready for anything, so pumped up with adrenaline and lust that I couldn't see past the fog, didn't _want _to see past the fog, to let myself think about the past nor the future. I just _wanted. _

_But would you have _wanted _during the aftermath, too?_

I closed my eyes and pulled the blankets over my head, feeling tears bud in the corners of my eyes. I didn't know the answer.

**A/N: Ah, well… this chapters not much better than the last one. T_T' considering they used to be the SAME chapter, this is kind of understandable. Well, at least it has almost-lemon! 8'D Actually… not really XD they weren't even naked. **

**Don't be mad at Matt for halting our possible-lemony-goodness-moment; it's not his fault. And ffff Mello' s so bipolar. And he's talking to voices in his head, which is kind of shizo. Shizo-bipolar… that sounds like a fun deseise to have. :D You could have a conversation with yourself, your other self, and all the many voices in your head! :D**

…**I'm going to leave now lol kkthnxbai 8d**


	23. Chapter 23

_It was dark, so much so that I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face when I tried to see it. The only light was the tiny sliver of white coming from beneath the door across the room - I recognized the impossibly dark, windowless room almost immediately. It was Uncle Bill and Aunt Marie's guest room; it was unbelievably cold in here normally, and every time Gabriel and I had to share this room we always complained about it, burying ourselves in a mound of blankets and quilts and cuddling together for warmth, talking and giggling and whispering, never going to sleep until hours after being sent to bed._

_I was especially freezing then, though - there were goosebumps on my arms and I was shivering slightly, despite the blankets on top of me. I was lacking my brother's usual warmth - Gabe had vanished from his usual spot beside me. He never used to leave without waking me up until just recently, a bit after his tenth birthday, and now that he was eleven it was more frequent. We had shared a room since I was three years old, maybe younger than that, so he knew that I got scared when I woke up and he wasn't around, a fear I kept with me until I was about ten myself._

_Forcing myself to sit upwards in the bed my eyes scanned the room, but the movement was pointless - it was so dark still, even with my eyes slowly adjusting to the blackness._

_I didn't want to stay in bed, not when I was freezing to death and Gabriel wasn't there to whisper with. I wanted to find him. So I kicked the blankets off me and slipped out of bed, my bare feet causing the floorboards to creak. _

_The room was immensely creepy when I was alone, so as soon as I was free of the false send of protection the blankets had given me I bolted towards the door, small hands fumbling with the handle and jerking it open._

_Outside was the usual long hallway. To the left was the space towards the other bedrooms, but I doubted Gabriel would go this way. I knew that, when he was young and I wasn't born yet, he used to crawl into bed with mother, but he didn't do that anymore. So I took stride towards the left, entering the empty kitchen and trying my best not to make any noise, but I was never a good sneak, probably making way too much noise._

_I searched my way through all the rooms in the house, even peeking out the back door's little window to see if he was sitting on the porch - I don't know why he would be there, since it was snowing and even more freezing outside than in - but he was no where to be found. Dejected and frustrated I pouted my way back towards my room._

_I was almost all the way into my bedroom when I spotted Gabriel slipping out of Nancy's bedroom._

_A scowl immediately formed on my face as he shut the door almost silently behind him, obviously trying to be sneaky as he did, not noticing me at first. Irritation filled my young six year old body - of COURSE he was with Nancy. Of course it was _her _that he was spending his time with, and not me. I hated her for stealing away the time that I was suppose to be spending with Gabriel even more than before now._

_Gabriel blinked and looked up at me, blue eyes wide with surprise. "Mihael?" he hissed under his breath, seeming surprised as he hurried over to meet me. I looked up at him, keeping the irritated pout on my face._

"_Why were you in Nan's room?" I demand quietly, my voice full of childish jealousy. Gabe grinned at me, and I'm surprised to find a light of mischief in his deep blue eyes__._

"_Just having a little fun," Gabriel replied impishly. Before I can ask what he means he grabbed my wrist, pulling me a little to fast into the bedroom, causing me to trip over myself in effort to follow him in. He closes the door with only a little _click, _flipping a switch and lighting the blackness before whirling around to face me, eyes lit with excitement._

_I blink. "What?" _

_His grin widens, threatening to split his face in half. One hand digs into the pocket of his hoodie, and pulls something out, then another something. I gasped, eyes widening._

"_Look," he whispered._

_I was looking, alright._

_In his hand were two bundles of strawberry blonde. Nancy's pigtails, no longer on her head, cut clean off, ponytail and all._

"_I cut 'em off," Gabriel informed me, eyes glowing with victory and amusement. "With her own school scissors, too. Real easy, since she sleeps in those damn piggy tails. She slept right through it."I gape at the bundles in his hand, picturing what my cousin must look like now, with the bundles of hair gone off her head. _

_"_Why?_" I want to know, flabbergasted by my brother's actions. He laughed._

_"What do you mean, why? The little bitch got'cha in trouble," he whispered confidently, poking my now bruised arm to prove it, in the spot where Uncle Bill had slugged me. I wince at the memory, looking up at him and meeting his eyes. Their full of nothing but playful mischief, the toothy grin still on his face; his smile has a lot of gaps, because he's been loosing teeth. I've only lost a few. _

_"So you… cut off her hair?" I repeat dumbly, hands reaching out and grasping one of the decapitated pigtails. Their soft and stringy in my hands, tickling my palms. When I pull the wad closer to my face, I sneeze._

_Gabriel laughed - it was a child's laugh, and though I didn't recognize it then, it had a hint of cruel tone to it, not belonging in a child's voice and yet there all the same. I picture Nancy again, my little cousin without much hair on her head. I imagine that Gabriel will be in a lot of trouble. I imagine that Nan's going to cry and be angry at us. I imagine the look on her face when she sees herself in the mirror._

_A grin splits my face again. Gabriel did this for me. I'm still his number one. _

_At age eight, this was the best news in the world. _

"_Awesome."_

_

* * *

_

When morning came, the good memory was split in two with my own scream, fear breaking me into a cold sweat as I flew upwards, eyes widening on my face. My breath was quick and wheezy, panic rising in my chest. The dream hadn't come with a bad or scary memory, and yet I was still thrown into a freak out.

I wasn't scared, though. The scream wasn't one of fear - it was one of pain. That's all I could feel - internal pain. Overwhelming and strangling inside of me, making me want to vomit. I didn't, though, instead bursting into tears, unable to help myself. The clock says 2:11 in the corner of my eye, much, much too early, but I can't stop my weeping, the laughing face of my older brother still frozen in my mind, refusing to be banished out of my mind.

Matt isn't beside me. I feel an aching emptiness beyond help, burying my face in my hands. _Gabriel… my god, what happened to you… what happened to US…?_

"Mello?"

The voice comes from the doorway, shocked and wary. I spin around to look at the source, which is - of course - Matt. He's standing awkwardly in the doorway, a pained look on his face. His hair is bed headed and his close wrinkled, eyes still sleepy and drooping - I must have woken him up.

I sniffle rather pathetically, rubbing my eyes to try and rid myself of the tears. "Sorry for waking you up," I muttered, but the apology was ignored - before it even escapes my mouth Matt is already at my side, crawling onto the bed beside me and pulling me into a hug. He's the type to want to hug and hold all the time; I appreciate it, burying my face in his shoulder.

"It's okay, Mells… it's okay…" he whispers gently, brushing his hand through my hair.

I only choke out another sniffle in response, breathing in his scent - he smells like cheap detergent and cigarettes, just like always. The faint smell of Old Spice has vanished, but it still smells just like Matt; I feel myself slowly calming down, relaxing into his lap.

"Are you alright?" he whispered, pulling away gently, just enough to meet my eyes. The goggles aren't there to cover them up, letting me drown in the intensity that is the emerald of his eyes. For a moment I don't reply, trying to let his image drown out the one of my brother in my mind. Once I think it's working, I sigh.

"Yeah. I think so," I lied. I really wasn't okay - after the dream and last night, I honestly feel like shit. Matt seems to know this, a worried frown twisting over his face.

"Nightmare?" he asked quietly.

I shake my head truthfully. "Nope. Actually…" I sighed, choking out another sob without meaning to, another wave of agony crashing over me. "It was... a really great dream…"

Matt gasps in surprise as I burst into tears again. I struggle to hold them back, hand flying to my eyes in attempt to stop the tears. I feel pathetic - I wasn't the type to cry, really, especially not in front of other people. Matt seemed to be the exception to this, but I felt stupid for it - why did he put up with me? Who really wants a shit-hole crybaby as a boyfriend?

Apparently, Matt. He sighed and brushed his hands across my now wet cheeks, replacing my hands on my face and brushing his thumb over the corner of my eye, brushing away the tears there. I held back a whimper, looking up at meeting his eyes. I let myself forget last night for now, immediately calmed by the beauty of his eyes.

"What happened, Mello?" he whispered, giving me a worried expression, his eyebrows scrunched together. I winced. I'm not sure I want to tell him inside, but on the outside I immediately start to gush, holding back tears as I do.

"I was dreaming about Gabriel," I tell him painfully. He winced, looking a bit horrified. I continue, not meeting his eyes as I do. "Back when I was at my Uncle Bills, he… we would always share a room, back when I was eight, and this one night he… He cut off Nan's pigtails, because she got me in trouble. And it was really mean, but it was really funny, and we would always… whisper a never really sleep." Matt gives me a funny look, as if he doesn't believe what I'm saying. I wince under his gaze, looking down at my lap. "He wasn't always… bad, Matt. You've got to believe that he wasn't."

Matt sighed. "Alright. But Mello…"

I cut him off, not wanting to hear whatever he was going to say. I know I'm being irrational, but I don't care. "He was my best friend, Matt, before he started being… like that. When we were kids, he really was… really he was… my hero, in a way.

"He understood me. I… loved him. A lot."

When I peek back up at him he's not scrunched up anymore, instead looking back at me with a sober look on his face, green eyes soft with understanding, sympathy, and something close to misery. "That's not really past tense, is it?" he whispered, voice a bit pained.

I want to cry again, but I don't let myself start - if I do, I'll never be able to stop. So instead I dip my head, closing my eyes and whispering, "No. I still… I can't hate him, Matt." It's the truth, and I know it as well as he does. I don't really want to admit it, but I still love him. Even though he raped me and hit me and abused me, even if he was an inhuman pain in the ass… I loved him. He was my brother - how could I not love him? How could I look at that man and hate him, knowing that he used to be that little boy who hugged me and loved me, who would play and protect me?

I couldn't.

"I understand," Matt whispered gently, reaching out to brush the hair away from my eyes. I nodded. I don't doubt that he understands - even though I barely know him, I feel like I've known him forever. It's wonderful.

It's kind of scary, too.

"Do you?" I whispered, voice trembling. The question isn't meant to be answered, though, and I burry my forehead in his throat, cutting off his effort at a reply. I already know that he does. It's just unbelievable to me. That he even puts up with me at all is a miracle.

His fingers find their way to the back of my neck, stroking my hair in a delicate fashion. Everything he does with me is careful like that. Everything, even…

I wince, thinking of last night. Was he thinking of that, too? Was he thinking of that when I mentioned Gabriel? Did he hate my brother for doing his to me? I was sure that he did - I did too, kind of. I hated that part of Gabriel. But… I couldn't hate the full him. It was impossible for me to even try.

Suddenly, Matt speaks up. "Mello… we need to talk about something kind of bad now. Okay?" His voice is pained, and I can tell that whatever he's going to tell me is going to be hard on him. And probably on me, too.

I move away from him, curling into a ball. After a second I look up at him, hugging my knees against my chest as I meet his eyes. He's as serious as I've ever seen him, in a darker kind of sense than usual. It scares me a little.

"Okay," I replied quietly, my mind racking all the reasons that he might want to bring up something "serious." There were too many to sort through, though, so I give up by the time he starts to talk.

"Mello… I love you," he began, as if to reassure me. I frown and nod at him, trying to figure where this was going. He sighed, reaching out and placing his hand over mine, which is resting on my knee. I grip his hand on instinct, and he tenses. After a second of watching me watch him, he continues, "I love you. So that's why I can't… I can't just sit back and do nothing about this, Mello."

I blinked, startled by the intensity in his eyes. He's got a kind of dangerous look in the back of his eyes, not quite hatred, but not friendly either; I know it's not directed at me. I can't bring myself to reply, mouth going dry as I stare at him and his intense stare, drowning in the emerald depths as they stare into my blue ones, the protectiveness there making me feel both safe and terrified.

Finally, I release the breath I realized had been holding. "Do nothing about…?" I whisper, event hough I know the answer.

"About Gabriel, Mello," he replied quietly, squeezing my hand gently. I winced, despite knowing this was coming. He sighed. "I care about you so much, Mello, and that's why I was hesitant to do anything that might stress you out more than you already are. But it's also why I _have _to do something. I can't just sit back when I know you were… were…" _Raped. _He can't bring himself to say it, but the word radiates through the room as if he had. "We have to report him, at the very least, Mel."

My stomach flips, welcoming a wave of nausea. I feel my hands trembling, and I want to scream. Instead, I whisper, "No."

Matt flinches. "No?" he repeated quizzically, sounding disbelieving. I nod my head, hoping he doesn't notice I'm trembling. "Mello… why?"

"It's not worth it," I replied darkly, shaking my head quickly. "he's not… he doesn't even…" My voice chokes up, and I can see my brother's young face in my mind again. Smiling at me. I'm being irrational again, I can feel it bubbling up in me, and I wonder if this is how my mother feels as I whisper, "It's not his fault."

"Not his _fault_?" Matt practically screeches. I flinch in surprise at his tone, head flying up to find his face wide with something close to fury. But it's gone as soon as it came, replaced with only sadness. "Mello, if it's not his fault, than who's is it?"

I don't know how to reply to that. _My mother? _No, it wasn't my mother's fault. She couldn't help how she was, could she? She was abused, too. Just like me. Was I turning into her, now?

_My father? _No, it couldn't be his fault either. If it wasn't Gabriel's fault, then it wasn't his either, for abusing my mother. He was a little boy once, too, I realize. He probably had some horrible mother too. Some horrible mother that I never met, but a horrible mother all the same, that probably screamed at him and his little brother all day. But it wasn't her fault, either, because she'd been abused, too, right?

I feel myself trembling again, and I shrug his hand off of mine to keep him from realizing how much I'm shaking, meeting his eyes. They're searching mine for answers, wide and helpless. I can only give him the answer I know.

"It's nobodies fault, Matt," I replied quietly, feeling a dark sense of horrible realization cross over me. "The world's just a big chain of horrid. And it's never going to stop."

* * *

I can't focus in Geometry.

Really, not being able to focus isn't exactly surprising after the whole confrontation thing with Matt. After the speech I'd just stalked out of the room, as usual, and we had pretty much avoided any real conversation. He didn't even drive me to school - I had been overly early anyway, so I had walked, not wanting to discuss the issue of Gabriel further.

Sitting back in my chair and listening to Ms. Rem ramble on about something now, I regretted it majorly. I felt completely detached, so much so that on my way here, this had happened:

_I was hurrying down the hallway when I bumped right into the person I least wanted to see at the moment (besides my actual family) - Jade._

"_Watch it, fag-boy," Jade snapped as I stepped back from her. I was dazed; it was her fault for running into me, since she'd been practically sprinting down the hallway, but I just sort of stared at her, like 'why am I mad at you again?' The breakup, the come out, the posters - it all seemed so unimportant now._

_She scoffed at me, shaking her head. "Whatever, I'm going to class. See you, faggot."_

_"Okay. Bye," I replied dumbly, waving at her as she spun around. She made an offended little 'ah!' sound, as if I had been being sarcastic and mean to her and not just acting like a dumbass because I was distracted. Either way she was gone before I could say anything to her. _

Yeah, not exactly typical Mello-behavior. But I couldn't focus on little things like that right now - all I could think of was that look in Matt's eyes and the way we had confronted each other. He was right, of course, but I had a point, too, even if I was being mostly irrational. Still, I felt sick to my stomach; even eating excessive amounts of chocolate didn't help much.

"MELLO."

I blinked in surprise, glancing up at Ms. Rem when she called my name. By the tone of her voice and the frustrated look on her face, I could tell she had said my name several times, and that I had been too zoned out to hear her.

"Oh." I glance at the problem on the screen, which is a scrawl of complicated numbers and symbols. I do it in my head as I turn to meet the teacher's eyes. "Seventy-six and eight tenths."

Ms. Rem stares at me in disbelief, mouth parting just slightly in shock. I hear Misa giggle behind me, and to my surprise Noel tosses me a humored smile before seeming to catch himself and return his gaze to his desk.

Finally the teacher regained her composure, clapping her hands together and straightening up again. "Alright. Very good, that is correct," she announced, still looking flustered. "But please, try not to doze off in my class, Mello," she added. A few kids mutter a laugh at the comment, and I smile at her warily. If it had been one of the people who did this on a regular basis, Ms. Rem would be a lot more cruel about reprimanding them, but I was a universally good student, even if a lot of teachers disliked me for my rebelliousness, what with the eating in chocolate in class and all.

The rest of class was majorly uneventful, unless you count Misa falling asleep and Ms. Rem never saying anything - that would spark some irritation later, I was sure, but I was way too far out of it to care. I was staring blankly at the wall when I felt a prodding on my shoulder.

I blinked lazily and turned my head to the side to locate the source of the touch. I was unsurprised to find that it was Misa; she had this huge grin on her face, blue eyes lit up and shining like neon lights, but not in a cool way, rather in a way that was a bit scary.

"What?" I mutter, rubbing my eyes and slipping out of my chair, seeing that the bell had apparently rang and everyone else was filing out to head for their next class. Misa grinned.

"It's that, uh… well, Misa-Misa needs some advice," she began thoughtfully, tapping a fuzzy pink pen to her lips twice, as if thinking despite the blank look in her eyes. I raised an eyebrow at her, letting her follow in step with me. Since when did she go to me with questions?

I sigh. "Advice about what, dare I ask?"

"Well…" she trials off, then suddenly whips out to pieces of paper from her pockets, shaking them out so that they're fully visible - they're cut out of a magazine. "Which dress should Misa wear to the fling? The red, or the black?"

All I can do is stare, resisting the urge to drop my jaw in surprise. Coming to me for _dress opinions?_ She had to be joking, right?

She wasn't joking. She was giving me this big-eyed, expectant look, a huge hopeful smile on her face. Through the irritation, I suppose she looked a bit cute like that, giddy and expectant of wisdom from me, in a weird way. Why was it, I wanted to know, that gay guys were expected to be so good at fashion?

After a second of staring at her and realizing she was dead serious, I take a second look at the dresses. They're both pretty, I suppose, one black and one red as she specified before - I study them for a moment, hands unconsciously coming to my hips. Something inside me clicks, and I announce, "The black one. The red one's too skimpy."

Misa blinks in surprise, turning the papers to look at them again. After a second, the grin returns to her face, big enough to seemingly split her face in half. "You're totally right! Awesome! I'll definitely get the black one," she gushed, throwing her arms around me in an unexpected glomp. I gasped partially because I was surprised, and partially because her glomp wasn't anything like I expected, which was a delicate or girly kind of embrace. Instead I got a crushing bear-hug, threatening to crush me completely.

Finally she slips away, skipping off down the hallway, most likely to hunt down Yagami. I manage to smile back at her, hand coming to my stomach as I catch my breath. My organs, I am happy to report, survived the incident. Though a tiny little part of my manliness didn't - not that it was in such good shape, anyway.

* * *

I managed to make it to lunch without killing myself, though on my way down from English Lit I almost fell on my face because I was too distracted by thoughts of Matt to dodge when some football playing douche bag jutted his leg out to trip me. I heard my "yaoi clan" taught him a lesson of some sort, according to Misa, which is a bit scary. Oh well, at least their good for _something._

"So Misa-Misa was watching TV last night, and you'll never guess who was on. _Adam Lambert! _We were, like, just talking about him! Isn't that _weird_?" Misa was saying, a shrill, excited tone to her voice.

Nobody else was looking too amused. I was zoning out as I was the rest of the day, lazily scanning the faces of the people around me. Gevanni was still missing, the seat he usually sat in vacated and lonely looking; said Gevanni's doll was currently being clutched in Near's fist, getting a stare-down by the albino boy; Beyond was shoveling jam into his mouth as usual; A was engrossed in some Jodi Poccolt book, _Nineteen Minutes_; L is eating his cake slowly today, a distant, thoughtful look in his eyes; Light is trying to look concerned about what Misa was saying, but he looked like one of those meaningful paintings, where there's a smile on the face but an empty, lost look in his eyes. Even Matsu looked sobered up today, resting his cheek on his hand and picking absently at a sloppy joe, which didn't look like it was in eating condition nor edible in the first place.

Misa didn't seem to notice, that or she simply ignored the fact. "Gawd, you know what I H-A-T-E _hate? _People who NEVER shut up! You know that feeling? They just keep on _talking _and _talking _and _talking!_ You try to hint that you don't want to talk, and they just… keep talking! You know!"

L unexpectedly crushed the piece of cake he had been holding in his hand, annoyance on has face. Before he could say anything, B spoke up instead. "Yeah, Misa. We _do _know how it is," he retorted bluntly, voicing what we were all thinking with an irritated look on his face.

Matsuda pretended to brighten, putting a fake grin on his face, obviously trying to cheer us up and, as usual, avoid conflict. "Hey, guys, so, I heard they're doing karaoke at the spring fling! How fun, right?"

"Oh, yes, totally fun," I retorted pessimistically, rolling my eyes at him. "Listening to a bunch of losers attempting to sing popular pop songs and ruining a perfectly decent song with their crappy singing. _Totally _awesome."

Matsu only laughs. "It'll be fun, though! Besides," he adds, eyes flickering happily. "You and Misa-Misa are good singers. You'll have to sing!"

Augh. Did I forget to mention I'm a good singer? Because apparently I am, even though my singing is kind of girlish. I just don't _like _to sing. I'm good, but it's not something I like doing, at least not in front of people. I do the majority of my singing in the shower, and even that's uncomfortable. Misa is the opposite - she's a good singer too, but she's hardly modest about it at all; in fact, she brags about it all the time, singing every chance she gets.

Near saves me with his own topic-change. "I believe they are allowing non-Wammy children to come to the dance, if they are invited by one of us and pay their fee," he said. I blink, repressing a startle. _Matt._ Was that boy a mind reader?

Speaking of which - _Matt. _Everyone else gets back to talking, but I'm reabsorbed into my own thoughts.Was he mad at me, for ignoring his opinion of Gabriel? He _was _right. I should go to the law about Gabriel, stop him from being out on the street - even if he wasn't bothering me anymore, he could be bothering some other innocent person. I shouldn't be protecting him, especially not now.

But there was still that tug in my chest, that painful connection I had with my brother, reinforced with years of protection and brotherly love, of midnight snacks and exploring the woods and playing pranks on the neighbor girls and watching R rated movies even though we weren't allowed and sneaking into the girls locker room to steal their shorts and hear them freak out about it. Reinforced with years before the drugs, the alcohol, the craziness. The years before the rape. Before middle school. The bond was still there, weather I liked it or not. And more than anything, I wanted it to break. Yet there, deep down inside, I knew that it never would.

**A/N: …not really sure what to say about this one. Except that I CANT STAND HOW HARD GABRIEL IS TO WRITE D: Goddd, he's so… so… conflicting! ;___; (you should probably still hate his guts, though). Anyways, the next chapter will be up by Saturday, if all goes well. Which it probably won't. I'll be over at my grandparents thurs-fri, so… yeah T__T' gahh. No cpu! TORCHER! Maybe I'll handwrite it. Anyways, I have social studies to work on, so bye bye.**


	24. Chapter 24

The day was over before I knew it.

Like, literally, I barely realized the day even went by. After lunch, it was all just blur, and then suddenly I blinked and, _holy shit, _I was in last period computer class. When did that happen?

If you don't know the feeling, you need to come to school more. You slacker.

"Mello, are you coming or what?"

I glanced up at Halle, who was lingering over me with this dry look on her face that told me that, quite apparently, I had been spacing out even more than I thought, because the bell had rung and I had completely missed it.

"Whoops," I muttered, kicking the computer off – it made the usual wooooo sound in complaint, but I've learned to ignore that by now – and gathering my books into my arms again. Halle sighed, shaking her head.

"Men. Gay, straight, you're all the same," she complained teasingly. I couldn't bring myself to laugh sincerely, instead choking out this half-hearted ha-ha noise. She rolled her eyes at my attempt, heading out of the classroom. The weird lack of Triston-taunting made me hesitate to follow her out, but the pretty wonder-boy was nowhere in sight; shrugging internally, I followed her out, listening to her ramble on about how annoying the male species was. Not quite paying enough attention to give her any more of a reply than 'yeah' 'totally' 'mm-hmm' 'sure' and things like that, just sort of zoning out and half-listening to her drone on, keeping my head just above water. Feeling completely and utterly blank.

In the back of my mind, I was glad that I was feeling so blank. I didn't want to delve into the thoughts that lingered below the surface, happier to just float meaninglessly at the feather-edge. Somewhere between being normal and happy and plunging into darkness and misery. Better, safer, I thought, to just stay blank.

I couldn't stay that way forever, though. With that recollection came dread.

Suddenly my phone vibrated in my back pocket, startling me out of my blank state. Halle glanced at me and sniped, "see you" before hurrying away, leaving me to fumble for my phone. Of course, it was Matt – who else would it be?

"Oi, hello?" Matt asked once I picked up the phone, not giving me time to greet him first. His voice was slightly upset over the phone, though I could tell even then that he was trying to cover it up with a transparent happy tone.

"Hey," I whispered, pinning the device between my ear and my shoulder long enough to grab my backpack and swing it over my shoulder, slamming the door and setting off down the hall.

I can hear him sigh on the other line, and then the honk of car horns in the background. Shifting the phone back into my left hand I start my catwalk to exit the school, only dimly acknowledging the tiny cluster of fangirls grinning and pointing my direction as I passed.

"Look, Mel, I'm really sorry, but I'm caught in killer traffic right now," Matt blurted, sounding miserable as he did. "Can you get a ride with someone else? I'm really sorry."

I smiled a tiny bit at his apology, for a second forgetting that I was on awkward terms with him and allowing myself to think about how adorable it was, how he always apologized so profusely for little, completely understandable things. Then I sighed and remembered anyway. "its fine, Matt. I can get a ride – stop apologizing so much."

Matt didn't reply to that, though I knew he hadn't hung up, because I could hear him breathing on the other line. He was obviously in a similar mood as me. I allowed myself to glance around, searching for familiar faces. I spotted L across the lawn, chatting with Weddy – they were pretty good friends, from what I knew, though they didn't hang out much. I could probably get a ride from him.

"Look, I'm going to go, okay? Love you," Matt spoke up again, his voice quavering a little. I could tell he wanted to say more, but he didn't. I allowed myself to smile faintly, but it was gone in an instant.

"Bye, Matt. See you at home."

I ended up, as planned, getting a ride from L. It was awkward, though, because Watari was in the car, staring at us from the review mirror the entire time, and L was working on some report that was due in, like, two months. So I was stuck just leaning on the side of the car, staring out the window and waiting for the scenery to become familiar, rather impatiently wanting to be back at the apartment.

My consciousness was slowly trickling back into me as the car rolled into the parking lot, scooting into a narrow space between a yellow sportscar and a huge red Toyota. Waking from my dead staring-blankly-out-of-a-window composure I shook my head, grudugingly pushing off of the door and grabbing my backpack.

L looked up at me with the usual blank look on his face. "I will see you tomorrow," he said.

I smile at him before slipping out the door, but the expression is empty and refuses to meet my eyes. I can't help it – I'm dreading going into the building. Dreading meeting Matt this afternoon. How could I not, after the confrontation this morning? Any rational person would be at least a _little _worried.

I, on the other hand, was a _lot _worried. I didn't expect that he would be angry with me, exactly, but confrontation of any kind on the topic, no matter how gentle, was sure to send me into another panic. Sighing I pulled a chocolate bar out of my pocket, heading towards the double-doors anyways, not bothering to glance over my shoulder as Watari's car drove away.

The apartment was empty when I arrived, but I wasn't really that surprised, since Matt – though a very good driver – was obviously having trouble with traffic. So, alone in the apartment for the first time in a few days, I flopped onto the couch.

Laying there got boring quickly, though. There's absolutely nothing on TV, and browsing through random channels gets boring quickly, watching each show fly by. _The weather – _no thank you, I'd rather not snore while I watched TV – _Dora – _hell no, that monkey was the creepiest thing ever – _America's Next Top Model – _I wasn't THAT gay… okay, I was, but I'd seen the episode before. Shut up with your laughing, jerk. _Pokémon – _save that for Matt, no thanks for me… - _Sell That House – _gag me with a spoon – _Millionaire Matchmaker – _oh my god, that woman was annoying! – _John and Kate Plus Eight – _ew, um… no.

There was nothing on.

Sighing, I adjusted my position on the couch for the hundredth time, staring at the screen. It was some random Viagra commercial. Ew. Leaned over to reach for the remote again, deciding some random documentary on something I didn't care about wasn't worth this commercial-inducted torched… then promptly lost balance, and quite gracefully face planted onto the floor.

"Fuck," I muttered, irritated by both my sudden lack of poise and the quickly developing throb in my nose, rolling to my side. I was about to get up and wing the remote that had caused this at the innocent television when something caught my eye, forcing me to stay in my laying position.

There was a lump under the chair to the left, the brown low-set one which I'd never really noticed before in contrast to the mustard-colored couch. But now, lying at this angle, I could see something glinting underneath it.

A cold feeling trickled through me as I squirmed forward to inspect the source of my interest, reaching under the chair. As soon as my hand touched metal, I felt a familiar sense of unease in my stomach, hand closing over the object and pulling it out.

My eyes widened at the sight. It was a gun, a pistol, cold and deadly looking in my hands.

Strangely enough, I wasn't frightened to find the gun there, in my boyfriend's house. I was just… surprised. It was cold and glaring in my hands, a lethal weapon never coming this close to me before this, at least not a lethal weapon t hat was _suppose _to be used as a lethal weapon (a dictionary flying through the air via mother-cannon doesn't count). Strangely, though, it didn't make me feel frightened.

It made me feel… strong.

My fingers closed around the weapon, fingers falling instinctively into their places, pointer finger grazing the trigger. Was it loaded? I didn't know, but somehow I wasn't worried, slowly getting to my feet with the gun in my hand. It fit comfortably into my fingers, seeming almost innocent in my hand, despite knowing full well this thing was a killing machine as the dim light form the window glinted off of the side.

Without really thinking about it I moved my arm upwards, cocked the gun, and pulled the trigger.

The gun exploded, sending a bullet into the wall and my eardrums screeching in protest. I flinched, not really realizing that it had been loaded, the smell of gunpowder uncomfortable in my nose. Before I could bring myself to wonder why in the bloody hell I had done that, the door flew open.

"MELLO!"a crazed voice cried from the kitchen, and I whipped around to face the door at the noise, holding the gun up out of instinct. Of course, this was pointless, because it was only matt who practically flew into the room, a pot in his hand, clutched like a ready weapon, face pale with fright and deadly apprehension. As soon as he entered the room, though, he froze, finding a gun staring him in the face.

I stared at him for a long moment, and he stared back, both of us wavering slightly. He broke the gaze first, eyes darting from side to side, obviously checking the room for intruders. When he found no one else, he turned to me again.

He was on me before I even lowered the gun, throwing his arms around my waist and whipping me into a death-grip hug. I choked out a squeak of surprise at being bear hugged, the gun jammed between us and the pot tossed carelessly to the floor. He didn't seem to notice, trembling against me as he held me close, his voice breathy in my ear. "Mello, Mello, Mello…" he whispered, voice tremulous as he repeated my name, over and over. I was stiff in his arms, disbelieving at how easily he had thrown himself into my arms, even with the gun raised to him. Even more disbelieving, though, at how scared he sounded.

"Matt…." I murmured in response, finally, squirming to reposition myself enough to let the gun clatter to the floor.

Once it did Matt held me even closer, his face burying into my neck, lips pressed there as he murmured against my skin, "You scared me so much…." I shivered, hearing the relief and fear in his voice, mingling all in with the usual love that was always there. "My god… I thought… I don't know what I thought, Mello, but I heard the gunshot, and… I just…"

"I'm sorry," I whispered helplessly as Matt broke down again, faltering in my arms to the extent that I had to help hold us up instead of the other way around. I didn't mind, but him breaking down like this was secretly scaring me a little. "I'm sorry," I repeated, inwardly pleading for him not to cry. "That was stupid of me to do."

"I thought I lost you…" he admitted quietly with a little sniff, moving away from me, but only enough to meet my eyes. The look on his face struck guilt into my core. He had on an expression to be compared to a little boy who had just seen her puppy be put down, slightly red faced and fighting tears, lips trembling in the attempt to keep the failing smile on his face. It was wrong, all wrong, how sad his face looked. He wasn't meant to look so miserable.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated quietly, reaching up and brushing my fingers through his hair. He shuddered a little, looking as if he were in physical pain as he did; who knows, maybe he was, in a strange way. I sighed, leaning forward and brushing my lips to his on instinct, willing myself to kiss his worries away. He complied immediately, deepening our kiss in such a gentle manner it made me want to break down and start to sob; even more so, when I felt the tears trickle down his cheeks, wetting my own cheeks in our kissing.

The kiss was desperate, almost, and adoring. He handled me like a china doll, terrified that I would break. Both of us secretly frightened that the other would simply dissipate and vanish completely. His fingers were making little feathers of touches along my waist, leaving a soft trail of warmth in their wake. I let out a little gasp into the kiss, the pleasure in response wondrous, and he took this as permission to slip his tongue into my mouth. I didn't resist, letting myself completely drown in the gentleness of the kiss.

The minutes seemed like forever, and I wished them to become forever for real in a way, but this wasn't to be, and we slipped out of our kiss. The embrace did not go away though, his arms still tight around my waist, face nuzzled in my neck, as if breathing me in.

"I'm sorry," I repeated for the fourth time today, clutching the fabric of his shirt. He mumbled something along the lines of 'I know', his grip tightening around me. Subconsciously, I knew that Matt had kicked the gun under the coach, but I ignored the motion, burying my face in his chest. He smelt like he always did – like cigarettes, like laundry detergent, like GameStop; like Matt.

Finally Matt pulled away, though his fingers still lingered on my wrists, not willing to break the contact between us completely. I looked up at him, immediately relieved to find that the tears in his eyes had vanished, the only trace of them being the dim sadness left over in his deep green eyes.

"So," Matt whispered after a few seconds, glancing at the couch, where the gun had been half-shielded from view beneath. "You found the pistol." I nodded sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders, and he sighed, hands sliding down from my wrist and tangling his fingers in mine, squeezing my hand reassuringly. "I've only got it for protection. It's not a good part of town sometimes and…"

"You don't have to explain," I murmur, cutting him off. He blinks in surprise as i look back up at him again, giving him a weak smile. "I understand."

He nodded, smiling a little. I could tell that he wanted to say more, it was there in his eyes, but I had a feeling that I knew what it was. So I avoided it, slipping my hands from his and taking a step backwards. "I'm going to go find something to cover the hole in the wall with. Do you have any posters?" I inquired, trying my best to sound casual.

Matt didn't fall for it for a second, sighing and deducing the space that I had bought between us to almost nothing, hands coming to rest on my shoulders, as if to keep me from escaping. I blushed, hating that I was so transparent. _Here it comes. Here comes the part where he confronts you. Here comes the part where he asks. Where he asks you to be rational. Where he asks you to do something that you know you can't do. _

"You don't have to worry, Mells," he whispered unexpectedly, brushing his thumb against my jaw with the gentlest of touches. "I won't do anything you don't want me to."

I blinked, looking up at him. He's giving me this intense look, and I know exactly what he's talking about. _Gabriel. _"You're right, though," I whisper, choking on the words.

He sighed, brushing my hair from my face. "you're right. I am," he replied gently, leaning forward slightly so that his eyes were inches from mine. I could see every little detail in the emerald beauties – the way they were darker in the middle, around the rim, and how there were little flecks of brighter green. I melted, quite frankly, as he continued, "You're being completely unconventional by not turning him in. But Mello, I _love _you. And I because I love you, I can't hurt someone that _you _love, even if I hate him for hurting you. So…" he took a deep breath, reluctantly adding, "I won't do anything on the brother topic… unless he causes more problems. Alright?"

I'm shocked. I'm amazed. I'm touched.

"You promise?" I whispered.

He looked me straight in the eye, the intensity there almost suffocating. "I promise."

And right then, caught in that moment, I believed him with everything in me. And then, something inside me whispered three words, simultaneously meaningless and momentous as they echoed through my mind.

_I love him._

**A/N: AWWW. Too bad you didn't say it out loud, there, Mello. XP Oh well. xD enjoys this chapter, yeah? It's kind of vague, but it IS important if you pay enough attention to the foreshadowing it has. :D ok, well, tootleoo, I'm off to write perverted fanfiction for my wife 8'D**


	25. Chapter 25

**I Just Spontaneously Combusted 8D**

**Mood: -insert head explosion here-**

**Locating: Apartment**

**Eating: Popcorn (still getting fat DX)**

**Drinking: N/A**

**Listening To: Angel snoring**

**FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK**

**Okay, I needed to let that out. Plz excuse mah profanity thar. But OH MY GOD! BLOODY JEASUS! *stabs self several times***

**I'm pretty much eating myself up now. Because my day SUCKS. I mean, it could suck MORE, Angel could be mad at me, but that's so not even the problem right now. My problem is…. Augh. I'm so stressed and worried when I should be happy and loving on Angel-boy… it's all so horrible. I want all of this past us already… I don't' even want to TALK about it. D: **

**You: Then why are you writing this damned blog post?**

**Good point, you. Thanks a lot.**

**But I do have a point. And that would be the following questions:**

**What do you do when the person you love is being hurt by a person you hate, but the person you love loves the person you hate even though the person you hate hurt the person love? What if the way that the person you hate hurt the person you love is totally illegal, but the person you love got you to promise not to turn the person he loves and you hate into the police? What do you do then? Do you risk the person you love hating you forever in order to hurt the person who you hate for hurting the person you love? Or do you keep the promise to the person you love and let the person you hate go free? **

**What's the best way to hide a bullet hole in the wall? (No, the questions are not related, Angel's just a freak). **

**Love,**

**Matt**

**A/N: not really a chapter. Was going to be at the end of the last chapter, but I forgot, and I'm too lazy to fix it. So f you, Matt's super-short blog post get's it's own chapter.**

**Be an awesome reviewer and leave a "comment" for Matt's blog, which will be featured on the next chapter and replied to by Matty. :D YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! Leave a story-username on the comment, to, unless you want me to use ur regular one. :D KKTHXBAI!**


	26. Chapter 26

_**A/N: I'm having a sick day… felt like total shit this morning, so my mom let me stay home and all. I think my lack of sleep has finally caught up with me or something, and since yesterday was the shittiest day I've had for a long time (I don't want to talk about it -_- except people are fucktards and so are cars) I'm grateful to not have to go to school. It's one of my last days, though, so it sucks… oh well. Here's the next chapter, since I have too much time on my hands now XD'**_

**Matt's Blog ****- **_**I Just Spontaneously Combusted 8D**_

**COMMENTS:**

**LittleMissAnthrope: B-bullet hole(s)? Care to elaborate on that one? Erm... hang a picture? xD On both sides? Best I got, a more serious note, about your other problem... I'd say... well, I have no clue. Were it me, I probably would abide by my significant other's wishes unless it was a really big problem... but even then I'd try to talk to them until they saw my side and agreed.**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: Yeah, that'll probably e what I do. But Angel's not going to be easy to convince, unfortunately… In response to the other thing, a picture will probably be a good idea! XD Can we say **_**Johnny Depp poster? **_**ohh yeah~! We don't need two (yet) b/c the bullet didn't go all the way through, but I'll buy two posters anyway, because JD is just that win.**

**M-Chan: Duct tape hides bullet holes the guy who you hate in but do it secretly or do it in a way that blames someone else for turning him in? If you know where the guy is provoke him and then the one you love will have to help you and turn him in!**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: But wouldn't that be lying…? :'( Much as I'd like to do that, love's a genius… he'd figure it out. And I'd feel bad about it. Thanks for the duct tape advice, though, I'll use that until I can find a good Johnny depp poster! XDD**

**hArUkAs-lOvE-cHiLd: Oi! U R teh pwnage 2 B so close teh Angel boi. Mattikins, jew needs 2 c4lm d0wn a n0tch, eh? ^^" Okies I'm done attempting 133t 2 B kewl. The fuxor that messes w/ur luv needs to be punished dude! But u know Angel boi best. If I were u, i'd go to his friends and ask their advice, cuz they've got 2 B good ppl rite?Huggles him, and hold him. Tell him that you only want to prevent it from every happening again...and I mean...illegal? What did Angel boi go thru? Sometimes teh ppl closest to us hurt us teh most, but if Angel boi rly loves that person who hurt him, should he want that bad person to get help? So he never hurts anyone again?much 3 2 U both, and I gotsta ask...duz Angel boi have a twin somewhere that I can kidnap and lurve 2? bai nao**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: Ok, if I'm reading this crazy comment correctly… I'm glad I'm so close with him, too. I do need 2 calm it down a notch, but I've had to much star bucks, I think… Maybe asking his friends for advice WOULD help… but I don't really know them that well. And yeah, Angel's gone through a lot… hmm. *depressed sigh* OH, and no, as far as I know Angel only has his one brother, and trust me - you don't want to go off and love him O_O' just take my word for it, yeah?**

**Kari Twilight Mist: you mentioned you don't break promises :( maybe you could get Leon to scope out some dirt on him for you. Oh and go to Home Depot they have plaster for that.**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: Well, at least, I don't break promises to Angel. I'd ask Leon too, but I'd be too afraid that he'd get hurt T_T' *still a tiny bit protective of the jerk head* Baww. And plaster's too expensive, and I'd end up accidentally plastering my hands to the wall or something w/ my luck XD**

**Pennand: you are ultimately perfect Mattyboy. Too bad Angel's got you all to himself! to answer your 50 questions, why don't you confront this SOB that has hurt your lover? it would technically not be breaking the promise you made to angelboy. wishing you luck with angel!**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: I don't know about PERFECT, but yes, I'm all his. Angel doesn't share, & neither do I. owo And CONFRONT him? Much as I would LOVE that, if you forget, I'm not buff. I'm a freakin nerd. I'm not completely useless, but I couldn't pummel this SOB you speak of, even if Angel would let me TT_TT damn, right when working out would ACTUALLY pay off…. Oh well. :P**

**Shadow_Dancer666: If the person you hate hurts the person you love, there's a chance that the person you love isn't all there in the head and he's in no position to be making these kinds of judgments. You're the sane one (I'm hoping) of the two and you need to handle things. Angel-boy doesn't sound particularly stable, so you need to step up! Not sure why you always attract the crazies...You must be pretty damn hot. XD Oh, and picture frames, caulking with paint over it, and even bookcases are great ways to cover up bullet holes in the wall. ^_^"**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: Step up? Ha. That's a joke, right? *sigh* Angel's not insane, he's just really hurt inside. I'm hoping that he'll come around with a little push from me, but… Anyways, I'd like to think I AM pretty hot XD though I'm not sure WHY I attract crazies… maybe it's some fetish I didn't realize I had? O_O**

**BeyondsWaraNingyo: To the first questions, depends how and how much you love that person, and how and how much you hate the other person. And, I believe cotton balls and tape with a poster on top could cover a bullet hole?**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: I love Angel more than life itself. And I hate this guy more than my mother. So you tell me. **

**Hannah: Well... I'm not sure, but I think the best way to cover up a bullet hole cheaply would be to hang a picture frame over it. Or, if it's too low on the wall, move the furniture. Hehe. So… why is there a bullet hole in the wall? You haven't joined/angered the mafia, have you? ^_~"**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: I hope I have not angered the mafia… that doesn't sound like fun at all ._. As far as I know Angel is not in the mafia. But I could be wrong, he is a pretty good shot…**

**Okay Matt, here's what you do. If you promised to the person you love that you aren't going to do anything to the person that you hate that also illegally hurt the person you love then you are going to have to break your promise. As a person in general, the right thing to do is to turn in the person you hate, even if they aren't currently hurting the person you love then could still be hurting someone else, which would be YOUR FAULT. And even though you will feel guilty for breaking angel-boy's promise, your conscience will be cleared, and you will knowthat you did the right thing. If angel-boy gets mad at you, then angel-boy may be fabulous, but he needs your help to face the person who hurt , break the promise, clear your conscience, help angel-boy. And fixing the bullet hole with plaster and stuff will take a while and cost money, so you should just cover it up with a dresser, a poster, a coathanger, whatever, cheap solution. **

**Got it ya adorable popcorn-murderer?**

_**Reply -**_** Matt: Now I'm depressed. Then again, I was depressed before. You're right, of course. But… -dies a little inside- IFIAHRW…. You know what, ok, I can't rely to this. I'm going to go murder some more popcorn.**

**ShyClown: first the easy one there's this plaster or something if not plaster last resort could shove some gum or play doe in there and paint it up :)what to do when your love's safety's at risk, protect them as well as you can with out crossing the line of what you promised cause once you cross that line emotions could flare and something stupid and or worse could happen as a result just makes sure there as safe as you can make them as well as making sure they still fell safe inside.**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: Plaster = still too expensive. I'm broke, remember? XD And as for your advice on my love (Angel) I agree with you :P**

**Potpourrii: Matt, I think you should just make sure nothing bad happens. I mean, Angel's being really confuzzling but, you know, love is love xDD You promised! Just don't go breaking promises! PS. About the bullet hole in the wall. I'm not gonna ask. Just cover it with a call of duty poster or something. (Or you could always go with pokemon) xDD**

_**Reply -**_** Matt: Yep! That's the plan! : ) And yeah, I agree with you - confuzzilation or not, love is indeed love. Even if Angel is a maniac ^^ OH, and I'll go with pokemon before I'd go with call of duty XD have you seen the posters for that game? LAMEHOOD. XDD Oh yaeh, Angel's going to be thrilled, a pikachu poster right beside Sweeny Todd. XDD**

**Falling-Angel: (no pun intended with username) I'm not gonna ask about the bullet hole...but what about a poster? Or a painting or a picture? I dunno XD have fun working out what to do!**

_**Reply - **_**Matt: That might be fun! I wonder if angel likes painting…? I kind of doubt he does though xD oh wells!**

* * *

_Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matty Matt Matt Matty Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matty Matt Matt… _

I was surely going insane.

I've decided, after a warm and fuzzy night and a peaceful afternoon, I do not like being in love. I liked it for, like, twenty seconds. I liked it when I was with him, staring into his eyes, letting him hold me. I liked it when we finally decided to just go to bed early, and stayed up all night cuddling without really saying anything at all. I liked it the next morning when I woke up beside him and he whispered, "good morning, love" and then got up to make me chocolate chip waffles. I liked it when he drove me to school and we listened to Panic at the Disco too loud the entire way there.

But then I got _to school _and things got concerning.

_Matt Matt Matt Matty Matty Matty Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt MATT Matty Matt Matt Matt Matto Mattie Matty-kun, Mail, Mail Jeevas, Matt Jeevas, Mello Jeevas, Matt Matt Matty Matt…_

I wasn't thinking those words, while that _would _be concerning enough for me to be worrying. No. I was _writing _them, in the margins of what was supposedly math notes. The concern wasn't that I wasn't paying attention to Ms. Rem going on and on about Geometry, no. My concern was what I was doing _instead _of paying attention. Which was writing Matt's name in different ways over and over again. I was even using _loopy letters. _

Why I was doing it I couldn't place. I felt like a love struck little schoolgirl or something. Maybe that was all it was - giddiness that has been shoved down and smothered by pain and my fucked-up life for so long that, as soon as Matt cracked the barrier, it all just came gushing out. Maybe I was just being a child.

But maybe it was my obsessiveness. I tend to be obsessive, if you haven't noticed already. When I'm not obsessed with beating Near I'm obsessed with grades or my own Gabriel-induced miseries or with chocolate. And now, Matt was my obsession-victim.

Not that he didn't enjoy it, but I certainly wasn't.

_Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matteo Mattie Matty Matto Matt Matt…_

I spied Ms. Rem giving me a weird look from her place at the chalkboard, where she had been scratching down notes on it's surface, but then she only rolled her eyes and continued her scribblings. As if she knew how it was, that adult kind of 'those were the days' shrug.

I wondered, briefly, if she might be a romantic, like Matt.

Then I had to wonder if _I _was turning into a romantic, like Matt, and I scowled. I didn't want to become some dumbass romantic sparkle-boy, that wasn't my goal. Especially since Near was looking at me in the corner of his eye, or rather at my paper. He wasn't smirking or anything, or even trying to hide that he was looking, he was just staring. Like it was a totally normal thing to read the margins of someone else's notes.

Glowering, I flipped the loose-leaf over and started writing my notes on the other side, trying to pretend that my thoughts were about Geometry instead of redheaded gamers with cute smiles.

* * *

"Dude, what's up? You've been in a daze all day."

I blankly to the side to find Light Yagami leaning over his desk, as he always sat in Mr. Higuchi's Honors Biology class, running his hand absently through his hair as he spoke. We sat in the back of the class, luckily, which also happened to be as far as Mr. Higuchi as possible, thus as far away from being called 'Mihael' as well. Light always went by his real name, so he didn't have the problem, but he participated in the anti-Higuchi-name-game-war anyways, because he was friends with many of the alias-kids (me, L, B, A…) and it was just too fun to pass up. Misa sat with us as well, which was annoying, but she chatted with some girl named Ashley instead of us most of the time (when she wasn't tossing love-notes to Light anyways). We chatted a lot in this class, since we didn't know anyone else save for Near, who annoyingly sat in the very front like he always did despite his die-hard dislike for the instructor that I knew he had (he got this tiny twitch in his eye every time he was called 'Nate' or even worse 'Mister River').

"Meh. Not much," I replied, but without thinking my tone contradicted my words, coming out wistful and very school-girl-ish. Light seems to catch it, too, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Doesn't sound like 'not much'," he accuses, smirking at me. I'm eternally grateful that I haven't doodled anything stupid on my biology paper as he searches my presence for evidence with his eyes. "What's up, really?"

"Nothing," I snap, but I'm not very convincing.

Misa leans over and shoots us both a catty little smile, blue eyes twinkling. "Mello-Yellow is in loovvvveeee, that's it," she drawls, batting her eyelashes at me. I gasp, throwing an eraser at her, but it bounces harmlessly off of her shoulder as she turns away and giggles under her breath. Across the room, Mr. Higuchi glares at us.

Damn woman's intuition. May whoever invented it burn in hell.

Light gives me a look, and I must be blushing or something because he gives me one of _those _looks, _those _looks that say _I know exactly what's going on, and I'm going to smirk about it, because it's ridiculous. _I shoot him a glare as the smirk crawls across his face.

"In love, eh?" Light teases, his more totally-gay side peeking through a little as he reaches over to poke my shoulder, hazel-brown eyes glittering playfully for once. "It's the redhead, isn't it? Your butt-buddy from the bar?"

_Butt buddy? _I'm tempted to ask, but for fear of it's definition I don't. Instead, I let my own smirk slide onto my face, eyes narrowing in his direction. Slyly I slide forward towards his ear, as if to tell him a secret, and I see him grin in apprehensive. But instead of giving him an answer, I whisper, "Shut your fucking mouth or I'll tell everyone about _your _butt buddy, Sir Imagay."

He goes pale as I slip away, coyly going back to scribbling down Biology notes like it never happened. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see a few skater kids at the next table giving us half-interested looks, and one of my "fan girls" giving me huge glittery eyes as usual, along with the ever-hovering, forever-unattractive instructor lingering around the isle ways, just waiting for one of us to be too loud. Luckily, Light and I have mastered the art of whispering.

Or at least, I have.

"You wouldn't dare!" Light just about shouts in late reaction, giving me a death glare. At least, it would have been a death-glare, but the blush that came along with it kind of made it a lot less intimidating.

Mr. Higuchi, obviously hearing the brunette's outburst just as the rest of the class did, stormed over with this red, kind of puffy look on his face. "Light Yagami, do you _want _a detention, or are you going to shut your mouth and pay attention?" he demands, throwing his hand into the air to point at him. I hear a few kids snicker as the ever-the-golden-student brunette gives him an incredulous look, as if the older man had been speaking a foreign language.

Something overcomes me, and a grin splits my face, looking up at the both of them with a chuckle. "Heh-hey, Higuchi," I laugh under my breath. "That rhymed."

It's the teacher's turn to look incredulous, looking at me with bewilderment. I hear a muffled chuckle ripple through the classroom and I can't help the smile on my face, turning away from the teacher to hide my smile in my palms.

Mr. Higuchi sighs. "Mihael Keehl, the warning goes to you, also," he tells me. I nod to him in the most polite way possible, but I'm choking on my needless laughter, mostly because of the hot-tamale blush on Light's face when I look up again.

"Yes sir," I reply, but my tone is sarcastic without meaning to be.

Suddenly he's glaring at me, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. And then he says something weird. "And Mihael, a few other teachers and I have been meaning to speak to you about this," he begins, as if nobody else is listening (everyone is).

"About what?" I inquire, narrowing my eyes. In the back of my mind, I'm dreading that this is about Gabriel, or my family life, or something else drastic like that. Light scampers back to his seat at this, eager to get out of the lime light. Nobody gives him a second glance - everyone is staring at us.

Then he says something bewildering. "Mihael, we understand you are out of the closet with your… homosexuality…" he says the word Homosexuality like he's saying Pedophile "but this aside we would appreciate it if you would follow dress code."

The room freezes. I stare at him. I look at my clothes. Their my usual clothes, the usual leather pants and leather vest, the one that doesn't show midriff for school proposes. I look back up at him. He's giving me a serious look. Light has gone deathly pale. Near's staring at us with that usual dead look. The rest of the class is tense, apprehensive, and some even appalled.

Then I state the obvious. "Um, sir, this outfit," I begin, running my hand subconsciously along the vest and realizing I sound like Leon as I do, "No matter how blindingly fabulous looking it is, it's not against the school's dress code. I've checked. And I've worn these outfits since my freshmen year, so I would know if it was, even if I _hadn't _checked, _sir._"

He tenses. He gives me that fish-look. He searches for words.

And then I smirk, cutting him off before I can, and I add, "Oh. And my name is _Mello._"

* * *

"I don't care if you got detention, that was _kickass!_" Light announced as soon as we were on our way to the lunch table, laughing his slightly-scary laugh a bit too loudly and throwing his head back as he did. He looks truly put into hysterics by the ordeal. "The look on his face!"

I shrug, but secretly I'm a bit proud of myself. "Tch, he needs to be taught a lesson. He can't just push us around," I replied, shoving the pink detention slip into my pocket. I wonder, sometimes, what freak made the detention slips _pink. _It made them look so innocent, like their going to invite you to a little girl's birthday party instead of a nice little visit with principal Roger. Jerks.

When we reach lunch the table of gossip has turned. Everyone hates Mr. Higuchi, and though I hadn't thought of this whilst in the classroom, adding more fire to the semi-war with him was an instant fix to my school wide dislike. At least, it helped. It still didn't stop the usual homophobic glares and whispers, but at least the casual gossip that went around started to shift towards "Mello just kicked ass with Mr. Higuchi" instead of "Mello was making out with some redheaded guy at a bar".

Amazing how fast things change in high school.

"Misa-Misa thinks that Mr. Higuchi should go die somewhere," Misa muttered, angrily stabbing her disgusting-looking mystery-meat pasta with her plastic fork. She was really prissy today - I'm fairly sure she was PMSing, in her defense.

For once, L nodded in agreement with Misa, ripping open his pudding cup. "I do not wish death on our instructor, but he is quite a nuisance," he said. "It is unfair that you received a detention for defending yourself."

Everyone nodded their agreement at this (except for Near, who continued staring blankly at his puppet-things), Matsuda with an overly-dramatic scowl on his face. I had to smile, shrugging my shoulders and taking another bite of my chocolate cake before replying, "Yeah, I know, right?"

"Well, detention won't be so bad though," Light piped up, leaning subtly to the side and bumping shoulders with L. I'm not sure if it was on propose or not, but the raven-haired boy rolled his eyes in response. "I hear Ms. Rem is hosting detention today, so you should be fine. She hates Mr. Higuchi more than _we _do, and that's saying something."

I had to laugh, because it was true. Mr. Higuchi was always bothering her for help against the students he disliked, because she intimidated most of us (including me, admittedly) but she hated him for it. She wasn't ever one to want to unfairly bother students, or try to make us change how we were. Rem, god bless her, was one of the better teachers despite her strictness - she never argued about our weird habits, since all of us smarties at the school seemed to have one, what with the chocolate eating and the transformers and such. She never even questioned the aliases - in fact, she called us by our aliases as soon as we told her them, and never called us otherwise. SO I liked her for that. Weather or not she's so stubborn on that part because of her dislike for Higuchi or because she's simply that way is beyond me, but it's really none of my business _why. _

"Plus," B added casually through a bite of sandwich, "Ms. Rem is a lesbian. So she should understand why you acted this way."

I froze, turning to look at him with bewilderment. I wasn't the only one that seemed surprised by what he said - Misa went pale and made a fish-face of shock, Matsuda dropped his sandwich in surprise, and Light scowled in surprise. The only ones who didn't seem surprised by what he said were A, Near, and L.

"How do you know if she's a lesbian?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. Beyond chuckled, shaking his head and biting into his jam-filled sandwich, not bothering to reply.

"_Anyways_," Matsuda interrupted our awkward silence, letting a smile spread over his face. "Does anybody else but me wonder why Mr. Higuchi is a teacher, if he hates kids so much?"

And so the conversing changed to Mr. Higuchi again, but I wasn't quite listening. I had refocused on eating my cake, sinking into my own stupid-schoolgirl thoughts again. _I don't want to go to stupid detention… I'm going to have to call Matt and tell him not to pick me up. That sucks. I was hoping to go do something with him today… _I took a bite of cake, sighing quietly. _Maybe we'll do something later. Go back to that club. That was fun, wasn't it? In retrospect kind of ridiculous, but fun…_

"Mello? Helloooooo?"

I blinked to find a hand waving in front of my face, which happened to belong to B. I looked over to find him glowering at me, irritation obvious in his ruby eyes.

I grinned in fake innocence. "Oh, uh… what?" I asked, knowing I had totally zoned out. Beyond rolled his eyes, shaking his head in disapproval.

"You're such an airhead today," Light teased from across the room, shaking his head. I glared at him, grabbing my abandoned plastic spoon and tossing it at his head. It missed, but it did land in Misa's hair, which was good enough. The blonde squeaked in irritation, pulling it out and glaring at me, but I ignored her in favor of listening to what Beyond was saying.

"I was just asking if you were planning on making an appearance at the Spring Fling," B told me, giving me a curious look.

I shrug, thinking once again about Matt. I didn't want to go without him. Would he want to go to that? I didn't doubt it - he was up for pretty much anything I asked to do. Still, asking him to go with me could be a death-wish, considering the tense attitude of the student body towards me at the moment. I sighed. "I don't know. Maybe."

"I think you should," Misa chirped, grinning. "Bring your hottie boyfriend, too."

I blushed, glowering at her. It was so like her to obliviously bring up the very topic that was bothering me, with that stupid grin on her face. Dimly, I noticed that she hadn't eaten at all again, but I pushed the absent thought away. "And that would go _so _well," I muttered sarcastically, finishing off my cake as I did.

Misa shrugged. "Maybe it would. It'd be fun," she offered innocently. "_I'm_ going." Beside her Light shrunk a little, as if remembering that this meant _he _had to go as well.

To my surprise, A piped up, "I think you should bring Matt. I want to meet him." I blink and look over at him to find that his already usually wide blue eyes have grown, tainted with hopeful innocence. He briefly reminded me of a kitten or something, the expression on his face irresistible. I couldn't say no to _that. _

"…Tch…" I muttered dejectedly, resting my chin. "We'll probably come, I guess. Friday, right?"This earned a cheer from Matsu, Misa, A, and surprisingly Gevanni (who had been exceptionally quiet the entire time before this). Near continued to stare blankly as usual, though a flicker went through his dull eyes for the slightest second with something that could only be envy. Normally, Near being envious would make me feel very proud and cool, except that it wasn't something that I had done better. It was just something that the albino boy thought he could never have - happiness, a date, a dance, a life. That was just painful. So instead of grinning, I sighed.

At this point, I wasn't sure weather to be excited or dreading.

* * *

Detention was ridiculously boring.

There were only three people in detention other than me. A slacker kid who's name I had forgotten, here because he hadn't done his homework _again. _Some goth girl with too many piercings who's name was Amy or Abby or something like that, here because she had graffitied the back wall of the school. And then a rather innocent girl with the alias Opal, who was here because she had disobeyed dress code by wearing flip flops every day, and Mr. Higuchi snapped on her for it. I guess I was in the same boat with her, since I was in here for being 'disrespectful' to Mr. Higuchi. It was just me living by "eye for an eye" in my opinion, but then again teachers can give you detention for the most ridiculous things and nobody will ever question it. Ms. Rem hadn't even reprimanded us, though. She simply plopped us down in her classroom and told us to be quiet for the next hour, and that as long as we weren't talking we could pretty much do whatever we wanted. I was thankful for this - if any of us had done something major, she was the type that would have made us scrub the floor in the Choir room or something disgusting. I would know - I'd gotten detention for attempting to strangle Light last semester, and I'd been forced to grade all of her tests. Which had been torture, because the tests weren't just tests but _exams, _and you know how long those things are.

Goth-girl was sitting two seats away from me, and since Opal was reading some vampire-fiction novel and slacker-kid was asleep at his desk, she was the only one interesting to look at in my boredom. She was picking at her black-polished nails, an irritated look on her face. She reminded me of my old girlfriend, Darkfire, briefly, with the same dark hair and pale skin and similar clothing styles. The resemblance stopped there, though - this girl was scrawny and had lengthy limbs, along with brown eyes instead of blue ones.

I wasn't really sure why I was thinking of Darkfire at a time like this. Maybe I was just in this perpetual state of blank-headedness. It was quite possible - detention tended to do that to people.

Turning away from her I looked down at my hands. Wishing that I'd brought a book or something, but I hadn't, like an idiot I had left everything in my locker on the way here. The only thing I had available that would even be entertaining in the slightest was my cell phone, and with Ms. Rem and her eagle eyes about, texting wouldn't be an option. I would love to text Matt, though…

Damn, I was thinking bout Matt again. _Idiot. You obsessed, ridiculous idiot. _At least the thoughts were of him, though, and not…

… I couldn't focus on anything. There was nothing interesting to look at, past the Goth-girl who wasn't really as interesting as she first struck me to be, so my gaze automatically lingered towards the clock on the wall. Watching as the minutes ticked by.

I hadn't even been here ten minutes, and I was already ready to claw my own eyes out.

Maybe I would take the slacker's example and take a nap. I could probably use a nap.

Deciding on that I let out a final stretch in desperate attempt to make my back pop (it didn't) before resting my head on my folded arms, trying in vain to get comfortable on the desk before closing my eyes. Listening to the sound of Ms. Rem on her computer, the consistent clicking of a keyboard, and the miniscule tap-tap-tap of Goth-girl's fingernails on the table, the placid sounds of detention-ville.

_Run. _

_That's the only thing I could think of, the only word in my mind that made any sense at all. It was dark, so dark that I could barely see my hand in front of my face, but I knew where I was. I was in the cornfield, in the back of Uncle Bill's lot, shoving through the stalks that I could barely see through the blackness of the night, only feeling them as they whacked against my face and arms._

_The chill of the wind on my arms made me shiver as I picked up my pace, my footsteps making crunching sounds every time I moved. I wasn't the only pair of footsteps though - I could hear other footsteps, behind me, slowly growing louder. I couldn't go fast enough, I knew, and the footsteps would catch up to me eventually. But I wasn't about to let this knowledge slow me down, picking up my face and flying through the dead corn._

"_You really think you can get away that easily!"_

_The shout reverberated through the field, colder than the bitter wind that was gushing through the field, causing the plants around me to scrape together in their movement. I didn't look over my shoulder to see who was speaking, already knowing the answer. Speeding my pace I darted through the stalks, feeling myself tiring out much too fast as I tried in vain to escape through the field. My heart pounding in my chest as I raced forward, not knowing quite where I was going, unable to see more than a few feet in front of me for the darkness and the tallness of the plant around me._

"_Mihael, you bitch!"_

_At these words I stumbled, gasping as my boot caught on a root, sending me sprawling forward. The first thought that came to me as I made contact with the ground was "doomed". _

_I didn't have time to try and scramble to my feet, a large hand closing over my wrist before I got the chance. I screamed despite knowing it wouldn't help, jerking my head up to meet the eyes of my captor as he jerked me painfully to my feet, sending a spasm of pain in my shoulder._

_Blue eyes narrowed as they met mine, a deadly scowl on his face. "You thought you could outrun me, Mihael? You're such an idiot. Worthless," he whispered cruelly, fingers tightening around my wrist. He was holding my arm up too high, so that my toes only barely touched the ground. I didn't reply to him, didn't give him the victory of a response, instead averting my gaze to the side._

_He scoffed. "Coward," he taunted, throwing me down to the ground again. I didn't get up - it wouldn't make a difference I did, instead just laying on the ground. Feeling the crunchy grass beneath my hands._

_The next moments were a blur. I was aware that he had closed in on me, his hands pushing me down to the ground. I heard the screams, barely realizing that they were mine as his hands ripped my pants off of me. I hated myself for not wearing underwear, especially when he smirked and slapped my face when he discovered this. "You're such a whore," he told me menacingly, leaning forward so that I could hear his hot breath on my ear. "Worthless little slut."I choked out a strangled "no…" but the word was pointless. It didn't make any difference what I said at this point. He only laughed and jerked my legs backwards, forcing them apart. I didn't struggle. I couldn't explain why I didn't struggle, except that I knew it wouldn't make any difference if I did. I couldn't fight him. It was going to happen no matter what I tried._

_He smirked, not bothering with preparation as usual, and my vision blurred and went white with pain as I felt a ripping sensation southward, knowing that he had shoved into me, feeling his horrible length inside me. It wasn't a pleasurable feeling - it was only painful. I shrieked digging my nails into the grass at my sides, gasping for breath. He ignored me completely, not even bothering to give me time to adjust to the sensation before he began thrusting, slamming into me over and over again. Not bothering to search for a spot for pleasure, not touching me except to hold down my shoulders, ensuring that I wouldn't move away. Making disgusting, heated noises as he did, grunting and huffing above me. I was barely aware that the shrieking that was emitting through the field was me as my vision blurred out._

_The pain was unbearable. _

_My eyes wandered upwards, unable to bear looking at his face any longer, looking instead at the dead corn. And in the back of my mind, I realized that I was just like that. Not even myself anymore. Just an empty husk. _

_I found a spot in the sky, a single lingering cloud in the clear night sky, and I went to it. Soared upwards and crawled into the fluffy wisp, leaving my body behind for Gabriel do to whatever he wished with._

_When I came back into consciousness, my brother was gone. It was just me, the night sky, and the corn. Laying there, the pain racking through me, smelling the reek of my own blood missed with _his _semen, I couldn't cry. Despite the horrible gut-wrenching feeling, the disgusting grime I felt on me, the situation I was in… despite it all, I couldn't bring myself to feel. I had gone numb._

_Vaguely, looking at the corn husks above my head, I had to wonder which of us was more alive. After a while, I realized that I didn't know the answer._

When I woke up, I was in a cold sweat. And my hands were shaking.

I shot up into an upright position, breathing harshly as I did. Beside me, goth-girl glanced at me with semi-interest before looking away. Slacker boy was still asleep. Opal continued reading. Ms. Rem only spared me the barest of a glance from her computer. None of them mattered though. I could feel my fingers tingling, my entire body tense and jerky. I had to feel my legs, to make sure there was no blood there. I was almost surprised when my hands came back up dry.

"Ms. Rem, I need to use the restroom," I found myself saying, getting to my feet. The teacher only shrugged, waving me out, but even if she had argued I wouldn't have stopped my escape out the door. I needed to escape. That was the only thought that made sense in my mind - _run. _

I was in the men's restroom before I knew it, crashing through the door at unnecessary speeds, almost stumbling over myself as I did. I was grateful that nobody was inside to question it.

My fingers were tingling, so much that I could barely register them, as if they had fallen asleep. I felt so numb. I realized that I didn't have a knife, but it didn't matter. I didn't need a knife - that wasn't what I wanted, not this time.

I turned on the sink and began to scrub my hands.

"Mihael Keehl, please report back to detention."

I pretended not to hear the announcement. I pretended not to see the boys who came in with passes from the football practice that was after school today, giving me weird looks. I didn't have time to acknowledge them. I could only see myself in the mirror, looking the same as I did before. I could only see the icy cold water running over my hands.

I wasn't clean.

Countless minutes passed. It wasn't like me to skip out on detention, but I wasn't thinking of that now. I had washed away into my own memory, back to the days when I was clean.

"_Mello, you're such an idiot," Darkfire laughed, rolling her dark green eyes with contempt, red-stained lips curling into a catty smile as she glanced over at me. "You seriously use the sterilizer?"_

_"Yes! It kills 99.9% of germs," I told her in my scientifical voice, trying to keep the smile off my face. She gives me a bewildered look that's so hilarious, though, that I can't help but burst into laughter. "I'm kidding!"_

"_You better be," she replied teasingly, nudging her shoulder with mine. She's actually pretty small, now that I remember it – she was always the more dominant one in her relationships, despite her size, though. Her dark brown eyes danced pleasantly as she looked at me, as if trying to read my mind with the glance._

_We were sitting in the usual spot of the so called "punk group", which was really just a shaded little corner where everyone just leans against the wall and converses about various topics, usually along the lines of "god, the preps are so annoying" and "society sucks" sort of stuff. Lounging around doing nothing but talking, exchanging sketchbooks, sharing depressing poetry and morbid short-stories, and looking cool with our too-long-for-guys hair and too-short-for-girl's does and tight, black, hot-topic decked outfits. It sounds really ridiculous, but it's actually pretty enjoyable, being in that kind of group – I fit in, minus the fact that I had no artistic ability to speak of._

_I glance at the sterilizer on the wall – it was set up during an epidemic of flu in the school, when almost half the children had been out sick at once. I was one of the only ones who wasn't sick, and it was two weeks of nothing but bullshit worksheets and slacking off._

"_Hey, Darkfire?" I asked after a while, rolling my shoulders back and leaning to the side to get a better look at her again. Her jet-black hair falls partially over her face as she glances up at me, her eyes questioning – her hand keeps fiddling with the hem of her plaid skirt. I frown thoughtfully, tapping my lip with one gloved hand. "I have to wonder – what's the 0.1% of germs that disinfectant liquid CAN'T kill?"_

_Darkfire blinks in surprise, seeming to ponder this for a moment. Then she laughed. "Super germs!" _

"_Super germs?" I cried in amusement, bursting into a fit of laughter at the thought. She starts laughing too, and in the back of my mind I note that her laugh is still somehow more "manly" than my giggle. It bothered me, then, but I decided not to care, laughing along with her at the thought. "I'd hate to get whatever disease those cause, eh?"_

_"Hah. Who knows," Darkfire stops laughing abruptly, a deep kind of look coming into her eyes, her voice going from amused to wistful out of nowhere. She leans back and sighs, her head resting ever so slightly on my shoulder. "Maybe the super germs are what causes lovesickness?"_

_I pause for a moment to smile softly at the idea. It really is a lovely idea. "I don't know, Darkie," I replied softly after a moment, using my pet name for her as I brush my hand subconsciously through her frizzy hair. "Maybe your right."_

_Darkfire's smile is gone now, and she closes her eyes, letting out a sigh. "You know, though, Mello…" her voice trails off and catches a certain edge, forehead pressing more into my shoulder for comfort and support as she continues, her voice so quiet it's almost inaudible, "Sometimes I wish there _was_ a cure for that."_

* * *

"Mello, I am speaking to you. Listen."

I'm dimly aware that someone has said my name, but my eyes are trained on my hands. It isn't enough, just to do my hands, I realize as I scrub them down. It isn't enough – my entire body is dirty. I should have washed better when I had the chance, but now I only have this sink, and it's too late now – not even my hands will come clean now.

"Mello, _respond, _or I'll make you respond."

I don't quite register what the voice is saying, not daring to look up from my hands, squirting more of the pinkish soap onto my hands and scrubbing them against my nasty skin. The voice did not lie. A hand strikes me across the face, startling me out of my daze. I squeaked in surprise, whipping around and throwing my soapy hands in front of my face to defend myself. The action is pointless, though – it's only L staring back at me, a blank look in his dark eyes.

"What have you been doing in here, Mello?" L whispers, moving forward as if to touch me. I leap away from him, a trickle of panic making its way through my daze. What _was _I doing here? I couldn't even remember, but I needed to get back to washing my hands.

When L moves to grab me again I step back in response. "I'm not clean, Lawli," I warn him, staring at his spindly fingers with worry. "You shouldn't touch me, you could him on you."

"Mello, you are being irrational, you have been washing your hands for almost an hour now. You are clean," the raven-haired boy told me, sounding irritated as he made another grab for me. I dodge around him, making another bolt for the sink – my hands are trembling. _Not clean, not clean, not clean._

L watches me in something close to awe as I go back to the sink, scrubbing away at my hands again. The daze is starting to lift in my mind, my rational thought slowly draining back into my mind, but not fast enough to stop me from continuing my trance-ridden cleaning. My hands are red and raw from scrubbing, and are starting to wrinkle at their tips, like raisins.

I don't care. I still feel nasty.

"Mello, I warn you now – if you do not clear your mind and respond properly to me, I will be forced to take action," L tells me gently, reaching forward as if to touch my shoulder. I shrug him off, irritated by his insistency – didn't he know I was busy?

The scrubbing has become panicky now, my fingernails digging at the invisible grime there. It wouldn't go away, the sticky, disgusting feeling. It's all over my body, but especially bad on my hands. I can almost hear Gabriel laughing at me, his adult, roaring laughter mixed with his childish giggles in my mind. Taunting me.

I continue scrubbing until the hand comes down on my neck and I black out.

* * *

When I woke up again, my head was spinning. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes – even with them closed the florescent light above me was burning my eyes. That, accompanied by the dull ache in the back of my neck, was enough to make me not want to open my eyes and return to life quite yet. So instead I squeezed them tighter shut, willing myself back into the dreamless sleep. Wondering why in the world my hands felt so sore, and how I had ended up in such a comfy bed.

I also wondered, dimly, who the whisperers were.

"Is he okay…" came a nervous little whisper, soft and unhappy. I recognize the voice, in the back of my mind, but the name refuses to surface. Everything seems drowned out in my mind. Everything sounds like I'm underwater, the voices registering in my mind slower than usual.

"I assure you that he is alright," came a monotonous voice, blunt and frank. Yet despite his bluntness, I can hear the sliver of worry that shines through in his voice as he added, "Physically, that is."

There was a pause. Then, "So, I've heard enough about you to guess you've figured it out." It was the first voice who said that, softly and certainly. I'm guessing that voice two must have nodded, because the first continues, "I figured."

"Hm. You are a smart boy," the monotonous voice muttered. There was an addictive, hearty laugh that I recognized after that, and in my mind a name blinked to the surface in response. _Matt. _

"That's what they all tell me," Matt mused. Then his tone faded to a worried, protective kind of soberness. "So what made you chop him in the neck like that?"

There was a sigh, and slowly I come to recognize that this second voice must be L. "He was scrubbing his hands raw. I believe this is in response to being a rape victim." There was a pause, and for a moment i hope that the conversation is over, so I can return to my fuzzy sleep, but this is not he case. "I know that you are worried about him, Matt, but there is nothing we can do at this point. He needs to get help."

"He doesn't want help," Matt replied shakily, and there's a whump that makes me assume he's sat down. "Mells, he's… a fighter. He won't accept our help. He made me promise not to do anything about Gabriel."

There's a shaky pause, and I suck in a painful breath at the mention of my brother. There's a shuffling, which I assume is L's ever-moving feet, before he spoke again.

"Gabriel…?" he inquired. His voice was uncertain. "Is he the man who did this?"

_So he didn't get that far. _I let out a shuddering sigh that I wondered if they heard, wishing that my consciousness wasn't coming back at a time like this, but the fog was fading. I was in the nurses office, I must have been. L had sent me here. I was scrubbing my hands… why? I was in such a good mood before. I should be happy… I had Matt now, I loved him. But all I was able to do was torture myself, make myself miserable.

_What's wrong with me?_

Neither of the two seemed to notice that I was awake, continuing their conversation. I found myself listening in, pretending to be asleep so that I could hear what they were saying. They were talking about me, anyway - it was my right to know.

"Yeah…" Matt muttered. Then he sighed. "I wasn't suppose to tell you."

"And I am not suppose to hurt my friends, but I have done so anyway," L replied simply, voice tainted just slightly with sadness. I wondered in the back of my mind if it was only me he was talking about.

Matt laughed humorously. "I guess so." Then another sigh. It made me a bit sad that I caused him to sigh so much, but I didn't voice my condolences. Then he added, "You have to respect the promise too, you know. You can't tell anybody about this."

"Hm? And what will stop me if I do?" L challenged, his voice quizzical.

Matt didn't hesitate in his reply. "Your own conscience, if you do indeed have one," he replied coldly. I heard another sigh, but this time it was from L.

"I suppose you are correct," the raven-haired man muttered, "But what will you do? You love Mello, don't you?" There was a pause, and I have to assume that Matt nodded. "The question, Matt, is weather you love him enough to save him, even if it means it means he will hate you."

At these words the room went still, silent but for the continuous sound of my own breathing until, finally, I fell into another dreamless sleep. Praying, in the back of my mind, that all of this was just another false memory, knowing all the same that it wasn't; letting the last fleeting memories pass through my mind almost unnoticed.

_This is all my fault. _

_**A/N: Psh. This chapter sucks. Sorry. -_-**_


	27. Chapter 27

If there was anything I didn't expect to wake up to, it was shouting.

And yet.

The noise was loud and unintelligible, followed by a loud crash, causing my eyes to fly open. I barely registered that I was back at the apartment before I leaped out of bed, almost tripping over a pile of tangled clothes on the floor in my race out of the room.

The apartment was still dark, none of the lights lit as I ran barefoot into the living room, my heart pounding in a panic in my chest.

The first thing I saw was Matt.

He was standing at the door, shouting something at the top of his lungs. It occurred to me that he was speaking French, which I understood because I was fluent thanks to too many classes. _"Screw you! Leave me the hell alone, you bitch!" _The profanity shocked me, and I found myself frozen in the doorway of the living room, watching him.

That's when I realized there was screeching coming from outside as well, also in French, high pitched and infuriated. "_Don't you speak to me that way, Mail! Let me in this instant! I know you have it!"_

"Damn it… _get out, you jerk! I hate you!_" Matt screamed, slamming his fist against the door before spinning around. He didn't notice me at first, but I noticed him, and when I saw his face my heart stopped beating for a shocked moment. His eyes were red and puffy, a dim, angry blush scattered over his freckled cheeks, accompanied only by the tears that were rolling down his face. His eyes, even behind he goggles, read one emotion clear as day: _miserable._

"Matt?" I found myself squeaking. My voice sounded alien to me, echoing through the darkness. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard that I could hear it in my ears as he looked up at me, his eyes wide behind his goggles, which were starting to fog up. As soon as he saw me he ripped his goggles off, attempting I in vain to wipe the tears away on his sleeve.

Before either of us could say anything, the screaming from outside the door started up again. _"Don't you fucking ignore me, you son of a bitch! You owe me! You owe me, dammit!" _I didn't recognize the voice outside the door, but it was youthful and female by the sound of it.

"Matt?" I tried again, my voice quivering. He didn't reply, only shaking his head and hurrying towards me, ignoring the voice and it's demands. I didn't object when he threw his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. The confused fear that's building inside of me only grows when I realize he's trembling; I pull my arms around his waist and hug him even closer, not understanding the situation except that he's in pain, and that I want to make it go away.

The screeching outside the door doesn't cease, but I manage to ignore it, nuzzling my cheek into his shoulder. Peeking up at him from the corner of my eye, I can see that he's still crying. All of this sudden panic, and I think I might just start crying, too.

"_You know what, fuck you! Fuck you, you faggot! Don't think this is over!" _the voice screeches after a while, and I hear angry footsteps stomp away, down the hallway outside. Even after the voice is gone Matt and I stand there, holding each other in this turmoil-filled moment. I don't know how to react. One moment I was a love-sick highschooler, the next I was spiraling down and scrubbing my hands into raisins, the next there was _that conversation, _and then I wake up again and… _this? _

"I'm sorry, Mello," he whispered, pulling away from me. His expression is soft and unhappy; I can tell that he was hoping I wouldn't wake up. I was starting to wish I hadn't either, but I didn't let him know that, lifting my hand to brush the hair away from his eyes.

"Who was that, Matt?" I murmur, trying to keep my voice comforting rather than demanding. I had a million questions I waned to ask: _Who was that girl? What does she want with you? What is it that you have that she wanted? How did I even get to the apartment? Where did you learn French? _I didn't speak them though, staring into his worried green eyes and waiting patiently as possible for an answer.

Finally, he sighed, closing his eyes. "That was my sister." My eyes widen in surprise. From the pictures he'd shown me, I hadn't judged her to be that violent at all. He shrugged, seeing my expression. "Yeah. She was drunk, I think."

"I can see why you hate her," I replied absently, resting my chin on his chest and looking up at him, curling my fingers in the back of his shirt. He smiled a little, but I can tell it's forced. "Matty, why was she here?" I question, a little more insistent this time.

He doesn't hesitate to answer me this time. "Oh, I have… this," he says slowly, turning away and hurrying over to the desk. I'm shocked when he pulls out a little black box, popping it open and pulling out a ring. I watch carefully as a little smile graces his lips, staring at the jewelry in his hands. It's definitely an engagement ring by the look of it, with a good-sized diamond situated on it's golden surface. I couldn't bring myself to speak, breathless at the sight of it.

Finally, I find words to say. "It's beautiful, Matt," I whispered, bewildered and awed all at once. He shrugged his shoulders, closing his fist around the treasure.

"Yeah. It's my moms," he told me quietly. When I gave him a bewildered look, he shook his head. "it was her… her first one. The one from my… dad. My real one."

It strikes me that he'd never mentioned his actual father before this, only that Mark guy. From the look in his eyes, there's something to that beyond forgetting, his eyes starting to fog up miserably. Unconsciously I shift to one side, reaching out to touch my fingertips to his cheek. He blinks and looks up at me, as if he were in another world before the touch and was just remembering I was there.

He doesn't give me a chance to tell him that he doesn't need to say anything, because he's already saying it. "My parents met in high school. They were crazy in love, too, and got engaged before they graduated. My mom…" he paused his whisper, shaking his head as if in attempt not to break down and cry. "My mom told him they had to wait to get married, until they were graduated. And so they did, except… right after that she got pregnant. With me."

"Oh…" I reply stupidly, unsure what else to say. He shrugs pathetically, opening his fist to peer at the ring again. The dim light from the cracked window reflects off of it, leaving a tiny reflection on my wrist.

He smiles faintly. "They never did get a marriage ceremony. They decided they would wait… until I was born… except that they got so busy with collage and things. They were still in love and all, and we had a little house…" he scoffs, seemingly irritated with himself for tearing up. "I loved my dad. He had my hair. But then, when I was two… he got in a car crash and died."

I stare at him, mouth half-open, unable to make words of comfort come. Unable to say what I was thinking. _So your father is dead too._

He sighed and continued anyway. "My mom went through this weird faze for about two months… she put all of the pictures of him and all of his clothes in this giant chest and… just shoved it in the closet to collect dust. Like she was pretending he didn't exist. Except she wasn't, because…" he smiled a little. "Because every night, when I snuck into my mom's room, she'd have her engagement ring. And she'd hold it in her hand and whisper sweet nothings to it, like she was talking directly to my dad. It was…." he choked up a little. "It was really beautiful. I thought…" he laughed a little. "I thought my mom would do that forever, but I guess she doesn't anymore.

"Anyway… that's why the ring's so special. I know its stealing, but… Mom didn't even notice when I stole it two years ago. And anyway… even though Kate noticed, if I hand it over now, she'll probably just sell it, or shove it in that… that stupid box…" he closes his eyes, taking in another shuddering breath. "I couldn't take that."

I can't find words even now, actions coming much easier. I throw my arms around him, pressing my forehead to his and squeezing my eyes shut, holding him just close enough to brush against. He goes tense against me, his fist closing once again over the engagement ring, letting out a little shiver.

"I'm so sorry Matt," I whisper after a while, opening my eyes again. Eye to eye with him, I find myself smothered by the greenness of his watery eyes.

"It's not your fault," he replied quietly, the hand not holding the ring coming around my waist and rubbing my back. "You don't have to worry…" The way he was holding me and whispering to me, it was almost as if I were the one with the problem, who needed comfort, and not him.

"Everything is just so messed up," I mutter, pulling away just slightly, so that our foreheads are no longer pressed together. He smiled at me, but it wasn't a happy smile. A kind of miserable kind of smile, contradicted by the tears in his eyes. Looking at him, it takes me a moment to realize that I'm crying, too.

"We'll be alright, Mells. I promise," he whispered, gently kissing the tears off of my cheeks. The promise only makes the tears come faster, and I find myself crumpling in his arms, collapsing into a fit of sobs.

"It's not fair, Matt," I wailed, burying my face in the crook of his neck and sobbing, no longer caring. Not caring that I seem weak and pathetic, because I'm in his arms and he's the one who will never judge me. Not caring that I'm going to stain his shirt with tears, because he won't be angry about it.

"Shhh…." he whispered gently, though the comfort of the words are contradicted by his own tears, dripping and leaving little dots of warmth on my head.

"I-it's s-so u-u-unf-fair…" I sobbed, digging my fingernails into the back of his arm for support. "W-wh-why… why us! Why… why d-does everything… everything…." I can't complete my sentence but he seems to understand, hugging me tighter still.

"It's okay, Mells. You don't have to worry," he told me quietly, resting his lips on the top of my head and speaking against them, his voice gentle and compassionate. "It's my problem, alright? You don't have to get worked up over it, it's okay… You shouldn't let my issues upset you so much…"

I shuddered, moving away from him and throwing my head back into another chain of sobs involuntarily. The warm tears are falling down my cheeks even more now, and I have to struggle to breath through the choking sobs. "N-no! St-stupid!" I cried, eyes squeezing shut in failed attempt to stop the tears. "I c-cant help it! I love you t-too much!"

Having gotten those words out I collapse into a weeping mess in his lap, arms wrapping around his waist and burying my face into his stomach, crying there and ignoring the fact that he's gone tense. Just crying and letting all the pent up emotions spill out, mourning for us. For Matt, for me, for everything.

Suddenly his grip on my retightens, pulling me off of his lap. At first I'm afraid he's pushing me away, but of course he isn't, instead bringing me up to face him. His green eyes are no longer filled with tears, instead wide as disks. I can't quite read his expression, somewhere between awe, disbelief, and enlightenment.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" he whispered, green eyes flickering with uncertainty. I look back at him, bewildered by how he's acting, as if the entire situation before had been forgotten.

Sniffling, I frown at him. "W-what do you mean?" I whispered, reviewing what I'd said moments ago. I realize it before he gets the chance to say anything, though, remembering what I'd said. _I love you too much. _I hadn't even thought about it before I said it - it was true, but I'd never said it before. I hadn't paused to taste the words on my tongue, to wallow in what they meant.

Before he can speak I lean forward, pressing my lips against his to silence him. Trying to, in this motion, make him understand that I had said it, that I meant it. That I was sure, now, that I'd _been_ sure.

He hesitates only a moment before kissing me back, arms coming around my back and pulling me closer. The kiss only lasts for a moment, but it's breathtaking, my heart soaring even as he pulls away, his green eyes no longer wide, instead softened and relieved.

"I love you," I repeated breathlessly, the words feeling strangely perfect in my mouth and sounding almost as perfect as his reply to my ears.

"I love you too," he murmured, brushing my hair away from my face. I can't help but smile up at him, the tears in my eyes dried up at last. Then, suddenly, he chuckles, shaking his head. "Our lives are so bipolar."

"Tell me about it," I giggle, nuzzling my face into his chest with a grin. _Welcome back, lovesick-school-girl-Mello. _The thought was slightly sickening, but I decided I liked this version of me better than emo-Mello and panicky-Mello and melodramatic-Mello (ha-ha, pun… ha… okay never mind, god).

Suddenly I feel his hand grip mine, lacing his fingers through mine. There's a coldness between our palms, and when I glance downwards, I realize it's the ring, pressed between our hands, the faintest twinkle of the diamond there glinting back at me. When I look back up at Matt, he's looking at me with that look. That look that makes me feel perfect, because I can tell that's exactly what he thinks. A look so warm that it makes me feel fuzzy inside, despite any attempt to hold on to my pride as a man. A look that shows he loves me, without him even having to say it.

I hope I'm giving him the same look as I smile up at him, for a moment letting all of our troubles slide away, replaced by the intense greenness of his emerald eyes.

Yet all the while, deep down, I knew it wouldn't last.

_**A/N: This was so fluffy it almost choked me. So I had to end it with an emo foreshadow. YAY! 8'D I'm sure you all love me now, right? Exactly. Anyways I would love some theories as to what you think is going to happen, though you don't have to XD I already have everything planned out, so nothing you say will effect what actually happens, but none the less. Heartburn is, indeed, coming to it's end, but there are still plenaty of chapters left to keep me busy for a little while -_- I was hoping to end this by the end of my school year, but considering my year ends next Thursday, that isn't going to happen. Oh well. XD Anyways, be happy for this extra chapter :P even if it's short and ridiculously fluffy!**_

_**P.S. sifomofn. If you can understand that, then comment with what it says and you win a virtual chocolate-chip cookie. If not, well, thanks for playing, but you loose. So gtfo XD**_


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Changed the summary. Is it better? XD I think it is, though it's quite vague now XD Anyways I'm sorry haven't updated in like FOREVER, I've been having writers block and have been busy with other stuff. But now I'm back and hopefully my updates will be more steady, but probably not as frequent as they used to be. Sorry. **

My eyes fluttered open the next morning to find that it was still much too early. Only the first dim rays of sunlight were peeking over the horizon through the window, the quiet melody of the crickets outside meeting my ears, telling tales of an early rise. But I didn't mind waking up that morning, because the place where I found myself was a good one. Curled against Matt, that is, him spooning me and holding me close, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Breathing in, I caught whiff of his scent, the usual mix of Old Spice, detergent, and ash tray, along with an indescribable scent that was simply _Matt. _

Matt.

I sighed, twisting my body in order to nuzzle my nose against the crook of his neck. The position was awkward, but it was worth it when he let out a contented, sleepy little 'hmmm'. _Cute._

"Humm… good morning, love," Matt murmured drowsily, blinking his eyes open. I felt a soft smile grace my lips as I twisted around completely, so that I was facing him. "Did you sleep well?" he inquired after a moment, scooting forward to kiss me on the nose. Much in ruin of the moment, I sneezed in response, wrinkling my nose in disgust with myself. But he only laughed it off. At the sound of his chortling laughter I couldn't help but grin, hiding my face in his shirt.

"I guess so," I murmured into the striped fabric, trying my best to be discreet about smelling him as I breathed. I doubt he'd have cared if he noticed, though. "I didn't really dream," I added, secretly relieved for this, since most of my dreams tended to end up as nightmares.

Matt chuckled knowingly, brushing his hand through my hair with tender gentleness, making me sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smiling wistfully, a tiny dust of blush on his cheeks. Turning slightly so that I could see him better, I inquired, "What did _you _dream?"

His eyes were warm and glowing at the question, and he leaned over, kissing my ear gently so that I could feel his warm breath tickling my cheek. "I was dreaming of you, like every night," he whispered, his lips smiling against my earlobe.

At this I scowled, wiggling away just enough to face him and giving him a stern look. "Bullshit," I inform him, shaking my head. I couldn't help but feel the mild blush on my cheeks though, even as I said this. "You can't control what you dream, stupid."

He laughed, eyes twinkling impishly. "Alright, you caught me," he admitted cheerfully, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head, far enough that I heard his back crack quietly. "I also dreamed about mushrooms… and Canada."

I quirked an eyebrow at him, frowning deeply. "Canada?" I questioned.

Matt nodded. "Yeah, Canada. That's where I'm from," he explained, giving me a rather quizzical look. I stared back, taking in this knowledge. _Canada? I guess he does sort of have that accent… and he speaks French, which is common there… I'm not sure how in the world I never figured that before. Guess I'm not as inquisitive as I thought I was… _Matt frowned, tilting his head the tiniest degree to the side. "Did… did I never tell you that before?" he inquired, breaking off my wandering train of thought.

I blinked, shaking my head. "Nope," I replied a bit disappointedly, wishing I had known earlier. Then I added, shrugging my shoulders, "Then again, what do you expect? I've only known you for, what, about a week?"

I hadn't meant this in a bad way at all, but as soon as it escapes my lips I find myself regretting it. Matt's face falls, looking quite a bit torn up inside. "Only that long… it seems like so much longer…" he murmured, scooting backwards to lean his back on the bedpost, a haunted kind of look in his eyes. I blink, scooting closer and instinctively placing my palm on his knee, trying silently to let him know that the amount of time didn't matter. That I loved him no matter how short our time together had been. Could he not see that in my eyes?

Suddenly his head pops to the side, eyes glimmering with some unreadable emotion. "English isn't my first language. It's French. I'm French-Canadian. My mother was from France, and my father was from Detroit. Mark's from Canada."

I blinked, jolted a bit by his sudden outburst. "Huh?"

"Now you know," he explained, shrugging his shoulders with a tiny smile on his lips, arm finding it's way around my waist and pulling me closer. I smiled, catching on a bit as I wriggled closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"English is my first language, but I know German fluently, along with most French, Spanish, and a little Chinese and Latin," I tell him, grinning. "My mom's lived in America all her life, but her mom was German, so that's why she speaks it so much. I'm pretty sure my dad was from Russia, and my uncle Bill, the ugly bastard, was from Germany too."

Matt smiled gently at me, taking his turn again. "Okay let's see…" he beguines thoughtfully, looking up at the ceiling, and we start to take turns exchanging facts.

Apparently he's a gamer/hacker/geek even more than I thought (to the point of actually going to _conventions _for it), unreligious but not closed-minded, can make a bomb out of every-day household materials, hacked the FBI at one point in seventh grade (and I can't even make a desktop turn off correctly…woe is me!), and prefers sour to sweet, along with several other pointless facts pertaining to his life that I probably could have gone without knowing forever and not really made a difference. Yet I couldn't help but feel grateful that I knew none the less.

He was going on wistfully about how he hated the sound of wet sneakers in the hallways when I spotted the clock over his shoulder. Sure enough, it was time to get up and get ready, that or risk being late for school. Ms. Rem didn't appreciate tardiness well, so I wouldn't want to risk that. Groaning I flip over, landing with a 'whump' face first onto Matt's stomach. The redhead gasped in surprise, his rambling cut off abruptly.

"What the heck?" he laughed, ruffling my hair. I groaned in response, burying my face further in his inexplicably muscled stomach, not having much leverage there at all but still managing to partially suffocate myself in the loose striped cloth separating my nose from his tummy.

"I don't want to go to school, that's what!" I grumbled, punching the mattress limply with one hand. He only continued to laugh at this, and I could feel the vibrations of the sound on his stomach and chest against my forehead, making me smile in response despite the ugly face of _school _rearing it's ugly head in my near future.

"Come on, love, you can't loose your number two spot," he reminded me affectionately, ruffling my blonde hair. At this I only scoffed.

"I'm not worried about loosing _that _spot," I grumbled, getting up again and running my hands through my hair before hopping off the mattress. When he gave me a puzzled look, I sighed. "I'm not worried about _sustaining, _I'm worried about _obtaining. _I don't want number two, Matt, I want number _one,_" I explained.

"Competitive, are we?" Matt teased, stretching and hopping out of bed himself. I find myself staring for just a second as he lifts his arms above his head, muscles rippling just slightly at the flex.

I smirked, brushing my bed-head hair over my shoulder before spinning on my heel to head for the bathroom, chuckling a bit snidely. "_Exactly. _You understand me so well, darling!"

Matt laughed full-heartedly, prancing off to his closet to change. He was acting unusually bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for this early in the morning. I supposed it was my fault, though I felt quite full of myself for thinking so. Not that I'm not full of myself on a regular basis, but… you catch my point either way.

After the usual morning routine - brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, struggling to pull tight leather pants onto butt, brushing hair again, stealing Willy Wonka T-shirt from Matt to wear under black leather jacket, brushing hair again, tying the millions of laces on my combat boots, brushing hair again, dragging Matt around in order to make sure he was fully ready, brushing hair a final time, grabbing backpack, ect. - I found myself waiting at the door, Matt throwing the remainder of his supplies into his book bag.

"Hurry up, Matty, I'm going to be late!" I complained, only half kidding, waving my arm in the air towards the clock in demonstration. Matt only laughed, struggling to force his converse onto his foot without untying it. When he finally accomplished this he raced out the door to follow me.

I decided not to tell him he was wearing two different shoes. He could find out on his own.

Hopping into Matt's car I settle into the seat, pulling my book bag onto my lap. As Matt is climbing in I unzip the front pocket, hastily pulling out my Geometry textbook.

The redhead beside me raises an eyebrow as I flip to the accurate page, giving me a quizzical look. "You forget to do homework or something?" he inquired, putting the key in the ignition absently. He didn't even look at the road as he pulled out of the driveway, instead looking over to study me; I was beyond worrying about that by now, since he had proved to be a near-perfect driver, even when he seemingly paid no attention what-so-ever to the road.

"No, stupid, I never forget things like that," I scoffed, shaking my head. _How ridiculous. _Matt gives me an incredulous look as I continue, eyes never leaving their studying of the words on the page, "I'm studying for the Geometry test."

"Oh. Is it today?" Matt inquired, glancing at the road as we pulled into another red light. I rolled my eyes.

"You don't study much, do you?" I questioned dryly. Judging by the blank look he gave me, the answer was yes, so I simply continued, "No, it's not, it's next Tuesday. I like being prepared."

"Tch. I'm dating a nerd," Matt chuckled, turning his attention back to the road with a large, goofy grin on his face. I flashed him a glare over my textbook, and he laughed, shaking his head. "A really sexy, badass nerd," he added as a quick save, flashing me an irresistible smile.

I scowled, going back to studying. Let me tell you, I love to learn, but I _hate _Geometry. I'm not bad at it or anything, actually I can do it in my head without a calculator, but it's boring. No action, no plot, and more importantly, nothing that's a true challenge.

I had almost finished re-reviewing the first section when Matt turned to me again. "Can't you just study this weekend?" he inquired.

"Well we're busy Friday, and I hate doing weekends," I replied absently, turning the page. I saw Matt frown deeply in the corner of my eyes, eyebrows scrunching together in concentration.

After a minute he seemed to give up on what he was trying to figure out, sighing. "What are we doing Friday?" he asked, sounding very confused. I blinked, pausing my studying. I hadn't told him about the dance, had I? Feeling very much like a total idiot, I sighed, nodding.

"I almost forgot to tell you," I laughed, shaking my head and pulling a flyer out of my backpack, which had previously been shoved between an overstuffed binder and my English book. "There's, um, this," I continued awkwardly, tossing it at him.

He caught it just barely with one hand, waving it around distinctly in order to unwrinkled it. I watched his expression carefully as his eyes scrolled over the words there, and inwardly cursed myself for not just telling him about it about it out loud instead, since it was a bit awkward, what with the frilly advertising and the words at the bottom that read "GIRLS CHOICE!" in excited hot-pink lettering. Inwardly I was extremely relieved when a smile split his face, looking genuinely pleased.

"A dance, huh?" he chuckled, tossing the paper back to me. I neglected to catch the stupid thing, though (too many Jade-induced memories that I had been avoiding for a while and would have liked to keep that way) letting it flutter instead to the floorboards. When he glanced over at me, I nodded, shrugging a shoulder nonchalantly. He grinned, and I could see his eyes twinkle dimly beneath the orange lenses of the goggles. "Seriously?"

I scowled at him, annoyed that he sounded so amused. "Yes, _seriously._" I grumbled, then shrugged my shoulders and added, as an afterthought, "...well, A convinced me to come with you; apparently everyone's dying to meet you." At this, Matt grinned. "Oh, and there's a bunch of fangirls that will rebel if we don't, so..." I shrugged again, trying my best to hold back a smirk. At this, Matt looked bemused.

"Fangirls?" Matt inquired.

"According to Beyond, a whole hoard of them, about twenty-four or so," I replied blandly, shaking my head as I remembered. There were a good deal of girls with Jade's "beautifully-crafted" posters hanging in their lockers. In fact, the girl two lockers down had - I had to smile when I saw it though, because she'd scribbled out the last word with mega-sharpie and replaced it with "**LOOKS LIKE MELLO IS… SEXIER THAN WE THOUGHT**!" in loopy letters. It was scary, but somewhat satisfying somehow, knowing that, at least to a minority (majority?) I was accepted, even if it was a bunch of fan girl-stalkers.

"Damn. Your school's different from mine…" Matt muttered whimsically, shaking his head in bewilderment. I was almost surprised as when I looked up we were in my school's parking lot, a dim trickle of something between dread and anticipation going down my spine. He smiled dimly as I looked back up at him, a distant look in his eyes. "My school's… well, let's just say I certainly didn't go to any dances."

I felt a smile whisper across my lips. "Oh, Matty," I sighed, leaning over and landing a peck of a kiss on his cheek. "Don't worry so much," I murmured, keeping my lips grazing his freckled face, feeling the warmth start to radiate embarrassedly from his cheeks, despite the pleased smile on his lips. "It doesn't matter what people think. Come to the dance. We'll have fun, I promise," I assured him quietly. Though really, I wasn't a hundred percent sure if I was convincing him or myself.

Matt laughed, twisting his head so that he could kiss me fully, but it was chaste and short before he pulled away, smirking. "Alright, Spring Fling it is," he replied cheerfully. Then, with a wink, he added, "I can't say no after all. It is… _girl'_s choice."

I gasped, and smacked him over the head in half-hearted fury before kicking the door open and storming away, his hysterical laughter following me to the door.

"Dammit," I muttered, crumpling the paper in my fist angrily. I could feel eyes on me as I stared furiously at the balled ranking sheet in my hand, my fist trembling just slightly. I had almost forgotten about the quiz I'd taken a few days back, but now that I had the grade, it seemed overwhelmingly important.

Near had beaten me, and all because I forgot to write my name at the top of the quiz. Not because my math skills were imperfect, not because of my actual _intellect, _but because I was too focused on the important things (the math) to worry about the little things, like my name.

I ignore Ms. Rem as she goes in on another lesson, chucking the paper through the air and watching it as it bounces off the edge of the recycling bin, wobbling on the edge before slipping into the basket. As my focus released from the recycling I found it falling on Jade incidentally.

The brunette was watching me with a blank look, her brown hair falling partially over her face, obscuring her soft green eyes. Slender fingers were holding her chin up lazily, her mousy brown hair falling to the side and swaying there, leaving a shadow over her neck and part of her face. She was watching me in such a distracted fashion that I doubted she even knew I was looking back until I met her eyes. Without really meaning to I narrowed my eyes. I guess I must have looked pretty scary, because she squeaked rather loudly and jerked her head away, face burning as she glared back at the chalk board, slim hands slamming back to the desk to clutch her notebook. She got a few glances, but the majority of the people were already scribbling down notes.

Sighing, I did the same, not wanting to fall behind despite my irritated mood. Still, though I was easily taking the notes and already understanding everything she said, I felt very distracted. Jade confused me. She was the last girl I had pretended to like, and really I had liked her… as a friend. At least, I'd thought I did. But then she'd turned into a total bitch.

How hadn't I seen it before? Had there been any malice in her eyes before I'd told her I was gay? I didn't think so. She'd seemed so innocent and cheerful before.

But then, people changed.

I sighed as my pencil broke in my hand. I hadn't realized I'd been pressing down so hard, my pencil marks leaving heavy indentations in my notebook, so that the Geometry notes could be traced at least ten pages back. Tossing it to the side I pulled out my emergency pencil (yes, I know, I'm a nerd for having an 'emergency pencil' but I can't fall behind while I'm sharpening my pencil, now can I?) continuing the writing of my notes.

In the corner of my eye I see Near staring with that creepy look, dark gray eyes calculating. I clenched my teeth, trying my best to ignore him. I'd been doing such a good job of ignoring him before this, even being kind of friendly (for me anyway), but now the irritation was bubbling over. I'm not sure if it was because of the quiz or just generally pented up energy, but I had the sudden, extreme urge to punch something. "Man PMS, that's what it is!" Halle would giggle, had I told her. She would be right.

But I couldn't just punch Near. Really, he hadn't done anything wrong except for beat me, which wasn't wrong, since that's what _I'd _been trying to do to _him. _Still… I wanted to punch him.

_Notes, Mihael, focus on notes, _I reminded myself angrily, scribbling down the notes and trying my best to focus on them until the bell rang and released us. To my slight amusement almost all the children bolted, the children closest to me going the very fastest - they didn't want to become my victim. But then it was annoying, because Near hadn't run at all. Actually, he hadn't even gotten up from his seat as I stood up, instead packing each of his little 'classmate stalker dolls' into his bag. Getting to my feet I held my breath to keep myself from screeching something, trying my best to think of happy things like Johnny Depp or chocolate as I passed him.

I really was going to ignore him. I was going to walk by and place myself above the entire situation, to be mature enough to just walk away. But then Near just had to say something and screw it all up.

"How did Mello do on the test?" Near inquired from his seat as he got to his feet, making his awkward little shuffle away from his desk. I paused, tensing up.

"You know exactly how I did, sheep-boy," I growled, shooting him a death glare. Near blinked, tilting his head just the barest millimeter, the usual monotone of his expression matching his voice.

"Well," Near replied, "Then why is Mello upset?"

"I lost again," I stated the obvious, spinning on my heels and walking. The little shit decided to follow me, apparently, shuffling along right on my heels. In the hallway people parted like the red sea in front of me, immediately sensing the growing tension and irritation I was feeling towards Near as the little albino followed behind me.

When Near didn't say anything, instead following behind me as I headed for my locker, I spun on my heel again, almost causing Near to bump into me. "Why the hell are you following me!" I howled angrily, throwing my hands into the air. Near stops short, almost falling on to his butt without even being touched as he looses his momentum and balance, but manages not to stumble.

"I was not following you," Near lied, shrugging his shoulders. I narrow my eyes, frowning, obviously sending the message that I didn't believe him. He tried again, "I was truly just curious about the quiz. It is really a wonder that you forgot to put your name at the top - amazing how silly little mistakes like that can put you down a point…"

Did he just call me _silly? _Ignoring the fact that Near had continued to ramble I shoot my hand forwards, landing a light blow in the center of his chest. The white-haired boy cut off his sentence with a gasp of breath, tripping over himself as he fell backwards onto his butt, wincing. Obviously he fell harder than I had intended him too because he squeezes his eyes shut, shuddering slightly as a trip of pain goes through him.

Shit, here comes the guilt.

Letting my shoulders relax slightly I drop my hands, biting the inside of my cheek as I stood over him, trying to seem as if I was still pissed. But really, it wasn't Near I was pissed at, and seeing him muttering to himself about the pain in his back I had apparently caused I couldn't help but feel bad.

Still, I had to know. "Why were you really following me?" I question, one hand on my hip and the other holding my books as I stare at him. He shrinks back a little, shrugging his shoulders, but I know he's lying.

After a while, he replies in a very quiet voice, "Gevanni is absent again." I frown, not quite understanding why exactly that involved _me, _but he waves his hand to the left in demonstration. Following his train of point my eyes rest on Butch and a few of his groupies clustered around, laughing obnoxiously about something or another.

_Oh. Of course. Bullying. _

I sighed, rubbing my temple in irritation as Near pulled himself to his feet, brushing imaginary dirt off of his plain white pants. I hated it when people did this, following me around like I was some sort of bully-repellant. I'd had this happen before on several occasions, the latest one being an extremely annoying nerdy freshman named Danny. That had ended with him talking way too much directly into my ear and me telling him that if he didn't get his sissy ass away from me I was going to go to his house and kill him in his sleep.

He stayed away.

The thing was, Near was kind of different. He was annoying, but quietly so. And I had most of my classes with him anyway. And so, because I was feeling especially generous today, I allowed him to trail behind me with that timid look in his eyes. But no way in hell was I holding his hand - I was _not _Gevanni and I would not act as if I were.

Speaking of which - Gevanni was absent a lot. Damn him.

As soon as I arrived at Health, I knew something was wrong.

It was a silent sort of thing, a thing you wouldn't notice unless you were both smart and had experience with the people involved. But because I had both of those things, I could tell.

L was crouched lower in his seat than usual, staring at the small piece of cake that was placed neatly on his desk. It only had one bite in it. You wouldn't be able to tell he was upset but for that cake, but it told the story perfectly. Beside him Light was tapping his fingers on the table, the usual I-am-better-than-all-of-you-for-I-am-popular-and-attractive facade of a smile on his face. You almost wouldn't notice that something was wrong with him, either, except for his outfit. Light Yagami was a perfectionist, and his outfit was wrong. His tie was crooked, the clothing rumpled and un-ironed, as if he had slept in it, his socks missing upon further inspection. A perfectionist, happy Light wouldn't let that happen. But most noticeable of all, what really concerned me, was Misa.

As usual she was leaning forward and sniffing Light's hair, playing with her nails and hair, swinging her legs through the air in that giddy way she does. As usual, she was grinning widely at Light the entire time.

But then, every few moments, she would tilt her head to shoot L the deadliest glare I had ever seen.

I could only come to one conclusion: _Misa had guessed._

I knew that they hadn't just given it away, and she surely hadn't caught them red handed. Otherwise, the situation would have been different. More than likely, Misa had guessed L's affection for Light rather than Light's affection for L. She probably thought it was one sided. Still, every time she shot a glare at L, the both of them flinched.

The whole of Health Class, at least for me, was a blur of worry and irritation. Worry because I felt bad for L, irritation because of Misa being a tard, Light being an ass, and Near sitting beside me instead of in his usual seat, which was usually beside the still-absent Gevanni. More so, seeing L reminded me - of course he was stressed. Not only was he dealing with his own problems, but he knew _my _secret too. I didn't want to think about Gabriel, not at all. So even when he looked my way I ducked my head, pretending not to see him giving me questioning looks. Knowing that he could see right through me all the same. So much of me wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Still, once the release bell screeches, I gather my things and leave. I'm not in the mood to be nosy today, so cornering L and asking for explanation wasn't the thing I was going to do, today or otherwise. If it was important, it would make itself clear - I had my own issues to deal with.

Like Jade, for example. Or Matt. And, most irritating, Gabriel. Hell, I had so many problems that if I added another to my stress bucket it might overflow.

Near trailing behind me in tow I trudged off to my next class, which happened to be History. It was a pretty fun class, actually, especially since Mrs. Misora (not Mrs. Pember, never ever call her by her last name if you don't want to die) is the teacher. She's a pretty cool teacher, and she even has a motorcycle that she drives to and from school. There's a rumor that she wears leather outside school-grounds, and I don't doubt it - I'm gay, but she's pretty good looking, especially for a teacher. Beyond likes her especially - they're always teasing with each other, and though I think B creeps Misora out a bit they get along pretty well, ever since that first day of school when B decided to hide under her desk and scare her. It succeeded, but she also had a first-reflex to kick him in the face. Luckily, his nose hadn't broken, and had ended in laughter and apparently student-teacher friendship.

Oh, the memories.

Shaking my head to dislodge my wandering thoughts I slid into my seat, glancing up at the clock. I only had one period after this, Mr. Higuchi's class, before Lunch, but for one reason or another I was starving. Oh… wait, I hadn't had breakfast. _Dammit. _I didn't know how in the world that slipped my mind, and Matt's for that matter. I silently hoped Matt had grabbed something to eat unlike me before settling into my studies. One easy-as-hell worksheet and a few chapters about some war later the dismissal bell rang once again, the swarm of children escaping the classroom, save for B who was lingering and chatting with Misora, the usual gray-haired boy clinging to his arm and listening away. Rolling my eyes as I left, I called out teasingly, "Teachers pet!"

Beyond grinned and stuck his tongue out at me. "Homo!" he replied cheerfully, laughing. I rolled my eyes.

"You're a homo too, you're not allowed to say that!" I cried, laughing as I escaped. As I left I heard him shout 'touché!' before slipping out the door, chuckling to myself as I slipped through the swam of children.

It occurred to me that, really, if anyone else had called me a 'homo' like that I would have given them a bloody nose. It annoyed me deeply whenever someone used gay as an insult or made fun of people for their sexual orientation even before I realized _I _was gay, and now that I was it was even more infuriating and annoying. Really, I felt that if at this moment Butch said anything of the sort to me, I wouldn't hesitate to chop off his-

Speaking of annoyances - where was the sheep-boy?

Slamming my locker shut, books in hand, my eyes scanned the hallway. I expected Near to simply appear behind me, as he often did, creepy dark eyes wide and analytical as always, but it was not to be. He wasn't around. _Huh. _

_Weird_.

But Near was a smart boy, and despite looking much like a two year old I didn't have time to baby-sit him. He could take care of himself. He was 100% not my problem, and if he couldn't take the time to stick close to the person he had apparently decided was going to be forced to bully-repel for him, then I wasn't going to take the time to hunt him down. Not. My. Problem.

Well at least, that was my state of mind as I strolled rather lazily into Mr. Higuchi's class. Because of my slow pace, caused by a rather stubborn locker door that was holding my Biology textbook captive, I was one of the last ones into the room for once, slipping into my seat in the second row beside the door just as the late bell announced that it was time for the tardy-parade.

And tardy-parade there was indeed. About five students rushed just as the bell was ringing, faces flushed and bodies slightly slumped from sprinting in a haste to avoid tardies. Of course, this was all in vain, Mr. Higuchi slapping little pink tardy slips (again - PINK!) into their hands with a smirk on his face that seemed to say, "_You see, children? I win, you loose, and I am superior. I hope you realize now that you are a worthless piece of shit and no one will ever love you. Go rot in hell." _But of course, he didn't say that for real, instead just saying, "Detention next time."

It meant the same thing, though, I'm fairly sure.

Beside me, Light muttered something under his breath about dictatorship and muffin tops, but I didn't turn to listen, instead letting my eyes trail to the clock settled above the door. I didn't know why I expected it to be later than it was, but damn I was starving. I wanted to eat, and then maybe take a nap. The first would happen… the second, probably not, unless I planned on sleeping through English Lit… which I couldn't do, even if Mr. Sidoh was an easy-as-hell teacher. Sighing I lowered my head, discreetly burying my chin in my palm, my eyes drooping just slightly as I lazily look over at the board.

Of course, despite the fact that the guy in front of me was _asleep, _Mr. Higuchi notices and approaches me, all huffs-and-puffs as he does.

"Mr. Keehl, I would like you to stop day-dreaming and get back to the task at hand," Mr. Higuchi growled irately, glaring down at me with such venom I felt sure that a weaker person would have cowered.

I was not that weaker person, instead swiveling my head slowly to the left, keeping my chin rested just slightly on my hand. I smiled at him, and he narrowed his eyes. "What might you be referring to? I know exactly what you're talking about," I insured him.

"Oh, really? What did I just say?" Mr. Higuchi dared, smirking at me, expression daring me to mess up. Around us most children had begun pretending to be reading their Biology textbook, peeking over the top of the hardcover to watch us.

"You said, quote, 'The test will be next Monday, and we should be sure to study and be prepared, because it is going to be long and challenging. Also, I…' and that is where you halted and wrongly accused me of spacing out," I quipped, grinning. His face goes pale and I know I have been right. "Also, I would like to remind you that…" I open my mouth to make a closing remark, but before I can I find my eyes lock on something through the door window, taking the concentration out of me.

"Mihael? Are you going to finish your statement?" the teacher growls in irritation, the tension in the room shifting uncomfortably. My eyes stay trained on the scene outside the window, heart pounding in my chest.

_Not my problem. Look away, Mello. Look away and stay here. Do not get in trouble for this. This is not your problem. This is not you-_

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask lamely, getting to my feet before I get to my answer. Even if he hadn't asked in his bewildered, annoyed way 'sure, whatever' I would have gone anyway, almost sprinting my way out the door and slamming it shut behind me accidentally. I ignored Mr. Higuchis warning as well as the stares I received as I bolted down the hallway, blinded by my own fury.

I lurched in my halting as I got to the seemingly vacant classroom across the way, throwing it open and storming in. As soon as I entered I knew that my suspicion had been right.

My eyes fell first on Near, crumpled on the floor with his body rather tangled and at an awkward angle. I wouldn't have been too worried about that if he wasn't bleeding. The image was heart-stopping, the boy I'd always hated and joked about murdering torn up and beaten on the laminated floor of a classroom, head twisted so that it was looking up at me, eyes for one expressing emotion. The emotion was horror - not at being beaten up, but at me finding him like this.

I managed to tear my eyes away long enough to get a look at the people who had attacked him, but when I saw them I could only feel surprise.

Well, actually, Butch was to be expected. The large boy reared his ugly head with an expression mixed with surprise, fear, and, to my irritation, amusement. Beside him was Jade, which was the surprising part, her green eyes flickering with shock and horror as she looked up at me. Noel was also present, though he had dived under the table at my arrival, as if I couldn't see him.

"Mello?" Jade breathed, fear lacing her voice. Beside her, Butch smirked.

"Here to play hero, homo?" Butch taunted, lifting his leg and planting a casual, lazy kick to Near's side. The white haired boy made no noise, instead just wincing and shutting his eyes. He wasn't an expressive person, but I could see the hint of humiliation.

I didn't bother to reply. I was on my feet immediately, springing forward and planting a hefty roundhouse kick to the side of his head, barely caring that Jade let out a shriek to accompany the loud _crack_ that echoed through the room. Alerting anyone within the general radius that there was a fight going down, and me not caring to stop until I was physically dragged from Butch's battered form.

"So why did you do it?"

I looked over at Near from our place outside Mr. Roger's room, trying to keep my expression cold and angry. Jade, Butch, and Noel were inside Mr. Rogers office as we spoke, leaving me outside on the waiting bench with Near. I knew we were definitely going to be punished, and I was dreading my second detention of the week. _I used to be so much better at not getting caught… _I whined inwardly, dropping my gaze from Near's to look at my feet.

Finally, I echoed, "Why?"

Near nodded. "Yes," Near replied, voice monotonous as usual. "Why did you assist me when I was being bullied, despite knowing you would get in trouble? What do you gain?" From the way he said it, it was as if he truly didn't understand, onyx eyes searching my face.

I couldn't help but scoff.

"I don't gain anything, dim-wit," I muttered, leaning back against the bench. When he gives me a quizzical look, I sigh, elaborating. "It's not that I like you, Near. I just know what it's like to feel pain and have no way to stop it. I know how it feels to be completely overpowered like that… I couldn't just hang back and watch, even if you are a stupid snowball twit."

He seem to completely ignore the jab at the end (and beginning) a surprising, slim smile echoing across his lips. But then it's gone as soon as it has come, a faded sympathy in his eyes. "I am sorry about your situation, Mello," he replied. I jolted, looking up at him with wide e yes - _had L told him? _But he shook his head. "I do not know the details. But I know something must be going on in your… home."

"Oh."

Near looked away, staring a the wall in front of us. "You know," he continues bluntly, blinking. "You aren't weak like I am. You can do something about it, can't you? You can stop this. You're strong."

I had to laugh, a bitter, empty sound that echoed through the now-vacant hallways. Near startled at the sound, but only slightly, tilting his head to look at me with wide, quizzical eyes. I smirked, shaking my head as the laughter faded away.

"No," I explain bitterly, shaking my head. I can't help but smirk at the irony of it all as I continue, quietly, "I'm not strong. I'm weak. I'm a coward."

Beside me, Near surprises me by smiling again. "No," he replied cheerlessly. "I know you better than you think, Mello. You're stronger than you think. Smarter, too." At this, I'm shocked, blinking. Near just called me… smart? He sighed, averting his gaze. "You're a fighter. If there's no door for you to escape from, you'll force the whole wall down. You won't stay down like this for long."

I blinked, feeling a flicker of something or another inside of me. I can't explain the feeling, but it's not believing. But it's not denial, either.

I open my mouth to say something, but before I can get the chance the door to Mr. Roger's office swings open, inviting us in to face our - or, more likely, _my_ - punishment.

Detention. Detention. Detention.

Three days of detention for me. Oh, the joy. Can you feel my thrill?

Still, at least he didn't force me not to go to the dance. Much as I feel like a stupid little girl for looking forward to it, I really am. Doing something with Matt is always good news, at least for me. Butch and Noel, however, did not get to go to the dance; Jade only received a week's detention, since apparently she only watched, though I have a feeling that's a lie by the way Near's eyes narrowed just slightly when she said it.

Oh well.

Lunch was awkward as usual.

I kept my eyes on my plate the entire meal, or tried to. But I couldn't help but glance up at the other people across the table. L was staring at me with such concentration I thought I might melt, though I think part of it was avoiding thinking about Light, who kept gazing at him longingly from time to time. That is, when his time wasn't occupied by Misa, who constantly jerked on his arms and asked him questions to keep him distracted and concentrated on her. Matsuda looked dead on his feet, almost falling asleep several times ("Stayed up all night watching Lost on DVD," he explained earlier). Near was missing, at the infirmary, and I was sure I looked like I belonged in a crazy-house, stabbing at my cake in a tense, strained fashion, constantly dreading that L would bring up my 'problem' or something along those lines.

The only ones who seemed carefree were Beyond and A. A was trying in vain to wipe the jam from Beyond's face, complaining quietly about the messiness with a pouty expression on his face, but every time he completed his cleanup B would only eat more jam, rendering his work useless. I found myself watching them from the corner of my eye, Beyond whispering something about handcuffs and causing A's face to take on a reddish hue, a light of a memory in his eyes. I looked away and returned to my cake, trying to erase the memory of the exchange from my mind.

Luckily, besides that unfortunate listen in, nothing that noticeable happened. We ate, we had useless babble, and we left. Awkward, abrupt, and tense, but not eventful.

Good. I didn't want to deal with that right then, if ever. But especially not then.

English was boring. Near came back from the nurse, but I'd expected as much, since Butch was in the nurses office as well. Said bully had gotten it a lot worse than Near had, it seemed - Near had been smart enough to curl into fetal position to avoid most of the serious areas when he was kicked. Butch, however, had a sprain, crotch-pain, a bloody nose, and possibly a missing tooth. Not that I even cared.

If you were wondering why Roger didn't send me home, it was because he called my mother first. She had been extremely drunk, slurring extremely loudly that she 'didn't have time to deal with _that little shit' _and I should just stay here and rot. Needless to say, he let me, after recommending (quite embarrassingly) that I go to the guidance consoler (which I declined) and asking if I had a place to stay. I told him I was staying with my cousins, which… was a lie. But it was a white lie, and what else could I do? I couldn't exactly tell him I was living with my gay boyfriend, could I? No, I couldn't.

I had to practically drag myself to computer class. I couldn't explain why I was so tired. I had tried to sneak in a nap in English during "silent reading time" but I failed, because Debbie (some annoying girl who sits beside me) wouldn't stop jabbering to Katy who sat on the other side of me, catching me in their line of speak, immediately annoying me out of any attempt to sleep.

"Like, oh. My. God! Can you be-_leive _how hot Triston looks?"Groan. I buried my face in my arm, trying to b lock out their jabbering, but failing miserably. "I _know! _Yaah! Do you know who he's dancing with at the dance?""Probably, like, everyone!" Debbie giggled, in her usual high-pitched octave. Really, humans shouldn't have such a high octave. I felt sure that the real reason her dog died wasn't because he was hit by car, but had instead thrown himself _in front of _the car in attempt to forever escape that infuriating voice. But it was just a hunch. "Yeah," Katy agreed in this gushy, loving voice. "He's such a gentlemen, he never turns anybody down for a dance!"

"Yeah, plus he's hot! Have you seen his _butt?_"

The giggling became even louder, ringing through my ears. I had to hold back an audible groan. I _so _did not need to hear about the pretty-boy's _butt _when I was this exhausted, or at any time for that matter. In the back of my mind, I had to wonder if girls ever talked about _me _this way, before I came out of the closet and such. I kind of hoped not.

Several long, excruciating minutes of listening to gushes about Triston and general girl-crap the bell finally rang, this time not sounding like a screeching old woman, instead to me sounding like a holy, angelic harmony from above. Or something along those lines.

I dragged myself out of class, managing to keep up my usual stride ("like Tyra Banks, right? Fierce!" Matt had teased me a few days ago, and remembering that I tried in vain to stop wiggling my hips, but I failed) despite my sleepiness. Hoping inwardly that my eyelids weren't drooping I slid into computer class early, setting into my usual seat in front of Triston.

"Hey, fag-boy," Triston greeted as usual. Well, mostly as usual, but I had to frown when the jab didn't really come out as an insult, more of a friendly nickname. Glancing over my shoulder, I noticed h e looked rather zoned out, a weird little smile on his face as he scrolled through something or another on his computer.

I rolled my eyes, disregarding this. "Howdy, pretty-boy. I heard a lovely piece of information on your ass this afternoon, would you like to hear about it?" I replied just as casually, smirking as his face contorted into a look of irritation and slim embarrassment.

"Not from you, I don't," Triston grumbled, shooting me a fuck-off-you-pervert look. I could only smile, logging on to my computer lazily.

"Yeah, yeah, you just keep telling yourself that. You know I'm super amazing," I teased, sticking my tongue out at him. To my surprise he only grins and rolls his eyes.

_Well, that's progress, I guess._

Smiling to myself I go back to checking my email, having still uncompleted the typing assignment we were suppose to be doing but knowing I could complete it in one night if I wanted to without even breaking a sweat. I'm a bit disappointed that I don't really have anything except for spam and some lame chain letter about a ghost teddy bear. Yeah, as if. Sorry, Teddy, I thought musingly as I deleted my inbox.

Having nothing else to do I found myself slowly slipping downwards until my chin was rested on my arm, eyes drooping until my vision blurred just slightly. _Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a second… _I told myself drowsily, my face becoming lax as I allowed my eyes to sag shut.

I hadn't even realized I'd drifted off until a shoe collided with my ankle, making my eyes snap open, jolting upwards in my seat and spinning around automatically. The owner of said shoe turned out to be Triston, who was oddly standing above me, crossing his arms over his chest with an irritated look on his slender face, pink lips pursed in a frown.

I frowned right back. "What do you want, pretty-boy?" I snapped. I realized my mistake just as he rolled his eyes at me, replying, "Are you an idiot? You slept through the entire class - everyone else already left."

Blinking I dragged myself from my seat. Sure enough everyone had vacated save for the computer teacher, who was glaring at us from across the room, and pretty-boy over to my left. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him when he said nothing more, simply shifting on one foot and starting his stroll towards the door. I follow him, quickening my pace only slightly to follow.

"Why'd you wake me up? Thought you hated fags," I question suspiciously, though my tone doesn't come out irritated like I thought it would, instead genuinely curious.

To my surprise he barks out a laugh, throwing his head back with a scoff. "I don't hate fags, you dumbass, I just hate _you," _he replied bluntly, scowling at me. I blink at him, and for a second I think I catch him flash me an amused grin before hurrying away towards a hoard of girls and a few guys waving him over.

To me, this is an improvement.

For a second, I'm basking in something close to acceptance. I mean, Triston still hated me, and Butch, Jade, and Noel clearly hadn't gotten better, but _hell. _At least Triston hated me for _me, _not my sexual preference. And nobody had tried to assassinate me just yet. So for a few seconds, I was glowing.

But the glow faded almost immediately when I reached my locker, body freezing at the sight of it. It looked just like my locker usually did, really. Well, at least, save for the fact there was black sharpie marker written across the length of it in big, angry lettering with words that were all to familiar to me.

**FUCK YOU, FAGGOT.**

The glow, need less to say, was gone. It had not just dissipated but completely vanished, instead replaced by a dark, wet feeling of humiliation and fury. I felt my gut wrench angrily, heart pounding in my chest. I didn't know if I felt more sad or more angry. It was something in between, causing my emotions to rock back and forth furiously, like waves crashing against rocks.

I wanted to die. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream.

Most of all, I wanted to hurt somebody. I felt a thirst for revenge so powerful it caused all other emotions to go blank, along with my sense of reason. It just poofed, just like t hat, leaving me with just an angry, pissed-off shell.

Around me people were shifting to avoid contact with me, shooting me looks that varied from disgust with the writing to amusement to fear of being the outlet for my obviously building anger. It wasn't just because I had been personally attacked in this way - it was that it was in some small way attacking an entire community. Insulting A, B, L, Light… _Matt. _I felt a shiver go down my spine, my icy blue eyes narrowing into angry slits.

Acting without really thinking, something I didn't do too often, I stormed down the hallway towards where Near sat halfway in his locker, obviously searching for something. As soon as I came close enough I grabbed him by the collar, lifting him up. He gasped quietly in surprise and fright, but as soon as he saw me his expression softened with quiet understanding. He not only knew the situation but that I was _not _here to cause trouble; not for him anyway.

"Who did it, Near?" I growled, dropping him to his feet. The white-haired boy fidgeted a little, twirling his hair nervously under my gaze, though the nervousness didn't show on his monotonous expression or voice; I knew him well enough to catch the small things. When he didn't reply right away, I glared at him. "Don't play dumb - nothing gets by you, Near. Now tell me who did it."

Near sighed, lowering his gaze to his feet. Then he whispered something, so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. "It was Noel."

_Tch. Should have known, the little jerk… _I clenched my fists at the thought, darting around Near and ducking into his locker. He made no objection even as I dug through his things to find what I was looking for. As soon as I found it I clutched it in my hand, darting away without another word to the albino boy as I headed for the offenders locker.

After I had finished my work I smirked, anger let out without any need for violence. At least, not much. Smiling to myself I spun on my heel, dropping the red sharpie marker and strolling away as casually as possible, ignoring the gaping faces of the people watching either me or my work of "art" on a certain boy's locker door.

The imagining of seeing the look on Noel's face when he returned to his locker let a cruel edge come to the grin, eyes glimmering as I made my way towards Matt's Camero.

The next morning, Noel would come to school to find _**You Wish! **_written across the front of his locker door, accompanied by underlined squiggles and a hefty, punched dent in the surface.

**Fight teh Powa'~**

**Mood: Highly amused**

**Location: Actually in a GYM *gasp***

**Eating: Nothing**

**Drinking: Nothing**

**Listening To: D.V.N.O by Justice**

**Alright, let me just say that Angel is the most epic person EVVVEEERRR! Seriously though.**

**Lemme explain today's dose of extreme awesomeness.**

**For starters, let me just say that people are assholes. Seriously, seriously assholes. Apparently, from what I heard from Angel, some jackass named Noel wrote "FUCK YOU, FAG" on his locker. This is the same son of a bitch that he used to be on the soccer team with (the season's over, apparently) and that he apparently used to be semi-friends with. He is officially on my hitlist. Feel free to assassinate him for the following. **

**A) He beat up Near, this fluffy, kinda nerdy albino kid with legs t hat don't work right, apparently. I mean, he didn't do it alone (apparently **_**JADE **_**helped (bitch!) and some guy named Butch, too. Angel kinds hates Near, actually, but him being the badass that he was burst into the room when he was supposedly on a bathroom break and beat the living daylights out of Butch. Not Noel though, because the cowardly little shit hid under the table. Gah. If I'd been there, I swear… anyway, Near was saved.**

**B) He's a general jackass and a homophobe. Enuff said, really…**

**C) He wrote the horrible, crude thing on Angel's locker like a total dip shit. Another good reason to assassinate him.**

**BUT.**

**Assassination **_**might **_**not be quite so necessary, seeing as he already got his metaphorical ass kicked. Mello, being the total kickass person that he is, somehow got info on who did it from that Near kid (nothing gets by him, man. Nothing. ._.) and wrote on **_**his **_**locker. And guess what he wrote?**

"**YOU WISH" XDD now tell me that isn't just priceless. He told me when I picked him up and I almost pissed myself laughing. And the best part is, he can't say anything to get Mello in trouble without admitting that he was the one who wrote the first sharpie-attack in the first place. XD isn't that wonderful?**

**Oh how homophobes amuse me (when their, you know, not being total assholes, in which they annoy me). I mean seriously, they're all generally idiots. I mean, yeahhh, I guess people who are **_**actually phobic **_**(like those who had horrible childhood scenarios involving gays or whatever) can be slid by, especially when they don't act on their fears other than to avoid us. But when you have no good reason other than "my mommy told me, so it must be true, DURR" then it makes no sense. =3= I mean seriously. Gay/lesbian relationships are just like regular relationships, give or take a penis or two. XD Srsly.**

**Well, there's my homophobe rant. In other news, we'll be fightin' the powa' so to speak once again on Friday (tomorrow) because VIOLA' there's a dance at Mello's school! 8'D Isn't that just the most epic thing you have **_**ever heard? **_**okay, so it's probably not, but I'm still excited. I never went to a dance at my school, and am **_**not **_**planning on going to prom with a bunch of catholic-school homophobic-bitches (excluding you, my darling RL friends who fight da powa with me ;D I love you guys, no matter how few you are!) with another guy, and there's no way I'm going with a girl. Actually… if Mello asked me to, I might be forced, but I think he'd prefer to go to his own prom anyway. XDD so anyway I'm going to this spring fling thing with him… XD it's going to be epic. Believe meh. XD **

**What's kind of funny is that it's apparently "girl's choice", which means a girl's suppose 2 ask a girl… XDDD umm… yeah so apparently Angel's the girl. *LOL* well I mean he was "the girl" but he's not "a girl" if you catch my drift there XD… whatever. -_- Maybe Angel will wear a skirt? Or like, a leather dress? 3 AHAHAHA… no T_T' he wouldn't go for that in a million years. At least not in public…**

…

**Alright, well, I'm going to try and drag my mind out of the gutter. But it's very hard because, well… I'm at the gym.**

**No, no, it's not what you think. The "forever the laziest homosexual in the universe" is not working out. Sorry, ladies - my idea of exercise is running around in the city, shopping for shoes with Leon. Which, believe me, is quite the workout when you're with him. So why am I at the gym, you ask? Because apparently Mello has anger issues. Well I mean, I already knew that. But still. He's basically letting out all his anger on the treadmill. And hot damn, does he go fast. He's practically sprinting on the thing, and the stunning thing is, he does it in **_**leather .**_** Yeah, you heard me right - **_**leather. **_**And **_**platform boots. **_**So now he's all flush-faced and sweaty working out, looking all pissed while he does, and for one reason or another that's really making it hard to keep my mind out of the gutter. You have no idea how hard it is to resist running over there, grabbing him around the waist, and making out with him right in the middle of his gym.**

**Of course, I have this feeling he'd kick me in the crotch if I tried that, so I won't XD**

**I'm going to go get more crappy water fountain water now… see ya.**

**Hope your dreams reach the rainbows or some cheesy shit like that,**

**~Matt**

_**A/N: *WHOOF* Godddd that was a long-ass chapter. *wipes sweat* that took forever to write, and honestly I'm not too happy with how it came out, but… hey, what can you do? The next chapter's undoubtedly going to be the dance scene, which I've been kind of putting off… do you hate Noel yet? Isn't he just the stupidest son of a bitch? Oh, and have yours tarted hating Triston less? I hope so, I never really hated the guy, even if he is a bit bitchy XD And NO, before any of you ask, he is not gay. At all. 100% straight, with the booty-call texts to prove it.**_

_**Hopefully the next chapter will be much sooner, but perhaps not, because it's turning out to be a pretty busy summer and my step-mother is quite evil when it comes to computer time sometimes XD so yeah. Also, this chapter isn't really edited very well... sorry about that, my dad was rushing me to get off the CPU at the time. I'll go back to fix any major problems, and i've spell checked it with teh spellcheck on my word, but other than that not much XD sorry about that, my lovlies. I'll fix it up later, probobly, but i want to spend most of my time with my projects rather than rechecking whats already doen, you know? Anyways, i hope you enjoyed and please REVEIW if you get the chance! ^^**_

_**PEACE OUT,**_

_**-Holli**_


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: First of all, I would like to apologize that this took so long to be updated… I've had summer gym, writers block, and other such bullshit. **

**Anyways, I'd just like to say that I obviously don't own Mayday Parade's "Misery At Best", the song that shows up later on. I would recommend listening to it when it comes up, but you don't really need to. :P it really has nothing to do with the plot, but it sets a nice mood. I picked it randomly, mostly because it was what I was listening to at the time…**

**Well, enjoy!**

"Ow! Stop that!"

"If you _stay still _it won't hurt so bad!"

"Fuck… ow!"

"Stop wiggling!"

"Augh…"

Did I mention getting your hair done is the worst thing, like, ever? Because it is. Especially when it happens to be Halle bent over you, ripping a brush through your poor innocent hair.

"Nya! Can't I brush it myself!" I whined, attempting once again to squivvel in my chair and snatch the brush from her. Behind her Weddy was in a giggle fit, along with a few girls I didn't recognize watching from a distance.

"_No_, you can't, this is part of the girls-before-dances ritual, and you are participating, dammit," Halle hissed, grabbing me by the shoulders and forcibly jerking me around to face the mirror again.

I narrowed my eyes, clenching my teeth angrily as the brush was pulled through my hair again. In her defense, she did start being a little more gentle, but it was still irritating to have _my hair _brushed by _someone else. _I know, that sounded completely ridiculous but - wait.

I gasped, glaring at Halle's reflection. "_Girl _ritual! Why am _I _included in a _girl ritual_?" I shrieked, kicking the wall in front of me in disapproval. At this a brunette girl I vaguely recognize but can't remember _why _starts chortling, clapping her hands in obvious amusement. I frown at her, trying to place her face, but am distracted as soon as the brush jerks through my hair again, causing me to hiss. "Dammit, Hal, if you give me split ends-"

"You're enough like a girl to begin with, that's why," she cuts off a bit late, chuckling. "And besides - you just proved my point. What guy complains about split ends?" _Pull. Jerk. Rip. Tangle annihilated! _I groan, rolling my eyes at her.

"Um, _hello? _A gay one?" I grumble, but I let myself settle down, allowing the girl-hoard to fix my hair and such. Really, I couldn't fathom how I had ended up here. All I'd agreed to was meeting up with Halle before the dance, and somehow I'd ended up being raced off to Halle's house for a pre-party-extravaganza. Do most girls do t hat? I didn't really think so, but Halle had insisted that this was 100% necessary.

Yeah, right… no. But whatever, I figured I might as well just go along with it. For two reasons.

First of all, Halle will kill me if I don't. Not physically, obviously, since I could take her easily - she's bigger in mass than I am, probably more power-heavy too, but I'm far more skilled in fighting than her. But she would find some horrible thing to do to me, like putting me in a skirt somehow. Or, horror of horrors, shaving off my hair… no, that could not happen. Ever.

Second, I… okay I'm not even going to say it. Way too girly to say. But… okay, here we go anyway, but I swear if you make fun of me I'll shoot you in the base of your skull, and then we'll see how hilarious it is.

I wanted to look nice. For Matt.

There, I said it. I mean, I guess that's not that bad (is it?) to want to look good for your boyfriend, but the fact that a girl-hoard (a few of which I think might have been in my 'fan club') was doing it instead of me just doing it… was a bit embarrassing. But I had to admit Halle was doing a good job. I could only hope that the girls scampering around trying to find an outfit in the nearby stores wouldn't pick out anything… dare I say skimpy? Then again, skimpy would be better than something girly or _pink…_

"Sayu, could you brag me the nail polish?" Halle suddenly piped up from behind me, catching my attention. The brunette that I thought I had recognized - Sayu - immediately lit up, nodding and scampering away. Oh, right. Sayu Yagami, Light's sister - I had almost forgotten her. We didn't have much of a history together, of course, but I knew who she was from the few get-togethers I had had with Light. I smiled a little at the remembrance, only to have my hair jerked again.

"SHIT, GIRL!" I screeched, glaring at Halle over my shoulder, only to find that she hadn't been brushing my hair at all, instead smiling innocently at me empty-handed. I narrowed my eyes. "Don't pull my hair, I will not hesitate to claw your eyes out," I hissed, my voice resonating death itself.

There was a sudden silence of giggling, almost all the girls giving me disbelieving, shocked looks.

At least, save for Halle, who only grinned widely at me, laughing chipperly. "You're such a drama queen," she teased, spinning the chair I was seated in around. Vaguely my eyes grazed over the room we were in - it was like a mini solon. _Jesus, who's house IS this? _I thought bewilderedly, who needs a room for nothing but sinks, mirrors, and cabinets? It didn't even have a freakin' toilet. It did, however, have chairs. I remembered vaguely someone informing me that Weddy's mom was a hair stylist, so I suppose that was it, but still. Weird.

These are the kind of random thoughts that went through my head as I sat there, amongst a mass of about fourteen girls, all either giving each other makeovers, watching other people give each other makeovers, squealing about their boyfriends, or trying to force their butts into undersized dresses. I really couldn't comprehend why all of this was so terribly enticing to girls, this whole spectacle of being _'I can't wait to see __**insert guy name here**__!" _Going on and on about it seemed crazy. I mean, you're going to see him at the dance, right? Why make a big deal out of it? Then again, I was dying to meet up with Matt, but that was completely different.

Completely.

…Well, at least I kept it to myself.

By the end of the whole bravado, however ridiculous it seemed to me, I had to admit I was just as pumped as the rest of them. And damn, I looked fine.

I knew this because I was standing in front of a huge full-body mirror, gazing at myself while a hoard of expectant girls gave me wide eyed, curious looks, dying to see my reaction to the getup.

I had to admit, they had undone themselves. I had on a pair of tight black jeans that could easily pass for dress pants, cuffed at the bottom to settle nicely against a pair of black dress-shoes. A tight light-gray dress-top with slanted buttons, the top two undone in a rather teasing fashion, topped off with a somewhat casual looking ruby-red tie just loose enough around my neck, and a casually slacked leather jacket, and I had to admit I looked pretty good. They'd forced me to put moisturizer on my skin too, which was a bit humiliating, but I admitted now that it made my face feel very soft; I knew this not only because I had felt it myself but because a few of the girls kept leaning over and poking my cheek to "check for softness" at least a hundred times. I let that slide though - by now I was nearly as pumped up as they were.

The girl's wasted no time streaming in their usual over-excited fashion out the doors of what I assumed was Weddy's family house, making the mad dash for their cars. Many of the girls were carpooling, as I was, hopping in the shotgun seat of Halle's convertible.

"That was pretty humiliating," I grumbled, checking my reflection in the review mirror one last time before we pulled out and i turned my attention to the now-grinning Halle, in her roughly red dress. It was an unusual look for her, looking so extremely feminine, but it looked nice all the same.

"You know you loved it," Halle practically purred, rendering a giggle from Weddy, who was lounging around in the back. For once the catty girl wasn't wearing her sunglasses, exposing her soft, pretty eyes, her hair tied up in a loose ponytail. She donned a knee-length pencil skirt and a tight white long-sleeved shirt. It was a simple look, but it fit her.

Making no reply to Halle's assumption I leaned back in the seat, closing my eyes for a moment and trying to chase out the excitement that had build inside of me. Gay or not, I didn't want to show up acting like an excited schoolgirl. Not only was that far from being my character, but it would be humiliating, in front of Matt no less. When i had myself mostly under control i allowed a smirk to trail across my face, opening my eyes and sitting up in my seat. "Right, sure," I laughed, rolling my eyes. "That was SO enjoyable, being mobbed by hyper girls. Totally my thing."

"Like Will and Grace!" Weddy commented cleverly from behind us, giggling. I frowned, thinking of the show. Didn't Matt watch that? I couldn't remember, but I had a feeling she was making fun of me, so i stuck a tongue out at her. She only chortled louder and checked her cell phone for the millionth time, adding, "Oh, and Beyond and A are already there, waiting for us at the door. Apparently A's half-way to hyperventilating."

I chuckled, thinking of the gray-haired boy. He wasn't really good with crowds, but had seemed excited for the dance none the less. I felt sure it was because of Beyond. Shy and nervous regardless, we all knew A secretly loved being showed off by the raven-haired boy. And showed off he was. I shook my head at the thought, going back to staring out the window. It had become pretty dark, i had to notice, as was the point of a late-night dance I supposed.

It was chilly when we finally got out of the car at the school, causing me to pull my leather jacket tighter over myself for warmth. All around us children were bustling, jogging their way to the gym doors, sprinting to awaiting gaggles of friends, giggling and shouting excitedly, boys sneaking up behind their dates and walking them in the door. I hurried in beside Halle, and it only took us a few seconds to spot B and A. This was, mostly, because Beyond was waving wildly at us with one arm, the other weighed down by a nervous-looking, clinging gray-haired koala-boy. Or rather, A.

Said boy's searching eyes immediately lit up when they landed on me, grin spreading across his pale face. He continued clinging to Beyond with one arm, letting off a small, tenitive wave with the other. I waved back to the both of them, hurrying over to greet them. I barely noticed that Halle and Weddy had hurried off to greet some of their chick-friends on the other side of the parking lot, too caught up in the general hype going on around me.

"Hey! Hope you guys weren't waiting long," I greeted, stopping a few steps away from them, unable to keep the smile off my face as I quickly appraised their getups. A looked classically nice, with tight khakis and a loose-fitting silk shirt, a striped scarf-like thing slung around his shoulders, along with a small white headband pulling his hair back. Normally i would reticule a guy for wearing a headband, but admittedly it looked damn cute on him. Beyond's look was rather shocking, at least in comparison to his usual getup. Tight, short sleeved, blood-red dress shirt fitting tightly to his frame, and black jeans donned with red stitching. Apparently he had decided against a tie, though he did have a few gothic bracelets donned on his wrists and some dress shoes.

"Mello looks nice," Beyond commented, nodding to me.

"And you, sir, have no stains on your shirt," I appraised, grinning wickedly. He scowled at me, but A only giggled.

"Just you wait - that shirt won't last more than a few hours," A assured me cheerfully, returning his previously-waving arm to it's place clinging to his boyfriend. Beyond rolled his eyes and tugged the arm free, causing A to squeak, but the arm quickly returned to wrap around A's waist. Instead of complaining A simply leaned against the raven haired boy with a content smile. "Do you want to head in now?" he inquired.

I couldn't help but smile warmly at the display - _how sweet are they? _- before replying, "No, I've got to wait for Matty," I replied a bit embarrassedly, shrugging my shoulders. B smirked, weather it was because of the nickname or because i was waiting for him i wasn't sure, but after i gave him a _pot and kettle _kind of glare the smirk vanished, replaced by a knowing smile. I had to smile as well, though in the back of my mind i was annoyed with myself for being so... schoolgirl-ish again.

"I'm sure he'll be here soon," Beyond commented, glancing randomly at the space above my head before smiling back at me. I frowned, wondering silently to myself why he kept glancing above my head - was my hair frizzing up? Surely not... - but i let it go when i felt a pair of arms suddenly wind their way around my waist, pulling me backwards and against a warmth.

Without really thinking i went into panic-mode, everything in me jolting into overdrive. Immediately i swung my leg backwards, the back of my dress shoes slight platform heel connecting with the kneecap of whoever was behind me, swinging around on the other foot and planting a solid punch into the jaw of the offender. Said person let out a shocked curse as he fell backwards, stumbling backwards and onto his butt. Catching my breath, panic clearing, I looked down to find...

"Oh. Fuck. Sorry, Matt," I croaked, feeling a blush come to my cheeks. Apparently it had only been Matt, seeing as he was the one sitting quite poutedly on the pavement, luckily mostly unharmed, rubbing his jaw painfully. The shock in his pain was obvious, but the humor was there too, dancing around the edges of his emerald green eyes. A bit timidly I offered my hand to him, and he took it firmly, letting me help him up.

He grinned. "Nice to see you too, sweetie," he drawled sarcastically, eyes twinkling playfully. I grinned back before releasing his arm, only to freeze and find myself ogling him.

Let me just say this: Matt looked hot. I mean, he looked beyond sexy _normally, _so the fact that his hotness-scale had gone _up _was a pretty big feat. He had on a tight white collared shirt with slender dark-gray stripes running horizontally down, two of the buttons at the top hanging open in a quite tantalizing way. A black jacket topped off the shirt, reaching down to about his butt, in a soft cottony looking material. At his pants I had to pause to ogle especially - they were _leather. _The dark material fit over him perfectly, tight around his hips and crotch-area and looser around his legs. The look was topped off by brown leather gloves, leather boots, and a black belt. Best of all, his goggles were no where to be found, exposing his dazzling emerald eyes completely but for his unusually neat red hair - though it still had a bit of it's boyish messiness, you could tell it was brushed long and well. I felt a grin tugging at the corners of my mouth even wider now, and I had to focus very hard to keep my eyes on his face, and not his ass. But damn, that _leather..._

"You're staring at me~" Matt teased, snapping me out of my ogling state. I shot him a snippish glare, but the expression died as soon as it had come as Matt slung his arm around my waist, pulling my hips against his. I blushed a little, unable to help myself, but inwardly all i felt was glee. Matt smiled brightly towards B and A, who were currently staring at us in amusement, and chuckled. "So lemme guess... Beyond Birthday and A, right?" he guessed correctly, waving his hand to each of them.

"That's my name, don't wear it out," B announced, smirking to himself.

A had a more pleasant reply, waving his fingers tentatively at Matt with a rather shy, nervous expression on his face. He didn't say anything, but you could see in his eyes he was happy to be recognized.

"We can make introductions later, we should head in, it's chilly out here," I amended quickly, slipping out of Matt's arms. As I turned my head to head for the school I saw a small cluster of jockies giving us the stink eye, clearly disgusted with us; if only to show defiance i sent a smirk their way, reaching my hand backwards to catch Matt's as I sauntered towards the school, careful to keep the smirk on my face as Matt hurried after me with his usual puppy-dog expression.

The energy passing through the gym doors went from excited to hyped. All around was activity. Gaggles of giggling girls pointing to each others outfits and bouncing around in an excited mass; boys strolling around trying to look cool; a few especially hyper children chasing each other across the gym; eyes of several wanderers searching for their companions; huddles of emo-kids and slackers sitting in corners in attempt to act too-cool-for-school but instead looking quite lame and boring; tall jocks tossing something or another back and forth; pairs of happy couples flirting and cuddling, as well as pairs of couples arguing; hassles of popular chicks strutting around and laughing at others; huddles of people attacking the snack bar. The one thing i had to notice _wasn't _happening much was _dancing. _Tch. Figured.

More annoying, though, was that several people were giving us looks, pointedly ogling our clasped hands and whispering to each other, not even making an attempt to hide it. I sighed, frowning.

Matt seemed as if he didn't notice (maybe he was immune to it by now?), looking absolutely enthralled by the ordeal. You might not have guessed it really, as the only thing he was really doing at a glance was holding my hand, bumping his hips against mine and smiling a bit - really, he looked pretty chill. But his eyes told a different story, lit up and glimmering, eyes darting from place to place excitedly. It occurred to me that he'd probably never been to a dance, at least not _with _anyone; if his school was as bad as he made it seem about homosexuality, I probably wouldn't either.

"So you're Matt, then?" A piped up, breaking the daze of looking around at the bustle, a small smile on his lips. Matt flashed a smile back, nodding his head.

Beside him, B grinned a wild, mischievous smile. "We've heard a lot about _you, _then," he commented in a faux-innocent tone, flashing a grin. I could see in his eyes that he was referring to some not-so-great things that he'd heard (what with the papers and gossip floating around and what not). Matt seemed oblivious to this though, smiling widely at him. When he didn't seem to catch his drift, B added, "Seen a lot about you, too."

When Matt gave him a bewildered look I rolled my eyes, bumping him aside and shooting a glare at B. "Stop being a bitch, Beyond," I instructed, then turned my head to smile at Matt apologetically. "He means _the papers._"

He frowned. "Oh."

Beyond rolled his eyes, opening his mouth (supposedly to say something sarcastic and clever) only to be interrupted by the sudden appearance of his mirror, who had just rocketed across the room to shoot in front of him, limbs flailing and wild in contrast to his blank, studying expression as he steadied himself. Matt stared at him as he spoke, a tiny curl of a smile on his lips. "Hello Matt, it is nice to meet you again." Matt stared at him bewilderedly, forcing a confused smile his way, obviously shocked at the boy's sudden appearance.

"L, have I mentioned your socially retarded today?" Light asked from behind him as he strolled over at a much more leisurely pace. Misa was beside him, merrily clinging to his arm.

"Yes, I believe you have, actually, several times," L replied, just as Matt commented, "Sheesh, you've got good balance."

L blinked before shooting the redhead a cheeky grin, shifting so that he was in his normal standing position. Behind him, Beyond rolled his eyes, tugging A and trudging away towards a group of waving people across the room who I didn't recognize, presumably Seniors like them.

"So you're Matt?" Misa piped up just as L opened his mouth to speak again, bouncing up and down whilst still attached to Matt's arm. The redhead gave her a strange once over, eyes scanning over her done-up hair and skimpy, rather revealing black dress, and for a second I thought I saw a flicker of disapproval in his eyes.

But then he smiled brightly, only able to be seen as forced by someone who knew him, like me. "Yep, that's me. You must be Misa," he answered smoothly, lifting his hand for her to shake, but she neglected to acknowledge it. Instead she detached from Light's arm - which had previously been losing circulation - and threw herself at Matt, wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him in one sparratic movement.

"I'm so glad to meet you, Matt-chan!" she gushed, looking up at him with glee as he seemed to struggle against shoving her away, giving her a wry smile. "I'm Misa-Misa, but you can call me Misa-chan! I've heard so much about you!"

"U-uh…" Matt managed, seeming bewildered.

I frowned at her, restraining myself from throwing her off and screeching at her in irritation. "Misa, please…" I began civically, reaching my arm out to touch her shoulder. She ignored me completely.

"Wow, you have cool hair! Is it natural? You're like a rose!" Misa proclaimed, standing on her tiptoes slightly to ruffle his hair. Matt scowled while he thought she wasn't looking before replacing the expression with a very-much strained smile.

L frowned. "Someone should put her on a leash…" he muttered under his breath, but no one seemed to hear him save for me and Light, who got an expression on his face that was a mix of amusement and annoyance.

"ALRIGHTY," I almost shouted when Misa didn't seem to be ending her mini-gush, grabbing her by the back of her dress (which happened to be pretty far down on her back, considering the skimpiness of the dress, but I was gay, so what the hell, right?) and pulling her backwards forcibly. Not even bothering to keep the fake-smile on my face I slid in beside Matt, giving her a nasty smirk. "If you don't mind, I'm going to go and grab some _punch, _mmkay?"

Misa, seeming to at least catch the general drift of my hint, nodded her head and returned to mangling Light's arm. "Okie-dokie, Mello-chan! Don't forget to do karaoke!" she chirped.

I scoffed. "Karaoke, right," I muttered sarcastically before trudging away. As we made our way away from the small cluster, I could have sworn I heard L mutter, 'We'll never be rid of her, will we?' Well, looking at the way Misa was death-gripping Light's forearm, it appeared the answer would be no. Sorry, L.

"Um, Mel?" Matt piped up, bringing my attention up to him again. He smiled warily before leaning slightly my way, whispering into my ear, "There's people staring at us."

Immediately I felt irritation flare up in my chest, suspecting the you-know-who's, but when I whipped out my death-glare in the direction Matt had nodded I discovered it wasn't the phobe's at all, but rather a trio of over-excited girls squealing and pointing our way, one of which was jumping up and down with a stupid grin on her face. Only fan girls. Annoying, but harmless. I let the glare slide away to an amused smirk, slipping my arm around his waist. "Yep, looks like they are," I replied breezily.

He grinned, obviously pleased, and wrung his arm around my shoulders, steering us over to the concession stand. "The music is awesome here," Matt commented, apparently recognizing whatever pop-hit was pounding from the speakers as he snatched a brownie from the plates, waving it in front of my face. I paused in my reply to lean forward and simply take the pastry with my mouth, seeing as it wasn't very large. He laughed. "Mello, you're going to choke to death someday like that."

"Whatever, chocolate worth it," I replied, though I suspect it sounded more like 'whamama, cholit worr ie' since my mouth was currently stuffed with brownie. Once I swallowed, I grinned at him. He grinned back, shuffling his feet a little before letting his gaze trial away from me to scan our surroundings.

And then I found us in that state. That unsure-what-to-do-with-ourselves state, simply standing around and awkwardly shuffling our feet, me eating brownies and leaning against his side, him bobbing his head just slightly to the song then playing - something by Pink I think - and shuffling his feet in that awkward way he does. It occurred to me that we looked like one of those awkward first-date couples, the ones that everyone sneaks glances at and whispers their comments and opinions - _"Aww, they make a cute couple" "They won't last a week…" "Dude, Mello's totally looking at his ass." _- all in a judgmental fashion, trying to figure everything out just by that one little moment. You could see them, everywhere, people sneaking glances. There were even people full-on staring, with expressions varying from disgust to awe to jealousy. Across the room, I spotted Beyond and A watching us; when I met eyes with B, he grinned and gave me a thumbs up, embarrassingly so. It was all very… _first date. _

Except the thing is, this _wasn't _our first date. It was just our first public date, at least among people that we - or rather, I - actually knew. And the thing with public dates is, well it's very… _public. _(Shit, redundancy…)

"You know what, fuck this," I announced rather loudly, stomping my foot. Matt startled at my exclamation, head spinning around to give me a wide eyed look. I gave him what I hoped was a catty grin, punching him in the side playfully. "We look like a pair of school-children on a cheesy first date,' I explained irately. "It's stupid. Screw this awkward phase, let's go dance or some shit."

After a few seconds of rapid-blink action Matt grinned. "Alright then, in that case," he began cheerfully, snatching my hand in his and rather dramatically swinging his other arm in a circular motion, bowing slightly to smile up at me. "May I have this dance?"

"Pfft," I struggled against laughing for a second, rolling my eyes. "Well duh, you douche, of course." I didn't get a chance to further my sarcastic comment before I was pulled onto the dance floor - which was rather void of dancers at the moment, save for a few giddy hussles of girls and two or three awkward stand-around pairs - tripping over myself in the process. By the time we're on the dance floor a new song has come on, some high-velocity techno-pop song.

Ignoring the various weird looks we're receiving I start waggling my hips, dancing around like quite an idiot. Matt follows my lead, taking one hand and spinning me around a few times, picking up our feet and dancing around. We probably look like complete dorks, but I don't really care, somehow ending up bouncing around as we dance, flipping my hair and waggling my hips as I do. It's quite chaotic really, dancing while exchanging giggles and eye rolls, but fun.

Even if people _are _staring.

Eventually the long-ass techno song goes off and we stop our ridiculous little jig, him grinning ear-to-ear and me smirking like the prick that I am. "People are staring at us," I chirped cheerfully, nodding my head to the side, where a cluster of football players and their cheer-esque girlfriends had gathered to gape. As soon as Matt looked over (dopy grin still wobbling on his face) they all looked away, pretending to be talking about something. I laughed, bumping my hand against his as the next song came on.

I smiled when I recognized it.

_Katie, don't cry, I know  
__You're trying your hardest  
__And the hardest part is letting go  
__Of the nights we shared  
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting  
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright  
And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so_

"You know this song?" Matt asked warmly, sliding his hands around my waist. I blushed a little at the contact, but I kept the light smile on my face, nodding my head in response. He grinned. "Mayday Parade. Awesome."

"So, now we slow dance?" I whispered, looking up at him questioningly. He smiled warmly at me, his arms wrapping tightly around me. My smile widened a little despite myself, letting my own arm waver uncertainly in the air before settling for being pressed against his chest, fingers pressing against his shoulder bone.

_Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
I know he's there and  
You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
While across the room he stares_

"You're so cute," Matt whispered when I allowed my forehead to rest on his shoulder. I growled at the comment under my breath, but though I didn't know if he could see me, I was blushing and quite pleased by the comment.

Over his shoulder I could see Light and L chatting, Misa-less, beside the snack bar, a bright, happy look in the raven-haired man's eyes despite the fact that they weren't standing close to one another or anything along those lines.

But the moment I spied was short-lived, said over-excited blonde girl shrieking her way across the floor and snatching Light's hands, pulling him excitedly towards the dance floor.

_I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes_

Light fakes a smile, nods to L, and follows her out. The joy in L's eyes fades. I avert my eyes and sway to the music, sinking into Matt's arms.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say  
Or her to second guess But I guess  
That I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable at best_

"Are you okay?" Matt whispered when I sighed, nuzzling my nose into the thin fabric of his shirt. I take a moment to breathe in his scent before replying, tilting my head upwards to spy him spying me with curious emerald eyes.

I smile at him, and the warmth I'm feeling promises me that it looks as genuine as I felt. "I'm great," I whisper. "I'm just… happy." It was the truth. For once in my entire life, I felt lucky.

_You're all that I hoped I'd find  
In every single way  
And everything I would give  
Is everything you couldn't take  
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away  
And the hardest part of livingIs just taking breaths to stay_

Tripping over his foot just slightly I tilt to the side, starting us on a swaying circle. I feel very chick-flick-romance (minus the fact that we're both guys of course), but I'm too caught up in the moment to really care. I can spy various couples out of the corner of my eye, some of which make me smile, some of which making me sigh.

A and B are dancing a few feet from us, B practically holding A as they danced around each other. They looked much more elegant than we must have, A's body twirling in quite the graceful way as B held the gray-haired boy up.

I spot Sayu and Matsuda dancing, which is a surprise to me but not altogether unbelievable - Sayu looks embarrassed but pleased, a shy sort of grin on her face, whilst Matsuda just looks flustered and goofy. It's obvious that Matusda asked her to dance and not the other way around, but I had to admit the sight was a cute one. Adorable even.

_Cause I know I'm good for something  
I just haven't found it yet  
And I need it_

Misa and Light are dancing too. Misa looks as if she is in pure bliss, her eyes squeezed shut, face nuzzled in his chest. She looks completely in love, the type of expression that belongs hand in hand with sparkles and randomly-appearing bubbles. Light… doesn't. I can see, even in a glance, that he's not looking at Misa. He's looking across the room at L, at his sad look-on gaze staring back; he's looking at the cluster of other popular guys, wondering how he's being judged, if he's being believable enough; he's even looking at me, something that can only be described as envy in his eyes.

_So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
I know he's there andYou're probably hanging out and making eyes  
While across the room he stares  
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes_

"I love this song," I murmur randomly, sliding my arms to wrap around his neck, which turns out to be much more natural and comfortable than my previous position. Matt chuckles, moving slightly to kiss the skin beside my ear.

"Well, I love _you,_" he tells me warmly, making me blush and burry my face in the crook of his arm again.

"Cheesy bastard," I muttered, nudging my hip against his.

I can tell he's grinning that goofy grin without even seeing him just by the tone in his voice, and the way he chuckles, the vibrations from the sound reverberating off on my chest and cheek. "I know," Matt replied warmly. I smile, because I can't help it. Not that I would want to - I have every reason to smile tonight.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say  
Or her to second guess  
But I guess  
That I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable at best_

Suddenly, in the middle of my mini-bliss moment, I'm aware of something. Or rather, someone. Someone staring at me, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up, my heartbeat racing just slightly. I can't usually tell when people are watching (let's face it, people watch me a lot) but this I can feel. It gives me chills.

I look over my shoulder, nerves on edge as I do, my hands unconsciously clutching around Matt's neck as I do, making it difficult to turn but not impossible.

_Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh _

Twisted at this awkward angle, I can see Jade staring across the room. For just an instant our eyes meet as I turn, and I can see the ice cold hatred shining in those clover-green eyes of hers. Tears, angry or sad I cannot tell from here, brim in her eyes, staining the makeup on her eyes. And honestly, she looks beautiful. Strappy but tasteful white dress that touches her ankles just lightly, hair done up in a fancy bobby-pin do. The moment is gone in a matter of seconds however and she turned away, stalking in the other direction.

Just before she was out of view, swallowed into the crowd of children, I swear I saw her smile.

_And this will be the first time in a week  
That I'll talk to youAnd I can't speak  
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep_

"She'll be okay," Matt whispers, as if he had read my mind, his lips just brushing my earlobe. I look up at him with wide eyes, surprised that he'd caught my train of thought since Jade had been only one in many in the crowd. But then, I shouldn't have been that shocked. Matt, from the day we met, seemed to know me better than I did. "She'll get over you, much as I know how hard that will be," he promised gently, brushing one hand through my hair. "She didn't love you, not like I love you. She'll be okay."

I smile, not because of Jade, but because I love him too. Burying my face in his chest, I whisper, "I wouldn't be okay if you left me, you know."

_Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek  
And I got the point that I should leave you alone  
But we both know that I'm not that strong  
And I miss the lips that made me fly_

Matt doesn't reply for a long time, simply swaying to the beat of the music and resting his chin against my forehead. For a moment, I'm afraid I've said something wrong, but when I glance up at him, he's smiling. It's a melancholy kind of smile, but a smile all the same, just as true and honest as the rest.

"You don't have to worry, Mel," Matt whispered after a while, pressing his lips against my forehead. He continued his words against my skin, and I can feel the smile there as he says, "I'll never leave you."

_So, let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
I know he's there and  
You're probably hanging out and making eyes_

I glance up over his shoulder for just a moment, spying L across the room. He's standing there with a brownie in hand, untouched, staring across the room with a look of pure misery in his eyes, and I know exactly where he's looking. I wonder, in the back of my mind, if Light ever promised him the same thing.

_While across the room he stares  
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes_

"I won't leave you either," I echo, closing my eyes to the view over Matt's shoulder. Praying inwardly that my words aren't a lie.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say  
Or her to second guess  
But I guess  
That I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable  
And I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable  
And I can live without you but  
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best..._

The song ends quite suddenly for me, Matt's dancing halting before mine does, sending me tripping just slightly over his shoes. He catches me easily, ending up with me leaning against his arms, held up by his grasp. When I look up, he's grinning.

"Klutz," Matt teases.

"Dumbass," I retort, but I know that I don't sound convincing. Especially not with the stupid grin I can't wipe off my face, at least. He keeps grinning too as I huff to my feet, adjusting my shirt. "Well that was a moment ruiner."

"Good," Matt replied simply. "Moments like that aren't meant to keep on going, otherwise our whole life would be a cheesy romance novel."

"Touché."

Matt grinned at me, hooking my arm with his as we head in a random direction, which happens to be passing B and A, who are still dancing. The song had changed to some crazy techno-rap-rock song with an insanely fast beat, and both of them were flailing around and flipping their hair around. They looked crazy, but like they were having a lot of fun - it was funny to see A look so excited.

I wonder if they spiked the punch…

Matt wanders over to the snack bar, apparently to get me another brownie (good Matt…), and I glance over to where L had been standing. I had been hoping to get a word in with him, but he was no where to be found, replaced by a cluster of emo-kids picking over the rice krispys. Oh well.

"Hey, isn't that L over there?" Matt inquired from beside me.

Well, or not 'oh well.'

I turned my head at the sound of Matt's voice, a feeling of confusion washing over me when I spotted what Matt had seen.

Said raven-haired man was shuffling across the dance floor towards Light, rather fast paced for him; Light was standing among a group of popular-esque guys (a few of which were football players, I think) all of which were laughing, Misa still clinging to light's arm. What was curious about the scene, though, was the expression on L's face. It was… _confused._

Me, being the snoop that I was, immediately abandoned the curious-looking Matt and semi-casually passed them, lingering amongst a group of gothy kids to listen in; luckily, I wasn't noticed. What I heard, though, I almost wished I didn't.

"Why do you hang out with that fag, anyway?" Andrew was asking, eyes narrowed with a confused scowl on his face. I recognized him as the running back for our school's football team, a generally popular guy. The kind of guy, also, that could easily break your arms on a whim.

Light seemed to recognize this too, shrugging his shoulders in that I'm-too-cool kind of way, smirk falling onto his lips easily. "Oh, L?" he inquired, letting out a chuckle that didn't sound forced but clearly was, at least clearly for _me. _"I don't even know, man, he kind of follows me around. He's like a stalker." At this, the blonde cherub clinging to his arm giggles.

I freeze as L does, my body going tense as the isnomatic's pencil-gray eyes widen, shock and hurt shining in his eyes. Light clearly doesn't see him, shrugging his shoulders and laughing along with Misa and the other guys.

Peter, a guy I know is on the basketball team and a notorious womanizer right along with Tristan but not quite as flashy about it, grins. "Poor you. Getting stalked by a gay. Gross," he laughed. He seemed to notice me then - my staring had gotten quite obvious - and he smirked in my direction before continuing, "Fags are so gross. Plus, doesn't L, like, perv on you? Misa said she spotted him staring at your ass."

Light pauses, obviously weighing his options, brown eyes calculating as he does. I stare him down, willing him to somehow get my message - _L is behind you, L is behind you, don't allow this. _I wonder, even now if, had he realized this, would he have still gone through with what he was about to say?

"Total pervert," Light agreed cheerfully, a semi-forced smile playing across his face. And then, if only to amuse the guys and the leech on his arm, he added, "I don't know why he keeps flirting with me. It's completely irritating - I'd ditch him, but he does my Maths homework." At this, the cluster around him breaks into amused, knowing chuckles, nodding their heads. Behind him, L is still frozen in place, eyes wide and tainted with disbelief. For a moment, I swear I see tears there.

"Harsh," Matt whispers, suddenly beside me. I'm not sure why I didn't notice him before, but I don't look up now, instead taking a step forward to either attack Light, flick off Peter, or hug L, I'm not sure. Either way, I have no chance to do any of the three, because L beats me to it.

The black-haired man took off immediately, grabbing Light by the back of the shirt. Poor guy had absolutely no warning - though I didn't feel a bit sorry for him - and immediately stumbled backwards, the leech that had currently been glued to his arm detaching and whirling around with wide, disbelieving, and angry blue eyes, joining the staring gazes of many, including the hustle of popular guys Light had been previously speaking to.

All of them are ignored in favor of L and Light's staring contest, which is what, from a distance, it would look like. Light standing leaning backwards mid-stumble, brown eyes wide and stunned, the expression reading something close to 'oh shit, what have I done?' And could you blame him, what with the expression on L's face? Said raven was gazing at him with a look of such hurt and heartbreak that my own heart had a shudder, and I wasn't even on that level with him; how it must have effected Light, I could only imagine. I found myself staring at his usually-emotional face as it expressed such overwhelming pain. Watching as Light's eyes followed a single tear as it escaped L's eyes, falling across his pale cheek and dripping almost unnoticed onto his shirt. For an instant, all around them was still, all who noticed staring in disbelief and shock.

And then L lunged, quite suddenly, at the brunette, tackling him to the floor.

I heard Matt shout 'holy fuck!' beside me as I ran over to get a better look, his hand clasping in mine as he followed me through the immediately growing crowd. The expression on Light's face would have been pricelessly hilarious in any other situation, eyes wide and boggling, jaw slightly slack as the raven-haired man pinned him down, a look of fury bright in his eyes.

"Fuck you, Light Yagami!" L whispered monotonously, digging his fingers into his shoulders as his usually-wide panda-eyes narrowed into slits.

"You wish!" Peter shouted from a few feet off. This was mostly ignored, save for a few obnoxious chuckles and a shoot of a middle finger, directed from the lovely Matt beside me. I would have done the same, had I not been focused on what happened next.

"L, come on, cut it out," Light hissed, trying to wriggle free. This failed miserably, though, because as soon as he started to struggle a fist connected with his jaw, L slugging him in the face without any sign of mercy. The brunette gasped in pain, and I saw blood on his lips.

The shouts of _fight fight fight _around me were overbearing, but I hardly noticed, eyes locked on the scene. Beside me, Matt was tense, as if ready to take off and run at any moment.

"I won't," L whispered angrily, leaning his head forward in a rather menacing way. "I refuse to take any more shit from you. Decide."

"Decide?" Light squeaked, a truly bewildered look on his face. Across the room, I glanced at Misa. Her face had gone deathly pale, icy blue eyes flickering in distain. Beside her, Andrew was grinning - clearly, he had no idea how deep this went.

"You heard me," L replied in his usual blank tone, "Am I yours, or not?"

_Yours. _It was such an innocent word to so many, I believe, most face's going to blank confusion or semi-understanding, none really knowing but for a save few. Beyond's eyes had narrowed across the room, the gray-haired boy beside him looking panicked. Misa had gone white, eyes squeezed shut - what she was thinking, I couldn't tell. Andrew looked amused - obviously still oblivious. Peter seemed to have some sort of inkling of understanding, eyes boggling out. Matt looked as if he had just stepped into a soap opera, eyes wide and lets-get-popcorn-esque. I could only stare, heart pounding in my ears.

Light's face had gone almost white. I could almost see the thoughts going through his eyes, calculating as ever as he stared at the raven above him. For a long moment, I had no idea what to expect, hearing nothing but my own breathing and the blasting music in my ears, dimly aware of the yelling of teachers in the background, barely noticeable at all.

Then Light did something I'd never expect from him. He punched L.

Yep, punched him. Right in the stomach. The raven-haired man gasped in shock and pain, thrown to the side and rolling over, a groan of agony escaping his lips, accompanied by several gasps and woots from the crowd. Light's expression was blank as he curled to a sitting position, watching as L withered on the ground for a second before recovering, giving him a pair of wide, hurt panda eyes.

"That was for punching me," Light explained blankly, grabbing L by the hem of his shirt and jerking him quite roughly upwards. L's eyes widened as Light met his eyes with a glare, amber eyes flickering as they met gray.

"Eye for an eye," L whispered, still monotonous.

Then, surprise de surprise, Light suddenly smiled. It was forced, but it was there, and it was honest as the words he spoke next. "And this, you fucking bastard, is because I've been a jerk," he said. L had barely enough time to blink in surprise before Light threw his arms around the isnomatic's waist, crushing him into a bear hug. L's eyes widened in shock, frozen for a moment before he almost immediately melted into his arms, relaxing into the embrace. Had I not been paying utmost attention (and been a total snoop) I almost wouldn't have heard the whisper Light uttered next. "Sorry for forgetting who I really cared about."

"I don't forgive you," L replied just as quietly, burying his face in the crook of Light's shoulder. Around me, I could see a million bewildered stares, echos of 'awww' and 'what', and quite a few glares. Surprisingly, Misa wasn't glaring, which was a complete shock to me. She simply stared, gaze blank and emotionless, a frozen figure in a sea of excited movement.

When L was finally released, Light turned his head just slightly to the staring Misa. In his eyes, I saw 'I'm so sorry. I can't help it.'. To my shock, a smile touched Misa's lips at the gaze. And then I saw her mouth, 'I know.'

It was a blur for a few moments after that. Light helped L up just as a teacher broke through the barricade of students, much too late for reprimand. Andrew and Peter were ignored in favor of Light helping L across the room, despite their pestering questions. I found myself simply standing there, blank and disbelieving.

Did Light just… come to terms? It was a hard concept to grasp.

"That was intense," Matt whispered to me, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips and freeing me from my frozen, disbelieving state. I laughed, surprised to find it full-hearted, looking up at the redhead that was now smiling warmly at me. "You never talked about me like that, did you?" he inquired suddenly, blinking.

I rolled my eyes, punching him in the shoulder. "Tch. As if," I replied mildly, rolling my eyes. "I happen to love you, and besides, even when I thought I was straight -" at this, he rolled his eyes, but I only ignored him "- I liked you enough not to hurt you that way."

"Even if I was a stalker," Matt added cheerfully, nudging me.

I nudged back. "Indeed."

I felt Matt's arm come around to my waist, touching the small of my back semi-innocently. His eyes were dancing with mischief and affection, grin splitting his face. "Hey, is there somewhere quiet? I kind of wanna kiss you now," he commented casually, as if it were a completely normal thing to suggest.

I paused, tilting my head just slightly to study him. Then I grinned despite myself, and rolled my eyes again. "Screw privacy, waiting is for losers," I told him bluntly. Before he had time to register this I stood up on my tiptoes, wrapping my arms around his neck and crushing my lips to his.

Hey, bad timing my ass, I can make out whenever I feel like it, right?

Right. At least, Matt seemed to think so, since after his initial shock-freeze he smirked into the kiss, hands sliding up my back to tangle in my hair. I don't bother to listen to the squeals, shouts, gasps, or groans in response that echo around me, instead squeezing my eyes shut and simply melting into the kiss until we break it off (which is pretty soon, since we're not going to seriously _make out _in the middle of the dance, right?) mostly for oxygen, me burying my blushing face in his chest as he smirked, hand protectively placed on the small of my neck.

I was so comfortable in that moment I almost didn't notice the other people around us. The fan girls jumping around and squealing about how one of them got a picture on their cell phone, judgmental glares and scowls, disgusted looks from guys, sneers from cheerleaders, approving thumbs-up from a few people (including Halle), encouraging smiles from a few. None of them really mattered though, and I closed my eyes, smiling against his chest.

_Happiness. So this is what it feels like… Hold on to it. Hold on to it fast and hard… because it never lasts…_

* * *

The dance was over before I knew it. The rest of it was rather uneventful in comparison to the beginning. We mingled with my friends a lot, danced, and drank spiked punch. A and Matt got along very well, surprisingly so, and Matt actually managed to make the gray-haired boy laugh quite a lot. Beyond was still suspicious as ever, though he seemed to approve of the redhead. Halle still loved Matt, and Weddy followed suit as I expected, though the two girls mostly chilled with their female friends rather than the two of us. Matt and I got a bit tipsy and sang a duet on karaoke - I don't remember what song we sang, except that Matt tripped over the cord and did a face plant. L and Light vanished from the dance, and the rumor was that they either eloped or died somewhere (neither of which were probably true). Misa was hussled into the bathroom by a group of weepy girls, but surprisingly left the bathroom with a look of confidence and determination; it gave me hope that she would be okay. As suspected by A, B managed to stain his shirt with jam-filled donut. Peter dumped punch on Matt and A while they were giggling and jumping around over some Johnny Depp reference, and Beyond wasted no time kneeing him in the crotch, which was amusing. We danced a lot, despite our obvious lack of skills. We also ended up dancing with quite a few girls, since it was girl's choice, mostly fan girls who had been in love with me for like ever or just wanted to question me through the girl-choice song. This, accompanied by way too many brownies and glasses of spiked punch, equaled a very hyper Mello at the end of the day.

"That was cray-zeeeee!" I announced rather loudly, laughing as we escaped into the cold night air outside the school. Matt laughed appreciatively at my outburst, throwing his arm around my now-goosebump-covered arms in attempt to either warm me up or just be boyfriend-y as always. It didn't matter to me, either way I nuzzled closer to him; he was surprisingly extremely warm.

"Dude, we need to get home fast," Matt chuckled when I shivered, the hair on the back of my neck standing up. Luckily Matt's car was parked close to the school, the red Camaro looking quite welcoming sitting there that way. Luckily Matt wasn't drunk, unlike me (I was only really a little tipsy, but whatever) so he could drive us home. "It's freezing!"

"I know right!" I laughed, nodding. As we approached the car, I noticed that there was a paper shoved under the windshield wiper, and I snatched it and read it before Matt could. For some reason, the words made me laugh. _"Gay. _Ha! How original!"

"Pff, how insulting!" Matt laughed sarcastically, snatching the paper and crumpling it in his hand. I giggled stupidly as he tossed it into the air and punted it, watching as the paper flew and promptly knocked some random cheerleader in the back of the head. By the time she spun around to glare we were already bolting towards the car, stumbling over one another to pile into the Camaro and driving away, escaping the school in a fit of giggles.

"That was so fun!" I announced, giggling cheerfully. Matt grinned at me, eyeing me in the review mirror as we scooted our way through the escape-the-school-dance traffic, green eyes glittering. Suddenly, I found myself blurting, "I love your eyes.""You're told me this before, yes," Matt laughed, shaking his head. I stuck my tongue out at him, crossing my arms over my chest as we finally pulled onto the road.

"Yeah so, I'm saying it again, jackass," I told him promptly, flicking him off. He clearly took it just as seriously as I did, bursting into sarcastic laughter in response. I grinned.

"Alright," Matt announced, chuckling. "I think we're a little drunk.""No way, seriously?" I questioned, frowning deeply. The frown lasted only a few second before I started giggling again, covering my yes with one hand. "Ha, yeah, I am sorta drunk! Aha!"

"Just be glad I have high tolerance for alchoh- SQUIRRIEL!" Matt suddenly cut off and shrieked, laying on the horn and slowing the pace of the car suddenly. I lurched forward in my seat, thankful for once for my seatbelt, discovering a small rodent currently chilling in the middle of the road in our car's path. Immediately the creature took off and into the small area of woods on the other side of the road, allowing Matt to go forward again at a stroll pace, panic sending my heart pounding in my chest.

After a long, bewildered silence, I blurted, "Don't drive drunk?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

We were quiet almost the rest of the way home, bewildered not only the squirrel experience but tired out by the hype of the previous night. So instead of talking we did normal t hings - him driving, me watching. Well, perhaps the abnormal thing was that I wasn't watching out the window, I was watching Matt, or rather staring at him, but whatever. I couldn't stop just watching the way his lips moved, mouthing curses whenever someone pulled in front of him or grinning whenever he glanced over at me.

I did like those lips.

…yep, I was definitely drunk.

"Home sweet home!" Matt cooed as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, bounding quite happily out of the car to my car door before I could even get my seatbelt to unbuckle, helping me - or rather pulling me - out of the car and shutting the door behind me.

I grinned at him. "I don't know if you're being a gentlemen or a pushy asshole, Matto," I teased, stepping lightly on his foot. Matt grinned back at me, shoving my shoulder playfully, receiving a full-on shove to the chest from me in response.

"Neither," Matt quipped cheerfully, reaching out to grab my hand, swinging it playfully back and forth between us. I roll my eyes, deciding not to respond except to squeeze his hand and follow him into the apartment, laughing a little as he suddenly took off at the door, dragging me along with him as he flew up the stairs much too fast, causing me to trip several times in a fit of giggles and curses that echoed down the stairwell, fluently frightening the old man making his gradual way the other direction when we passed him. Hopefully we didn't give him a stroke, but in any case we were both a bit out of breath when we arrived at the sixth floor, panting and laughing as we leaned against the stairwell door.

"You… are… a jackass…" I reminded him breathily, unable to stop the grin that was frozen on my face. Matt rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, but you love me anyway," he reminded me cheerfully, lightly punching me on the shoulder in that teasing fashion.

"Yep," I replied warmly, leaning to the left and kissing him on the cheek. "I'm a psycho bitch, you're a goofy jackass, perfect match, right?"

"Right," Matt agreed. And then, out of seemingly no where, he promptly proceeded to press his lips to mine, startling me out of my reperee of teasing air at the intensity that he did so, his arms coming around my waist and pulling me closer.

I didn't hesitate despite my surprise, all worries going completely ignored in my mind - alcohol? - as I allowed myself to be pulled into him, melting into the kiss and allowing his lips to part mine, his tongue invading my mouth. There's no fight for dominance in usual in the kiss, his lips simply taking mine and pulling me in without question. I don't mind, though, dragging my fingernails down the thin fabric of the shirt on his back.

Somehow he managed to half pull, half lead me to our room, holding me with one hand tangled in my hair while he kissed me, the other hand fumbling with his keys at the door handle. I paused to gasp for any sort of breath, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks, just as the door swung open and invited us in to his - our - apartment.

"Hmmm…" Matt murmured, pressing his lips to mine again. I hesitate for a moment as he tugged me gently towards the inside of our apartment, dragging my feet a bit. _This is the borderline, _my mind reminded me. _This is where you have privacy. This is where everything could happen. _

Weather it was because I trusted him or because I was drunk I couldn't tell you, but perhaps it was a mix of the two. Either way I allowed myself to be pulled into the apartment, barely noticing as the door swung shut behind us, my mind focused on where his hand had traveled up the back of my shirt, tracing down my spine to rest on the small of my back; too focused on the attempt to make our way to the couch without tripping over one another's feet and keeping the kiss intact, in the end failing with me stumbling backwards and loosing my grip, falling sideways onto the couch, kiss broken and gasping for breath.

Matt hesitated above me as I scrambled into a seated position, the blush burning on both of our cheeks glowing pink. I looked up at him, watching as he studied me with his expressive green eyes I loved so much. Looking at them, I could practically read his mind. He was uncertain, afraid to hurt me or scare me, but the love that caused that was causing him to want, want, want. And I knew what he wanted, too, because I wanted it too. So I squeezed my eyes shut and reached out, grabbing him by the hem of his shirt and tugging him forward, feeling the blush on my cheeks and knowing it probably envied Matt's hair at this point.

He hesitated. "Mello, this is risky… you're drunk, and I'm…" he trailed off, but I could read what he meant. He meant that he would do it, whatever _it _was, no matter how sober he was because he loved me. He meant he just barely clinging to control.

And I understood that feeling all too well.

"I know," I whispered, pulling on his shirt more forcefully. Gradually he complied, sliding onto the couch beside me. I opened my eyes a crack, almost afraid to look him in the face as I wriggled forwards, so that I was sitting crouched between his knees.

After a few hesitating moments Matt moved forward, his hand brushing across my shoulder before coming up to cup my face in his palm, shifting me upwards so that I was facing him. I was shocked at how close his face was to mine initially, drowning for a moment in the deep green of his eyes, but the shock was replaced with relief when I saw the gentle smile on his face and the affection that resided in his expression.

"Keep your eyes on me," Matt whispered breathily, placing a soft kiss on my lips before moving back to meet my eyes gain. I blink at him, not quite understanding his meaning for a moment in my fogging mind, but the reason there quickly surfaced in my mind. _Don't forget that it's Matt. Don't let your mind go elsewhere._

I slowly nodded, keeping my eyes on him as his kisses headed downwards, landing tiny nips and around my chin and ear before trailing down to my neck. Southward his hands were already making quick work of pulling my shirt upwards, gradually until they reached a point where he had to back up slightly to pull it off. I complied, pulling back for just a moment so that he could pull it off over my head, my arms unconsciously staying in their lifted position over my head as I laid back on my back, head cushioned by the couch.

It was almost shocking, even after everything, how gentle he was as he crawled his way over me, brushing my hair from my face before leaning downwards, placing tiny butterfly kisses on my throat. I had to giggle a little at the touches, causing a grin to spread over his face when he moved away, green eyes twinkling.

The gentleness did not recede even as the more feverent, passionate emotion came into effect once again, the carefulness still obvious even as he crushed his lips on to mine once again, not bothering to ask silent permission before working my mouth open to deepen it.

I could feel the little, panicky Mihael inside of me sounding the alarm in the back of my mind, but I kept myself from giving in, instead joining in with the fever Matt was expressing, though I suppose I wasn't exactly gentle. Rather forcefully I reached my hands downwards, grabbing his shirt by the hem and unbuttoning each of the buttons with haste, pausing only to let him wriggle out of the sleeves before tossing it to the side and returning to the frenetic kiss.

"You're so bipolar," Matt muttered against my lips, pulling away from me and breaking it. A discontented moan escaped my lips without permission at the sudden depart of the kiss, but the disappointment was quickly replaced by heated intensity when Matt moved again, hands sliding down my throat, chest, and stomach, ending to rest at my hips, leaving cold tingles in their wake. I sucked in a breath as his lips followed the path downwards, heart pounding in my chest. As he ran his lips above my heart, I wondered if he could hear it beating too fast.

"Matt…" I gasped as Matt dragged his teeth gently against my nipple, causing a hiccup of both pleasure and surprise to go though me. Matt grinned, pressing his lips there and continuing to toy with me, causing me to squirm and blush. But I hardly had any power to stop him at the moment, if I had even wanted to, as his kisses left that spot to trail down my ribcage, sending cold chills down my spine when he finally reached the hem of my pants with his kisses, meeting with his fingers that still rested there before moving away again to meet my eyes.

The expression I found in the green depths in front of me told me all I needed to know. He was asking permission to go on. "I can stop now if you want me to," Matt whispered gently, carefully, though I could see in his eyes that he didn't want to. "I won't be upset. Do you want me to stop?"

Slowly, almost uncertainly, I brought my own hands to rest on his chest. Feeling his heartbeat there, pounding gently against my fingertips, I realized I already knew the answer.

"No."

_**A/N: Chapter ends now. :D Ha-ha, sucks for you. The next chapter, undeniably, will be lemon. Woo. Sorry this chapter is kind of sudden and snazzy and unrealistic and such. It was almost physically painful to write because of this, but I had to get it over with and close up some stuff, because thsi story is almost over. The Yagami Perdiciment isn't just going to end like that, we'll get more info on why Misa reacted how she did and such later on, i promise i won't leave you hanging there, but i need to focus on Matt and Mello (obviously) for now. :P the drama WILL come back after these few next chapters, I promise you. This isn't going to be all happy-sparkly-love-joy for the rest of the story. But then, you know me better than that…**_

_**Hope you enjoyed. :P next chapter might be coming kind of slow, since 1) lemon's aren't a high point of skill for me and 2) I have a co-authoring to work on with the lovely Atryel (which will be available for reading on my page soon)**_


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: first of all, I'd like to apologize (again) for how dreadfully long this chapter took to update. I'm not too good at writing lemons, as you will discover w hen you write this, but I promised one… so here it is. : P enjoy.**

"No."

The word felt unfamiliar on my lips, as did the sound of my voice as it echoed through the room. I sounded so sure of myself, so certain of the predicament and what I wanted. This was misleading because, inside of me, I was conflicted and confused. I wanted him, I knew that - all of him. But I knew that, to get that, I had to face what I feared the most. And that…

"I need you to be sure," Matt whispered, clearly seeing the panic gleaming in my eyes. I met his eyes tentatively once again, seeing the warmth there. I could also see the want, the _need_ that festered there. I liked to think that, for at least part of me, the feeling was mutual.

_Something's got to give… _I thought silently, smiling a little despite myself. I'd been thinking that a lot lately.

"Mello?" he whispered, lifting himself partially upwards, clearly thinking I was about to refuse him. But one deep intake of breath later, and there was no longer any need for question further, nor any way to - my lips had closed over him, making it rather difficult for him to speak anything.

Matt seemed to hesitate as I pulled myself against him, but I didn't allow myself the same action, parting his lips with mine almost forcefully. He tasted like nicotine. When he didn't stop hesitating except to kiss me back I furthered my action, slipping my hands into his loose-leather pants and not allowing myself time to think about what I was doing until I was groping his butt.

He stopped hesitating for a while after that.

"Bipolar," Matt growled lovingly, shoving me back down on the bed with an air of gentleness, returning us back to our original position. He didn't bother with the trial of kisses this time, instead simply going back to his lowered position and sliding his fingertips along the hem of my pants. The motion sent a chill up my spine, my hip bones twitching in response. Matt chuckled, distracting me a tiny bit before my pants were jerked down to my feet. After a split second of hesitation, I kicked them off, not bothering to check where they landed.

I relaxed a bit when he took focus away form my lower regions (for now), leaning forwards again to continue to kiss me, one hand sliding across my chest gently. I found myself raking my nails down his back instinctively, despite k nowing it must sting, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it, his back arching slightly as I did so, kiss becoming more ravenous in response.

Just because I was feeling a bit over-confident because of this feat I allowed my hands to trail down his back and slide under his leather pants, finding his ass there again and smirking into the kiss when he gasped into the kiss. "Nice ass," I purred, squeezing teasingly.

Matt chuckled and wriggled so that my hand slid away, his own hands coming down to my crotch and pulling down the boxers, a smirk on his face as well. "Nice erection," he replied coyly.

_Oh._

I blushed deeply, confidence retreating to the back of my mind to be replaced with embarrassment. Of course, I've had an erection before, but I believed that Matt might have been the first one to actually comment on it. Matt laughed under his breath at my expression, which I imagine must have been priceless. "You're so cute."

I scoffed, still blushing madly. "You keep saying that," I muttered embarrassedly. He grinned.

"That's because it keeps being insanely true," he reminded me softly. Before I can make a retort, though, his hand has suddenly grasped the earlier-mentioned organ in his hand, cupping it with enough friction to make me scream out - "Matt!" - but softly enough so that it wasn't painful. I doubted at that point that, even if it had hurt, I would have cared. The pleasure overpowered anything else - including my panicky thoughts.

"Well…." I managed to choke out, "I'd prefer… a less.. Fe- ah! - minine term.." I barely managed the retort, though, because he was apparently _really _good at hand jobs. _Fuck. _I'd only gotten one hand job in my entire life, and that was from Darkfire, but half way through I shoved her away because someone came in (I had been secretly grateful for it, though).

Matt chuckled, bringing me back to the present by kissing me on the neck again. The way he did it, it was clear he was trying to make a hickey there, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Especially when he mumbled, "Would sexy be better?"

I didn't bother to reply, not that I think I even could, my vision clouding with stars while my heart threatened to explode in my chest. Just when I thought I couldn't take too much more Matt's hand suddenly retreated, leaving my body screaming for a finish.

"Matt!" I squealed, withering a little as he moved away briefly, eyes flying all the way open again to look up at him. He was smiling gently.

"Calm down, you can't be finishing this far ahead…" he murmured teasingly, kissing me briefly on the mouth again. _Of course I can't, we're going all the way this time, _my mind whispered. _Are you ready for this, really?_

The thought sent an unwanted spiral of panic through my system and I squeezed my eyes shut unconsciously, my body automatically bracing itself, fingers digging into the plush couch coushin. I felt him shifting above me, and I tried hard to make myself relax again. The effort turned out to be in vain, however, because the only action he actually took was to run his fingers through my hair, an action so gentle and unexpected that my eyes fluttered open again. When I met his eyes, he had a thoughtful expression on his face.

"You're still scared," Matt whispered a little sadly, rubbing his thumb over my cheek.

I couldn't lie to him. "A little," I murmured. Then, a bit more strongly, "But I still… I still… want this." It was the truth, as uncertain as I sounded - I _did _want this, and if I didn't have the experience I had, I would have had it by now.

Matt suddenly smirked and, before I could say anything in protest, his hands came around me and he had flipped us over, so that I was sitting on his stomach. The panic faded almost immediately, replaced with confusion and slight disturbance. It was odd to be looking down at him, what with that playful smirk on his face. "What the heck?" I inquired.

Matt smiled. "Wouldn't this be easier for you?" he inquired quietly, reaching - upwards this time - to caress my cheek. His palm felt cool against my burning cheeks. "I won't mind. If you're afraid, I can be bottom." When I only stared at him, he reached for my hand, grasping it's limp form in his own strong fingers and pulling it to his hands, planting tiny little kisses there. "I mean it. I love you."

I felt a shudder go through me, waking me to reality. _Me, on top. _It sounded so much easier, simpler… less painful. The easiest way out, for certain, and it would be more than certainly more comfortable for me.

I smile back and whisper the truth - "I love you too" - and, with some effort, wrap my arm around his shoulder and flip us over again, wincing a little as he crushes me slightly beneath him before recovering and sitting up again, a shocked expression on his face. I let my smile soften to a tiny half-smile, the blush on my cheeks receding a bit, overpowered by the searching gaze on Matt's face. "That's why I can't do that to you. I won't become Gabriel, Matt."

Matt faltered, but gave it one last try, whispering, "It wouldn't hurt me, Mello. It doesn't hurt if we do it properly."

"It doesn't matter, I just can't," I whispered, leaning up to plant another kiss on his lips. "Please just…" I let my voice drop to a husky tone, "_Take me now._" I hadn't ever really played the part of 'uke' In a sexual relationship before, at least not to this extreme, but the 'voice' seemed to work. A blush spread across his face to match his growing smirk. Giving in to my will without another argument, it seemed.

Sliding over me again he proceeded. Through the way he was kissing me now, needy and passionate in nature at this point, I almost didn't notice when the bottle of lube appeared from under the couch. My thoughts, for a second, wandered to _he keeps his lube beside his gun? _before shoving all thoughts from the bottle (and the weapon) from my mind, especially since there was quite a bit of friction between my neglected member and his own to keep me occupied (and digging my nails into his shoulder blades.)

"Alright… here we go, here's one…" Matt whispered, shifting a bit again. I knew it was coming, of course, but I was still shocked when a lubricated finger slid into my asshole. I mean, it's not every day something gets stuck up there, you know?

Anyway, I yelped, "Aa-aah… Matt…." much louder than I needed to. It wasn't painful, at all, really, so much as strange and a bit uncomfortable. It seemed to not have too bad of an effect on Matt, though, who had a rather strained look on his face - it was clear (to me) that he couldn't keep pacing him self so slowly like this.

I'd already made my choice - I wouldn't make him.

"Two…" Matt counted softly, breath brushing my stomach dangerously close to my member, which twitched in anticipation (still painfully hard). I sucked in a breath as he slid not one more but _two _more fingers in, shocking me slightly a nd making me yelp.

"Liar!" I snapped, blushing harshly. The feeling was highly uncomfortable now, almost painful, especially since his fingers wiggled a bit once inside. There was something intoxicating about it too, though, the sensation I mean. The sight of it, when I craned my neck (originally to shoot him a playful glare but instead getting trained… elsewhere), was quite the lust-inducing one.

He chuckled. "Sorry, angel," he whispered, proceeding to scissor his fingers apart. I knew this was to prepare me and stretch out the entrance, so it would hurt less, but still it was a weird feeling. It wasn't as if anyone had prepared me before this, and the lubricant felt-

My odd train of thought was abruptly cut off when his fingers brushed that special little spot down below and a moan tore out of my throat, back arching automatically to call for secondary contact. Matt's eyes glazed over, clearly adoring the noise, but I barely noticed this before I threw my head back, my breath becoming shaggy. When his fingers brushed the spot again, I saw white. _God bless the prostate._

Suddenly my body was moving on it's own and I grasped his hand, the hand inside of me that is, and pulled it out, ignoring the slight pain that came from the haste. When Matt gasped in shock and a bit of hurt I could reply only with action. Without really thinking about it I threw my legs over his shoulders, ignoring the uncomfortable stretching in the down-south and managing to hiss, "I need you _now,_ Matty."

"My god you're bipolar…" Matt murmured affectionately, leaning down to nuzzle my nose. I gasped and blushed again, irritated by his reaction, only to hiss in shock when the tip of his member brushed against my entrance, causing me to tense up instinctively. Matt kissed me again, gently and in a caressing way, gentle and anti-aggressive. I melted into the kiss immediately, opening my mouth to give him access, all the while aware of him adjusting his body accordingly to mine, pressing my legs further backwards with his shoulders.

"Ready?" he whispered sliding his hands down my waist.

I nod. "Not really," I admitted softly. Then I smiled, leaning back a bit more. "But do it anyway."

Matt obliged, sliding slowly into me. I let out a holler despite my resolve not to, my nails dragging from his back and down the backs of his arms. He was slick with lubricant, so it wasn't even close to being as painful as it could have been, but still it hurt. My eyes flew open without my permission to find Matt staring at me, his teeth clenched tightly; I could tell by his expression that he was struggling to be patient with me, his breaths becoming heavy and strained despite the grin on his face.

I sucked in a breath before nodding my head again, blinking away the sweat that had trickled into my eyes as I whispered, "_Move._" Then, just to prove it so, I reached upwards and, with some effort, tangled my hand in his hair, pulling myself upwards to steal a quick, hard kiss, one that left my lips tingling as I fell back against the couch coushin.

Once again Matt obeyed, sliding backwards almost out of me and thrusting forward again. Out of habit I bit down on my bottom lip, squeezing my eyes shut. The feeling was painful at first, as I knew it would be; I found myself wriggling my hips in discomfort as he did it a second time, a third. Before I could start any sort of complaint, though, he hit _that._

"Oh, fuck, MATT!" I heard myself scream, eyes flying open again. Matt's strained expression shifted into a large grin at my reaction, shifting his position slightly to support himself with one hand, the other one sliding to grasp my weeping cock. Immediately all thoughts of panic were wiped from my mind, fogged over to be replaced with intense need for more. And I let this be k nown, digging my nails into the back of Matt's arms and shouting something I'd never thought I'd ever ask for: "Harder!"

And harder he did. He thrust into me again and again, hitting that spot without missing even once: the pleasure was undeniably unmatchable, overpowering the pain by a long shot. Just to add to the way it was unbearably amazing, he pumped me in time to his thrusts, sending me straight for the edge. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip, throwing my head back as he did this; I could hear his ragged breath in my ear, but somehow that only made it even better.

"Don't bite your lip," he whispered suddenly, his voice husky and tight. "I want… hear you," he managed through his labored breathing. I almost laughed, or would have, had the first thing that come out of my mouth when I opened it not been a loud moan.

When my vision blurred into white again, I was so far over the edge I barely had time to scream his name at the top of my lungs before I emptied onto his stomach. That was apparently enough for Matt, because he immediately emptied inside of me in reaction, hissing my name under his breath. The feeling of his cum inside of me was strangely intoxicating and I let out a final purr before collapsing inwards on myself, my breath coming in labored - but not pained - breaths.

Matt let out a contented sigh and he laid down, careful not to crush me beneath him but still curling me underneath him, pulling me into a careful embrace. I hummed and found a smile slipping across my face, curling closer to him automatically and burying my face in his bare chest, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me. My smile widened when I realized I could hear his heartbeat in my ear.

"I love you," I whispered softly, running my fingertips over his chest.

Matt held me even tighter, nuzzling his nose in my hair. "I love you, too," he replied softly, his voice full of meaning and adoration. Silently, I prayed that my voice sounded just as loving and true as his did. I prayed he knew I loved him just as much as he loved me, and that I wanted this as much as he did.

When he tilted my head upwards and kissed me, softly and sweetly, I felt sure that he did.

* * *

We ended up laying there on that couch forever, tired and worn not just from the sexual encounter but from the day previous. A wonderful day. I laid there beside him, nuzzled against him and listening to his breathing and the accompanying heartbeat, feeling his hands run through my hair at a gradually slowing pace until he stopped, hand resting on the small of my back limply. I knew then that he was asleep, and I sighed, listening to his breaths become steady and soft.

I hadn't ever fallen asleep beside someone after an encounter like this; my sexual encounters previously hadn't exactly had happy endings. I'd never simply snuggled against someone and fallen asleep beside them, knowing I loved them….

And as I laid there, loving him and knowing I couldn't ever hurt him, let anyone hurt him… knowing that I cared for him more than I could ever care for myself… I knew today would be no different.

Slowly, silently, I slid away from him, careful not to wake him from his slumber. He shifted the tiniest bit when I was fully away from him, his hands moving to find me even in his sleep; I smiled, almost crying at the sight, and laid a pillow there instead. He pulled it into him, softly and gently, not seeming to know the difference in his slumber.

"Have good dreams," I whispered to him, knowing he didn't hear me in his unconscious state. Then, holding myself together, I crouched down to peek under the couch. I found what I needed with ease - he hadn't changed the hiding spot. _You trust me too much… _I told him silently, reaching under the couch. My hands closed around something cold - the pistol.

That was what I needed.

Taking in a deep breath I pulled it out and slid, still naked, through the house. Pulled on my leather pants, and went to get my leather jacket… then stopped and instead pulled on Matt's shirt, the one he'd had on before I'd torn it off of him during our love-making. _Don't think about that right now, _I told myself, sliding it onto my body and, taking a moment to take in the scent of it - the scent of _him _- I hurried back into the living room to leave.

Before I did, though, I paused at the couch. Watched silently as Matt slept, unbeknownst as to what I was doing, the expression on his face not quite peaceful, tense, as if he was having a nightmare. I had a dreading feeling that it was probably my fault.

"I love you," I whispered, resisting the urge to return to my place laying beside him. "I'll see you soon."And with those words, I slipped out the door and shut it with an almost inaudible click, praying inwardly that those words were the truth.

But even if they weren't… I sighed, my fingertips lingering a moment over the gun in my pocket before I made my way down the hallway. _This is what I have to do._

**A/N: Confused yet? I am too. (no I'm not, that's a lie, I wrote the damn thing, remember?) Anyways… yeah. The lemon was painful to write and I rather hated it myself, but hopefully you like it more than I do. :P also, the ending to this is fail. Oh well, again. Cliffie… again! The next update will be much quicker, don't fret!**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: SEE? SEE? A FAST UPDATE! I can do it, see? Now thank me with lots of great reviews, okay? We've already got over 200! (I'm so proud - I love all you guys!) And just so you know, when the sentences get choppy, they're suppose to be like that. **

It's funny to think that , not four weeks ago, I considered myself strong. Strong enough to take care of myself, and strong enough to bear through everything without any help. Now, standing here all over again, I don't feel strong at all. Even with the gun shoved in the back of my pants, even with the strong stature I've forced myself to stand with, I know I'm just as weak as I know I've always been.

_How did I end up here again?_

This wasn't where I ever wanted to end up again. Back at this house. This house that I'd been avoiding all this time… this place where I should have never ended up again. If I'd been rational, I would have asked for help from someone who knew the way, the legal way, to help me. I would have asked Matt. Or L. Or even just a random cop.

But I was already here. It was too late to go back on it now.

Taking another deep breath through my nose I take the final steps forward, towards the door I'd walked in countless times before. When my hand closed over the door handle, I felt like Mihael for just a moment again; for a moment, I felt like that boy I used to be. I felt like the little blonde boy who came home every day and fled to his room, desperate to avoid anything that might hurt him. The boy who would sacrifice himself without even thinking that there might be another way, another life besides being _this. _For a moment…

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open. Just as it did before I left, it creaked as it opened, alerting anyone inside of my presence. But as the door clacked against the back wall, nobody came racing down the steps; no mother ran down the steps to greet me. _She's probably hung-over somewhere, asleep, _I predicted silently, sighing. But no - I should be glad. I didn't want her to be involved.

Instead of worrying on that point I headed down the hallway, moving fast while I still had the nerve to move at all. I froze for a moment when I passed my room, my eyes training on the semi-familiar space. The door hung wide open on it's hinges, and I could see inside. The entire room was trashed - sheets strewn on the floor, mattress thrown across the room, computer thrown to the ground with the screen shattered, laundry thrown everywhere, books abused and thrown against the wall, left in a pile against it, the few papers and posters I had up on the wall torn down and left in shreds. The only thing that remained untouched where I had left it were the bloodstains on the floor. _Gabriel had another tantrum, _was my first thought. Then, _good riddance. I always hated that room._

I hurried away before any memories could overtake me, thoughts of what happened on that very mattress threatening to peek through the shield I had put over my temporarily-blurred mind. Right now, I had to focus.

My footsteps echoed through the corridor as I made my way to the room at the end of the hall, one that I hadn't entered since I was very young. Nine, maybe. Even before he started raping and hurting me, he'd been bringing home those _girls… _I hadn't ever liked his room anyway. Still… I reached forward and timidly grasped the handle, twisting it slowly. _What if he's inside? _a small, panicked voice in the back of my mind cried.

_Then I'll shoot his brains out, _I answered. Somehow, it didn't occur to me that I was probably lying when I thought that, pushing the door open with haste. The room was messy as it always was when I saw it left open - laundry strewn about on the floor, more than a few beer bottles discarded on the floor, bed sheets vanished (probably used), drawers hanging open, closet doors broken but still hanging barely by a hinge or two… the average brother bedroom, minus the brother.

I was almost disappointed that he wasn't there, honestly. Sighing, I allowed my hand to slip away from where the gun was situated in my pants and stroll into the room. I was almost surprised that nothing suddenly jumped out to attack me when I reached the center of the room, stepping on discarded t-shirts as I went, but nothing did.

"Hello?" I called experimentally, cursing myself at how small and trembling my voice sounded despite my attempt at being bold. Still, even as my voice echoed down the corridors of the residence, nobody appeared to meet me. _Maybe he really isn't home. Maybe he's with some girl… _I shuddered at the thought, moving across the room. _What did I intend on doing here, anyway? Killing him? _I almost laughed at the thought - me, kill someone? Absurd.

And just as that thought crossed my mind, I heard the shout.

"HEY, BITCH, I SAW YOU'RE CYCLE OUTSIDE! FINALLY COME RUNNING BACK?"

My shoulders tensed and I spun around, half expecting him to be standing there in the doorway, but he wasn't. His voice had come from downstairs. Automatically I shrunk a little bit into myself, sliding backwards to hide behind the doorframe as his footsteps thundered up the stairs, voice booming and angry. "Mihael, you bitch, get you're scrawny ass out here, I know you're here!"

I immediately flinched backwards and hid myself further between the bookcase at my back and the doorframe, peeking around the edge. I was shocked at the Gabriel I saw storming up the steps, though - his hair was crazy and unkempt, unlike his usual casual but nice cut, and his clothes looked as if they'd been slept in, along with the alcohol stains on the front. Along with that, his blue eyes, so familiar to me now, were wild and foggy - drunk.

_He's gotten even worse without me here, _I realized to myself, fighting to steady my breathing. He hadn't seen me, not yet, storming into my room first. I heard him toss some things around, and then a shattering of something fragile being thrown against the wall. "Dammit, Mihael!" he roared, racing out of my bedroom. He didn't glance my way at first, storming into the bathroom as he did. As the skidding noise of metal against metal was heard, obviously him opening the shower curtain (a hiding spot I used to use all the time as a smaller child) I found myself moving forward, hand closing over the butt of the gun and pulling it from my pants as I stalked in front of the bathroom door.

When I had full view of the bathroom I saw Gabriel stupidly opening cabinets, as if I would be hiding there. I hadn't hid there since I was six… _would he remember that? _I didn't know, but it pained me to even think about that.

Just as those memories threatened to surface in my mind, Gabriel turned around, icy blue eyes flashing. At first, with satisfaction. Then, as his eyes went from my probably-frightened face to the gun in my hand, with shock.

"Gabe," I greeted him quietly, surprising even myself at the calmness in my voice. Gabriel didn't reply at first, staring straight at the weapon in my hand, as if doubting it's existence.

Then he looked back up at me, a surprising lack of worry on his expression. In fact, he looked rather lazy-looking, completely comfortable with the situation. My grip tightened on the gun, narrowing my eyes slightly - at this, he laughed. "Wow, Mihael," he commented breezily, taking a lazy step forwards. I took one backwards to accommodate, despite knowing this was just a sign of weakness. He chuckled. "Where'd you get the gun? You're fag boyfriend?"

I shifted my position, glancing down at the gun nervously. The safety was off - I'd been sure to make that be so. Looking back up, he was still smirking, so I decided to be frank. "Correct. Looks like you got something right for once, Gabe-y." The smile on his face vanished, replaced with a bit of a frazzled expression. I would have smiled in any other situation; instead, I glared. "But you're wrong about me."Gabriel scoffed, taking another hasty step forward, but instead of coming at me he only leaned on his dresser, a drunken, crazed grin on his face. "Oh, really?" he questioned, words angry and slightly slurred. "You really think I don't know you?" I didn't reply, focusing on his movements instead, trying to ignore his words. It wasn't working. "What happened to you, you bitch? You think you're special, but you ain't nothin' to nobody. No one cares about you but me, you know that, don't you?" The same old ramble, yet somehow, it still stung.

"That's a lie," I managed to hiss, holding my ground even as he pushed off of the desk to stand again. "You don't give two shits about me and you know it."

"That's a lie! Lying fuck!" Gabriel howled, suddenly furious. I yelped without my mind's consent as he suddenly whipped an empty DVD case in my direction - _Top Gun _- barely missing my head; I could hear it whiz by my ear before it landed with a thump against the back wall. The hysteria in his eyes was somehow enticing to watch as he swung his arms at me, yet nowhere close enough to actually strike me, not yet. "I protected you! I'm the one you should care about, I loved you! You _owe me._ What happened, huh? What turned you into such a little shit-head?" he was shouting. "What the FUCK happened!"

I smile at him, somehow, despite the fear that's welling in my chest along with the fury, the hurt, and the sadness. Somehow, I manage a smile. "I ask myself that every day," I whispered. "Every day, I wonder that. What happened, Gabe?"Gabriel paused for a moment, pausing right as he was about to take another large step towards me, hanging in midair. For a moment, I saw that little boy there, the little boy I loved. For a moment I saw eight-year-old Gabe playing Stoplight, trying not to move even as he balanced on one foot - _"I'm not moving, see? Hurry up and Green-Light, you little cheat!" _I saw that boy and, for a second, I hesitated with him.

Then there was noise downstairs. A voice, a voice I knew all so well. Calling my name. "MELLO?"

_Matt._

At this, the hesitation was broken, and Gabriel smiled at me, taking the step forward. "So, you brought your boyfriend? Cowardly little shit," he growled, throwing his hand forward, obviously to strike me. Would have, too, in my stunned state - _how had he known I had come here? _- had I not realized a second too soon and dodged to the left, skittering out of his range, still clutching the gun. My mind was going at a million miles a minute now - I could hear Matt, and whoever might have been with him, moving around downstairs. _He must have seen my motorcycle, _I realized. _That's how he knows I'm here. _

"Leave him out of this," I whisper, thrusting the gun forward. "I don't want to kill you, Gabe. I just wanted a finality… don't make me shoot you, Gabe, _please. _I don't want to, but I will." _For him._ I'm surprised at how strong my voice sounds, despite the trembling of my hand. Gabriel's eyes narrow at the pistol, once again as if he doubted it existed, or maybe that it was loaded. I knew it was - the weight of the thing told that story.

"Leave him out of this, you say?" Gabriel inquired, a smile slipping across his face as I nodded automatically. Then he barked out a laugh, reaching a hand around his back swiftly as he did. "I wasn't the one who dragged him in, you bitch. That was you."

I didn't think straight after that. All I could comprehend was the gun that appeared in his hand - _from his back pocket… how had I not thought of that before? _- as it was thrusted at me without warning, could only react by pulling the trigger. Could only stare as the bullet connected with his chest, watch as blood spurted from the wound. Gabe had next to no reaction but a cry of pain and a pull of a trigger; I watched, almost mournfully, as the bullet missed and whizzed past my ear and my brother tumbled to the floor.

_Me. I did that._

"Mello!" Matt's voice again. I didn't turn to look as he flew up the stairs in front of me, behind the fallen form of Gabriel - still alive, but clutching the wound, crying in pain. Didn't look up to see Matt's wild, horrified green eyes, nor to see the second gun he had clutched defiantly in his hand. I could only stare at Gabriel as he was suddenly so weak, hunched over himself, blood seeping through his fingers and down his arm, soaking his once white shirt with red.

I didn't look up until Matt howled. His voice was so loud and booming that it was almost unearthly, so not like Matt I wouldn't have even connected it to his voice had I not seen it come from his lips. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

My head snapped up to see that Matt had turned on my brother, now mostly still on the floor save for his trembling and the hand clutching his wound pointlessly. His hand is trembling - _he's never shot anyone before, huh? - _but his face tells me he'll do it, eyes streaming tears, jaw clenched, eyes narrowed, angry yet sorrowful. There's something almost beautiful about the expression, so raw and unprotected that, for a moment, I was almost too late.

But then the words came to my mouth, moments soon enough, my voice coming out in a screech. "Matt, _don't!"_

Matt looked up at me with disbelieving eyes, blinking rapidly, expression bemused and frazzled. As if waking from a dream. I don't think, I just act, racing and tackling Matt into a desperate embrace. His arm is still thrusted forward, towards Gabriel, but I tuck myself into him, arms tight around his waist. "Don't kill him, Matt," I whisper, desperately; I almost don't notice, in my frazzled state, that his non-gun-holding arm has curled around my waist. "Please, Matt, please… he's my brother…""He was going to kill you," Matt growls uncertainly, arm holding the pistol wavering a little. Confused. Frazzled. I burry my face into his shoulder, not noticing the tears that were running down my cheeks.

"Please, Matt," I whisper, my voice sounding more calm than I actually am. "Please… if you love me, if you ever did, please… please jus don't…" I'm trembling now, I know I am, my clutch on his waist growing more and more weak.

"Why Mello…" Matt whispers, his voice tight and choked. He pulls me away, gently, still holding me by the shoulder, close enough to feel him but far enough so that he can meet my eyes. "Why… why didn't you let me help you…?" Despite the despair in his voice, the worry and hurt, I hear the gun clatter to the ground beside him - obeying me as he always does. I hold back a sob at this, squeezing my tearing eyes shut.

"I love you too much," I manage to choke out through my tears, placing my hand on his chest. I know he's looking at my face even with my eyes closed - I can feel his gaze on my face just as easily as I can feel his heartbeat on my palm. "I just love you too much, Matt…""Shhh…" Matt whispered, brushing one hand through my hair. "It's going to be alright, angel… everything will be okay… I've got you…"And that's when the gunshot went off. That's when, just like that, the world simply exploded.

I didn't feel the pain. I didn't feel anything but Matt's arms around me, still embracing me against him as my grasp on him escaped me, as did my footing. I could hear Gabriel say something, something I didn't hear. I heard Matt scream, a sound so horrible and heartbreaking I nearly cried despite having no energy in me even to speak. And I saw, even as my vision blurred red, Matt's face looking down at me with an expression full of nothing but heartbreak.

I saw those green eyes and

Then it was just

Over.

I felt it

_Matt's chest is so warm_

Heard the smack

And

_So much blood._

A cry, a sob…

I felt myself fall against the floor, and heard the gun

_Gabriel's_

Skidding across the floor, near my head

It hurts

_Bang bang bang… was that gunfire, or my heart?_

Something just…

…gave

And my last words

The words I heard

In my ear

"I love you"

_I wish I could smile_

Oh

Matt

_I love you too_

And my last thoughts

fleeting

_Well it seems this is_

_It must be_

_The end…_

**A/N: Ohhhh, do you hate me yet? Then again, by now, you probably already hate me… Review?**


	32. Chapter 32

So much darkness… not quite any pain, just…

_Matt!_

…a numbness. I know I should feel pain, but I don't… I feel as if, perhaps, I'm floating. Floating though nothing…

But no… someone is…

_The floor was so cold…_

…picking me up…carrying me. I feel so limp.. I can't…

_Am I dying?_

…move. I don't want to - I'm afraid of the pain I can't feel but know is there.

"He looks bad, but he's alive," someone says, voice gruff and professional.

My last thought is…

_I hope he's talking about Matt _

…before I blackout.

* * *

"_Mello, have you ever thought maybe this was all just a dream?" _

_I look over my shoulder at the boy beside me, surprised somehow that I can even move to look at him, though I can't remember why. Black hair falls in front of his face, a little smile on his face. He's in a uniform, a collared white shirt and black pants, along with an apron. The waiter, I realized - the first man I ever kissed. I open my mouth to reply to him, only to find that I can't. My lips close again, ad instead I only frown at his statement._

"_Well," he chuckled, turning to grin at me. As I look at him, I realize I can't see his eyes - instead, there is blackness where they would be. I don't remember his eye color, and so they simply aren't there in my subconscious. He doesn't seem to notice, though, looking right at me with a bright smile. "Well, Blondie," he continued, happily. "I sure hope this is real. Otherwise, it's all been for nothing, hasn't it?_

_It all fizzes out before I can nod my agreement.

* * *

_

The lights are so bright. I hear people shouting - "someone stop the blood, _somebody stop the damn blood!_ Apply pressure!" - and the pain comes rushing to the surface. I don't dare to open my eyes, the bright lights beaming on my face making the thought almost painful.

_What a strange way to wake up…_

Something jabs into my arm, and I slip unconscious again.

"_Mello, do you love me truly?"_

_I open my eyes slowly to find myself in the darkness again, blind but for the one thing filling my vision. Matt - he's sitting above me, floating it seems, a thoughtful expression on his face. I smile and reply automatically: "of course I do.""Then why?" Matt whispered. I watched, blankly, as he closes his eyes. Then, with horror, as his face starts to melt, sticky red liquid pouring over his face, dripping onto my neck and chest. Blood. I open my mouth, this time to scream, but no sound comes to my ears save for Matt's final shaking whisper, his bloody hand reaching forward to touch my face, the warm liquid feeling somehow cold on my skin as he whispered, "Why did you do this to me?"_

_I did this to him. Oh god, what is wrong with me? Am I simpl

* * *

_

**So This Is How It Goes…**

**Mood: numb**

**Location: hospital**

**Eating: nothing**

**Drinking: water**

**Listening To: the silence**

_**His name is Mello. There's no need to hide that now, since we're already in a relationship, and… well, it won't matter for too long now. I'm not going to call him by some fake name while all of this is going on.**_

**It would sound rather melodramatic to say that I feel as if I've died inside, wouldn't it? It would probably sound completely ridiculous, to you. But I have every right to feel numb.**

**I shot a man today. Twice. I aimed to kill, but I'm not a very good aim, so the bastards alive. It was completely self-defense, I promise you - he was going to shoot me too. But even if it hadn't been…**

**He was the one who raped Mello. For that, I might have killed him, if Mello hadn't begged me not to. Then he became the one who shot Mello - twice. For that, I would have murdered him with my bare hands if I needed to, jail or not regardless. I won't go to jail, though - I have no charges filed against me. But I'm so scared, not for myself, but for Mello.**

**I can't help but feel as if it's my fault that this happened, even if it's not (is it?). I have no idea what Mello was thinking, stealing my gun and going to his house like that… surely he wasn't thinking to kill him. Definitely, actually - he would never kill his own brother. Whatever his mindset was, I feel like a horrible person. I should have told someone. Should have consulted someone, anyone; should have called the police, even if it made Mello hate me. It would have been better than this.**

**He isn't dead, but he might as well be, from the look of him. He's been out all day, laying there on that hospital bed. They wouldn't let me go near him, because I have a gunshot wound on my shoulder (painkillers - I can't feel it now) but I snuck out of my room and went in there anyway. I guess the nurse didn't have the heart to make me leave. That, or she knew that if she tried I would probably lash out and hurt myself (not hurt her - I'm not that violent, and I hope she'd know that). I'm so happy he's alive, but looking at him now… I just want to cry. But I don't, because I can't feel the sadness even though I know it's there. I'm numb, and I can't explain why. It's like a part of me still thinks that's not Mello, that's just a mannequin or something, and that Mello will burst in the doors any second now and laugh: "Just kidding!"**

**But I'm not a fool. I know that's not possible.**

**The doctor says that he has a 70% survival rate, which I suppose is good. But his body rejected the painkillers, so… I can't help but think about how much pain he must be in now. If I could, I would refuse to take the painkillers too, just to know a little of the extent of the pain, but they won't let me. It's probably for the better anyway.**

**I don't know about the guy, Mello's brother. I'm pretty sure he's doing a lot worse than Mel, but I don't really care. I hate to say it, but I hope the bastard dies.**

…**No, I shouldn't say that. That's a horrible thing to say. And yet… I keep thinking it. Thinking that Mello is just so perfect.. He doesn't deserve such shit to happen to him. And it seems like it's all this fucker's fault… and yet, is it really? Because his mom sucks, doesn't she? So maybe it's her fault. But then, why is she that way? Does she have a horrible father who raped her, maybe? **

**It doesn't matter though. All I really want is for Mello to be better and for all of this to just be over. I want my damn happy ending. So I'll just keep hoping, I suppose.**

**Hoping that happy endings aren't just in fairy-tales.**

**~Matt

* * *

**

My eyes flutter open blearily, my vision fuzzy. Everything is white, including the woman in front of me, a stranger in a white outfit. She's smiling at me.

_Where's Matt?_

"I think he's conscious," she calls. I try and open my mouth to reply, but when I do the pain bursts back to life, and instead a scream rips from my throat. More pain.

_This can't be heaven, can it?_

"Kid, you awake?" The voice is from someone I don't see, a man's.

I black out again, so I suppose my answer would have been 'no.'

* * *

**So This Is How It Goes…**

_**THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED.

* * *

**_

_It's so bright. I can't stand the light, and yet I'm drawn to it. There it is, far away from me… I know that, if I come too close, it will burn me. But there it is, so close already… a few more steps won't hurt…_

"_Mello, do you know?" a voice whispers in my ear. I blink at the light, once, twice, watching with nothing but dim awe and bemusement as it fades to Gabriel standing there. For some reason, I'm not afraid of him; instead, I simply smile at him and take another step forward. He doesn't return the smile, a blank expression on his face. "Mello, do you know? Will you know if I don't tell you so?"_

"_What do you mean?" I try to say, but instead only a groan escapes my lips…

* * *

_

…and I'm awake again, eyes flying open this time instead of in a blurry faze. The first thing to greet me as my eyes fly open is the light - so bright in my eyes, not like in the dream, but in a blinding way. _The lights above my head. _I don't dare shut my eyes for more than a second, though - I don't want to fall asleep again.

_Surely this isn't heaven. Surely I'm not dead._

But then the second thing I wake to is the pain. It's stabbing, most incredibly painful in the space between my shoulder blades. My vision blurs out as it hits me full force, but only for a moment - this time I don't black out. The smell is what I notice next - it's too clean smelling here, the scent comparing to sniffing hand sanitizer. The only scent that tainted it was the faint, ugly smell of blood - _my blood, _I realize dimly. _I'm in the hospital._

"Oh!" someone's voice cries from beside me. My eyes flutter open again - _when had I closed them? _I couldn't remember - to find a doe-eyed woman standing beside my bed, a bright smile passing over her lips. "You're awake."

I try to return the smile for all it's genuine brightness, but the expression refuses to form on my face. Instead, it opens for a painful fit of coughing. The woman's smile vanishes, curly blonde bob bouncing beside her head as she spins around, pressing a button on the wall. "The patient is awake!" she cries, sounding panicked. You can tell by her reaction that she's new to all of this. _Great. I got the new, stupid nurse._

Just as this thought passes, though, I black out again. No noise manages to escape my lips, but inside, I'm screaming.

* * *

**Sorry.**

**Mood: Numb**

**Location: …**

**Eating: nothing**

**Drinking: Water**

**Listening to: nothing**

**I don't want that on my blog. Too depressing, and not the kind of stuff you should be putting on the internets anyway.**

**Sorry. I just don't know what to do…**

**/3**

**~Matt

* * *

**

I don't dream this time. Instead, I wake again, after what seems like only seconds but must have been much longer, since the nurse has vanished and been replaced by a dark haired doctor in the doorway. My vision feels blurry and I can't quite focus on anything but the effort not to drop out of consciousness again - the pain is too intense for rational thoughts.

The doctor across the room seems to notice that I'm awake now, a surprised look coming over his face as he shuffles across the room. The look on his face is both stern and surprised, which is an odd thing to see; in any other situation, I might have laughed, but I have a feeling that if I tried to even smile I might pass out. So I don't. Instead, I listen to him as he asks, "Can you speak?"

I close my eyes, but only long enough to take a deep, painful breath before opening them again. I manage to choke out "I think so" before I'm thrown into a fit of coughing. He isn't sent into a panic as the nurse had been, immediately becoming all business and rushing to work, instructing immediately, "Don't panic, take deep breaths."

I'm coughing so hard I feel as if my lung might just bust - unless it had busted already, of course - and the rest of my body aches and burns horribly, a throbbing, stabbing pain in my back and head driving me absolutely mad. Finally after what seems like forever the coughing fit subsides, pain fading slightly so that it's more of a dull hum than a throb, more easy to bear. Now I'm laying there on the doctor's bed, spent. So spent that I don't bother to look to my other side to see the visitor who's staring flabbergasted at me until they speak.

"Is he okay?" the voice whimpers. Immediately my heart leaps and my mind wants it to be Matt, but when I turn my head to look it isn't. It's the quiet gray-haired boy, actually. Timid A had come to visit me at the hospital… the idea makes me smile. The next thing that crosses my mind, though, is _Why isn't Beyond with him? No… why isn't _Matt _with _me? A squirms as he catches me staring at him, and I suppose I must look pretty horrible because he looks down at his feet as he continues, "Isn't he not suppose to wake up yet?""Well, no, but it's good that he has…" the doctor says blankly, clearly not really paying much attention to the little boy as he inspects me with furious speed, turning my head and shining a light in my eye, as if to check that I'm actually alive and not just a doll. It hurts whenever he moves me, but I don't protest. In fact, I feel so limp that I can't even bother to make comment, if I even had words to say at all.

I almost don't notice A scrambling away even as he hurries out the door into the visitors room. The doctor is saying something but I barely hear, because I'm staring at the ceiling with blank curiosity. I couldn't quite remember exactly what happened to me, but the memories were slowly trickling back into my mind… the dance, the sex…. A smile crosses my mouth at this, but it vanishes when I realize what I did after that.

_Dear god, what was I thinking…?_

But I already know the answer to the unspoken question. I was thinking that I loved Matt. Loved him too much not to make sure nothing happened to him, thinking that I needed closure to make that happen… _well that backfired, you dumbfuck, _my conscious scolds me, and with the thought comes another wave of pain, this time caused by a shudder that goes through me with the worry.

"Why… does it hurt so… much?" I manage to croak, my thoughts trickling back into me much faster now.

The doctor gives me a stupid and replies bluntly, "Don't you remember? You got shot, twice, in the back." I would have face palmed at how stupid the reply was had I not been trembling with pain laying still.

"Shouldn't I have painkillers?" I hiss in elaboration. The doctor looks ready to face palm _himself _now, scowling a bit.

"Your body rejected the painkillers," he tells me bluntly. I sigh and close my eyes - _of course it did… just my luck _- and my mind automatically tunes out anything the doctor is saying afterwards despite how important it might have been until I hear the door open again and I peek my eyes open.

My heart metaphorically sings as my eyes catch on that unmistakable red hair, adrenaline shooting through me as I immediately shoot upwards to sit up. I almost regret doing so when the horrible, shrieking pain triggers full force in my back as I do this and the doctor protests loudly, but my eyes are locked on Matt now and it's worth it. Matt is standing there, alive, all green eyes and red hair and dorky goggles on said eyes. At a glance, the only difference is that the stripes are gone, replaced by a small hospital gown and slacks. My eyes are locked on his face as he immediately tears his goggles off of him, face disbelieving and bewildered, as if he thinks that maybe this is all just a dream. I would be lying if I said I couldn't second that emotion at the moment. This all seems so unreal.

But reality is there indeed, it seemed, as Matt raced over and immediately threw his arms around me, despite the doctor's continually ignored protests. I notice absentmindedly that he's limping as he hurries over, and as he pulls me into him the pain continues to shriek in my ear, but I ignore this in favor of curling my arms around his waist as tightly as I can - sadly not very tight because of the pain - and nuzzling my face in the crook of his shoulder and breathe in his scent. It's almost humorous - even in a hospital I can still smell that cigarette smell that I've learned to love.

No words need to be spoken, because I can already feel his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. And he can already feel my tears on his neck as they fall silently down my cheeks, and my fingers pressing into his back, clinging to him. As if he might just vanish if I let him go.

We stay like this until the doctor tears us apart, though he looks rather reluctant to do so; maybe not reluctant to separate us but rather hesitant to touch us. Maybe he was disgusted. I don't know, and I don't care, not letting go of his hand as I snatch it and death grasp it. I don't let go and he doesn't try to jerk me away as the doctor forces me, semi-gently, to lay down on the hospital bed.

"You should be in your room. You're hurt too," the doctor said as soon as he regained his composure, adjusting his nametag in what I assume was habit. It reads _Dr. Paine. _How classically ironic.

Ignoring Dr. Paine as we have been doing most of this duration Matt brushes his hand through my hair, the love in the gesture shining through in his breathtakingly green eyes. As I stare at them, I feel like crying with relief, and so I do. For once, I'm crying and I don't care who sees, tears that I'm happy to shed for him. Matt is crying too, and somehow the tears that roll down his cheeks are one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

Finally, Matt whispers, not to me but to the doctor, "I'm fine. _I _didn't reject the painkillers." His voice is grave and scratchy, as if it's an effort to say them. Maybe it is. As he says this my eyes are tracing along his body, searching for the wound, and I find it almost immediately. There's a bandage around his leg. It dawns on me that Gabriel must have shot him.

_Gabriel._

Immediately my heart lurches in my chest, welcoming in another realization of pain, not physical but emotional. Was Gabriel…?

"He's alive," Matt whispered to me, as if reading my mind. What puzzles me more than Matt's seemingly-psychic words is the tone they have taken on. Was that… disappointment?

But then, who could blame him, really?

"Am I foolish for being relieved?" I whisper, cursing myself for how wavering my voice is, how strangled, and more tears slide down my cheeks as the memory of shooting him replays again and again in my mind. The doctor shuffles around uncomfortably behind us, obviously not quite understanding what we were saying on an emotional level.

"Um, sir… I'm going to have to ask you to answer some questions, if you will," he interrupts anything Matt might have replied, prodding my arm. I startle and turn to look at him, surprised that he had said anything to me at all for some reason, but by the look on his face he wasn't ready to put up with being ignored anymore. So for now I shove the prodding questions to the back of my mind and allow him to do his job.

Matt stays beside me through the questions and checkups, holding my hand throughout, even answering a few for me, such as where I'm living now. His apartment. When he tells the doctor this there's a twitch of annoyance on his face, which I ignore but seems to irritate Matt. Finally his questions are over - most of them pointless - and I manage a question of my own.

"When can I… when can _we _go home?" I inquire, shifting in my seat. Due to the intense pain I was thinking not too soon, so I'm surprised when he says, "In a day or two, actually, if all goes well. Now that you've gotten through the initial struggle we only have to go through perception. You should consider yourself very lucky, Michele."

"Mihael," Matt corrects him, the irritation still in his voice. I squeeze his hand, still bleary but conscious enough to feel the way his hand immediately returns the squeeze.

"Well then, I'll just leave you alone. But don't get out of bed," Dr. Paine says dryly. Neither of us bother to reply as he spins on his heel and waltzes out, clearly irritated with us as well by the way he walked out. On his way out I spot the stupid blonde nurse from earlier watching from the doorway; she flashes us a bright smile before toting after him, and I decide I like her better.

As soon as he leaves the room Matt turns to me fully, sliding onto the edge of the bed. Automatically I scoot over to make room for him, not breaking eye contact with him, blue clashing with emerald green. _To think that you might have never seen him again…_

"I love you," Matt whispered to me, as if this were the most important thing he could have told me at that moment. As if I could have doubted.

I smile and whisper, "I love you too", because I never doubted at all.

No more needs to be said or done, because with those words we had confirmed that even with this crisis nothing had changed, but none the less Matt leans forward and kisses me, hand reaching forward to caress my cheek. His hand feels almost as perfect against my cheek as his lips against mine, and I kiss him back eagerly, my mind overflowing with nostalgic thoughts.

_To think that once, I thought I was straight… to think that I thought we would only be friends…. to think I almost got me killed yesterday. To think_ _that I almost got HIM killed yesterday… to think that I'd never see those eyes again. To think that I ever doubted anything at all…_

Matt breaks off the soft kiss in order to plant tiny feathers of kisses on my cheeks and forehead, causing a smile to spread across my lips. To feel so loved… how could you not smile?

Finally he moves away and returns to his spot seated on the edge of my bed, leaning a bit awkwardly to the left to accommodate for his wounded leg, one hand returning to rest on mine. For a second the idea of just laying here forever despite the pain, watching him watch me and drowning in those green eyes… well, it sounded like the perfect way to waste the rest of my life away. Because really, what else was waiting for me outside this hospital room but Matt?

_Your friends. Your school. Your life… with him. _

I smiled at the thought, but the expression vanished as soon as Matt spoke. His voice was gentle, but his words still stung in my mind. "I'm assuming you'll want to know what happened to… your brother, right?" The pause in the middle there was suspicious, suggesting there was something _very _different he wanted to call him. I couldn't blame him, but my heart let out an involuntary pang as my mind wandered to the little Gabriel I used to know.

Apparently my expression answered for me, because he continues, "Well, he's alive." A blank feeling washes over me at this - I'm unsure weather to be relieved or horrified, and the space between is apathetic and stale. "But I… well I shot him three times. And he shot at me four, but he missed all but one, in my leg." The information is enough for me to go completely cold, especially when he adds quietly, "He's probably not going to make it. He conscious, but… he's on life support."

_Life support. Oh my god…_

I feel my heart lurch in my chest and I fly to sit up again despite the horrible pain in my chest, hand flying to press against it. It's all in my head, I know it is, but it feels as if my heart is threatening to burst from my chest; the tears don't stop their descent down my cheeks, wetting them so much so that I can barely feel them as they fall. Slowly I lift my head to look at him, my arms unconsciously wrapping around myself, as if it's suddenly cold. Matt seems to read my mind even when I can't and he moves so that, after some uncomfortable shifting, he's sitting behind me with his legs on either side of me, arms wrapping around my waist and puling me into a tight embrace.

A shuddering breath escapes my lungs and I immediately lean backwards into him, pressing my head into the comfortable crook of his neck. One of Matt's strong arms are pulling me comfortingly against him, the other caressing my cheek and wiping away the tears even as they continue to rain down my face. I wonder, briefly, if the tears will ever dry.

But I decide it doesn't matter right then. Right matters right then is being here, being here _now. _And now I'm in Matt's arms, crying my eyes out, but it's going to be okay. I'll be okay, because he's here.

It'll be okay.

All okay.

_Just keep telling yourself that, and maybe it will go away…

* * *

_

It was the next morning, and Matt still hadn't left. We hadn't spoken a single word except for his whispered "I love you" as I fell asleep in his arms. I knew it must have been uncomfortable for him to sleep like that, what with his leg and all, but he never complained, and neither did I. We were too happy with each other's company to bother with the pain.

I didn't want to wake up when I did, I was far too comfortable, but there was an insisting prodding on my shoulder and a soft coo of, "Mr. Keehl, there's someone who would like to see you. Mr. Keehl?"

Mr. Keehl… it seemed so weird to be called that. It wasn't my name, it seemed like, it was my father's name. My dead father's name. Nobody had ever called me Mr. Keehl except for, on occasion, Mr. Higuchi. In fact, even Mihael didn't seem like my name anymore. Mello was my name.

And this is what I managed to croak out as I opened my eyes a crack. "Mello," I hissed. "It's Mello."

The semi-ditzy nurse with the blonde bob-cut blinks at me with wide brown doe-eyes, seemingly taken aback by my strange insistency. For a moment I think she might protest, but then she shrugs and flashes me a bright smile. I'm surprised to see that, despite my position on the bed with the still-sleeping Matt and my probably-irritating remark, her smile was genuine, unlike a certain doctor I encountered earlier.

"Alright then, Mello!" the nurse peeps cheerfully, nodding her head briskly. "Well, you have a visitor, should I let her in?"

_Her? Halle? Weddy? ….Misa? _I rack my mind for another 'she' that I know, but I can come up with no one. So instead of guessing I inquire, "Who?"

The nurse's smile grows even wider and more enthusiastic, and her voice is the bright and cheerful one of a person bringing grand news. "Your mother. She came too see you just a few moments ago, and she's waiting in the hallway. She seems very worr-"Before she can utter that lie, that word _worried, _I cut her off, shouting, "No! Don't let her in!" and cursing myself silently at how shrill and panicked my voice sounds. The nurse jumps in surprise, her already large eyes widening even further as she takes a couple frightful steps backwards, stumbling over her nurse shoes. I give her a second to regain her composure, not because I want to but because I need to regain mine too, gasping for a panicked breath.

_Why is she here? She never cared for me before._

The thought comes just as it dawns on me. _She still doesn't. She wants something from me. She's here to yell at me again. All over again…_

"She's your mother, and she seemed very concerned…" she told me slowly, her voice gentle and careful, as if a motherly instinct had somehow triggered in her. Even though I'm sure I'm instinctively glaring at her she inches forward and places a wary hand on my shoulder, carefully guiding my ridged body back into it's laying position against Matt's chest. It's rising and falling rhythmically with his sleeping breath, and for a moment this calms me down.

At least, it calms me enough to still my voice's rising tone so that it's grave. "No. I don't want to see her. Send her away." Her face screws up, and clearly she's ready to protest this fact, so I continue with rising anger in my voice: "Miss, didn't the doctor find the remains of rape on me? The wounds?" Her stunned silence tells me that, if he had, she hadn't known. So I glare at my stomach as I continue, "Well she didn't stop it. She knew, and she didn't stop it. So no. I don't want to see her."

The nurse doesn't say anything more on the matter, but she does whisper something else. "And what of your brother? Do you want to see him?" she whispers. Her voice is timid and saddened, as if she can't believe such a thing would happen to anyone. She's lucky -she's an innocent, and soon, this entire ordeal will be put behind her in exchange for returning to her wonderful life of ignorance.

I look up at her and meet her eyes. "No," I whisper.

She doesn't let go so fast, though, narrowing her eyes just slightly. Not with anger, it seems, but to keep the emotions from pouring through. For a moment, I think she might cry, but instead she whispers, "We aren't suppose to tell you, but it's the truth. Gabriel is going to die."

A cold feeling washes through me. For a moment, all I feel is numbness, no emotion getting through the blockade that has settled over my mind, no emotionally-driven thought getting through. All I think is _"Gabriel is going to die". _But my heart hears as well and feels the stabbing pain that comes with it, as well as the guilty relief.

"He was the one who raped me," I whispered, my voice trembling and painful. Unconsciously I snatch Matt's sleeping hand and squeeze, ignoring the way that he mutters in his sleep in response.

The nurse's eyes flicker, her doe eyes no longer flickering with protest but rather with horror. She obviously hadn't any idea of this, and her hand flew to her perfectly glossed lips, doe eyes glittering. She doesn't speak a word in response, instead turning tail and heading for the door.

Instead of making it out, though, I find myself stopping her. "Wait," I call out, my voice strained. She stops in the doorway, her frail form trembling slightly - it's obvious she had been ready to run out and start sobbing - but she manages to turn around, giving me a wide eyed look with her soft brown eyes. I sigh and lean backwards into Matt again, feeling his warmth for a moment for an attempt at comfort, but it never comes. This is because of what I say next.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to see him."

The blonde nurse gives me an odd look before scampering away without a word. I know by the look in her eyes that she'll let me see him, and for that, I am unsure if I'm relieved or horrified once again.

I nuzzle back into Matt's sleeping form, curling close to catch a few more moments of his warmth before the impending visit to come, and sigh.

**A/N: this chapter is laaaammeeee. I couldn't get it to flow right, god-dammit. Well, hey - at least Mello's dead! Thus, the death threats on my life won't be taken up on... hopefully. Well…. Yeah. I wanted to make the next chapter part of this chapter, but I didn't want to make it too long and I'm going on ANOTHER vacation soon, so I don't want to make you all wait any longer. So here's this craptastic chapter, kiddies! :D ~H**

**EDIT: haha, i tottaly said "mello's dead" in my authors comments. i meant NOT dead. I am a failure. XD sorry.  
**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: I have no excuse as to why this took so long to be submitted. I didn't even have writers block, really - I'm just ADD and lazy. Sorry, dearests. /3 **

**And so, here we are... nearing our end... -wistful sigh- I hope you've all enjoyed the ride, and will cling to your enjoyment till the very end. ^^  
**

_Is it possible?_

I leave Matt in the bed, careful not to wake him up as I slip off the mattress and onto the wheelchair the nurse rolled in for me. Her soft doe eyes watch me with a mother's sensitivity I'm not familiar with as I settle into the chair. I'm clenching my teeth from the pain of the effort, but I don't allow her to help me - I want to do it myself.

I guess I'm still a stubborn ass.

However, with all that strain, I don't have the energy to fight her from pushing the wheelchair for me, glancing around to spy a glance at Matt's sleeping form again. He's curled closer into himself, fingers twitching as if searching for me - I pray that my absence won't wake him up, but I know from experience that it probably will.

_Is it really a possibility after all this…?_

I ignore my continuously probing thoughts as we exit the room. As I roll down the hallway, watching the world pass by at an unfamiliar angle, a strange sense of numbness falls over me. The feeling that what I'm doing is going to somehow go wrong is also there, but the numbness dims it considerably. It wouldn't matter anyway. This, just as my earlier encounter with him, is something I simply have to do, explanation regardless.

The nurse slows a bit as we pass the visiting room. I spot Misa and L standing in the waiting room as we pass it to another section of the hospital. They're not fighting or arguing for once - in fact, they just sit there in the chairs beside one another, a blank expression on both of their faces. A flash of curly red hair in the corner tells me that Leon is also present, as well as A and B, who are sitting together in one chair, A's face buried in the raven-haired man's shoulder. I'm only half-surprised that Near is there too, though I'm more surprised that he's hugging Gevanni, his face buried in the boy's shirt; said boy looks both content and saddened by the situation. Light is there, too, but I only see half of his face for the block of the wall before we turn the corner and out of view.

The nurse is gravely silent behind me. When I look up, the sign directing us says in bold text: **Critical Condition Wing. **The sight of the words staring me in the face sets a pain in my chest that I don't want to think about.

_Is it honestly possible…?_

The hallway we roll into is other-worldly white, such a cleanly feeling. It scares me considerably - it shouldn't really, but it does. The wing of the hospital I had been staying in had been clean, as all hospitals are, but this was… _sterile._

The nurse finally speaks as we stop outside a room. "Just call if you need anything, alright…?" Her voice is worried and soft, as if she's talking about me going out on my own to a movie with friends instead of going to talk to my dying brother. For that, I was almost grateful.

Sucking in a breath I nodded, looking up at her briefly. The expression on her face was wan and tight, and her brown doe-eyes were glimmering as if she was ready to burst into tears at any given moment. I wished, in a way, that I could second that emotion further, but I only felt numb as I grunted, "mkay," and swiveled my chair around to enter the hospital room where my brother laid. Wheeling myself in there was a bit difficult but the nurse didn't move to help me, seeming to sense that I wanted privacy as the door swung closed behind me.

And I did want privacy. Especially when I looked up and saw him.

He was alive, I could tell by the heart monitor making it's consistent beeping noises and the rise and fall of his chest, but he seemed dead. He looked so much smaller than I could remember, frailer. As I wheeled myself over, I realized it was because he had no movement - he was laying there almost completely still, the expression on his face one of pitiful, sleeping pain. His darker hair had fallen partially over his face, bed-headed and unbrushed, something that I didn't see on him often. Though his eyes were closed I could see his eyes dart around behind his eyelids, as if he were having a nightmare. Maybe he was. Or maybe it was possible that I was in a nightmare instead of him. Maybe this was all some sick level of hell.

_It can't be possible._

The word for him comes to me as I reach out and press my fingertips against his wrist to feel his pulse, a chill going down my spine. He looked… helpless. Never in my entire life had Gabriel ever looked helpless to me, even as tiny children he had always seemed so strong and fearless… but now he just looked…

He looked as if he was dying. That was because he was, of course, but it was still a shock to my system. What was more shocking to me, however, was that, despite all rationalisms telling me that I shouldn't, a stab of pain hit my heart at the realization.

_It can't be possible… that I still love him._

I suck in a breath as his fingertips twitch, as if reacting to my touch on his wrist, but I don't move away. I have no reason to - he can't hurt me now, and even if he could… no fear settled into me. With the way he looked now, the idea that he was even alive was chilling, much less that he could wake up and hurt me again.

Looking down at him now, he didn't even seem like the same man. He didn't look like Gabe. He didn't look like the man who abused me, didn't seem like the type that was even capable of raping his own little brother or being a womanizer with countless women.

No, laying there wasn't Gabriel the rapist but Gabriel the lost child. In my eyes all I saw was that little boy who cut off my cousin's braids. All I saw was that little boy that hugged me when I cried, who kissed my cheek when we were little, who colored pictures with me, who comforted me at my father's funeral, who played games with me…

…who killed that cat.

A sense of coldness washes over me at that memory, and I immediately push it away, but it's only replaced with worse memories. Of rape, of abuse, of screaming, of shooting… _why do I have to have these memories with him now? Why can't I just be…_

No. That was a stupid thought, of course. I should hate him, I knew that. In my mind I fully understood that I should despise him, that I should be throwing a rave party in honor of his oncoming death rather than mourning for the Gabriel I used to know. Right now, I should be laughing in his face, yelling _I win, bastard, I win! You die and I don't, and nobody came to visit you, did they! Not even mother! Who's unloved now, huh!_

But I couldn't bring myself to even feel a trickle of hatred for him. I hated the situation, hated that he raped me, hated that he had become a monster… but I didn't hate him.

_How it is possible that I still love him?_

"Mi..hael…?"

I flinched, gasping aloud at the voice. Had I not been sitting in my wheelchair already, I probably would have fallen on my butt in surprise. Immediately my eyes dart down towards Gabriel to find that his eyes had opened into slits, exposing the tiniest bit of ice blue between his eyelids. At the sight of this my head seems to tense up, not allowing me to look away even if I had the desire to.

_So you're not quite so dead after all._

When I don't speak or show any signs of getting around to doing so Gabriel shifts his weight just slightly, hissing in pain as he does. The noise surprises me, somehow - Gabriel in pain. It wasn't something I think I'd heard in a long time; the last time had probably be when he was eleven and scraped his knee on the blacktop that he ever made any real noises of physical pain. It was almost fascinating.

"Why… are you here?" Gabriel managed to speak again, though his voice was strangely high pitched. I realize this is because he doesn't sound angry, rather pained and genuinely confused.

When I can think of no better explanation for him or myself, I shrug. "Because you're my brother," I tell him quietly. When he only stares at me as if I'd gone mad I reach over and press my fingertips against his wrist again, feeling for his pulse and finding it; he tenses at the attention but doesn't pull away, opening his eyes a bit further so I can see more of that horrible blue.

"That never… kept you… from… leaving us… before this…" Gabriel replied shakily, pausing to take breaths between his statements. The way he says it is almost an accusation.

I scoff and shake my head, rolling my wheelchair closer so that I can be nearer; my desire for closeness is inexplicable, but I can't control it. When he doesn't continue his statement, obviously expecting me to reply, I sigh and tell him bluntly, "You're dying."

There's a long, almost awkward pause where he simply stares at me incredulously, blue eyes glazing over slightly in disbelief. He tries to move his hand away suddenly from mine but I don't allow this, for once taking the initiative and grasping his hand, surprising myself in the way my fingernails dig affirmatively into his palm, holding him there. He flinches at this but doesn't try and move away again, continuing his staring.

Finally, he speaks again, but all he can think of to say is, "Oh."

My reply is equally genius. "Yeah," I mutter. I look over at him to find him already looking at me and I hold back a shudder. The way he looks at me is so familiar and warm, not the predatory glare he always gave me before this. Perhaps it's instinct to be that way when you know the end is near, to be kind even to those you'd abused over the years. I don't know. It had never been my experience, in any case, but who am I to talk?

"Your fag boyfriend shot me," Gabriel informs me shakily, still laying flat. His teeth are clenched again now, and it's clear that he's in agony, but from the look of things his body took the pain pills well, considering he can still speak as he dies. I'm not sure weather to feel blessed or start screaming at him that it isn't fair. Perhaps both would be rational, but I choose neither.

"Don't call Matt that," I growl instead, sending him a probably-really-bitchy look. Gabriel gives me a surprised one in return, blue eyes glittering - I can't tell if he's repulsed, impressed, or both. Thinking back, I've really never been all too good at reading him.

"Matt, huh?" he inquired, sounding rather amused. _Irritating bastard._

I pause, trying to think of any way he could use his name against me. Really, at this point, he couldn't, so I reply, "Yeah. What do you care?"

Gabe gives me that predatory look again, the one I always hate, but this time it's half-hearted and doesn't frighten me. "He fuck you too? You like it?" he says, sounding as if this were the most disgustingly hilarious thing he had ever heard. I flinch at the words, fighting the urge to blush like a child.

Still, no reason to lie to him, so I bark out, "Yeah, 'cuz I let him, not because he was an ass and raped me, you fuck. So yeah, I liked it, what's it to you?" I'm surprised again by the brutal anger in my voice, the way it rises in offended tone. Surprised by the hatred that taints my voice when I defend Matt; but then, should I be that surprised?

Suddenly Gabriel is smirking, though the expression is forced through physical pain. Then he opens his mouth and says something that scares me to the bone. "Ah, Mihael… you're just like me."

I dig my nails further into his palm at this, mostly out of shock but partially out of anger. Ignoring the pain in my back from where Gabriel had shot me I dig my fingernails down his skin, feeling his pulse against my fingertips. Gabriel hisses in irritation more than pain - _what is that to a gunshot wound? _- and I glare at him. "I'm nothing like you," I mutter irately.

He laughs, or tries to, but it comes out more like a choking noise. I barely notice when blood finds it's way to his cheeks, barely register that he must have coughed it up. All that makes sense in my mind is that he's smirking arrogantly at me. That even on his death bed he thinks he's better than me. "But…. of course you…. are. We're… brothers, remember?" he mused darkly, grinning rather wildly at me. I flinch but I don't recoil.

"That doesn't mean I have to be like you," I grumble, hating the way I sound more like a pouting little kid than anything else. "I'm not. You think I am, but no. You ruined any chance of me wanting to be anything like you the first time you touched me where you shouldn't have." I ignore the way his hand tenses under mine and his eyes narrow angrily, because my heart is racing and my voice has become a hushed, angry whisper. "You don't understand a damn thing anymore, do you? All you care about is sex and drugs and your fucked-up self, you know that? And for _years _I dealt with that bullshit, because you know what? I loved you. You're my god damn brother and _I _at least respected that title. But then you up and ruined everything. I-"

"Like it was only my fault," Gabriel snaps, cutting me off unexpectedly. His voice is strained but forceful. "You didn't do a damn thing for me, Mihael. You always said you loved me the most, then you'd always keep being so damn bitchy all the time…" _He's rambling nonsense again, _my mind tells me, but I still shudder at his words.

"No, Gabe," I whisper, cutting him off myself before he can bother to continue on his ramble. "Please… just don't." He doesn't apologize but he doesn't continue, either, giving me a blank expression from his head's place against the pillow. I sigh. "Don't you remember, Gabe? Don't you remember how we used to be, when we were little and we'd stay up late to watch stupid movies or color pictures, and when Mom would yell at me you'd always sneak up to my room and comfort me while I cried?" He doesn't reply, but his eyes glaze over a bit; I'd like to think it's because he was remembering, but he could have just been in physical pain again. "Don't you?" I prod again.

I realize as I do this I'm being irrational again, my voice raising to a new octave and wavering there painfully. I can feel myself expecting something from him, hear my heart begging him to say the right thing and put it to rest, but what do I really think he's going to say? _Hey, sorry for raping you, let's kiss and make up_? The thought is ridiculous, and even if he did say this… it wouldn't make it better for anybody. And he doesn't say this, or anything at all. He just continues to stare at me blankly with those ice blue eyes.

We spend a long moment just staring at each other, my hand clutching his in a death grip and his laying there limply, not doing much of anything. Again I'm reminded how frail he looks despite the despicable smirk on his face.

_I hate you, _I think, but I know it's a lie even coming from my own mind.

Finally, he speaks. "What do you want me to say, huh?" he mutters darkly, voice gravely and forced. "_I'm sorry_? What kind of good will that do?" He scoffs, as if he had read my mind.

I look downwards at my hand clutching his, thinking of how strange it looks. Marveling in the way my hand is nearly his size now, compared to the way - at a younger age - it seemed my hand would fit without effort into his palm. And all at once, I didn't feel small anymore.

"It won't do any good," I whisper, my voice choking up a bit despite my efforts to keep it from doing so. "No good at all…" And it wouldn't. My mind was already set in this awkward balance between love and hate, and from being there so long, I don't think I could tilt to one side or the other any more than the earth could suddenly tumble out of orbit.

Still, when Gabriel starts coughing again my head immediately snaps up with worry, eyes widening. I stare at his strained face until he stops coughing, my heart beating fast in my chest - _oh god, is he going to die right now! _But he doesn't just die at that moment. He relaxes once again and lays down, a stricken look on his face. But alive.

I can hear that he's muttering something, but he's so quiet now I can't hear him. Despite the pain that comes along with it I shift further in my seat to lean towards his face to listen, ignoring the way my hair falls across my face to brush across his cheek. He looks up and sees me there, repeating his mutterings. "You… must really… hate me… huh?" he whispered. His voice sounded as if he were shouting through a cheap soundproof wall, just barely audible but still understandable.

I shiver. "No," I whisper automatically, then pause. No, I didn't hate him… I hated this. But this was… I close my eyes, finding no good way to explain this to his seeking gaze. Still, I had to say something. Would it not be hypocritical to walk out on him now, while he was dying, when that was what I always hated my mother for? So I make the words come, not pausing to think them over before I emit them. "I hate _you. _Not my brother, not the little boy who laughed and played with me, not the boy who protected me…." I open my eyes and look at him to find him staring at me with lost eyes. I continue, even more quietly now, "I loved that boy. I loved him. But not you."

Gabriel flinched, launching into another violent coughing fit, but this time no sinking feeling occurs in my chest. I'm not surprised when the coughing ends and he lays back again, wheezing for breath until he has the chance to mutter, "But Mihael… that's me… I'm that boy…" His voice is so desperate and pained that, for a moment, I almost feel sorry for him. For a moment, I believe him.

But no. That was diluted thinking and before I can wrap my rational thoughts around the action I slam my hand onto the mattress, a violent act that makes Gabriel flinch slightly as I shout, "NO! YOU'RE NOT!" My voice is shrill with panic, and I curse myself for being that way, but I can't stop now. "You're _not _Gabriel, you're just a monster! A drug-ridden, alcoholic, brother-fucking monster!" _Monster… _with the last word I shriek I finally feel the tears in my eyes, just realizing they had formed as they roll down my cheeks. _Am I going crazy? _Surely I was, because only someone not quite sane would cry for their own defiler, right…?

"Gah…" Gabriel muttered simply, in a tone that read 'whatever'. But when I looked up I found that his hand had snaked across the bed and reached frailly for my face, a motion that sent me into a spiral of panic that froze me to the seat, unable to move away. But all he seemed to be doing was clumsily wiping the tears off my face. "Don't…. cry… stupid bitch…" he uttered. "Can't have you… cutting yourself… again…"

I want to shrink away from his hand, disliking the strange feeling it gives me, but my childish desire to be close to him in this state doesn't allow this. I also want to reply to what he said in a mean tone, but all I manage to whisper is, "You know about… that?"

Gabriel scoffed. "Hard to miss." And I supposed that, really, it would be, if you lived in a house with me during that era. Hard to miss when it was because of you.

"Don't be talking to me about what I shouldn't do," I tell him angrily. "You're hardly one to talk."

Gabe smirks. "Guess so," he says slowly, then closes his eyes, sliding his hand away from my face as he mutters, "But I'm a good for nothing. Your's… smart. You'll go places. You'd have left me… us… no matter how hard I tried… to get you to stay. Can't… be becoming' a bigger bitch then you already are…"

I shake my head, slowly, but I don't reply to. There's no point in it now - what was done was done. There was no turning back. And yet the tears continued to roll silently down my cheeks, still mourning the past despite it all.

"You don't suppose… I'll get into heaven… eh, Mihael..?" Gabe is talking again, almost whimsically, his eyes wide and constrained. But I'm not looking at his face, I'm looking at his hand again, still laying limply under mine.

"No, I suppose there's a special place in hell for you," I tell him quietly. Such cruel words to say to your own brother, but they emit from my mouth anyway. And for a reason I can't quite explain, I add, "And if Uncle Bill's right, I'll be right behind you."

In response he only laughs, a sound so strained and forced that it comes out sounding painful. But still it's a laugh, one that I hadn't heard for so long until today… it chills me to the bone.

"Uncle Bill ain't right," Gabriel tells me amusedly. When I give him an odd look, he elaborates, "There ain't no Hell. There ain't no Heaven either. If there was a God, you wouldn't exist no way. Neither would I. That hag'd be dead long before we were born if God had anything' to say about it." I shivered when I realized that his words were referring to my mother, then a second shiver as I realized that I almost agreed with him.

"Well then, Gabriel, wherever you go…" I say slowly, laying backwards into my chair as I do, "I hope you have the chance to rewind and be _you _again."

Gabriel scoffs at me, as if reprimanding a child. As I look at him now, though, I realize he's a child himself, no matter how twisted. I know this even as he whispers, "Don't matter… no matter what… I'm still me… just… a monster… right?"I smile, because he's probably right.

Gabe speaks again, more gravely this time, and repeats the words he said before: "Your fag boyfriend shot me." I blink at this repeat, but it makes sense as he continued quietly, "But I just want you to know… your bullet was the one that's going to kill me. You killed your own brother… can you live with that?"

I freeze up at this comment, choking on nothing. Nobody had told me where Matt had shot Gabriel, nor if I had seriously injured him with my own shot - _but then, how would they know? _Still I can hear my heart beating in my ears, louder than it should have been, the words repeating in my mind. _You killed your brother. You killed your brother. You killed your own brother… can you live with that?_

I never got the chance to ask him why he told me. Never found a moment to tell him that I didn't know the answer to his question or to answer it if I did. Because within the minute his eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled deeply, a sound that should have been very quiet but instead sounded enormous in the silence of the hospital room. I never got the chance to tell him any of the things I had truly come to say, or to give him some long meaningful speech I had meant to work out. Instead I was left sitting back in my wheelchair, watching him lay there motionless but for the shallow lift and fall of his chest that I watched so closely with my eyes that I found myself matching the rhythm with my own.

_Inhale…_

_Exhale…_

_Inhale…_

What was that? What just happened? Why did that seem so… anticlimactic? What happened to coming in here and telling him how it was? What happened to yelling at him and telling him what an asshole he was for all the things he did to me? What happened to forcing him to admit that he was wrong? What happened to trying to pull the old Gabriel out of him again?

_Exhale…_

_Inhale…_

But of course that didn't happen. This wasn't some fairy tale. This was real.

My brother wasn't coming back. He had died long before the rest of him found himself on his death bed.

_Exhale…_

I squivel my chair around and roll towards the door, the last thing on my mind being the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor in my head, and the question of weather or not that would still be active by the end of the night.

_Inhale…_

_Exhale…_

_It doesn't matter if he dies. Your brother is dead. Your brother is already dead._

_Inhale…._

_Exhale…_

_Stop caring, Mihael. Stop caring._

"I woke up and you were gone."I look up at the redheaded man sitting in my hospital bed, immediately feeling guilty for the frightened look in his green eyes. But along with the fright is the sympathy, and it comforts me into replying quietly, "I had to, Matt. I'm sorry."

"No," Matt sighed, laying back against the pillow and opening his arms for me again. "don't be sorry."

I smiled at him even though I _was _sorry, rolling my wheelchair and, ignoring the nurses quiet 'I'll help you' from behind me I edged my own way onto the bed, sliding into his arms. As soon as I found myself there the feeling of security settled over me, warm and comforting; sighing, I immediately nuzzled closer against him despite the pain that occurred in my back as I did.

"Did you take your pain medication, Mail?" the nurse inquired from beside the bed. I peeked up at her to find that she was giving us that worried-mother look again, shuffling her feet and brushing her hair behind her ear, only to have it continue to fall into her face again, not failing to make her look much younger than she probably was (she looked like she was around 27 or so, but the little hair thing made her seem 17 again).

"I already took them," Matt told her quietly. Despite the way the nurse seemed to believe him, I knew he was lying by his tone. I suppose I knew him too well. But despite this knowledge I kept my mouth shut - _just another thing he thinks he has to do. I would be a hypocrite if I intervened. _

When the nurse shuffled away Matt's hands slid around my waist, pulling me closer against him with his hands still lingering at my hips. I didn't mind the contact in the slightest, releasing a contented sigh as he leaned downwards to bury his face into my hair. I could feel his breath on the rhythmic warm exhale on my neck and the rise and fall of his chest against my back, and it relaxed me completely.

"How bad was it…?" Matt murmured in my ear, his fingers sliding against my stomach in a seemingly absent minded way. I didn't bother objecting or anything, considering it wasn't a sexual kind of touch but rather a loving caress, more a _making sure you're still there _more than anything else. "I dunno. Bad," I replied rather stupidly, sighing half-heartedly as he kissed my neck with a gentleness I had learned to expect but not take for granted. I let out a contented sigh and settled my head against his shoulder, letting him plant little kisses against the crook of mine as I spoke. "It was kind of scary," I admitted honestly.

"I'm sure it was," Matt mused lovingly, then sighed. The feeling of the heavy breath tingled on my neck, a sensation that was both saddening and wonderful. "You know… I never told anyone this but…" he paused for a moment, as if doubtful, then seemed to shrug it off, continuing, "I never went to see my mother in the hospital, when she was sick. I took care of her after she got out of the hospital, but when she was in critical care.. I never went to visit her. I was too afraid of what she would say in the end. I was afraid… that…" He didn't reply, instead just burying his face in my hair.

But I could answer for him. Reaching upwards and running my hands through his soft hair I whispered, as gently as I could manage, "That her final words would be condemning you?"

Matt nodded into my shoulder. "I guess so," he murmured warmly, chuckling half-heartedly. "I guess I was just so afraid that I wouldn't be able to remember her…""Remember her like she used to be," I finish for him, even though he didn't exactly trail off, a distant kind of look falling over my features. Matt tensed a little, and I could tell I had read his mind. _I guess our situations are much the same in that way, _I thought a bit sadly.

"I'm sorry," Matt whispered wrapping his arms tighter around me and planting another kiss on my ear before speaking into it softly, "I'm afraid I love you far too much…"

I smiled and held his arms in place with my own hands, pressing my fingertips into his wrist and feeling his pulse there, just as I had done moments ago with Gabriel. I couldn't help thinking that his heartbeat was so much stronger than his, so much more comforting. But of course - Matt was living strong. And I loved the him he was now.

"I love you too," I reply honestly, twisting my neck around to plant a kiss on the edge of his lips, missing my target slightly. Matt smiled softly, and I stretched further to look into his eyes. They were glowing with love that I could only pray that my own eyes reflected.

"Do you?" Matt whispered with a doubtful tone out of no where, blinking at me with a blush.

I frown, finding an angry blush scattering across my face. "Why would you ever doubt it?" I inquire a bit childishly, nudging him. "Of course I love you, stupid!"

I watch, a bit fascinated, as a large grin spreads across his face and his dimples reappear. "I didn't," he chirps affectionately, giving me a little squeeze. "I just wanted to hear you say it again."

Matt only laughs as I gasp and jab my elbows into his rips irately, muttering about his stupid tactics and probably blushing like an over-reacting school-girl. After a full minute of my childish mini-tantrum Matt rolls his eyes and leans down to kiss me again. I don't fight it despite my small burst of irritation, loving every minute of his soft lips against mine. Ignoring the pain in my back I flip over so that I'm curled to sit on my legs and face him, propped between his legs as I lean into the kiss. Matt smiles and returns it, deepening it without much thought.

After what seems like forever, though, Matt pulls away from the kiss. I'm reluctant to end it, really, but I'm tired and the look of utter love that shines in his eyes as he does this satisfies me enough and allows a soft smile to settle onto my face.

"You're a crazy bitch, you know that?" Matt murmurs as I flip over and cuddle against him. His voice is thick with affection, and it makes my smile widen despite the pain of moving around again.

"Always," I purr almost automatically, my hand finding his as it rests on my thigh, twining my fingers with his and giving his hand a squeeze. He returns it, and even through my sleepiness this sends lovely tingles through me.

"_You killed your own brother. Can you live with that?"_

As I allow my eyes to flutter closed, relaxed against the warmth of his chest, I think that maybe, just maybe, I can.

With Matt, I think I might be able to do most anything.

**A/N: Well this was sappy and depressing, no? I'm sure you Gabe haters aren't too happy with it… though… -u- I kind of liked the ending myself. Open-ended a bit, but oh well. :')**

**This is the final actual-chapter, though there will be an epilogue, possibly two, that should answer most of your questions you might have. I'm really hoping you've enjoyed the story. ^^ I know I enjoyed writing it at least 3**

**With love,**

**Holli**

**p.s. anyone wanting to see Leon one last time next chapter? ;)**


	34. Afterward

**Suggested Listening: Everybody's Changing by Lilly Allen or Keane **

**Afterward**

One day later, Gabriel had died, peacefully and in his sleep. It was much better than the death many thought he deserved - many thought he should have suffered and rotted in jail - I know that L and Matt did in any case - but it gave me comfort that it ended that way. There was a funeral in his dedication on the day after his death. Matt and I were the only ones who attended it. He was cremated so I suppose that, despite the fact he never believed in Hell, he burned in a sense either way.

Two days after the funeral, my mother was reported missing by my uncle. Nobody ever found her. Though honestly, I doubt anyone looked very hard.

One week later, I had officially moved into Matt's apartment and retrieved all of the things I had left behind in my old house. The only things I don't bring with me are the bad habits I had - I never found the need to cut myself again.

One month later, Matt transferred to my school. He fit in to the group perfectly, and filled the empty seat beside me. I loved it.

Two months later, Matt puts his deceased mother's ring to good use - by proposing to me. Needless to say, I said yes, and Leon threw us a giant engagement-party. You should have seen us - we were nuts. Let's just say Leon doesn't hold alcohol too well, we all had a ton, and we all somehow ended up having a way-too-loud rave party until the neighbors called the cops and made us shut the hell up, at which we quickly turned off the music; somehow, we all woke up flopped on couches chairs and beds in Leon's place, several of us half naked with hangovers. Crazy, but man, best engagement-party ever.

By the end of the fourth-month-later, Near and Gevanni were dating happily (but quietly). Misa was happily single (though still, I suspect, still in love with Light). As for Light, he's out of the family business - honestly, I don't think he cares. He has more to do with his life than a crappy family business, with himself… and with L. A and B are obviously still dating, and have not ended their habit of making out in public. Halle and Weddy are still the best fag-hags I could ask for, and they're still there for me. Triston stopped being a playboy when he found love with the quiet Tammy - they make a cute couple, and he seems a lot happier now (though still consistently annoying to me). Jade hasn't stopped being a bitch, but hey, we can't have everything. I don't know about Butch, since he got expelled for trying to strangle Mikami (who reported told on him).

One year later, my mom was found in Germany and arrested for taking and selling heroin. Considering her long list of crimes before that she was never convicted for, that bitch got off easy.

Sometimes, I almost miss her.

Two years later, I graduated. I was the only one there without a relative to cheer me on. I was also the only one there with a redheaded transvestite cheering for me, a hoard of fan girls screaming my name, and a goggled nerd to kiss me congrats. I couldn't have been happier.

Two days after that day, Matt and I go through with our engagement in New Hampshire despite our young age, where gay marriage is legal now. Leon was our maid-of-honor, and his dress was beautiful. Everybody shows up. I couldn't have been happier if I had tried, and even when the preacher stupidly says 'you may now kiss the bride' I don't even mind.

Oh, and I wore the dress.

Four years later, we're 22, Matt is fixing old cars for a living, and I'm writing books and working under L (with Near) as a detective. It doesn't make a lot of money, but we get by, and we're still happily in love and living in a crappy apartment. We probably could have moved, but we didn't - we were too attached to the damn thing.

A year later, Matt's step-father is killed in a freak car accident. We don't attend the funeral, not because he didn't want to, but because we're already going to A and B's wedding in Canada, and I was the maid of honor. Can't miss that. I suspect that, even if we would have gone, Matt would have worn pink.

Seven years after that, we adopt a little girl. It was Matt's idea, something about wanting to be a better parent than our parents were and 'break the chain. Whatever the reason, we do it, and I've never regretted it. Partially for irony, and partially because of morbid necessity, we name her Angel. And we love her more than anything.

Right now, I'm 33. I'm older than I really ever pictured myself being. I always imagined Gabriel would eventually kill me. I guess, really, he almost did. But he didn't, and now, I feel more alive than I think I ever did.

In case you were wondering, I get along with Near better than I ever did (we're actually friends now, believe it or not), and said sheep-boy is still with Gevanni from high school - they don't plan on getting married or anything, but it's mostly because Near doesn't see the point in it; he always seems so awkward talking about their relationship. You can see the love in his eyes, though, if you care to look close enough.

I get to see L at work all the time, and he's still happily with Light, who is now the president of Lays potato chips company and rolls in the cash like nobodies business, though L is more than happy to spend it all on various items (candy).

Leon visits almost every week, and he adores little Angel - he insists that he's her uncle, and in return she learned to call him Uncle Le-Le. He'd never admit it, but I know he loves the nickname, and Angel. Every day he baby-sits I always come home to find her in a different outfit and hairstyle, gorging on brownies or some other sort of treat Leon makes for her. He still runs that clothing store, by the way, but it would be an understatement to say that it hasn't grown a bit considering it's now a highly-popular two-story shop (freakin' expensive, too, though he's more than happy to toss us free clothes - and force Matt into cosplaying). Misa, if you care, is modeling for him and, not surprisingly, they get along just fine (though they do have some very heated fashion-debates). She hasn't had another serious relationship since high school, but she seems happy to stay single and work as a model. I'm glad she's happy.

Matsuda works at Light's company as his assistant. The job would infuriate _me, _but Matsuda seems to relish in it, and he get's a more-than-decent paycheck and vacation-plan. Plus he can be around Light's sister more, who I'm fairly sure date on and off quite a lot. Good old Sayu.

A and B, married now, live nearby, and they have adopted a little one of their own. They named her Kimiko, but everyone just calls her K. They're probably the awkwardest family you'll ever lay your eyes upon, and honestly, probably also one of the happiest. A has regained his bright, joyful smile, as well as the maternal instincts of a wolf; B is still very much himself, though what exactly he does for a living is something I'm honestly not sure of, though I _am _sure that if anyone ever touched A or K, they'd find out right quick.

Halle and Weddy are in apartments beside one another, and have gone into business together. We see each other sometimes, and Weddy has made me promise to teach Angel to ride a motorcycle. I told her 'we'll see', but I know that I will, even if Matt doesn't want me to. Such a worry-wart, but I suppose _someone _has to be the responsible one, and it's not going to be _me_.

Butch is in rehab. Next stop? Employee of the year at McDonalds.

I 'reconnected' with Jade on Facebook. She was friendly enough, though when I looked at her pictures, it appears that she can't hang on to a guy for more than a week. Either she's a giant slut, or she just (still) has a horrible personality and they break up with her. Maybe both.

Matt's mother is still alive, though she moved to California after her late husband died. According to her Facebook page (oh Facebook…) she's married again to a social worker and hasn't been spending much time with Katie as far as we know. Katie, on the other hand, hasn't been in contact with us but for a single email, which read only 'sorry'. I don't think Matt really forgives her, but the message made him smile. Where she is now, I'm uncertain, somewhere in France I believe. I haven't looked into it, and I don't think Matt has, either - we're too busy ourselves to deal with people like that.

Mr. Roger is happily retired and moved to an isolated cabin somewhere, far, far away from any children that may ever bother him again. I suspect he may be mentally scarred from working at Wammys, but oh well. He's in a nice little cabin in Florida now - I don't feel bad for him.

Mrs. Misora took over as principal, and is still teaching us freak-children. She's also still married to her husband, who is in the police force and I've seen around occasionally since we're in the same line of work.

Wammy, in question, still oversees the school from his mansion and checks in on many of the children from time to time, especially L, of course. He's met Angel, as well, and he has no doubts that she'll be going to his school when she's older. I don't have doubts either - she's so clever it's a bit scary, but then, she's the child of two genii. What can we expect? I just hope she didn't get the slightly-insane gene, too.

As for me?

I didn't have the best childhood, but I couldn't be happier now. We're not the richest people, nor the most gifted or honored, but we couldn't be more blessed. I get to grow old beside the man that I love. I get to watch my little girl grow up and give her the childhood I never had, to coddle her but not smother her, to treat her as if she were the most beautiful angel in the world. I get to lay back on that ugly yellow couch we couldn't bring ourselves to get rid of even when we moved into a little house, lay against Matt who I've never stopped loving even for a moment, and hold my little girl in my arms as we watch mindless Johnny Depp movies and eat chocolate (which I also never stopped loving).

These days, I can sleep easy without having horrible nightmares. These days, I'm not ashamed of who I am. These days, the memories I want in head are the ones that have actually happened. These days, when I look in the mirror, I see me.

These days, life doesn't burn.

I guess Matt's to blame for that.

**A/N: Well… THAT'S IT! -joy sob- dear god, I can't believe it's already over… -wipes eyes- I'm going to miss it so much. You have no idea how much fun it was to write this (though the writers block about half way through was shitty). I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did and will check out the next stories when they come out (yes, shameless self advertising, shut up.) So… I hope you all enjoyed and don't mind how incredibly retarded this 'afterward' was. XD I was going to have a different epilogue, but it didn't fit into the time span right and I was like 'screw it' and posted this instead. -u- please forgive me.**

**Ha-ha. I doubt any of you actually read these author note things, but you know, I'm a bit sad to see this story go. XD it's like my child or something - I'm so glad it's full grown and finished or whatever, but it's sad that I wont get to work with it anymore :/ oh well XD I'll make more stories.**

**So I guess that's it... *tears of joy* **

**Till next time, my dears,**

**~Holli-chan**


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